


Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda Been a Contender

by BookTease



Category: Gilmore Girls
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2018-09-02 17:23:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 59
Words: 256,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8676184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookTease/pseuds/BookTease
Summary: Following the revival, A Year in The Life: Those four words have forever changed the trajectory of Rory & her family. She's taken Jess' advice; she's writing a book and she wants his help to bring it to fruition. How will everyone react to Rory's revelation? Will she be honest with the man at the center of it all? What becomes of Rory now?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm baaaaack!
> 
> WARNING: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE REVIVAL AND DO NOT WANT THE LAST FOUR WORDS SPOILED, DO NOT READ. This story starts with the end of Fall. The last four words appear about a quarter of the way through this first chapter, so if you haven't watched A Year in the Life, or don't know how it ends, don't read this until you do. I've watched the revival three times since it was released on Friday and the first viewing was the only one where my wheels weren't spinning. I don't have a lot of this story worked out yet, but I have the bare bones, so hopefully the first chunk of chapters will come easily as I work out the rest.
> 
> Who's ready for another crazy ride?!

“Jess! Jess, look! The first three chapters!” Rory squealed with laughter, grabbing the lapel of Jess’ jacket lightly as she jumped up and down, waving the pages in front of him.

Jess felt a chuckle bubble up from his throat. He smirked at her joviality; it was a welcome change from a few months ago, when he’d been driven to offering to loan her money so that she could buy underwear.

She took his advice and started writing a book. Jess was proud of her, and secretly pleased with himself; their connection over the last nine years may have drifted some, but he was glad that he still knew her so well. What’s more, he was all the sudden Stability Guy, in a position to offer advice and monetary loans for female delicates. It wasn’t in fact sudden, Jess’ life had calmed years ago, but whenever it was Rory who was spinning aimlessly and not him, it felt foreign.

“What was that all about?” Luke asked when Rory disappeared back into the house as suddenly as she had appeared.

“Oh, just a thing between us,” Jess shrugged.

“A thing between you…” Luke started skeptically.

“A _work_ thing between us.”

“A work thing, huh? So then, you’re over that, right?”

“Yup. Long over,” Jess said, shoving his book into his duffel bag.

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Can’t wait to see if you’re going to wear that pocket square or not.”

A bemused smile came over Luke’s face as he nodded to his nephew and went back inside the house.

Jess picked up his duffel bag; he was surprised when an unseen force pulled him towards the living room window. As he tucked his hair behind his ear, his hand trembled slightly. Rory was laughing, picking up something pink and glittery, playing with Paul Anka and joking with Lorelai; he could hear her soft giggles from where he stood. Something washed over him and he felt sharp pangs of longing, love and regret, things he hadn’t felt or associated with Rory for a long time; the water under that bridge was calm.

Over the years, they’d managed to find their way to a comfortable friendship which remained steady and constant even though they rarely saw each other. There was an ever present unspoken acknowledgement of their long history; they each held a piece of the other that no one could touch.

Jess’ emotions in this moment almost choked him. He took a quiet deep breath and forced it back out. He felt his brows knit down and his lips twist into a pained expression as he watched this girl –this woman whom he still loved in so many ways. Jess would always be there for her, no matter what. He fleetingly wondered what the present might look like if things in their past had been different –if only he could’ve been half as steady at eighteen as he was now, at thirty-two. Forcing the thoughts out of his mind, Jess leaned away from the window and made himself turn away. Maybe he wasn’t as long over it as he thought.

* * *

That night, Jess slept soundly on one of Liz and TJ’s many couches. He was barely awake the next morning when, only a few blocks away, Rory sat beside Lorelai on the steps of the gazebo in the town square, staring into the distance sadly, steeling herself to tell her mother something that would change everything.

“Hey, what’s going on in there?” Lorelai asked quietly, noticing her daughter’s empty gaze.

“I just wanna remember it all; Every detail,” Rory answered wistfully. “Mom?” she said quietly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m pregnant.”

* * *

At the wedding, Jess was impressed to learn of Luke and Lorelai’s stealth the night before, marrying secretly under cover of night; he was a little disappointed that he hadn’t stayed at the house like he meant to, which would’ve meant he got to be in on it.

He didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary between Rory and Lorelai –he had no clue as to the secret that was weighing them both down.

“Hey,” Rory smiled at the reception.

“Hey,” Jess smirked. “So you’re quite the little writer bee. How long did it take you to write those chapters?”

“Not long. It all just flew out.”

“Looks like you tapped into that elusive well of passion; you found what makes you feel.”

“Only because you steered me –led me right to it.”

“Nah, I didn’t steer you anywhere. I was reminding you not to lose the trees to the forest. All I did was suggest the most bountiful tree, which was always there.”

“Well, thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Jess? I want to ask you,” Rory whispered, suddenly finding it hard to look him in the eye, “will you –”

“Will I what?” Jess asked, trying to meet her gaze.

“Will you help me?”

“With what?”

“The book –my book.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Well, it logically follows that if I’m writing a book –it stands to reason that I should be working towards getting it published. That means I need an editor and a publisher. You’re both of those things…”

“You want –you want me to help you get it published? You want –me?” Jess asked falteringly.

“Yeah,” Rory smiled. “If you’re willing to take on a rookie.”

“You’re hardly a rookie writer, Gilmore.”

“When it comes to books I am. Will you help me?”

“You mean will I be your editor and publisher?”

“Yeah. What do you think?”

“I think –are you sure? I mean, I have no question that it’s good enough to publish, but why do you want me to do this?”

“Because you’re –you.”

“Ah,” Jess smirked, “now that’s what I call an airtight exercise in logic. Aristotle and Plato would be proud.”

“Jess, you steered me to this. And you were right –this story’s been sitting inside of me, just waiting to be told. Plus, you know me, you know my mom. You know what I’m trying to do and you know it without even seeing what I’ve written so far. You know the story I’m trying to tell almost as well as I do.”

“That’s a bit of a stretch. Your mom likes me well enough now, but one tiny misstep and she’d be right back to threatening to shove a pie in my face. I’m not sure I’m the one who should be trying to keep you on message here.”

“But she’s not writing it. I am. And I trust you,” Rory said. “I trust you more than I’d trust some stranger.”

“Well, that’s a stellar vote of confidence, if I’ve ever heard one.”

“Jess, you know what I mean.”

“I do,” Jess conceded. “You’re sure?”

“Yes. Will you do this with me? Please?”

“Rory, the Truncheon office I run in New York is tiny. I’m not sure I’m the right –or that Truncheon’s the right –”

“Jess,” Rory sighed, “you just asked me if I was sure and I said yes. If you’re not –you can say no…”

“No,” Jess breathed heavily. He saw Rory’s face fall and quickly back-peddled, hoping to recover. “I meant no –I’m not saying no. If you’re sure you want me –you want Truncheon to –I’ll do it. I mean, I have to run it by Matt and Chris but there’s no reason they wouldn’t be up for it, we need to bolster our non-fiction endeavours. It’d be a good thing.”

“Do you mean it? You’ll do it?”

“Wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. But Rory, _you_ need to tell your mom. I don’t want her coming to New York and devil egging my car, my apartment, my place of business.”

Rory laughed. “You remember the deviled eggs?”

“Kinda hard to forget. My car stunk for weeks. You guys threw _deviled_ eggs at my car –that’s a very special level of vitriol.”

“You deserved it.”

“I probably did.”

“I’ll talk to Mom, I promise.”

“Okay. Let me clear it with Matt and Chris, but I’m pretty sure you’ve got a deal.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Rory said excitedly, wrapping her arms around Jess in a tight hug.

Jess was slightly taken aback by the gesture; he couldn’t actually remember the last time they’d embraced like this –joyfully, lightheartedly. Slowly, he relaxed and wrapped his strong arms around her and hugged her close.

Rory felt a rush of emotion as Jess returned her embrace. He was strong, broad-shouldered and steady as a rock. She felt like a delicate leaf against him. Even after all this time, after everything they’d put each other through, she felt safe with him and she knew he felt the same. She needed that safety –and his uncanny ability to be unflinchingly honest- if this book of hers was to have any chance at success. Rory _needed_ this book to be a success, in ways Jess had no comprehension of yet. When she realized the weight of the secret she was carrying inside of her –something she wouldn’t be able to keep hidden from Jess, or anyone else for very long- she froze. Instantly, she was overtaken by a wave of nausea.

“Are you okay?” Jess asked when he felt Rory’s body stiffen.

“Yeah,” she answered shakily. “Yeah I’m fine. Just a little woozy, I guess.”

“Should I go tell Kirk you’re cut off? Have him lock up the booze?” he teased. “Whoa, you’re really pale, do you want me to get you some water or something?”

“No –I mean, yeah. I’ll get it. I should go to the bathroom, splash some water on my face. I’ll get it.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Thank you though. I’ll be right back,” Rory assured him breathlessly, trying to reassure him with a smile.

Jess wasn’t buying it. He knew something was off, but he had no idea exactly what was going on. He could still decipher Rory better than almost anyone, but it’d been so long since they were on the inside track of one another’s lives –he couldn’t pretend that he had the slightest idea what was going on with her; all he knew was that _something_ was. His instincts when it came to Rory were still razor sharp, but it was like trying to ride a bike that’s been in storage for years without greasing the chain –it doesn’t matter how good of a rider you are, if you don’t grease the wheel and re-acclimate yourself to the activity, the path is going to be bumpy and you’re bound to fall off.

When Jess talked to Rory in the offices of the _Gazette_ in the summer –that was his chance to delve inward, dust things off and see if his instincts were still razor sharp, and good enough to be trusted. He’d forgotten how much figuring her out could resemble solving a Rubik’s cube –the minutia of her complexities proved allusive as she ran off to the bathroom. It made no sense, he saw her yesterday and she was fine –joking, eating Pop Tarts and jumping up and down with a ferocity that right now would knock her out like a one, two punch.

“Lorelai,” he whispered discreetly, sidling up next to her, “you might want to check on Rory.”

“Why?”

“She took off for the bathroom like a silver bullet. I think she might be sick. Which is weird –she was totally fine yesterday, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah, but –thank you. Thanks for telling me, Jess. I’ll go see her now,” Lorelai answered hollowly, without looking at him. She took off in the direction of the bathroom at a determined clip.

Jess could be going insane; his instincts about Rory in no way extended to her mother, but Lorelai seemed –exasperated, maybe even angry, which made even less sense. The reception was loud and every woman in attendance was wearing high heels that clacked on the floor, but he could swear he could hear Lorelai’s stilettos stomping above the rest, even when he could barely see her anymore; he was also positive that he heard the door to the women’s bathroom bang against the inside wall as she opened it and disappeared into the same place where Rory was almost assuredly hugging a toilet bowl.


	2. Chapter 2

"Have you told him yet?" Lorelai asked with a sigh as she slipped Rory's shoes off and helped her into a bed upstairs at the Dragonfly.

"Told who what?" Rory asked hoarsely.

"Logan. About your… situation."

"My situation? I'm pregnant. I'm not asking him for a charitable donation; it's not like I need to show him my tax returns."

"No, of course not. He's already been charitable enough, hasn't he?"

"Mom –"

"Oh no, you don't get to 'Mom' me here, Rory. This is serious! You have to talk to him."

"And say what?"

"Rory –"

"It's not that simple, Mom."

"Why? Because he's engaged? You're seriously worried about sparing her now? But as long as you were sleeping together and no one would have any chance of finding out, it was laughs-a-plenty?"

"I told you _months_ ago that we were sleeping together. You didn't seem to have a problem with it then," Rory shot back.

"I was a little shocked that you fell into bed with a taken man, _again_ –"

"Oh, that's real nice."

"You're not nineteen anymore Rory, I can't play the Mom Card like I used to."

"Can't play the Mom Card like you used to, huh? Could've fooled me."

"Hey! Thin ice, kid. Dean didn't get you pregnant; this is entirely different! Watch it, or next time you barf I'll _let_ you get it in your hair," Lorelai warned. "How far along are you, anyway?" she asked quietly.

"What?"

"When you told me this morning, you didn't –I never asked."

"Somewhere between six and eight weeks, I think," Rory answered quietly.

"Well, the good news is, you probably have less barfy-feeling-time left than you've already endured."

"Fantastic."

"Hun, why haven't you talked to him?"

"I told you. It's not that simple."

"You're not going to stop singing that tune any time soon, are you?"

"Nope. You should get back."

"Rory, I can –"

"No you can't. It's your wedding and we live in Stars Hollow –the only place where privacy is more of a joke than it would be in a cultist commune. People will miss you. The more they miss you, the more questions they'll ask and the less you'll be able to keep them all down there and not running up here to check on us both. Go. Tell everyone I ate broccoli without the cheese sauce and it made me violently ill. People will believe you."

"Well, there is precedent," Lorelai laughed.

"Exactly."

"Jess is worried about you."

"Actually?" Rory questioned.

"Actually. It's sweet. I'm trying to move from strange to sweet."

"Jess isn't a bad guy, Mom."

"I know. Who'da thunk that guy would be done sewing his wild oats by the ripe old age of thirty-two?"

"Ask him that when you get down there, I dare you," Rory quipped breathlessly. "That'll keep everyone else out of your hair."

"You actually think he'd tell me?" Lorelai chuckled.

"You never know –if you bat your eyes just so and stand in the right light –no, not a chance."

"Thank God."

"It's too bad. I'd really like to know."

"Now, if _you_ bat your eyes just so and stood in the right light –another time, of course, because you look like death right now and even _you_ aren't that attractive…"

"Gee, thanks. Jess wouldn't tell me anything. We haven't been close in a long time. You know this summer was the first time I'd seen him in four years?"

"So, I've spent more time with him in the last nearly ten years than you have? Wow, weird. Could've fooled me, by the worry I heard in his voice when he told me you were sick."

"I may not be ravishing when I'm queasy, but when I abandon a charming man's company in favour of a porcelain bowl, he's bound to feign worry."

"So, you think he's charming do you?"

"Jess has always been charming; the only difference is now I'm not the only person in the entire universe who knows about it, or believes it. Mom, please –make sure he knows I'm fine," Rory said sincerely.

"I will. I know you guys are friends Rory. You don't have to pretend like you're not for my benefit," Lorelai said softly.

"Because you being anti-Jess would change my opinion of him? Because that worked so well last time."

"Oh, you're regaining your whimsy. I will leave you now, darling fruit of my loins –lest your charm radiate all the way downstairs. I'll let mini-Stallone know you're fine, I promise."

"Mini-Stallone? You just married his uncle!"

"Exactly," Lorelai winked. "Luke's way –"

"Don't finish that sentence! You're gonna make me vomit again," Rory smiled weakly.

"Gross. I'm leaving. Text me if you need anything, sicky."

"Thanks, Mom."

"No problem, kid."

"Hey, Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"I dare you to tell Jess about all the encomiums you've gifted him with in the last five minutes," Rory teased.

"Not a chance in hell. And the only way they'd be encomiums is if I wrote them down and as you so studiously pointed out, I _just_ married his uncle. Somehow, writing a love letter to his boyish nephew seems inappropriate."

"Jess is _not_ boyish."

"Would you like me to stay and detail for you how Jess is boyish compared to Luke, or would you like me to get back to my wedding reception and tell him you're fine? I'm good with either," Lorelai smiled.

"Leave now."

"Gone. Happy puking!"

* * *

 True to her word, Lorelai pulled Jess aside as soon as she came back down to the reception. "Jess," she whispered, "can I talk to you? Rory's fine –I mean, she's not fine, she's puking her guts out, it's pretty disgusting actually but –"

"She's fine in spite of all the disgustingness?" Jess chuckled.

"Exactly. She just ate some food that didn't agree with her and –"

"What food _doesn't_ agree with Rory?"

"Broccoli –cheese-sauce-free broccoli to be precise."

"That makes sense, considering it's a vegetable."

"This has happened before, I swear. And she wanted me to tell you, sincerely, that she will be fine. She just needs to stay in bed until tomorrow, rest and get all her pukiness out of the way. By tomorrow morning –or possibly tomorrow afternoon- she'll be good as new. Will you two have the chance to spend some time together before you leave? I know she mentioned that the two of you hadn't seen each other in _four years_ before this past summer – _four years!_ \- it would be nice if you guys had a chance to catch to catch up."

"Yeah, I don't need to head back to New York until early evening, I'm assuming she'll be staying here until the whole puking-her-guts thing is out of the way, which means she's spending the night. I'll just text her now, tell her to call me when she's up and to tell me when to meet her."

_You up for an early dinner before I leave tomorrow evening? I hear uncheese-sauced broccoli is to blame for all your grossness; but I have on good authority that by tomorrow afternoon, you'll be feeling human again. It'd be great to talk, catch up a little more than we did in the summer. And we can start talking about how to get your book off and running._

Rory laughed when she saw his text. _You're on. As long as you promise to keep all vegetables away from me. I'll text when I'm mobile and we can plan from there._

_Sounds good. Are you okay? You got pretty violently ill out nowhere there… Make sure you take it easy the rest of the night. Briefly, I was worried that it was me who made you feel the need to throw up._

_Yeah, I'll be fine. Don't kid yourself –you inspire much more original acts of rebellion –the deviled eggs, for example. If you were to blame, I'd just throw up on you. Enjoy the rest of the reception. I'll talk to you tomorrow._

_Well, that's lovely. Sounds good Rory. Get some rest and we can decide what we do about tomorrow, when tomorrow's today. Feel better._

Rory was glad that at least right now, being friends with Jess was easy, familiar and comforting. She knew that bubble of euphoria would burst soon. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. Logan had every right to know what was happening, but she had no idea how she could possibly broach the topic. She'd told her mom the truth –telling Logan she was pregnant was _not_ that simple.

There were things –circumstances that complicated everything. Lorelai ho idea. Rory was prepared to raise this baby alone –and give them the life her mother gave her. If the only thing at stake here was a guy walking out on her, she could deal with that. "If the possibility of Logan refusing to be a father to this child –if only that were my only problem," Rory breathed as her eyes drifted closed.

* * *

The next day, Jess knocked tentatively on the door of the house.

"You can just come in, you know," Rory teased when she opened the door. "You don't have to knock."

Jess shrugged. "It's not my house. Luke's not here. Why would I just walk in? Besides, if you were still barfing, I wanted to stay safely on the other side of the door."

Rory rolled her eyes. "Come in."

"You feeling better? That came outta nowhere, huh?"

"Yeah, it left just as fast. I'm better. Thanks."

"I brought chilli fries without thinking, you might not be up for –"

"Bless you."

Jess laughed. "So," he said, following Rory to the kitchen and sitting down. "I guess we should talk about me helping you with this book, huh? What did you say that thing was you waved in my face the other day? You were so giddy I may have missed it."

"It's the first three chapters. I have five outlined, three are fully written," Rory answered.

"Wow. Impressive. When did you start?"

"The chair you were sitting in when we talked about it at the _Gazette_ wasn't even cold yet…"

Jess smiled. He didn't know what affected him more, seeing the joy Rory radiated when she had a purpose to conquer or knowing he was somehow able to reach her –stop her from spinning so fast and help her hone her focus.

He did it once a long time ago, but he was mad then; he had no idea what happened after he left that bar in New Haven, but Luke told him a few weeks later that Rory had returned to Yale –he liked to think he had something to do with it. When Rory showed up in Philadelphia she didn't say as much, and God knows kissing her was a bad idea. Jess could've lived without knowing that Rory still loved Logan even though he cheated on her; he had no idea if she ever even lied and told him that something happened, even though Jess told her she could. Even still, he could sense that her presence was meant as a thank you, to show him rather than tell him that she was all right.

Jess realized that he was lost in thought and it was his turn to say something. "The chapters… do you have a draft I can take? Something to look over, show Matt and Chris? They're still in Philly but the business is still everyone's, so."

"Yeah, you can take the ones I was waving in your face the other day," Rory got up to grab them off the counter. "Jess, there's gonna be stuff in this book, sensitive stuff…"

"I know. Rory, you can trust me."

"Stuff about you."

"I know. Just avoid using Beelzebub as my pseudonym," he winked. "Rory, I remember our history perfectly well; I was there. Listen, it was a long time ago –water under the bridge. We're past it. We're okay. It's like you said yesterday –I know what you asked me to do. I know what I agreed to help you with. I could've said no, I could've cut and run. I didn't. That ship has sailed. I'll do this, if you want me to."

"Jess…"

"You can trust me."

"I know. I do."

"Good. Let me prove to you that your trust isn't misplaced, then," Jess said quietly, holding his hand out.

Rory handed him the thick stack of papers slowly.

Jess smirked gently as he took the pages and motioned for her to sit down. "Remember what I said about reheated fries back in the day?" he asked softly.

"They really suck," Rory smiled.

"It's still true. And they suck even more when there's cold chilli making them soggy and gross. We should eat."

"Okay."

"Where does it start?"

"Where does what start?"

Jess looked down at the first page and smiled at the title he saw. " _Gilmore Girls_. Pitch me."

* * *

"Hey, can I talk to you guys for a sec? I should probably tell you this before you jet off for vacation," Rory said to Luke and Lorelai the next day.

"Sure, what's going on?" Luke asked.

Lorelai gave her daughter a loaded look; Rory shook her head discreetly and saw her mother's features relax –but not completely.

"Did you know I was writing a book?" Rory asked Luke.

"Yeah –that's what you were waving in Jess' face a few days ago, right? What's it about?"

"Mom's journey, and mine. Our lives together. I'm not using anyone's real name, don't worry."

"Wow, that's great Rory."

"Really?"

"Yeah! Why wouldn't I think it was –"

"I don't know. Luke, you –you know my dad's gonna be in –"

"Yeah," Luke sighed. "I know. It's okay."

"Yeah?"

"Of course. Is that all you wanted to talk to us about?"

"No. I wanted to let you know that I –I asked Jess to be my editor. He said he'd do it. He took that draft of my first three chapters, he's showing it to his partners at Truncheon."

"Jess, really?" Lorelai asked in surprise. "Rory, are you sure –"

"Positive."

"But he –he knows he's in it right?"

"He knows. He also knows the sensitive nature of everything that comes before –well, me," Rory said pointedly, looking Lorelai in the eye.

"How does he –?" Luke started to ask.

"He came here for dinner last night before heading back to New York. We had a –like an informal pitch meeting. I trust him. He's the right guy for this –he is. I swear to both of you."

"Rory, you've barely seen him over the past four years and now you want him to take point with your book? A book about our lives? A book that he's in? I know you're friends; I don't doubt that you trust him –I don't doubt that he's very good at what he does. But I still don't know if this is a good idea," Lorelai said carefully.

Rory took a deep breath. "I know it sounds crazy. But I know Jess –he'll be brutally honest, not about catty stuff, about the substance of it. He knows me. He's never spared my feelings before and he's not about to start now. He knows enough of the story that he'll be able to catch me if I get off message. Please, try to understand.

"Mom, he wanted me to tell you –if you're not comfortable with him doing this, he'll put me in touch with his best contacts in the business and he'll help me find someone else. Jess knows that I'm not just trusting him with my story or our story, but yours. If you are even slightly less than okay with this, he'll walk away, no harm no foul –he won't hold it against you. He's good at what he does, I promise you. He gave me a tentative yes when I first asked him and another one yesterday –he's pretty confident his partners will be on board and he promised me no one would touch it but him. The tentativeness of his yes hinges on you –he won't do this unless he has your blessing. He's not even gonna read the draft until I tell him what you say –"

"Wow."

"Jess understands what he'd be entrusted with, believe me."

"I do."

"So…"

"So, yes. He can do it."

Rory smiled and felt a lump rise in her throat. "Really? When I first told you about this book you said –"

"I was mad. Besides, that was before you gave me permission to sue you," Lorelai winked. "Rory, it's all right. You can do this, and Jess can help you –he knows the gravity of shit he'd find himself in if he messes up."

"He does."

"So –get started."

"Okay. Thank you. Luke, are you okay with –?"

"I'm okay with it if your mother is. She's got more at stake in this than me," Luke assured her. "Jess is the best man for the job. I'm surprised he agreed, given everything you two have been through and knowing that the topic of him is fair game for your plot but –I have no doubt that he can do it and do it well. You're not wrong to trust him, Rory."

"You should call him, Rory," Lorelai smiled. "Go on."

"Okay, I will," Rory grinned as she took her phone and started dialing, slipping into the other room when he picked up. "She said yes. I swear, she did! Are you still up for it? Thank you, Jess. Thank you so much…."

"Sounds like that conversation went well," Lorelai said, coming into the kitchen after Rory hung up with Jess.

"Yeah. He wants you to call him and verify your approval," Rory giggled.

"First thing tomorrow. Rory… Luke and I are going away for a week and –"

"I know."

"Have you been to a doctor yet?" Lorelai whispered.

Rory hung her head. "No."

"You need to. When Luke and I get back, I'll go with you. I'm going to give you the number and I want you to call them first thing tomorrow."

"Okay. I will. Where is it?"

"Hartford."

"Is Grandma associated with –?"

"Nope."

"Good."

"Rory, you need to start thinking about how you're going to tell people. You don't want your burgeoning belly to do the talking. It needs to come from you, people can't know because you couldn't keep the secret anymore –trust me. You can't let it come to that, which means you don't have a lot of time –it may seem like you do, but you don't."

"I know."

"You may think Logan's excluded from this because he's in London and he can't see you, but he's not."

"Mom, I still don't know what I've decided about –"

"Fine. But what about when people ask you who the father is, Rory?"

"I don't know."

"You're running out of time for 'I don't know,' Hun."


	3. Chapter 3

" _Are you glad I came?"_

" _Why did you come?" Rory asked._

_"Well, it was my turn to walk Finn," Logan smirked._

_"Sure."_

_"And I did not like the way we left things."_

_"Yeah, me either."_

_"I should've told you about Odette moving in," he said sincerely._

_"No, that was… not the agreement," she shook her head._

_"I know."_

_"You owed me nothing."  
_

_"Technically, no. But –"_

_"No strings. When we're together, we're together; when we're not, we're not."_

_They talked for a few more minutes before Logan offered her a key to his family's house in Maine –a place for her to write her book. Maids and groundskeepers would look after her. Rory was hesitant, but he wouldn't let it drop until she agreed and took the key from him._

_"Are you really going to marry Odette?" Rory asked softly, her voice betraying the tiniest bit of hopeful skepticism._

_"That's the dynastic plan," Logan said simply and evenly, without hesitation. He offered her nothing more on the subject._

* * *

"Do you see?" the doctor asked. "Miss?"

"Oh, what?" Rory asked. She was snapped out of her flashback by the doctor's voice and the feeling of cold jelly on her stomach, being pressed into her skin by the pressure of the ultrasound wand.

"There," she said, pointing to a dot on the screen. "That's your baby. It's officially a fetus now, about the size of a medium green olive; it's approximately an inch long."

"Now I want a martini," Lorelai sighed.

"Yeah," Rory said quietly. "I see. How far –?"

"Nine weeks. I'm surprised this is your first prenatal visit."

"Sorry, I've been –is that bad? I mean that I haven't gotten checked out before this… is it bad for the baby?"

"No. But it's good you came in when you did. How long have you known?"

"A while," Rory answered vaguely.

"I see," the doctor said.

"I stopped drinking as soon as I found out. I don't smoke."

"That's good."

The doctor, Dr. Stevenson, was very nice. Rory liked her. She sat with Rory for a long time, answering both hers and Lorelai's questions. She went through all the prenatal vitamins Rory needed to take and went through the schedule of doctor's visits. She seemed surprised when Rory declined the offer of keeping an ultrasound photo. "I'll take one next time," Rory assured her.

Rory couldn't help but notice that her stomach had a small, but distinct bump –enough for her to cradle from underneath, if she wanted. It was imperceptible underneath the right clothing, but Lorelai was right –the stealth period was quickly drawing to a close. Rory would need to start having _that_ conversation, with everyone she knew –and soon. The thought of it made her feel dizzy.

There were the major conversations: Luke, Paris, Lane, her dad, her grandmother –that one made her want to crawl in a hole. The hullabaloo of the entire town finding out was overwhelming. The thought of it made Rory wish she'd grown up somewhere else.

Jess –how in the world was she going to tell Jess? What would he say? What would he think? Would this change the precarious close friendship that was blooming? They were working together now, they'd be seeing a lot more of each other now than they had in the past four years –hiding it wasn't an option, not for long.

Logan –how was that conversation supposed to go? Should she go to London? It hardly seemed like something to write in an email or say on the phone, but the phone seemed like her only option; she couldn't show up at Logan's flat, where he now _lived with his fiancé,_ cradling a baby bump and yelling "Surprise!"

When Rory allowed herself to wonder what her grandfather would think of her –of how he'd feel about all of this- her heart started to race, she became short of breath and broke out into a cold sweat.

"Rory?" Lorelai asked in concern, seeing her daughter's pale complexion.

"Put your head between your knees, Miss Gilmore. Your blood sugar must be low. Stay like that. Take deep breaths. I'm going to go get you some juice –it'll bring your equilibrium back."

Lorelai was rubbing Rory's back, trying to reassure her.

Rory was struggling to breathe. She felt tears well up in her eyes and fall straight onto the floor. "He'd be so disappointed in me. This would break his heart," she whispered, barely making a sound.

"Who? Rory, Hun, what are you talking about? What is it? What's wrong?" Lorelai asked softly.

"Grandpa," Rory chocked out. "If he wasn't –if he wasn't already dead, this would kill him. He'd be so disappointed in me. This would _kill_ him."

* * *

_"How long have you been sitting there?" Logan asked when he woke up and saw Rory gazing out the window._

" _Just watching the sun come up," Rory answered softly._

" _Come back to bed."_

" _How long before you have to get back?"_

" _I have time."_

" _How long?"_

" _Long enough."_

_Rory looked at Logan silently and sincerely. She would not release his gaze until he gave her an answer._

" _I have a flight out at noon. Don't do the math."_

" _Someone needs to," Rory pressed gently. This thing that was going on couldn't… someone had to do the mature thing –the right thing. They couldn't keep doing this._

" _Okay, so. There's this great diner down the road… It's not your beloved Luke's, but I checked it out, it's supposed to have an amazing breakfast," Logan said with a smile as he got out of bed, refusing to acknowledge the conversation Rory was trying to have with him._

" _It's really pretty here," she offered quietly.  
_

_"Well, I wanted it to be special."_

" _It was. It was a perfect night."_

" _Ace –something going on in that head of yours?"_

_Rory stood from the window seat slowly and held the key out to Logan. She was giving it back. "Here."_

" _No. No. I told you, it's yours. Use it to write," Logan insisted._

" _I don't need it. I know where I'm going to write."_

" _Okay," he conceded, taking the key from her gently._

" _Breakfast sounds good," Rory said shakily, giving him a wholly unconvincing smile as she spoke over the lump in her throat._

" _Hey…" Logan cooed._

" _Come on. We have to get you home."_

_Downstairs, when they were alone, Rory told Logan gently that his days of rescuing her were over. He didn't fight her on it. He took the bedazzled top hat he'd given her the night before for their Life and Death Brigade adventure and fixed it on her head, just so. He stepped back slightly and created a frame with his hands. "Yeah, just like that," he whispered with a smile when he'd created the perfect image of Rory that he wanted to always remember._

_And that was it. Then he was gone._

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Rory?" Lorelai asked as they drove home from the doctor's office.

"Yeah. Start small, right –with someone who won't kill me?" Rory answered.

"Well no –not _you_."

"He won't tell anyone, will he?"

"Not if it comes at the cost of protecting you. You'll need to be clear with him about –"

"I know."

"Just make sure he knows you plan to talk to him yourself."

"I will."

"Hey, where have you girls been all day?" Luke asked when they came in the house.

"We had some things to do –in Hartford," Lorelai answered haltingly.

"Hartford? What did you have to do in Hartford? I thought everything with the sale of Emily's place was taken care of?"

"It is, That's not what we were doing there."

"Well then what –?"

"Luke," Rory said nervously, "I need to talk to you."

"Okay," Luke answered slowly, worried by the tone he heard in her voice. He looked to Lorelai for reassurance and she gave him a small, loving smile. "Are you all right, Rory?"

"Yeah, I'm fine –I just –I need to tell you something. This is –no one knows this yet besides Mom. Luke, please… you can't tell anyone… not even Jess. I have to deal with telling him and everyone else, when I'm ready, and I'm not yet."

"Rory, you're scaring me. What's going on?"

"Promise me, Luke. Promise me you won't say anything to anyone, not even Jess."

"Rory, you have my word. I promise you I won't tell anyone anything –you know that. _What_ is going on?"

Rory looked to Lorelai for encouragement. Her mother smiled and nodded for her to continue. She took a deep breath and looked Luke in the eye. "I'm pregnant."

Luke felt all the air rush out of his lungs. "You're –you're what?" he stammered.

"I'm pregnant," Rory repeated.

"How? Well, that's not what I –I know _how_ , but I –when?"

"I'm about nine weeks… nine weeks along."

"Who's the –"

Rory felt the blood drain out of her face before Luke could even finish asking the question.

"Is it that skinny twerp who was here last Christmas? Billy? Mike? John?"

"Paul. His name is Paul, Luke, and no –it's not him."

"Then… who?"

"It's –complicated. I'd rather not talk about it if that's okay."

"Sure. No, yeah, sure. Of course. I understand," Luke sighed deeply. "Wow, well, this is unexpected."

Rory laughed cynically. "Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, if you decide that this guy –whoever he is- needs to end up dead, let me know," he quipped, offering Rory a reassuring smile. His comment about Rory needing someone dead was only half sarcasm; all she needed to do was say the word and he'd track the guy down and give him what was coming to him –no one messed with Rory if Luke had anything to do with it.

"Thanks Luke."

"I love you, kiddo."

"I'm thirty-two; I'm not exactly a 'kiddo' anymore."

"To me you are. It's gonna be okay, Rory. Somehow, it'll be okay."

"Promise?"

"Given the example you have to follow, I can pretty much guarantee it," Luke smiled, nodding to Lorelai. "I won't say anything, I promise. Just tell everyone before that…"

"Olive," Rory smiled. "Right now, it's like an olive."

"Just tell everyone before that olive inside you grows too big and gets other ideas."

"I will, I promise."

"Okay, I'll give you ladies a minute."

"Luke?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you, too."

Luke smirked and kissed the top of Rory's head gently before he left the room.

"That wasn't so bad," Rory sighed.

"He's processing," Lorelai said. "He'll be performing quite the filibuster tonight."

"Oh boy. Sorry."

"It's okay. You should get used to it. Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"You did good."

"I guess. Thanks."

"If I may… I suggest we don't tell your grandmother until after Christmas."

"But by then I'll –"

"Need to be living in moderately loose clothing to keep it under wraps, I know. But hear me out –your grandmother _just_ started getting a sense of normalcy back. She packed up and moved to Nantucket and is spending her days telling children about sperm whales, sure –which, stop and marvel at the concept- but she just started being okay again. Of everyone in your life, besides maybe the man responsible for this, your pregnancy is going to throw her for the biggest loop of all. It's gonna go through ugly phases, your grandmother processing this –you know it is. If we tell her before Christmas, the holidays are ruined. If we tell her _at_ Christmas, I'm not sure that even Quinten Tarantino could do justice to her white-hot rages and bloody rampages in five to ten years when he battles for the film rights," Lorelai said with a smile. "It sounds like I'm telling a joke, I know. But I'm –"

"Serious. I know," Rory sighed. "You're right. Let's wait."

"It wouldn't kill him, you know," Lorelai whispered thickly after a long silence.

"What are you –"

"Your grandpa. He'd be shocked. Disappointed in the how –the circumstances. He'd have expected something different from you than what he got with me; what's happening with you now isn't different _enough_ to mitigate all the disappointment he'd feel. I won't lie to you and tell you that he wouldn't be disappointed. But Rory, he –he loved you _so_ much, kid. It'd be easier for him to forgive you than it was for him to forgive me thirty-two years ago. This news would _not_ have killed him; do you understand me? If pregnancy news were ever to do him in, I'd have been the murderess, not you."

"Mom…"

"No, Rory. Did I want you to never, _ever_ find yourself in a situation like mine? Yes. Would your grandpa be upset, disappointed –would he have expected this not to happen to you of all people? Yes. But he would never stop loving you. Ever. You can't spend the rest of your pregnancy –the rest of your life- wearing a mantle of guilt, convinced that you would've _killed_ your grandfather. You can't do that Rory –it'll kill _you_. And you owe more than that to the child you're carrying.

"You're not sixteen –your career might be in flux right now, but you're better off than I was when I was pregnant with you; and you're not alone like I was. What's happening with you right now might be strikingly similar to what I went through, but it is not the same thing.

"You were the apple of your grandpa's eye, you know that. He loved you with every fiber of his being, you know that –he loved you with every fiber of his being, even when he hated me."

"Grandpa never hated you, Mom," Rory said quietly.

"Maybe," Lorelai said wistfully. "Rory, remembering your grandpa, remembering how deeply he loved you should make you strong, not weak. He wouldn't want that. His memory –the pieces of him that you carry with you- it needs to bring you strength."

"Okay."

"Raise your child to be strong, resilient. Make sure they know who –who their great-grandfather was and how much he loved their mom –and how much he would've loved them," Lorelai cried, taking Rory's hand. "That's what you need to do. That's how you honour him, by living by his example and showing your kid how his love made you stronger, better and more capable. You have to, Rory. Promise me –please."

"I promise," Rory whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Rory, what are you going to do about Logan?" Lorelai asked after another long silence.

"I don't know. I know I've been saying that for a week and I know you're tired of hearing it but Mom, I really don't know. It's not as simple as you think it is," Rory answered.

"Never for one second did I think it was simple, kid."

"Well, however _not simple_ you think it is, complicate it by at least another five degrees."

"Okay. I have one more question for now, and it might make things seem better or it might make things seem worse… well, okay, two –two questions."

"Whichever one is more complicated, start with that one."

"You and Jess have gotten pretty chummy over the last few weeks and you're about to get even chummier…"

"Chummy? We're working together."

"I say potatoe, you say potato. What are you going to say to him?"

"Well, I can't tell him there's a rapidly growing cantaloupe under my shirt."

"Are you worried that this will –"

"Burst the precarious friendship bubble we have? Maybe a little."

"I'm sure it'll be okay. I mean –I can see how telling him is nerve wracking, but you said yourself you guys haven't been close in years; all that stuff –the baggage between you two, you're way past it now. It shouldn't be any more or any less difficult than telling anyone else, right?"

"Why do you even bother asking me questions if you've got a better answer prepped than I could hope to come up with?" Rory teased. "Stuff with Jess will always be –with our history, we can only be so serendipitous and fancy free, you know? The timing of this is all so weird –I just worry there's no way this could ever be _not_ complicated with him."

"Yeah," Lorelai said. "I can see your point. But at the same time, there's a reason you've never been able to leave each other totally behind, don't you think?"

"Yeah. I know there is, but –"

"Look, Rory, I took a shot at him when you told me it was Jess who suggested you write this book, I know. But the truth is –I know he hasn't been that guy in a long time. It'll be a shock to him, I'm sure. You might need to brace yourself for some of the Mariano rage of old, but – _I believe_ he'll surprise you, in a good way. Truth be told."

"I hope you're right," Rory said dubiously. "Was there an easier question you wanted to get to?"

"'Easier' might be a relative term –"

"Mom…"

"What are you going to say to your dad? Have you thought about it at all?"

"Well, the conversation I had with him in his office a few weeks ago is all the sudden going to make a lot more sense."

"What conversation?" Lorelai asked.

"I went to see him, after I decided to take Jess' advice and write this book, which is what I told him it was for, but when he finds out about this I'm pretty sure he'll deduce that I wasn't asking him _just_ for the purposes of my book," Rory sighed.

"What are you talking about, Hun?"

"I asked him how he felt about you raising me alone –whether you made him stay out of it, or if he let you keep him mostly out of it, if he wasn't there because of a decision you made, or –"

"Rory… what did he say?"

"He said you made up your mind and he wasn't really consulted –but at the end of the day, the two of us being together was in the cards and he knew he couldn't compete with that, so he didn't. He said he knows he was stupid, but he loved you, and me. He said regardless, that everything worked out exactly the way it was meant to and you'd back him up on that."

"I would," Lorelai nodded.

"Anyway," Rory sighed. "The conversation was two-fold. Yes, it was for my book. But as soon as I tell him I'm pregnant, I'm pretty sure he'll figure out that I in fact told him that when I was at his office. So basically, I've had the conversation already."

"You Jedi-mind-tricked him."

"I think he'll figure out that yes, I did."

"Smart cookie, you are. The hard work is already done! Well –some of it, anyway."

* * *

Rory had just drifted off to sleep when her phone buzzed on the pillow next to her head, jolting her awake. "Hello?" she muttered sleepily.

"Shit, I woke you up. I'm sorry. I didn't think you'd be asleep."

"Jess?"

"Yeah. I can call you tomorrow, it's okay. I just thought…"

Rory looked at the clock on her nightstand. It wasn't even ten. "Don't be silly. How were you to know I'd turned into an old lady since you saw me last week?"

"I'm sorry," Jess repeated with a sigh.

"Don't be. You called me for a reason, right?"

"Yeah."

"So, what's up?"

"I read your first three chapters to Chris and Matt."

"You –you read them to them? What, like a bedtime story?"

"No," Jess chuckled. "Not like a bedtime story –but that is an interesting visual."

"I don't get it, why would you read it to them?"

"They're in Philly, I'm in Brooklyn."

"And, you haven't heard of this nifty thing called a fax machine? Or scanning and emailing? You run a business, you're _in charge_ of a satellite office for that business; you must've heard of such newfangled technology –you must make use of it, your Luddite tendencies aside."

"I do, but I –this might sound lame, but keep in mind that I made you a promise. That promise also extends to your mom by proxy, seeing as she's okay with me doing this, which I still have a hard time believing. I promised you that no one would touch your book but me. So, yeah, I read it to them. Thereby killing two birds with one stone –showing it to the rest of the management team without actually _showing_ it to the rest of the management team."

Rory was touched by Jess' gesture –by the lengths he was willing to go to in order to not only keep his promise, but prove that he could be trusted. "Thank you Jess. Really, it means a lot that you'd go to the trouble of –reading it to them. But isn't someone working with you at Truncheon's Brooklyn office?"

"Yeah, but Greg's not management. Me, Matt and Chris are management, the other two who make up our five are Greg and Bryan. Bryan stayed in Philly with Matt and Chris because Philly's a bigger operation –it's home base, so they need the extra man power. Greg came with me. Greg works here full-time, but he was our newest hire before we tried expanding to New York State; so the newest newbie came with me. Brooklyn gets one manager and Philly gets two –I need to get a bit of extra manpower from somewhere, so we have a few part-time workers to help with the non-managerial stuff."

"Wow, I can't believe we both lived in Brooklyn and we never saw each other, that's kinda sad. I mean in fairness, I was hardly ever there, but…" Rory trailed off with a yawn.

"You're tired. I should get to the reason why I woke you up."

"You probably should, before I fall asleep again –wouldn't want to leave you thinking that you've bored me to death."

"Matt and Chris love your manuscript Rory. They're fully on board. Truncheon will publish _Gilmore Girls_ ," Jess smiled.

"They do?! You will?!"

"They do. And we absolutely will. You officially have yourself a publisher. The words 'the first best-seller for our little underdog independent publishing company' might've even been used. I know it sounds like hubris –and part of that is us patting ourselves on the back for landing such a get for our tiny business, but we do know what we're talking about. These chapters are the start of something really special."

Rory laughed joyously. "And I the best editor in the world to boot! Oh my God I can't believe it! This is amazing, thank you Jess. Thank them for me too, please."

"I will. I just have to say –thank you, for wanting me to help you with this –for trusting me to. I know what a big deal this is to you –and Lorelai- I'm honoured, Rory. I won't mess this up for you, I promise. Together we'll make this great."

"I know we will."

"So listen, I'll let you get back to sleep, but in terms of a timeline for those next two chapters you have outlined –do you think you can have a draft ready to show me by Christmas? In January you can come out to Brooklyn and we can hammer out all the deadlines for the remaining drafts –really get this the ball rolling on this. If we work hard, and the ease with which you write this amazingly high-quality material continues, it might be ready to hit the shelves by this time next year.

"Wow," Rory said breathlessly. "Wouldn't that be something?"

"If anyone can do it, you can," Jess said sincerely. "Let's make this thing into the wildly successful memoir it was always meant to be. After that, the sky's the limit," he smiled, knowing Rory could hear it in his voice.


	4. Chapter 4

Rory sat on her bed; she'd dial Logan's number and stop before punching in the last digit; she'd dial his number but be unable to hit SEND. She'd find Jess' name in her contacts and stare at it, which would've been a more fruitful exercise if she were able to make up words from the letters in his name. Finally, she gave up entirely, shutting it off and kicking it under her bed. Tomorrow would be a new day.

Suddenly, she panicked –what if Jess needed to call her about something to do with the book? _Turn the phone back on_ , she'd think. _No, don't. You're too nervous. If he calls and you're forced to talk to him, he'll know something's up. What is wrong with you? You weren't a jittery mess yesterday. Leave the phone under your bed until tomorrow._

"Hey kid," Lorelai said as she entered Rory's room after knocking. "So, I'm thinking –"

"Uh-oh."

"Hey!"

"Sorry. My brain's a scary place to be today; it's possible I'm projecting my neuroses onto you."

"Well, stop!"

"Stopping," Rory promised. "What's up?"

"We should tell your grandmother."

"But you said we should wait until –"

"I did."

"And I agree! Let's wait! Waiting is good!"

"Rory. I said we should wait until after Christmas. And we will. But we should tell her before leave Nantucket after the New Year."

"But I –"

"Rory. She lives in Nantucket. _Nantucket_. This is not something you should be telling her over the phone –oh, that I wish you could get away with such a thing. If we don't tell her at the end of our visit over Christmas, what are you going to do? Send her an ultrasound photo at Easter, saying 'Surprise! You're gonna be a Great-Grandma!... in about ten weeks. Hope the adjustment period is hella quick!'"

"I hate you," Rory sighed. "You're right and I _hate_ you."

"I know," Lorelai said softly. "I hate me too."

"You love being right."

"Not about this."

* * *

" _Lorelai! Get up. Now. Right now!" Emily yelled frantically, jolting Lorelai awake._ _  
_

_"What?" Lorelai said drowsily._ _  
_

_"Rory's not home!"_ _  
_

_"Rory's what?"_

" _I sat in that chair all night and I dozed off for one second and the next thing I know it's five thirty and she's not here."_

" _Rory?"_ _  
_

_"She's not there. Aren't you listening?"_ _  
_

_"_ _Rory? Rory?" Lorelai called out, walking through the first floor of the house._ _  
_

_"_ _Where's the phone? Call the police. What are you doing?" Emily asked in exasperation. "Call the police! Call the police!"_ _  
_

_"_ _Mom, stop it!"_ _  
_

_"_ _What are you doing?"_ _  
_

_"_ _I'm looking for the phone. What do you think I'm doing?"_

 _"Why don't you ever clean up around here? This is an emergency and you can't even find the phone. What if there was a fire? What if Rory was choking?"_ _  
_

" _Mom, stop yelling!"_ _  
_

" _Rory is missing!"_ _  
_

_"I know that and your yelling is not helping me!" Just then, the phone rang. "Rory?" Lorelai said frantically. "Oh, Patty… What?... Okay… Thanks… No, thank you so much…. Okay Bye-bye." She hung up the phone. "Rory's okay."_ _  
_

_"_ _Where is she? What happened?"_ _  
_

_"_ _She and Dean were at Miss Patty's."_ _  
_

_"_ _What is that, a motel?"_

 _"_ _Um, it's a dance studio. That was Patty. She said that she found them asleep and woke them up and Rory's on her way home."_ _  
_

_"_ _In what state were they found in?"_ _  
_

_"_ _She didn't say, okay? Let's just try to be calm until we know what happened."_ _  
_

_"_ _What do you mean 'until we know what happened'? We know what happened."_ _  
_

_"_ _No we don't."_ _  
_

_"_ _They were out all night!"_ _  
_

_"_ _I'm gonna make some coffee."_ _  
_

_"_ _Lorelai Gilmore, I've watched you do a lot of stupid things in your life and I have held my tongue."_

 _"_ _You've what?"_ _  
_

_"_ _But I will not stand by and let you allow that girl to ruin her life."_ _  
_

_"_ _Mom –back off."_ _  
_

_"_ _She spent the night out with that boy, the one you let her run off to that dance with."_ _  
_

_"_ _Mom, so help me God, I will not get into this with you."_ _  
_

_"_ _She's doing the same thing you did."_ _  
_

_"_ _No. She's not."_ _  
_

_"_ _She's going to get pregnant."_ _  
_

_"_ _No. She's not."_

 _"_ _She's going to ruin everything just like you did."_ _  
_

_"_ _No she's not! No she's not! No she's not! Rory is a good kid, Mom! She's not me."_

 _"_ _What kind of mother are you to allow this to happen to her?"_ _  
_

_"_ _Oh, I don't know, Mom. What kind of mother were you?"_

 _"_ _You're going to lose her. You're going to lose her just like I lost you."_ _  
_

_"_ _I am not going to lose her. Do you hear me? Even if I hadn't gotten pregnant, you still would've lost me. I had nothing in that house. I had no life. I had no air. You strangled me. I do not strangle Rory."_ _  
_

_"_ _Oh you're so perfect and I was so horrible. I put you in good schools. I gave you the best of everything. I made sure you had the finest opportunities. And I am so tired of hearing about how you were suffocated and I was so controlling. Well if I was so controlling, why couldn't I control you running around getting pregnant and throwing your life away?"_ _  
_

_"_ _Get out!"_

 _"_ _What?"_

 _"_ _You will not come into my house and tell me I threw my life away. Look around, Mom. This is a life. It has a little colour in it so it may look a little unfamiliar to you, but it's a life. And if I hadn't gotten pregnant I wouldn't have Rory."  
_

_Rory had come in the house at that exact moment. Hearing her mother and her grandma yelling, she sat down on the stairs silently, and listened._ _  
_

_"_ _You know that's not what I meant," Emily said evenly._ _  
_

_"_ _Maybe I was some horrible uncontrollable child like you say, but Rory isn't. She's smart and careful and I trust her and she's gonna be fine and if you can't accept that or believe it, then I don't want you in this house!"_ _  
_

_Emily stormed out and slammed the door shut behind her.  
_

_"_ _Mom, thank you for saying all those –" Rory started to say as she walked into the kitchen._ _  
_

_"_ _What were you thinking? Staying out all night! Are you insane?" Lorelai yelled._ _  
_

_"_ _I'm sorry. It was an accident."_ _  
_

_"_ _You're talking to the queen of staying out all night. I invented the concept! This is no accident! You can't do this! Period."_ _  
_

_"_ _Nothing happened!"_ _  
_

_"_ _Do you have any idea what it's like to wake up with my mother here and find out that you never came home?"_ _  
_

_"_ _So all this is about Grandma being here."_ _  
_

_"_ _No! It's about the feeling of complete terror when your kid isn't in her bed in the morning!"_ _  
_

_"_ _I'm sorry."_ _  
_

_"_ _And then it's about a whole different kind of terror when you find out that she spent the night with some guy."_ _  
_

_"_ _I didn't spend the night with him. We fell asleep."_ _  
_

_"_ _You are going on the pill," Lorelai said resolutely._ _  
_

_"_ _What?"_ _  
_

_"_ _You're not getting pregnant."_ _  
_

_"_ _I'm not sleeping with Dean," Rory insisted._ _  
_

_"_ _Damn it!"_ _  
_

_"_ _What happened to all that stuff you said to Grandma? What happened to trusting me? Where did all that go?"_ _  
_

_"_ _I think it's back on Patty's yoga mats."_ _  
_

_"_ _This is crap! You know I didn't do anything. You know this is an accident. You're just mad because I screwed up and I did it in front of Grandma and she nailed you for it. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I screwed up and I'm sorry that you got yelled at, but I didn't do anything and you know it!"_

* * *

Lorelai was having scary flashbacks to the morning after Rory's dance and the fight she'd had with her mother –and the way she'd exploded at Rory when she came in, demanding that she go on the pill; forbidding her from getting pregnant. Rory may not be sixteen, but Lorelai had a bad feeling that what Rory was about to tell Emily would unearth all kinds of skeletons from their family closet. This was all Lorelai could think about as they sat on Emily's couch a few days into January, 2017.

Rory was thinking all the same things, but her nerves were tenfold that of what Lorelai's were, given that delivering this news was all on her.

"Well, ladies, what did you want to talk to me about?" Emily asked pleasantly.

"Actually it's me, Grandma –I have something to talk to you about –to tell you," Rory said softly.

"Of course, Rory. What is it, dear?" Emily smiled.

Rory reached for Lorelai's hand and held it tight. It was in fact unclear who had a stronger grip on the other –mother or daughter. Rory took a few deep, steadying breaths, in an effort to ensure her voice wouldn't tremble when she spoke. "Grandma, I –there's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna to say it. I'm –I'm pregnant."

The pleasant smile that had been lighting up Emily's face instantly disappeared. "I beg your pardon?"

"I'm pregnant, Grandma."

"That's preposterous. How can you possibly be pregnant? Have you gotten married and neglected to tell me?"

"No."

"Engaged?"

"No."

"That boyfriend you were so insistent I knew about –is he responsible for this?"

"N-no, Grandma."

"Well then _what_ is the meaning of this? Does the father even _know_? Do you even plan to tell him? Do _you_ even know who the father is?" Emily asked shrilly.

"Of course I do," Rory said defensively. "I haven't decided how to –if I'm going to –it's complicated."

"Lorelai, how could you let this happen?"

"Me? Mom, Rory's thirty-two, I can't control her. She's an adult. She doesn't need me to _let_ her do anything," Lorelai shot back. "This is Rory's life, Mom."

"Yes, and what a wonderful example you were for her. Here she is, doing exactly what you did, getting pregnant with no man by her side. I told you she'd get pregnant. I told you she was going to do exactly what you did; I told you she was going to ruin her future, just like you did. You were so sure I was wrong; you were so indignant it was disgusting! And yet, here we are."

"Hey! Stop it! That's enough Mom, okay? You're way out of line."

"Grandma, I'm not ruining –"

"What are you going to do, Rory?" Emily asked.

"I'm sorry… what am I going to –what do you mean, what am I going to do?"

"You're pregnant Rory. You'll soon have a child to support. What are you going to do? As far as I can tell, you've spent the last year globe-trotting on God knows whose dime; you haven't had a steady job in months. It's fine for you to live a vagabond existence if that's what you choose, but you'll not be able to do that when you have a child depending on you. Children are expensive Rory. My question is not an unreasonable one –what do you plan to do?"

"I haven't figured it all out yet."

"Well, I'd get my priorities straight right now if I were you, young lady. Especially if you're dead-set on doing this on your own, which wouldn't surprise me, considering the example your mother set. I know my opinion means nothing to you, but allow me to bore you with it anyway. Doing this on your own is moderately stupid, unless you were impregnated by test-tube sperm or the village idiot. Whoever this man is, you have to tell him and you must make him take responsibility for the child –financially, at the very least.

"The time for aimless wandering is past, Rory. It passed the second that test came back positive. Get it together. Figure out what you're going to do. Find a way to support this child and be the parent it deserves –and for the love of God do not decide out of hand that this child doesn't _need_ two parents. You grew up with a front-row seat to the unfortunate rift between family, caused by your own existence. I told you when you were sixteen that you were not a mistake, and the feuding you witnessed had nothing to do with you or your person. But I know it affected you, nonetheless. Don't let your child go through the same thing; protect them from that as best you can. You cannot control how the father will react or deal with the news, but you can give him the benefit of the doubt and do right by your child by not intentionally shutting him out.

"This is not what I wanted for you Rory –not this way. Make no mistake about it. I love you, and I will always be here for you –but I'm terribly disappointed in you. Sadly, your grandfather would be, too. It's a small blessing that he's not here to see this –it would break him.

"This should be a violent wake-up call for you, young lady. Don't let it go to waste –don't let your child suffer the consequences. You're not in Kansas anymore –nor is there a great and powerful wizard to make everything better. This is it. This is your life. And it's not all about you anymore."

"Grandma, I –" Rory said feebly, holding back tears.

"Rory, I'm very tired. I don't want to discuss this anymore. I love you. Thank you for telling me. Now, if you'll excuse me –Jack is waiting for me, I'm sure he and Luke have run out of things to talk about. Have a safe trip back to Connecticut tomorrow."

"Mom –that's it?" Lorelai asked desperately.

"Yes. That's it. Make sure you send me an ultrasound photo when you have one, Rory."

"I will," Rory whispered hollowly.

"Oh! I almost forgot," Emily smiled mechanically. "Congratulations."

* * *

"Why do I feel like that was easier than it should've been?" Rory asked the next day when they'd arrived home.

"Easier? What conversation were you having? Hun, your grandmother has a point," Lorelai said carefully.

"Point? What point?"

"Well, for one, you can't work for free at the Gazette and you can't put all your eggs in one basket like you did with Conde Nast, or deign to work somewhere you think is beneath you and then show up completely unprepared for an interview because they wanted you for months and you got comfortable feeling wanted, making them salivate for you and then be surprised when they don't hire you.

"You need a job Rory; Luke and I live a comfortable life, but we can't afford to be fully supporting you _and_ a baby, especially not when April still depends on Luke to help her out financially. When that baby comes, you need to be able to afford all the things that go hand-in-hand with having a baby. If you like the Gazette then fine, stay there, but you have to force Taylor to give you a salary of some kind. You're welcome to live at home with us for as long as you want or need and we'll help you take care of the baby. We'll support you however you need, happily –but we can't financially afford to be responsible for every aspect of the kid's wellbeing. If we _wanted_ to do that, Luke and I wouldn't have squabbled so much about surrogacy last year. Luke and I can't afford to pay the way for another adult in this house, plus the added expenses of a baby."

"Et tu, Brutè? Geez Mom –"

"Geez nothing, Rory. You are going to have to start dealing with the very serious consequences of your very adult choices and actions. You knowingly had a sexual relationship –an affair- with an engaged man, and you got pregnant. In about six months you are going to be a mother, with a child who will be fully dependent upon you. You need to be ready. You need a reliable job that pays and you needed it yesterday – _especially_ if you're still undecided about telling Logan –"

"I never told you it was Logan; you assumed."

"I's a pretty safe assumption, unless –oh my God!" Lorelai gasped. "Are you having a Wookiee baby?!"

"No," Rory sighed, laughing in spite of herself. "I am not having a Wookiee baby."

"So, what, are you acting as a surrogate for Paris' fertility empire?"

"No. But I have my book. Jess says it could be ready to hit the shelves by this time next year," Rory reasoned.

"And that's great –but they're not going to pay you any advances until the this is pretty well done and ready to go to print, and you're still only working on the first five chapters. Writing a book is hard work, Rory. It's a long process that you don't see any financial recoup on until you're in the final stages. You're a first-time author, hefty advances that you can live on for months are –I'm sorry to say, not a thing that you should expect or be disillusioned about. Any advance payment you get will be marginal.

"You don't have that kind of time; your child is going to be born a good six months before your book hits shelves Rory, and even then, the financial gain you'll see is entirely dependent on how successful it is, and whatever you're left with after Jess and Truncheon are paid their hard earned money in being your publisher and editor. And if you remain undecided on whether or not you're going to tell –the father, who could ease some of the financial burden, I circle back to my original point. You need a reliable job with a regular salary and you needed it yesterday.

"And I think it would be a monumental mistake to not even tell the father that you're pregnant, because you're robbing him of the opportunity to be part of that kid's life and you're withholding information that he has a right to know. I never withheld my pregnancy from Christopher," Lorelai pointed out. "The choices I made when it came to raising you and the calculated decision you're weighing in your mind about whether to even tell that baby's father that you're pregnant are two different things –and you know it.

"You do have some very serious thinking to do, Rory. And the decisions you make will not only impact you and your life, but your child's life as well. Look, I'm not trying to rag on you, okay? I know this is a lot –I know you're processing, I know you have a lot to figure out. Me and Luke and yes –even Emily Gilmore- this town, your friends –we'll all be here to help; you're not alone, Hun."

"I know," Rory whispered. "It's just, overwhelming. A lot, you know?"

"I know better than anyone, trust me. But at the end of the day, this is something that falls squarely on your shoulders. This is what's happened –you can't change that. So, the question becomes… where do you go from here? What's the best way forward? No one can make those decisions but you, and you _have to_ start making some of those decisions soon –now.

"The human inside of you is going to make his or her entrance into this world come early summer whether you're ready or not –they ain't waiting for you to get your shit perfectly together first, or even mostly together; that kid is coming and that's it. Tap into the Rory of old: make a list, set goals, do one thing at a time and work your way through it –I know you can. You won't be totally ready for that kid when it comes –because no one ever is. But your life is about to change in the hugest way that it can. You won't have it all figured out, but you _can_ start preparing for it. Get ready so when the challenge of change comes, you can meet it."

* * *

"Question," Jess said.

"Answer," Rory replied. "Hopefully."

"Can you come to Brooklyn for the weekend of the thirteenth of January? Like, come in Thursday, leave Sunday? All of the Truncheon brotherhood will be –"

"Truncheon brotherhood?"

"Har, har. It's lame, I know. But it's a thing –don't know how it became a thing, but it is a thing, nonetheless."

"I will be on my best behaviour. You were saying?"

"Well, I figured we can all go to dinner on the Thursday and you can tell the whole group about your book. They're really excited and they'd love to hear more about it straight from you. We can also iron out a few business-y things, then you and I can dig in for the weekend. Friday to Sunday, just start hammering stuff out. Do you have those other two chapters done?"

"I do, plus a few bonus ones."

"Gold star for Doogie! Anyway, does that work for you?"

"I can be Brooklyn-bound for Friday the thirteenth weekend, for sure."

"Crap, I didn't even realize it was a Friday the thirteenth weekend," Jess laughed. "I guess that means we should set aside some time for a bad horror movie marathon, with bad junk food to boot?"

"You just recited the magic get-Rory-to-Brooklyn incantation, my friend. I'll see you in about a week."

"I'll stock up on mallomars and red vines."

Rory smiled as she hung up the phone, but as she exhaled a sigh, her chin started to quiver. She had to tell Jess while she was there, which would effectively kill any potential joy the weekend had in store. She wouldn't let herself think too much about the other things her news might have the potential to kill.

Jess wanted to see her on the weekend of Friday the thirteenth –how fitting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> January thirteenth 2017 does in fact fall on a Friday, so I didn't just use it as a convenient foreboding foreshadowing trope. It just worked out in a way that was to my advantage. Don't believe me? Look it up!


	5. Chapter 5

_No cigar…. I pictured you chomping a fat cigar," Jess said playfully, standing in the doorway of the Gazette._

_"Doctor told me to cut back," Rory answered, looking at him with a beaming –if not surprised- smile. "Esther, Charlie, this is Jess. He's Luke Danes' nephew."_

_"I remember you… punk," Esther said flatly, barely looking at Jess._

_"Good to see you again, Esther. You too," he nodded to Rory. "What's it been, four years?"_

_"You too. Maybe more. When did you get in?"_

_"Just now. I'm meeting Luke –we've got mom maintenance to do. You hear she and TJ accidentally joined some cult?"_

_"And that vegetables were involved…"_

_"And an eight-million-year contract."_

_"I heard it was six."_

_"Well, as editor of the Gazette you've got better sources than me, Mr. Roundbottom."_

_"What?"_

_Jess turned the nameplate on the desk around and smirked._

_"Oh."_

_"Can't wait to hear how you bagged the job."_

_"It was the usual thing –I submitted my resume, plus samples of my work, I was thoroughly vetted, there were several lengthy interviews, plus complex negotiations over salary, benefits, parking –"_

_"You asked Taylor."_

_"Pretty much." Rory looked to Mr. Roundbottom's picture hanging on the wall next to her and turned it around. "I don't want him to see me like this. Good to see you," she said genuinely._

_"You too."_

_"How about some lunch?"_

_"Sure."_

_Rory opened her desk drawer and pulled out a bottle of scotch._

_"Very Lou Grant," Jess chuckled._

_"Last time I checked, grain was a food group," she said defensively. "Bottoms up!"_

_"Roundbottom's up," Jess leaned forward and clinked his tumbler with Rory's._

_"So, how are you? Luke tells me that the book press is going great."_

_"It's doing okay."_

_"So you've got Dave Eggers shaking in his boots?"_

_"If Dave Eggers even knows we exist, I'd be happy."_

_"And in other stuff? Personal life?"_

_"Stable. Nothing permanent," Jess said simply, with a tiny shrug. "What about you?"_

_"Oh, damn!" Rory cursed, scribbling on a Post-It._

_"Did you just write 'Break up with P,'?"_

_"How about a second course?" The phone started to ring just as Rory was about to pour. "Esther, would you get that?"_

_"I'm filing something," Esther replied gruffly._

_"I don't want to say you've been filing that same piece of paper for a long time but when you started, Nora Ephron felt good about her neck," Rory shot back, with a bit of an edge to her tone._

_The phone continued to ring until whoever was calling gave up._

_"Do you still want me to get it?" Esther asked into the silence._

_"No..." Rory sighed. She looked at Jess with a defeated expression, "I coulda been a contender," she said sadly._

_"You're still a contender," Jess said with a quiet confidence that she'd never quite witnessed in anyone but him._

_If only she believed him. "Oh yeah? I'm broke. Busted. Beggared. I have no apartment. No car –hell, my licence expired three months ago."_

_"Get outta here!" he laughed._

_"Everything I own is in boxes, scattered around three different states. I have no job. I have no credit. I have no underwear!" she said, her voice getting more frantic the more she rhymed off the things she didn't have._

_"What?"_

_"I can't find that box!"_

_"So just buy some new ones."_

_"Are you listening, man? I'm broke!"_

_"I'll lend you the money," Jess said, wondering, in the back of his mind how on earth it got to the point where he'd be offering to replace her collection of delicates._

_"This isn't about you lending me money to buy underwear. This is about my life. People come up and smell me."_

_"What are they smelling?"_

_"Failure," Rory said bitterly. "Headmaster Charleston told me to go get my Master's so that I can come back and teach at Chilton. He could smell it. I went and interviewed at a website that I hate; they passed. They can smell it."_

_"No one's smelling anything," he assured her._

_"Maybe Paris will let me be one of her surrogates. She's always liked my teeth."_

_"Slow down."_

_"It's probably too late for that. I've aged out," she said flatly._

_"Stop. This is a rut. It's temporary."_

_"Or not."_

_"You're a writer. Ruts are normal."_

_"My friend Doyle's a Hollywood writer now. He's always telling me to write a spec script."_

_"You're not writing a spec script."_

_"He gave me a copy of_ The Mysteries of Laura _. Is that a show?"_

_"You need to find something to write that you're passionate about."_

_"What is that foreign concept you speak of? Passion. Is that really a thing?"_

_"You just gotta find that thing that makes you feel, so your readers feel it. What makes you feel?"_

_"Did I tell you I lost my wallet?"_

_"You should write a book," Jess said, refusing to acknowledge her pity party any further._

_"Thanks for the Naomi Shropshire flashbacks. Lovely."_

_"I know what you should write," he said, moving past her comment that he was sure he didn't want to give her the time to explain._

_"What?" Rory asked curiously._

_"You should write about you and your mom."_

_"What?" she repeated, not sure she heard him correctly_

_"It's a cool story It's got a point of view and it's something only you can write," Jess explained. He smirked quickly before swallowing the rest of his scotch. "Think about it. I gotta go. Thanks for lunch."_

* * *

"So, you're the infamous Rory Gilmore? It's really nice to meet you and put a face to the name, finally. I've heard so much about you," Greg smiled, shaking Rory's hand. Greg was tall –six feet, maybe- broad-shouldered and fit. His eyes were almost startlingly blue. His complexion was fair and he had what must've been a head full of thick, tightly curled blond hair. It reminded Rory of springs, or a Slinky. It was thinning now, but she could tell a few years before, he must've had what amounted to an afro. His chin and cheeks were covered in a tidily trimmed beard that was the same fair blond as the hair on his head. He had an impossibly friendly smile.

"Oh, God," Rory laughed. "Jess telling you all about me? Maybe I should hide under the table."

"Nah," Jess smirked. "Hiding ineffectively under your chair would suffice."

"Rory, it's good to see you again," Matt smiled, extending his hand.

"Yes, very," Chris concurred.

"You guys actually remember meeting me? That was so long ago! And it was only for like, five seconds!" Rory was impressed.

"You leave an impression," Chris said.

"Mostly on Mariano, the way he was wandering around like some kind of lovesick –"

Jess jabbed Matt in the ribs, cutting him off.

"Anyway," Matt cleared his throat, "only good things. Promise."

"Okay," Rory laughed awkwardly. "I'll take your word for it."

"I, for the record, have no idea what any of these fools are talking about. Hi, I'm Bryan," he smiled, the skin around his hazel eyes crinkling so that his entire face seemed to be smiling. "You can call me Bry –everyone does." Bryan had sandy brown hair and tanned skin. He was a sturdy looking guy, fit from hard labour rather than a gym membership. He too had a trimmed beard and Rory noticed a wedding band on his finger –he was probably a huge teddy bear underneath that tough exterior.

"So," Chris said, being the first to sit and start the informal conversation, "your book."

"My book," Rory repeated nervously.

"We love it," Greg smiled.

"I heard," Rory laughed.

"Especially the way Jess read it to us," Bryan chuckled.

"I'm sorry –the way he read it? I'm not sure I understand what that means."

"Oh my God, he got way into it –he was like, changing his voice for everyone's dialogue. The way he tried to embody Luke was hilarious. And how fast does your mom _actually_ talk, cuz –" Matt laughed.

"Hey," Jess piped up. "Enough. Moving on…"

"No! No moving on! I could stand to hear more of this," Rory giggled. "So, you really _did_ read it to them like a bedtime story, huh?"

"So, okay… I got a _little_ engrossed," Jess admitted, blushing slightly.

"You're adorable."

"No. I'm not. Someone ask Rory a question of substance, please…."

"Really Rory. I know we've only seen the beginnings, but it's an incredible story," Chris said sincerely. "Your mother must be quite the woman."

"She is. Thanks," Rory smiled.

"Is she okay with you writing something so personal? I mean a lot of it seems to hinge on how her pregnancy affected her family –at first anyway," Greg asked carefully.

"Yeah, it does. And she was hesitant at first. We fought about it when I first told her about it, actually."

Jess looked at Rory with surprise. She met his eyes with a look that said the explanation was not meant for the whole table and they could talk about it later. He cleared his throat and let Rory continue.

"She trusts me," Rory explained. "It's something she knows I can do well, so, she came around. Anything that's super sensitive, I plan to clear with her first. It'll be fine."

"Any idea how far you'll take the narrative –at what point on the timeline it'll end?" Chris asked.

"No, not yet. I'm still so early in the process it's hard to say. I imagine I'd end off sometime within the last ten years, but I can't say for sure. Do you have any suggestions?"

"Well, if you carried us through to your early adulthood, that's probably a good goal. Memoirs like this have the potential to go on forever, but it's a good idea to close off when you reach the end of a particular phase of life," Matt explained.

"Given that this is a story about family, and the relationship primarily between mothers and daughters, starting with your grandmother and carrying all the way through to you, ending it at a point where the mother/daughter dynamic is still at play, but shifts when you can all relate to each other as adults…" Bryan continued, finishing Matt's thought.

"There may not be enough trees in the world. We might be imprisoned for endangering the environment," Rory laughed. "My family talks a lot. And fast."

"We noticed," Chris smiled.

"Let's not worry about page count, okay Rory?" Jess offered. "Just focus on telling the story –not how many trees you're killing. We'll worry about that."

"We can't wait until we get to read about the Jess you knew back in the day," Greg said with a sly grin.

Greg punched Jess' shoulder and Rory noticed a wedding ring on his finger too. _Must be nice_ , she thought to herself.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Maybe I should be the one to hide under the table."

"Hiding ineffectively under your chair would suffice," Rory winked at him.

"She's sassy," Bryan laughed. "I like her."

"Now, Rory," Chris said. "We're not Oxford University Press. We don't have a huge budget for marketing and advertising. Our main mode of outreach to the community is our 'zine, so when we have a draft or solid section we're happy with, we can publish excerpts to build anticipation for the release."

"Sounds good," Rory nodded.

"How do you feel about good old fashioned pounding of the pavement?" Matt asked.

"What?"

"Author-driven distribution. We've had a lot of success with it, and sadly even though we've expanded, we can't hire someone to push our product for us."

"Oh, right. Of course. I'm not sure how –"

"Jess told us you're living the small town life in Connecticut with your family right now, and you're no stranger to New York –you even lived right here in Brooklyn for a time?"

"Yeah."

"Well, great. You can take point on Connecticut and come out here to help Greg and Jess with the New York State leg, and Chris, Bryan and I can tag-team Pennsylvania. Aside from appearances, you won't have to be running back and forth between states that are three hours apart. We have contacts who can help us reach out past our immediate radius."

"Oh, sure. Yeah, I mean, I guess that would work," Rory said. She felt her cheeks flush –how was she supposed to travel and pound the pavement to support a book with a baby in toe? That was even if Jess was still willing, after she told him –she wouldn't blame him if he pulled the plug.

"Hey, are you okay?" Jess asked. "You're not getting sick again, are you?"

"No, no. I –"

"I'd say 'No more wine for you,' but you haven't had any. Are you sure you're all right?"

"Yeah, I'm good," she assured him, taking a large gulp of water. "What's next?" _Someone change the subject_ , she thought.

"We need to talk numbers, for printing," Bryan said.

Rory shot him a grateful glance. _Bless you, Bry_. "Right, numbers for printing. It's your publishing company. You tell me your thoughts."

"We'd rather start conservatively and have to rise to meet demand than to overshoot and not recoup the loss," Chris explained.

Rory swallowed hard.

"When we published _The Sub Sect_ for Jess we started with five hundred copies. But we've expanded a little since then, so we have a wider reach. Your background as a reporter certainly helps from a marketing standpoint –you might be new to the novel writing game, but your name isn't weightless, it's got clout. You've got clout," Matt said.

"Not much," Rory whispered sheepishly.

"You've got enough clout that we can use it to our advantage," Jess assured her.

"So, what does that mean for numbers?"

"I say we aim for eight hundred copies on the first run," Chris said. "Your name may be enough to let you break into bigger markets than Truncheon alone could do, but we don't want to puff out our chests too much."

"That sounds reasonable," Rory agreed.

"We're somewhere between a traditional and a custom publisher. We can help you with editing –or Jess can, in this case- and cover design, but you'd still have the final creative word on the process. We set the deadlines, we tell you how to hone your message to have the best shot at reaching the most people, but we don't write the message, you do," Greg explained.

"In terms of payment to us, I assume this book will be rather sizeable in length, given your earlier concern about killing trees?" Bryan asked.

"It's probably going to be at least two hundred pages," Rory answered.

"At least," Jess smirked.

"A book of that size can cost anywhere from fifteen hundred to two thousand in editing fees," Matt said. "But Jess has told us unequivocally to stay out of that negotiation. He's your point man on this, so he wants to hash out those details with you. We've agreed that's fine, as long as he doesn't bankrupt us. As to the rest, we'll take it as it comes. We're probably looking at fifteen dollars per unit to produce, so we'd be aiming to set the retail price at around twenty-five dollars, for a first edition. At first, your appearances will be with wherever will have you, plus obviously a bulk of appearances at both Truncheon locations –excitement will start at home, with this one. But with any luck, we'll start to field reimbursement offers for signings, readings, press junkets. If we're really lucky, we'll start to get reimbursed for your pretty face before the book is even released."

"Now. Deadlines," Jess said.

"Deadlines," Rory repeated, readying her brain to calculate how pregnant she'd be at every stage of the game.

"It's January. If we can have some good strong excerpts to start hyping up and get the word out via the 'zine by March, we'll be in great shape."

"March? That's fast."

"Everyone here has seen what you can do, Rory. I'm taking my cue from those first chapters you gave me. You can do this."

"If we can get you out doing pre-emptive appearances by spring, through the summer –and if you can write fast enough and keep the quality at the same high standard you set out of the gate with those chapters," Chris started.

"We'll be on track to have _Gilmore Girls_ on the shelves by December. Not only that –you play the cards right here, demand will be better than we can easily keep up with. And the day that we struggle to meet demand? Well, that'll be a good day the likes of which we haven't seen yet –and we've had some sweet ones," Jess smiled.

"Jess, I –"

"Hey. It's okay. You can do this Rory; I know you can. You have a table full of man servants, ready and willing. Please, use us," he winked. "Seriously –we're all here to help. We're in this together. It'll be great. You trust me, right?"

"Yeah."

"To trust me is to trust them. We've got you, Gilmore. Besides which, if I steer you wrong, or if any of these other fools do, I'll be the one paying for it. From you, your mom, Luke…. basically, if this is anything less than a huge success, I'm a fucking dead man –at least four times over. And I may have matured a lot, but I'm still driven by self-interest above all else. So, this book _will_ go well, because I don't much like the idea of being sued by your mom and having Luke kick my ass till it's a brand new shape –or having your grandmother put out a hit out on me, for that matter."

"Well, when you put it that way," Rory laughed. "Okay. Let's do this."

* * *

"Oh my God, Nick Carter wrote a comedy western horror film? You're _kidding_ me," Rory laughed as she and Jess settled in for their Friday the thirteenth bad horror movie marathon.

"I wish I was," Jess sighed. "I promised you some bad horror movies –this might be the worst. The sad thing is this is supposed to be a comedy too, and it's probably not even funny."

" _Dead 7_ …. oh my God, half the Backstreet Boys are in this! And some members of N*Sync and New Kids on the Block, because you know –gotta keep it interesting."

"Well, the bright side is, if we're lucky they'll _all_ die. Every last member of every bad boy band represented in this monstrosity."

"How is it possible that I didn't know this existed? How did _you_ know this existed?" Rory asked.

Jess narrowed his eyes. "Every man must have secrets. I beg of you not to make me tell you how I knew this existed."

"Didn't Nick Carter like, not even finish high school? He never finished high school! He wrote a movie? A movie that got _made_?"

"I promised you some bad movies. You cannot tell me I am not a man of my word… this is _terrible_."

"Wait, have you seen this?"

"Maybe."

Rory almost doubled over with hysterical laughter. She almost laid a hand on her stomach –something that was quickly becoming a reflex- but she stopped herself just in time. Her laughter subsided in a blink when she remembered.

"Are you okay?" Jess asked, noticing her quick change in demeanour.

Rory sighed heavily. She couldn't put this off. She'd created the threshold, and of course Jess was too finely attuned to her to miss it, even now –she'd created the threshold the instant the smile disappeared from her face and now, she had to cross it. "Jess, I –I need to tell you something," she whispered timidly.

Jess noticed her cheeks go red hot and that she started to tremble. "Okay, you're officially freaking me out here –and I'm not easily freaked."

"I –I can't –I don't know how to –"

"Rory, take a deep breath. Whatever it is, just say it. Just tell me."

"I'm pregnant."

Jess felt like someone whacked him in the chest with a brick. He felt the blood drain from his face and his mouth dry out like sandpaper. He heard her. He knew he'd heard her –and yet, his brain was spinning, trying to figure out how to make sense of it. "You're what?" he said quietly, with a voice he didn't even recognize as his own.

"I'm pregnant, Jess," Rory repeated softly.

"Pregnant. As in –pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"How pregnant are –I mean, how far along are you?"

"Jess…"

"Answer the question, Rory. If you know you're pregnant, you know the answer to how far along you are."

"About three months –a little more –a little more than three months."

"Holy shit," Jess sighed, running his hands through his hair and covering his face. "Holy shit. Holy shit. _Holy shit!"_ he yelled into his palms.

Rory was getting scared, she'd never seen him so –frantic before. "Jess, are you –?"

"Who's the father?"

"Wha –what?

"Who. Is. The. Father?" Jess spoke each word as slowly as his adrenaline would allow. After about five seconds, he lost it. " _God damn it Rory!_ It's a simple question. You didn't fuck yourself, did you? I have a right to know –"

"Jess!" Rory screamed. "Stop it! Please! Stop yelling at me."

"I'll stop yelling when you fucking tell me –"

"I don't know! I don't know, okay? I don't know."

"You don't _know_? Somehow I find that hard to believe –that _you_ of all people, wake up pregnant and you don't know who Daddy is. You told me you were on the pill!"

"I was –it, it didn't work, I guess."

"It didn't _work_? Jesus fucking Christ. When the hell were you going to tell me?"

"I'm telling you now."

"How could _you_ of all people –? What the hell, Rory? I know you –this isn't you."

"Until you showed up at the _Gazette_ we hadn't seen each other in four years. You may know me, Jess, but you have no idea what my life has been like," Rory cried.

"No, apparently I _really_ don't."

"It's not like you stuck around long enough to ask."

"Oh, that's rich," Jess laughed bitterly. "I asked you if you wanted to talk –you said no. I asked you if you wanted to figure out what it meant –you said no. After the state I found you in that day? That should've been my first clue. The girl I used to know would never just fuck someone without wanting to talk about it. I told you it wasn't nothing –that we didn't have to go promising each other eternity, but _I told you_ it wasn't nothing – _me!_ You begged me, you pleaded with me to just let it be, that you didn't want things between us to be weird, so I agreed –because God knows, we've had enough complications –enough heartbreak –enough screw ups. So I let it be and I left you alone, because _you_ asked me to. Jesus Christ, Rory –you knew all along, didn't you? You knew, the day I was sitting in your house, when you first showed me those chapters. When you threw up at the wedding –when you asked me to edit your book –all the times we've talked since then, you never said a fucking word. Who _are_ you?"

"I don't know," Rory whispered. "I don't know who I am anymore."

"So, how many other guys am I in a race with?"

"Excuse me?"

"If you don't know whether or not I'm the father, that means there's a chance it could be someone else. The sixty-four-million-dollar question is, how many someone elses are there?"

"One."

"Just one?"

"Yes."

"Who is he?"

"Jess…"

"Do I know him?"

Rory looked at Jess with wide, teary blue eyes, wordlessly begging him not to make her tell him.

"The judges will interpret your silence as a tacit 'yes', if you don't –"

"Yes. Yes, you know him," she sobbed.

Jess clenched his jaw and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm going to ask you nicely one more time –you haven't _seen_ me go over the edge, believe me. Who is he, Rory?"

"Lo –Logan."

"The blond dick who's obsessed with length. Fucking perfect. Does he know?"

"No."

"Oh, fucking hell, Rory. You're really batting a thousand here. Why not?"

"It's –" Rory sighed, knowing her response would only make things worse. "It's complicated."

Jess laughed bitterly once again, remembering the last time Rory told him that. "Of course it is. Well, the good news is, you have my full attention. Little did I know when I asked you to come here for the weekend that _this_ is what we'd be talking about. I'm listening."

"What?"

"I think I've earned the right to make my own judgment call on what 'complicated' is when it comes to Richie Rich –unless you all the sudden have some moral objection about me knowing too much and getting angry –because, God forbid. I'm here to help. You say it's complicated, so tell me about it. I won't tell him you blabbed, don't worry."

"Jess, I –"

"Rory, don't test me. You just told me that you're pregnant and you don't know who the fucking father is. If it really is as complicated as you say, my anger might melt away like a spring thaw. I'm listening. We have all weekend. You love to talk! So start talking. Now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that, kids, is what we call a curveball.


	6. Chapter 6

"I gotta get back to work," Luke said to Jess with a sigh, still covered in flour from the battle he lost with the bag that moved and broke, exploding all over him.

"Can I get a coffee?" a young man asked as Luke returned to his spot behind the counter.

"Yeah, you want some food with that?"

"No, just the coffee."

"That's it," Jess grumbled, rolling his eyes at the Wi-Fi-induced silence in the diner. He walked with a determined clip and disappeared into the back.

Five seconds later, the diner was filled with yelling and laments of frustration from all the patrons, who suddenly found themselves without an Internet connection.

"Merry Christmas," Jess said flatly, reappearing with the modem in his hands. He tossed it to Luke and headed for the door.

"When are we gonna get a Starbucks?" one woman complained.

Luke smirked and wrapped the cord around the modem. Just as he was about to set it down, he thought better of it and ran after Jess. "Hey, wait!" he yelled from the sidewalk just outside the door, waving the modem in the air.

Jess turned around and made his way back over to his uncle. "Yeah?"

"Can you take this to the house? I don't want Revenge of the Nerds in there reconnecting it when I'm not paying attention. I think Rory's there; the door should be open."

"Sure," Jess nodded, taking the modem from Luke. "I'll see you around eight? For food?"

"Yeah," Luke said, distracted. "I'll see you at eight –for food."

"Don't forget to change your shirt. You wouldn't want Taylor thinking that the flour is cocaine. And don't even think about starting something with the baking soda –you'll get your ass kicked," he smirked as he walked away.

* * *

It was Thursday, the twenty-second of September. The first day of fall. The leaves had already begun to change and there was a telltale chill in the air. Jess kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself as he walked.

When he arrived at the house, Jess stopped at the foot of the porch steps and took a deep breath. No matter how much time had passed, this house represented a time in his life that –he barely recognized who he was, back in the days when this house was a fixture. Cleaning the gutters, awkwardly sharing Chinese food with Lorelai, trying to get Rory to sneak out her bedroom window the night they met –it all seemed to have happened to someone else –not him. It wasn't weird, really, whenever he was in the house now. It was just something that always made him pause –take stock. That's what he was doing now –taking stock. Releasing his breath, Jess climbed the stairs.

He tried the door gently; it opened without protest. Normally, being here wasn't weird, but as Jess entered the empty house –no one there but him, and possibly Rory, someplace he couldn't see, for a fleeting instant he felt inexplicably nervous. He shook the feeling off and walked into the kitchen, to leave the modem on the table.

Just as he was about to head back to the front door, suddenly his shoes making the floor creek wasn't the only sound he heard. Rory's bedroom door was closed, but she was definitely in there –and she was crying. Jess didn't know whether it was his place to intrude on her privacy, but he couldn't just listen to her cry without acknowledging it –see if maybe he could do anything.

Jess knocked on her door very softly and pushed it open with two fingers as slowly as he could. "Rory?" he whispered, stepping forward a tiny bit.

Rory was lying on her bed, sobbing, curled on her side with her back to the door. When she heard her name, her entire body twitched violently in surprise. She looked over her shoulder and could barely make out the man standing in the doorway, through the tears clouding her vision. "Jess?" she choked out.

"Yeah, it's me."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm in town –obviously, but I, I went by the diner, talked to Luke. I disconnected his Wi-Fi, much to the chagrin of his nerdy clientele. He asked me to bring the modem here so they couldn't reconnect it when he wasn't looking."

"Oh. Okay," Rory said, turning her head back to the wall.

"I'm sorry to just burst in like this –but I heard you crying and I thought –I don't know why, but I just, I needed to make sure you were okay, I guess," Jess stammered. _Of course she's not okay, you idiot_ , he thought.

"Thanks. I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

"You're right, I'm not. But that's not changing any time soon, so," she sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"How much time have you got?" Rory chuckled bitterly.

"Enough," Jess replied simply, slipping his shoes and jacket off before walking around the side of Rory's bed, stooping down to meet her eyes. "I have enough time. What's wrong, Rory?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't even know where I'd start."

"Pick a place. Any place. Just start."

"You already know –from the summer, you know."

"No job, no credit, no underwear?"

"Exactly."

"But you weren't sobbing then, Rory. You were pissed at Esther and having scotch for lunch. This is something else. What is it?"

"It's –it's –" Rory couldn't speak over the sobs that tore from her chest, leaving her breathless and shaking.

Jess laid his hand gently against her back without thinking twice, running his palm up and down her spine, trying to calm her. He waited patiently, his brown eyes wide with concern –this was uncharted territory.

"It's my grandpa."

"Your grandpa?"

"He's dead."

"I know," Jess sighed.

"I really thought I would've woken up by now, you know? But it's been a year –it's been _over a year_ , Jess. And he's still –he's still gone," Rory cried. "I want him back."

"I know."

"I want him back! I want my life back! I'm screwing everything up! Please, Jess, can I just have my grandpa back? Please?"

"I wish it worked like that, Ror. I really do."

"Well, it fucking sucks."

"I know."

"Stop saying that!" Rory screamed, trying to squirm out of his grasp.

Jess tightened his arm around her back. "What do you want me to say, Rory? I can't say anything to make this better. I can't fix your life. I can't bring your grandpa back, and neither can you. And that fucking sucks. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? You're sorry! Oh, well, thank you. I had no idea. You know that _one_ time you called me after he died? I'm not even sure you said you were sorry."

"I did. You were –distracted. You were dealing with a lot."

"Whatever," Rory spat. "Just leave."

"No."

"Jess, get out of here!"

"No, Rory. I was the idiot who wanted to see if you were okay. I found you like this and you are so far from okay it's not even funny. If you think I'm leaving you alone in a state like this, you'll have to physically throw me out –which would be pretty impossible for you to do. Yell at me, blame shit on me, that's fine. Don't say anything to me if you don't want. I'll just sit here. But if you think I'm just gonna leave when you're –you're crazy."

"Jess. I'm not asking."

"Neither am I."

"Fuck you."

"Stop it Rory. You won't piss me off enough to make me leave, I guarantee it."

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

"You should hate me. I hate myself!"

"Don't say that, Rory. I don't hate you. Never gonna happen."

"Why not?" Rory screamed. "We were awful to each other. You _should_ hate me! Everything's fucked up! My life is a mess! I'm a mess and I don't even know when it happened! My grandpa's dead and it's not fair! I'm never going to see him again, or hear his voice. Do you have any idea how fucked up that is? Just leave Jess. Get out!" she sobbed angrily, ramming her fists into his chest in an effort to hurt him, push him away. It felt like her fists were limp spaghetti noodles, crashing against his brick wall of a chest.

"Rory, stop," Jess said firmly, trying to grab her wrists as they flew at him; he caught them easily. She struggled against him at first, like a child throwing a fit. He was much stronger than her; he tightened his hold on her arms gently and leaned right up against her, so that there was no space between them for her to flail. "Stop," he whispered, "shhhh, stop. It's okay."

"No it's not. Nothing's okay, Jess. Nothing," she cried.

"I know," he breathed against her. "I know. But hitting me won't fix it. Cathartic though it may be, trying to punch me won't fix anything," he smirked.

"Stop it," Rory pleaded weakly.

"Stop what?"

"Stop being so nice to me. It's weird. And I don't deserve it."

"I think you do. Just for today, of course," Jess winked, releasing his hold on her wrists and wrapping his arms around her to slide her over, giving him enough room to lay down and hold her against him.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said simply. "I'm doing nothing. But I'm right here. And crying doesn't scare me. So whatever else you've got in there –just let it out. The way you were shaking before, I'm surprised you didn't fall right off the bed. I'm here to make sure you don't fall off the bed. That's all, okay?"

"Stop being so nice."

"I will –tomorrow."

At some point, they both drifted off to sleep. When Rory woke up, she couldn't figure out why she was so warm. As her blurry eyes focused, she registered Jess' arm, draped strongly around her shoulders, keeping her safe, even in his sleep. She didn't move her head off his chest, instead allowing herself to become mesmerized by the slow rise and fall of his breathing. When did Jess become this guy? This man? This strong, sturdy man who could calmly take whatever she tried to throw at him –literally- and a person who would comfort her quietly while she hurled insults at him, manic in her grief? What had she ever done to deserve such patience, such tenderness from him? When did he become this man, and how had she missed it? As her mind churned over these questions, her emotions overwhelmed her and she started to cry again –it was truly amazing that she had any tears left.

Jess woke up when his shirt became damp –when he felt Rory start to tremble against him. "Rory?" he whispered drowsily. "We fell asleep? How long –?"

"Not long enough," Rory said softly. "Everything's so much easier when I'm unconscious. I wish I could just sleep forever."

Jess found her comment jarring.

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"Being nice."

"I bet you thought you'd never see a day when you'd be grateful that I didn't listen to you, huh?" he smirked.

"Jess, I mean it. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry for the things I said –about trying to –hit you," she whispered sheepishly. "You didn't deserve that."

"It's okay. I'll consider it long overdue from all those times long ago that I did deserve it and I got off relatively easily –no bearing on today. You were cursing at and trying to hit the eighteen-year-old ass who had it coming," he smirked. Jess kissed Rory's forehead softly; let his lips linger on her skin a second longer than he should have. She looked up at him and his heart rate accelerated –he knew she felt it, her hand replaced her head on his chest when she shifted to meet his gaze.

Rory pushed her palm gently into Jess' chest, slowly moving up until her face was level with his. His eyes followed her and when he could feel her breath tickling his skin, his arm involuntarily tightened around her. They stared at each other for a long time, the air in her small bedroom becoming thicker by the second. It was Rory who inched forward first.

When her nose brushed against his and he felt her lean in further, Jess' focus came back. "Rory," he whispered slowly, "wait, what are you doing?"

"Please Jess. I need to feel something –else. Something other than pain, regret, doubt."

"Well, the latter two might hit you later."

"What're you saying? Are you really saying you don't want this?"

"No –me not wanting it isn't the problem."

"Then what is?" Rory asked.

"Rory, do you have any idea what it was like for me to walk in here and see you like you were?"

"I can imagine."

"Trust me, you can't. You're going through a lot, Rory. You're grieving. You feel lost. I can't be the guy who swoops in and takes advantage of that –of you."

"But you're not."

"It'd feel like that to me. What you're witnessing right now is as much restraint as I have. If this –if we let this happen, once we start, I'm not sure I could stop myself," Jess explained, emotion raging through his eyes and across his face.

"Jess please believe me; you won't be taking advantage of me. I won't want you to –stop."

"But what would this mean?"

"It doesn't matter," Rory said.

"Yes it does. You know if we let this happen it won't mean nothing. It can't mean nothing –not with us."

"It wouldn't mean _nothing_ , but I –why does it have to mean _something_? Jess, I won't be ashamed of what we did, and you shouldn't be either. I know this will change things between us but I wouldn't want things to get weird –I mean it took us a long time to get to this neutrally friendly place and I know we're not _close_ anymore, but I don't want to lose you if we do this… I can't lose you. So, if you're worried about the same thing as me, I understand –but if you're not, I don't."

Jess cocked an eyebrow. "Really?"

Rory felt a lump rise in her throat. "Yes. Really."

He let out a heavy sigh, "If we were going to lose each other, Rory, I think it would've happened by now –that ship has sailed and passed so many times it's almost comical. Yes, this would change things –sex always does. But you'd never lose me. I think we're stuck with each other. I'll always have a piece of you and you'll always have a piece of me –those pieces will always be _ours_ and no one else's. I know you know that. If this happens now, it –I'm not saying we should be declaring undying love, that's insane –but it wouldn't mean nothing, it would mean _something_ , Rory," Jess said softly.

"Well, do we need to define ' _something_ ', or could we just let it be whatever it is?"

"I don't know if it can be that simple –"

"Why not? I just want to feel good, Jess. I need to feel something other than despair. I need –" Rory started to cry, tears falling down her cheeks. "Please Jess. I can't stop. My brain won't stop. And I need it to stop. I need it to stop, so that I can have some peace –my brain won't let me forget what a mess everything is and I need –I need to forget. Please help me forget. Please."

Something inside of Jess snapped. As much as he wanted to have an iron will, everything Rory was saying made sense to him on one level or another. She was spinning out of control, hard and fast and she was begging him to anchor her, at least for a little while. He couldn't be sure how much of an anchor doing this would provide and he was aware that it could even make things worse for her –though he found that hard to believe, given the desperate state she was in now. He'd never seen her like this –not even when she was drifting away from Yale, from Lorelai.

Jess was aware of everything this would mean, even if Rory couldn't see it right now –even though she was trying to downplay it. He also knew that everything between them happened a long time ago and he could handle it –this, he was sure he could; he could also handle Rory wanting it, without wanting to attach anything to it –he understood the feeling. If he had to bear the burden of _feeling_ this, even if it meant he had to internalize it –so be it. Jess felt he owed Rory that much –after all the pain they'd caused each other when they were younger, he happened to be there in an acute moment of need and she was asking him to _take away_ her pain, something he never thought he'd have the opportunity to do. He didn't have it in him to deny her what she was asking for.

Very slowly, Jess moved his arm which was around Rory's shoulder until he could cradle her head in his palm. With his other hand, he reached up and wiped her tears away, her skin sticky and swollen from crying. "Okay," he breathed, capturing her lips with his. He kissed her slowly, determined to savour what was happening and give her the longest reprieve from her sadness that he could. Everything he felt about her, everything he'd assumed that time had all but erased came rushing back the instant he swept his tongue into her mouth.

There was no struggle, no few seconds of awkward limbo where they had to remind themselves how to be completely overwhelmed by each other. This would take them further than they'd ever gone –after this, they would have a new appreciation of what it meant to be _overwhelmed_ by one another. But their bodies remembered, their mouths remembered, their tongues remembered –their hearts remembered.

Rory melted against Jess the moment he took her lips in his. She whimpered at the familiarity of his touch, loving the soft scrape of the stubble on his face. Everything about him was simultaneously exactly as she remembered, but much more intense. They were kids the last time they touched each other like this –and though Jess had always been more experienced than her, even then, it was different now. Jess was a man now. He had become mature and kind, strong and steady. Jess wasn't eighteen anymore –he kissed her, touched her and held her like the man that he was. When her mind wandered to the filled-out, chiselled figure that was waiting to be discovered under his clothes, Rory felt a shiver of anticipation ripple through her. Her legs opened involuntarily and warmth flooded between them.

Jess instantly aligned his body with hers. He rolled Rory slightly so she was fully beneath him and slowly took his mouth away from hers, kneeling on her bed between her legs. She bit her lip at the loss of his touch, but didn't have enough time to vocalize her protest –she forgot how to speak as he reached behind him, pulling his shirt up and off over his head, tossing it on the floor next to his shoes. She was sure she'd never seen anything quite so –beautiful.

Jess couldn't help but cock his trademark crooked grin as he watched Rory's eyes rake over him. "Not so fast," he teased when she reached out to touch him. "Not until I have just as much of your skin to touch."

Rory pulled her lightweight sweater off roughly, balling it in her fist and throwing it over Jess' shoulder. "Happy?" she asked breathlessly.

"Very," he whispered in her ear before lowering his mouth to her neck. He caressed her soft skin, and when he felt her quickened pulse under his lips, he felt a surge course through him. While Rory's hands greedily roamed his chest, abs and shoulders, Jess lost more and more of his restraint. Without releasing his mouth from her skin, he reached around to her back and popped the clasp of her bra. As it loosened from her body, Jess carefully and gently slipped his hand underneath it, to pull it away. Rory acquiesced and leaned back, releasing her hold on him to let the straps fall off her wrists. "You're –exquisite, Rory," he whispered, struggling to find the right word for what he saw.

"No I'm not," Rory protested softly.

"Hey," Jess chided gently, propping her chin up with his finger. "Yes you are. I'm pretty good with words when I want to be, you know. My vocabulary choice wasn't a mistake. You don't believe me?"

"I guess I just don't see what you see. Especially not lately. No one's ever told me I'm exquisite, not even –no one's said that about –well, you know."

"So, the short answer is 'No, Jess, I don't believe you'," he smirked. "That's okay, I can show you." Jess slowly pushed Rory back, until she was lying flat. He placed soft kisses on her neck and worked his way down. He trembled slightly before lowering his mouth to her breast. As soon as he tasted her, Rory cried out and arched into him. This made him bold enough to take her other breast in his palm, massaging it until he felt her go slightly limp from pleasure beneath him; Rory told him she wanted him to make her feel good, and clearly he was succeeding.

Rory bent one of her knees, grazing Jess' groin –even through his jeans she could feel that he was rock hard. When he felt her touch him there, even through his clothes, an involuntary shudder rippled through him and he pulled her nipple between his teeth. She liked how it felt, so she did it again and was rewarded by Jess moving his mouth from one side of her to the other and biting down again.

Rory's fingers found their way to Jess' hair, which she twisted and tugged eagerly. She loved that it was long enough for her to fully grasp, letting her guide his direction and force exactly how she wanted. Jess, for his part, was all too happy to let her. Without warning she tugged him –almost roughly- up and devoured him in a long, passionate kiss. By the time it broke, they were both panting for breath.

Rory squirmed out from under him and leaned forward, to balance on her knees. Jess followed her lead. When she deftly undid his belt, discarded it unceremoniously onto the floor and made quick work of the fly on his jeans, he was downright impressed with how sure her movements were –how sure _she_ was by extension.

"Oh fuck Rory," Jess said breathlessly as her hand disappeared down his pants and she pulled him out over the waist of his jeans, massaging him tantalizingly over his boxers. "You're such a tease," he whispered when she continued to stroke him but made no move to free him from his boxers. "That feels so good."

Rory smiled at him seductively as she inched closer to him on her knees and she slowly –finally freed him from his clothes. She wrapped her arms around his hips as she lowered her mouth onto him, teasing his tip, before licking her way down the underside of his length and back up and finally enclosing her mouth around him. She liked the _less is more_ adage when it came to this. She stayed focused on not allowing more than an inch of him slide into her mouth at a time, never taking him in fully, letting her hands do the rest. Better to tease, tantalize, leave him wanting more.

Jess had absolutely no problem with what Rory was doing –aside from the truly overwhelming pleasure he felt building within him from being in Rory's mouth, Jess _wanted_ her to do whatever it pleased her to do. This was about her. He wanted her to do what made her feel the best she could possibly feel. "Oh, fuck, Rory. Your mouth feels so good on me." He closed his eyes threaded his fingers through her soft brown hair, tugging it and pulling it.

Rory moaned and looked up at him, spurred on by the pleasurable pain she felt when Jess pulled her hair, unafraid to guide her where and what he wanted most. Jess could even  _feel_ her moan reverberate through him from where she knelt, her mouth still closed around him. Jess teased her breasts with one hand, keeping the other entangled in her hair as Rory slowly licked her way down his length again, stopping to suck gently on the delicate skin at his base. She found a spot that made him hiss –so she sucked more firmly, noting how pleasurable it was for him- as she reached down between his legs and rolled him around in her palm in a gentle massage.

Jess couldn't take it anymore. He reached for Rory's face and pulled her up to meet his eyes, kissing her wildly and forcing his tongue into her mouth. The sensation of tasting him on her lips was overwhelming. "Tasting myself on you is the sexiest thing I've ever…" he panted.

Rory pushed him down onto his back and pulled his pants off eagerly, with no hesitation. She was just about to throw them, adding them to the pile on his clothing when he stopped her. "Wait."

"What happened to 'once we start, I'm not sure I could stop myself,'?" she whispered teasingly. Her teasing gave way to sadness within seconds when Jess didn't answer the very same instant she asked.

Jess reached up and caressed Rory's cheek. He couldn't help but chuckle softly. "That's not what I meant. I have a condom in my wallet, which is in my back pocket. I should get it before I can't bring myself to care where you threw my jeans –much less stop what we're doing to find them," he explained with a gentle smile.

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that," Rory answered with a tiny grin. "That's what the pill is for."

"Oh, thank God," Jess laughed. "So where were we?" he asked seductively, his brown eyes darkening with desire. "I think, since I'm now fully naked, you should be too. And you should let me return the favour. Let me help you with those," he whispered lowly, wrapping his hands around Rory's leggings and pulling them –and her underwear- down in one swift movement. As he prepared to toss them to the floor, he could feel, even through the outer layer of her leggings, that Rory's underwear was soaked through with her arousal –so much so that even her leggings were distinctly damp. As he moved them to throw them across to the opposite side of the room, he caught the faintest whiff of the smell of that arousal and it was intoxicating.

Jess was overwhelmed with what he saw before him. Rory's intimate flesh was so much more perfect than what he'd imagined or fantasized about when he was a teenager. The short, expertly trimmed hair covering her sex –it was almost more than he could take. "Rory, please," Jess said, his voice raw with need, "I have to taste you."

Rory bit her lip as a wanton moan escaped her throat. She nodded and tangled her fingers through Jess' hair again, guiding him to where she wanted him most –to do what he _told_ her he needed to do, she was so turned on by that she thought she might burst.

This was the point of no return. Up to now, Jess could've put the brakes on what was happening if he really wanted to. Even as they teased each other and explored one another's skin, somewhere in the back of his mind his logic was trying to reason with him. But now the jig was up. Especially since Rory seemed unable to acknowledge the true weight of what was happening, Jess' mind spun as he tried to balance overwhelming, long pent up desire with the emotional toll that would be his, and his alone to carry –it seemed- if he allowed his desire to tumble over the cliff of release.

It was clear to Jess that they _both_ needed this –but for entirely different reasons. That was why he couldn't say no, or logic himself out of this. A part of him needed this just as badly as Rory did. Would this be the closure that was never afforded to them in their youth? Or would it just make everything between them an even more indiscernible shade of grey?

Jess' hands trembled as he stroked the curves of Rory's hips; his breathing shaky as he exhaled a hot breath on the skin of her stomach. She whimpered and pleaded softly for more.

"I don't know what this is, Rory," he whispered against her skin, his words vibrating through her, "and you don't either, and that's fine. But it's not nothing. Tell me you understand that and I'll give you exactly what you want. No elephant in the room, no weirdness –ever. I promise you. I can do that for you, if you can do the same. But I need to know you understand that this?" Jess' tongue darted out and licked a line up to her belly button. "This is not nothing."

Rory propped herself up on her elbows and looked down. Jess' brown eyes were dark, waging a war. She'd asked him for something huge, something it would normally be totally unlike her to ask for –something that would take a toll on him, the likes of which she couldn't begin to understand. She could think of countless other things adding to the burden she couldn't carry –so Jess was agreeing to carry it for her. He didn't have to let this happen, but he did. What he was asking her for was small. He was agreeing to let this be the one and only time this was acknowledged. Rory didn't feel capable of much, but she could give him this. "It's not nothing," she whispered. "I understand that –I do. This isn't nothing, Jess. I promise."

Jess smiled crookedly and blinked hard. In this moment, it was all he needed. He'd figure out how to balance the weight of everything later. Taking a deep and calming breath, he settled between her legs and lowered his mouth to her heated flesh. Rory was dripping wet; he tantalizingly licked up every drop before sucking gently on her soft skin, spreading her with his tongue and teasing her gently with his teeth.

Rory's fingers tangled in Jess' hair, forcing firmer, harder contact. "Oh my –fuck, Jess!" she screamed. "Oh, just like that! Mmmm that feels so good!"

Jess smirked against her, pleased to know he was giving her what she had begged him for. Soon Rory was tensing around him, and he drank every drop of her as though he were a man lost in the desert, desperate for water. As she was coming down, he released her, crawling up her body and capturing her mouth with his hungrily. In the midst of their kiss he reached down and entered her with two fingers. He groaned at how easily they slid inside of her; he wasted no time starting to move them –not slowly, his intent was to work her into a frenzy.

Rory broke away from Jess' mouth to cry out. She was heaving against him and bucking her hips, searching for release. As that indescribable tickle spread through her, she got more frantic.

Jess wouldn't let her get off so easily, he thought –he laughed darkly to himself at his own mental pun. When he felt warmth spread over his fingers, he yanked them out and grabbed Rory's hips, turning her over on all fours. He leaned down, laying the full weight of his chest against her back, licking her ear and kissing her neck as he gathered her soft brown hair gently in one of his hands; with the other, he held her hip tightly.

"Oh, holy fuck," Jess gasped as he entered her, immediately starting to thrust. "Christ, Rory. You feel so good."

For her part, Rory trembled as she felt Jess fill her. "Oh, wow," she whimpered. "Oh my God, oh my God. Don't stop, Jess. Please don't stop."

Jess tugged Rory's hair until she released her hands from the bed, balancing on her knees with her back against his chest. She reached behind her to grasp his hips to help her balance against his increasingly hard movements within her. When her hands grasped him, Jess released Rory's hair and threaded one of his arms through both of hers.

Rory gasped at the sharpness this slight change in position brought. As long as he held her in this way, Jess was in control. One wrong move –if Jess pulled too hard, if Rory struggled or resisted she could get seriously hurt. But it felt good –really good. And it only felt good –and wasn't dangerous- if the man could be trusted not to yank the woman's shoulders out of their sockets. It wasn't a position that either of them had much experience with, but it seemed like the perfect physical mirror for the raging internal tug of war that brought them to this moment.

When Jess felt sweat slicken his skin, he released Rory's arms. He pulled out and flipped her over onto her back. Rory tried to reach between them and grasp him, but he stopped her, grabbing both her wrists and pinning them on either side of her head. "No. This isn't about me. Don't get me wrong –I really, really love what you did before, but you told me you wanted to feel good. So, what do you want, Rory?"

Rory's entire body shook with want under Jess' intense gaze. "I want –I want to feel all of you –everywhere."

Jess' reasons for needing this may have been entirely different from Rory's, but even if their minds were totally in sync, she couldn't have given him a better answer. "Your wish," he smirked, leaning down close enough to breathe his words into her, forcing her legs to open wider as he guided her arms up, draping them around his neck, "hold on tight."

Rory let her arms slide around Jess' neck until it fit into the bend of both her elbows. She pulled her nails lightly across the skin of his shoulders –they were so much broader than they used to be –he was so strong.

Jess covered Rory's mouth in a kiss so deep, so full, that unless they breathed together, there was no breathing at all. One of his hands found its way to her breast –pulling, twisting and pinching until her nails dug into his skin, the only way she could respond with the way he had her pinned. He groaned at the sharpness of her touch as it sent a jolt all the way down and he felt himself twitch in anticipation.

Pulling his hips up and back, Jess continued to hold Rory's mouth captive. Without warning, he thrust forward and down, until he was fully sheathed in her, their skin coming together with a slap as he hit the deepest part of her and could go no further. Rory cried out into his mouth in surprise and Jess saw spots behind his eyelids at the intensity of it. He pulled back fast and plunged into her again, driven almost to insanity as her body gripped him tighter each time. This continued at a steady rhythm until each thrust caused Rory to slide up with the force of it. Instinctively, Jess carefully slid one arm under her back where it arched. He pulled himself up on his knees and lifted Rory's backside, pulling her forcefully onto him, holding her still while he continued to slide all the way in and all the way back out, over and over. "Told you I wouldn't let you fall off the bed," he panted heavily. "Too much?"

Rory shook her head, her lips quivering. "Not enough," she breathed.

"Christ, you're gonna be the death of me today," he laughed.

Rory adjusted her position slightly so that she could lock her long legs around Jess' back. She leaned up and captured his mouth in a deep, searing kiss, pressing their chests together and bolstering herself against his strong frame as she notched her heels together.

When Jess felt Rory's legs pull him deeper into her and hold him there, his eyes flew open at the intensity of it. No longer able to thrust, he twitched violently within her, in a way he couldn't control –much less stop. "Fuck, oh fuck, Rory –fuck I'm gonna –"

"Oh shit, Jess! Me too," she said breathlessly, reaching down in in the tiny space between them to touch herself. "Fuck, me too. Don't stop! Just like that! Please!"

Jess caught the sight of Rory stroking herself as he remained so deeply buried in her and he thought he might spontaneously combust. "Oh God… touch yourself Rory, just like that."

At the last possible second, Jess tried to pull out –it was a reflex, even when he was wearing a condom. Even more so in those few encounters he had when he was younger and the girl insisted she hated condoms but wasn't on the pill. He was good with pulling out; it hadn't led to any unintended pregnancies over the years –thank God.

"Jess, no," Rory said with laboured breath. "You don't need to."

"Sorry. Reflex."

Rory leaned in close, whispering in his ear before she licked and bit it teasingly, "Come with me, Jess. I'm almost there, do you feel it? I want to feel you come inside me."

Within seconds, they were moving frantically against each other, their cries were more desperate, their moans and groans louder and more wanton. With one last small, forceful push, Jess felt Rory clench impossibly tight around him, and that was all he needed to let go entirely, spilling his seed inside of her.

When their bodies stopped humming from the overwhelming intensity of it, they realized they were downright exhausted by everything they'd just done. They collapsed into a sleepy, sweaty heap on her bed. Jess looked at the clock –it was only one in the afternoon. He had plenty of time to sleep before Luke expected him back at the diner at eight to get dinner –if the poor man even remembered.

He set the alarm on his wristwatch and pulled a blanket up around himself and Rory, who was already struggling to stay awake.

"So that was… intense, huh?" she asked with a yawn.

"Yeah, it really was."

"I know it might be a little early to be asking you this, especially with all the logical arguments you presented earlier, but –do you regret it?"

"No," Jess assured her sincerely. "It's what it is –you, me. Now, this is part of what it is –the you, me thing. Honestly, I figured with all of our pent up sexual tension –regardless of the bulk of it being long past- this was bound to happen sometime. I never thought it would happen today –like this –after finding you –I never thought it would happen with you begging me to help you feel good when you've been grieving. I am surprised it happened this way; but I'm not surprised it happened. And no, I don't regret it Rory…. I'll have a lot of feelings about this when I have more than five seconds to process it all, I'm sure –but I'll never regret it. A part of me –for entirely different reasons –a part of me needed this too."

"Thank you for being my safety net today," Rory whispered as her eyes drifted closed. "If you hadn't come in when you did –you were right; I was in no state to be left alone."

"You're welcome. Try to get some sleep now, Rory."

Jess' watch woke him up three hours later, at four. The beeping alarm on his watch was discreet but shrill –he shut it off quickly so that it wouldn't wake Rory. She was asleep and the calmest and serenest he'd seen her all day, which was quite a significant thing. He couldn't bring himself to wake her, thereby shattering the peace she was so desperate for.

Jess gathered his clothes and dressed quietly, creeping over to Rory's desk before putting on his shoes. He found a small pad of paper and a pen and wrote something down, leaving it on the pillow next to her face and moving her hair out of her eyes gently. Jess kissed Rory's cheek before grabbing his shoes and jacket and slipping out of her room –and house- silently.

Rory woke up a few hours later and found the note Jess had left her on her pillow. She smiled sadly as she read it:

 _It was not nothing Rory. It could never be nothing. I just want you to know… to me, what happened today will never be nothing. I hope it brought you some peace. I'm always here for you if you need me –sorry if you felt like I wasn't before. But I am. I know we agreed that this wouldn't be an elephant in the room, I promised you no weirdness. I'll keep my word –I just want to make sure you know that it was not nothing –it will never be nothing._ _See you around, I guess. Stay well, okay? You can always come to me Rory, always –I mean it.  
_ _-Dodger_

* * *

The next night, on Friday September twenty-third, Logan and the Life and Death Brigade swept into Rory's tiny town for a night full of adventures and hijinks the likes of which Stars Hollow had never seen.

Together, Colin, Robert, Finn and Logan appeared to give Rory an unforgettable experience. They toasted Kirk's film with champagne, played rooftop golf and hit the road to Rory knew not where, shortly after ten at night. She and Logan laughed uproariously from where they sat in the back of a pickup truck, watching trees wiz by in the night, Rory giddily sipping a martini as the vehicle sped down the highway.

Robert bought a dance club and Rory and Logan sat in the back, behind a beaded curtain, sipping champagne and having a decidedly heavy conversation about Odette, Rory's fight with Lorelai and how unnerving it was that she'd disappeared to California to 'do _Wild_ ', meaning Rory hadn't heard from her at all.

Rory was shocked to learn that Logan and his buddies _bought out_ an inn in New Hampshire. She was confused when Logan offered her a key to her own room. "But, where's your room?" she'd asked.

"Right across from yours," Logan had replied with a smile.

Rory offered him her hand. "Show me," she'd said simply, allowing him to lead her upstairs.

The next morning, Rory was pensive and sad; she put an end to the affair she knew couldn't continue. Logan had no plans to leave Odette and Rory didn't want to the mistress for the rest of her life. As much as it could not be denied that she and Logan somehow found a way to love each other again, unless he could prove that to her by doing what he needed to do in order to _be with her_ , it didn't matter how much it broke her heart to do it –she had to end it.

Rory had no idea how drastically her life was about to change. She'd had a passionate encounter with Jess just _one day_ before being whisked away by Logan for a romantic night at a secluded New Hampshire inn.

A huge unseen curveball was lurking in the shadows, waiting to strike. Sleeping with these men one day after the other would only make things impossibly more complicated than they were about to become. Rory had no way of knowing at the time –what was waiting around the corner and just how much she stood to lose as she stared pensively out the window of the New Hampshire inn as Logan slept soundly behind her, without a care in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched the Life and Death Brigade sequence very carefully. While the general theory is that Rory was already pregnant by the time she was at the inn in New Hampshire, we do SEE her drink a martini while sitting in the back of the pickup truck with Logan, when they've 'hit the road', so... it is possible that she got pregnant at the inn, so to speak. This is the theory I'm running with to make this work.


	7. Chapter 7

"I woke up and you were gone, Jess," Rory spat.

"Oh, don't fucking pull that with me. I left a note for you, an inch from your face. I had to go. I didn't want to wake you. Don't you remember telling me you wished you could sleep forever? That you wanted some peace? Well, you did look peaceful Rory –so I let you sleep because I didn't want to take that from you. Yes, I left your bed –I left your house. But I didn't _leave_. I wasn't _gone_ , and you know it. You're pretty smart, so I'm sure you could and did actually read the note I left –it's not like it was written in Swahili. I told you I was there for you –that I'd always be –that you could come to me, anytime. You didn't, Rory. That was _your_ choice," Jess shot back. "You didn't want weirdness, so I never brought it up –I promised you that. If you try and make this my fault, maybe I will start regretting what happened."

"So, it's my fault? I got pregnant, so you're pissed. You're pissed because I told you that you didn't need to wear a condom and here I am all knocked up, so this is my fault?"

"Jesus Christ –what are you, fourteen? Am I shocked as fuck that you're pregnant? You bet your ass I am. Am I mad? Yes –but not because you're pregnant."

"Then why? What –exactly- is your fucking problem?"

"You lied to me! That's my fucking problem!"

"I never lied, Jess –"

"You lied by omission, Rory. You've known that you're pregnant since –I'm guessing Luke and Lorelai's wedding. That was at the beginning of November. It's January. You asked me to edit your book and I said yes. You let me agree to that! You let me pitch your precious book to _my_ friends. I run a business with these guys, Rory! And you let me get them involved! You played me and I'd be lying if I said I didn't hate you a little for that."

"How did I play you?" Rory asked angrily.

"I'm not just your old pal and ex-flame in this equation, Rory. That kid could be mine! You don't know if that kid is mine, but you know it could be. You being pregnant is not just something that complicates an editorial schedule, or messes up a calendar of press junkets or jeopardizes a release date –this is something that could change my life as much as it's about to change yours and you knew that all along. You waited to tell me until after I'd pitched you to my business partners and brought them on board for a book which _we_ need. You cornered me. You waited to tell me until you had me exactly where you wanted me and now no matter how this affects me, you still get your precious _Gilmore Girls_ ," Jess yelled.

"I asked you to edit my book because this was your idea, and I trust you to do it. Are you saying you don't –that you'd renege, just because I'm pregnant?"

"For fuck's sake, Rory –stop making me out to be some anti-feminist pig who'd ditch the pregnant girl. You're trying to cushion yourself here –make this anyone's fault but yours. Sorry, sweetheart, you may actually need to take some responsibility here.

"When you're pregnant with a child that may or may not be mine, it kinda complicates things, yeah. Something like that may make it hard for me to think clearly –to work for you. You know, for someone who graduated from Yale, you're making yourself seem like quite the simpleton here –you keep it up, I may start to buy it. I hate to break it to you and I'll apologize in advance for the mental gymnastics you may have to perform to understand why, but –yes, if it were only up to me, I'd show your manuscript the door because I can't dive into helping you with a book while you're carrying what could be my child, much less a child that could either be mine or an adulterous one. Let's not forget you asked me to run point, Rory. And you did that when you knew you were pregnant and that the kid might be mine. Tell me again that you don't understand how I could possibly feel played."

"I didn't mean to –"

"Yeah, but you did," Jess said bitterly. "How I feel about your book isn't even the biggest problem I'm having right now. Pulling the plug right here and now would seriously fuck Truncheon over. _I_ am not Truncheon, Rory. Truncheon is Matt, it's Chris, it's me, it's Bry, it's Greg. I couldn't tell you yes for sure until all of them agreed and I can't dump you without running it by them, either."

"Jess, you can't –" Rory started to say desperately.

"It would be wise of you _not_ to presume that you can tell me what I can and can't do on account of how it would screw up your dreams of having a bestseller, Rory," he seethed. "If you do, I might boot you anyway and risk the consequences. That's the type of whimsy you'd be inspiring if you finish that sentence."

"I'm sorry."

"Well, that makes everything better, doesn't it? Sadly, those chapters are brilliant and you're really fucking likable, so odds are you'll get your way –as always. I can't exactly turn my place of business into _Maury Povich_. What's happening right now is none of their business and it's not for me to air your dirty laundry, so I'm going to have a hard time explaining why we have to ditch our first bestseller."

"Thank you."

"Save it. Get used to the idea of one of the other guys taking point –I may not be able to trash your book, but I can't edit anymore; I don't want to be anywhere near this, except insofar as I need to be in order to keep this paternity confusion quiet, you understand? It's just –too much. Assuming I can't make my case –which is a pretty strong bet- I'll give it to Greg. He's new with us, but he's good at what he does; he's honest, he's earnest and he knows nothing about you, which is a very small mercy. He'll be overwhelmed at the thought of getting such a massive assignment, but again I say –earnest. I'll tell him you're pregnant, so he can plan accordingly. He'll do it. And you'll let him."

"What if he asks –"

"I'll make something up. Whatever he tells you I told him –you _will_ back my play."

"Okay."

"So," Jess sighed. "Let me see if I understand this. The day after you had sex with me, Logan whisks you away somewhere and you had sex with _him_?"

"Yes."

"Guess I'm not the only one who can take away your despair huh?"

"Jess…"

"Is he what you used me to help you forget? Guess it didn't work –you probably didn't want to forget him that badly if you fucked him the next day. So, Logan lives in London –except the day after we slept together when he magically swept into small town Connecticut under cover of night. Logan's engaged –and you guys have been having an affair for what –three years?"

"He doesn't love her," Rory said defensively.

"I don't really give a shit if he loves her, or who he decides to sleep with when she's not looking –even if it's you. No, see –what I care about is the part where _you might be carrying his baby_. Really, how do you think it'll be, if the baby is his? Do you really think he'll leave his fantastic life of privilege to move to Stars Hollow to be a townie dad while you work at the _Gazette_? Do you think he'll whisk you away and you guys will live in some fantastic penthouse and you'll have a beautiful life and yet more beautiful children? It doesn't matter that I think he's an entitled prick –and it doesn't matter how much he may actually love _you_ and not the poor woman he's marrying –the chances of you getting a happy ending here are very slim. You know that, right? Odds are, he'll still marry her, Rory. You're the other woman with the lovechild. Is that really the life you want?"

"I don't –I broke it off with him."

"You have to tell him, Rory."

"What? No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"But you just said –"

"I know what I said. You still have to tell him."

"That's not your decision, Jess," Rory said evenly.

"Nope. It most certainly is not. I can't make you do a damn thing, Rory. But you should tell him. _You_ should _know_ that telling him is the most logical thing to do. It's the right thing to do."

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do –because the worst that could happen if this kid is his is that he'll refuse to acknowledge it, which leaves you in a no worse position than if you were to hide it from him. Do you really think if he doesn't leave Miss Swan Princess to be with you that he'll take you to court and fight for sole custody of his lovechild? He won't, because he knows you'll raise the kid and love it, so if he doesn't man up and be with you, or man up and contribute to this child's wellbeing, he's washing his hands of you. Those are the three ways this could go. I may not like Logan, Rory, but that doesn't mean I would agree with you if you chose to hide this from him. I'd fight you every single day on it. I _will_ fight you every single day."

"Why?"

"Because he deserves the chance to be a better man than I think he is. You don't have any right to deprive him of the _chance_ to be a father to that kid, even if it is by paycheque only."

"Why do you care so much?"

"I think the better question is how the hell can you _not_ care? How can you be _this_ callus?" Jess asked harshly. "Do I really need to spell it out for you? That's sad, since you saw it all firsthand and I didn't."

Rory shook her head. "I'm confused. What are you even –"

"Luke."

"What?"

"Luke. Luke has a daughter that he didn't know about for twelve years because some woman took it upon herself to presume that she knew, beyond any shadow of any doubt that Luke was anti-kid, so she never told him. He found out and it killed him. He was confused, he was hurt and he felt robbed. He had to fight that bitch so hard to be a part of April's life. I bet she didn't think he'd care, much less fight –but he _fought_ , he fought like hell. She actively tried to keep April away from him, she sabotaged his relationship with _your mom_ in the process. I mean sure, he took some missteps when he was trying to figure out the parenting thing, but –come on, Rory. Luke took her to court and she tried to paint him as neglectful, because he'd been absent for twelve years; do you know what he had to say in response? He was _absent because he didn't know_. And if he'd have known, he would've been there from day one. You and I –we understand better than most how crazy that woman is –because to deprive a child of Luke? That's insane. He's the best father there is. He was to you –he was to me. And we're not even _his_ kids, Rory.

"Logan is not half the man Luke is –he might not even be a quarter of the man Luke is- but you don't have any real justification for keeping this from him. He didn't abuse you, he didn't threaten you, he didn't force you to do anything you didn't want to do; you had a fully consensual sexual relationship with him and now you're pregnant with what could be his child. At the very least, he could help pay for the kid. At most, the kid could have a father –fucked up dynamic though it might be, with Daddy's wife being a French socialite, but still," Jess sighed. "He deserves the chance to prove himself to be more than the appendage that may have gotten you into this situation. Don't keep it from him, Rory –it'd be the wrong thing to do. You say he doesn't love this other woman? You say he's not Daddy's tool? You think he really loves you? Give him the chance to prove it."

"I don't know if I can," Rory said quietly.

"Well, you kinda have to. Something tells me I can get scarier than him –so if you're willing to subject yourself to my rage, why won't you tell him? He's in London, Rory. He won't even be able to yell at you for too long on account of he lives with and is engaged to another woman."

Rory looked at Jess sheepishly.

"Oh," Jess said darkly. "I get it. You can get away with him never having to know. He's in London and you broke up with him –how's he going to know you're pregnant? How's he going to know when you're raising a child? He won't. But the thing is, he would –eventually, somehow he'd find out and then all hell would _truly_ break loose.

"Me, on the other hand –you asked me to edit your book, so you can't not tell me. Plus, my uncle is your mom's husband and your surrogate father, so even if you hadn't signed up for quality Jess time and boxed yourself into a corner with me, I'd still find out, right? Also, God help you if that kid has dark brown hair and a crooked mouth, because then I might do the math all on my own. You're quite the piece of work."

"Jess, that's not fair."

"Oh, on the contrary –it's very fair. If it's not, then just tell me I'm wrong without staring at your hands, without turning beet red, without crying. Tell me I'm wrong, Rory."

Rory said nothing.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. I realize it takes two people to –but this is the situation you're in now, Rory. You've told me. You have to tell him. Remember when you were screaming at me that day? You said you hated me and I told you that no, you didn't and you said that I should hate you because you hated yourself and we were awful to each other?"

"Yeah."

"What did I tell you –what was my answer to you?"

"Not to say that about myself and that you didn't hate me –that it –that it was never gonna happen," Rory whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat.

"Make no mistake, Rory, I'm _not_ this kid's father regardless of what the paternity tests say once it's born. If it turns out to be mine, I'll be the father –the dad that I never got –the father and dad that Luke was to me and to you. If I am this kid's father, I will love them hard –unconditionally.

"No matter what happens with the paternity of this child, you and I are still going to be part of each other's lives –somehow. Once all of this settles down and we know what's what, we'll redefine our normal –it may never be what it was, but we'll find our way back to something even if it takes a _really_ long time," Jess assured her with a heavy sigh; he didn't know how that could possibly be true, but he was willing to pretend as such because he _wanted_ to believe it.

"But I will not be the stand-in father of Logan's kid because it's _easier_ for you to keep the whole thing a secret from him. I won't be Runner Up Dad who steps in when you've withheld this child's existence from the actual father because it'd be 'too complicated' to tell him. You can't expect me to be the primary caregiver and the fatherly influence in the life of a child whom I'm not the father of, just by default because I'm –as it turns out- the more responsible man.

"If you do that –if you choose not to tell Logan at all and then you try to force me into a fatherhood role regardless of who the father _actually is_ just because I'd be the 'better' father –that's all kinds of fucked up and it's monumentally unfair to me.

"You don't get to decide who the father of that baby is, Rory –biology does. If the dad is a deadbeat, you can make sure your child has no shortage of fatherly influences –like Luke's always been to you. Luke loves you unconditionally and he is, for all intents and purposes, your dad. But biologically, your father always was and always will be –" Jess trailed off, realizing for the first time that he didn't know the name of Rory's father.

"Christopher –Christopher Hayden is –he's my dad," Rory said.

"Christopher is your biological father. Luke became your surrogate father, but Christopher will always be your father. And Luke became what he is to you –and Lorelai- after your dad let you down a bunch of times, right? Or he was never quite the pillar of support he promised he'd be, or that you and your mom wanted him to be? So Luke became that guy.

"But Rory –I will not be that guy for you –for Logan's child- by default because you refuse to tell Logan you're even pregnant –that you're having a baby. That's a whole new level of unfair and I won't do it. If you just assume that I'll step in and become a better father than Logan could ever be as an excuse to not tell him –that's bullshit. If you do that, I _will_ hate you."

"I'll find a way to tell him," Rory said sincerely, realizing for the first time the full gravity of what she'd originally planned to tell Logan –which was nothing.

"Soon. You _have to_ talk to him soon."

"I will Jess –I swear. But how will you –I mean, we won't be able to figure out the paternity until the baby's born –you're going to have to make peace with each other on some level during my pregnancy," Rory said carefully.

"I may not like him, but I actually barely know the guy… I'm pretty sure I can be civil, don't worry. If he isn't, I can't promise that I'll continue to be. Plus, he does live in London –somehow I don't think he'll hop the pond every time you have a prenatal checkup," Jess said flatly.

"I'll have to give you his number –in case anything happens during my –"

Jess became immediately anxious at the thought of Rory and her baby being in any danger –a baby that might be his. He kept his tone even when he spoke. "I know. Understandable. I get it. I'll make sure he's in the loop the best I can if –something happens. But I can't be the only one talking to him. Your mom will know better and faster than me what's going on with you. She should be keeping him in the loop first."

"Yeah. Okay. Thank you," Rory said sincerely.

Jess nodded and sighed heavily at the thought of his next question. "What does everyone else think about –whose baby do they think it is?"

"My mom thinks it's Logan's. She doesn't know that you and I –no one else knows anything. I've just told everyone it's complicated and I don't want to talk about it; they're buying it for now. I'm sure the Logan theory will circulate eventually but –no one will suspect you."

"Let's keep it that way –we can tell them the kid's mine if it turns out to be mine. I'll get Greg to keep me in the loop with how things are going with your book –a fifty-fifty split on paper only and I'll deal with the Stars Hollow visits, if there are any. At least that way Luke and Lorelai won't need an explanation for a strange man and not me being there to deal with your book. And whenever I do see them and it comes up, I can tell them you've agreed to let Greg share the responsibility fifty-fifty. That also gives me a reason to be –to be in the loop of what's going on with the pregnancy; as your publisher and editor, I'm on a need-to-know basis when it comes to your prenatal health because it affects our work."

"Wow, you've thought of everything. I'm impressed," Rory said quietly.

"Not everything…" Jess answered cryptically, more to himself than to her. "Look, it's late. I'm tired of fighting. I need to –I need some space. We should go to sleep. And tomorrow, you should go home."

"But you asked me to stay until Sunday…"

"I did –and then you laid this on me. Besides, I'm not even your editor anymore. I'll tell Greg tomorrow that the assignment is his –he'll call you on Sunday to iron out a plan."

"I thought you were going to try and dump me first?"

"I am, but I know these guys –I can't make my case without telling them things that are none of their business. It won't work. You'll win, Rory. You'll still get your God damn book."

"Jess, I –"

"Rory, please," Jess said tersely, clenching his jaw. "I can't do this anymore today. I can't listen to you make excuses and apologize and I can't deal with you looking at me with Bambi eyes. What you did to me was wrong –putting me in this position and then just dumping this news on me was wrong and you know it. I can't listen to you apologize because underneath it, I can tell you still don't quite understand how badly you fucked up. So I need you to stop. I. Can't. Do. This. Anymore."

"Okay," Rory whispered, holding back her tears.

"Will you be okay to sleep on the couch or do you need –do you need my bed?"

"I was good to sleep on the couch before you knew I was pregnant. I'm still good here, Jess. Thank you."

"Fine," he sighed, going to the front closet and grabbing a few extra blankets and pillows. "Here." He handed them to her without even looking at her, turning on his heel and heading towards his bedroom, whacking the light switch angrily on the way by.

"Jess?" Rory whispered sadly into the darkness.

Jess stopped in his bedroom doorway, keeping his back turned on Rory. His silhouette casted a harsh outline in the shadows. "What?"

"I'm sorry. I really am sorry, Jess. I know I was wrong. I am wrong. And I'm so sorry," she cried.

"It's a start," he whispered flatly. "Do better, Rory. Be better. That kid deserves better than who you are and what you're doing right now. I know you're dealing with a lot –but you have to start _dealing_. You can't run away from this, unless you don't plan to keep the kid. Is that your plan?"

"No! Of course not!"

"Then get yourself together. Figure out your shit. Do better. Be better, Rory."

Jess woke early the next morning from a fitful and unrestful slumber. When he stumbled out into his tiny living room, it was just past eight thirty. Rory was gone. The blankets were folded neatly on the couch with the pillows topping off the stack. Jess saw a tiny scrap of paper:

_You're right. Once again, you were much nicer than I deserve. I'm not sure how, but I will figure out how to be better. I'll figure my shit out. Thank Greg in advance for me. Thank you for –well, just –yeah. Talk soon._

_-Rory  
_

* * *

Rory had just driven out of Brooklyn city limits when she pulled her car over in the parking lot of a small diner. As she pulled out her cell phone, her hand shook uncontrollably. She needed to do this before she lost her nerve. It took her three tries just to find Logan's number in her contacts and connect the call.

Logan picked up on the second ring. "Ace?" he said in surprise, a smile creeping into his voice. "This is a surprise. I never thought I was gonna hear from you again after New Hampshire. How are you doing? Talk to me."

"Is now a bad time?" Rory asked shakily.

"No. Now's actually a perfect time. Mitchum's at a meeting with partners in Liverpool and I'm alone in my office. What's going on?"

"I have to tell you something and it's –it's more complicated than it sounds, which is quite the feat because it's already pretty complicated –"

"Rory, just take a deep breath and say it, okay? I can't have you hyperventilating, Ace –I'm too far away to provide you with a paper bag," Logan laughed. He'd missed her voice; he'd missed her rambling.

"I –I'm," she took a deep breath and tears cascaded down her cheeks.

"Rory, what's the matter? Come on. You think you can't talk to me because of what you said in New Hampshire? Is that it? It's forgotten. I promise. Come on, just tell me –"

"I'm pregnant, Logan."

Logan felt the air escape his lungs. He snapped out of his haze for long enough to get up from his desk and shut the door to his office and throw the lock. Sitting back down, he concentrated on breathing –in and out, in and out. "Pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"How far along?"

"Three months, give or take."

Logan did some quick mental math. "That means –"

"Yeah."

"Wow. Um, okay. Sorry, you'll just need to give me a sec here, I –"

"Logan," Rory said, sharp enough to cut him off. "There's –there's something else."

"Something else? What something else?"

"Please, don't say anything until I finish explaining –this is going to be hard enough."

"Rory, what are you –?"

"Logan, please. Just promise me. I need to get this out and I need you to not say anything until I do –I just need you to listen."

"Okay. I promise. I'm all ears. Talk to me," he said with a sigh.

"The day before you came to Stars Hollow with Robert and Colin and Finn, I had a bit of a meltdown and someone was there to comfort me and we –"

"Permission to ask a question…"

Rory stayed silent.

Logan took this as tacit approval of his request. "Who, Rory?" he asked quietly, barely above a whisper. "Who was it? Do I –have I met him?"

"Yes. A long time ago."

"So it's not that boyfriend of yours –Peter?"

"His name is Paul," Rory sighed. "And no."

"Then who? Who is he?"

"Jess."

"The –that guy who wrote a book years ago? The one you used to date? I thought his name was John, or Jack?"

"No –his name has always been Jess, Logan. And yeah. Him."

"You haven't mentioned him in years…"

"I hadn't seen him in years –until…" Rory trailed off.

"Well," Logan said, taking a deep breath. "This should be illuminating. Please, continue. I promise, you have my _full_ attention."

* * *

_"I don't know what this is, Rory," he whispered against her skin, his words vibrating through her, "and you don't either, and that's fine. But it's not nothing. Tell me you understand that and I'll give you exactly what you want. No elephant in the room, no weirdness –ever. I promise you. I can do that for you, if you can do the same. But I need to know you understand that this?" Jess' tongue darted out and licked a line up to her belly button. "This is not nothing."_

The weight of sleeping with Rory –which Jess could justify balancing and carrying for the both of them- and the weight of the unintended consequence of that choice were two very different things. Jess didn't regret their time together and he didn't regret his choice to allow it to happen, but the added weight of impending fatherhood threatened to cause his strong shoulders to buckle. He'd done so well, allowing that day to exist in a bubble –and then she shows up and pops it. Jess had no idea how he was going to pick up the pieces –how he was going to suspend _this_ in a bubble.

The next six months –the not knowing would drive him insane. But then what? What if Jess was the baby's father? What if he wasn't the baby's father? He didn't even know which outcome he actually wanted. Had he meant what he said –would he really refuse to step up if it was Logan's kid and Logan was conveniently not interested in being a father? Could he really ignore the child of this woman he was destined –it seemed- to be entangled with for the rest of his earthly days, just because the kid turned out not to be his?

It didn't matter what happened to Jess and Rory's relationship on the surface –he was _in this_ , whether he wanted to be or not. He knew years ago that Rory would always be part of him, and this pregnancy seemed like the metaphorical branding iron sealing that fate, no matter whose child she was carrying. She may never be the center of his world again, as she once was, but she'd always be part of it –and now it wasn't just her who'd be spinning on his axis, even just in the periphery, but her child too –maybe Logan's child.

He'd gotten what he needed from Rory in that moment –he got her to acknowledge what he knew the instant he pressed his lips to her forehead the first time –it wasn't nothing. It was something. If only Jess could've known then what that really meant –if only he'd known just how massive the 'not nothing' would be.

Jess pulled out his phone and dialed a number. He plastered a fake smile on his face when the call connected, to do his best at coming across as –well, normal at the very least, if not joyful, as opposed to confused, angry, used and crushed. "Hey, just the person I wanted to talk to. Yeah, it's me… Oh shit, I woke you. I'm sorry. I didn't really sleep last night and I couldn't stay in bed anymore, I guess I didn't realize how early it was… Yeah, she was here –she left… No, no. Everything went fine –better than expected actually, that's why she took off early, so that she could spend the bulk of the weekend with her family. So listen, I gotta talk to you… There needs to be a change in the plan I told you about… No, I don't think you should be nervous… I think agreeing to take point on editing the manuscript of a memoir by someone I have a long, personal and sordid history with might've been me biting off more than I can chew –that's what I want to talk to you about, but hear me out before you react okay?... Good, so here's what's going on…"

While he was on the phone, Jess got a text message from Rory. _Sorry for taking off so early. Figured it was best to leave before you woke up._

Jess laughed bitterly. _Yeah, I know how that is. I actually read your note; it's all good –it's not like I was worried you stole my silverware._

_Right. Well, I… I just wanted you to know that I called Logan. He knows. He knows about… you, too. He won't tell anyone about the… confusion. He'll go along with everyone's assumption that it couldn't be anyone else's but his._

_Wow. That was fast. And a surprisingly civil way for him to respond._

_Yeah well, you weren't privy to his less than civil comments –of which there were no shortage. You were right, Jess –keeping it from him would've been a mistake._

_Yeah. If only I could gloat._

_I'm so sorry, Jess._

Jess took ten minutes to answer her. _Yeah, you said that already. I have things to do, Rory. A weekend is a loose term for someone who owns a business. Drive safe. Tell Luke and your mom we were super-efficient, we stayed up most of last night watching movies and after a few hours of sleep you hit the road. Call me if you need, but otherwise I'll talk to you when I talk to you –which shouldn't be too long considering –that- and my company's still in charge of your book._

He shut his phone off and tossed it on the coffee table, sinking down into the couch and burying his face and head in his hands. He was sitting in exactly the same spot he'd been in the night before when Rory told him she was pregnant and his whole world fell out from under him; when everything he thought he knew turned out to be something else. "How the fuck did this become my life," Jess whispered to himself angrily, taking one of the pillows he'd given to Rory off the neat stack she'd made and whipping it across the room.


	8. Chapter 8

Later that day, Jess went into Truncheon's Brooklyn office, still in a daze. "Hey, Greggers," he called out. "I gotta talk to you."

Greg looked up from the stack of books he was organizing. "Sure, what's up?"

"Rory's book –you're running point."

"What? No, that's not –number one, I've never handled anything that big here and number two, Rory specifically asked _you_! That was the whole point!"

"Yeah, and when I talked to all you guys earlier this morning and expressed my reservations –"

"Reservations that came out of _nowhere_ –"

"Nonetheless, you guys didn't bite. My reservations still stand –"

"We're not dropping her because you're suddenly iffy about working with an ex."

"Exactly. So, with that in mind –we need to shuffle the deck a bit. I need to take a step back on this one. Point man is now you, Greggers. It's technically a fifty-fifty split –I'm your number two. But you're number one now, pretty boy. This is your shot. Take it. Make us proud," Jess smirked.

Greg blinked hard and shook his head. "You're sure?"

"Positive."

"But Rory –"

"Is on board."

"Why?"

"Because I'm too close to this, that's why. She agreed. We talked it through and _we_ decided I was too close to it. I can't be the referee of a game that I have skin in. She asked who my next best pick was. I said you."

"But Matt and Chris –"

"Are in Philly. She needs to stay with the Brooklyn house."

"So, I'm not so much your next best pick as much as I'm the only other option."

"Luckily you're both a handy choice and the one I would make regardless. You've been with us a year and a half, Greggers. You've earned your stripes. It's time for you to take the lead on one. Matt and Chris agree, Bry too."

"But this isn't any old assignment," Greg pointed out, tugging nervously at his blond beard.

"You're right," Jess nodded, "It's not. But that's why I'll be one step behind you the whole time. I'll help you –right the ship if you need. But I think you'll find you won't need me as much as you think you will."

"Okay, but –why does she need to stay with the Brooklyn house? I mean, I know Philly is far, but Matt and Chris can easily work with her over email and teleconference. She wouldn't need to actually be in Philly that much –hardly more than she'll already need to be when she's promoting the thing…"

"Stop trying to weasel out of your shot, pretty boy –or I'll start doubting my confidence in you."

"I'm not trying to weasel out of anything, Jess," Greg assured him. "But why is it so crucial she's based here? It's a reasonable question given your sudden reservations and the rest of the management being in Philly. One would assume Matt or Chris would take over when we have so much riding on it."

"Well, you know what they say about people who assume…. it makes an ass out of –oh God, that saying is so terrible. Why is that a thing? Ugh, I can't believe I almost –maybe I should go wash my mouth out with soap."

"Jess. Stop dodging the question. It isn't meant to be a stumper. You must know the answer."

Jess let out a massive sigh. "Rory's pregnant, Greggers. We need to minimize her travel. She's gotta stay here; it's closer to home."

"Wow. That's –when did she tell you?"

"Last night."

"Congratulate her for me –for all of us! She must be so excited!"

"Yeah, she's…. thrilled," Jess rolled his eyes.

"I know you guys dated like, forever ago. But, is it weird for you?" Greg asked carefully

"You don't know the half of it, pretty boy. Anyway, she's expecting your call tomorrow so, get in the game, dude. This one's yours –I'm just your second."

* * *

"Have you told the father?" Dr. Stevenson asked Rory pleasantly at her checkup in early February. "He must be excited."

Rory was at this appointment alone. Lorelai was tied up at the Dragonfly. The news that Rory was pregnant came as quite the shock to Stars Hollow –of course they wanted all the details and got none, which just made things tense and weird.

Lane put her questions on the backburner and stepped into Best Friend Mode –especially since Lane had experienced this, Rory was glad to have her support without the third degree, though she knew it'd be coming eventually. Paris was too intense and Rory was actively avoiding her, but Lane –Lane was her port in the storm. She was supposed to be with Rory today, but the twins had come down with the flu.

"Miss Gilmore, did you hear me?"

"What?" Rory said, distracted. "Oh, yeah –I um, I talked to both of them –him. I talked to him. I think we're still –processing," she stammered. Realizing the slip she'd made in her speech, she turned beet red.

"Hm. Was this pregnancy unexpected?" Dr. Stevenson asked gently.

"You could say that," Rory admitted quietly.

"I take it you plan to –keep the baby though? If you'd like to discuss options, we're running short on time…"

"No. No. I don't want to talk about –those options."

"Okay. If there is confusion regarding paternity –you're too far along now to do what's called chorionic villus sampling or CVS, but you can still get an answer before the baby's born."

Rory couldn't even process that idea. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew it might be wise to find out now –to put an end to the precarious triangle she'd created between herself, Jess and Logan. But that meant she would have to process the consequences of either getting pregnant by an engaged man, or getting pregnant by her ex, her friend, whom she'd _begged_ to comfort her. She wasn't sure she was ready to deal with the psychological ramifications of knowing the father's identity. That was a portion of responsibility she was not yet ready to claim, process, or work through. Even the idea of processing it six to eight weeks from now, or knowing that the information was just sitting in an envelope somewhere –the idea of it paralyzed her. "But how?" she asked after a long silence. "If I've missed the window for that sampling thing, how would you –?"

"An amniocentesis."

"Is that the thing with the giant needle?"

"Yes, it is. But it's a very common procedure. The risks to you and baby are minimal."

"Do I need it?"

"No. Typically it's recommended that women over thirty-five have an amniocentesis because they're at an increased risk for complications due to advanced maternal age. But you're only thirty-two. You're in good health. Do the men have any medical conditions in their family history that you're aware of?"

"Not that I know of, no."

"The likelihood of an amnio uncovering an extremely rare and well-hidden complication in otherwise healthy, young individuals is very uncommon, Miss Gilmore."

"Is it bad for the baby –if I don't?"

"It's not likely. Knowing the paternity makes no ostensive difference to how you look after your body and care for the baby during your pregnancy. You're taking care of yourself physically –you're doing everything you can to protect the life inside of you. But, it might bring you piece of mind. The test wouldn't come back for six to eight weeks."

"No, that's mind that I'm not ready for a piece of yet. It's still my choice, right?"

"Yes, it is. There's no harm in waiting until the baby's born –unless you think the potential fathers will have a problem with your decision –it may cause tension."

"No," Rory shook her head. "They won't push it, I don't think. I just can't –deal with that yet. Sorry."

"No need to apologize to me," Dr. Stevenson smiled pleasantly.

"My mom doesn't know that there's –you can't tell her about the paternity –"

"Doctor patient confidentiality, Miss Gilmore. Though you may want to provide their names to me, so I can put them in your sealed file. If ever –God forbid- you face a complication and find yourself in the hospital, you may want one or both of them to be able to be with you without having to jump over red tape."

"Okay," Rory nodded nervously. "I think that'd be okay."

* * *

" _The_ _Stamford Eagle Gazette_? Logan, that paper's been all but running itself for years now; why on earth would you want to go back there? You never even worked there –you wouldn't even be going back to anything," Mitchum said, shaking his head.

"Because I miss being stateside," Logan said.

"That's a fairly unexpected statement. You've been happy as a pig in mud here in London for years now."

"I know, but I need a change."

"Honestly, I have no idea where this is coming from. Truthfully, I've been thinking about letting the _Gazette_ fold…."

"Well don't! Let me go there, take a few months, see what's going on and report back before you make any decisions."

"A few _months_? Good God, Logan, what are you running away from here?"

"Nothing."

"Problems with Odette?"

"Odette's… fine."

Mitchum looked at his son long and hard. For the life of him he couldn't figure out why Logan would suddenly be yearning for Connecticut.

"Stop," Logan sighed, running a hand through his blond hair and narrowing his brown eyes at his father.

"Stop what?" Mitchum asked.

"Stop looking at me like I'm a riddle you have to figure out, or like I'm twenty years old and I've fucked up and all you have to do is figure out how before you can nail my ass to the wall."

"Well, if the shoe fits –"

"I said stop! Jesus, you know –if you can't justify sending me back to the States to check on Huntzberger's American holdings, that's fine, but don't go throwing all that in my face. That is _not_ fair. I haven't been that guy in a long time, you know that."

"What does Odette have to say about this latest brilliant idea of yours?"

"I really have no idea. I haven't run it by her –isn't really much point if Daddy dearest won't let me go," Logan shrugged with a sneer.

Mitchum still couldn't figure it out. "I'll think about it," he sighed. "I'll let you know in a few weeks –maybe more, depending on how generous I'm feeling."

"Just make sure you let me know before the flowers start blooming for spring."

"I will."

"Thank you," Logan said evenly. He turned to leave his father's office, trying to find the upside to Mitchum's reluctance. The longer it took him to come to a decision –provided that decision was a yes- the more likely it was that Logan could be close by for the latter part of Rory's pregnancy –possibly even the birth.

"Logan," Mitchum called out.

"Yeah," Logan turned around.

"If I let you go and I find out you've offered that lovely ex-girlfriend of yours a job, I'll have you on the first plane back here. You understand? It isn't on you that she hasn't done a damn thing with herself since that Naomi Shropshire talk piece from over a year ago. I see anything resembling the name Gilmore _anywhere_ on a payroll, I'm bringing you back here and I'm chaining you to the London Eye for the rest of my natural life."


	9. Chapter 9

Rory was uncharacteristically detached from herself and from her pregnancy, there was no denying that. Everyone could see it, though there were a precious few who had even minimal insight into why. Her decision to forego having an answer to the question of paternity would have raised eyebrows with Lorelai, had she been there –but then again, Lorelai was unaware of key details.

The shell-shocked detachment that Rory was feeling also extended to Jess and Logan, who were both still reeling from Rory's news weeks later. They weren't distant and detached so much as they were still trying to process everything and they couldn't make sense of whether they wanted to feel _attached_ to something.

Neither of them knew yet what would be the more desirable outcome –being the father, or not being the father. Even though they were not consulted when Rory made the decision not to get the amniocentesis, their mindset mirrored hers in the sense that –yes, the answer was attainable and logically, better to know sooner than later, but they weren't ready to know yet.

* * *

Logan went through his days on autopilot, secluded and isolated from potentially life-changing events happening on another continent. In some ways, he wasn't entirely surprised that this happened given how long he and Rory continued their affair, but on the other, it still seemed to come out of nowhere.

He still loved Rory very much, and was very much _in love_ with her; he knew that deceiving Odette was wrong, but the feelings he had for Rory couldn't be denied. Did he want a baby with her, now –this way? What on earth was he going to do? Could he leave Odette, abandon life in London and be with Rory? Could Rory leave the States and be with him –could they find a way to be a family? A part of him wanted that more than anything, but he knew it wouldn't be so simple. He loved Odette on some level too –he'd made a promise to her that now seemed to be shot to hell, but he still couldn't get to the place where leaving her would be easy.

Then there was Mitchum –the Huntzberger name, the Huntzberger brand- the thought of how an unexpected child would throw his father and the family name into a tailspin sent a shiver down his spine.

How might he feel if Jess was the father –disappointed? Sad? Or relieved –like he dodged a bullet and this was the universe's sign to him that he had to finally let Rory go? He had no idea. He didn't have the answer now, and he certainly couldn't have an answer in mere weeks –no, he had a feeling this realization would be a slow burn. He wouldn't know until he _knew_ , and that wouldn't happen one minute before it was meant to.

* * *

Jess was going through a similar, yet altogether different thought process. His heart hadn't skipped a beat or carried a torch for Rory in years. He'd successfully moved on and they'd managed to find calm, neutral and friendly ground. Jess still loved Rory very much and he knew that was reciprocated, but he hadn't felt anything romantic towards her in almost eleven years. The two of them would always have each other, hold a piece of each other and be able to count on one another and they both felt a supreme sense of comfort and security in knowing this. Jess loved Rory –but he wasn't _in love_ with her.

Jess wasn't in love with her, but the problem was he very easily _could be_. Finding that friendly love and unending connection was a fine balancing act. Their relationship when they were teenagers and in their early twenties was _so_ tumultuous –so full of extreme highs and lows. Jess was a scared kid who'd gotten used to being the resident screw up –his feelings for Rory were always frighteningly real, but he never knew how to show them, how to communicate what he was feeling in the right way, when he needed to.

Rory was ready to jump in with both feet when they were eighteen, despite the bumps in the road –but Jess wasn't.

He came back a year later and told her he loved her; he tried to convince her he was ready, that he could be what she needed but she said no –if Rory had said yes, Jess would've had to prove to both her and himself that his promises weren't empty.

Back in 2006, he was glad to be able to come through for her when she needed him most. Jess was relieved that he was able to reach her when no one else seemed able to. Beyond coming to the conclusion that Logan was a giant prick who may have had a drinking problem, all Jess saw was that he seemed to have a bad influence on Rory. He had no idea how Logan was entangled in Rory's issues at the time, but what he did see was a rich kid in a Porsche who thought he walked on water and had to have known that his girlfriend was lost, but did nothing to help her find her way back to herself. Rory's scapegoating and desperate apologies for Logan's behaviour –trying to prove that her boyfriend was not the drunken ass he appeared to be- only proved Jess' suspicions that Logan was a convenient excuse for her not to face her problems.

When Rory came to Truncheon a few months later, Jess was relieved to see the Rory he knew and loved –back on track. Jess knew exactly what he was doing when he kissed her; he knew what he was getting into. He finally _was_ the man he never thought he'd be; the man he promised he was two years before but in fact wasn't –Jess was grown up, happy, stable and ready to love Rory the way he'd always wanted to. But then she told him she was still in love with Logan –apparently after he cheated on her- she mumbled apologies and left.

Jess never made another advance after that; he allowed himself to grow used to that nagging feeling in his gut that when it came to Rory Gilmore, maybe the timing would simply never be right.

And then, this past September happened. Rory needed someone and Jess was there. She was feeling lost, weak and sad. In that moment, Jess saw the tears of a woman he'd almost never done right by. In this moment at least, they could be exactly what one another needed –and for a fleeting second in time, they could acknowledge everything they were to each other and everything they had the potential to be, if the stars ever aligned. Jess extended an olive branch and Rory didn't take it. He was willing to –and he had indeed accepted that September morning as the bittersweet closure he'd always wanted.

Except it turned out not to be closure at all. Closure may arrive come spring, or the exact opposite –actual living proof that Jess' journey with Rory would never be simple or calm and that closure may not be what their relationship would ever be meant to have.

For the life of him, Jess didn't know which outcome to hope for and if someone made him answer right now, or in six to eight weeks even, he had no idea what that answer would be. He'd never given much thought at all to being a father –much less to becoming a father in this way.

* * *

One day at the end of February, Jess' cellphone rang just as he was leaving for work in the morning. His call display lit up with YALE YUPPIE, the contact name he'd assigned to Logan when Rory awkwardly provided him with the number about a month before. "Curiouser and curiouser…" he muttered to himself. After taking a few deep breaths, he picked up on the fourth ring. "Hello?" he said slowly.

"And here I thought you were gonna leave me hanging," Logan said, trying to sound casual.

"The thought crossed my mind. Not to be blunt –although I'm in no mood to have you misconstrue my meaning as one that involves actual concern- but, why the hell are you calling me? I thought it was supposed to be the other way around –not that I mind you picking up the tab for a cross continental cellphone chat…"

"Jess…"

"So you _do_ know my name! Wow, that's such a relief Regina George! I've always wanted to be friends with a mean girl!"

"To be fair, at first I thought your name was Jack, then John. Points for the _Mean Girls_ reference –what's your excuse for knowing that one?"

"I have been friends with a few females since 2004; sometimes, I learn things I'd rather not know and unfortunately a few of those things stick. What do you want, Logan?"

"How is she?"

"Fine. Can't you ask her that yourself?" Jess sighed.

"I have," Logan answered. "She doesn't say much."

"And you thought I'd be more forthcoming? You're thicker than I thought. What do you _actually_ want?"

"I just…. how are you doing with this?"

"Oh Jesus. You're kidding me, right?"

"No, I'm not. I'm going stir crazy here. It mustn't be too convenient for you, that I've agreed to shoulder being the answer to this riddle and yet I'm not there to actually –you know, shoulder it or show my face in public."

"Hadn't thought about it," Jess shrugged.

"Bullshit. You guys had sex and you're content to just let that information sit under a rock somewhere now that Rory's pregnant? That kid might be yours and you can't talk to _anyone_ about it and you're telling me you're fine and dandy? I don't know you, Jess. I was a jerk the night we met, but I know you care about her. You'd talk to her if you could, I'm sure, but I'm willing to bet she's shutting you out just as much as she's shutting me out. If I'm not fine, neither are you," Logan said evenly.

Jess wanted to call bullshit on Logan's bullshit –but he couldn't. "What do you want?" he asked again.

"You and I are in a unique position Jess. If we can't talk to anyone –if we can't even talk to Rory, we may as well talk to each other."

"About what?"

"About how we feel about the possibility of being a dad out of the blue; about how we're worried about Rory and all of her un-Roryness and whether she'll be able to find some semblance of self before this baby shows up; about how we're living out the real-life version of _Bridget Jones' Baby_. Six months ago, we would've had nothing to talk about, now we have endless possibilities."

"Which one are you, Jack or Mark Darcy? If you're wondering how I know, I refer you to my earlier comment about having female friends. And really, you brought it up, so…"

"I have no idea who I'd be."

"You're Mark Darcy."

"Why do you say that?"

"He was married when he slept with Bridget –Rory tells me you're engaged, which is close enough for me."

"Jess, it's complicated."

"I'm so tired of hearing that –sorry Logan, forgive me for not giving a shit. Thanks for giving me my daily dose of bile so early. I've gotta go."

"She's barely talking to you either right?" Logan asked quietly. "She told me she came clean with you after you'd agreed to edit her book. That must be –"

"I'll thank you to shut your mouth," Jess seethed. "Now."

"I'd be mad too."

Jess sighed deeply. His response was quiet and reluctant. "I –I handed off to someone else here. I couldn't believe she'd… I don't want to talk about it. But, she's not herself."

"I know. Jess, listen," Logan said slowly, "I know this is less than ideal, but it's like I said before –we have no one else to talk to about this, so we may as well talk to each other, if we need to talk and just –hope Rory snaps out of it."

"She's pregnant, Logan –not lost in a deep meditative trance. She can't exactly 'snap out of it.'"

"You know what I mean. Look, we have to learn to live with each other until we know how this thing shakes out, so can we just agree to a stalemate? A tenuous peace deal between two reluctant allies?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Jess answered. "And yeah. I guess that'd be okay."

"Good."

"Hey, how does it end? I don't remember."

"How does what end?"

" _Bridget Jones' Baby_ … who's the dad?"

"We never actually find out," Logan realized. "There was a paternity test after the baby was born, but the audience never knows the result. I mean, Bridget marries Mark, but Jack and Mark become friends –at the wedding Jack's holding the baby. It could go either way. General theory is that it's Jack's kid, but Mark and Bridget raise it –but Jack stays involved, somehow."

"Never tell anyone we had this conversation," Jess said, rolling his eyes.

"I'd never. And just so you have some leverage –guess how many times I dialed your number before connecting the call?"

"How many?"

"Six."

Jess chuckled at the absurdity of it all. "How the fuck did this become our lives?"

"Mmm, we shouldn't have that conversation unless we're really desperate. Like, when the choices are having that conversation or going on a blackout inducing bender, _then_ we can have that conversation. Not before," Logan said with a tiny laugh.

"Agreed. Do you think she'll be herself again?" Jess asked in a whisper.

"I don't know. I think so –I hope so. But, for us this is one thing and for her it's something else entirely. We just gotta be patient, do our best to support her –and try to keep each other sane, strange as that'll be."

"Logan, you're engaged. If the kid is yours –what are you gonna do?"

"I don't know," Logan admitted honestly. "What about if it's yours? What're you gonna do?"

"I don't know either," Jess admitted in return.


	10. Chapter 10

"Ella's got her pick of the fellas," Jess laughed, picking up his phone.

"Yeah that's right beautiful man. I have a problem," Ella answered.

"Stairs?"

"Stairs."

"Greggers!" Jess yelled. "Our favourite lady is here and she's spinning her wheels. Let's go! Grab a quarter!"

"You guys eat your Wheaties this morning?" Ella asked as Greg and Jess sprinted down the stairs.

"You know we did, my dear," Greg smiled.

"I really should wring your gorgeous necks, it's 2017! Why the fuck aren't you wheelchair accessible yet?"

"But we are," Jess winked. "You love this part."

"You're right, I do. If you had a ramp, I'd still make you carry me. All right, Greg –flip it. Call it, rebel with a book."

"Heads."

Greg tossed the quarter high in the air, caught it and flipped it over on the back of his hand.

"Oh, sorry pretty boy," Jess chuckled as he saw how it landed. "You don't get the fun part today. I've got her, you've got her wheels." He swooped down, undoing Ella's seatbelt and kissing her on the cheek, scooping her up so fast she almost didn't manage to get her stiff right arm around Jess' shoulder before she was up and pressed tightly against him. "Jesus, I always forget how light you are. Are you sure you –you know, eat?"

"You've seen me eat, smartass," Ella smiled. "Are you really questioning my weight as you're carrying me up the stairs?"

"No, I –"

"Would you prefer if I were twenty-five pounds heavier?"

"No," he laughed.

"Watch it, dude," Greg laughed from behind them. "She'll hit you when we get inside."

"Um, What's going on here?" Jess heard a familiar voice ask from a few feet away.

"Oh, Rory," Greg said. "You're early! Wanna sneak ahead of the parade here and grab the door?"

"Way to think that one through," Ella sighed. "Hi," she said to Rory. "This really has the potential to be awkward, I guess, right? Jess, how many times have I told you, this is _not_ how I make a good impression. So, I'm Ella and that there behind me is my wheelchair. Einstiens here insist upon working in a place that is inhospitable to people with disabilities –"

"This is what you call inhospitable? You have men –plural- literally carrying you up the stairs and across a threshold. We could just leave you out there, you know," Jess scoffed. "Inhospitable my ass."

"I'd shake your hand, but I kinda have to hold on here."

"Oh, no…" Rory said. "That's okay. I just –here –let me get the door. Wha –um, what happened?"

"And you are…"

"Sorry. I'm Rory."

" _The_ Rory?" Ella whispered to Jess, eyes wide.

"Subtle," he laughed. "Yeah, she's the only Rory I know, so," Jess said, walking in the door and stopping, waiting for Greg to put the chair down.

"I'm Ella," she said when Jess sat her down, offering Rory her left hand. When Rory paused before taking it, Ella laughed. "Right one doesn't work so well, it's pretty much there for decoration. It's nice to meet you! I've heard so much about you."

"Oh boy," Rory sighed.

"Ah, it's like, ninety percent stellar, I swear," she smiled. "And nothing happened."

"What?"

"When you asked what happened –I'm assuming you meant to me? Nothing. I was premature and there was a lack of oxygen to my brain –so in essence, my brain and my body are in a lifelong committed relationship with _epic_ communication problems. So, I guess that's what happened –but like, nothing traumatizing happened to _me_. It's not so bad actually, being small and petit with a need to be carried," Ella winked. "I really don't know how women who don't _need_ to be swept off their feet by men ever manage."

Rory nodded mechanically, trying to make sense of the information that had just been given to her. "Sorry, I didn't mean…"

"Okay, you officially shocked her into silence, which is no small feat," Jess laughed. "Happy?"

"Thrilled."

"Rory, should we go –take a look at your drafts?" Greg asked.

"Yeah, sure," Rory nodded.

"I'll be –down here with Ella if you need anything," Jess said, his eyes falling to Rory's stomach, which was getting hard to hide. Jess watched them disappear up the stairs. When he heard Greg's office door close, he turned to Ella. "So, how's your column? Do you wanna order lunch?"

"Yes to lunch, but fuck my column, Mariano. What was _that_ all about?" Ella asked

"Can I plead the fifth?"

"No. I mean –skip the stuff I'm not supposed to know, cuz I can tell there's some of that –but no, not a chance in hell."

Ella was thirty-one years old. Five foot two and barely a hundred pounds, she'd used a wheelchair her entire life. Her disability was not something she cared to explain in dry, medical terms. Her brain had issues communicating with various parts of her body; the messages sent to her limbs, telling them what to do got scrambled somewhere between point A and point B –hence, lifelong communication issues. She was smart, funny, sharp and charming; her brown hair was cut into an asymmetrical bob, with hazel eyes twinkling from behind bold horn rim glasses.

She had a website, a blog and a column, _That's How I Roll_. She and Jess met in 2009 after Matt and Chris stumbled upon her column and asked her to contribute to the 'zine. Truncheon's expansion into Brooklyn was partially because of Ella's sleuthing, helping them secure contacts and figure out how to stay afloat before the doors of their Brooklyn house even opened. Her writing was unapologetic and relatable, offering a perspective on life rarely considered by those who didn't have to live it. Jess was immediately drawn to her no bullshit persona, the confidence she radiated unknowingly and disguised in a self-deprecating wit that left people speechless.

Ella was like Jess, in female form. So, when she told him he couldn't plead the fifth, he knew she meant business. "Look, El, I can't –it's a long story," he sighed.

"Okay," Ella smiled. "For those of you just tuning in, allow me to provide you with an abridged version –Jess, tell me how I do…"

Jess swallowed hard.

"That was _Rory Gilmore_ –the woman of legend. Someone whose existence, to the skeptics is about as likely as Big Foot or The Loch Ness Monster. She's here. And you were super awkward –why?"

"She's writing a book. We're publishing it."

"Ah. Okay. That makes perfect sense."

"She asked me to."

"Oh, she asked _you_ , did she? I know that. But then why is she upstairs with Greg and not you? And why were you such a spaz? That's my shtick."

"That's… complicated," Jess sighed, sneering internally at his use of that particular word, knowing Ella would react to it just the way he did.

"Mmmm complicated. I bet," Ella said sarcastically. "Uncomplicate it."

"I can't."

"Why? When I met you, you'd _just_ gotten to the point where you could talk about this woman without blowing steam out your ears. You'd _just_ started being friendly with her after what –three years?"

"Something like that."

"What is it about her? And don't tell me the part I already know, about how she believed in you when almost no one else did and you were happy to be able to return the favour, even if she got confused, let you kiss her and leave, ripping your heart out of your chest. I'm _glad_ she did whatever she did for you, and that she helped you become what you are, because she gave me my best friend. But it's not all on her, Jess. _You_ did the work. _You_ became a great man. Don't get me wrong, I'd march up there and hug her if I could. But the way you looked at her –I've heard you explain it, describe it –but I never thought I'd witness it. I saw you before you went to Stars Hollow in the fall –you were fine. Something happened."

"You terrify me."

"Why? Because I'm you –except with spastic limbs and a uterus? Because you can't lie to me? Or because I'm right without even knowing what happened?"

"Yes –to all of the above."

"You agreed to help her with her book! You were happy –you were excited. I was happy for you. This is gonna be huge for you guys! You gave her advice; she took it –you guys were gonna build this thing together! It was all good! I was so happy that not only could you guys be friends but you could be truly comfortable being those people –people whose history doesn't weigh them down anymore. I know you; very rarely do I worry that you are unable to balance the complexities of human existence on your beautiful, broad and sculpted shoulders…"

Jess chuckled under his breath.

"But that," Ella said slowly, meeting his smirk with concerned eyes. "That look you gave her said something else. What the hell happened between November and now?"

"Something."

"Jess, drop the cryptic. Is it because she's pregnant?"

"I never told you –"

"I'm a woman, I do know what it looks like. You didn't have to tell me anything. Oddly, as someone who doesn't walk, I have a very keen eye for the way people do what I can't do. She was leaning back, like she was compensating for a load she's not used to carrying. I saw her try not to cradle her belly. She's getting to the point where it's hard to hide."

Jess didn't know what he was supposed to tell this spitfire of a woman sitting across from him. For all the ways Jess became the person who gave Rory a dose of reality when she needed it the most, Ella did that for him –Ella was his sobering, non-judgmental, zero bullshit mirror. He could fool lots of other people, but not her.

Problem was, he didn't know what to tell her –he knew what he _wanted_ to tell her, that his shoulders were starting to buckle under the weight of that pesky problem of human complexity that she knew he was so good at carrying. But he couldn't. Partly because he didn't know if he could find the words and partly because he still didn't know if his whole 'we can keep it to ourselves until we know whose kid it is' thing could even stick. Until he knew exactly how to have that conversation with Ella, it was better for Jess to endure her intensity and keep his mouth shut.

He was just about to open his mouth, to say something to fill the void when he heard Rory scream from upstairs. Jess jumped up at the noise and ran to the bottom of the stairs. When he got there, Greg was already helping Rory down the stairs. "What happened?" he asked, meeting them part way to support Rory's other arm.

"I'm… there's blood, Jess," Rory cried.

"Blood?" Jess felt his face go pale. "That's not supposed to happen, right?"

"No. I mean it's not a lot –but I'm –I'm –"

"Rory," Jess said slowly, taking her face in his hands, "it'll be okay. We'll go to the hospital, get you checked out and everything will be fine. Come on, breathe. I'm right here."

Ella wheeled to the bottom of the stairs. "What hospital's closest? I'll call ahead, let them know you're coming. Greg, you should drive them –it'll be faster."

"The number's in my top desk drawer, El. Can you grab my cell too? It's in my bag by the chair there."

"But wait," Greg said. "If I drive them –Ella, how're you gonna –"

"I'm disabled, not helpless. I can hold down the fort here until you get back. Jess can stay with her and either call you or take a cab back with her. Besides, you may not have a ramp but at least you have a bathroom I can use. You're gonna be short staffed the rest of the day with Jess being out with Rory. I'll stick around here –help you out until you close."

"Greg, just drive my car," Jess said, handing him the keys. "Park it, take a cab back here and then Rory and I won't need you to come back to get us…. If we need you, we'll –but then you have your car here and you can drive Ella home tonight."

Ella wheeled quickly to where Jess' messenger bag was propped up against the wall and unceremoniously dug around until she found his cell. "You really should keep this in your pocket, you know," she offered with a dry wit, to briefly lighten the mood. "You know they make cell phones now that are specific shapes that fit easily in the palm of your hand or in your pocket? It's genius." Ella held her hand out, palm up, offering Jess the phone. When he took it, she saw genuine, raw concern in his eyes. When his hand covered hers she held it there. "It'll be fine," she whispered. "Just be there for her. And call me the second you know what's going on."

"I will. Thanks El," Jess said quietly, offering her a tiny smile.

"Ella, I'll be back as soon as I can," Greg promised her.

"Oh my God, I'm fine. When you're back it's all you and me and luckily for you, you will get to partake in the fun today. I know how much you love holding me close, Greggers," she winked.

"Just don't tell my wife," he answered with a playful grin.

"Are you kidding? She doesn't even bat an eye; she's not weirded out in the least –it's why I like her so much! I want to hear all about your newly minted newlywed status later." Ella turned to Rory. "Rory, I'm sure everything will be fine. It really was nice to meet you and I hope to see you again soon. Under better circumstances, of course. If there's anything I can do – _anything_ please let me know. Any friend of Jess' is a friend of mine and if I can help, I want to."

"Thank you Ella, that means a lot," Rory smiled timidly as Jess and Greg helped her down the steps.

"Jess!" Ella called out. "Take care of her," she said sincerely.

Jess smiled warmly and winked at Ella one last time before all three of them disappeared into Jess' car and Ella closed Truncheon's front door, all alone in a reasonably sizeable publishing house. The sudden silence and emptiness left in in the wake of such a flurry of frantic activity was overwhelming. "Oh Jess," she whispered to herself, unnerved by the look she saw in his eye as he rushed to help Rory, "what are you not telling me? I'm worried about you."

* * *

At the hospital, Rory was checked out and her bleeding was deemed to be of no cause for alarm. It was only light spotting, and even though it was a more common occurrence within the first trimester of pregnancy, Rory was fairly early in her second trimester in this first week of March; spotting could indeed happen throughout the entire pregnancy. The doctor assured her she did the right thing in coming in to get it looked at.

Both Jess and Rory breathed a heavy sigh of relief at the news.

"I was really scared, Jess," she whispered.

"Me too, Rory," he assured her, his voice shaking. He kissed her hand and smiled at her. "But you're fine. Listen, I should go call Lorelai and Luke –let Logan know too."

"Jess! Wait! Come here!" Rory said emotionally with an eager smile, reaching for his hand. Jess stepped closer and let her lay his palm on her belly; he looked at her quizzically. "Just wait…" she promised. After a few seconds, there it was. "There! Did you feel that?"

Jess looked at Rory and gazed back down at his hand as the lump quickly forming in his throat threatened to overwhelm him. "Was that –? Did the baby just… move? Kick?" he asked quietly.

Rory nodded with a tearful smile. "I started feeling it earlier this week."

Jess let out a tiny laugh, with an air of childlike wonder, his hand still against her belly. After a few more seconds, he offered her another warm smile. "I should make those calls now. Plus, Ella –she's worried. I promised I'd call her to let her know everything was okay."

"Ella seems great, Jess –really great."

"Yeah," he whispered affectionately. "She's my little spitfire."

"Are you two…"

"No. Just friends. But –believe me, I don't have a one that's better than her. She's –everything."

"Does she know about –?"

"She figured out you're pregnant Rory, all on her own –pretty much as soon as she introduced herself. I didn't tell her –she just knew," Jess assured her, almost defensively.

"Well, she _is_ a woman. I've talked to her for all of five minutes; she's sharp enough that if she hadn't figured it out I'd be disappointed," Rory laughed. "I meant –does she know it might be yours?"

"No –we agreed and that's not my place to –I don't know how I feel about that even being a possibility yet."

"Jess," Rory said, taking his hand. "Keeping it from Stars Hollow, Luke, my mom… that's a pretty fair plan of attack that minimizes fallout and keeps the unrelenting gossip mill at bay until we know for sure. But Ella –it sounds like she's –your best friend."

"She is," Jess said sincerely.

"You love her, and she loves you –the way best friends always do. You should tell her –I'm telling you, if you want to, you can, okay? I can't expect you to carry this burden all by yourself, that's not fair."

"But whatever do you mean? I have Logan," Jess quipped.

"That's not what I mean. She's your support system. You told me about the Truncheon guys and that to trust you was to trust all of them. So I'm saying I trust you –and to trust you is to trust her, right? –is she gonna go telling everyone?"

"Of course not. She wouldn't tell a soul."

"You need someone to trust, Jess. You need to be able to talk to someone. Not just Logan –someone who you love and trust. I've already messed so many things up… I can't allow your life to become irreparably screwed up because of me," Rory smiled.

"Okay. But you should take your own advice, Rory. Lane wouldn't say anything. You shouldn't keep this totally bottled up either," Jess whispered, smiling. "I should go make those calls now. You rest a minute, I'll be back."

"Yeah, I guess. Jess," Rory said quietly with tears in her eyes and a loving grin dancing across her lips "my baby's moving. I can feel my baby moving inside me. It's amazing."

Jess smiled softly, feeling his chin quiver at the faintest sign of Rory slowly finding her way out of the haze she'd been stuck in. It'd still be a while, he knew. But the Rory he'd always known, the Rory he knew would be a loving mother was finally starting to emerge. All he could hope for now was that she wouldn't fall back into the darkness –but instead, keep fighting to find and climb out into the light.

* * *

"What do you mean, she was bleeding?" Logan asked anxiously.

"She was bleeding," Jess repeated evenly. "I don't know, Logan –I'm not a doctor. They said some spotting is normal, usually within the first twelve weeks."

"But she's not –she's in her second trimester."

"I know. But they checked her out –she's fine. They're keeping her here for a few hours for observation. When they release her, I'm driving her back to Stars Hollow. By the time Lorelai gets here, she'd be released. I told her I'd stay… bring her home."

"How's she doing?"

"Rory?"

"Yeah."

"She was pretty scared. I think she still is –but she's okay."

"How are you?"

"See above, re: pretty scared, but okay."

Logan sighed. "I can't stay here. I have to be there. This is bullshit!"

"But you live there –your work, you can't just –"

"I can. The Huntzberger name reaches far and wide. I'm working on it."

"How fantastic for you," Jess said flatly.

"Hey, if I'm there I can help. This wouldn't be all on you. Me being there would be a _good_ thing," Logan replied. "Unlikely allies, remember?"

"Right. Sorry."

"Jess –thank you. For being there. This is gonna sound weird, but –I'm glad you –you being there makes me feel better. I know you're looking out for her. Thank you. This is an impossible situation and you're in the thick of it, and no one else even knows what's really happening. Thank you."

"Gee, can I get that in writing? And recorded on tape?" Jess asked sarcastically. "With your official signature to authenticate it?"

"Jess…"

"I know. You're welcome. Hey, there's something else –"

"What is it?" Logan asked nervously.

"It's good, I promise. The baby is –it's kicking. I felt it. Rory said she started feeling it a few days ago. She was so –happy, amazed."

"The baby's kicking?" he asked quietly, smiling to himself.

"The baby's kicking," Jess confirmed, with a smirk of his own.

"And Rory's –"

"She is. I think –I hope this means she's starting to connect. I think maybe this is the start of her finally –I don't know. I hope this is the first of many good things –good changes, I mean."

"Me too. All right, listen I gotta go. Will you call me –let me know when she's home? Tell her to call me tomorrow, when she's had some rest and some Lorelai time."

"Will do," Jess assured him.

"Thank you," Logan said sincerely.

* * *

By the time Jess made it back to Brooklyn, it was almost nine. He was exhausted. The day seemed to have started a million years ago. Even though he was physically and emotionally spent, he didn't go straight home. Bypassing his own apartment building, he drove to Ella's. He sent her a text before he got out of the car. _Is this a bad time? Is your attendant there?_

Ella replied immediately. _No, she's gone. Why?_

Jess buzzed her apartment and Ella let him in without a word. When he knocked on her door two minutes later, he was fidgety and out of breath.

"Jess?" Ella said as she opened the door, letting go and turning her back to wheel inside when she felt him push it open further to walk in. "What the hell? I told you to call me! I've been worried all day –" she stopped short when she spun around and saw his face. "What happened? Is Rory –?"

"She's fine. I drove her home to Stars Hollow after –she's fine."

"Well then what's with the face? Why do you look so –what's going on?"

"I have to –I –remember how you asked me to uncomplicate all this earlier?" Jess asked wearily. "I said I couldn't –but I can. I need to talk to you. I can uncomplicate it for you –or, tell you what's really going on –there's no way to actually uncomplicate this…" he rambled nervously.

"Slow down," Ella said softly. "And _sit_ down."

"Where are you going?"

"Something tells me this conversation needs to be accompanied by alcohol. Red or white?"

"Doesn't matter."

Ella stood up on the footplate of her chair and took two wine glasses down out of the cupboard. She sat back down and situated them carefully between her knees, grabbing a bottle of red wine and tucking it securely in the side of her seat cushion against her thigh and wheeled slowly back over to Jess.

"I could've helped you with that, you know," Jess chuckled.

"Nah, it's not my first rodeo. You can pour though –oh ye of steady hand," Ella smiled.

Jess laughed and took the bottle of wine from her as she set the glasses on the coffee table. He poured them both, almost totally full.

"Wow. This is gonna be one of _those_ conversations, huh? Cheers. What the hell is going on with you?"

"I –you can't tell anyone…"

"Jess –what are we, twelve? I am a fortress –a safe for your deepest, darkest and naughtiest secrets. You know that."

"I'm serious, Ella," he said softly.

"So am I," she whispered.

Jess sighed deeply and stared into his wine glass. He couldn't bring himself to look at her when he said the words. "Rory's pregnant."

"I know."

"And the baby –the baby –it might be mine."

Ella gasped quietly and felt her eyes sting with tears. She bit them back and put her wine glass down, reaching to lay her hand on Jess' arm –she shook, partially from tight spastic muscles and partly out of nerves and concern for her friend. "Who else knows?" she asked gently.

"Me. Rory. The other guy. And now you," Jess answered without looking up.

"Jess, I don't care what you say, how much you say or what you do or don't tell me right now –just –just talk to me. Tell me what happened."

"It's a long story."

"Well, luckily for you, I can't exactly run away."

Jess met Ella's eyes for the first time. He looked tormented, tired, confused and even a little broken. He tried to smile at her pun, but he couldn't. "Everything's so fucked up," he sighed.

"Hey, just start somewhere, okay?" Ella said softly. "Doesn't matter where. I've got all night and this bottle of wine needs to be finished, now that we've opened it."


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! (literally)

After Rory's scare, Logan got irate with his father. "I don't care if you don't like it, I'm going!" he yelled the following morning. "Let me go to the _Stanford Eagle_ or don't, it makes no difference!"

"Logan please," Mitchum sighed. "If you keep yelling, people will start to stare. We're in a professional setting, and you're thirty-four years old; there's no need to throw a tantrum."

"I'm not asking anymore, _Mitchum_. I'm going, whether you can find a business loophole for it or not. I'm tired of this place. I need to get out of here."

"And go back to Connecticut…"

"Yes."

"It's a tad early to be having a midlife crisis, isn't it, son?"

Logan narrowed his eyes.

"Fine," Mitchum said finally. "You can go. I want a detailed report on the _Stanford Eagle_ 's operation. Subscription numbers, circulation estimates and projections, operating budgets, employee rosters –with a full list of individual responsibilities- and then I want you to sit down with it all and make a call; I want your recommendation on whether it's a venture worth continuing, or whether it should fold. If it needs tweaking but can stay afloat, you fix it while you're there. If it folds, you close up shop before coming back here."

"Yes sir," Logan nodded, trying not to smile.

"It's the beginning of March. This shouldn't take any more than four months to sort out –by the time you try to rescue a sinking ship before you abandon it. You're to be back here and resuming your duties by mid-July at the _absolute_ latest –and you're not exempt from having to make occasional trips back here between now and then."

"Fine."

"What are you going to tell Odette? She won't be too happy…"

"Probably not, but this way she has a golden opportunity to plan our entire wedding without me. She'll adjust quick, I bet."

"You guys set a date yet?" Mitchum asked. "Your mother's getting antsy."

"No, not yet," Logan answered wearily.

* * *

"Ugh, that wine was a bad decision," Jess moaned the next morning as he awoke on Ella's couch feeling nauseous. "We drank _all of it._ Why did we do that again?"

"Because your life is a hot mess," Ella smiled, looking over her shoulder at him from the kitchen.

"Stop yelling."

"This is my normal volume, book rebel. Here," she wheeled over to the couch with a glass between her knees. "Drink this."

"What is it?" he asked, reaching to take it without bothering to look.

"Orange juice."

"No thanks."

"Do it. The vitamin C will accelerate your body's metabolism of the alcohol. You'll feel better."

"How do you know such a random thing?"

"I've had a few nights of drunken debauchery in my time," Ella winked.

"Without me?" Jess asked with a pout, "I'm hurt." He let out a massive sigh and swallowed a mouthful of juice before leaning back on the pillows. "What am I gonna do?"

Ella took a deep breath. "I'm the wrong person to ask. I'm not exactly a sage fountain of knowledge when it comes to stable family dynamics. I don't know Rory at all, but I have a sneaking suspicion she's a better woman than my mom was –and she'll be a better mom, too. She doesn't seem like the type of woman to be suddenly overwhelmed by her child and decide to abandon it a couple years into the motherhood game."

Jess looked up and focused his eyes. "You told me your mom left after a nasty divorce. She wasn't abandoning you. You can't blame yourself, El."

"I'm not blaming myself Jess. But she did leave because of me."

"What are you talking about?"

" _She_ blamed _herself_ for the fact that I was born prematurely –she thought my disability was her fault. When I was young –all those doctors and specialists we saw –all the procedures they were advocating –she couldn't take it. She left a note for my dad saying she couldn't do it –she couldn't handle it; she was scared that I'd have no quality of life and the burden of raising a child with a disability was too much. So she left."

"Jesus," Jess whispered. "That's… awful. I'm so sorry."

"Whatever," Ella shrugged. "It doesn't matter. My dad's a better parent than she ever would've been. I never wanted for anything –never spent an abundance of time wondering what it would've been like if she'd stuck around. I was six when she left. I barely remember the woman. It's probably better that way. My point is –Rory will figure it out, she'll become the mother that kid deserves, even if she's nowhere near it now, I can tell. And you –you'll figure out what you're gonna do."

"Gee, can you vague that up for me?"

"Jess, you don't even know if you're in a position where you _need_ to _do_ anything like what you're worrying about. You don't know if the kid's yours. Until you do, you're going to put your anger aside, you're going to figure out how to cope with the enormous weight of this entire situation –which is where I come in, you lucky devil- and you're still going to be the good man you are and be there for Rory."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because you're already doing it. I never said it was suddenly going to become easy and you're right, there's no way to uncomplicate it –but you're already doing it. When Rory came down those stairs yesterday, I watched you –you sprang right into action. You were there for her. You were the calming, familiar presence she needed. You took care of her, you stayed with her –you phoned the other guy and kept him in the loop –which is not as simple as it sounds, so pat yourself on the back for that one- and then you drove two hours and brought her home. It won't be simple Jess and I don't have a crystal ball, so I can't tell you what to expect –but whatever happens, you'll do the right thing –whatever that may be," Ella said sincerely.

"I think maybe you're assuming that I'm a better man than I actually am," Jess said quietly.

Ella leaned forward and took Jess' hand, squeezing it gently as she spoke. "No. I'm not assuming a damn thing."

* * *

With Jess' help, Greg was able to piece together some solid excerpts and previews of _Gilmore Girls_ for Matt and Chris to publish in Truncheon's 'zine, which was due out in mid-March. Rory was worried they were too rough, but the guys assured her that minor changes between previews and the final product were no big deal. She was due back in Brooklyn in a few weeks; Matt and Chris and Bry would be in town to talk to her about cover art, release dates and a promotional schedule. In the meantime, they told her to work from home in Stars Hollow and send her writing to Greg via email.

Rory spent a few days after her hospital visit resting, but by the following Monday, she felt strong enough to start thinking about _The_ _Stars Hollow Gazette,_ and how best to convince Taylor that he needed to start investing money into the beloved paper –and give her a much needed salary.

"So, she's just going to work at some pokey town paper? She's spending more time on that God-forsaken book –which I still think is a terrible idea- which might not even be anything. Why is she acting like this?" Emily asked Lorelai one day over the phone. "She's far too untethered. It's all so absurd."

"It's not absurd, Mom," Lorelai sighed, thinking to herself at the exact same time that maybe it _was_ a _little_ absurd –but at least Rory was trying; it was a start.

"But you just told me she's not getting paid at that paper. It isn't a job. It's volunteer work."

"She's working on that. She'll convince Taylor to give her a salary."

"Really? How?"

"I don't know. But she told me she's working on it."

"How? How is she working on it?" Emily pressed.

"I don't know, Mom," Lorelai admitted. "She hasn't told me."

"What do you mean, she hasn't told you? She tells you everything."

"Not lately."

"Mom?" Rory said, entering the kitchen slowly.

"Mom, I'll call you back." Lorelai hung up the phone. "Yeah Hun?"

"Lane and I are going for a walk. Do you want me to bring any food back?"

"No, that's okay. Luke's bringing stuff from the diner."

"Okay. I'll see you in a bit then," Rory smiled softly.

"Okay kid," Lorelai grinned.

Lane and Rory walked arm-in-arm to the gazebo in the center of town. When they sat down, Rory quietly swore Lane to secrecy and slowly told her the whole story –what happened with Jess, then Logan showing up and here she was, pregnant with a mystery kid.

"Wow," Lane sighed. "And I thought my pregnancy was stressful. Does anyone else know?"

"Jess. Logan. Jess has a really good friend in Brooklyn –Ella, I think- and I told him it was okay to confide in her if he wanted, he needs someone to talk to –so she probably knows. But, that's all –me, Jess, Logan, Ella, and now you. Plus, my doctor, but that's confidential."

"Your mom doesn't even know?"

"My mom assumes the baby is Logan's. That's probably a theory that's made its way around by now. But everyone in this town suddenly has a very good poker face, so who knows. She doesn't know I slept with Jess."

"And Jess and Logan are –talking? Like, civilly?" Lane asked carefully.

Rory nodded. "Logan says they have a stalemate in place…. I think he used the term 'reluctant allies.' It's very weird. But I don't really blame them. I'm not exactly with it –I know that. It's good, that they can talk to each other. Lane, what if I can't get my shit together? What if I'm a terrible mother?"

"Rory, you weren't expecting this to happen. You've had a –traumatic- a crazy couple of years. This is a huge shock. It's gonna take some time to adjust. It's happening slowly, but you are –you're adjusting. You won't be a terrible mother."

"Logan's engaged. How could I –I slept with Dean when he was married and that was a disaster, I hated myself for it. I swore I'd never do anything like that again and here I go…"

"Love isn't logical, Rory."

"Love?"

"Logan. Do you love him?"

"I –I don't know," Rory whispered. "I think a part of me will always… when we're good, we're really good together, Lane. Everything's been so insane, with my grandpa and Conde Nast and Naomi Shropshire…. I knew he was engaged but he's –he's Logan, you know? He was my comfortable person –my pillow, my protection from everything that was spinning out of control. I ignored for too long that he was one of the things spinning out of control. I didn't want to see it. When I was in London with him and we were together I couldn't shake the feeling that this could've been my life. Not a Vegas secret, but my _real_ life, if I'd said yes when he asked me to –"

"Rory, that was almost ten years ago. You hadn't even graduated from Yale yet," Lane reminded her. "I know when you turned him down it hurt –you didn't want to break up. _He_ walked away from _you_. But, did you regret saying no? Did you have any lingering regret?"

"Not really."

"If you'd said yes then, it wouldn't've been right. You can't look at the life he has now and how you love him and pine about how that could've been your life all along –because odds are, it wouldn't've been. You were twenty-two, you hadn't been out in the world. If you'd said yes then and moved to California and lived in that house with that avocado tree with everything meticulously set, you would've resented it eventually. You would've become restless. You know that. What you feel now isn't something you can assume you could've felt all along, because odds are it wouldn't've worked out that way."

"Yeah, but I'm here _now_. I'm pregnant, Lane, with what is most likely his baby. He's engaged. He has a life in London. Having Vegas in London was fun; I loved having an excuse because of work to be there all the time but –who am I kidding?"

"Do you want to be with him?"

"I –I don't know. I love him. I'd be lying if I said I never thought seriously about making a life with him, even though he's engaged and all the rest of it –but I – _this_ isn't how I wanted to be thinking about a life with him."

"Well, this is the situation you're in –you can't change that. What if…" Lane paused. "What about if it's –"

"What if it's Jess'?" Rory finished her thought with a sigh.

"Yeah."

"I have no idea. Jess and me are –we're, whatever we are. I was in a next level state when he found me that day, I –I don't like to think about it much. I _needed_ to feel safe. Jess is now this rock of Gibraltar guy and I needed to feel as secure as he just –radiates. I didn't think he'd –but he did. Jess and I are complicated, but we had finally made it to this great place, you know? I love him, but I don't –I'm not _in love_ with him. It took us so long to find that beautiful calm –and I wrecked it. We'll never be the same again."

"But if the baby is his…"

"He'll step up," Rory said quietly, surely. "I did a terrible thing, backing him into a corner like that with my book –he's right. And he has every right to hate me –"

"He doesn't hate you," Lane assured her.

"He might. But it doesn't matter. You should've seen the way he was just _there_ –when I started bleeding. I was so scared and he just –he was just _there_. Not just to make sure I got to the hospital and make sure medically I was fine, but he was there for _me_ –like, really there for _me_. After everything I've done to him lately he still –"

"He's your rock of Gibraltar."

"He's my rock of Gibraltar –my rock of Gibraltar that I don't deserve. If this baby is his, he won't just be a father, he'll be a _dad_. But I don't know if I want an _us_ –I don't even know if it's even possible for there to be an _us_ , let alone if I want it. Even if it isn't his kid –if Logan –" Rory started to cry softly. "He'd still be there. He'll still be –it doesn't matter what happens. Even if we're never close ever again, he'll still be there. He'll still be there no matter how much I mess up his life."

"Rory," Lane said slowly, "how did you even… get pregnant? Didn't they wear a condom?"

"I was taking the pill," Rory answered. "I told them they didn't need to."

"You told them –?"

"Well, Jess anyway. Logan –he never wears them if he can help it."

"Okay. But then how…?"

"I –I forgot to take it," Rory whispered.

"You forgot?" Lane asked incredulously.

"The day that Jess found me was –bad. I –I'm surprised I remembered how to keep breathing that day. I was just in such intense emotional pain from the second I woke up… I forgot to take it. He found me in my bedroom in the late morning and things just… happened. The next day, Logan shows up and whisks me away to a bed and breakfast in New Hampshire –I didn't even have a toothbrush or a change of clothes, let alone a dosette with my birth control in it, just in case someone were to swoop in and whisk me away for the night.

"The reason I forgot the day with Jess was completely different than why I missed it two mornings later with Logan, so I never made the connection until I missed my period. Even then, I didn't put everything together until I took the test," Rory admitted as she stared at her hands, embarrassed.

Lane sighed. "Do they know?"

"I told them it didn't work. They don't know –I haven't told them I forgot to take it."

"Are you going to tell them?"

"I probably have to, at some point."

"It's understandable –why you forgot, I mean. It could happen to anyone."

"Really Lane?" Rory asked sarcastically. "Somehow I don't think they'll see it that way, or have an iota of your understanding on the issue. I think I want to go home now," she sighed.

On their way back around to Rory's house, they passed Stars Hollow High. "God, that seems like a million years ago, doesn't it?" Lane chuckled.

Rory wandered closer to the two boys chatting outside the school as they walked by. Her old journalistic instincts buzzed to life; she didn't know exactly what it was that she was overhearing, but she knew it was something. She made a mental note to ask Luke about it when she got home. Thankfully, he was there when she got home –she was never patient when her inquiring mind kicked in. "Hey Luke, what do you know about corked bats?"

"Corked bats?" Luke asked in surprise. "Do you mean, like –baseball bats?"

"Yeah," she answered. The boys she'd seen talking were high school age, wearing Woodbury High baseball uniforms.

"People use corked baseball bats because they're lighter and easier to swing. It's way easier to hit your mark that way –especially if you're not the strongest hitter."

"Do people use them a lot?"

"Only if you're playing casual recreational ball. They aren't used in any sort of even semi-professional league."

"What about in a high school?"

"No, never. Scouts come to those games. People who get offered a full athletic scholarship to college have to prove themselves at the highest standard. There's no grading on a curve with that stuff," Luke said with a smirk.

"Are you proud of the little pun you just made there, Luke?" Rory asked with a smile.

"A little," Luke admitted. "Hey, you're not a sports-of-any-kind type of person. Why the sudden interest in corked bats? How do you even know to _ask_ me about corked bats?"

"I was walking past Stars Hollow High with Lane on the way home, I heard a few boys in Woodbury uniforms talking about it."

"Well, if the players are good enough, scouts can and will navigate small-town Connecticut to find the next Babe Ruth."

"Oh, good chocolate bar!" Lorelai said as she entered the kitchen. "Did you bring me one, kid?"

"Babe Ruth, not _Baby Ruth_ ," Rory laughed.

"You lost me."

"Baseball," Luke said.

"Which leads me to a question that trumps my hope for a chocolate bar –why in the world are you talking with Luke about baseball?" Lorelai asked.

"I think I may have uncovered the best way to convince Taylor that _The_ _Stars Hollow Gazette_ isn't a lost cause –and that I'd be worth every penny of the meagre salary he'd begrudgingly offer."

"How?"

"By uncovering a nefarious scheme cooked up by none other than our small-town archrivals, Woodbury… well, specifically their high school baseball team, but if I'm right and we –Stars Hollow- can expose them…"

"The sky's the limit! Way to go, my little Lois Lane!"

"Thanks," Rory grinned proudly.

There was a knock at the door.

"Can you get that, Lorelai? I'm up to my elbows in dry rub," Luke said.

"For Paul Anka's food," Lorelai said with a teasing taunt before running out of the room cackling. Her smile disappeared when she opened the door. "It's for you," she said to her daughter flatly when she came back into the kitchen.

Rory cocked her head curiously and got up to go to the door. She opened it, seeing the last person she'd ever expect to find standing on her front porch, whose eyes fell right to her burgeoning belly before focusing back on her face.

"Hey, Ace," Logan whispered nervously, reassuring her –and himself- with a tiny grin.


	12. Chapter 12

"Logan… what are you –how did you –what are you doing here?" Rory stammered quietly. "You can't be here. How are you here?"

"I flew on a plane. That's how I got to Connecticut," Logan offered. "To get to your house? I drove for a while. Luckily I remembered the way here pretty well –surprised myself actually."

"How are you here?" she repeated. "Your dad –Odette –they –"

"I told my dad I missed the States. I convinced him to let me come back and monitor _The Stanford Eagle Gazette_ before he makes a decision on whether or not to let it fold."

" _The Stamford Eagle Gazette_ … I haven't heard that publication name since… I didn't even know it was still around."

"It is –but evidently maybe not for long."

"Okay. How long are you here for?"

"Until mid-July or so, with occasional commitments requiring travel to and from London throughout the course of my stay," Logan answered matter-of-factly.

"So that means you'll probably be in Connecticut for the –the birth," Rory said slowly, finding it inexplicably difficult to say the actual words pertaining to _the birth of her own child_. It was unsettling to her that those words were so hard to utter and she genuinely –desperately hoped that that uneasiness would pass sooner rather than later. She knew her maternal instincts _were_ kicking in, she just wished it would happen faster.

"I really hope I can be there for –that. You have no idea how much I hope for that, Rory," Logan said sincerely.

"When did you get here –back to Connecticut, I mean?"

"A few days ago. I had some introductory meetings to initiate my overseeing of the _Gazette_ before I could get out here and see you –"

"And –but what are you doing _here_ –on my doorstep?"

"I thought we could –talk."

"About what?"

Logan lowered his gaze slightly to her belly. "I can think of a few things…"

"Right… sorry."

"You keep playing the role of detective here, Rory and I might start thinking that you're not even a _tiny_ bit happy to see me. I know this is a lot… I mean, for me too. But I can go, if it was wrong to just show up like this without warning. I just thought… I don't know," Logan sighed. "I don't know."

"Of course I'm happy to see you, Logan. Just, surprised," Rory assured him with a gentle smile. "And I do think we should talk –just, not here."

"Sure, yeah. I understand. Can I take you out for something to eat?"

"In Stars Hollow?" Rory asked skeptically.

"I was thinking more along the lines of New Haven, one of our old Yale haunts," Logan grinned. "I'm aware that it might not be the safest bet to announce my presence to the entire town quite this fast –even if they are under the impression that that's my kid you're carrying."

"Good call," Rory smiled. "Let me just grab my coat and tell Mom and Luke I'm going out. Wait for me in your car, okay? I'll be right back."

"It's okay Hun, go," Lorelai whispered, handing Rory her coat and purse as soon as she turned around. "You guys have a lot you need to talk about. I'll tell Luke."

"Does Luke know –does he know that Logan might be the father…?"

"Yeah, he knows."

Rory didn't know whether she was surprised to hear this or not.

"But he also knows that you've been dealing with a lot, so I made him promise to keep his cool. He doesn't want to add to what's already a super stressful situation for you. When he finds out that Logan's _here_ though, he might not be able to keep that cool, so enjoy the relative calm while it lasts. He _will_ tear a strip off Logan the _second_ he does _anything_ to deserve it."

"And I love him for it," Rory said softy.

"He loves you too, kid."

"Did you tell him Logan's engaged?"

"I told him it was complicated. That bit of information –about Logan being engaged- isn't mine to share. That's fuel that I have no business adding to the fire. But as soon as Luke knows he's here, I cannot be held responsible for the Spanish Inquisition that Luke or this town will unleash on the guy."

" _Everyone_ knows?"

"Almost. Essentially –yeah."

"Oh my God… this is a disaster."

"Everyone loves you and they want to protect you; as far as they know, Logan knocked you up and stayed in London. They haven't said anything because everyone can see that you're –not yourself and they don't want to make you feel worse or make a spectacle of what's happening –they know that's the last thing you need."

Rory smiled softly. "Every once in a while, despite this town's unending love of gossip they –"

"This town protects their own –fiercely. That trumps their love of gossip by a _very_ lot," Lorelai whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. "And they love _you_ fiercely –no matter how lost you are.

"Rory… it's good that Logan's here. His concern, his caring for you –it seems genuine –the look in his eyes when I opened the door… Unless you truly believe that it'd be a bad idea, you should talk to him. I know he's engaged; I'm not condoning the choices you both made that led you here. But I'm just saying –he might surprise you."

* * *

Rory and Logan drove to New Haven in relative silence, neither of them saying anything of consequence. When Rory realized where he'd taken her, she couldn't help but laugh. "Oh my God. I haven't been here since –"

"I know. It's been a while, right? Do you think it's folk night?" Logan winked. "So, can I start with a hard question?" he asked when they sat down.

"You came all this way. You've earned it. I may not have an answer –but you can ask."

"Deftly put. You've learned something from the Huntzbergers, I see," he grinned.

"What is it, Logan?"

"Were you ever going to tell me, Rory?"

"But I –I did tell you."

"Yeah. And I did the math. You knew _long_ before you told me anything. And you even told me about Jess' reaction when he found out, because he held your toes to the fire and it made you feel pretty nervous about telling me. You told him before you told me Rory.

"Now, listen –I know I was not a shining beacon of genuineness when I met Jess all those years ago; your history with him is none of my business and I'm sure he'd be the first to back me up on that. But Rory –he hasn't been in your life for –no, no, that's not what I –it's _you and me_ , Rory, what you and I've been doing is –"

"Dishonest."

"But it's been _years_ , Rory! We've been involved –however dishonestly- for _years_! You've never been some meaningless affair, you know that! You know how I feel about you. So why do I have this nasty gut feeling that if you hadn't told Jess and if he hadn't been less than cordial about it, you might've never called me at all?"

"Logan, I –"

"I deserve more than that, Rory."

"Does it matter _why_ I told you, or when I told you _that_ much?"

"It does when it seems much more likely that I never would've known –if _not_ for the why and the when."

"Logan," Rory sighed. "I get that you're mad –I do. But nothing I can tell you will fix it. I don't have an answer that'll satisfy you. I'm genuinely sorry –I swear I am. But I can't change that I fucked up, so if you keep harping on me for an answer you're in for a world of disappointment –because I don't have one."

"Am I right?" Logan asked quietly.

"Yes –I –I might not have told you," Rory admitted reluctantly. "And I'm sorry. I am. But the important thing is that I _did_ tell you. You know. And you're here. You can thank Jess for being an angry asshole and unleashing on me the next time you see him. Can we please just move on?"

"Are you glad you told me?"

"You're here," she whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I never thought you'd actually –I _do_ know what we mean to each other, even if we have been dishonest. I am glad I told you, Logan. I'm sorry I almost didn't."

"Good thing 'almost' only counts in horseshoes, huh?" he whispered, taking her hand.

Rory laughed. "Ugh. That's such a lame saying –but yeah. Good thing."

"I have one more question that might be a little sensitive. If you don't know the answer, that's okay…"

"What do you mean, if I don't know?"

"How did you even get pregnant?" Logan asked after a pause.

"How did I –"

"I know the stats on the effectiveness of the pill. I also know how long we've been sleeping together and for _exactly how long_ this has _never_ been a problem. Something must've changed. Did you switch pills or something?"

"No," Rory said shaking her head.

"There's nothing you can think of that might've changed?"

"Logan, please."

"Rory, if you know, just tell me. What am I gonna do, storm out? I wouldn't've come all this way just to storm out. If I thought the potential answer would make me too angry to see straight, I wouldn't ask. But I'm here. I'm right here. And I'm asking."

"Logan –"

"You wouldn't be this evasive if you didn't have an answer. If you're worried I'm going to tell Jess, I won't. It's not for me to tell. Doesn't exactly change our situation, does it? If he wants to know, he can ask you and you can decide what you do or don't want to tell him. I don't think he'd have any scruples with asking you himself if he wanted to know. I'm not asking for him. I'm not asking for both of us. _I'm_ asking you, Rory. Just me. Do you know how this happened?" Logan asked gently, still holding her hand, his brown eyes softening.

"I –" Rory sighed. "I forgot to take it. The day Jess and I –it was the morning and the day was –bad, I just was just, next-level grieving and I forgot. And then two mornings later I was in this beautiful bed and breakfast in New Hampshire with you and I –" she started sobbing.

"You didn't have it with you."

"No."

"Hey," Logan whispered, squeezing Rory's hand. "It's okay, Ace. It's okay. It happens."

"Really?" Rory cried. "That's your answer? 'It happens'?"

"Yeah. What would you like me to say?"

"I don't know. Considering my little episode of forgetfulness might ruin your life I –"

"Don't say that."

"Why not? Do you have a plan, Logan? I don't have a plan –and I used to be Planner Girl! I _loved_ having a plan. I _loved_ having a plan and lists to help me conquer the task that I'd meticulously planned. _I don't have a plan_ –are you telling me you do?"

"No, Rory. I don't have a plan. I didn't plan any of this. But as you so studiously pointed out, I'm here, aren't I?" Logan shot back, a little sharply as he dropped her hand. "We don't even know if I'm –if the kid's –"

"If it's yours," Rory replied dryly, rolling her eyes.

"That's right. And _I'm still here_. If I didn't give a shit about you –if all I was concerned about was how an unplanned kid would ruin my life –if that's really _all_ I was worried about, I wouldn't be here.

"So no –I don't have a plan and yeah, whether or not I'm the father affects the plan I make –you're damn right it does! But I'm still here, Rory –I still came here. I still want to be here for you, to help you, to figure out what we're gonna do –if the baby's mine, but also if it's not.

"Get off your high horse Rory –lots of women in your position don't have one man to look out for her and help her, let alone two. I get that you're still processing. I get that you're still in shock. I get that this is going to take a while to get used to. But newsflash –all that stuff screwing with your head is screwing with mine too, sweetheart! But that doesn't mean you get to make me the bad guy while you figure your stuff out. You wanna do that? I can board a flight back to London any day I want."

Rory sighed deeply. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "Can you –please, no more hard questions today, okay? I don't want you to leave before you've even had a chance to adjust from the jet lag."

"Yeah, okay," Logan said quietly. "No more hard questions. You must be hungry. Should we order?"

"Yeah. Logan, I… I really am glad you're here."

"Me too, Ace."

* * *

"Lane's the only one who knows that the baby… might not be yours," Rory said slowly right before Logan pulled into her driveway at the end of the night.

"Understood," he nodded. "Not even your mom suspects –"

"No. I never told her about –"

"Right. Okay. I'm assuming everyone else thinks it could only be mine and wants to kill me?"

"Pretty much."

"It's a good thing I'm staying in Stamford then, huh?" Logan grinned.

"Yeah, good thing," Rory smiled. "Goodnight, Logan."

"Goodnight, Rory. I'll see you soon." Logan kissed her cheek chastely as she exited the car.

Rory acknowledged the sweet gesture with a sad smile as she shut the passenger door and turned her back on him to go inside.

* * *

The next morning, Logan rose early and got into his rented car as the sun was coming up. He'd looked up the address the night before and programmed it into his GPS. Now, he was driving –hoping he didn't lose his nerve before he arrived.

"Can I help you?"

"Yeah," he answered nervously. He realized for the first time that he didn't even know the last name of the person he'd come there to talk to. "I'm looking for Jess…" _Please don't tell me there's more than one Jess here. If that name is suddenly way popular amongst guys I may just kill myself right now_ , Logan thought to himself.

"Sure," Greg smiled. "Can I tell him who's after him?"

"Logan."

"Is he expecting you?"

"Decidedly not," Logan grinned. "But he might not be too surprised. Or he might be shocked and dismayed –I really couldn't say."

"It's okay Greggers," Jess said evenly, slowly emerging from a tiny office down the hall. "Logan, why don't you come on back." He waited until Logan came into the room and shut the door behind him. "What can I do for you?"

"That's a surprisingly business-like way to greet someone."

"Well, this is my place of business. So."

"It's a fine operation you've got here."

"That's funny, because you know nothing about the operation I've got here."

"Jess…"

"Logan…"

"I'm in town, overseeing a business venture until mid-July –or there abouts. I'll need to be travelling some, between here and London, but I'll be mostly here. Thought you should know. I'm staying in Stamford."

"Thanks for keeping me in the loop," Jess grinned. "Does Rory know you're in town?"

"I saw her last night," Logan answered. "She offered to tell you I was here, but I told her I would."

"You told her you'd –? You wanted to come here?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" Jess asked cynically.

"To thank you."

"To thank me –what the hell for?"

"For looking out for her. But mostly for being an angry asshole and unleashing on her," Logan said knowingly, offering Jess his hand.

"Sure," Jess answered slowly, with a hint of sarcasm. "Anytime."

"Jess. I mean it."

When Jess saw the sincerity in Logan's eyes his smirk disappeared; he grasped Logan's outstretched hand, shaking it firmly.

"Tenuous peace still in place?" Logan asked.

"Tenuous peace still in place," Jess nodded. "Though the 'unlikeliness' of our allied forces might be less and less convincing. Especially with your sincere –albeit weird- gesture of thanks and us standing here shaking hands like reasonable men."

"Yeah, you're right. I won't tell anyone we behaved like reasonable men in each other's presence if you don't," Logan winked.

"Deal."

"So if your business partner out there asks…"

"I hate your guts. You tried to buy my silence regarding a longstanding and nasty feud and I categorically, emphatically refused –on principle, being that I'm the only one of the two of us who, you know –has them," Jess deadpanned.

Logan laughed. "Fair enough. But what about when I show my face here again?"

"Even people who hate each other must sometimes continue to have civil working relationships. I'm sure you must know that better than most," Jess said with a sly grin.

"Touché. I do know that. Well –thank you."

"Yeah, 'course. Thank you too."

"For what?"

"Coming here –back to the States –here to talk to me yourself. You didn't have to do either of those things. I appreciate it and I'm sure it means a lot to Rory –even if she can't say so now."

"Don't sell yourself short Jess –you're not nothing to her."

Jess sighed. "Hey, if anything ever happens with her and –the baby when you're –"

"You're my second call, right after Lorelai –just like when you had to –and whenever will have to in the future- be the one calling me," Logan promised.

"Thanks."

"Okay, well. I won't keep you. I just wanted to come by and say thanks and to give you this," Logan handed him a small piece of paper. "It's my Connecticut cell number. Whenever I need to be back in London I'll give you a heads up to use the other, and when you can go back to the local number."

"Okay. Good. Thanks. I'll talk to you soon, I guess then."

"Seems that way, yeah. Have a good day, Jess."

Jess scrunched his eyes tightly shut and let out a sigh of disbelief –he couldn't believe what he was about to do. "Logan –wait."

Logan tuned around just before he was about to step out of Jess' office, looked at him quizzically and waited.

"I'm guessing –even though everyone assumes that you and only you are the father- that you still don't really have anyone you can talk to. A close friend you can confide in? Rory knows I told only my closest friend about –so that I could have someone to talk to. But I'm guessing you don't have that –anyone you can talk to –still, regardless of you not being all the way in London anymore. You still have no one to talk to, really."

"No," Logan answered slowly, a little surprised by where it seemed Jess was going with his stammering overture. "I don't. I don't have anyone I can talk to, or confide in –just me, myself and I –and Rory, but she's still not entirely in a place where one can easily confide in her about the things one should be able to."

"No, she's really not," Jess sighed. "And that sucks –but it is what it is, I guess. She's getting there –slowly, but she is."

"Why do you care whether I have anyone to talk to, Jess?"

"Because we're unlikely allies and because we share a common –and because against my better judgment and regardless of how much I wish I didn't, I do care."

"So then why did you really ask me if I have someone I can talk to?"

"Because you confirmed what I thought –which is that you don't. And I just –I can be that person for you, if you want –I can be the person you talk to. I do understand your current predicament better than anyone else –better than any other confidante you could come up with. I could… be your person."

"But you hate me," Logan chuckled.

"I don't _hate_ you. I don't know you," Jess pointed out. "We met once, like eleven years ago. We could be entirely different people now than we were then. I'm not saying we become besties or anything but it's like you said when you first called me –"

"If we can't talk to anyone about this –not even Rory- we may as well talk to each other."

"Exactly. Rory has us. When she's really ready to open up we'll both be there for her. In the meantime, she has Lane and I have my best friend with me here in Brooklyn –I have Ella and you still have –"

"No one."

"Who knows, Huntzberger –you and I might end up becoming _friends_ ," Jess said teasingly.

"But you just said –"

"Not hating someone and being friends with someone and being besties with them are three completely different things."

"The fact that you've said the word 'besties' twice in two minutes terrifies me," Logan laughed.

"Me too. But my best friend _is_ a woman, so unfortunately some of her vernacular rubs off on me –most of the time, the parts of her girly vernacular that I hate the most are the things that stick," Jess explained, rolling his eyes. "My point is –in all seriousness- I can be that person for you, the person you turn to talk everything through, to vent and help you make sense of this wonderfully complicated mess –a mess which I conveniently share with you. Just think about it, okay? Believe me, me extending an olive branch to you is just as weird for me as it is for you –but I mean it. If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me."

Logan flashed a grateful smile and shook Jess' hand –genuinely, out of gratitude once more. "Thanks man –I will." With that, he turned and left the office.

When Jess heard Logan leave and the front door of Truncheon shut behind him, he sat down at his desk and let his head fall into his hands.

"Hey boss," Greg said, knocking quietly on the doorframe of Jess' office. "What was that all about?"

"Oh Greggers, you wouldn't believe me if I told you," Jess replied flatly, without even lifting his head up.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2017! I would like to have your input -conduct a poll of sorts. I still haven't decided on the gender of Baby Gilmore. What do you guys think; boy or girl? If you leave me a review, state your preference!

Rory had indeed uncovered an impressive small town cover up: the boys of the Woodbury High baseball team were swinging corked bats. The team's coach was immediately fired; the team was stripped of all championships won under that coach, who was nearing retirement after a full career at Woodbury High –longstanding titles were lost and the team's reputation was reduced to tatters. The boys Rory had heard talking outside of Stars Hollow High were grilled about the extent of their knowledge –they were also denied the possibility of winning a free college ride on a sports scholarship. The rest of the team was interrogated too and though the chatty members were identified as coach's pets, all of them suffered –the whole team was suspended from play for the rest of the season.

The town of Woodbury was shocked to learn of the conniving actions of their star team, and were even more shocked that they had to learn the details from the neighbouring town's paper. As a result, Woodbury residents questioned the reliability of all news reported on by their own paper, and subscription to _The Stars Hollow Gazette_ skyrocketed. Esther and Charlie couldn't sleep at work or spend the entire day at the filing cabinet anymore; they found the newspaper business had changed a great deal while they weren't looking –it was very hard work. They had a newfound respect for the young plucky girl running their tiny newsroom –in a delicate condition no less.

Taylor was also impressed. When he caught wind of Woodbury residents paying for a subscription to the _Gazette_ , he held a weekend-long festival at The Black White and Read Bookstore, where he showed movies about newspapers and hard-hitting journalists –even submitting to the unrelenting pleading from the Thirty-Something Gang and showing Aaron Sorkin's short-lived HBO series _The Newsroom_ , though he found all the swearing to be in poor taste and insisted that such language was grotesque and unrealistic for a newsroom; Rory rolled her eyes at his willful naiveté.

All of this was of course to say that Taylor did agree to give Rory a small salary for the new business she brought to Stars Hollow's old newspaper, which had always operated in the black. He reluctantly agreed to three hundred dollars a week. Assuming she worked a regular forty-hour week that many full-time jobs required –and even if she were to work slightly less, at thirty-five hours a week- it was barely above minimum wage and nowhere close to what she should be earning while spearheading a paper, regardless of how entirely modest the publication was.

The Yale graduate in Rory, the woman who started out her professional career documenting one unlikely Senator's path to victory in the White House wanted to protest –to fight it and demand to make what she knew she was worth; but the other part of her, the thirty-two-year-old pregnant woman living at home with her mother and stepfather, who was hopelessly lost in all other aspects of her life –but for this fairly recent and miniscule victory- took Taylor's offer without complaint. At twelve hundred dollars a month she'd be able to put the bulk of the money aside to save for the baby –living at home with Lorelai and Luke, the roof over her head was rent free and her expenses were minimal.

* * *

"We heard you kept our boys on their toes the last time you were here, Rory," Chris smiled. "Thanks for proving that we were right to hire them –they're damn good at thinking on their feet. Jess we already knew wasn't a lost cause, otherwise why would we have taken on the punk, much less kept him all this time –"

"Hey!" Jess said defensively, smacking Chris. "I'm right here. I can hear you, you know."

"Why do you think he said it?" Matt winked slyly. "You think we all the sudden _don't_ derive great satisfaction from getting a rise out of you? But really –Greg earned his stripes that day, which is saying something, because he'd already earned what we thought were all of them. Thanks for keeping things interesting in this modest second office of ours."

"You're welcome," Rory answered slowly.

"Guys! Thin ice," Jess warned with an understated edge, shooting them an intense glare. "Rory's ordeal was pretty scary –you have a lot of nerve shrugging it off as _interesting_ and thanking her for giving Greg a further opportunity to prove himself."

"Oh shit. We didn't mean –we didn't mean to –we're so sorry, Rory," Chris stammered nervously, his cheeks turning a deep scarlet in embarrassment. "We're glad you're okay."

"Yeah, that was a stupid thing for me to say –really stupid. I'm sorry, Rory. I was out of line," Matt whispered in a small voice. "We are really glad everything turned out fine –we were scared for you when Jess told us what happened."

Rory smiled sympathetically; she knew they hadn't meant to be offensive. She shot Jess a grateful glance –for having her back. He acknowledged her with the tiniest of smirks.

"I swear these guys got some of their manners out of a cereal box at random," Bry sighed. "They overstepped, but they didn't mean anything by it. For such smart guys, you'd be surprised how often we all deal with Foot In Mouth Syndrome."

"Forgive them. They know not what they speak –on account of them forgetting to connect their mouths to their brains when they woke up this morning," Greg said with a gentle, reassuring smile.

Rory chuckled awkwardly. "It's really okay. I promise. Don't be so embarrassed. I'm okay. Everything's fine. Really, how are we going to continue to work together if you're so mortified, you can barely look at me? Even on account of you two being in Philly and not having to look at me that often, it'd still make things kinda challenging. Really Matt, it's okay."

"All right," Greg sighed. "Now that that water's under the bridge, let's get down to the matter at hand. Cover art for _Gilmore Girls_ –we should come out of this meeting agreed, so we can get ideas to the graphics people we contract to."

"Well –cover art –I was just thinking, what if it's just _Gilmore Girls_ –the title justified in the center?" Rory asked.

"We were thinking a picture of you, your mother and your grandmother together would be a perfect –" Bry started to say.

"No."

"No?" Chris asked.

"I mean, it's a good idea –just not for my book. I don't want it and I know my mom wouldn't be comfortable with it either. It took her a while to be on board with me writing this at all because it would be exposing some sensitive details of her family dynamics and personal life. If she ever saw this book with her picture on the cover, she'd have a fit. And my grandmother would have an even bigger fit. No. End of discussion."

"She's right," Jess said simply. "Don't fight her on it. Let it drop."

"But then how are readers supposed to know it's about the journey of a grandmother, a mother and her daughter if we don't show you on the cover?" Chris asked –not unreasonably.

"I'll add a colon to the title and a subtitle _telling_ readers the story they're getting. Something like, ' _Gilmore Girls: My Family's Journey & How I've Realized It's True What They Say –You Can't Live With Them & You Absolutely Can't Live Without Them_'. What do you think?" Rory asked, a little nervously.

There were about five beats of silence among the men of Truncheon, seeming to be the longest silence of Rory's life as she waited for a 'yay' or 'nay' vote on the title of this book –this book which meant everything to her. Finally, she saw small smiles tug at the lips of each of the guys, one by one.

Jess smiled crookedly. "It's kinda perfect," he said softly.

"Yeah?" Rory grinned.

"Yeah," Matt and Chris nodded, smiling at her.

"It's a perfect sound byte –it might even be better than using a picture of you and your mother and grandmother," Bry agreed.

"If you don't want cover _art_ ," Greg said, " _those_ are the words you use in a title to draw people in. It'll work. I suggest if we're going to go simple, let's go simple all the way. Put the title and subtitle in center justification, with the former above the latter with a no frills byline at the bottom of the cover, maybe off to the right so that we don't overdo the centered text."

"I agree," Bry nodded. "The cover itself should be equally no frills. The text should be in plain black or white against a solid colour backdrop –whether the text is black or white will depend on the coloured backdrop we choose; and whatever scheme is created for the slipcovers on the first edition will be repeated on the hardcover underneath. All softcover editions –when we get there, should reflect the solid colours on the hardcover."

"We can include a standard synopsis on the inside cover of the first edition," Chris said.

"And a flattering headshot of Rory to include with her author's bio on the back flap," Matt continued. "Rory, have you ever had a professional headshot taken?"

"Um, no, I don't think so," Rory answered.

"No big deal," Jess assured her. "We know a few photographers who'd be more than willing to hook you up at a reduced cost."

"That'd really be great."

"Not to worry Rory," Greg said. "I'll set you up with someone here in Brooklyn."

"Your excerpts were a _huge_ hit in the 'zine," Matt told her.

"And her drafts are almost beyond reproach," Greg added proudly.

"How much more have you got done, Rory?" Bry asked.

"I'm about halfway there," Rory answered. "If things keep going like they have been I should be able to finish before the baby's born."

"We wanted to talk to you about actually," Chris started to say.

"Should I be nervous?"

"No," Matt assured her. "We were just thinking that it might be a good idea to delay the release date until a few months after the baby is born. You can do pre-emptive press in anticipation of release and we can print a limited number of advance editions for a lucky few who come out to meet you when you're doing advance press. Once the book is fully out –in the world, for all to see- you'll need to embark on a promotional tour, even if it's just a modest one, and we realize you can't really do that with a newborn in toe very easily," he explained sympathetically. "You need time to be at home with your baby –then, after a few months, with any luck, you'll be able to bring the baby with you for part of the time you're on the road. Not to show off your kid, of course –just to minimize separation time."

"The excerpts from the 'zine are generating good buzz –the interest is there and it will continue to build. If we can get you out to some strategic pre-release appearances –and the interest _is_ there based on what's in the 'zine, it'll be only be that much bigger by the time we get to the full-fledged release. I find it hard to believe that your readers wouldn't understand the need for you to be at home immediately following the birth of your child, especially given what your memoir is about," Bry said.

"Besides, we'll be able to put your finished memoir up on our website for people to order right to their doorstep, which means that even with the delayed release, you can take an extra few weeks at home and your book sales will still go up, even with a postponed press tour. By the time people catch wind of you in these pre-release appearances they'll be able to understand why your tour is delayed and they'll wait for you. We're banking on a decent amount of sales and recoup from the limited advance editions," Chris explained further.

"How many advance copies would you print?" Rory asked.

"That's still the question before the court," Jess sighed, clearly trying to problem solve in his head.

"But those are just details," Greg said. "What do you think of the plan? The limited edition advance copies, the strategic advance press junket, selling copies online to make up for a later release date and press tour?"

"I think it's… a brilliant idea, so long as it works," Rory said with an optimistic –albeit cautious- smile.

"Good," Matt grinned. "We always love it when a beautiful woman attributes us with brilliance –it is a tragically rare occurrence," he said sarcastically.

All the other men chucked under their breaths.

"Just keep writing Rory," Chis advised her. "Don't get stuck in a rut on us now. Let us worry about logistics –you just keep writing. If you think you get this book finished –even a very rough draft- before your baby is born, we'll be soaring to new heights. You can leave the editing and proofing to us –we'll default to you to okay _every_ aspect of the editorial process, nothing will be done without your permission or say so- but that's what we're here for. All you need to do is write and get a draft to us –then it's our turn to take over the hard work."

The whole time she was there, Jess found himself needing to resist the urge to pull Rory aside and ask her how she was feeling –if the baby was kicking just as much as that one time she'd let him feel it a few weeks before. It was the end of March and Rory would be entering her third trimester soon.

Jess was slowly realizing the depth of his caring –his love- for the baby that Rory was carrying. He started to realize for the first time as Rory prepared to leave his office that day –when she'd been just as distant as he was now accustomed to her being- how badly he wanted to lay his hand on her stomach and smile with her if they both felt the baby kick.

_Damn it,_ Jess realized. _Maybe I really do want this kid to be mine._

Admitting to the possibility of wanting it to be his was the only way Jess could rationalize the crushing sadness he _knew_ would descend upon him like a black cloud if he were told that he was not the father. It didn't mean that he was falling back in love with Rory –he absolutely wasn't, that much he knew for certain- it was the connectedness he both felt and _wanted to have_ with Rory's child that caught him off guard.

_Huh_ , he thought sarcastically, _well, that's new, isn't it? And fuck, that's SO inconvenient. Of course, the one time I give in, it's with HER and she gets pregnant because I stupidly listened to her when she insisted I needed no condom and refused to let me pull out –of course I still could've. But I didn't. And now Rory's pregnant. And she doesn't know who the father is. OF COURSE! And now, I feel connected to a baby that might not even be mine._

"Karma's a bitch," Jess sighed, shaking his head.

* * *

After her meeting at Truncheon, Rory headed towards the Brooklyn Bridge in the direction of New York City. She couldn't avoid this forever and the longer she did, the worse it would be. It was time to bite the bullet. As she walked into Dynasty Makers Surrogacy Clinic, her hands were clammy and shaky.

"Do you have an appointment?" the young woman sitting behind the reception desk asked.

"No. No, but I –I need to see Paris –Paris Geller," Rory stuttered nervously.

"Miss Geller's fully booked for the next six months. I'm afraid there's no way to see her without an appointment."

"Well I –what about right now? Is she here?"

"Yes, she's here, but she's in a meeting and will not be disturbed. I'm afraid you'll have to make an appointment, Miss –"

"Gilmore. Rory Gilmore."

"Fine," the receptionist smiled pleasantly. "Would you like to make an appointment then?"

"She doesn't need one," Paris said authoritatively from behind Rory.

"I'm sorry Miss Geller, I thought you –"

"You thought wrong. Clear my schedule for the rest of the day, Fiona."

"But I can't –you have meetings with –"

"I don't care!" Paris barked. "Do you want to be jobless? Destitute? Left with no way to pay for your useless _Philosophy_ Degree?"

"No, Miss Geller," Fiona said quietly.

"Then clear my schedule for the day. And never tell this woman she can't see me without an appointment. She comes in, you bring her right to me, understand? I don't care what I'm doing. Rory Gilmore takes precedence. Remember her name, spread it around. Take a picture of her beautiful face and circulate it –anyone who does anything less than roll out a red carpet from where she's standing, directly to my office _will_ be fired. Are we clear?"

"Yes."

"Philosophy majors are idiots," Paris muttered under her breath. "They can rhyme off Aristotelian ethics or tell you all about Nietzsche's Ubermensch, but they have no real life skills whatsoever." She turned to face Rory after shutting her office door. "Well, as I live and breathe. What the hell took you so long?"

Rory shrugged. "I just wasn't ready to talk to you, I guess."

"But you told me about it just fine."

"Yeah, but I didn't want to deal with the questions I knew you'd ask… unrelentingly."

"Questions like who the hell are you? Where is the Rory who was my best friend at twenty-one, who felt betrayed beyond belief and broke up with Logan for sleeping with a bunch of bridesmaids, who let me unleash both barrels of my best vitriol on him? You had trouble trusting him for months after that, Rory – _months._ And how did you morph from that person into a woman who has absolutely no scruples with cheating?" Paris asked pointedly, walking closer to Rory with every question. "Where's the person I used to know, and when did this new, loosely moraled person take her place? What'd I miss, Rory?"

"Paris, it's complicated," Rory whispered.

"Well, I have several advanced degrees. I'm pretty sure I'm smart enough to follow along. What happened? _How_ did you get from denying his proposal and him leaving you heartbroken, wanting nothing to do with you, to sleeping with him when he's engaged –having years of transcontinental booty calls and winding up pregnant? I get that he's Logan, you guys have the kind of love that doesn't just go away and ten years is plenty of time to mend even the most shattered fences. But this is a pretty big pendulum swing, Rory."

"I know."

"Well, you're here, which means you must be ready to answer at least some of my questions," Paris said a little more gently. She pulled out a chair for Rory to sit down beside her. "I'm not judging you; I'm just trying to understand how this happened. If you still love Logan, and he loves you, why not just be together?"

"It's not that simple."

"Explain. Everything. From the beginning."

Rory took a deep breath. "After a few years in California, Logan's deal in Palo Alto went south, so he went back to London and immersed himself in the family business. He actually loves it there; he's really good at what he does.

"Anyway…I ran into him in San Diego in the early summer of 2008 when I was there with the Obama campaign –literally, I stepped out of the lineup in a coffee shop and stomped on his foot. He apologized for acting like he did after I said no to marrying him –he said he understood, that he had no hard feelings. I thanked him for hooking me up with Hugo, because it led to this amazing job I was on. We exchanged numbers and emails and started keeping in touch. It meant nothing. We were just friends, for the longest time."

"But at some point, things changed," Paris said knowingly.

"Yeah," Rory sighed. "It happened slowly –the –by the time we realized things were changing between us, he'd started dating Odette."

"The French socialite?"

"Yeah. He was in London. We Skyped and emailed. I was in London only a few times over the next few years for work –we barely actually _saw_ each other. This was way before _The New Yorker_ , or Naomi Shropshire. But we'd get together for dinner whenever I was there. We both felt things building between us. Then, one day he just kissed me. Everything just fell into place and once we crossed that line, we couldn't go back."

"When was this?"

"I don't know, late in 2012 was the first time, I think."

"But what did he say about Odette? How could you get involved with him if you knew he was with someone else?" Paris pressed.

"Because love –life and love aren't always logical, Paris," Rory shot back sharply. "I knew he was with someone else. I knew he genuinely cared for her –he still does. I don't doubt that he even loves her. Sure, he told me back in the fall that marrying her was the 'dynastic plan', but Logan's a grown man. He wouldn't marry a woman _just_ to please his family. He loves her."

"Okay, now I'm confused. Why are you championing Odette's plight?"

"I'm not! I'm just saying, it's –it's possible to love more than one person at the same time. Logan loves Odette. He also loves me. But the love he feels for me and the love he has for Odette –they're different."

"What about Paul? Didn't you care that you were deceiving him? How could you stay with him for _two years_ when you had so little regard for him, Rory? Forget the fact that you were already sleeping with Logan when the relationship started…"

Rory was shocked that Paris remembered Paul's actual name. "I don't know. Being with Paul was easy, he was a simple, uncomplicated, a slightly awkward and dorky guy. I know I should've broken up with him, I know I treated him horribly. I know this –but I can't answer that, Paris."

"How could Logan keep getting more serious about Odette if he loved _you_ so much? I still don't understand."

"I wasn't in London very much when we first started –"

"Sleeping together," Paris said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah. I was only there once a month, or every few months. Odette was based in Paris, so when I was in London, we could just –be. I didn't even feel like –"

"The other woman? Like it was an affair?"

Rory nodded her head silently. "We weren't just having sex… it took us a long time, but we worked through all our unresolved issues. We mended the fences –as you put it- and we realized we still loved each other. But we knew –with him being based in London and me being stateside, planning a future seemed unlikely. Logan told me he loved Odette in a completely different way than he loved me –and I believed him –I _do_ believe him."

"Hence, London becoming Vegas…"

"Hence, London becoming Vegas. Especially when I started travelling there frequently for my work with Naomi Shropshire in early 2015… all of our feelings just intensified. When my grandfather died –I –I latched onto him even more. My world was spinning out of control but he made me feel like I was –safe."

"But he was part of the problem."

"I know, but I –I preferred safety over reality. Even when he proposed to Odette, it didn't even bother me that much, because I knew his love for her and his love for me are different things –separate."

Paris sighed and rolled her eyes. "But Rory, that's the problem. It _should have_ bothered you. You should've either fought for your relationship with him or gotten the hell out of dodge. I don't know who you are –that Logan could love you at the same time he loves another woman, and you're fine with that –that he could _propose marriage_ to another woman and it barely ruffles your feathers. I thought I knew you better than most, but I don't know anything about _this_ Rory."

Rory said nothing –she just stared at her hands and tried not to cry.

"Now you're pregnant."

"Now I'm pregnant," she repeated in a small voice. "He's here you know. He came back to the States."

"But he's still engaged to Odette?"

"Yeah."

"Rory," Paris said sternly, "what the _fuck_ are you guys doing? You two need to make decisions and you need to make them _now_. What the hell is gonna happen when you have this baby? Is he still going to marry Odette and keep you and the kid as his family on the side?"

Rory couldn't tell Paris why, even though she knew that she and Logan had some tough decisions to make, they couldn't start making them yet. She couldn't tell Paris one of the biggest reasons why their crossroads was at a standstill.

"Are you sure it's his?"

"What?" Rory asked in surprise. "What're you talking about?"

"Well, are you sure it couldn't be Paul's, or someone else's that you've slept with?"

"Paris, that's –"

"Did you have chorionic villus sampling?" Paris asked.

"No. I missed the window."

"An amniocentesis would –"

"I know. The doctor offered. I said no."

" _Why_?"

"Because I didn't want it, okay?" Rory shot back. "I can barely put one foot in front of the other right now… I can't –"

"Okay, fine," Paris said quietly, laying her hand over Rory's.

"This is such a mess."

"Well –I won't lie to you and say that it's not, that's for sure."

"How could we –how could I let this happen?" Rory cried.

"I don't agree with what you've done," Paris said carefully. "But the way you explained it –I can understand how –why you did what you did –even if it is ethically and morally grey. You're human. Sometimes, humans get themselves into glorious messes. It's like you said: love isn't logical –not even for you, the great Rory Gilmore who was always logical to a fault. I can understand it, but that doesn't change the mess itself. You and Logan still have some decisions to make –hard ones."

"I know," Rory whispered. If only Paris knew…

"The second that baby is born, you _need_ to get a DNA test. Logan –and whoever else, they have to agree Rory. It's going to take six to eight weeks to come back, and you _need_ to know as soon as you can."

"I know. And they –they will. Could you –could you be the one to do it?"

"Don't you have an OBGYN?"

"I do, but you're –Paris, please?" Rory asked. She knew this meant that Paris would be one of the first of many to become aware of Jess' stake in the predicament, but by the time the baby was born, the secret as a secret hardly seemed to matter; if it was to be kept until they knew who the father was, widening the circle of people who knew the truth –even slightly- seemed to be inevitable. Paris would be shocked, of course –but that seemed a small price to pay. This was important, and Rory would feel better if it were in the hands of a friend she trusted. She found herself thanking the universe that Paris chose to go to Harvard Med. "I'll tell the doctor, get you clearance –please?"

"Of course I will, if that's what you really want. You know that," Paris answered.

"Thank you. And you thought that not getting into Harvard Undergrad was cosmic cruelty for having sex…" Rory chuckled.

"She joked! Don't make me go back to those memories Rory, my psychiatrist is on vacation," Paris said with a wry smile.

"Sorry. But it's true. I finally got mine. It's way worse than yours –you still got to go to Harvard, just later than you thought. Me? My whole life is upside down now, and it's gonna end up staying that way."

"No it won't. Eventually, you'll right everything and it'll balance out. You'll just have a new normal."

"I'm still not sure I'm ready. It still feels like a nightmare," Rory sighed

Paris narrowed her eyes and stared at her friend's growing belly. "Well then, that kid of yours needs to kick you harder so that you wake the hell up. By my visual estimation, you have about four months to realize that clicking your heels and whispering 'There's no place like home' isn't going to accomplish anything."


	14. Chapter 14

"This is such crap," Rory scowled as she watched the scene unfolding before her on television.

"What's crap?" Logan asked. "What do you mean? You love _Buffy_ to a fault."

It was a few days after Rory's latest trip to Brooklyn and roughly two weeks after Logan had first appeared at the Gilmore's doorstep. By now, Logan's presence was known after everyone became suspicious of the fancy car that was perpetually in the driveway, that Rory was seen getting in and out of. No one in Stars Hollow wanted him there. Consequently, if Logan wanted to see Rory and she wasn't up for leaving town, he'd run into the house and hide out with her.

On the television screen, an emotional scene was unfolding between Buffy and Giles, after Angel has lost his soul and started tormenting Buffy and everyone dear to her.

_"You must be so disappointed in me," Buffy says tearfully._

_"No, no. No, I'm not," Giles assures her._

_"But this is all my fault."_

_"No, I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did, and I can. I know that you loved him. And he –has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are going to –are going to be hard… I –I suspect on all of us… but if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is –is my support, and my respect."_

"It's crap because she was in love with a vampire with a soul, who went all evil after they had sex. Now he wants to torment and kill everyone and Giles is all, 'Tally ho, you will have my support and my respect…' It's bullshit. He's her Watcher –he should acknowledge her culpability and hold her to it," Rory sighed.

Logan laughed. "But she didn't know Angel would turn evil. If she did, she wouldn't've slept with him."

"That doesn't matter. Sex has consequences. Buffy may be blonde, but she's smart. She should've known better."

"To quote Giles from another episode we've watched recently, your subtext is rapidly becoming text, Ace."

"Sorry. Parallels are hard to overlook at this point."

"You're pregnant, Rory. And no one turned evil on you," Logan whispered. "And no one hates you either, you still have people's respect."

"Don't be so sure of that…"

"Quiet. I am sure of that. Me, on the other hand… people _do_ want dead. So, let me take the body shots, okay? I can't do much, but I can do that."

"You surprise me…" Rory said quietly. "Still. You can still surprise me." Suddenly, she jumped.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I just… give me your hand."

Logan offered Rory his hand and she took it, placing it on her belly. When he felt a kick, his eyes went wide and he smiled. "Strong kid. Just like Mom."

Upstairs in the master bedroom, Luke was pacing back and forth angrily. "He's a punk."

"He's not," Lorelai said.

"He is. He's a liar. And a punk. A punk who got Rory pregnant."

"I don't disagree –generally. But it took two people for Rory to get pregnant. If he was _that_ much of a punk, would he be here right now?"

"I don't care if –he tricked her, that's what he did. 'All is forgiven, I love you, I want to be with you, but oh! I don't want to leave London.' She was a helpless victim to his perfectly tousled blond hair and his tiny dimples and his charm –and he knew it –he used it to get her into bed! He's a punk, Lorelai. And I want to throw him out of my house," Luke spat. "We need to buy a new couch. The one he's sitting on needs to be tossed in a bonfire."

Lorelai suppressed a giggle. She loved it when Luke got super protective over Rory. "Look, I know it's a lot, but we have to deal with it, okay? He's here and as much as we may not like him it's a good thing that he showed up –that he's trying to do the right thing by Rory."

"When the hell did you get so calm and level-headed? He got your daughter pregnant!"

"I know. And I have –feelings about it of the non-flowery variety, trust me. Rory knows how thrown I am by all this and eventually, Logan will know too. But she is an adult –and for right now? He's here, he's trying to do the right thing and that's good. If him being here can help Rory out of her haze, or even if he can just support her while she's in it –that's good enough for me right now. There's plenty of time for me to give him a piece of my mind –and trust me, I will. But right now, I think everyone else has that covered. The man is sufficiently spooked. I can wait and pull a sneak attack later."

"I hate him. I hate him and his Ken Doll hair and his charming façade. I want to punch him."

"I know."

"He's not good enough for Rory. Everything she's going through –has been going through –he just makes it all worse."

"Again, I'm not particularly inclined to disagree with you –but just out of curiosity, who _is_ good enough for Rory?" Lorelai asked.

"No one," Luke seethed.

When Logan was leaving an hour later, as he and Rory walked outside he noticed rotten fruit all over his windshield, splattered tomatoes and sour oranges dripping everywhere. To his door, someone taped a note: _Go back to London pretty boy. Rory doesn't need you. You've done enough_.

"Oh my God," Rory gasped. "Logan, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Logan assured her. "I was prepared for this. I knew this would happen. Look, as long as _you're_ not the one throwing rotting fruit at me and telling me to leave –as long as you still want me here, I'm staying, okay? I can deal with the wrath of Stars Hollow."

"Are you sure? They won't let up…"

"I'm sure," he smiled, kissing her cheek. "See you soon, Ace. Take care, okay?"

"Yeah," Rory sighed, "you too."

As Logan ducked into his rented BMW, he noticed Babette and her husband standing on their porch with Miss Patty –glaring at him. When he acknowledged them with a friendly smile, they narrowed their eyes. He saw Rory get agitated by their obvious distain. "Ace, it's okay. My parents are Mitchum and Shira Huntzberger, remember? I was _born_ with the unique fortitude to withstand whatever this town can throw at me –literally. They're just trying to protect you."

Lorelai was watching the scene in the driveway unfold from her bedroom window upstairs. "Oh my God! What's all over his car? Are those tomatoes? Luke!"

Luke came up behind her and peered out the window, chuckling at what he saw.

"Did you do that?"

"No," Luke said honestly, "I didn't."

* * *

Jess was at Ella's, about to settle in with her for an _Angel_ marathon when his phone rang. He was going to ignore it, as he had done for the last few days, but then he saw who was calling.

"Nice," Ella laughed, seeing the contact name YALE YUPPIE light up her friend's cellphone screen. "Who is that?"

"The other guy," Jess sighed.

"Oh. How's the mature, civilized approach going with him, anyway?"

"Okay so far. But I have a feeling that's about to be put to the test."

"Better you than me."

"You're funny," Jess rolled his eyes, getting up to take the call. "Hello?"

"Hey! It's Logan."

"Yeah… I know. What's up?"

"I was just wondering… do you wanna get a beer?" Logan asked.

"When?"

"Now-ish. I can pick you up, I'm just outside the city."

"Oh," Jess fumbled in surprise. "Now? I'm not at the office. I'm not even home –I'm with a friend. We were just sitting down to –"

"Jess, come on man. I wouldn't ask if I didn't –they threw tomatoes at my car," Logan said slowly.

"They –what? Who?"

"Who do you think?"

Jess couldn't help but laugh. "Seriously? Sorry –I know that shouldn't be funny, but –"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Hilarious. Please. An hour, tops. Will your friend be mad?"

"Not with _me_ …"

"Of course not," Logan sighed.

"Fine," Jess relented. "Where should I meet you? … Yeah, fine, okay. See you soon."

Ella rolled her eyes as soon as Jess hung up the phone and looked at her with pained, apologetic eyes. "You have got to be kidding me."

"I couldn't make this up if I tried."

"Are you serious? You don't have to go! You don't _want_ to go –do you?"

"El," Jess sighed. "They threw tomatoes at his car. He needs to vent."

Ella burst out laughing and soon Jess was cackling right along with her. "Fine, but you owe me."

"I'll come back with food," Jess promised. "Do _not_ watch _A Hole in the World_ while I'm gone. I can't come back to you in tears."

"You get emotional too, tough guy. You know Fred's death rips your heart out. Don't act like it doesn't."

"She didn't deserve to die!"

"People Joss Whedon decides to kill rarely do. That's why he does it. Before you go –at least watch Angel and Spike bicker like old ladies over cavemen versus astronauts."

"Twist my rubber arm," he smirked, plunking down on the couch next to Ella.

On the screen, Angel and Spike, two tough-guy, centuries old vampires were engaging in a catty fight.

_"It's bullocks, Angel! It's your brand of bullocks, from first to last!" Spike yells, throwing up his hands._

_"You can't ever see the big picture," Angel retorts, his voice rising higher, "you can't see ANY picture!"_

_"I am talking about something primal! Right? Savagery! Brutal, animal instinct!"_

_"And that wins out with you every time with you! You know, the human race has EVOLVED, Spike!" Angel yells, inches away from his face._

_Spike rolls his eyes, following Angel around the expansive office when Angel turns his back on him, making faces and dramatic gestures as he speaks. "Oh! Into a bunch of namby-pamby, self-analyzing wankers who could never hope to overcome pure aggression."_

_"We're bigger. We're smarter. Plus, there's a thing called teamwork –not to mention the superstitious terror of your 'pure aggressors'."_

_"You just want it to be the way you want it to be."_

_"It's not about what I want!" Angel snaps back, whipping around to face Spike and breathe down his neck._

_"Sorry," Wesley says slowly as he enters the office, having lost a bet to Gunn, who refused to break up the fight. "Is this something we should all be discussing?"_

_"No," Angel says._

_"It just, sounds rather serious."_

_"It was mostly… theoretical, we –"_

_"We were just working out a –if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?" Spike asks Wesley._

_"Ah," Wesley says, disbelieving. "You've been yelling at each other for forty minutes about this… Do the astronauts have weapons?"_

_"No," Angel and Spike say in unison._

"So," Ella said, pausing the show, "who would win? Cavemen or astronauts?"

"That depends," Jess answered. "Are we talking in general, or you versus me? Cuz either way, if you're an astronaut, then astronauts win. If you're a cave…. woman… cavepeople win."

"You're giving me a lot of credit there, buster."

"No. I'm telling the truth. You'd kick my ass."

"But I can't even kick," Ella winked.

Jess laughed. "You'd figure out how. And when you did, you'd make sure you kicked. My. Ass."

"But why would I do that? It's so pretty."

"You have no idea what my ass looks like."

"Nope, I don't. But your jeans probably don't lie. And I've got a good imagination."

"Fine. You'd beat me. And then put my ass on display so that you could stare at it for the rest of your life."

"Yes I would. But you still haven't answered the original question. Cavemen or astronauts?"

"I don't know, actually. Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I get back."

"Ask the Yale Yuppie what he thinks," Ella said as Jess walked out the door.

"Why?" Jess asked.

"I don't know… it just seems like the type of inconsequential, seemingly random thing that could tell you a lot about a person, depending on what their answer was."

"Like what –what could it possibly tell you about a person you know nothing about? You don't even know his name. What could his answer to caveman versus astronaut reveal to you?"

"I don't know," Ella shrugged. "It would tell me something, though. I'd figure it out."

* * *

"So, they really threw tomatoes at your car, huh?" Jess asked by way of introduction when he sat down.

"Yeah, they really did. It smells like a rotting garden," Logan sighed. "Luke was looking at me sideways the whole time –"

"Nah. It wasn't him."

"Well maybe he told someone to –"

"Nah. Luke would just punch you," Jess laughed.

"How can you be sure?" Logan asked.

"He's my uncle, that's how. I was the subject of his rage for years."

"He hit you?"

"No, of course not! He's my uncle! He wouldn't hit me –he wanted to though, I could see it in his eyes. I used to be _proud_ of evoking that look in his eyes. You? He doesn't give two shits about you – _and_ he hates you. Trust me, Luke wouldn't waste time throwing rotting fruit on your car. He'd just punch you."

"You're enjoying this a little too much," Logan said wryly.

"Hey man, you volunteered to be at the center of the circus. Bull's eye's on your back now, pal."

"You didn't exactly warn me about the nature of the circus, or the bull's eye…"

"Why –exactly- would I do that?" Jess asked sarcastically. "Listen, tenuous peace deal and possible strained friendship borne out of desperation aside, I wouldn't be human –or me- if I didn't derive some perverse pleasure out of your current situation. You were under no obligation to show your face –you did. I am under no obligation to be a sympathetic ear –but here I am. I am under no obligation to protect you, Little Miss. So if I find the antics you get caught up in to be funny, I'm gonna laugh –you know why? It's not me for once, that's why. I'll let you vent all you want and not tell a soul, but I refuse to bottle my emotions –whatever they happen to be. And right now, I feel glee."

Logan was fleetingly caught off guard by Jess' brutal honesty. There was something about his unapologetic candour that he had to respect. "That's… fair –I guess."

"Really? You really think it's fair?"

"Would you rather I think it wasn't?"

"No. Just –has no one ever been unapologetically honest with you there, Nancy-boy?"

Logan narrowed his eyes.

"All right, I'm sorry," Jess sighed. "I take back the Nancy-boy part."

"It's fair because if the situation were reversed I can't say I wouldn't derive pleasure from watching you squirm either," Logan answered evenly.

Jess raised his beer bottle. "Now that's a sentiment I can respect. Just be thankful it wasn't deviled eggs."

"I'm sorry?"

"Your car."

"Someone –?"

"Devil egged my car. Yup. Two someones, actually –I think. Stunk for weeks. And that's a way worse smell than fruit."

"How long are they gonna –?"

"That depends. If the kid's yours –the better part of your life, probably. If it's mine –well, you'll be having no shortage of chuckles at my expense." Jess sighed. "How is she?"

"Quiet," Logan answered. "Less withdrawn, but still not –she's pretty bitter. Pissed at me, pissed at you, pissed at herself. She was cursing out a _Buffy_ episode earlier today."

"Well –that's –I'm not sure what that is, actually. Oh! Hey! That reminds me –in a fight between cavemen and astronauts, who would win?"

"I have no idea –does it matter?"

"Apparently."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"I'll get back to you, then," Logan said quizzically. "Do the astronauts have weapons or something?"

"Absolutely not," Jess said sharply. "You're not a Whedonite, are you?"

"What?"

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, which means you aren't a Joss Whedon connoisseur."

"I've only seen what Rory's shown me. I could never really get into it. You really want an answer, don't you? Cavemen versus astronauts?"

"Yes actually, I do."

"Why? Is that the hidden key to my psyche or something?" Logan asked.

"I don't know," Jess shrugged. "Maybe."

* * *

"Where have you been?" Ella shrieked.

"Sorry, he was chatty. Why are you so shrieky? I've been late before," Jess said, sighing when he saw her bloodshot eyes. "Damn it El! I told you not to watch the episode through. Why didn't you just pick another one and wait until I got back? You had over a hundred to choose from."

"Shut up. You left me to go have a beer with the enemy. You know when I'm left to self-sooth I make destructive decisions."

"I know, but really –you couldn't've just fallen over in the bathroom or something?"

"No –there'd be no one to pick me up."

"You knew I was coming back. I would've found you eventually," Jess winked. "I know where the spare key is."

"You wish," Ella shot back.

"To find you keeled over in the bathroom? No thanks. Don't get me wrong, I'd never actually leave you there for fear of my own pride or dignity, but –"

"Oh good –because in a situation that has me yelling for you from a bathroom, I'd be so _terribly_ concerned about your dignity. Did you bring food?"

"Pad Thai. Still mad at me?"

"Less."

Jess handed Ella a container full of food and put his cellphone down on her coffee table. "Shit, wait. Let me get you an real fork. Actually, let me take it and cut the noodles too. Drink?"

"Just water," she answered. Jess' cellphone was lying face up and when it rang, she cocked her head. "Mariano?"

"Yes dear?" he laughed.

"Why is Hepburn calling you?"

"What?"

Ella held up his phone as it continued to buzz, lighting up with a picture of Jess hugging a beautiful woman with delicate features and long raven hair, tied to her head in a messy bun. Her dark eyes sparkled from behind large glasses and freckles dotted her tanned skin. "Hepburn. As in Audrey. Not actual Audrey Hepburn, a-la _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ –a-la your ex, the one you call Hepburn because it's endearing and sickeningly adorable. The one you still can't decide how much you love. Hasn't this off-again phase stuck? When did she start calling you?"

"Off and on for the last month," Jess admitted, walking back over and giving Ella her food and water before sitting down. "More in the last week."

"And you haven't answered?"

"Nope."

"Like –at all?"

"Nope."

"Why the hell not?"

"Really? You're seriously asking that question?"

"But –" Ella faltered. "Okay, so your life closely resembles a mini-soap opera of late –I know that. But you notice I didn't question that you love her –I just speculated as to how much. Jess –it's Hepburn –you love her."

"What's your point?" Jess asked with a sigh.

"Okay, now it's my turn –seriously?"

"Yes. Seriously. We were broken up when shit went down with Rory –so broken up that what I did with her can't be shrugged off as rebounding. Conveniently for me, this also means I don't owe Audrey any kind of explanation. I wasn't cheating on her. She doesn't know _anything_ happened, nor do I need to tell her that anything did. She started calling me again a month ago. A month ago, when the mess I'm currently involved in had already very well established itself."

"But –"

"But nothing, El. What would it please you to hear?" Jess yelled.

"Jess…"

"What? What do you want me to tell you? Do you want the truth? Yes –I love her. No, I have no idea how much, or if we can make it work. Happy? I love her, but I can't just _give it another go_ this time to see if it finally sticks. I could be a _father_ in about four months. A _father!_ Rory will barely talk to me –I can still only barely talk to her –outside of her stupid book, I've got nothing –unless something perilous is happening. I'm reduced to having beer with Logan –"

"Logan?"

"The other guy."

"Right."

"El," Jess sighed. "I don't want to ignore Hepburn's calls. But I'm in no place to answer them, either. I can't involve her in this. I can't ask that of her. I don't even have any fucking clue if I'd _want_ to ask that of her. If we were more recently broken up –if Rory could in any way be classified as a 'rebound' fuck, then I'd have to consider telling her and letting her decide what she could or couldn't, or wanted to or didn't want to handle. If things were even slightly different –you or even someone else could make the case that she may have the right to know. But she doesn't. Whether or not she knows depends on if I _choose_ to tell her. And I choose not to. If I answer that phone, then I have to tell her something –I can't just wait and only tell her _if_ there's something to tell her. If I don't answer the phone, the worst that'll happen is she'll eventually deduce that I don't feel like making nice and she'll stop calling sooner or later –it wouldn't be the first time."

Ella smiled sadly and reached for Jess' phone, shutting it off. "Okay. You're right. It's your call. But just to be clear –if your life weren't so dramatic right now, I'd take matters into my own moderately useless hands –"

"But only one of your hands is moderately useless."

"I'd take matters into my fully functional left hand and moderately useless right hand and make you two hash this out."

"Yes, I know," Jess smirked, reaching out to push Ella's glasses up on her nose. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now, we're watching _A Hole in the World_ again."

"Why? Didn't you _just_ watch it?"

"Yes, but now you're here to comfort me, so I can really let my emotions out."

"Of course."

"Hey, did you ask…" Ella faltered.

"Logan," Jess said.

"Did you ask him? Cavemen or astronauts?"

"I did. He asked me if the astronauts had weapons."

Ella chuckled. "Amateur."

"He also wanted to know why I needed an answer. He asked me if it held the secret key to his psyche."

"What'd you say?"

"I said I didn't know –but maybe it did."

"What'd he say to that?"

"He said he'd get back to me."

"Do you believe him?" Ella asked.

"Maybe," Jess said truthfully. "And believe me, 'maybe', when it comes to Logan –'maybe' ain't nothing."


	15. Chapter 15

"Jesus Paris, why'd you bring me here?" Rory sighed.

"Because you need things," Paris answered.

"I need things?"

"For that child I'm still not entirely sure you're aware that you're carrying. I popped two of those suckers out of me. I still have a bunch of their crap in the attic. Come on."

"The _attic_? You're not gonna make me walk all the way up there, are you?"

"You bet your ass I am… I bet you'll realize you're pregnant with an actual human being about halfway up the first flight and never be able to forget it again."

"I think I understand why all the kids' nannies quit."

"You're lucky I'm not making you wear my heels. Let's go."

"Historic colonial brownstone my ass," Rory grumbled. "What if I fall?"

"I am a doctor, you know. I could _probably_ make sure you and your child survive," Paris snapped back.

When Paris heard that Rory was running _The Stars Hollow Gazette_ for a meagre twelve hundred dollars a month, she insisted that Rory come to New York the very next week, to be loaded up with hand-me-downs. The fact that Rory insisted she was fine –Woodbury was giving her an additional one hundred and fifty a week to manage their paper's newsroom, and she was already getting plenty of hand-me-downs from Lorelai and Lane- only made Paris insist more belligerently, threatening to force her into the car the same way she'd barricaded the bathroom door at Chilton on career day –with the sharp end of her stiletto. Besides which, Paris could offer Rory more things, nicer things and things in better condition than she'd get from her mother or Lane.

After an afternoon of sorting, Rory came away with at least one onesie for each stage of infant growth, three burping blankets, a few handcrafted toys and rattles, two swaddling blankets and six full outfits – including shoes, socks and incidental accessories; three for each gender, on account of Rory not knowing what she was having.

"If you need bigger ticket items –crib, changing table, luxury diaper bag- let me know," Paris said. "Have Luke come by with his truck."

"Paris, you already gave me a diaper bag," Rory laughed.

"Yeah, but that was partially because you needed one to take your haul out of here. I'm talking about a nice diaper bag."

"You do realize that a diaper bag is for holding diapers, right?"

"Why are you mocking my charity, Gilmore?"

"I'm not."

"You are. Stop it or I won't be bringing that very valuable stroller by tomorrow."

"Paris –thank you. Really," Rory said, swallowing the lump in her throat as the selflessness of Paris' gesture truly hit her.

"You okay?" Paris asked, getting ready to morph into Doctor Geller mode.

"Yeah, I'm good. I just um, I guess it's never really hit me like this before…"

"What hasn't hit you?"

"I'm going to be a _mom_ ," she smiled softly, rubbing her belly affectionately. She laughed when she felt a kick. "Baby wants to thank you too. Oh God, Paris, some example I'll be to this kid, huh? Maybe I should start whispering to it that it should request a better make and model of mom as soon as it arrives –maybe subliminal messaging works on the unborn."

"You'll be fine," Paris said with uncharacteristic tenderness. "I know you will."

"How? How do you know?"

"You have lots of people who love you –lots of help –you won't be alone, and you certainly won't be the only person who loves your child. If Doyle and I could have kids who are well adjusted and don't have an overwhelming belligerent desire to trade us in for better parents, your kid definitely won't. You're uncharacteristically detached right now, but I can tell, that's changing slowly but surely. I may never admit this to you again –but it seems like you really need to hear it, so you'd be well advised to commit it to memory- you are one of the most loving, nurturing people I know and while I may normally consider that a weakness –that kid of yours is incredibly lucky. They wouldn't want to trade in on having you as a parent, even if they were able to.

"You wanna know what's happening right now, Gilmore –why you're suddenly chocked up? You're still not ready for this, you're still spinning over how you found yourself here and you're mad, you're depressed, you're scared –but not _that_ mad, not _that_ depressed –not as much as you were even last week. As much as I've just told you your kid would be crazy to want to trade you in –delusional to think they could find a _better_ mother- you're realizing that you would never want to trade that kid in either. I bet you've even started talking to your belly before you go to sleep at night. And as much as you're terrified, you're starting to get excited to meet that kid that you –and probably Logan, but maybe a mystery man- have made," Paris said sincerely.

"Thanks Paris," Rory whispered, wiping a tear from her eye as she ducked inside her car.

* * *

"Hey Hun! How was Paris? Why are you out of breath?" Lorelai asked when Rory got home.

"She made me walk all the way up to her attic to look at baby stuff. Her house has a lot of stairs," Rory sighed, the diaper bag weighing her shoulder down uncomfortably.

"In your delicate –I mean, your ankles are starting to swell, what is she, heartless? What am I talking about –it's Paris, of course she's heartless."

"She's not heartless Mom –it's not like I haven't deserved the tough love. She'll be very disappointed to know that the woman she thinks of as a second mother would speak of her in such a way…"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I take it back! Paris is my favouritest frenemy that you've ever made!"

"There's been more than one?"

"No, but she's still your bestest frenemy ever! Please don't tell her."

"I won't. Ugh, why does it smell like paint in here?" Rory asked, noting that the smell got stronger as she approached her bedroom.

"We started as soon as you left, Luke was sure the smell would've mostly dissipated by now."

Rory looked at her mother warily. "You started what? What are you talking about?"

Lorelai smiled and stepped ahead of Rory to open her bedroom door. Inside, along the same wall that a year ago held an oversized clothing rack, was the crib from when Rory was a baby. "I had Luke fish it out of the attic while you were at Paris' this morning; it was the crib Mia found at the Independence Inn after I first showed up with you –she let me keep it. When the Independence Inn closed, I had Luke help me store it in the attic –I'm surprised it was still up there –relatively unscathed after all the renovations this place has been through. Luke painted it with a fresh stain this morning, that's what the stench is. We opened your window to help air it out, but we wanted you to find it in here when you got home."

Rory eased the bag off her shoulder and felt her eyes well up with tears. Just as she was about to run over to her mother to embrace her, when she turned around to face the door she noticed something neatly folded on her bed. "Is that –the quilt you made from all my old baby clothes?" she whispered.

"Yeah."

"But –you love that thing. It lives on your bed, it's your security blanket –your remembrance of days past."

"Well luckily for me it can still be those things and I can still love it without having to part with it –it's not like it's leaving the house. Besides, you need it more than I do, considering you'll have an actual baby. I wanted to put it in the crib, but it's still wet, so. I figure you can wrap your baby up in the blanket made of your baby clothes until… until you can make the little nugget a blanket out of their own clothes as a keepsake for when they're older."

"But Mom, I have no idea how to –"

"I can teach you."

"This is –this is wonderful," Rory cried, walking over to Lorelai and hugging her tightly. "Thank you. I don't deserve all this."

"Yes you do," Lorelai whispered into her daughter's hair. "Besides, deserving has nothing to do with it –the kid is going to need a place to sleep and a good oversized blanket for cuddling and keeping warm. Some stuff –a lot of stuff we'll buy, but some things –it's good to use things that have a history to them, you know? People aren't the only things capable of love. Heirlooms have no shortage of love to share –your child deserves to be surrounded by some significant keepsakes from Mom's baby days, don't you think?"

"I don't –I wish people would stop being so nice. I've been pretty awful."

"Yeah, you have –but I think it's starting to dawn on you."

"What is?"

"How significantly your life is about to change. Rory, your life has been a mess for a while and you still have a long way to go. I don't intend to pretend like all is well with you –it's not. The fact that you're pregnant at all –let alone how, and by whom... it all spells less than ideal and all is not forgiven and forgotten, but maybe –maybe focusing on the joy of what's about to happen as opposed to being weighed down by the doubt, the uncertainty –maybe focusing on the joy of the situation will help you find some of your own joy. It's not a foolproof plan, but it's worth a try. That baby's coming, so we may as well focus on the fun parts of getting ready for it as much as we can."

"What if I'm a terrible failure? What if I'm not cut out to be a mom?" Rory asked quietly.

"Imagine how I felt when I was sixteen and pregnant with you. I left my parents and everything I knew –I had no idea how to take care of myself, let alone a child. I got pregnant under less than ideal circumstances too. I was convinced I'd end up killing you accidentally somehow, or that Mia would call Child Protective Services and have you taken away from me, given to a family who knew how to look after a child –instead, she took me in, gave me a job and a place to live and taught me how to have confidence in my ability to look after you on my own. It wasn't always luxurious, or easy and there were plenty of days I cried myself to sleep after you'd gone to bed. I questioned my ability to be a good mother every day. I doubted that I was –constantly, especially in the early years and even well beyond that. You were not in the plan your grandparents had made for my life, Rory –and until I found out that I was pregnant, you weren't in my plans either," Lorelai paused. "You may have been unplanned but you are the best – _the best_ thing that's ever happened to me. If I could go back, knowing what I know about how my life turned out, I would endure even my darkest and loneliest days –time and time and time again.

"Your baby was unplanned. Life has thrown you curveballs and it's been –admittedly- a very long time since you were in a good place, since you've felt optimistic, capable and in any way like you have the _slightest_ idea what you're doing. I know that's been hard for you –Rory Gilmore, lover of lists and plans, to suddenly be without one and to have been knocked down so many times by a life which you thought you had all figured out. And I know that seems like the worst reality or psychological mindset to be in when you're about to bring a baby into this world. I know this for a fact, because you are _my_ daughter, and thirty-two years ago, I _was_ you. I was scared, alone, broke, unemployed and pregnant and I was convinced I'd be the worst mother ever, because what kind of life could I possibly provide for my child? But then, through the kindness of strangers and _a lot_ of hard work, I put a roof over our heads; I had a job that didn't pay much, but was enough. You know what else I had, Rory?"

"What?" Rory asked quietly.

"I had you," Lorelai smiled softly. "As soon as you came into this world I knew what I had to find the fight in me to do –give my baby a good life. I knew it would be hard but I chose not to give you up, I _wanted_ to keep you because I knew even through my darkest days, all I needed to do was look at you or hear you laugh to remind me why I was doing everything I was doing –because I loved you more than anything I'd ever loved in my whole life, and there was no way I was going to let you down. So yes, you were unplanned –in those early years I was scared shitless most of the time. But even if I had the chance, I wouldn't do anything differently –you understand? You're lost right now, but I promise you, as much as having a baby and raising a child is scary, the instant you hold that kid in your arms and you realize your only job in life is to raise them well, love them, keep them safe –whatever in you still needs shifting _will_ shift.

"I'm sure everyone in this town expects me to talk some sense into you and I've been trying –but at the end of the day it's not me who's going to be able to open your eyes to the truths and responsibilities and the joys and sorrows of parenthood. Your child will do all of that more effectively than I ever could –a lot of it will happen the instant you hold your baby in your arms and you realize that you're not the most important thing anymore, your child is. In one instant you'll realize that you never understood the true meaning of love before they placed your baby in your arms. It'll be a hard, long road and it will be frustrating and you will have setbacks, but you _will_ do whatever it takes to give your child the best life they can possibly have."

"I know you'll be a great mother Rory; you just can't quite believe it of yourself right now. But that's okay –you're getting there, I can see you are. You've still got time. And with motherhood there's always a certain amount of faking it until you make it anyway –but you _will_ make it, you will be a great mother –no matter how messed up and less than ideal the circumstances of your pregnancy are –the child you'll get at the end of it will be the best thing that ever happened to you. I know it, because that's exactly what happened to me," Lorelai whispered, pulling Rory into a tight hug.

As Rory and Lorelai were coming out of the bedroom a few minutes later, Luke walked into the kitchen. He saw the looks on their faces and hoped they'd been crying good tears, not bad ones. "Did she see the –" he started to say.

"Yeah," Rory smiled, looking into Luke's eyes. "I saw."

"Sorry the stain's still wet… I wanted it to be a surprise, but not the kind that stunk up your room. I just figured –better for you to find it in there, where it's supposed to be, rather than in the middle of the living room floor."

"Don't be sorry, it's fine –it's perfect, Luke. Thank you."

"You're welcome," Luke whispered, reaching out quickly to swat Rory's tears away with his finger. "You'll figure everything out, Rory."

"I guess."

"Hey kid," Lorelai whispered. "Let's go shopping tomorrow. Get some of the other stuff you'll need."

"I'm supposed to go to Lane's, she's giving me a bunch of stuff from when the twins were babies."

"We'll go the day after tomorrow, then."

"Okay. Sounds good."

* * *

Rory spent most of the following day with Lane, talking about everything except why they were sorting through Steve and Kwan's old baby things. Rory told Lane how she was faring with spearheading two papers in one, how excited she was for the extra six hundred dollars a month from the good people of Woodbury and how her book was coming along. The publishing company behind her book was a subject that was strategically avoided –by name, anyway.

Lane was skeptical when Rory started detailing the pre-release appearances she'd be starting soon. "You're gonna be like, seven months pregnant by then, Rory; you can't really travel that much."

"It's not that much –just Brooklyn and Philadelphia, maybe a few other places in New York and then stuff right here in Connecticut," Rory replied.

"I don't know –maybe it was different for me because I was pregnant with twins, but you still can't –even the three or so hour drive to Philadelphia, you're immobile for a long time and you could get blood clots. Even what you're talking about –a very small and well controlled press junket –it's stressful Rory. Too stressful to be happening so late in your pregnancy. Have you told your doctor your plans?"

"No."

"When you do, she'll tell you that it's too much."

"Do I really need to tell her? It's my business –my life."

Lane eyed her friend carefully. "You're starting to feel it already –the swelling, the aches and pains. You're starting to waddle instead of walk. You're what –six and a half months? I give you one more week until you can't compensate for it, or hide your fatigue anymore. You'll wake up and realize that you have no energy. You'll start sweating –a lot, because it's coming on summer and you're carrying a child, which means your body is a furnace. All you'll want to do is nest and eat –more than you usually do."

Rory shook her head. "I'll be able to push through it."

"No, you won't. And even if you can, your doctor won't let you. You haven't told your mom either, have you? She'd have a fit. You have to tell your doctor, at least –if you don't, and something happens… Jess –the rest of the guys at Truncheon –you have to rethink your plan."

"We've already rethought the plan and adjusted."

"Well, you'll need to do it again."

"We can't! I can't!" Rory yelled suddenly. "I need this book to come out, Lane, I need –"

"Rory," Lane sighed, rubbing her friend's back. "If you've been able to keep writing and it's ready to come out –"

"It is. It's on the final round of revisions. Greg says it'll be ready for release the first week in May."

"It can still be released. You can still reap the financial benefits. You can still promote it –but you _need_ to rethink how to do that. I know you need this for –but what good will it do you if, by pushing yourself to get this thing out and off to the races to help provide for your kid, you end up harming your kid? I know your book will be amazing Rory –but it's not worth jeopardizing your health and the health of your baby. No book is worth that."

Rory sighed. "Nothing is working out like I thought it would."

"Things will still work out –they can. But you –I know you're doing everything right, physically. You're taking care of yourself but –you're essentially ignoring that you're pregnant, you're carrying on like you're not and you can't keep doing that. You _are_ pregnant, and that means you have to do things differently. Talk to your doctor, maybe she'll have some suggestions for how you can still promote your book –safely," Lane smiled.

After several hours and some heavy conversation, Rory came away from Lane's stocked up on bottles, blankets, toys, books, homemade baby food recipes and a high chair.

* * *

"You came," Rory said in surprise the next day.

"Well, yeah," Logan smiled. "You told me you were shopping for baby stuff. You invited me, which –thank you. But –why is it so surprising that I'd take you up on your offer to be part of it?"

"I don't know, I just thought –"

"Logan!" Lorelai said with a smile that was too big, a tone that was too friendly. "You made it! It's so nice that you could take the time out and come with us."

"Yeah, I'm glad I could –"

"I'm just going to grab a water bottle, I'll be right back," Rory said.

"Okay. Lorelai, can I talk to you for a sec?" Logan asked when Rory disappeared. "Listen, I know no one's a big fan of me right now but –"

"It's good that you're here. It's good," Lorelai said sincerely.

"I'm glad you think so –I appreciate that. Lorelai, I'd like to pay for some of the things Rory picks out today –most of it even, if that's okay."

"Are you sure that's –"

"I have a credit card that's not connected to my family, or the business or –anything but me. No one sees the bills but me. No one can track them. It's fine. Listen, I know this stuff can get expensive –I know Rory's not making a lot, I know things are tight and babies are expensive. I can afford to help with this, at least. Please, could you let me? Do you think that'd be okay?"

Lorelai was caught off-guard by Logan's sincerity –his desperation to do something –anything to help. "Sure," she nodded. "Not everything though."

"No, of course not –but if she wants or needs something that you normally wouldn't be able to –let me. It's all right. Beyond that we can just –split it?" Logan asked carefully.

"Sounds good. Thank you, Logan."

"Why don't I follow you in my car, that way we have twice the trunk space to get some of the things back here."

"Sure. I like that plan."

Rory opted to ride with Lorelai to the store in Hartford, which was just as well. Logan needed to be alone in his car to make an important call. He had a plan.

"Hey, you got a sec?"

Jess snapped to attention when he heard Logan's voice. He got up to shut his office door. "Yeah, I'm good. What's up?"

"I'm going shopping with Rory and Lorelai –for the baby."

"Okay."

"I told Lorelai I'd help her pay for things –especially things Rory needs that might be hard for them to –"

"I get it," Jess sighed. "That's very nice of you. What does this have to do with me?"

"Well, you're part of this too," Logan said slowly.

"I don't mind being involved only from a distance –I prefer it actually," Jess said defensively. "It's better for everyone that way."

"Yeah, okay –fine. You have a point, but I know if you could, you'd probably want to be here too. I was thinking, if you can be discreet, I can text you pictures of stuff we see in the store –stuff Rory likes, stuff she needs. You can pick a few things you like –some things you'd like her to have and I can put them in the pile of stuff I'm paying for. You can pay me back later, and I'll tell Rory afterwards what things are from you. That way, you don't miss out on the experience of –I mean, the kid might be yours so I was just thinking it'd probably be nice if you could be a part of this, even though no one knows you're involved."

It took Jess a moment to process everything Logan had just said. Was he being –decent? Was he going out of his way to make sure Jess felt included? Had he really just correctly surmised what lay hidden under Jess' carefully crafted nonchalant exterior? "You'd… do that?" Jess asked slowly.

"Sure. You deserve to be part of this, if you want. If I can help you do that –why not? Do you want to –?"

"Yeah, no, of course I do. Thank you. Are you sure?"

"I trust you to pay me back," Logan smiled. "Unless you have a secret gambling problem and you're in the hole for thousands of dollars."

"I'm not."

"Good. Then yeah, it's totally fine. Just don't pick shit you can't actually afford."

"I won't," Jess promised. "This is –good of you. Thanks."

"Sure. You're welcome. Are you good if I send you pictures via text?"

"Yeah, Saturdays are quiet here. It'll be fine. Show me stuff that catches her eye and I'll pick a few things. You'll tell her –?"

"After, once we're alone. Of course."

"Thanks, Logan –really."

"You're welcome. Talk soon –watch your phone. Take it easy, Jess."

By the time Rory, Lorelai and Logan were through shopping, Rory was equipped with everything she needed –clothes, toys, a changing table, a rocking chair, a baby sling, a baby _carrier_ , a Diaper Genie, a baby monitor system and countless other things. Rory had no idea that everyone in Stars Hollow –even Emily- had chipped in to help Lorelai pay for everything she needed. This shopping trip was, in essence, Rory's baby shower.

Logan was successful in paying for the bigger ticket items –the rocking chair, the changing table, a car seat and a few other things. Jess received countless pictures from Logan and chose a baby sling, nursing blankets, bibs and an intricate mobile to hang in the baby's crib.

"Anyone hungry? We could get food on the way home," Lorelai suggested as they left the store.

"Yeah, that'd be good," Rory agreed.

"I'm not that hungry," Logan lied. "But you should call Luke –see if he'll join you."

"But they're delivering the big stuff same day, someone has to be home," Lorelai said.

"I'll go to your place and wait for them. They saw me in the store, half the stuff was paid for in my name, I'm sure I can sign for it," Logan offered. "If that's okay."

"Sure, I guess."

"Lorelai," Logan whispered, pulling her aside. "I wanna try and set everything up while you guys are out. Do you think you can make a day of it? Stretch it out and come back a little later?"

"You're really something," Lorelai said quietly, pressing a spare key into Logan's palm. "I kinda hate that you're making it so hard for me to hate you."

"Nah, it's not that hard –I still have a long way to go before I'm in the clear. I figure all of this –it's the least I can do."

"Well, it is a good start."

"Hey, it's me again," Logan said as he drove. "Can you get away?"

"Why?" Jess asked.

"Lorelai and Rory are going for food and I told Lorelai to have Luke join them and make a day of it. All the stuff is being delivered today –I wanted to set everything up while they're out so that Rory could come home to a room ready for baby –I figured you could help. I'll give you the all clear of when you can run in the house without being seen."

"Wow. I'm impressed. You're just full of surprises, aren't you? But there's one thing you neglected to consider."

"What?"

"Two guys setting up a baby's room is a recipe for disaster."

"Oh come on –it's not a whole room. It's not even a strange room. It's Rory's room –we're just rearranging shit and cramming more stuff in it. If she doesn't like it, I'll help her reconfigure it later. I just thought it would be nice for her to come home and have everything more or less set up. It'd go a lot faster if I had your help, man," Logan said.

Jess sighed. "Fine, but someone in town will have to help you get everything in the house. If _anyone_ sees me helping you carry loads of stuff into the Gilmore house, we're toast."

"Fair."

"Text me when the truck gets there and I'll hit the road. I can be there within an hour and a half. That'll give you time to get everything in the house before I even get there. I'll park somewhere close and walk… anyone sees my car in the driveway next to yours and we'll never hear the end of it. If anyone sees me, I'll tell them I left something at the house last time I was there and I came to pick it up."

"You're quite the planner too," Logan chuckled. "Sounds good."

"I'll wait to hear from you then."

* * *

Luckily, it was a grey, rainy day in early April, so when Jess walked up to the house and entered through the back door in the kitchen, his presence was undetected.

Discussing nothing but how the furniture needed to be rearranged to make everything fit and where things should go, Jess and Logan moved Rory's bed off to one side to give them more room and arranged the changing table against the wall next to a crib that was already there, the rocking chair went in the corner furthest from the door, the Diaper Genie was squeezed in on one end of the changing table and they piled everything else –the clothes, the bibs, the sling, the carrier and some of the soft toys- inside the crib and laid Lorelai's homemade quilt over top of it all. It was a tight fit, but Rory's room was now ready for her baby too.

Jess was glad to have been kept occupied and under a time crunch –he had no time to obsess over or even contemplate what took place the last time he found himself in Rory's room –which was directly connected to why he found himself there now with Logan, the last person on the planet he ever expected to have anything to do with, to get Rory's room ready for her baby –a baby that belonged to only one of them.

"So, I'm going back to London for Easter," Logan said out of nowhere, as they were putting the finishing touches on everything. "I'll be gone from the seventh to the twenty-first."

"Okay," Jess said.

"I just –thought you should know."

"Noted. Thanks."

"What'll you be doing for –?"

"Having dinner –here."

"Here?"

"Luke's my uncle. My mom lives here with her crazy husband –but, she was absorbed into a vegetable cult, so I won't have to bury the truth about my knowledge of Rory's baby _and_ deal with Liz –thank God."

Logan looked at Jess quizzically. "Should I even ask –"

"No."

"Got it."

"Sadly, I have ties in this town that extend beyond Rory."

"Sadly?"

"Growing up, I excessively didn't give a shit. Now I'm an adult and I actually matured. It makes not giving a shit a lot harder."

"Ah. That I can definitely understand," Logan said. "So, are we about done here? Looks like you'll be able to sneak back out as quietly as you snuck in."

"Just one more thing," Jess said, carefully securing the mobile he chose to the crib. Once that was done, he ran out into the kitchen and dug through his messenger bag and pulled out a picture book – _Oliver Twist_ reimagined and simplified for children. He went back into Rory's room and tucked the book carefully under the baby sling. "There. Now we're done."

"What's that about?" Logan asked, eying _Oliver Twist_.

"You won't have to tell Rory I was here, that I was part of this –she'll see that and she'll know."

* * *

Rory was stunned when she got home and saw her room –completely ready for her child. She looked at Logan and felt a lump rise in her throat.

"Come on, Ace," Logan smiled. "Let me show you how we arranged everything."

"We?" Rory whispered. "What do you mean, 'we'?"

Logan looked over Rory's shoulder to make sure Lorelai and Luke weren't in the kitchen. When he saw they were alone, he pointed inside the crib to _Oliver Twist_ , wrapped carefully in the baby sling Rory had chosen and Jess gifted to her. "We," he said quietly.

Rory looked at Logan in awe as tears spilled down her cheeks. "How?"

"Very discreetly."

In that moment, a switch inside Rory flipped. She realized how lucky she was to be surrounded by a family that –even though they were disappointed and shocked by the turn her life had taken- was nonetheless loving and supportive to a fault. Logan and Jess had formed the most unlikely, and yet the most united of united fronts –under impossible circumstances. And she was being distant and awful to both of them.

"I don't –I really can't believe you guys did all this. I don't deserve –all I've done is take stuff out on you. I've never appreciated how hard this must be for –for both of you," Rory whispered through her tears. "I'm so sorry, Logan. You both have been so much better to me than I –thank you."

Logan reached out to wipe Rory's tears away and pull her as close as her growing belly would allow. He held her head against his chest and whispered to her soothingly. "It's okay. You're welcome."

It would take more than one big gesture for Rory to completely snap out of her haze –much of the work she had to do could not be accomplished through the big gestures of others –she had a lot of work on herself that she had to do in order to get ready for the child that was coming. She knew she wouldn't be fully prepared by the birth –there wasn't enough time. As she stood in her room and saw all the work Jess and Logan had done –and how Jess was in and out, gone without a trace, with no interest in lingering for credit, she realized how cruelly she'd been treating him –the fact that he could rise above all that to be there for her and her child seemed almost superhuman. Rory understood, crushingly, how lucky she was to be caught between Logan and Jess –both of them were proving themselves to be better men than she deserved.

The river of denial that Rory was caught in ran deep, but that day she resolved to try and find her way out –one piece at a time. She would start by appreciating the love she was surrounded by, making sure the people who offered her that love knew how indebted she was to them. She would try to start with the person she'd arguably been the worst to –Jess.


	16. Chapter 16

"So, how are things in Connecticut, son?" Mitchum asked after picking Logan up from the airport. "What's the word on the _Stamford Eagle_? Please don't tell me I agreed to let you go back there for nothing. If everything's fine, you can cancel your return flight to the States in two weeks…"

Logan sighed. "I'm trying to revamp their business model, but their numbers are down, their marketing strategy is a joke and Stuart Woltz is tired and rundown… he needs to retire, but with a paper that's barely afloat, there isn't really anyone who's capable or qualified –or willing- to fill his shoes."

"Woltz is _still there_? My God… he was there to go over my head about that ex-girlfriend of yours; that was eleven years ago and he was looking to be nearing retirement _then_."

"Really Dad? I haven't been on the ground for an hour and you have to bring up Rory? I wish I could say I was surprised…"

"What? He _did_ go over my head to give her a chance after I –"

"After you crushed her dreams? Yeah, he did. He had the audacity to give her a good reference –so sue him."

"You know, Logan –I'm not the one who seems to want to focus on Rory here. All I was saying is that it's a miracle Woltz is still upright."

"He's trying to save a sinking ship. I think he's the only one who gives a damn."

"He always was the sentimental type. Getting attached to things he _believes in_ –sometimes to the exclusion of things that will be a success. Always was his downfall."

"It's not a downfall Dad. If the _Stamford Eagle_ survives, it'll be largely because of him."

"So, how is she?" Mitchum asked after a few beats of silence.

"Excuse me? How's who?" Logan asked, confused.

"Rory. I assume you've seen her. She is from Connecticut, isn't she? She's not dealing with Naomi Shropshire anymore, so I assume she's sticking closer to home, which happens to be very near to where you begged to go back to. Ergo, you must've touched base with her, even just to catch up. Am I wrong?"

"Well –"

"So, again I ask –how is she?"

"She's –good. She's fine, Dad," Logan said quietly.

"That's it? Going on thirteen years of history –and a failed marriage proposal that you've managed to move past to become friends with her- and all you've got is 'She's fine,'?" Mitchum asked skeptically.

"Yup, that's all I've got."

Mitchum wasn't buying it, but he was willing to let it drop for now. "Odette will be very happy to have you home. She's missed you," he said with a suspicious lilt in his tone.

"I've missed her too," Logan said a little flatly. His father's choice of segues was not lost on him.

* * *

"Kensington Palace?" Logan asked in shock.

"Yes. What is the problem?"

"No –no problem. I just –you really want to get married at _Kensington Palace_? Don't the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, you know –live there?"

"Yes. They do. But ordinary people can get married there –Nicky Hilton married there in 2015. She said it was simply magical. She thinks it would be perfect for us."

"Well, if Nicky Hilton gives it a personal recommendation, then case closed, huh? I'd hardly classify Nicky Hilton as 'ordinary people'. More ordinary than her sister, sure –but still not ordinary."

"Logan, please," Odette begged. "Just think about it."

"Is this really what you want, babe? You want Kensington Palace?"

"It's so lovely. It's unique and it's certainly grand enough to accommodate our guest list…"

"Yeah, I guess it would. This is what I get for leaving wedding planning up to you, huh? I come back from Connecticut and you have your heart set on where the next king and queen of England reside. All right, look into it –see what it would take and how long we'd have to wait to get married at –Kensington Palace."

"Oh, c'est bon! Tres bon! Je t'aime, Logan! Je t'aime tellement!" Odette exclaimed, embracing Logan tightly and kissing him deeply. "The waiting list might not be too long, but I expect the process of making sure everything is in order to ensure we can marry there will take quite a long time. I'll call Nicky and James now, see what their experience was like –and who they used as wedding planner –we're going to need that person –no one else will do."

Odette was a beautiful woman –stunning. Indeed, she was the type of woman whose beauty frequently caused men to stammer like ten-year-old boys and walk into telephone poles on the street, because they were too busy looking at her rather than watching where they were walking. Her long blonde hair was thick and luscious and fell in natural, soft waves halfway down her back. She was tall and slender, but was blessed with sultry curves and a naturally voluptuous chest –she had the type of figure that women starved themselves or went under the knife to achieve. She had a fair skin tone, very complementary to her blonde hair. In stark contrast to her blonde hair and fair –and flawless- skin were her deep brown eyes. Deep brown eyes that men all over Europe had become spellbound by.

Her family held stocks all over Europe and were big names in the world of international financiering. Her family invested in everything and anything –wineries, rare antiquities, restoration of historical sites in both England and France.

Oddette herself was interested in two ventures specifically –fashion and philanthropy. She was a highly accomplished fashion designer and without fail, she always donated at least forty percent of the proceeds from her earnings to various charitable causes –she was the top designer anyone in Paris or London looked to, to be designing runway shows specifically to benefit a charitable cause –whether through donations made by the public or by donating the clothes themselves to whatever cause the show was meant to benefit from.

Odette thoroughly enjoyed the life of a socialite –she liked being rich and the fact that she had extravagant tastes which she never felt any shame in indulging. But she did feel a sense of duty to share that wealth whenever she could –with children, the arts, mental health initiatives, suicide prevention, combatting homelessness, various foreign aid agencies working to combat poverty; anyone who needed it, really. Odette was a rarity when it came to the wealthy and powerful –she enjoyed her wealth and the freedom it allowed her, to indulge in extravagances, but she saw an equally important imperative wherein her wealth should be used to help others almost as much as she used it to indulge herself. Logan loved that about her –her selflessness.

Odette and Logan were completely financially independent and did not need to marry each other for the fortune of it. Their marriage would bolster their public image and allow them to soar to all kinds of new heights –their combined fortunes would make them much more powerful together than part, which no doubt pleased both their families. But in point of fact, Odette and Logan weren't getting married because they _needed_ each other's money and clout to survive –on a personal and emotional level, they were in fact quite well-suited for one another. They understood and complemented each other perfectly –so it seemed, as far as anyone around them was concerned.

But even perfection could have its flaws.

Everything about Logan and Odette's relationship simple was easy –they genuinely enjoyed being together, they loved each other and even more impressive still –their happiness remained largely un-shattered –they hardly ever fought.

When Logan proposed in the summer of 2015, he was genuinely happy –even if the women in his life were becoming a complicated matter at this point- he loved her, after all –didn't he? He knew that his family would be utterly thrilled –marrying Odette would bring even more good fortune to the Huntzbergers, her fortune combined with Logan's would make them unstoppable. But as old and wise adages try time and time again to teach us –if something seems too good to be true, it probably is –and real, all-consuming love _shouldn't_ be simple and easy, as Logan and Odette's love for each other seemed to be.

Being with someone you love should be easy, simple, uncomplicated –but if it's easy, simple and uncomplicated _all the time_ , that is often disastrous. When things are easy and uncomplicated all the time and partners acquiesce without fail because the other person's happiness is paramount beyond everything else –things get dull, predictable. It is possible to be in a genuine state of bliss and truly love the person you're with while at the same time being bored, wondering where the passion went.

This was the state of affairs in regard to how Logan felt about his fiancé –he did truly love her and she was genuinely kind and deserving of the best life had to offer; Logan wanted her to experience all the good things she deserved with him by her side. But at some point in their relationship he'd become bored. He missed being challenged by the woman he loved and challenging her in return.

As he tuned in and out of what Odette was saying about their upcoming wedding and how they'd have to take whatever date Kensington Palace offered them –no matter when it was- he couldn't help but flash back to that night in the dance club with Rory in New Hampshire. " _One thing I can honestly say… I've never been bored with you_ ," she'd said.

Things were never boring with Rory.

But as much as he loved Odette –and he did- he was getting bored –things with Odette were _too_ easy and he was starting to get bored. And boredom in a relationship –no matter how much you loved someone- was never a good sign.

"Logan! Are you listening to me?" Odette asked.

"What? Yeah, of course, what –"

"I talked to Nicky and I checked in with Executive Event Planner at Kensington Palace… I'm on hold –she's checking the calendar."

"You did all that in –?"

"You were zoned out for quite a while, my love," Odette smiled.

"Sorry. So what's the word on Kensington Palace?" Logan asked with a sweet smile when she hung up the phone.

"The first opening they have is Saturday October twenty-eighth –someone cancelled just this morning. That's all they've got for _two years._ If we want this, we need to call them back and give them an answer now."

Logan did some quick mental math. Rory's baby was due at the end of June, which meant they should have the paternity mystery solved by end of August, early September. He and Odette had put off picking a date for so long, their parents weren't going to let them get away with it much longer. A date in October meant he had enough time to figure out –once and for all- how he felt about Rory, and he could be aided in his decision by knowing whether her child belonged to him.

Unbeknownst to her, Odette still ran a very real risk of being deeply hurt by Logan if he decided to leave her, but at least he'd be able to do it before the wedding –not at, or after it. This was a small mercy at least.

"Logan?"

"Sure, sure," Logan stammered. "October twenty-eighth is fine. We'll tell everyone at Easter dinner in a few days. They'll be _thrilled_ –and conveniently, they won't want to kill us anymore for taking too long or God forbid, _never_ picking a date," he smiled, kissing Odette softly and caressing her cheek.

* * *

"Hey boss," Greg said. "I've got Rory's finished manuscript here."

"Finished?" Jess asked in surprise.

"Finished." It was the Tuesday before Easter. "It looks pretty perfect to me, but I know nothing goes to print before your say so –so, here," Greg said, handing Jess a thick stack of pages.

"Great. Leave it with me. I'll let you know by the end of the week, before we close for Easter."

Greg looked at his friend with a cocky grin, as if daring Jess to find something wrong with it. "Okay boss," he said.

Over the next two days, Jess poured over Rory's book, making only minor markups –Greg was doing a really good job.

Rory had told Greg what Lane had said about needing to rethink the press junket and even though it was a tough blow, they decided to go digital –uploading videos of Rory talking about her book and reading excepts to Twitter, Truncheon's webpage and their Facebook Live feed. Through this medium, she could also answer questions from the public. All Jess was thinking he'd have to do at Easter was present her with the dates when they'd chosen to record the various videos.

But just when Jess thought he was worrying over nothing –that he was putting himself through unnecessary psychological torture in taking a fine-tooth comb to Rory's words, because her writing was clearly amazing and Greg had everything well under control- he noticed a problem. There was a sharp decline in the quality and detail of her writing when discussing a true linchpin of her story. It was a sharp decline that only Jess could catch, because of his familiarity with Rory's life –even when he wasn't active in it.

Rory was crafty –to the untrained eye, there was nothing wrong at all –indeed, it wasn't that her narrative voice was inconsistent, it was that she left out pivotal details and only told a fraction of the story. This is not something Greg would be able to discern, and Jess believed Rory knew it.

On Thursday afternoon, Greg popped his head in Jess' office. "Do you _still_ have Rory's manuscript? That should've been the quickest once-over ever. It's fine. It's _stellar_. It's ready."

"No it's not," Jess mumbled.

"What did she do, write it in a secret code and leave clues only you could find, for her to undermine her own work and have you be the one to tell her?"

"Maybe. Yeah. Something like that."

"Jess, that's crazy. I was kidding."

"Well, I'm not. It's not ready, Greggers."

"What's the matter, then? I'll talk to her –we'll fix it."

"No. It's –I'll talk to her. If I try and tell you what I see –you won't see it."

Greg let out a pained sigh at Jess' summation of the situation. "Are you saying I can't –that I'm not good enough to handle this? If you are –it's a hell of a time for you to bring it up, Jess –"

Jess looked up and saw his friend's expression –the anger simmering in his darkening blue eyes. "No," he sighed. "No, that's not what I –look, here. You see this section? Read it."

Greg followed Jess' pen with his eyes. "Okay, so –what about it?"

"Is there anything wrong with it?"

"No. Is there?"

"No. But it's not –it's only telling a fraction of the story. Look at the situation she's painting. It should punch you in the gut. And it doesn't."

"Okay, fine. So it doesn't punch you in the gut. So what?"

"She's holding back. There's a lot she's conveniently not saying. This section needs to hit hard –if it doesn't, the entire work suffers."

"I don't see what you see. It hits fine, Jess."

"No it doesn't. And the fact that you can't discern that is exactly what she was banking on."

"Well, if that's the way she wants to discuss this one element, who are we to push her to do something she doesn't want? She told it that way for a reason."

"Yeah, and the sixty-four-million-dollar question is _why_ ," Jess replied. "Why would she abandon her razor sharp focus to tell us this –this crucial, raging storm of tensions in broad, unoffending brushstrokes? It doesn't fit. Her narrative voice falters –slightly, most people wouldn't notice it, but it _does_ falter."

"And you're attuned to it. That's why you need to talk to her," Greg sighed. "Right?"

"Exactly. This isn't a reflection on your ability to handle this, or do a good job –you're _killing_ it here, Greggers, you really are. But she slipped up on purpose and wanted to get it past you. She did this on purpose. Someone's gotta tell her it's a mistake. At the end of the day, it's her choice –she can leave it this way, it's not like the book is worthless. But someone _needs_ to tell her that we see what she's trying to do. Rory needs someone to get in her face and tell her everything she knows this section has the potential to be, if only she'd let herself stay razor sharp."

"And you know all of the potential this episode has –all the potential she's ignoring."

"See?" Jess smiled. "You're good at this –really good. Give me the weekend, okay?"

"You're gonna talk to her over Easter?" Greg asked. "Couldn't that get –tense?"

"Maybe –probably. But if she's gonna fix it, she needs to fix it _now_. I'm going to Stars Hollow anyway. I got this one."

"You sure?"

"Positive. Next week, everything will be back on track."

* * *

"So, wait –I thought Liz and TJ were kicked out of the vegetable cult," Lorelai said in confusion. "Because _they_ were too crazy for the cult. That's what you told me, right? That's why Jess was here last summer –you guys were going to try and talk Liz out of it and then she ended up being kicked out anyway."

"That's right," Jess nodded. "But!"

"There's another vegetable cult –one that apparently Liz and TJ's crazy is the exact right fit for," Luke said dryly.

"You're kidding," Lorelai gasped.

"We couldn't kid about this if we tried," Jess sighed.

"Does this one have another multi-million-year contract?"

"Nah, only ten thousand."

"Well, thank God these cultists are more progressive than the last ones," Lorelai rolled her eyes.

Rory listened to the conversation quietly, laughing to herself but not interjecting with any opinion of her own. It mystified her, how a man like Jess could've possibly been the child of a woman like Liz. Liz was a kind-hearted and wonderful –albeit strange- woman. It seemed like a minor miracle that Jess turned out as normal as he did.

After dinner, Luke, Lorelai, Rory and Jess were invited to Babette and Morey's house next door for tea, coffee and dessert. All through dinner Rory was practically bursting. She'd spoken to Jess via text and over the phone and thanked him emotionally for all of the work he put into arranging her bedroom, but she hadn't had the chance yet to thank him in person. She caught his eye a few times during the meal and stared at him gratefully; Jess acknowledged her with small nods, discreet winks and smirks.

As Luke and Lorelai finished clearing the table, they looked at Jess and Rory expectantly. "Shall we go?" Lorelai asked.

"Actually…" Jess said slowly. "You guys go on ahead. Rory and I'll catch up."

Rory's head snapped up and she looked at Jess with wide eyes. Was _he_ engineering an opportunity for them to be alone? She smiled at him gratefully.

"You sure?" Luke asked.

"Yeah. I just need to talk shop with Rory real quick –her book's almost ready and there are a few things we need to go over. I told Greg I'd handle it since I was gonna be here anyway. You guys go. I'll finish cleaning up here while Rory and I talk. We'll join you soon," Jess explained coolly.

"Okay," Luke said slowly.

Lorelai shot a concerning glance at Rory –who waved it away discreetly and assured her mother with her eyes that everything would be fine. "See you guys in a minute," she smiled. "Mom, ask Babette to make me a ginger tea?"

"Sure thing, Hun," Lorelai smiled before leaving with Luke.

When they were alone, Rory got up from the table slowly and Jess reached out to help her –the weight of her expanding belly throwing her off balance. "Thanks," she whispered. Jess moved to let go of her hands and she clutched his fingers tightly. "Wait, Jess."

Jess let out a tiny sigh and looked at her, his brown eyes brimming with too many emotions to name. He didn't resist her –he let her hold his hands and stare back at him until she could find her words.

"Thank you," Rory said in a tiny voice. "For everything you did. It's beautiful."

Jess smiled.

"I've been so awful. I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. I know I should be –you haven't been able to talk to me and it's –I'm just making everything worse. You've had to deal with this huge thing and compensate for my lack of –everything. You've been amazing, Jess. I'm getting there –I swear I am –you –"

"I know you are," he whispered. "Don't worry about me. I'm good."

Rory knew he was lying, but didn't argue.

"Rory, you can't change anything that's already happened. All you can do is work to change how things unfold next," Jess explained gently. "You can't change the past. We still have time before –to get to a better place. Yeah, it's been hard and I've been mad –"

"Rightfully so –what I did to you was despicable. You're right –I did manipulate you, even if I didn't mean to."

"You did," Jess said. "And I can't pretend you didn't. But as hard as this has all been –it's good, better this way. I can't be there for you like –it's good that you have Logan here, that he's been willing to be on the front lines of all this. I still don't regret what we did, Rory –but we both know we have a lot to figure out before we can –if we can even –if we even want –right now there's no 'us'. If people knew I was mixed up in this, they'd have my head and this whole town would –things would be harder, for both of us. Your relationship with your mom, Luke –my relationship with them –it'd all shift irreversibly –even if it turns out that I'm not –" he sighed. "The normalcy would be gone forever. It's better this way, for now –me being involved from a distance. It's better. Logan can be there for you in a way that I just –can't right now. We both know that."

"Yeah," Rory agreed sadly. "But it must be so hard for you to –"

"I don't think it's any harder for me than it is for you. This isn't the first time I've kept things –big things- from Luke, or everyone else. I can't do it as nonchalantly as I used to, but me internalizing my life is nothing new," Jess assured her.

"I'm still sorry. New leaf –I'll be better from here on out."

"Okay."

Rory smiled and pulled Jess closer. She wrapped her arms around him and leaned forward to place her head against his chest. When she wobbled off-balance, Jess tightened his grip on her and held her steady without even flinching.

"I've got ya, Gilmore," he laughed quietly, kissing the top of her head. As Jess stood holding her tight, his flat, toned midsection was pressed against her swollen belly –when the baby shifted inside Rory, he felt the movement and allowed himself to chuckle loud enough for a joyous sound to escape his lips and fill the small kitchen. After a moment, Jess loosened his grip on Rory and shifted his weight back slightly, smiling at her. "So, I actually do have something to talk to you about –about your book. That wasn't actually a lie."

"Oh," Rory said in surprise. "Okay. But why are you –? I mean I thought you didn't want to have a hand directly in –why hasn't Greg talked to me about it?"

"Well, because it's not something he'd notice, frankly. I caught it as I was reading the manuscript and I needed to talk to you about it before we sent copies to print."

"Greg didn't notice something so amiss that you –you need to talk to me about it yourself? Why? How is that possible?"

"He doesn't know the story –or you- like I do," Jess answered simply, helping Rory back to her chair. "Sit down. Let me grab my copy." He ran out of the room briefly and came back holding a stack of pages. Sitting down across from Rory, he flipped to a specific page, which she noticed was covered in red ink. "Here," he pointed, flipping the book to face her. "Why are you downplaying the seriousness of your stint away from Yale and how it affected your life –your family –your relationships? It's central to your message, Rory. It's a linchpin to illustrate the strength of your bonds and how thoroughly they've been tested. This is where you really need to dig your heels in and unpack everything and you barely scratch the surface. Why?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rory said, shaking her head. "I didn't leave anything out. It's all there."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is, Jess."

"The facts are there, Rory –but that's all. You don't explore any of the emotions –what you were going through, how you felt –the ramifications that your decision had on your own life, or how it affected your family. Without that, it's useless. This is a major event in your life –one through which you can _really_ explore the indelible strength of your family and take a hard look at the shit storm it caused –that you all managed to weather- and you don't. At all. This is one of the few rifts that doesn't originate with your mother, but with you. It needs to be unpacked and explored –and you don't bother. The entirety of your discussion is devoid of emotion –it's like for this chapter, you fall down a cold, dark hole."

"Is this Greg's opinion, or just yours?"

"Greg can't see what this actually should be, but isn't. He's not aware of the enormity of what you so deftly dodged. I am. And I'm asking why."

"So, what – _exactly_ \- is it lacking?" Rory asked sharply.

"Pathos," Jess shot back. "It's empty. This should be a beating-heart central element to your entire journey and instead it's cold, weightless –it's nothing. A waste of pages. It may as well not even be here –you may as well deny that it ever happened, that you ever happened to find yourself on a path that turned out to be the wrong one. God forbid you own up to your mistakes and dare to relive the pain you were in –that you caused. Because if you were to relive it, you might actually learn something new from it –can't have that, right?"

"I'm sorry –the pain I _caused_?"

"Yes, Rory. The pain that you –perfect as you may have thought you were- _caused._ I get that you were _in_ pain, I'm not trying to minimize that –but are you really going to sit there and try to convince me that what you were going through didn't have calamitous ripple-effects on the people who love you?"

" _Calamitous ripple-effects_? Are you serious?"

"That's what I said."

"How would you know what even –?"

"Because, Rory –how the fuck do you think I ended up in your grandparents' driveway that night?" Jess yelled. "Do you think I just waved my magic wand? I told you that night –Luke told me where you were. Do you remember what I said right after that? I said I had to shake it out of him –he wasn't sure it was okay. I saw firsthand what was happening to the people who love you while you were busy 'finding yourself.' Luke was beside himself –your mom was –"

Rory flinched as Jess forced her to think of the state things must've been in when he was trying to ascertain her whereabouts from Luke.

"I may not have been _here_ , in your mind –the first time you saw me was at your grandparents' house. But in order to get there, Rory, I had to wade through the destruction you left in your wake when you turned your back on everyone here. I saw what you didn't. Even though you didn't _see_ it, you can't tell me you never had any idea. So I want to know _why_ you're willing to ignore it. If it was still a sore point for everyone I could understand. But you got _through it_ , Rory. Everyone did. So why the hell won't you talk about it?" Jess asked severely. "Are you avoiding it to protect people? Your mom? Luke? Like you don't know where the line of demarcation is between what you were going through and the tensions building in their relationship beyond you? If that's what it is, we can –I can help you."

Rory shook her head.

"Are you worried about how your grandmother will react? I'm sure if you talk it through with your mom, she can help you strike the balance that I can't, because she would know –"

"No, Jess."

"Then why? What the hell's the problem? This is huge, Rory. You're stronger for having weathered this storm and come out the other side. So is your family. Why are you so scared to talk about it?"

"I'm not scared."

"Are you ashamed, then?"

"How dare you," Rory spat. "Who do you think you are? Coming in here and telling me how to write the story of my life…"

"I'm no one, Rory –I'm just the one guy who managed to penetrate that thick skull of yours and help you get your God damn life back when no one else could. You're welcome, by the way," Jess seethed. "No, there's no possible way I could be right about this. You're not avoiding anything. You're not avoiding your own reflection because what you see might actually be sobering, right? There's no earthly way you're avoiding the Yale debacle because the denial you were in then and the denial you're in now are frighteningly similar, right? It couldn't be because your current situation isn't as easy to fix as the last one –because what's happening now is not something you're allowed to move on from and conveniently forget it ever happened. No –this one's going to follow you for your whole life. You can't _not_ deal with what's happening to you right now, so you'd rather bury the other time that this happened –when the great, perfect, infallible Rory Gilmore fell off her pedestal and actually made a mistake –not just any mistake, but a big one."

"Jess…" Rory warned.

"Remember when you first told me you were pregnant and I told you that you had to deal with your shit, Rory? Well, _deal with your shit_. Stop running away. Stop trying to pretend it never happened. Stop pretending that you're too good to make mistakes. Mistakes don't make you weak –running away from them does."

"That's ironic, coming from you."

"I stopped running away a long time ago. I wish I could say the same for you."

"Get out! Get the hell out of my house!"

"Fine. I'm outta here. You can leave the chapter as it is, Rory. On the surface, there's nothing wrong with it –no one else will know. But I do. And so do you. If you leave this the way it is, you're lying to yourself and anyone who might read your story and see themselves in it. You're writing a memoir, not fiction. Writing a memoir requires that you tell the truth –and sometimes the truth hurts. If you're not prepared for that, then maybe you need to ask yourself why you decided to do this –why you took my advice when you weren't ready to follow it. I'll leave this with you," Jess said tersely, sliding the manuscript over to her and standing up rigidly. "Do what you want. But if you read it, you'll see what I do –that you've abandoned the heartbeat that makes this story live. If you want to publish something that only breathes half a life, that's your call. But you said it, Rory –this is the story of your life. Far be it for me to believe that your life is worth its full breath."

A second later, Jess was gone.


	17. Chapter 17

Luke called Jess the next day in a minor rage. "What the hell was that Jess? What did you say to her?"

"What she needed to hear," Jess answered cryptically.

"Well, whatever it was she 'needed to hear' has her holed up in her bedroom. She won't even come out to eat. She sneaks into the kitchen and brings food into her room."

"Luke, I'm sorry I split so suddenly, okay? Make sure you tell Lorelai too."

"We haven't seen you storm away that fast or that angrily in fifteen years –don't make me come to Brooklyn and check your closet for baseballs and gnomes…"

"As long as you leave me with my caution tape and chalk, I'm good. Oh, and don't be taking a sledgehammer to my walls. I will _not_ be holding your hand and skipping with you anywhere, dear uncle of mine," Jess had quipped with a smirk.

In spite of himself, Luke chuckled.

"She'll be okay, Luke. She's mad at me, not anyone else."

"But why?"

"Since when does Rory Gilmore need a _reason_ to be mad at me?"

"Jess…"

"She knows I'm right, that's why."

* * *

Monday turned into Tuesday, which faded into Wednesday, which eventually gave way to Thursday. By Thursday morning, Jess couldn't help but get a little concerned –maybe his harsh words wouldn't put Rory in her place and force her to search for the light of day; maybe they'd cause her to retreat further down.

"Jess, what the fuck?" Greg sighed. "You told me to give you the weekend. It's Thursday. _Thursday_. What the hell did you say to her? I can't do a damn thing until I know what I'm working with. It was ready. What if we never see her again? What if she abandons the whole thing?"

"She won't, Greggers," Jess assured him. "I know Rory. I told her what she needed to hear and she didn't like it, that's why this is taking her so long. She didn't like it –but she also knows I'm right. Things have to percolate in her brain, like good coffee. She's also gotta dig deep to fix it –that doesn't happen overnight."

"It's been _four nights_."

"She's percolating."

"I don't even know what that means."

"It means that what she gave us before was drivelled –shitty instant coffee grinds scooped into water and reheated in the microwave. When Rory fixes it, she'll bring us piping hot, sharp espresso –it'll hit you right between the eyes and leave you wondering how you ever thought the powdered crap could pass for coffee."

"This is a very weird analogy," Greg said, with a raised eyebrow.

"No it's not –not if you know Rory."

"She's pregnant, she's probably not even drinking coffee."

"Hence why it might be taking her so long," Jess laughed. "Greg, we haven't lost her, believe me."

Greg was about to open his mouth to protest when he was cut off by a gentle knock on Jess' door.

Jess shifted in his seat to look past Greg. When he saw who was standing in his doorway, he blinked hard and felt his heart speed up. "What are you –what are you doing here?"

"You didn't answer my calls. So, I came here to plead the case in person. Did you really think I wouldn't go down without a fight? I know you're a stubborn ass, but so am I, Mari. That's why we work."

"I'll –leave you two alone," Greg said quietly. "Nice to see you, Audrey."

"You too, Greg," Audrey smiled. "How's married life?"

"Can't complain."

"Give my love to Kristen."

"I will," Greg said, giving her a tiny hug before slipping out of the office and shutting the door behind him.

Audrey and Jess were silent in his office for a few seconds. Jess was torn between being truly touched by her presence and lamenting it, wishing she'd just gotten the hint. But she was right –Hepburn was just as stubborn as he was. It was one of the things he always appreciated about her. "You –you, um, you cut your hair," Jess stammered. _Smooth_ , he thought to himself.

Audrey's dark hair, which was usually swept off her face in a messy bun that was permanently fixed to the top of her head, fell in loose, slightly curly waves, stopping an inch from her shoulders. Her dark eyes stared at him intently from behind large, round glasses that lightened from black to a striking golden yellow where the bottom curves rested lightly on her cheeks. "Yeah, I cut my hair," she said softly. "Jess –you and me, we work. We've been back and forth and back and forth for five years. There's a reason we can't stay broken up. How long do you think we can keep running in circles? Let's just do this, Mari…" she blurted out.

"Do what, Hepburn?" Jess asked evenly, indulging her use of their nicknames.

"Be together. No more breaking up. Let's do this thing, for real. Let's just give it one go without cutting it short to cut and run. We're good together. You know we are. So –let's give ourselves a real shot."

"Audrey…"

"Jess. At some point, one of us has to break the pattern. So, here I am –breaking it. I stopped calling you. And now I'm here –I'm not that easy to –I won't let you just shove me aside like that."

"I wasn't shoving you aside anywhere," Jess sighed.

"Yes you were. You were banking on things being the same. You don't answer my calls, so eventually I stop and that's that. But I don't feel like doing all the waiting around for one of us to run back to the other like we always do. You left me high and dry, so that means the big gesture was supposed to be your move. I'm stealing your turn because I'm impatient."

"Apparently."

"So, let's talk about us –for real."

"Audrey, now isn't a good time. I'm working…"

"There's no one here!"

"Audrey –now isn't a good time," Jess repeated. "For me. Now is not when I can do this. Did it ever occur to you that there might be a reason why I ignored your calls –a reason that's more complicated than my indecision?"

"Jess, I'm not under the illusion that showing up here makes a happy ending guaranteed. I just want us to talk about –us. We either need to _really_ try and do this, or we just need to break everything off –fully and cleanly. I'm here because I –I can't just let you go –I can't just let go of five years of my life without pausing to make sure that's what really needs to happen," Audrey implored. "We don't have to hash everything out right here, right now –in your office –but, please Jess. Don't you understand why we need to –?"

"I do –I promise I do. And I want to –talk about it. I want to _really_ talk about it. But –" Jess was cut off by his phone alerting him to a text message. When he read it, he smirked.

"Why are smiling? I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you and you just start smirking like an idiot! Is this funny to you, Jess?" Audrey asked shrilly.

"No. No. I hear you. I do. And this big gesture you're making –I'm truly touched by it, I am. But –you need to leave."

"What? Why?"

"Because there's a crazy lady about five minutes away. And she's mad at me. _Really_ mad. She's crossed state lines just to yell at me. I'm telling you this because I care about you –you need to get out, and you need to do it now," Jess explained. "She's a tornado, Hepburn, and I'm the warning siren. If you want us to have this conversation, you need to get out of here –because otherwise a house is gonna land on you –she's the tornado _and_ the house and she's driving here, to Truncheon in the east end of Brooklyn to unleash holy hell. We can't have the conversation you want to have if there's nothing left of you but disembodied legs in striped tights. The woman who's about to storm in here –she won't care who's caught in the crossfire."

"You aren't making any sense. Are you insane?"

"No. I'm telling the truth. Audrey –Hepburn, please. You know me. You know when I'm lying –you know when I'm bullshitting you. Look at me. Am I lying to you?"

"Why are you randomly referencing _The Wizard of Oz_ to –"

"Is the reference lost on you? No, of course it's not. It doesn't matter why I'm referencing _The Wizard of_ Fucking _Oz_. Look at me! Am. I. Lying to you?"

Audrey searched Jess' dark eyes and saw nothing but sincerity that matched his unflinching tone of voice. "No," she admitted with a sigh.

"Good, thank you," Jess said, stepping out from behind his desk and kissing Audrey's cheek. "I promise you, we'll talk. But right now, I just need you to –please, leave."

Audrey squeezed Jess' hand gently. "Fine," she said quietly.

"Thank you, Hepburn."

"Yeah, yeah. You owe me, Mari."

"I really do."

"If I have to come here again –if you ignore me again- I'm not wasting any time on pleasantries –I'm just gonna kill you."

"I promise you, that won't be necessary," Jess said sincerely, opening his office door for her.

Audrey made her way back to Truncheon's entrance, waving goodbye to Greg as she walked past his office. As she neared the front door, she saw a pregnant woman climbing the steep stairs slowly, with great effort; Audrey picked up her pace –she sprinted outside. "Here, let me help you," she said, offering her arm.

"Oh, thanks," Rory smiled warmly, pausing to catch her breath.

When they got to the top of the stairs, Audrey slowly loosened her grip. "Just a sec, are you okay there? Let me grab the door." Yanking the door and propping it open with her foot, she reached for the woman's hand again. "Watch your step."

"Thank you so much! I'm not sure how I would've gotten in here –I probably would've had to make a distress call from the stoop."

"No problem."

"Have a great day," Rory grinned.

"You too," Audrey smiled, turning to descend the stairs once woman was safely inside.

As soon as Rory got inside and the door shut behind her, she wiped the sweat from her brow and waddled –she was starting to waddle now- at a determined clip. "Jess!" she screamed. "Where the hell are you?!"

"Rory?" Greg said in surprise, getting up from his desk to peer out his door. "Did you drive all the way here with your rewrite? You really didn't have to do that…"

Rory didn't even acknowledge the sound of Greg's voice. "Jess! Where the fuck are you?" she screamed again.

"Calm down, Gilmore. You keep yelling like that, someone might call the cops. This is Brooklyn. You're not in Kansas anymore –people who yell the way you're yelling can get arrested," Jess said, walking out of his office and locking eyes with her as she continued to close the distance between them.

"Stop trying to be cute, asshole."

"You know, Greg's your editor, not me. You can just give your rewrite to him. I'm sure he'd be happy to go through it with you."

"Not a fucking chance. He didn't poke holes in it, _you_ did."

"As you wish," he smirked, clearing the way for her, "after you." _There she is_ , he thought to himself in vindication, _my, Rory Gilmore, how I've missed you._

"Read it," Rory spat, throwing the pages at him roughly. "Now."

"Ouch," Jess whispered as he caught the pages. "Watch it, Kathy Bates."

"I don't have an axe, but I will see to it that you bleed to death from papercuts if you don't start reading in about five seconds."

"Would you like to sit, Miss Congeniality?"

"I'm fine."

"Stop lying. You really think if you sit down it'll wreck your moment of badassery? It won't, I promise."

"Fine," Rory huffed.

Jess smirked and put the pages down to offer her his hand and help her sit. When he was sure she was secure, he walked gingerly back over to his desk and sat down.

"Read. Now!"

"Watch it. I really don't want you going into premature labour just because you're pissed at me."

"Five… four… three…"

"Jesus, you really have lost your sense of whimsy, haven't you?"

"My whimsy is plenty whimsical, Mariano. I think threatening you with death by papercuts proves that."

"Touché. I'm going to start reading now. But if you yell at me because I'm taking too long, I'll just have to start over again."

"Take your time," Rory said with a sarcastic smile.

Outside, Audrey watched from across the street, peering into Jess' office window behind his desk as the quiet, pretty, _very_ pregnant woman she'd helped in the door yelled at him and threw a stack of pages at him angrily. "My God, I thought he was exaggerating," she whispered in disbelief. Then she felt a tiny chuckle escape her lips; there was something about the sight of Jess being screamed at by a pregnant lady that was oddly satisfying. She was stunned at the verbal tango she was watching on mute. "Careful, Jess. She's pissed at you _and_ she'spregnant. You keep challenging her and she'll eat you alive," she said to herself. Little did Audrey know –that was _exactly_ what Jess was hoping for. After a few more seconds, she slipped away so as not to be seen by Jess or his adversary.

When Jess finished reading, he put the pages down and sighed before looking up at Rory.

"What's the matter now?" she demanded. "You can't possibly still think it's empty and flat. You can't, Jess, you –" her chin started to quiver, "you can't. If you still think it's worthless then we may as well just skip over the whole episode, because I can't –I poured everything I have into this rewrite. I have nothing left."

"It's good, Rory," he reassured her gently, taking her hand. "Really good."

"Really? You promise?" she asked meekly.

"Would I really lie to you at this point just to spare your feelings?"

"No, you wouldn't. But would you lie to me because I threatened to hurt you and –?"

Jess burst out laughing. "My God, that child growing inside you is making you paranoid. Would I lie to you to save myself from an excruciating death by papercut? I'm pretty sure I could defend myself. Rory –I'm not lying. This –it's exactly what it always should've been. I'm proud of you. You did good."

"Okay, good," Rory sniffed, feeling a fresh lump rise in her throat. "Thank you, Jess."

"Oh geez, leave it to you to start crying in an office that's only sparsely populated –by men. I don't think I have any Kleenex."

"That's okay."

"I may not have Kleenex, but," Jess said, getting up from his desk, "I can offer you a clean shirt hem to dry your eyes with."

Rory laughed as Jess stood in front of her and invited her to wipe her tears with the hem of his black denim shirt. "Thanks."

Jess took her hands and pulled her to her feet carefully. "Shall we go show this to your editor? I really think he's going to get a serious inferiority complex if we keep making him believe we're in cahoots together."

Rory laughed.

"What's funny?"

"You using the word 'cahoots'."

"Hey Greggers!" Jess called as he walked into the hallway with Rory.

"Yeah?" Greg said, coming to his doorway.

"Your star authoress wants you back," he said, handing his friend Rory's pages.

"Why is she crying? What'd you do, Jess?"

"Oh, Greg! I'm so sorry," Rory cried, throwing her arms around him.

Greg was caught off-guard by this woman he still seemed to hardly know embracing him so tightly. "It's –okay –really," he said haltingly. _What the hell?_ he mouthed to Jess.

 _Hormones_ , Jess mouthed back. "Hey Rory, you hungry?"

"Oh my God, I'm _starving_."

"Greg, why don't you take Rory out for lunch and talk to her about those promotional videos we need to put together."

"Sure. You wanna come with us?" Greg asked.

"Nah. Ella's sick –I promised her I'd bring soup. I think Rory wants more than soup."

"Soup doesn't count as food _unless_ you're sick," Rory laughed.

"Exactly –Greg, take this lady out for non-soup," Jess said.

"On it," Greg nodded. "Tell Ella hey for me. If there's anything I can help her with, tell her to call me."

"Say hi for me too, will you?" Rory asked. "I hope she feels better soon."

"Can I tell her you yelled at me?" Jess asked with a chuckle.

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't," she winked.

* * *

"Hey El. I got that miso crap you like so much. I'll be there in about ten minutes," Jess said, walking out of a Japanese takeout restaurant near Ella's apartment.

"Can you get here faster than that?" Ella asked breathlessly.

"Why? What's wrong?"

"I fell."

"Shit. What happened?"

"I was trying to transfer into bed –getting up this morning was a bad idea. I overbalanced."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just can't get up. My door's locked. You need to use the key."

"Okay. Hang tight. I'll be there soon," Jess shoved his cellphone in his pocket, started his car and floored it. "I really need to start hanging out with more guys to balance _all the estrogen_. God, I miss being a misanthropic loner… those were the days," he muttered as he drove.

Luckily, Jess arrived at the door of Ella's building just as the mailman was leaving, so he could slip in without pausing to buzz her. Walking through the lobby he saw that all the elevators were between the tenth and twelfth floors, so he headed straight to the stairwell and took the steps two at a time up to the fourth floor. He put the food on the ground and reached up to the flat surface above the pot light illuminating Ella's apartment number on the wall next to her door. Jess fished around blindly behind a decorative _Welcome_ sign propped up there until he felt the lockbox containing the spare key. He quickly keyed in the combination and dumped the key into his palm, unlocking the door before returning the key to its' lockbox and hiding it, once again, behind the _Welcome_ sign.

Ella got the lockbox to store the spare key in case she ever needed help, if she found that she fell and couldn't get up –it was a clichéd, whiny saying that she hated, even more so because occasionally, those very clichéd words actually applied to her, in rare circumstances when they were decidedly _not_ a parody. Jess was one of only three of Ella's _closest_ confidants who had the combination: himself, Ella's best friend from high school, and her dad. Brooklyn EMS had the combination too, along with the buzz code for her building that was exclusively for emergency responders. Ella had Brooklyn EMS on speed dial, just in case. Her cellphone was _always_ on her person or directly in reach and EMS knew there was no need for any dramatic kicking down of her door unless she told them to –which was never.

Jess had never had to use the key before, so he was nervous and fidgety as he unlocked Ella's door. Ella was _so_ independent –she only had attendants in for two hours a day and he'd never actually seen her fall –not once- in the nearly nine years he'd known her and been her best friend. "El," he called out softly, entering her apartment and setting the food on her tiny kitchen table before slowly making his way to her bedroom. Anxiety coursed through him as he thought of what sate he might find her in. "It's Jess."

"You don't have to be so terrified, Jess. I am in no way indecent. Long sleeve night shirt, full length pajama pants that are in no danger of falling down," Ella said sarcastically. "I really am just lying helplessly on the floor. Promise."

"Well, hey there my little spitfire," Jess smiled warmly, cocking his head to the side in order to meet her eyes from where she lay on the floor, caught helplessly in the narrow space between her wheelchair and her bed. "How long have you been on the floor like that? It's a good thing I promised you I'd come by with soup, or you might be stranded down there."

"I fell about fifteen minutes ago, but I knew you were coming, so."

Jess quickly moved her wheelchair out of the way to give himself enough room to squat down next to her. "Are you hurt?"

"Not much. Other than a severely bruised ego and wanting to cower in embarrassment and shame because my best friend has to come to my rescue when I'm sick, injured and wearing pajamas, I'm good!" Ella quipped.

Jess smirked. "Here, can you reach to put your left arm around my neck?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Jess helped guide her arm around him before he slid his own arm around her back. He slid his other arm under her knees, letting them rest in the hitch of his elbow. "Ready? One, two, three," he said softly and kindly, being as gentle as he could. Jess lifted Ella up off the floor and held her body close to his –closer than he actually needed to- to give her the added sense of security and safety he knew she needed in this moment, even if she would never admit it.

When she felt Jess' arms securely around her, she let out a deep, shaky sigh as he placed her back in her wheelchair as delicately as he could, so as not to add to her discomfort. "This is so embarrassing," she whispered quietly, warring with herself to keep from crying –more out of shame than pain.

"Why?" Jess asked gently. He walked around her chair once she was safely seated, sat on her bed and tried to meet her eyes. "Everyone falls from time to time, El. Plus, you're sick. It's okay –it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Yeah but most people who have relatively minor –or even moderate falls can manage to get themselves up independently. I, however am stranded on the floor like a –"

"Hey, stop. Don't even _think_ that, or finish your statement. I've had enough drama today. I would prefer if your self-worth stayed intact, El. So, you fell over –so what? Your body's bruised, along with your ego –but you're _fine_. Thank God it wasn't worse." Jess wrapped his arms around Ella in a tight hug.

"I'm sick, you shouldn't hug me," Ella protested weakly.

"Shut up," Jess smirked, giving her a quick kiss on the forehead –which was indeed very warm. "Come on. Your soup's getting cold."

"So, what's this about drama today?" Ella asked as Jess pushed her to her little kitchen table.

"Well," Jess sighed as he sat down next to her, "it was supposed to be a quiet day. The high point was supposed to be bringing my best friend some soup and making questionable jokes about how pale and needy she is."

"And now this is –not the high point of your day? Even with me falling on the floor and being all damsely? You got to be the big, strapping hero, saving the woman in distress! The _sick_ woman! All you need is a cool name and they could come up with a superhero movie for you!"

"I would like to pause the conversation to welcome Ella's wit back to the table… I've missed you, Witty Whitney."

Ella narrowed her eyes. "If you call my wit Whitney one more time, I'll run over your feet."

"Yup, she's definitely back," Jess winked. "Anyway, even with your dramatic tumble back there, you do not take the cake when it comes to the twists and turns of today."

"Do tell."

"Well, after a relatively mild raging phone call from Luke on Monday –"

"Aw, I miss Luke. Tell him I say hi," Ella smiled.

"I will. Anyway –being accosted by Luke is nothing new." Jess took a deep breath. "Hepburn showed up this morning."

"Oh my God, really?"

"Really. She said she was breaking the pattern because she's tired of the back and forth and she's impatient when it comes to waiting for me –she stole my turn. She wants us to _really_ give it a go, without cutting it short to cut and run. She said she wants to really talk about us and either really go for it or make a clean break."

"Wow," Ella gasped. "What're you gonna do?"

"I have no fucking clue. I'm in the same position I was before. I –I can't get involved with Hepburn right now –with anyone," Jess sighed. "I miss her, and I think we could –but the timing's all wrong. I think if things were different, we could –but things aren't different, and I can't."

"Jess –I have to –what if the baby's not yours?"

"I won't know that for at least three, four, maybe five months, El. I can't expect Audrey to just… wait for me to get news back on something I can't tell her about. She won't –she shouldn't –I wouldn't want her to, it's not fair."

"But what if she does?"

"El, stop it."

"What if she does? And what if you're not this kid's father? Surely you'd give it a shot then…"

"That's an extremely long long shot. Audrey has to put her big gesture on hold for _months_ , which negates the fact that she made it at all. _And_ she has to agree to do it without really knowing why –purely based on what –my trustworthy face? Then, the gamble with Rory has to land in Logan's lap, not mine. That's a lot of unlikely odds. I'm not even –regardless, I'm not in any state to be with someone right now, or in the immediate future. My life is complicated enough without adding a significant other into the mix."

"But Jess –you deserve to be happy."

"I will be –in life, it's not like I'll _never_ be happy, you know that. But my reasons for not telling Audrey about this still stand. I can't –this is sensitive. I can't just tell Rory, 'Hey, so I really want my ex and I to have a fighting chance in hell, so I'm gonna tell her that you could be carrying my baby, because I can't lie to her. Okay?' It doesn't work like that, El. It can't. Audrey showed up _today_ –she wants us to hash it out and if the answer's yes, it would start _now_. And it can't."

"Well, what did you tell her then?"

Jess laughed bitterly. "That brings me to the second curveball of the day. I couldn't have the conversation Audrey wanted to have at the exact moment she wanted to have it because Rory stormed into my office."

"What? What did you do about –? Did they actually meet? I wonder what it was like to have those worlds collide…"

"Rory sent me a text about five minutes before she came in. I got Audrey out."

"You… got Audrey out?" Ella asked.

"I told her to leave."

"And she listened? She actually left?"

"Yup. But the flip side of that is, the conversation we couldn't have today –it still needs to happen."

"Will it?"

"I promised her –she was none too happy that I kicked her out. Don't ask me what I'm going to say –I have no clue."

"Okay, so… that leaves us with Rory then. She stormed in, you said. She was mad?"

"Livid," Jess nodded. "Because of what I told her over Easter weekend about her draft. She doesn't like it that I'm immune to her excuses and am able to show her the harsh light of day. She hates it even more when I happen to be right."

"I don't know much about what all of that's about…"

"You don't need to."

"So, you pointed out a flaw in her writing. My guess is it was a flaw that only you saw. You took her to task for it –harshly –"

"I needed to be harsh, El."

"I never thought that you'd handle it any other way than how you saw fit," Ella assured him. "So, you held her toes to the fire, but my guess is she eventually saw that you were right and she fixed it?"

"She did. She stormed into my office unannounced and threw the draft at me –she was cursing and yelling and threatened to kill me with papercuts. But she fixed it."

"And now?"

"And now her book is perfect, it's ready. And I saw a glimpse of the tough, stubborn, _strong_ Rory I used to know. I hope she sticks around," Jess smirked. "And then I left the office to get you that disgusting miso, got your distress call, came here, picked you up off the floor and here we are."

"Wow, you have had a morning," Ella smiled. "Thank you for the soup. It's very sweet."

"You're welcome. Rory says hi, by the way, she hopes you're better soon. Greg says if you need anything, just call." Jess sighed and put his head down on the table. "I need to hang out with more guys, more often. I need to get away from all the estrogen. Everywhere I turn, there's a woman who's either mad at me or wants something from me –something _big_. My life was so much easier when I hated everyone."

"Well, speaking as your best friend who happens to add to the estrogen pool that you're currently drowning in… hey!" Ella smacked his arm.

"Oh no, I didn't mean you," Jess promised. "You don't complicate my life. You make the craziness livable. I don't want you to go anywhere. I won't let you."

"Poor Jess, drowning in women," Ella teased.

"Seriously."


	18. Chapter 18

Logan came back from London to find that Rory had fire in her veins –a fire he hadn't seen in a long time.

"I need you to help me," she said breathlessly, pulling Logan inside the house a few days after his return from England.

"Help you with what?" he asked.

"My room."

"Your room? What about it?"

"Nothing's right! Things need to move. And I love you for paying for that fancy changing table, but I don't actually think I need it…"

"I think it's too late to return it, Ace," Logan chuckled.

"I know that," Rory sighed. "But I can use it for storage. I _need_ storage!"

"What's going on with her?" Logan whispered to Luke.

"I think this is what they call 'nesting', but I can't really be sure," Luke answered.

"Are women usually slightly _manic_ about nesting?"

"Beats me. But that's your problem, not mine. Best of luck."

"Geez, try not to sound so happy about my misfortune…"

"And why in the world would I do that?" Luke smirked sarcastically. "I do actually quite enjoy that this is _your_ problem now. Welcome back from London, by the way," he said, smacking Logan's shoulder.

"Luke," Lorelai sighed as Logan disappeared into Rory's room, "try to be nice."

"No," Luke grumbled. "Not a chance."

After an hour and a half, all of Rory's baby furniture was readjusted in tiny increments –an inch here, a foot there. The changing table was bursting at the seams, packed with clothing, diapers, wipes, bibs, towels, bottles –even Rory's breast pump. As soon as everything was moved, Rory looked at everything and sighed and made Logan start again –it still wasn't right.

"Logan?" she said softly as he was rearranging everything for the second time.

"Yeah, Ace?" he answered.

"Are we going to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"What we're going to do… about us."

Logan froze. He knew this was a conversation they needed to have, but he still had no clue what to say. He sprinted across the room to close Rory's door. "I don't know what the answer is, Ace."

"Okay, well… you must've thought about it."

"I have."

"And? What are your thoughts?" Rory asked quietly.

"I don't know," Logan admitted.

"Forget for a second –forget about the baby, this whole thing," she said, gesturing first to her belly and then around her room to all of her newly acquired furniture. "Just pretend like it's me –just me. Rory Gilmore is standing here and asking you, Logan Huntzberger –what are _we_ going to do about _us_?"

"Rory… it isn't that simple."

"Well, what if it was?"

"If it was –you know I'm powerless against you," he teased with a wink.

"Why can't it be that simple, then?"

"Because it's not. I wish it were."

"But it can be," she implored, holding back tears. Taking a deep breath, she continued, "Logan, this baby is coming –soon. Are you really telling me that you're going to base your decision about if you love me –about if you want to be with me- purely on whether this child is yours or not?"

Logan sighed. He stepped towards Rory and tried to wipe her tears away, but she flinched back. "I'm saying that I barely know which way is up right now, Ace. I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you –you know that…"

"Yes, I know that. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care about me –love me, even. But that doesn't answer my question, Logan. What are we going to do about us? If you love me so much, don't you at least want to make a good, honest, real effort to be together anyway, regardless of what the paternity test says?

"You were the one who showed up here all indignant a few months ago at the mere thought that I was even considering keeping this pregnancy a secret from you. You were angry with me –hurt- at the _thought_ that I didn't know, instinctually, how much I meant to you –you quite sincerely pleaded with me to understand that I was never a mere affair to you but that I _always_ meant way more than any _mistress_ ever could. So, was that impassioned speech just a big lie? Some of it must be, if you're willing to admit –openly- that you love me while seeming to contradict yourself in the same breath; you seem genuinely unable to decide whether you want me to be part of your future at all, regardless of this child's paternity. This all leads me to question what you mean when you say you _love_ me and that I should _know_ you wouldn't be here if you didn't," Rory countered in an angry whisper.

"I don't think either of us know what to make of our futures right now –together or separate. We can't figure it out right this second. It's gonna take time. We're both going through a ringer right now. Do you really think with everything that's going on, that _right now_ is when we should make the final decision on what our future looks like? Because I don't. I _do_ love you, but this _is_ more complicated than that. I agree, we need to talk about it and we haven't –but we will. We'll figure it out."

"What about Odette? You're still with her, aren't you?"

"Yes," Logan admitted.

"Well, we may be avoiding the conversation, but no matter what we decide, the Vegas agreement is over. There's no more Vegas, Logan," Rory replied sternly.

"I know."

"We need to talk about this."

"We do."

"If you make your decision purely based on… I'll hate you."

"Yeah, I know. I'll hate myself too, believe me," Logan sighed. He should've had something better and more reassuring to say in response, but he just –didn't.

Logan's statement did nothing to quell Rory's fears –it in fact left her with a sinking feeling in her gut that she hoped would be proven wrong –not just in the immediacy of things, but as time progressed as well.

Rory couldn't help but imagine a future with Logan –regardless of the paternity outcome, she at least wanted to _try._ Even after everything they'd been though –going back to the beginnings of their relationship- she still, to her own shock and disbelief, had fallen in love with him all over again.

"The crib's in the wrong place," Rory said, whipping a swaddling blanket at him with impressive force. "Fix it."

Logan caught the blanket and staggered back, staring at her.

"I said fix it! Now!"

* * *

"What the hell happened while I was gone?"

"Who is this?" Jess asked in confusion, barely above a whisper.

"Who do you think it is?" Logan sighed.

"Oh, you."

"Yeah, me."

"Sorry, I didn't recognize the fancy British phone number. So, you actually came back."

"Of course I came back."

"Not 'of course'. That wasn't a given, cutie pie. Part of me was expecting you to just hide out in your cushy penthouse with your beautiful fiancé and your piles of money and influence and pretend that you never had anything to do with the 'predicament' you're caught in the middle of –leaving me to pick up your slack and make sure Rory didn't completely fall to pieces. I'm glad that part of my expectation was proven wrong," Jess explained dryly, still very quietly.

Logan was fleetingly speechless. He'd be lying to himself if he claimed that it never occurred to him while he was in London that he could just stay there –marry Odette right away, dive back into work and carry on like this whole thing with Rory was a bad dream –it would be easy. Of course, he'd never _actually_ do that –but the thought had occurred to him.

"Anyway, what are you on about?" Jess asked.

"Huh?" Logan replied in a daze, starting his car and syncing his Bluetooth.

"I'm busy. I ducked out to take your call. You didn't even bother to say hello before bombarding me with a question I can't remember. What's the problem?"

"I just spent _hours_ at the house, rearranging everything we set up. Apparently it was all wrong, but only by a few inches."

Jess stifled a laugh, "She's nesting, huh?" He wanted to say something else at Logan's mention of 'wrong' and 'inches', but he stopped himself.

"She's… she seems slightly unhinged. Differently than before."

"Yeah. That too. She's gotten some of her kick back. What'd she do to you, pretty boy? What'd she do that has you calling me?"

Logan ignored Jess' question. "She wasn't like this when I left."

"Nope, she wasn't."

"What happened?"

"She snapped out of it –or so it appears."

"How?"

"Not sure. I yelled at her –but I'm sure there's more to it than just that."

"You yelled at her?"

"I did. It's okay, man. She's a big girl, she can take it. She did take it, very well. In fact, she stormed into my office a few days later and threatened to kill me."

"I'm starting to think that's a good thing. Too bad she didn't follow through," Logan said darkly.

"Well, don't discredit the possibility just yet."

"Please tell me you really mean that," he replied with bitter sarcasm. "What did you yell at her about?"

"Her book," Jess answered.

"I don't buy that. Try again."

"It really is a shame that you don't buy it, because that's the God's honest truth. But, her book is about her life –so you can read into that whatever you like –who knows, maybe I was yelling at her about her life by extension. She may still be in denial –in fact, I know she is- but that river's getting shallower."

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Look, Logan –not that I don't _love_ these little chats of ours, but are we done? I really was in the middle of something."

"Yeah, we're done. I'll talk to you later," Logan sighed before hanging up.

* * *

Jess took a deep breath as he hung up the phone, before walking out of his bedroom slowly. "Sorry about that," he said, sitting down on the couch again.

"It's okay," Audrey said. "So…"

"So… you called this meeting, upon threat of death –not me."

"And here you are, indulging my request, so maybe I'm not the only one who –"

"Maybe I just didn't feel like being killed," he smirked.

"Jess. I stated my feelings at your office. We didn't hash anything out, but you know why I was there. You called me because you must think there's an actual conversation to be had –otherwise you could've shut me down before kicking me out, or just not bothered to call me. But you did call me. Which leads me to believe that you have something to say, too."

"Audrey, I –I really wish we had better timing. I agree with you, five years of back and forth is more than enough. I understand everything you're feeling, because I feel it too –we're a good thing, you and me. I know we could make it for the long haul –I don't doubt it. If you think I'm holding out because I think I can do better, you're wrong. I love you, Hepburn, I do."

"Love –your use of the present tense is promising, and yet I sense a 'but' coming on…"

"The guy I was when we broke up and the guy I am now –they're different. You think you'd be getting the same Jess back, but you wouldn't be. I'm not the same –I can't be the guy you need –the guy you deserve –the guy I _want to be for you_. I'm not him. Not right now."

"You look like the same guy to me, Mari."

"I'm not, trust me," Jess sighed.

"Isn't that my decision to make, not yours?"

"Yeah. But I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you believe that I'm the same. I'm not the same, Audrey. I'm not even half the guy I was ten months ago."

"Okay, I realize that a lot can change, but what could possibly have changed that's so seismic? I've known you for six years and we've dated on and off for just over five –the biggest thing I've witnessed actually change in your life –besides you relocating to Brooklyn to expand Truncheon- is the colour of your toothbrush."

"I don't like change, Audrey. But that doesn't mean that change doesn't sometimes kick me in the ass."

"What could've possibly happened within the last ten months that eclipses everything I've seen in the last _six years_? What's happened that outweighs every facet of you that I've known and loved for the last five years? You didn't go rogue and switch to an electric toothbrush, did you? Because if you did, then be still my heart –stop the press- you know how I feel about sonic speed brush heads," Audrey teased.

Jess tried to smile, but instead his throat started to constrict. "You deserve better than who I am right now, Hepburn. You have no idea what you're getting into."

"I think I do."

"But that's the thing –you really don't."

"You can tell me. Why don't you tell me?" she asked gently.

"I can't."

"But you can."

"No, I can't."

Audrey was troubled by the lines she saw etched in Jess' face and the pain she saw reflected in his eyes. Whatever this battle was that he was waging, it was taking its toll on him. "If you're worried about protecting me –" she started to say.

"You can handle yourself, I know that. There's more than just –this thing that's going on with me, Audrey –it's bigger than just me. If it was just about me, I'd lay my soul bare for you right now, but it's not. It's not just about me," Jess tried to explain. "I'm probably not making any sense –but believe me, I'm the Titanic; I'm telling you not to let me drown you."

"Jess, seriously –you're scaring me. Is someone threatening you? Did something happen with Luke? Liz?"

"No. I'm fine. Everyone's fine. It's nothing like that."

"Then what is it?"

"I can't tell you. I wish I could. I wish I wasn't so lost. I'm –I'm lost, Hepburn. I love you too much to let you get lost too. You deserve to be happy –uncomplicatedly so."

"Life is complicated, Jess."

"You know," Jess whispered, sucking in a sharp breath through his nose and staring at his hands, "sometimes I wish I didn't love you _quite_ as much as I do, because then maybe I wouldn't be so concerned with what's best for you."

"What about what's best for _you_ , Mari?" Audrey asked desperately.

"What's best for me is a notion that hardly seems plausible right now. The closest I can figure it right now –the best answer I can give you, is knowing that I don't end up hurting you more later by refusing to do the hard thing right now –that's the only solace I'll get.

"I can't ask you to stay –I can't tell you yes right now knowing that I can't be the man you deserve. You may think, in this moment, that you're getting the man you deserve –but I know I'm not that guy. I'm not the guy who helped you look for your own place after we broke up amicably all those months ago –I'm not the guy who arranged the moving van and then spent the day putting together your furniture. You can't see it right now, but believe me, I couldn't live with myself if I deceived you into thinking that I was that guy," Jess explained, a stray tear tumbling off his cheek. "If I was an unfeeling prick, I might be able to live with myself after seeing the expression on your face when you realize that I'm right, that I'm not the same guy you left behind, I'm his doppelganger, playing with less than half his deck –but I'm not, so I can't.

"I hate clichés Audrey," Jess sighed, "you know I do –but I, I love you too much to ask you to willingly board the Titanic. You deserve more. I'm not saying never –I'm just saying not right now. I don't want to think about the possibility of this being our last chance, but if it is –I can't. I can't do what you're asking of me, not right now –and believe me, you may leave here hating me for it, but in the long run, you'll see this was the right thing."

"How can I possibly see that? Maybe I _would_ –if you'd actually tell me what was going on! If you love me like you say you do –Mari, you used to be able to tell me things. There was a time, in the not so distant past that you used to tell me everything."

"No, Hepburn. I've never told anyone _everything_. Not even you. But you _are_ pretty much the closest I've ever come."

"Oh, so that's what I get? The top prize when it comes to women being in love with you is that I'm 'the closest you've ever come' to telling a girl everything?"

"Do you think this is easy for me? Does it look like this is _easy_ for me?" Jess asked bitterly.

"No, Mari," Audrey whispered, wiping a tear from her cheek, "I can see that it isn't. I can see that something is severely messing with you. Whatever it is that you won't tell me –you don't have to worry that I'm going to assume you're a lying scum bag –I know you're telling the truth, that you're in over your head. But don't you understand? That's part of what scares me. Clearly you're in some kind of trouble –or bind, or –I don't know what, but I know you. You're protecting everyone and everything around you –except yourself."

"Maybe I'm protecting you," Jess said quietly.

"Maybe you are. But it isn't just me, is it? This thing –whatever it is that's eating you- it really is bigger than you, isn't it?"

"Yeah. It _really_ is."

"If you're dealing with this thing, that is so big that pushing me away is what you think you need to do –me, who you know can look after herself –who's looking out for you, Mari? Who's protecting you?"

Jess laughed dryly, as if such a thing weren't possible.

"That's not a joke."

"I'm sorry, Audrey. I'm so –I'm so sorry."

"I know you're sorry –I just wish I knew what for."

"This thing that's going on with me –when I can make heads or tails of it –if it's not too late –if I –can I call you?" Jess asked stutteringly.

"You can –but Jess, I –we can't do this forever. You said it yourself, this was my big gesture. I understand you have stuff to figure out. I respect that I'm in no position anymore to expect to be on the inside track of your life by default –I respect that whatever this is, you feel like you need to keep me on the outside of it –I'm hurt, but I respect it."

"Something tells me that all of the grievances you just listed –and respect- those aren't the real punch to my gut, here…"

Audrey sighed. "I can't promise that when you're ready –if you're ready, whenever that may be and you call me, I –I might not be there to answer. I love you, Jess. Part of me always will. But I can't just keep waiting. You might find –if you ever do call- that while you were busy trying to climb out of quicksand without a rope, I've moved on."

Jess blinked hard and more silent tears fell. "Yeah, I guess that's the rub, isn't it?" he asked softly, staring at his hands once more. "If that's what happens, Audrey, that's okay. I'll be okay. I know that I'm probably handling this shit that's going on with me the wrong way –nothing new there, huh? But I want you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I don't want you to think it now; and if we don't get another shot at this, I don't want you to think it in five or ten years either. I never –I _never_ meant to hurt you. Never, okay?

"I know."

"You know how they say –have you ever heard the saying that people only truly fall in love three times in life, at most?"

Audrey nodded.

"Well, you're one –and I'm not sure a curmudgeon like me even gets three shots, so."

"You're not as curmudgeonly as you think, Mari," Audrey breathed, kissing him softly on the lips. She stood up slowly, "I'll show myself out. Take care of yourself Jess –please."

* * *

"Hello?"

"Ella…"

"Audrey? What –?"

"I just left Jess' apartment. He's –I haven't seen him in such a bad way since –well, ever, maybe."

Ella sighed.

"He wouldn't tell me anything –not that it's really my place to know all of his business these days, or that he ever told me all of it even when it was. But he told me most of it –when I was in a position of having a right to know, I get the feeling that he didn't leave me in the dark about much."

"He really didn't."

"So I know there's a reason he's keeping me at arm's length here –"

"Audrey, I really can't –"

"Oh God, Ella no! I'd never ask you to –but you _do_ know what's going on with him, don't you?"

"Yes. I do."

"Well, that's a small comfort at least –he may not want to let me in, but at least I know he isn't dealing with whatever this is all by himself. I feel better, knowing he's not in this alone."

"No. He's not."

"Is it really as complicated as he says it is? Is it really as much of a mess as he hinted at?"

"Yes."

"Ella –you have to look after him, please. He's busy being the strong silent guy –he's protecting everyone and everything _but_ himself. Someone has to protect Jess in all this. He won't let me –he won't let me in, so that means it's all on you."

"I know."

"Promise me. He calls you his little spitfire –please promise me that you'll literally spit fire at anyone or anything that tries to get at him. Don't let him get hurt so badly that he can't find his way out."

"I promise Audrey. I'll make sure he's okay. I can't promise he'll be unscathed –but I promise you I'll do everything I can to protect him. You know that."

"I do. Do you think he'll be okay?"

"Eventually, yes. But I really can't hypothesize about what constitutes 'eventually.'"

"Are you busy tonight?"

"Drinks –but I won't be home late. Why?"

"You should call him –invite him over for a drink after your drinks. He's –he's pretty raw."

"Okay. I will. Thanks for telling me."

"Thank _you_."

"Audrey –he loves you. You know that, right? Please don't be mad at him forever."

"I do know that. And don't worry –as sure as you'll protect our guy with everything you've got, I won't be mad at him forever. I'm hurting now; but I won't be mad forever, Ella."


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took so long! Damn adulting. I hate it sometimes. But PS, you should get used to longer waits starting late summer. I'm moving in August to start a new school program in the fall. If any of you are dubious, like "She'll still be writing this in August?"... my only other fan fiction story took me fourteen months to do, and I had it way more meticulously planned and mapped out twenty steps ahead than I do this one.

"Well, do you like it?" Emily asked Rory excitedly, talking to her granddaughter about ten days before the end of May.

"Yeah. Of course Grandma, I –I love it," Rory said, a little stiffly. "But I don't understand. I thought you gave Mom money to contribute to the shopping we did a while back."

"Oh, Rory, did you think the only presents I was going to buy for you and your child would be with my money but none of my say so?"

"Of course not."

"I'm only just sorry that I couldn't be there to see the look on your face when you first saw it. Oh, I bet it was priceless."

"I was pretty surprised."

"Balmoral prams are very popular in England. A favourite of the royals and _very_ expensive."

"Well, of course. George and Charlotte can't be seen in a stroller that could've come from Wal-Mart."

"I don't believe they even have Wal-Mart in England."

"They don't, Grandma. I was kidding."

"Yes well –the humour of you and your mother is sometimes lost on me."

"Do you want to talk to Mom, Grandma? She's just pulling up, I can run and get her…"

"Don't you dare run anywhere, young lady. Not in your condition. I can't have you going into labour before I get there," Emily said sternly.

Rory sighed. Disappointed Grandma was back. "Okay. I promise. No running."

"Well, I should go," Emily said abruptly. "Give my best to your mother."

"I will."

"I'll see you in about three weeks, Rory."

"Bye…" she started to say as the line went dead suddenly. "Gee, I love you too, Grandma."

"What is _that_?" Lorelai gasped as she walked into the house.

"That doesn't look very practical –or safe," Luke scrutinized. "Where the hell did this come from?"

"Grandma," Rory rolled her eyes.

"Ah, that explains it," Lorelai nodded.

"Don't even think of putting your baby in this thing, Rory," Luke said. "Look at those wheels! Thin, no tread. And that handle! I have screwdrivers thicker than that! This thing is a death trap. Who the hell built such a crappy stroller?"

"Luke, that's not a stroller."

"She's right," Rory nodded. "It's a Balmoral _pram_. Big difference."

"A what? What the hell's a pram?" Luke asked in frustration. "I know you're super smart, Rory –but that doesn't even sound like a real word."

"Oh, it is."

"What the hell does it mean?"

"It's British for 'stroller' Hun," Lorelai smiled.

"I thought people in England spoke English?"

"They do."

"Well then why the hell can't a stroller just be a damn stroller?"

"Because they're British and everything's fancier over there."

"Whatever. Don't you dare use this _pram,_ Rory. You hear me?" Luke asked.

"Promise," Rory nodded. "And actually, can you take it out of here? It's kind of an eyesore."

"Gladly."

"Mom, can we stick it with that gross coat hanger Grandma gave you back in the day? Maybe they can be reject friends," Rory giggled.

"That's a hilarious picture you've just painted. But, no, sadly. We gave that coat hanger back to her. Remember? It was a re-gift from Grandpa's mom. Grandma demanded it back when Gran was here visiting one time so that Gran would never know she got rid of it," Lorelai reminded her.

"Oh yeah! Hm. I don't think she'd take too kindly to us giving this back to her, huh?"

"Decidedly not, no."

"Rats!"

There was a knock at the door.

"Who are you?" Luke asked gruffly when he opened it to find a blue eyed, blond man he'd never seen before in his life.

"Hi, I'm Greg. Is Rory home?"

"What's your business with Rory? Look, her life is complicated enough, pal."

"I'm not… I'm not here to make her life complicated," Greg answered.

"Pretty boys like you always make women's lives more complicated."

"Uh –I legitimately don't actually know what you think I'm here for, but –I'm married."

"Like that'd stop you."

" _Happily_ married, thank you very much," Greg bit back with an edge of his own. "Jess told me Rory lived here."

"Jess told you?" Luke asked incredulously.

"Yes. We work together. At Truncheon? In Brooklyn. Are you Luke?"

"Yeah…"

"He's told me all about you. Your reputation precedes you," Greg smiled, offering Luke his hand.

"Do I need to go to Brooklyn to kick his ass?"

"I don't think so," Greg laughed. "Look, I don't mean any trouble. You know Rory's been writing a book, right?"

"Yeah…"

"I've been working with her on it as one of her main editors. It's hitting our shelves in a few weeks; we've already been taking pre-orders on our website. I have a few advance copies for her, before the general public can get a hold of it. That's why I'm here."

"Oh," Luke nodded once. "Okay. Come in then. Sorry –for assuming that you're an ass."

"No worries."

"If you turn out to be one though, I'm kicking your honest looking face out of my house."

"Fair enough."

"Rory, you have a visitor," Luke said, taking a hold of the _pram_. "I'll get rid of this. Stick it in the garage for now."

"Greg?" Rory said in surprise. "What're you doing here?"

"Hi…" Lorelai said slowly. "Greg, is it? I'm Lorelai –Rory's youthful older sister."

"Mom," Rory sighed.

"Shhhh, Rory! Honestly, her pregnancy brain is –"

"Greg, this is my mom. Greg's been editing my book, Mom –he knows who you are."

"Why must you spoil all my fun?"

"Spoil what fun?" Luke asked, walking back in the room.

"Batting her eyes at unsuspecting young men," Rory explained dryly.

"It's nice to meet you Lorelai," Greg smiled. "I'll tell anyone who might ask that I was struck speechless by your charm –promise."

"Really?"

Greg winked.

"Oh, so you mean no trouble for Rory, but my wife is a different story, huh?" Luke asked.

"Not to be juvenile, but she started it. I'm just playing along. Her rants are legendary," Greg said, holding the book up slightly. "Would you rather I hurt her feelings?"

"No."

"I thought not."

"Come on, Lorelai, let's let them talk."

"But what if I want to stay here and talk with them?"

"I'll make you coffee and give you chocolate if you give them ten minutes to talk, right now," Luke sighed.

"Will you dance too, Burger Boy?" Lorelai winked.

"Only way to find out is if you come with me."

"Nice to meet you Greg. I have to make sure my Burger Boy dances."

"Nice to meet you too," Greg said as Luke led Lorelai out of the room by the hand. "My God, Rory. Part of me was reading your manuscript, thinking the whole time that you must be exaggerating," he laughed.

"Oh, that I could," Rory chuckled. "Greg –is that –?"

"Yeah. It's why I came. It's all ready. These advance copies are for you. It goes on sale in two weeks."

As Rory took the book from Greg, she started to cry.

"Are you okay, Rory?"

"Yeah –yeah. I just –has he seen it? Has Jess seen it?"

"I don't think so. Boxes were addressed to Truncheon care of me –we don't go through each other's mail. He wasn't in the office when they were delivered last night."

"Oh, okay," Rory said quietly, sitting down and opening the book to its dedication page, where she thanked Lorelai, Emily and Luke; she dedicated it to the memory of her grandfather –and lastly, to Jess for _being the one who always sets me back on course when I'm lost, and without whom this book wouldn't exist_. "Can you –can you do something for me, Greg?"

"Sure."

"Can you not tell him about the whole shipment? Just –just leave a copy on his desk, okay? Do it when he's not in his office. Put it face down, open to the dedication page."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't tell him about –I'm afraid if you just hand it to him, he won't open it. I wanna make sure he sees –if you leave it open on his desk, he'll be curious why it's open –he'll check the page."

"Got it," Greg smiled. "Consider it done."

"Thank you," Rory whispered, getting up to give Greg a hug. "Thank you for everything."

"It's my pleasure; but we're not done yet –you're still stuck with my charming face for a while until we get done promoting this thing."

Rory smiled warmly.

"I have a few more copies in the car. Let me grab them for you –then I'll leave you to your day."

"You won't forget to –?" she asked before he left to head back to Brooklyn.

"I won't forget."

"He can't see you do it, Greg."

"I'm stealthier than I look," he promised.

* * *

"Slow down, Ace," Logan laughed.

"Can't," Rory said, stuffing her mouth even more, "hungry."

"And I thought watching you eat was an experience _before_ you got pregnant. You ate more than enough for two when you were just eating for you and your skinny self. So –how many people would you guesstimate you're eating for now?"

Rory shrugged. "Four, maybe."

"Are you sure you're not having triplets?" Logan teased.

"Positive. I've had Doctor Stevenson check an embarrassing number of times to make sure –to make sure that there's only one baby in there. So... you're okay with the names we talked about? Both? The one for a boy and the one for a girl?"

"Yeah. They're both really great. Unique but not weird –not overused. Do you really think that if I wasn't okay with them, I wouldn't tell you so?"

"I don't know. I was just checking."

"I'm happy with what we talked about Ace –regardless of whether it's a boy or a girl, they're gonna have a great name. What does Jess think –has he changed his mind at all?"

"No. I talked to him last week, a few days after Greg dropped copies of my book to me –which reminds me, make sure I give you one when you drive me home today- he's happy with them. Same as you."

"You seem unconvinced that we actually _are_ happy with them."

"I just want to be sure you feel –included. Both of you. I know this is an unconventional situation, and I would –it's important to me that you both like the names _we_ chose…"

"We do, Rory. We really do," Logan assured her. "I wouldn't tell you I did if I didn't; and I know Jess well enough now to know that he _definitely_ wouldn't mince words if he had even the slightest issue with the names _we_ chose."

"Okay. Just as long as you're _absolutely_ sure…"

"I am. Jess is too. You'd have heard from him by now if he wasn't –trust me."

"Yeah, I guess."

"God, I don't know how you're eating that stuff, Ace."

"Sweet pickles and mayo in a bun is amazing! What are you saying?" she narrowed her eyes.

"And I thought your eating habits before were weird…"

"Watch it, Huntzberger, or I'll stab your hand with my butter knife."

"Can't have that," Logan exhaled a long, heavy sigh and looked at Rory with eyes that betrayed internal conflict.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. It's just –"

"That's not nothing. That's a 'something' face right there. What's going on?"

"I –" Logan sighed again. "I have to go back to London for a while."

"What?" Rory asked, suddenly feeling like she was about to cry. "You can't leave now –the baby –"

"Isn't due for another three weeks. I leave tomorrow. I'm only going to be gone for ten days. I come back June tenth. That's a full two weeks _before_ your due date on June twenty-fourth –first babies are _overdue_ more often than they're early. Ace, I promise –everything will be okay. I don't want to go, but one of the major stakeholder accounts I oversee is threatening to walk. If there's any chance at all of convincing them not to abandon ship –this is something I can't delegate. I have a rapport with them more than any member on my team. _I'm the one who has to fix this._ "

"Yeah. I mean I guess I understand. I do understand –it's just –"

"I know. The timing sucks. _Believe me_ –I wish there was another way to fix this mess –I wish I didn't have to go."

"Will you be seeing Odette while you're back there?" Rory asked quietly.

"Yeah, of course I will," Logan answered matter-of-factly.

"Nothing's really changed on that front, has it?"

"Not really, no," he admitted.

"As soon as I go into labour, Paris is my fourth call after Mom and Luke, Jess, and you. She agreed to perform the bloodwork herself and oversee the lab tests in the hospital; she's confident that she can shorten the wait time for results by a good few weeks. You'd better be there so that she can jab a needle in your arm to extract your blood," Rory explained with a biting tone. "You think I'm mad? Wait until Paris has to track you down internationally. You're a dead man then."

"You asked her to oversee the blood tests to confirm paternity? But in order for her to do that, she needs samples from Jess too."

"She knows. I told her a few days ago –that Jess is the other guy."

"But Jess –"

"He knows too," Rory said tersely. "I called him last night. He's not wild about the idea but he thinks it's better in the long run to have it done by someone we all know and trust. He'll deal with her seething rage and whatever biting comments she serves up in the process. Are you telling me you're not manly enough to deal with Paris?"

"No. That's not what I meant. It's fine."

"So, go on then. Go to London –save your business deal. Spend some time with your wonderful fiancé, whom you love. But you'd better have your ass in that hospital as soon as I go into labour so that Paris can stab you –hard enough, painfully enough to draw blood. If you're not –if you're missing in action for _any_ reason barring fatal injury or your own death- I'll kill you myself, you understand?"

"Fantastic," Logan muttered dryly under his breath. "Yes, Ace, I understand.

* * *

It was Wednesday, May thirty-first. Jess was sitting in Greg's office –the two of them were on the phone with the printing office they contracted to in Brooklyn. It was the last meeting of the day –and it was a painful one. Jess felt his phone buzz in his pocket and held a finger to Greg, indicating for him to keep talking with the printing company. He answered his cellphone without bothering to look at it first.

"Paris is going to be doing our fucking DNA bloodwork? Rory told me you know about this and you're okay with it. How the fuck are you okay with it?" Logan screamed as soon as Jess picked up the phone.

"Jesus Christ, Logan –how about asking me if I'm in a place where it's okay for you to scream at me about this?" Jess asked sharply in a whisper. "The whole world doesn't revolve around you. You're pissed, I get it –but I can't afford for anyone to overhear your fucking tantrum."

"Sorry."

"Yeah. I bet you're really torn up about it. Give me a second, will you?" Jess excused himself from Greg's office and went into his own, shutting the door. "To answer your hysterical question –is it ideal? No. Do I think Paris might wring our necks while she draws our blood? It's probably pretty likely, but then, you know her better than I do. Rory said she graduated first in her class at Harvard Med and now she runs her own fertility clinic –she's certainly qualified. Rory trusts her. She feels better about Paris doing it than some stranger –I can't say I blame her. Sorry to rain on your fit there, Shrieky –but if you're looking for a partner in your righteous indignation, you're barking up the wrong tree."

"Jess, this is bullshit!"

"Of all the things that have happened in our lives over the last couple of months, _this_ is what you call bullshit on? Paris Geller performing a blood test on us? You're more messed up than I thought, man. Unless Paris Gellar has changed radically, as I remember it, she wouldn't even _have_ any friends to gossip to even if she wanted. Fidel Castro was a better social butterfly. Plus, _she's a doctor_ –she understands confidentiality. Better than you do, that's for sure. Don't worry Logan –glares can't kill, you'll live. Rory trusts her. That's what matters. Another plus, she's a badass –did you ever stop to think that maybe with Paris Geller in charge, she might be able to scare people in the lab into returning a result back faster than some average, Joe Schmoe doctor?"

"Rory might've mentioned that, but I guess I didn't –"

"No. Of course you didn't. Don't worry –I'm _pretty_ sure she won't sneak heroin into the needle and shoot a fatal overdose into your veins in place of your blood."

"Now I'm gonna be worried about _that_ too. Thanks so much. I'm so glad I called," Logan sighed.

"Why _did_ you call?" Jess asked. "Just to yell, or –"

"I have to go to London unexpectedly."

"Unexpectedly? When do you –?"

"I'm on my way to the airport now."

"When are you back?"

"June tenth."

"Cutting it a little close there, aren't you, Richie?"

"She's not due until the twenty-fourth. I'll be back by then."

"I never assume anything when it comes to you. Least of all that you'll actually show up. I'm pleasantly surprised every time. And I hope that continues to be the case –but sorry pal, I'm not assuming anything when it comes to you –let alone the _best_ case scenario. Are we done? You forced me out of an important conference call."

"Yeah, but Jess, we still have more to talk about…"

"No, we don't. And I'm not nearly as enthralled by the sound of your voice as you are."

"You don't have to be such an ass," Logan snapped.

"I'm sorry –have you not met me? _I am an ass_ , Logan. Don't worry –you're not special. I'm an ass –kinda known for it, actually. Jess Mariano, Professional Asshole at your service –going on thirty-three years running. Have a nice trip. Try not to piss off those weather patterns –I hear Turbulence is _real_ bitch when she's PMS-ing," Jess said bitingly before hanging up the phone.

Jess yanked open his office door to find Greg standing there –and Matt, and Chris, and Bry and even Luke. All of them had goofy grins on their faces. "What are all you guys –Luke? What's going on?"

"Ella called us," Matt said.

"And?"

"And she may have mentioned that you were –and I quote 'drowning in estrogen,'" Chris said.

"And you guys are here to –what, exactly?"

"Fix it," Bry said.

"She even called _me_ , Jess," Luke said. "It's Wednesday, and here we all are –even I still came. You must be in pretty sorry shape."

"I'm gonna kill her," Jess sighed.

"Don't you dare. It's a mystery to me how or why a spunky, charming woman like that cares about you as much as she does –but she does. If you give her shit for doing a nice thing, I'll take a sledgehammer to your _head_ , dear nephew –screw your walls."

"What 'nice thing'? What does she want you to do, exactly?"

"She ordered us to take you out," Greg said, "for some guy time."

"She _ordered_ you to?" Jess asked.

"Yes. Do you think we would dream of doing anything _but_ listen to her? She may be tiny, but she's scary –not to be messed with," Chris said.

"She told us that we should all go out and harness the power of our 'pure aggression and brutal, animal, savage instincts. Go out and embrace your inner cavemen!' she said. That's a direct quote. She told us to get you too drunk to even _think_ about being an astronaut –you're to be nothing but a caveman all night, and even into tomorrow. Do you have any idea what she means by all that? She said you would know what she meant…" Bry said dubiously. "You have tomorrow off, by the way."

Jess chuckled to himself. He'd picked his best friend very, very well. "Yeah, I know what it means."

"Care to explain it to us?" Luke asked.

"Sure –but it involves watching TV."

"Ugh, never mind. Explain it to your friends –not me."

"No, no, Uncle Luke. You asked. Everyone needs to know, right? Therefore, everyone will get the answer. It'll only take about five minutes. YouTube is a beautiful thing."

"What the hell is a YouTube?"

"All right, someone else explain that one," Jess laughed, pulling out his phone.

"I cannot watch anything on a screen that small. It's a wonder you're not all blind," Luke grumbled.

"All right fine. Greggers, go into my office and search ' _Angel – cavemen versus astronauts_ '. I'll be right there."

"Nope," Matt said, snatching Jess' phone.

"What the hell, man? I'm just gonna call Ella and –"

"No you're not. She told us to tell you not to call her till you're way hung over tomorrow and _really_ embracing your inner caveman –she wants to hear the caveman," Chris explained.

"Video's ready," Greg called.

After watching it, Luke was still confused. "That still makes no sense."

"Well, that's a shame –it's as much explanation as the show ever gives. It's just a silly argument between two vampires, Luke. They're fighting over a debate as old as time. What wins out? Logic and intellect or brutal animal instinct? Plus, it's hilarious. Ella wants me to turn my intellect off, even if only briefly." Jess caught sight of Bry out of the corner of his eye. "Bry –what the fuck are you doing? Stop snooping around my bag!" he yelled.

"Nope, sorry. More rules from Ella. She doesn't want you spending the whole night ignoring the testosterone party with your nose in a book," Bry chuckled, pulling three novels out of his friend's bag.

"I really am going to kill her," Jess muttered.

"Why?" Luke asked.

"Because she knows me too well."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> People shouldn't be convinced that Jess is going to get so drunk that he'll blab everything. He won't. Ella absolutely has no ulterior motive to this effect either. She's his best friend and he's trusted her with something HUGE and very sensitive. What kind of person would she be if she manufactured a way for Jess to drunkenly blab everything? She just wants to give him a break from all the estrogen ;)


	20. Chapter 20

Logan found himself wishing that he had a more mature and trusted social network. He _knew_ everyone he worked with –liked them- but he was friends with none of them. He had Colin, Finn and Robert, but none of them were in London –and hardly the types to be trusted with the sensitive information he was struggling with. There was Odette, but Logan couldn't exactly confide in _her_ about what was going on. He considered talking to Honour, but he feared that she'd fail to understand the complexities and subtitles of the situation –she may not comprehend how this truly rocked him to his core or why the decision before him was so complicated, but instead approach it simply: either be with Rory or don't.

Logan was suddenly jealous of Jess –he didn't actually know if anyone in Jess' life was aware of what was going on, but it was clear he was _friends_ with the people he worked with, that he had a support system to boulter him and cushion his fall –even if they didn't know what they were bouldering or cushioning against. Logan didn't have that. Logan was an island –friends with everyone, but close with no one, save Odette and Rory, neither of whom could help in this situation. The friends he _did_ consider confidantes couldn't be confidantes in this instance; it demanded discretion and delicacy that Colin, Robert and Finn fundamentally lacked.

Rory's questions of what they were doing and what they were _going to do_ were spinning around in his head as he saved his business deal. The answers she wanted were really not all that unreasonable. She was right –the pregnancy was just the latest twist, but the two of them had been whole-heartedly committed to their arrangement long before that was an issue. He thought he'd made it clear, that he loved her. But then why –why the pointed questions at the dance club the previous fall? Why had she quietly but resolutely broken them apart at the bed and breakfast the following morning? It seemed clear that though it was painful, she had made up her mind. _Because you're engaged, you fool_ , Logan thought to himself, _you made it clear that wasn't changing, so Rory took herself out of the equation._

But now –now everything was different. Rory's pregnancy awakened all the feelings that she supressed when she broke up with him, all the love she still felt. It was clear to Logan when she broke it off with him that it wasn't because the love was gone. This pregnancy was like their love's deep and dying breath, making one last impassioned plea to be saved. Regardless of whose baby Rory was carrying, Logan could decide 'to hell with it, this is my last shot to be with her; she's my soulmate.' The question is… would he take that shot? The answers Rory was after –how he felt about her and what he saw of their future together –if any- were not unjustified, he just didn't know if he had them. And that bothered him.

Logan loved Rory. But he questioned whether he loved her _enough_ to abandon everything he knew, anger his family, break Odette's heart and turn his life upside down to be with her –and in so doing, assume a parenting role in the process. It wasn't just Rory he'd be creating a life with, but Rory and her child. If the child was his, there was no question in his mind. But he didn't know if he had the fortitude to take such a big leap without knowing whether the baby was his –he liked to believe that he could leap, that he would leap, regardless; but he was wavering on the edge of this life-changing precipice.

No matter what he decided, he was going to hurt someone –badly.

As he lay beside Odette the night before his return flight to the States, Logan found himself mesmerized by watching her sleep. His throat started to constrict as he thought about the pain he was going to cause her, catching her completely unawares. Stroking her hair softly, he let out a shaky sigh. "I'm probably going to hurt you," Logan whispered to Odette's sleeping form, "inflict cruelty upon you that you don't deserve. I'm so sorry, my love. If I break your heart, I'll apologize, but you won't hear it or accept it. So I'll tell you now –your heart doesn't deserve to be broken and if I break it, please know, that'll be a pain I live with for the rest of my life. I'm hoping for the best –but I'm already making room for the pain of hurting you –I'm making room for the scar; the stain I'll carry. I do love you, Odette. I'm just not sure that I love you _enough_. I know I promised you forever –but I don't know if I can keep that promise –and I'm so sorry."

* * *

At nine fifteen in the evening on Saturday, June tenth, Logan was sitting in his seat in business class, awaiting take-off on a direct flight from London to Hartford.

At the same time, it was four fifteen in the afternoon in Brooklyn and Jess was driving Ella home after spending hours together at Truncheon, ironing out the details of her latest piece slated to appear in the upcoming 'zine.

Jess' phone was in the cup holder directly to the right of the driver's seat when it started to buzz. He ignored it –he didn't have hands-free set up in his car and he never talked on the phone when he was driving, if he could help it. But as soon as the call went to message, his phone started buzzing all over again. By the third round, Jess sighed in exasperation. "I fucking hate cellphones. People just think you're available to be at their beck and call twenty-four hours a day. Does it ever occur to people that if you don't pick up, maybe you're _not_ reachable at that exact moment? Jesus."

Ella laughed. It was true that Jess' phone rarely rang off the hook in such a way. "It's Rory," she said, cocking her head to the side to read the screen.

"Rory?" Jess asked. "That's the third time she's called in five minutes…" he mused. "That's not like her, unless something's up. Can you answer it?"

"Sure," Ella said. "Hey, Rory? It's Ella. Jess is driving right now, can he –wait, what? … Okay. Okay –okay. Yeah. Got it."

"What'd she want?"

"Turn around."

"Why?"

"Jess –turn –wait… pull over."

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

"Okay, okay," Jess sighed, slowing down and pulling in tight to the curb. He put his four-way blinkers on and looked at Ella expectantly. "So? What's so important you made me pull over?"

Ella took a deep breath and looked Jess square in the eye. "Rory's in labour. Her mom and Luke are with her –they're getting ready to take her to the hospital. She's okay. You need to take a few deep breaths, make sure your head is screwed on right and start the car and turn around. You need to get on the I-95 and drive to Connecticut. Now."

"Wait, she's –"

"In labour."

"But it's –it's too early!"

"It's not _too_ early. It's just early. Baby doesn't care if it's early; baby's coming."

Jess' hands started trembling and he felt the blood drain from his face. "No –no, I need to take you home first. I'll take you home and then I'll –"

"Jess!" Ella yelled, grabbing his hand as he went to turn the key in the ignition. His skin was cold and clammy. She squeezed his hand and held it tightly. "You don't have time. Who knows how long she'll be… by the time you take me home and _then_ drive all the way to Connecticut, that'll take you well over two hours. You don't know if you have that kind of time. Take me with you. I'll stay away from everything; no one has to know I'm even there. I have my laptop. I'll work."

"Ella –I'm –"

"I know. One thing at a time, okay? First thing, deep breaths. Then, start the car and drive. Just get the hospital. You can do that, right?"

"Yeah," Jess sighed deeply. "I can do that."

"Good," Ella smiled softly. "Let's go."

They drove in tense silence.

"What now?" Jess asked when they arrived at the hospital two hours later.

"Now we go inside," Ella answered.

"What if I can't?"

"That's not an option. You wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you sat here in the car the whole time Rory was in labour. You know that."

Jess helped Ella into her wheelchair and pushed her inside.

"Okay, based on what Rory said between screams…. we go in here, you take the elevators to the left up to the fifth floor. That's the maternity wing. She said to just tell them who you are and give them her name at the charge desk. Your name's on a list somewhere. They'll let you right in."

"I go upstairs and they're gonna know."

Ella reached behind her to grab Jess' arm and pull him around to face her. "You got the call, drove all the way here and walked into this hospital before that even occurred to you. What do you think that means? I think it means that you're realizing that keeping this secret isn't worth it –not if you miss the opportunity to be part of this. It's only Lorelai and Luke up there. You can handle that, can't you? I know you can."

"I don't know if I can."

"Fine then. Let's go home. If you can't do it, you can't do it –I won't make you. We can leave, Jess. No one's forcing you to be here. If you _really_ can't handle this then, we can go."

"No," Jess sighed, shifting his weight back and forth nervously. "I can't just leave. I have to be here for her. I mean, Logan's not even –oh shit! Logan! He's supposed to be coming back today. Shit, shit, shit! Fuck, he's gonna have _no idea_ what's going on when his plane lands. Here," he said, fishing his phone out of his pocket, "call him –incessantly- until he answers. Get him to come straight here from the airport. I don't care who you tell him you are or how you explain how you know what's going on, just get him here. I can't take care of Rory and worry about him at the same time. When he gets here, tell him where to go and give him my phone to bring back to me."

"There he is."

"There who is?"

"You. Go. I will make sure Logan finds you, you have my word," Ella promised. When she took Jess' phone, she held tight to his hand. "It'll be all right. This is huge and scary and not what you wanted –I know that. But somehow, it'll all be okay. I'm gonna be down here the whole time, I'm not leaving until you do. I don't care how long it takes. No one else will know that I'm here besides you and Rory and Logan when he gets here. But I'm not concerned about them. Rory has you and Logan. I'm here for you, okay? If you need to get away from all that up there, I'll be right here. If you're overwhelmed, if you need a minute, come sit with me. But if you don't, that's okay too."

Jess never knelt to be eye to eye with Ella –he knew she found it patronizing and truth be told, so did he. But now, he dropped to his knees so fast that it didn't even register as a conscious action. "Thank you," he whispered, hugging her tightly, "for being my little spit fire. I'd never have made it through all of this if it weren't for you."

"Yeah you would've. But thanks to me, the stress has had no negative effect on your rugged good looks. Jess –I'm on your side, no matter what. I know you're walking into a hornet's nest up there, I know this isn't what you wanted, or even close to anything that you thought would ever happen. But I also know who you are –not who you used to be, who you _are_. Whatever happens next, if you fall apart, I'll help you fix it. You carry me, I carry you," she winked. "It's what best friends do."

Jess smirked and backed away from Ella slowly before turning to run for the elevator. When it took too long, he took off towards the stairwell.

Ella smiled as she fished her own phone out of her pocket and dialed a number. "Hi, Mike, it's Ella. … I'm good, I'm good –listen, I know we were supposed to go out tonight and I was really looking forward to it, but I –I have to cancel, I'm sorry. I'm okay, nothing happened to me, but I just –I had to go to the hospital. … No! No! I'm fine I promise, but there's been a, a family emergency. Everything will be fine, but I have to be here… Oh no, you don't need to keep me company, it'd be really boring for you here. We'll reschedule, I promise –soon! … Okay. Thanks, I will. Bye, Mike."

* * *

"Hi, I need to find my friend Rory, she's um –she's having a baby," Jess said breathlessly after running up five flights of stairs.

"So is pretty much everyone on this floor, sir," the nurse smiled. "Does your friend Rory have a last name?"

"Gilmore."

"Hm. I don't see any Rory Gilmore here. Are you sure that's her name?"

"No, I drove here from Brooklyn, left my best friend in the lobby and ran up five flights of stairs to offer support to my friend whose name I don't know. Of course I'm sure, damn it!"

"Okay, okay. Take some deep breaths. Try to relax."

"Not a possibility."

"Okay. What's your name then?"

"Oh, right! There's a list! I'm on the list!"

"I'm sure you are, sir, but in order for me to confirm that and let you in to be with your friend, I need your name."

"Jess. Mariano. Jess Mariano."

The nurse smiled. "Yes, I see, here you are! Can I see some ID please?"

Jess produced his driver's licence.

"Perfect. Thank you, Mr. Mariano. She's listed under her full first name –Lorelai, that's why I couldn't find her a minute ago. But Rory's my girl."

"Your –I'm sorry?"

"I'm her nurse. Well, I wasn't assigned to her, technically –but I'm the only nurse she's seen out of four of us on this entire floor that she hasn't tried to whip her pitcher of ice chips at. I think that means she likes me. My manager has told me to just stay with her. I'm Chelsea –she told me you might be coming."

"Might?"

"She wasn't sure. She said things were complicated –that you guys have been through a lot."

"Was she actually scared I wouldn't come?"

"Seemed that way," Chelsea said quietly as they headed toward the room. "Here we are."

"Hey, wait," Jess whispered. "Chelsea, was it?"

"Yeah."

"Rory's not wrong –things are complicated. Her mom and her mom's husband –they don't know _how_ complicated things –but they will as soon as I walk in there. Before all that hits the fan I –I'd like to have just a minute with her, before the cat's out of the bag. Can you –can you make up some reason to get Lorelai and Luke out of there for a few minutes, so I can have some time with her, before the woman in labour isn't the only one screaming? Just tell them there are forms they need to sign or something –offer to show them where the coffee machine is –"

"Rory's mom already found it –I've seen her make six trips."

"How long have they even been here?"

"Little less than three hours."

"Of course," Jess rolled his eyes. "Please, Chelsea. Can you think of something?"

"You're lucky you have an honest face," Chelsea smiled.

"Wow –I'm fairly certain no one's ever said that about my face in the history of –ever."

"Well, I can't say what it might look like on any other day than today but –today it's an honest face. Go wait over by the corner there. Watch for me to get them out of the room. From the second you see me leave with them, you're on a clock –you'll have five, six minutes tops."

"Aw, Chelsea –you're beautiful!"

"It's not my first rodeo. I hope you don't fumble under pressure, Mr. Mariano. I can't get you a do-over."

"Jess. My name is Jess. You're doing me a solid, Chelsea. People rarely fall under my good graces as fast as you've just done. You get to call me Jess."

"Fine. Jess. No do-overs. Whatever it is you need to say, get it right."

"When it counts, I get it right. And today it counts."

"Glad to hear it. Now go hide!"

Jess watched like a hawk. As soon as he saw the door to Rory's room open, he strode quietly down the hallway in large galloping steps, catching the door before it even had a chance to swing or latch shut behind Luke. He was so quiet, Rory didn't even notice him come in. "Hey," Jess exhaled heavily.

The sound of his voice was unexpected and it made Rory lurch in surprise. When she recognized Jess, her face contorted and she started to cry. "I –I didn't think you were gonna –ah! I really didn't think you were gonna come."

Rory was obviously in pain. Her contractions were intense enough to make her grimace. She was out of breath and drenched in sweat. Intellectually, Jess knew that childbirth was something women went through every day, but the sight of Rory in _so much_ pain made his heart ache for her –he wished that there was something –anything he could do to make her more comfortable.

Just then, he remembered sneaking into Barnes & Noble a few weeks before and spending the whole day there reading up on how husbands, boyfriends and partners could be supportive of their women during labour. He remembered reading about a sweet spot on a woman's lower back –find it, massage it just right and it'll do _something_ to ease her discomfort, even if only slightly. Slightly could be a lot. Jess ran over to her and started massaging the small of her back. "Of course I came, Ror," he whispered gently. "Of course I'm here. Breathe –just breathe, nice and slow. That's it."

"Oh, whatever you're doing to my back –that feels good. Keep doing that –that makes it a tiny bit better. I'm stuck at four centimetres, Jess and they want to give me Pitocin, so that I can keep progressing. But that's just going to make my pain worse and they have to give me that before the epidural."

"And the epidural is…?"

"The wonder drug that will numb me to everything but the feeling of pressure that you get when you need to push. It's inserted directly into the spine through a huge ass needle, which I would normally be scared of, but any needle that takes my pain away –I'll take it, and seriously consider marrying the anesthesiologist who administers it. But Pitocin needs to come first –my pain needs to get a whole hell of a lot worse before it gets better."

There were a few beats of silence and Rory looked at Jess again with teary eyes. "I know what this means –what it must've taken for you to be here today –knowing that –anyway, I don't know how to thank you. Jess, I'm –I'm so sorry for everything. It's a broken record by now, I know –but I don't deserve you –this from you. I really can't believe you came."

"Keeping a secret isn't nearly as important as being here –being here when you need me."

"I do need you here Jess."

"I know –which is why being here is –I know what this means. To hell with the cost of secrecy."

"Jess," Rory said weakly, in a small voice that sounded much more befitting to a young, terrified child, rather than the thirty-two-year-old woman she actually was. "I'm scared. What if something goes wrong? What if I can't do this?"

"Do you mean labour and childbirth or –?"

"All of it. What if the labour's too painful, what if something goes wrong during the labour or the birth? What if I can't be a mom? What if I can't do this –this thing now, here, today and everything that comes after it. What if I can't do it?"

Jess reached for the damp cloth sitting in cool water by Rory's bedside and crouched down to wipe the sweat off her brow. "Everything will be fine, Rory. I promise. Everything will go fine today; and when it comes to motherhood, everything will be fine too –it won't be without its fuck ups, both big and small. But you'll figure it all out as you go –even the most prepared parents in the world have to figure out parenthood as they go. That's a fundamental truth even for the most prepared mother on the planet," Jess said softly. "You are one of the strongest and most resilient people I've ever known. You think your strength is gone, but it's not –it's just a little lost. You'll find it and you _will_ be a great mom, I don't doubt it for a second. I should know –whenever you're lost I'm the one who sets you back on track. Right now you feel alone and desperate and scared –you're lost. When you're lost, I'm the one I know you count on to set you back on course –always," he said poignantly. "So trust me –it may take time and it may feel like the furthest thing from the truth in this very moment, but you _will_ be a great mother, Rory Gilmore."

It took a few seconds for the significance of Jess' statement to dawn on her. _Right now you feel alone and desperate and scared –you're lost. When you're lost, I'm the one I know you count on to set you back on course –always._ "You read the dedication," she whispered, overwhelmed with emotion.

"I read the dedication," Jess smiled, leaning in to place a delicate kiss on Rory's cheek.

"I meant it, you know. What I said in the dedication."

"I know you did. I meant what I said too, Rory. Everything's gonna be okay. Somehow –everything will be okay. You can do this."

"Where's Logan? I need Logan here too. He can't miss this!"

"He's still in the air, flying back from London. Ella's downstairs with my cellphone calling him incessantly until he answers once he's landed. She'll make sure he comes straight here. We'll make sure he gets here."

"But what if he's too late?"

"He won't be. Even if it's just in the nick, he'll get here. He will."

Suddenly Rory's breathing sped up and became shallow. This was a bad one. "Ah! Oh God, I can't. Jess –it hurts," she cried.

"Yes you can. Look at me, Rory," Jess paused until Rory's eyes met his. He took her hand and squeezed it tight. "Yes you can. Squeeze my hand as hard as you can; however badly it hurts, that's how hard I want you to squeeze, okay? You've got this, just breathe. Try to breathe, Ror." He noticed when her pain subsided. "Good, good. Almost there. It's coming down, down," he said, watching the monitor, "down to nothing. That's it Rory, breathe nice and easy."

"Thank you."

Jess said nothing, but he tightened his grip on her hand fleetingly and gave her a reassuring smirk.

"Jess?" Luke said in surprise when he came back into the room. "When did you get here? Why –how did you even know you _needed_ to be here –you don't _need_ to be here. Why are you here?"

"Your uncle may be running around his questions in a very confusing manner, but he has a point," Lorelai said the sight before her. "I'm wondering a lot of those things myself –I mean, it's nice you're here, but holding my daughter's hand and lovingly talking her through a contraction requires a bit of an explanation. I know you guys have reconnected recently, but…"

"Hey, so, Rory –I think it's time for you to start the Pitocin drip," Chelsea interjected.

"Doesn't a doctor need to do that?" Rory asked.

"I'm a nurse practitioner, I have the qualifications to administer IV meds based on Dr. Stevenson's explicit orders regarding dosage and drip rate. Would it be all right if everyone gave us the room while I get the IV started?" she asked, eying Jess.

_Thank you, Chelsea_ , he thought to himself. Jess walked over to the door of the room "Outside," he whispered to Luke and Lorelai. "I'll explain everything, but not here, with Rory in the room. It'll distress her, which is the last thing she or the baby needs right now." He motioned for Luke and Lorelai to exit first –Jess closed the door tightly behind him as he stepped into the hallway.

"Jess, something's going on here," Luke said lowly. "What's going on?"

"I know you both might want to kill me once I've explained all this, but promise me you'll suppress that urge until Rory's had the baby. Also, promise me you'll kill _me_ , not her. This stays between us, got it? The whole town doesn't need to know."

"Jess, what on earth are you talking about?" Lorelai asked.

Jess took a deep breath and balled his hands up in fists at his sides. "The baby might be mine."

" _What_?" Luke gasped. "That's not funny, Jess."

"I'm not laughing."

"Jess, what are you saying?" Lorelai whispered in disbelief.

"Jesus, I didn't think I'd have to spell it out quite so much," Jess rolled his eyes. When he was met with intensifying glares on either side of him, he reigned it in. "Sorry."

"But Logan –"

"The baby might also be his."

Luke shook his head violently. "Are you saying –?"

"Rory doesn't know," Jess said quietly. "We –it was only once. But –she slept with me and Logan in the same week. She doesn't know whose baby it is. Logan's been the one to be around, because he has a relationship with Rory that I don't. Rory and I decided to keep it to ourselves until we knew –because it would change everything for her, for me, in Stars Hollow and we figured we should avoid all that until we knew."

"I don't understand, how long have you known?" Lorelai asked.

"Remember when Rory came to Brooklyn in January?" Jess replied. "I've been behind the scenes."

"Jesus Christ, Jess," Luke spat. "I could kill you."

"For what? Being an adult? Making an adult choice that happened to turn out badly? You're gonna punish me –punish Rory, for making a choice? I didn't take advantage of her Luke. We _both_ let this thing happen. I get it –the impulse to kill me. I don't blame you. But you can kill me tomorrow, okay?"

"Wait, Jess. How'd you know to come here?" Lorelai asked.

"Rory called me, as you guys were getting ready to take her here. She didn't make me come."

"You must've known the jig would be up when we saw you here."

"Yeah," Jess shrugged. "But it didn't occur to me once until I'd arrived here and was down in the lobby. It was too late to turn back. I can live with making you guys angry –I couldn't live with –I couldn't _not_ be here just to save my own hide. What do you take me for?"

Lorelai was confused. She didn't know what to think. And yet, as Jess stood there shrugging his own discomfort off, easily saying that being here for Rory was the more important thing, she couldn't help but smile and have a slightly softened heart. "It took a lot of courage to –"

"To do the right thing? Yeah. I'm still questioning my sanity. If you think I _didn't_ have fleeting moments of being completely terrified as I was getting here –I was definitely rattled. But being here was never a choice, really. Anyway, that's that. Can you kill me later, please? And maybe not let this slip to the whole town?"

"I think we can help you out with that, yeah," Lorelai agreed.

"If Rory's grandmother is around, I'll make myself scarce."

"No. Rory went into labour early. Emily's not due here for another few days."

"Okay. Logan's on his way back from London. I left him messages to come here as soon as he lands."

Lorelai smiled again.

Rory screamed in pain from inside her hospital room.

Jess immediately reacted to the noise, but then turned to Lorelai. "You should go in. Help her out. Explain that I told you and I got you to promise to hold off on killing me. She won't believe it unless it comes from you."

"I didn't promise anything," Luke said sternly.

"Let's go for a walk, Uncle Luke."

"Wait! When will you know? About the baby?" Lorelai asked.

"Paris is coming to do bloodwork, she's gonna take samples from me and Logan and the baby and run the tests. I don't know," Jess shrugged, "a month, maybe two?"

"You did the right thing, Jess. Being here. I won't forget it," Lorelai promised.

* * *

"Fine mess you're in, huh?" Luke sighed as he and Jess walked to the other end of the maternity floor and took a seat in a few very uncomfortable chairs.

"Yeah," Jess sighed. "I know you're mad."

"Damn right, I'm mad! What the hell were you thinking?!"

"Is that a question you actually expect an answer to? We weren't thinking, Luke. I love you, but the details of that day –they're none of your business."

"You and Rory –you're not even together…"

"Nope, we're not."

"Why the hell didn't you wear a condom?" Luke whispered, a little uncomfortably.

"Really? You wanna go there?" Jess chuckled. "All right. Fine. I had one. _Rory_ told me not to. She said she was on the pill. Sometimes, genuine accidents happen, Luke. I realize this is a fine mess, but this didn't happen because I was dumb, or because she was dumb. We made an error. It happens. I'm very aware of how badly we messed up. You think Rory doesn't realize how badly _she_ messed up? There's about to be a living, breathing reminder of our calculated error –a calculated error she made _twice_ –with me _and Logan._ Do you really think I need you yelling at me in order to realize that I messed up? That I should've known better? Trust me, I don't."

"If the kid's yours, what are you gonna do?"

"What I have to."

"What if the kid is Logan's and he fucks off, or isn't around as much as he should be?"

"See above, re: what I have to. I won't be a father to Logan's kid, I refuse. But if Rory needs my help, I can't –I wouldn't turn her away. Not ever. You know that."

Luke smiled.

"What?"

"You're your mother's son, that's for sure," he grumbled. "You make a ton of the stupid mistakes she used to. Mistakes that make me want to wring your neck and hang you out to dry. Mistakes you're way too smart to make. You fall into all the same stupid traps."

"Gee, thanks," Jess rolled his eyes.

"But you know what else?"

"I'm afraid to ask…"

"You may be your mother's son, but you're also _my_ nephew," Luke said, emphasizing each word and looking into Jess' eyes. "I know, no matter how this thing shakes out, you'll step up. You'll do the _right thing_. You're _my_ nephew, Jess Mariano. When it gets right down to it, you'll do the right thing –no matter the cost. I'm still mad. I still think you did a stupid thing. But I know you won't run away. I know it, that's _my_ nephew in there. So –I'm mad at you, I'm mad at the choice you made and the resulting mess you're in, but you do have my respect. You'll always have my respect and my support, Jess."

Jess looked at his uncle with misty eyes. "Thanks," he whispered, swallowing the lump in his throat.

By the time Luke and Jess made their way back to Rory's room, she'd gotten her epidural. Rory told them all about the nice anesthesiologist named Casey who was her new best friend. "I've never been so happy to see a man wielding a giant needle," she smirked. Mercifully, the epidural was strong enough to let her get some rest. Within an hour, she'd drifted off into a light sleep.

Jess sat on a small loveseat across from the foot of Rory's bed, watching her breathe. He had to physically strain his muscles to keep his hands from shaking like leaves. He bit his tongue to keep from screaming.

* * *

By nine o'clock, Ella was dialing Logan's number from Jess' phone every ten minutes. She had no idea when this guy's plane was supposed to land, but based on how long they'd been at the hospital, she figured it must be soon.

"Oh my God! You're there!" Ella said in surprise, picking up when Jess' phone rang. "Hi!"

"You're not Jess –unless Jess got a sex change operation…"

"Ew, gross. No. Jess did not get a sex change."

"Well then who the hell are you? I have like, thirty missed calls from Jess. This is his phone number, right?" Logan asked.

"Yes, it is."

"What the hell is going on?"

"Logan?"

"That's me. And you are?"

"I'm Ella, Jess' friend."

"Why do you have his phone?"

"Because he's busy and he put me in charge of making sure you get here."

"Get where? What are you talking about, lady? I'm jet lagged and not in the mood for games, so choose your words wisely."

"You have to get to the hospital. Rory's in labour."

"What?" Logan gasped. "But there's still two weeks before –"

"My God. Why don't men understand that babies come when they want? They don't give a damn about what day it is," Ella sighed.

"Wait, how do you even know about Rory?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yeah, because I don't know if I can trust you."

"Listen, pal… you've been getting incessant calls from a woman that you don't know, calling you from _Jess'_ phone. Would I really have his phone and be calling some guy that I have no reason to give a shit about unless I knew the score and was telling you the truth? I don't know you from Adam, therefore – _I_ don't care whether you're here or not. Jess is with Rory. He can't very well be with her and be calling you at the same time, can he? Rory's been in labour since like, four. You'd be well advised not to waste time questioning my credibility.

"You're pretty smart, I imagine. You can put two and two together, I'm sure. You're shocked. I get it. But think about it –why would I lie to you about something that's on a strictly need-to-know basis? Why would I lie, huh? If I were a shitty friend, I just wouldn't bother calling you constantly like Jess asked me to –I'd happily let you be somewhere that's not here. But I _have_ been calling you, so why on earth would I lie?"

"All right. Fair point. Sorry. Where am I going?"

Ella told him which hospital to go to. "But the thing is, you need to come in the door where I am. I'm directionally challenged. I can't direct you to the right floor or tell you where to go unless you come in the door where I am."

"Fine, which door? … Okay, great, I'll be there in like, twenty minutes. How will I know who you are?"

"I'm…" Ella was about to tell him that she was the one in the wheelchair, as that was usually enough to make her stick out in the average crowd. But then she remembered she was in a hospital. There were wheelchairs everywhere. "I'm the only one in a wheelchair that looks like it actually belongs to _me_ and isn't property of the hospital," she explained. "I'll go and sit right by the door –make it very hard for you to miss me."

About twenty-five minutes later, Ella saw a tall blond man with wild, dark eyes run into the hospital with such speed and momentum that he nearly crashed into an old man in a walker. She wheeled up to him slowly –the last thing she needed was to scare this guy and end up getting punched by mistake because he was so on edge.

Logan saw a young woman approaching him in a wheelchair that clearly belonged to her, not the hospital –just like she said. "You Ella?" he asked breathlessly.

"That's me. Logan?"

He nodded.

"Take the elevators just off to left there to the fifth floor. You should see the charge nurse's desk as soon as you get off, tell them who you are –you shouldn't have any problems," she explained, reaching out to hand him a phone. "Give this back to Jess when you get up there."

"He's been up there with her this whole time?"

"Yeah. You sound surprised."

"No. I mean yeah –a little. Someone else has gotta be here with her though –besides him."

"Luke and her mom, I think."

"So then, that means…." Logan trailed off.

"Jess had to let the cat out of the bag. Yup."

"Wow."

"Not really. He did the right thing. The 'wow' part of it doesn't affect you nearly as much as your reaction right now would lead people to believe. Stop wasting time talking to me –get the hell up there."

"Right. Thank you," Logan smiled. "Really. I mean that."

"No problem."

Logan ran towards the elevators.

"Hey! Wait a sec!" Ella yelled. "Caveman or astronaut? Have you decided yet?"

Comprehension slowly dawned on Logan's face as he remembered that very random question from Jess at the bar a few months earlier. "That was you?" he called. "You're the one who wanted to know that? I thought Jess –"

"He was asking for me. You really think Jess believes it actually means anything?" she asked with a laugh.

"What does it mean?"

"Don't know yet. What'll it be?"

"Astronaut," Logan grinned before looking back at the elevator. It still hadn't arrived. He punched the door and cursed before running to the stairwell, ripping the door open so forcefully it almost came off its hinges.

"Don't be so sure about that, cutie pie," Ella whispered to herself. "I hate the mess that you and Jess are part of; Jess always gets my vote –but damn, it must be a little nice for Rory, being stuck between two beautiful men. I get it. I hate that she got pregnant, but as a woman, I _totally_ get it –go Rory," she chuckled.

* * *

"Your elevator sucks," Logan panted when he reached the nurse's desk.

"Yeah, we've been getting a lot of that today. Can I help you?"

"I'm Logan Huntzberger. I need to get to Rory Gilmore –now."

"Do you mean Lorelai Gilmore?" Chelsea smiled.

"The woman with the last name of Gilmore who's in labour. I need to get to her. Are you telling me there's more than one Gilmore girl in labour right now?" Logan snapped.

"My goodness –men asking after Gilmore certainly are testy. ID please?"

Logan rolled his eyes and showed her his driver's licence.

"Take a right at the end of the hall. Rory's room is the fourth door on the left."

"Thank you."

Logan took a few steading breaths as he approached Rory's door. He peered in the room and saw that she was awake, but seemed to be groggy –they must've given her an epidural. Lorelai was stationed next to her daughter's head. Luke and Jess were sitting on a loveseat across from the foot of her bed. Luke appeared to be doing anything he could think of to keep his hands busy –it was clear he felt protective and like this was where he needed to be, but at the same time it was obvious that he was uncomfortable and probably waiting for the first acceptable moment where he could excuse himself briefly; Jess' hands were clenched in fists and his breathing was shallow, he was watching Rory like a hawk, rooted in place like a stone –concern, stress, fatigue and fear etched in his features.

"Hey," Logan whispered, entering the room quietly. "You look like you could use a break, Jess. Why don't you let me tap you out –I'll handle a couple of rounds. Hi Luke, Lorelai."

Luke and Lorelai acknowledged Logan with their eyes and watched as Jess got up to shake his hand. "Thanks, man."

"Thank _you,"_ Logan said very quietly, handing Jess his phone back. "You didn't have to do what you did."

"I know."

"You've got a good friend down there."

"I know that too," Jess said, remembering for the first time in hours that Ella was sitting downstairs. "Okay well, I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'll give you guys a few minutes." He walked out into the hall and watched Logan grasp Rory's hand and start whispering to her. He could just barely hear what they were saying.

"Hey Ace," Logan smiled. "Sorry it took me so long to get here."

"Logan," Rory cried softly. "You made it. I was scared you wouldn't."

"I'd never miss this –especially not after the way you threatened me. I hear you're doing really good."

"I'm scared, Logan."

"Don't be. We're all here. I'm here now, Ace. I'm not leaving your side."

"Good, I'm glad."

"Although I have a funny feeling Jess did a pretty good job in my absence, huh?"

"He did," she smiled, looking towards the door, catching Jess' gaze and holding it. "He really did."

"Well, you've got both of us now," Logan whispered, leaning down to kiss Rory's forehead and cradle her cheek in his palm. "It's all gonna be okay."

* * *

"Did I ever thank you?" Jess asked, coming up behind Ella on the main floor.

Ella startled at the sound of Jess' voice, so forcefully that her knees hit the underside of the table she was sitting at with an audible whack.

"Sorry."

"No you're not."

"No, really –this time I am."

"This time, huh? How nice of you. Did you ever thank me for what?" Ella asked.

"Hm, well –pretty much everything since January."

"I think you pretty much covered it with dropping to your knees and hugging me when we got here today."

"Okay –well, did I thank you for arranging a caveman night for me?" Jess smirked.

"You called me the next day and grunted a very convincing thank you, yes," Ella smiled.

"Weren't you a tiny bit worried that I'd get too drunk for my own good and let everything slip?"

"Honestly? It never even occurred to me. I knew you'd never actually let that happen. I gave you an opportunity to unwind –and unwind you did. It never occurred to me that you'd get sloppy. And clearly I was right."

"Touché. I'm gonna grab a coffee. Do you want a tea?"

"Yes please."

"Coming up."

"So, how's it going up there?" Ella asked carefully when Jess sat down and gave her her tea.

"It's going," Jess sighed heavily. "You know what's gonna be harder than today?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow. Next week. Next month. That could be _my_ child she's labouring with, El."

"It could be. Do you know if you want it to be?"

"Honestly? I still have no clue. Is that bad?"

"That's human, Jess. You and Rory were nothing near an item. You're still not. It makes perfect sense that you have no idea what you want. It's troubling to you, psychologically, I get that. But it's not bad. It's actually pretty normal, given the circumstances."

"The worst is still coming."

"I know. Whatever it is, you'll survive and I'll help you."

"You might not want to."

"That'll never happen. I'm proud of you, you know."

"What for?" Jess chuckled.

"You downplay it. You've downplayed all of it. But you've made a lot of hard choices over the last several months –you've done the right thing, even when it sucks for you. You've done everything humanly possible to be there for Rory…"

"While keeping a secret that's almost killed us –are you gonna tell me that was a wise thing to do? I might call your bullshit, if you do."

"I think you made the best decision you could, given the circumstances. Do I think it was an infallible decision? No. I think you did the best you could," Ella explained gently. "Rory's been drowning in whatever she's been drowning in and you rose up to meet her every time –you picked up her slack and you kept her from falling. And something tells me you're going to keep doing that well past today. That's not an easy thing to do. You extended a hand of friendship and support to Logan when you were under no obligation to do such a thing. That's not easy to do. _You came here today_ ; you popped that bubble of secrecy and you barely blinked. That's not easy to do. You had me harass Logan in your place to make sure he got here as soon as he could while you were up there supporting Rory. You didn't have to do that. You're doing your best with a shitty situation, Jess –and your best is a lot. Rory's very lucky. I'm proud of you."

* * *

As soon as Rory started feeling the need to push, Luke excused himself.

"Are you sure, Mr. Danes?" Chelsea asked "She could be at this for a while. If you want, I can give you a heads up before it gets really bad –still give you enough time to duck and cover."

"I'm going to ignore the fact that you just used the phrases 'heads up' and 'duck and cover'. Thanks. I'm good. I'll make myself scarce now. Rory won't mind, trust me. I'll be in the café across the street. Tell my wife to come find me?"

"You bet."

"And uh… take care of her, please."

"Doctor Stevenson is very good at her job and Rory's labour has been perfectly normal."

"I know. It's the doctor's job to deliver that baby. The baby has to be her number one priority and that's fine –but I'm asking you to make Rory _your_ number one priority. Please."

"I will, Mr. Danes. I promise," Chelsea smiled.

"No, no. No more! I can't," Rory pleaded.

"Yes you can, Ace. Yes, you can," Logan encouraged her.

"I've been pushing for two hours, I can't. This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be here," Rory cried. "None of this should've ever happened. I can't do this."

"Ace –look at me. You're right. None of this was supposed to happen. But it's happening. This is what's happening. It's gonna keep happening, whether you want it to or not."

"You need to push, Miss Gilmore," Doctor Stevenson said. "I know you're tired. It's been a long seventeen hours. But you need to push."

"I can't," Rory sobbed.

"I did this once, Rory. That wasn't supposed to happen either and I got you! The best thing that ever happened to me," Lorelai said. "You can do this, sweetie, you can."

"No. This wasn't supposed to be what happened to me. I want to wake up now, please! No!"

"Rory!" Jess yelled. "You are awake. This is not a dream. Remember the last time you told me you wanted to wake up?"

Rory nodded.

"You could pretend it was a dream for a while, but after a certain point, you couldn't anymore. Remember?"

Rory nodded again.

"Well, you can't pretend this is a dream anymore either. This is life. You're in it. This is what you're getting. Wake up! I know you're tired, but you have to find a way to keep going. If you don't and something happens to your baby –Rory, you won't be able to live with yourself. You're strong, I know you are. Find that strength and keep pushing, please. You can. I know you can."

"Ace, Jess and I are both here. We're right here with you! Me! And Jess! I bet you never thought there'd be a day when we'd get along, huh? But we found a way to do it –for you."

"For the record, I still kinda think he's a dick," Jess smirked.

"And I think Jess is a smug ass."

"Fair," Jess agreed.

"Yeah, yours too actually," Logan concurred.

"Oh gee, am I interrupting your love fest by having a _fucking_ baby?" Rory screamed. "I'm so sorry! Would you like me to give you two lovebirds some privacy?"

"There! That anger! Hold it, keep it!" Logan laughed. "Use it, Ace. Push with it."

"Keep encouraging her guys, it's working. Keep making her angry if that's the secret. I don't really care," Doctor Stevenson said quietly.

"If Logan and I can find a way to get along –this? You can have a baby, Rory. If Logan and I can stand each other decently enough to both be here in this moment, surely you can push this baby out into the world. You're way tougher and stronger than us," Jess told her.

"Seems like you picked a couple of jokers, Rory," Chelsea said. "So –woman to woman –who was better?"

Jess and Logan looked at Chelsea with dumbstruck silence.

"Oh please. I had your number the second you both walked onto this floor. Clearly her mom knows. The doctor knows –and nurses are smarter than doctors," Chelsea winked.

"I like this nurse," Lorelai laughed. "I did know, but in fairness I _did_ just find out today."

"As long as you knew, I don't care when you knew it."

"You were right, Rory. This wasn't supposed to happen this way," Logan said once he'd regained some composure. "But it did. Jess is here. I'm here. Your mom is here. And you're doing _so_ good Ace. I'll tell you something else –as much as this was unexpected and maybe less than ideal, I'm glad for it, Rory. I don't regret this mess, not for one second. There's nowhere else I'd rather be right now. How about you, Jess?"

"He's right, Ror. Remember this moment –because it might never happen again. Logan's right. Right now, this mess is beautiful. I don't regret it Rory. Look at me –I don't regret it. I promise you, I don't."

"June eleventh is a mighty fine day for a birthday! Here comes your baby, Rory!" Doctor Stevenson exclaimed. "Either of you guys wanna see this?"

Jess and Logan exchanged a fleeting look and came to yet another agreement. "Nah," they said, tightening their grips on each of Rory's hands. "Nah, we're good up here."

"All right then. Grandma, how about you?"

"I am _not_ a grandma. Rory, we're going to have to come up with another name for this child to call me, because I am _not_ a grandma."

"Mother of Rory, would you like to watch this or not? I can't exactly pause the action, here," Doctor Steven said with a bitter laugh.

"Oh, yeah, I wanna see!"

"Okay, Rory. One more push and it'll be someone's birthday! Here we go. One, two –Lorelai, you get to be the one to tell her the big news- three! Push, Rory, push!"

After about five seconds, a hysterical infant's cries filled the room.

"It's a girl, Rory," Lorelai said through happy tears. "You have a girl. Girls are the best."

Rory was overcome with emotion as the doctor placed her baby girl on her chest. She was a weird pinkish purple colour and covered in amniotic fluid and blood, but she was the most precious thing Rory had ever seen. "Oh, hi, baby girl. Hi," she cried.

Both Logan and Jess could barely believe their eyes. She was a living, breathing, crying baby. She was so tiny. She was so perfect. Neither of them cared in this moment who she belonged to or who she didn't. They just loved her. Jess and Logan each placed a kiss on the side of Rory's head and then they each took a turn kissing the little girl's head.

"She's perfect, Rory," Jess whispered.

"She really is," Logan agreed. "You did so good."

"You did good too," Jess said to Logan.

"You did better," Logan replied.

"Nah. I wouldn't say 'better'. I was here longer –longer doesn't mean better. You got here. That's what matters."

Logan walked around Rory's bed to stand beside Jess. "Yeah. I did get here. Thanks," he said, offering his hand.

Jess took his hand and shook it firmly. "Yeah. 'Course. You would've done the same for me."

"All right, who wants to cut the cord so we can get this beautiful girl weighed?" Chelsea asked.

"It honestly doesn't matter to me," Logan smiled. "I'm happy to, but if Jess wants to that's also fine."

"Damn, I was gonna say that," Jess laughed.

"You guys need to stop getting along so well," Lorelai said. "It's really freaking me out."

"Trust me, it freaks us out too," Logan said.

"Well good. As long as I'm not the only one."

"Well, it's slightly unconventional, but you could play rock, paper scissors for it," Chelsea suggested.

"Sure, that works," Jess and Logan agreed.

After three draws, Logan's rock smashed Jess' scissors.

"Do you have a name for her yet?" Chelsea asked.

"Yeah," Jess smiled. "It's –"

"Actually," Rory said. "I wanted to talk to you guys about that. I think I changed my mind."

"Really?" Logan asked. "Why?"

"I saw her," Rory said simply. "I saw her and I knew the name we picked –it's beautiful, but it's not her name."

Remarkably, Rory's explanation made sense to both men.

"Well, for now we'll just call her Baby Girl Gilmore. How's that? Your Baby Girl Gilmore is very healthy, Rory. Six pounds, eight ounces."

"Is that good?" Rory asked in concern.

"That's very good," Chelsea assured her.

"I'm gonna go find Luke," Lorelai whispered, "tell him the news. I'll give you all a minute."

"Oh, that reminds me," Chelsea said, "your husband wanted me to tell you, he's in the café across the street."

"Great, thanks. I'll be back soon, Rory."

"Okay," Rory said.

"You did good, Hun. You did so good."

Chelsea handed the baby back to Rory before leaving the room.

Logan and Jess perched on either side of her bed.

"So," Jess whispered. "What's her name?"

"Hannah," Rory whispered in reply.

"Hannah?" Logan asked.

"Yeah. Don't you like it? You don't like it…"

"Ace, take it easy. I love it, I promise."

"Jess?" Rory asked nervously.

"It's perfect. It's a palindrome. Palindromes are perfect words –the same, regardless of if you read them backwards or forewords," Jess said, staring at the baby girl.

"Yeah."

"It's a perfect name, for a perfect girl."

"Yeah," Rory smiled.

"What about her middle name?"

"Well, it's gotta be Lorelai, right?" Logan asked. "I thought that one would be a no brainer. Gotta keep the tradition alive."

"Yeah," Rory whispered, starting to cry. "That's what I thought."

"Well, happy birthday, little Hannah Lorelai," Jess cooed. "Oh my God. I'm cooing –to a _baby_. _What_ is going on?"

"Really, you cooing at a baby was your first indication that this is _The Twilight Zone_? Where have you been for the last six months, Jess?" Logan chuckled.

"My goodwill only ever exists on a very thin continuum, pretty boy. Trust me, me cooing at a baby is mighty strange. If I have to defend _that_ to you, I'll drag you outside and punch you right now."

"Point taken."

"I hope you've all gotten your kumbayas out, because Doctor Geller is in to bring you boys crashing back down to earth," Paris announced. She sauntered into the hospital room and looked at the baby in Rory's arms. "Cute. Now, gentlemen –Jess! You've aged well!"

Jess rolled his eyes.

"No, I really do mean that. I daresay you're more fetching than you were when we were teenagers."

"Fetching? Don't ever describe me again –or I'll throw you so far someone will need to fetch _you_."

"Threatening a lady? Brusk. Risky."

"I wouldn't exactly call you a 'lady.'"

"You were probably a very satisfying indiscretion, weren't you?" Paris challenged, breathing down Jess' neck.

"You'll never know," Jess winked.

"Don't flatter yourself. And Logan –my favourite two-bit trust fund man boy! Tell me, how's your Porsche dealer?"

At this, Jess couldn't help but snicker.

"Paris," Logan said evenly, looking at her through narrowed eyes.

"Aw, you're being a tough guy. That's adorable! Need I remind you, I'm the one with the needles? I'm here to bring you back to a sobering thing called 'reality', boys. You've both had your fun –some more than others," she said, eying Logan. "But as of today, the clock is running. One of you will be forced to –at the very least- financially support the child that your reckless sexual behaviour helped to create."

"Paris," Rory frowned.

"Yes, Rory, you're responsible too. I don't blame you for rolling around with these two; I don't think any red blooded straight woman could. But, the time for schoolgirl trysts is past. You had a chance to be a flighty adolescent and you rightfully chose to become intellectually superior. No one can begrudge you your belated fun, but you should've made these idiots wear condoms. You're far too nice to be holding anyone's toes to the fire, so that's what I'm here for. I have a room set up down the hall. Can one of you bring the child, please? This will go faster if Rory doesn't turn into a hysterical mess when her baby cries at a needle stick."

"Her name is Hannah," Logan snapped.

"Paris, do Logan's test first," Jess sighed. "When he comes back, I'll bring Hannah with me and then you can bring her back after. That way Rory doesn't have to be alone."

"Fine."

"Why is Paris going to bring Hannah back?" Rory asked.

"Because, I should take off after we're done."

"Jess no! You don't have to. You can stay."

Jess locked eyes with Logan and Logan got the message, leading the way for Paris out of the room. "I can't, Ror," he said softly. "Ella's been sitting downstairs in the cafeteria for this whole time. She stayed out of the way –she didn't want anyone to know she was here. She can't go home until I take her. I need to take her home. I should also get outta here before a whole town's worth of well-wishers shows up to try and muscle their way into this tiny room. Plus, I've been here with you almost since the beginning. Logan needs some time with you without me loitering around."

"Okay," Rory sniffled. "That makes sense."

"Hey –don't cry. It's okay. I'll come to Stars Hollow in a few days, okay? How about that? I'll come and visit you and Hannah after you've had a few days to rest. And I'll call every day."

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart. I'll want to hear all her new sounds," he smirked, slipping his finger inside Hannah's tiny palm. "You did good, Rory."

"Thanks," Rory whispered. "Jess –you, today. I can't thank you enough."

"No need."

"Thank Ella for me too. Please, Jess. She's –she's amazing. I can't imagine sitting around for like eighteen hours while your friend is off somewhere helping a woman in labour. No one even knew she was here! That's –"

"It's okay. She's used to sitting around."

Rory looked at Jess with a horrified expression.

"Now, see –if she was here right now, she'd find that funny."

"Jess."

"I'll tell her."

"You're up," Logan said, coming back into the room. "She's not gentle."

"I heard that, Huntzberger," Paris said icily, following him into the room and going right in for Hannah.

"Paris –I was coming," Jess sighed.

"I know. I don't trust you to carry an infant."

"Jess! Follow her! She _cannot_ stick my little girl without you in the room."

"On it," Jess said, getting up and kissing Rory's head before running after Paris. "I'll see you soon, Gilmore."

"Hey," Logan said, putting his hand on Jess' shoulder, "thanks again –for everything."

"Yeah. I'll see you soon too, pretty boy. Don't worry," Jess winked.

* * *

"Oh my God. I was just starting to worry that I'd never see you again," Ella smiled, stifling a yawn.

"You're a saint," Jess sighed, throwing his arms around her in a hug.

"Hey, you okay?"

"I really don't know. Ask me tomorrow –maybe the day after. I'm too tired to think. I have just enough brain power to get us back to Brooklyn in one piece –stop asking questions."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Jess! Rory had a baby."

"Yup. She did."

"And… what is it?"

"Oh. There's more estrogen in the world to get mad at me and demand things from me."

Ella smiled. "Does the estrogen have a name?"

"Hannah," Jess said quietly, one side of his mouth pulling up into a giant grin. "Hannah Lorelai Gilmore."

"Is she cute?"

"She's not cute, El –she's perfect."


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I've had a lot on my mind. Bless your patience!

Hannah's first days of life were filled with an endless stream of well-wishers. All of Stars Hollow was tickled pink by the arrival of another Gilmore girl. Everyone had advice, tips, tricks and secrets. Rory did her best to appreciate all the help and love from everyone, but on the inside, she was panicking. Luke and Lorelai had to stop the influx of visitors and the constant chatter of everyone's wisdom –Rory was too overwhelmed. Very few people were given an all-access pass to Rory and Hannah: Luke, Lorelai, Lane, Logan, Jess and Emily –who was none too pleased that her great granddaughter arrived too early for her to be present, as it was a violation of the directive she'd issued to Rory only a week before her birth.

Emily tried to insist upon staying at the house, though that was short-lived. It quickly became clear to everyone that if she were to stay there, they would all go slightly insane. She ended up staying at the Dragonfly –close enough to be with Rory but also far enough to give everyone breathing space.

Emily was slated to be in town for two weeks, during which time Jess and Logan's visits had to be sparse and carefully orchestrated so as not to arouse suspicion. But they were both supportive of Rory, even in those very early days when they had to tread extra lightly to avoid suspicion –Rory was surprised to find that even still, both men made sure they were there, supporting her and making sure she wanted for nothing.

Rory wanted to avoid having the 'Hannah's father' conversation with her grandmother until she knew who the father actually was. Luckily, the subject of Hannah's father was not a conversation Emily appeared to want to have just yet either –the key word being 'yet'.

As far as Jess was concerned, he and Rory now had Luke and Lorelai to help them keep a tight lid on things –and four heads were better than two. The respect Lorelai had been able to find for Jess in the hospital was quickly becoming deep-rooted as she saw how attentive he was. He was putting Rory and Hannah first –she knew the question of paternity must've been driving him and Logan crazy, but the knowledge that Paris was on the case allowed them both to focus on how best to support Rory. She cared little for graphic details at this point; Lorelai slept better at night knowing that her daughter was being thoroughly looked out for, and she and Luke were all too happy to help Jess get time with Rory and Hannah under the radar.

More impressive still was the ceasefire in place between Jess and Logan. They each found a way to have ample time with Rory and the baby, without getting in each other's way or trying to show one another up, which was an amazing thing to behold. This too, could likely be attributed to Paris being on the paternity issue –the men could handle existing peacefully and giving each other a wide berth because they knew it would only be a matter of weeks before the issue was resolved.

Logan was a constant support to Rory –which left her wondering what would happen when they finally found out Hannah's paternity. The idea of losing the man Logan had become throughout her pregnancy broke Rory's heart.

And Jess –Jess was proving himself to be less and less Liz's son and more and more Luke's nephew with every passing day.

* * *

"Rory, what are you doing?" Emily asked pointedly.

"What am I –what? Sorry, Grandma," Rory replied distractedly.

"Hannah's asleep."

"Yeah, looks that way."

"She's asleep. You should be sleeping. You sleep when the baby sleeps."

"I want to, Grandma –really, really badly. But I can't. I'm too overtired. I keep worrying as soon as I shut my eyes, she'll –"

"Don't be ridiculous," Emily sighed. "She's fine. Safe in her crib. This is what happens when you're too proud to let your grandmother bring help."

"I don't need a live-in nanny for Hannah."

"Maybe if you had one you'd be able to get more sleep."

"Grandma," Rory sighed.

"Fine, fine. I won't press this matter anymore today. But if you change your mind…"

"I won't –but thank you."

"Of course," Emily smiled, backing out of Rory's bedroom. "You try and get some sleep now. If you need anything, I'll be in the living room."

Once her door was shut, Rory crept over to Hannah's crib and let her fingers ghost her daughter's skin very lightly as she slept. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine," she sang in a whisper, "you make me happy when skies are grey. You'll never know dear; how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."

Rory sighed. "Who's your dad, baby girl?" she wondered aloud. "I wish _you_ could just tell me. It would be so much easier if you could just tell me yourself."

* * *

"You're staring at her for the wrong reasons, you know," Lorelai whispered to Rory about a week after Hannah was born.

"What?" Rory asked in surprise. "How do you know I'm staring at her for the _wrong_ –? What's the _right_ way to –?"

"You _should_ be staring at her because of the cuteness factor that's off the charts. You _should_ be staring at her and reminding yourself of the fact that God made babies cute so that parents don't kill them –what with all the crazy feeding schedules, the incessant crying, the pooping – _all_ the pooping- and the spit up and the not-sleeping-through-the-night-thing that leads to sleep deprivation and bordering on _actual_ insanity. You should be staring at her cuteness and realizing 'Oh, _that's_ why babies are cute –so their mothers don't kill them!' You should be obsessing over how blissfully quiet it is when she's sleeping, and how you're mesmerized by watching her breathe, or kick her legs, or gargle her spit. There are countless other _right_ reasons to be staring at your newborn baby girl, Rory. Would you like an alphabetical list?"

"And as opposed to staring at her for the litany of _right_ reasons that you just named, I'm…"

"Staring at her for the wrong reason."

"And that would be?" Rory pressed.

"Staring at her like she's an answer to a riddle. Like if you stare at her hard enough, or from the right angle or under the right light that the answer will be revealed to you with one hundred percent certainty."

"Babies do carry inherent traits from their fathers, even this early…"

"I know that, Hun. But she's a girl, which means it'll be harder for you to spot traits from Logan or Jess on your own because they're guys and your kid is a girl. Hannah's a girl who looks exactly like her mom," Lorelai explained gently.

"I asked Luke for baby pictures of Jess; he wouldn't give them to me."

"I know."

"And Logan doesn't have any… not without asking his parents, anyway –so that's out of the question."

"Good."

"Good?"

"Good," Lorelai nodded.

"But if I could just see something in her features and then compare it to their features," Rory protested sadly. "Maybe –I could –"

"Stop it, Rory. You'll drive yourself insane. You _are_ driving yourself insane."

"But the answer could be something simple."

"Like what? She has no hair on her head yet, and babies' eyes are _always_ blue when they're born, Rory. If her eyes are going to be brown, we won't see that until months after paternity has been undisputedly proven –and that wouldn't help anyway. Your eyes _are_ blue to begin with, so if she takes after you, it wouldn't solve the question of paternity. Even if her eyes were to change colour tomorrow, both Jess and Logan have brown eyes. You spending almost every minute of your daughter's _brand new_ life staring at her like she's an optical illusion you need to see through won't help you decipher things that aren't decipherable –especially when you're over tired, overwhelmed and hormonal, when any instincts you have could easily be overshadowed by any one of the countless things adding to your current stress levels."

"Every time I think I see something –something that reminds me of Logan, I'll turn around and she'll do something that reminds me of Jess. It just keeps flipping back and forth and back and forth," Rory sighed. "I can't trust what I think I see, or even what I _do_ see –because two seconds later she does something to make me question what I just saw."

"Hun, your daughter's been a part of this world for a week. _A week_. You're sleep deprived and utterly exhausted; your hormones are all over the place and so are your emotions. It makes sense that when you try and play _Law & Order: Paternity Case Unit – Postpartum Week One_, your Olivia Benson's bound to be a little bit off her game. Of course your mind is playing tricks on you –I suspect it would even if you didn't _just_ give birth to this adorable, tiny human; the stakes are high and you want an answer. What I'm telling you is, there's no use in trying to rush to a conclusion you can't trust. Just enjoy her.

"The guys can hold steady –they have been- and they'll keep doing it because they _know_ the answer is coming; they won't have to play nice forever. Paris is on the case –let Paris worry about the science, the testing. She already told you she would be able to get the results back to you within four to five weeks of Hannah's birth, which is at least three weeks sooner –maybe more- than you'd get them back with anyone else in charge.

"Come on Rory, stop beating yourself up. Admittedly, there are fewer milestones within the first month or two of a kid's life but still, there _are_ milestones –that doesn't mean you aren't missing stuff. You look at her like she's a puzzle you _must_ figure out before the buzzer sounds. You're not letting yourself enjoy her. I know that there's no way you can completely stop your wheels from turning –I wouldn't either, if I were in your shoes. But Hannah's not a puzzle Rory –she's your baby girl, your daughter. I can pretty much guarantee that one day, you'll look back on these first few weeks and you might regret looking at her like a riddle that needed solving the entire time. You're never going to get these first few weeks back, Hun. Don't let them slip through your fingers because you're too fixated on a riddle that you know you're going to be getting the answer to soon anyway.

"A mother's intuition is a powerful thing, Rory. But right now your intuition can easily play tricks on you because of the stress you're under, the complete lack of sleep and all the hormones. Never ignore that intuition –but don't let it make you insane in the process because of all the other factors making it something that shouldn't be blindly trusted. Especially because you can admit it's hard for you to trust what you 'think' you see."

"But Mom," Rory started to say, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Look at her, Rory," Lorelai said softly, walking up behind Rory and placing a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Right now, it doesn't matter who Hannah's father is. She's a beautiful, innocent baby with a loving mother and _two_ potential fathers who love her too. Between you, Jess, Logan, me, Luke, your grandmother and everyone in this town… this girl's got more people to love her than a lot of people do in a lifetime –and she's only a week old. She's surrounded by more love than she'll ever understand, or know what to do with when she _does_ start to understand. She's a lucky kid, kid –no matter who her dad is."

* * *

"She really likes the _Oliver Twist_ you got her," Rory smiled.

"She does?" Jess asked.

"Yeah. I've tried reading her different things before she goes down for a nap, or at night –no dice. She'll only fall asleep to Dickens. That Dickens."

"Well, technically what I got her _isn't_ Dickens. But still, falling asleep to Dickens isn't exactly a feat befitting only exclusive love. Tons of people have 'fallen asleep to Dickens' because they hate him –they're literally bored to sleep."

"My child will never be bored to sleep by Dickens. Between me and her father –either of you- she's inherently well-read."

"Fair point."

Hannah started to squirm in Rory's arms. Within five minutes, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Rory checked her diaper –it was dry. "She can't be hungry. I fed her five minutes before we left to come here. Oh, shh! Baby, shhh! It's okay! I don't know what's wrong, Jess."

Jess could see Rory starting to panic. Her cheeks were flushed and her chin started to quiver. She looked exhausted. "Here, let me take her. Why don't you lay down, Ror?"

"It's seven in the morning."

"When was the last time you slept for longer than an hour without waking up?"

"Shut up."

"Lay down, Rory. I'll take her."

"But –it's Luke's bed," Rory said a little uneasily.

She and Jess were above the diner, in Luke's old apartment. Jess had spent the night there and Lorelai dropped Rory and Hannah off half an hour before the diner opened. Rory and Jess could –and planned to- spend the whole day up there and no one would be any the wiser. They'd make their discreet escape when the diner closed for the evening. Luke gave Jess strict instructions not to open the door for any man, nor beast; if either of them needed anything –including food for themselves- Rory or Jess could call Lorelai or Luke on their cell. Under these very particular circumstances, Luke was willing to waive his 'absolutely no cellphones' rule.

"It hasn't been Luke's bed for about ten years," Jess chuckled. "The last person to sleep in that bed was me –last night."

"Oh, well…"

"I didn't mean –"

"No, I didn't think you meant –"

"God, it's like we're eighteen all over again huh?"

"Yeah, a little," Rory laughed.

"No one's gonna walk in on us this time." Jess slowly closed the small distance between himself and Rory, slipping his arms under hers, mimicking their exact position. "Hey, Hannah," he whispered, "we're gonna go hang out on the couch while Mommy gets some sleep. Yes, we are. Come here, you."

"What if she –?"

"I can change a diaper, Rory."

"Can you?" Rory asked skeptically.

"Yeah. Ella's been letting me practice on her Cabbage Patch doll from when she was a kid. It's basically the same thing, right?" Jess teased.

"Jess…"

"Yes, I know. This is a real baby. Hannah can move. Ella's doll doesn't move. I'll figure it out Rory. If I can't, I'm not above screaming to wake you up –I promise."

"Okay."

Jess took Hannah from Rory very gently. As soon as she was in his arms, her screaming and crying stopped. Her tears dried instantly and she reached for the hem of his cotton tee shirt and pulled on it, blowing bubbles with her spit. "Well, I guess she's made her preference known, huh?" he laughed.

"Yes, Mommy's high strung and hysterical and Jess is so calm and cool and Zen. Of course she likes you better," Rory said, crying a little herself.

"I didn't mean you versus me, Ror. I meant that –mark my words, your daughter will not be a lesbian. She's barely a week old and she's stated her preference very clearly. Men of the world, watch out! The next generation of Gilmore is gonna eat you for breakfast without so much as breaking a nail!"

Rory laughed and smiled softly.

"I hope she takes after you in that department."

"I don't know. The lopsided smile has always worked for you."

"Babies can't inherit deadened facial nerves, Rory. Or –can they? Is that a thing?"

"I don't know. But if it is and she got that from you, it wouldn't be so bad…" Rory trailed off and looked at Jess with wide eyes. She felt her heartbeat start to race; her cheeks got hot. "I'm tired," she whispered, kissing Hannah's head, "you're right, I should –I should lay down. I pumped some milk, it's in the diaper bag. But she might not take a bottle, so…"

"I'll wake you if her crying doesn't," Jess promised. "We'll be fine."

"There's diapers, and changes of clothes for her and bibs and spit up blankets and actual blankets and –"

"We'll be fine, Rory. Get some rest."

"Okay."

"Looks like it's just you and me, Hannah Banana," Jess whispered shortly after Rory fell asleep.

Looking at baby Hannah now, as Rory slept, for the first time Jess found himself hoping –in earnest- for the chance to be her dad. For the first time, he realized that the existence of the chance to be her father wasn't a bad thing; it didn't have to be, anyway. In the week since she'd been born he was like a man possessed –he, the most unlikely contender for fatherhood that ever there was, walked around contemplating the heartbreak that he knew would be his if Hannah was not.

Jess stared at Hannah unflinchingly, trying to detect any sign of a crooked mouth. Despite the fact that he wasn't even remotely sure it was anything that could be inherited, he looked at her intently, determined to spot it if it was there, just in case. Sadly, her little perfect mouth was just that –perfect, no drooping, no lopsidedness.

Jess and Logan had begrudgingly cultivated a mutual respect for one another –something he was fairly certain would stick well after the real father was asked to stand up, even if they never had to interact again. But he had a hard time believing that if Logan got off scot free, he'd do little more than shrug and spend a few days getting drunk and existing in a state of persistent rage, until he realized he'd dodged a bullet, at which point he'd shrug the whole thing _off_.

Jess would never be able to do that. He knew he wasn't prepared for fatherhood, or the harsh examination of whatever he felt about Rory that being this little girl's father would necessitate. But even only a week in, the idea of _not_ being Hannah's father was something he barely let himself think about. If Jess were smart, he would've guarded himself against getting _so_ attached so fast, just like he had for as long as he could remember, with everyone and everything else. But the first time Hannah locked eyes with him, he was done for.

Hannah barely made a peep while Rory was asleep. She only needed one diaper change during that entire time. She spent the better part of an hour and a half yawning, sucking on her fingers, kicking her little legs and making the most adorable cooing noises Jess had ever heard.

Jess even saw the faintest of smiles dance across her tiny face as he stuck his tongue out at her and gave her soft raspberry kisses on her little belly. He was fairly certain that week-old babies couldn't smile in the strictest sense, unless of course it was gas and therefore not a smile at all.

But she held his gaze as intently as any adult he'd ever known. Hannah held his gaze unrelentingly, the same way Jess was known to do himself; it was the same stare he was known to unleash on others from time to time. Jess liked to think that she got that from him, her penchant for pensiveness at the tender age of one week old –Logan was many things, but pensive was a tough sell, from what Jess knew of him. But the truth was, he had no idea if Hannah got her baby pensiveness from him. But the way she unflinchingly held his eyes captive made Jess proud –he couldn't help it. "That's my girl," he wanted to say. But he didn't know if she actually was his girl, and that ate at him.

Those instincts Jess would've listened to if he were smart –to be guarded, to protect himself against heartache by not getting too attached, too fast- he understood why those instincts were there –listening to them would mitigate the pain he'd feel if things didn't go his way –he just chose to ignore them. Based on his personal history, where his fuck ups far outweighed his shining moments, ignoring those instincts may yet be proven to have been _extremely_ unwise.

But as he continued to stare at Hannah and listen to all her sounds, watch her as she reached to pull on his shirt, or pull on his finger, he mentally told those instincts to go fuck themselves. There was no bad here –no outcome _so_ bad as to justify keeping beautiful baby Hannah at arm's length –Hannah Banana, whom Jess had loved from the first moment he saw her. His Hannah Banana, who had a wickedly intense and pensive stare, just like Jess. Her nostrils even flared in the midst of all that intensity, just like Jess' did.

"Don't tell anyone, okay, Hannah Banana?" Jess asked in a whisper, "But –a year ago, I'd have laughed anyone who told me I'd be in this position right now clear out of the room. I know you could probably do a lot better and you have no idea what you'd be signing onto with me –I definitely have a very large, unfatherly bend in my personality. But me being your dad wouldn't be so bad, would it?"

* * *

"Hey, little Nannah," Logan smiled, taking Hannah from Rory as he walked into her bedroom. "How're you doing, hm? How's Mom doing, have you driven her insane yet?"

"No, she hasn't," Rory said softly, rubbing Hannah's back. "Not totally, anyway."

"You look tired, Ace."

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to be tired for the next twenty years."

"Maybe. Hey, any news on your book?"

"No, I mean it's due out in a week or so. Pre-orders on Truncheon's website have been strong, so everything's looking good. Even with the delayed press junket… the videos and streaming I did really helped generate good buzz. Greg says they're expecting sales to be strong."

"I read it, you know."

"You did? When?" Rory asked in surprise.

"On the plane on the way back from London the day Hannah was born. It's spectacular, Ace. It's real, it's moving –completely genuine. You captured something really special," Logan smiled.

"Thanks. And hey, thanks for doing this. Are you sure you're gonna be okay with her?"

"Of course. I can handle being with Hannah for an hour unattended. Go, enjoy coffee with Lane. Tell her I say hey."

"I will."

"There's no chance that Emily's going to show up here unannounced though, is there?" Logan asked nervously.

"No. She's in Hartford visiting some of hers and Grandpa's old friends; she's spending the night there. She won't be back until tomorrow. You're in the clear," Rory promised. She felt her throat constrict when she mentioned her grandpa; she swallowed hard and blinked her tears back before they could fall.

"He'd be proud of you Rory."

"I guess. When my grandma found out I was pregnant, she seemed pretty convinced he'd be the opposite of proud."

Logan sighed. "Emily was just pissed that your life didn't end up going according to her perfect plan. You getting pregnant shocked everyone. It would've shocked Richard too –I'm not saying he wouldn't have been disappointed, but- Rory, you gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and you're going to raise her right and show her all the love she could ever need; your grandpa would be proud of you for that. He always knew how strong you are."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Go, get out of here before you get all weepy."

"Okay. Well, call me if you need _anything._ Or Luke, or Mom –just, call."

"We won't need anything. We'll be fine. Go."

"Are you sure? Logan, you're not the best diaper changer…"

"Ace, I'll be okay. God, do you give Jess the gears like this too?" Logan laughed.

"Actually, yeah, I do."

"Damn, just when I thought I was special."

"She's just been fed, and burped and changed. So, she should be okay until I get back. She's actually do for her nap –"

"So it'll be the easiest hour ever, then."

"Don't jinx yourself like that," Rory whispered with a sigh. "Oh, I feel so guilty about leaving her…"

"You're going five minutes around the corner to have coffee with your best friend. That hardly qualifies as 'leaving' Ace."

"Fine, I'm going," Rory whispered, kissing Hannah's cheek. "Bye, baby girl. Mom will be back soon, okay? Be good! Thank you, Logan."

"You bet," Logan smiled.

"I'll tell Lane you say hi."

Once Rory was gone, Logan settled into the rocking chair in her room with Hannah in his arms. "Oh, Nannah… I really never thought I'd be here, you know that? I'm in trouble. I wanna do right by your mom, but I'm not the best at doing right. Plus, to do right by your mom I have to hurt someone else and I'm not exactly jumping for joy at that idea. You don't know how lucky you are, little girl. Enjoy being a baby –being a kid. Being a grownup is overrated. Shit is complicated." Logan sighed. "What are your thoughts on the whole 'Dad' issue? Do you have a preference? I can't shake that –I can't explain it, but you feel like you're mine, you know? Or maybe I just want you to be –which is another thing I never thought would happen –that I'd want… Jess is probably the better guy to be a dad. He's surly and monosyllabic, but he's loyal. It's not easy for him to love, but I get the feeling that once he does, he's loyal and as dependable as the rising and setting sun. I can't claim to be that steady. I'm fickler, easily distracted. When things get too intense, I have a habit of embracing my inner five-year-old. I pick fights. I mope. I get jealous. When things get too hard, I like to hide.

"The thing is Nannah, I don't want to hide from you. I want to love your mom the way she deserves to be loved. And you –I want to have the chance to know you. To love you. To be part of your life. The problem is, Jess is a bigger man. If he's not your dad, you'll still know him, he'll still be part of your life and he'll love you and you'll love him. But if I'm not your dad, I probably won't stick around the way Jess will –I wish I could believe that I would, and I might for a while, but it wouldn't stick. If I'm not your dad, I won't get to know you –not the way I want to. Sorry I'm not a better man, Nannah.

"I want to be better though. I really do. I know you didn't pick, but –having me as your dad wouldn't be so bad, would it? I can't believe I'm pleading my case to an infant. Don't tell anyone about this, okay? Who am I kidding, of course you won't. You won't even remember this lovely soliloquy of mine, but I want you to know I love you, Nannah –and I think I could be a good dad to you. I hope I get that chance."

Hannah yawned.

"Great. Now I've bored you to sleep. This doesn't bode well for me, does it? I really like the sound of my own voice –that's another thing for the 'con' column… I'm a little self-aggrandizing; your mom is too, but don't tell her I told you that," he whispered, kissing Hannah's head.

Logan carefully laid Hannah down in her crib and stood over her, watching her fall asleep; it was the most peaceful thing he'd ever seen, watching her drift off. He watched her move slightly and couldn't help but notice the position she settled in –with one of her tiny arms raised up over her head, a position that Logan himself often fell asleep in.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought you'd appreciate a quick turn around since I was such a slow poke with the last one. I'll do my best to not be slow pokish with the next one either, but I make no promises. Life has a pesky habit of getting in the way.

"Hey Ace, how's she doing today?" Logan asked over the phone.

"She's good," Rory replied, "sleeping right now."

"You should be sleeping too, then."

"Stop it. You sound like my grandma."

"Ace…"

"I'll try."

"Good. Listen… I won't be able to come by for a few days –things at the _Stamford_ _Eagle_ are really kicking up. It looks like I might be able to save it from oblivion. But I gotta pull all-nighters and put pedal to the medal to get it done."

"Oh," Rory said quietly. "Okay. Well, how long –?"

"Two days. Three, maybe," Logan sighed. "I'm sorry, Ace."

"It's okay. You have to work, right? You've been here so much. It makes sense. I'm impressed you've found a way to salvage that paper. If your head needs to be there for a few days, that's okay Logan."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Well, I'll still have my cell."

"I will flood it with pictures and let you talk to Hannah at least once a day," Rory promised.

"Good. Thanks, Ace."

"Go save the _Gazette_. We'll be here waiting for you. Oh! Remember that piece of mine for _The Atlantic_ that got pushed last winter? They're finally going to run it! I just need to proof it again and rework some of the details, but it should be out in the July issue."

"That's great, Rory! I'm so proud of you!"

"Yeah, hopefully the response is good. If it is, they might ask me to write more."

"They'd be crazy not to."

"Logan, I –" Rory faltered. "Never mind."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, it's okay. Get to work. Hannah and I will be waiting for you when you come back up for air."

"Okay. Thanks Rory, for understanding."

"Of course. It's like I said, you have to work, right?"

"Yeah," Logan sighed. "This is something I have to do."

"So go do it. Work your magic and save that paper."

"I'll see you in a few days, Ace," Logan said quietly. He disconnected the call and sighed, letting his head fall softly against the back of the airplane seat.

"This is the flight deck speaking. We'd like to welcome you all aboard flight five fifty-two, flying direct from Bradley Airport here in Hartford to London, Heathrow. We expect our cruising altitude to be around forty-two thousand feet, with a flight time of seven hours and thirty minutes."

* * *

"Logan! This is a wonderful surprise! I was beginning to think you'd forgot all about me in America!" Odette exclaimed when she woke late one night to find Logan sitting on the end of their king sized bed. "When did you get in?"

"A few hours ago," Logan said flatly.

"You look exhausted, love. Have you slept?"

"I did –on the plane, a bit. I tried to go to bed when I first got here, but I couldn't sleep."

Odette sat up and slid forward to embrace Logan in a hug. She cradled his face in her hands. "You look troubled, love. Are things at the paper not going well?"

"No, it's not that –I think I can actually save the paper."

"That's brilliant darling!"

"Yeah."

"Then what is it that's troubling you?"

"Odette, I –" Logan sighed. He blinked hard and kissed her hand softly.

"Logan, speak to me. What is it?"

"Odette," he whispered, "why do you want to marry me? Why are we getting married?"

"What do you mean? Why –why do I want to marry you –what does that mean?" Odette asked breathlessly.

"Just what I said –why do you want to marry me?"

"I love you, Logan. I'm marrying you because I love you. You're scaring me. What is the meaning of this?"

"I –I don't know if I can –"

"You don't know if you can what?"

"I don't know if I can marry you, Odette. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Logan said, swallowing the painful lump in his throat. "I love you Odette –but I –I don't love you enough. I can't do this."

"I don't understand," Odette cried. "Logan, why are you doing this? Why on earth are you saying these things?"

"Odette –you're beautiful, you're kind, you're selfless. You deserve so much better than me."

"No, no I don't. You're who I want, Logan."

"Is that really true? Do you really feel that way, or are you just saying that because that's what you're supposed to say?"

"What are you talking about?"

"When we met, it was electric –it was so exciting. We were all one another could see of tomorrow. Do you remember that?" Logan asked sadly.

Odette nodded wordlessly.

"It hasn't been like that for a long time. As much as you love me, you know that's true. We haven't been those people for a long time."

"No. I suppose we haven't –but Logan, love isn't always electric. I still love you."

"I know. I love you too. But I don't love you the way that someone who's about to marry you should love you. The spark between us died a long time ago and it never came back. Hell –you lived and worked in a different country for almost a year! How often did you actually miss me –like, painfully?"

"Logan…"

"I proposed because that was what was next. It's what you do."

"So are you saying you never wanted to marry me? Was that all a lie?" Odette asked tearfully.

"No. No, it wasn't a lie. You know it wasn't a lie," Logan sucked in a sharp breath. "But I know you know what I'm talking about. We've just been –existing together Odette. The fire's gone. It shouldn't be, but it is. This isn't an ebb or a flow. We're stuck. If you can tell me right now that marrying me is what you _really_ want –tell me that this isn't just us going through motions- if you can tell me, from the bottom of your heart that you _want me_ , if you can tell me – _really_ tell me _why_ you want to marry me, then we'll do it, we'll fight for us. Can you tell me?"

"No," Odette whispered after a long and tense silence. "I can't."

Logan nodded sadly. "See? It's not that I don't love you. But –but we shouldn't get married if we don't know why we're doing it."

"But I do love you, Logan."

"I love you too –but sometimes, love isn't enough. You deserve to be someone's whole world, Odette."

"You do too," she whispered, wiping tears from her eyes and stroking Logan's cheek. "Is there –is there someone else?"

Logan sighed deeply and searched Odette's eyes, his heart breaking as he saw her tears glistening in the dark. "There's –there's the idea –the dream of someone else," he said softly, vaguely.

Odette nodded. "So –what now?"

"Now –now you take your time. I have to get back to Stamford, there's still work to be done there. You can take your time moving –that is –I'm assuming you'll want to base yourself in Paris? If you want to stay here –I can buy another flat, I'm not kicking you out…"

"No, no," she shook her head. "You're right. Paris is where I belong."

"Well, then. Take your time. I'll help you arrange everything. Anything you need."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to," Logan assured her.

"What are you going to tell your parents?"

"You let me worry about that. You tell yours and I'll tell mine."

"All right."

"I'm so sorry, Odette."

"I am too –but you're right –it's probably better this way."

"I'm sorry you won't get your Kensington Palace wedding…"

"You never know, I still might," Odette smiled.

"I hope you do. You deserve it."

"You deserve to be happy too, Logan. I'm sorry I couldn't –"

"But you did," Logan whispered. "You did. We just weren't meant to be forever, that's all. But you did –you did make me happy, Odette. I'll always cherish that."

Odette nodded sadly and grasped her engagement ring to pull it off her finger.

"No. Keep it. I want you to keep it –if you want. To remind you that what we had was real, and that I want you to have the best of everything and be happy."

"Okay."

"I should go… let you get back to sleep," Logan whispered thickly.

"But where are you going to go at this hour?" Odette asked, grasping his arm.

He shrugged. "I don't know… a hotel I guess."

"Don't. It's late. Stay."

"But –"

"But nothing. Stay."

"Okay. I'll grab a blanket and go sleep on the couch."

Odette woke up late the next morning. She wandered into the living room to find that Logan was gone. The blanket he'd taken from the bedroom was folded neatly on the couch. It was like he'd never been there at all. She sat down and pulled the blanket into her lap. Inhaling his scent deeply, Odette finally let herself cry as she realized that what had happened wasn't a nightmare –Logan was really gone.

* * *

"Mr. Huntzberger, your son is here," Mitchum's secretary said, poking her head into his office.

"My son? Are you sure?" Mitchum asked.

"Yes sir."

"All right. Send him in."

"Dad," Logan nodded, stepping into his father's expansive office.

"Logan! You really didn't need to make such a long flight to give me a progress report," Mitchum laughed. "But it is good to see you, son."

Logan sucked in a sharp breath, steeling himself for what he was going to have to say.

"So, how's the _Stamford Eagle Gazette_?"

"Still struggling. There's a lot of work left to do before it's in the clear… but I think I can save it."

"Is that so?"

"Yes sir –and double the profit margins."

"Doubling won't accomplish anything Logan –that paper's been losing money for years."

"I can double the profit margins from what they were when the paper was at its peak."

"That's a tall order," Mitchum said skeptically. "You're going to do all that in a month?"

"A month? But –"

"Yes. When I agreed to this asinine assignment I told you that you had until mid-July."

"No," Logan shook his head. "I need more time."

"That's too bad, because I'm not giving it to you."

"I wasn't asking."

"Excuse me? Just who the hell do you think you are?" Mitchum asked severely.

"I'm Logan Huntzberger. Son of the great Mitchum Huntzberger. Huntzberger is my name too, _Dad_. I may not have as _much_ sway as you do, but my name holds weight too, I can get things done. I have enough of a nest egg _and_ enough sway to take on a project like this _without_ express permission from the overlord."

"Do you really think you can save a failing enterprise without the full cooperation of –"

"I _have_ been saving it without you. I'm the bigwig Huntzberger in Stamford, not you –not anymore. The people in Stamford owe you nothing –I'm sure you may be shocked to find out that they don't give two shits about you, seeing as you don't give two shits about them. I, on the other hand have been working with them for months to save a paper that –despite your best efforts, some people actually still _care_ about. We're revamping content, training new staff and implementing a complete overhaul. When it starts generating serious cash flow, guess who's going to reap the benefits? The hardworking staff and the only Huntzberger that gives a damn about them –me," Logan shot back with disdain. "I've been pulling double duty with the _Gazette_ and my accounts here, and I intend to keep doing that. But the _Gazette_ requires my full attention, so I'll be working my British accounts remotely from Connecticut. Indefinitely. I didn't come here to ask permission, Mitchum –I came here to keep you informed –that's all."

"That's a nice little speech you gave there, Logan. Really –for a minute I was contemplating feigning intimidation. But that's not what's going to happen and you know it," Mitchum laughed bitterly.

"Yes it is."

"No. It's not."

"And why the fuck not?!" Logan yelled.

"Well, for one thing… you're getting married in four months. Somehow, I don't think Odette will want to relocate to Stamford."

Logan inhaled deeply and bit his bottom lip. "That won't be a problem."

"What are you talking about?"

"Odette and I broke up last night. We're not getting married anymore."

"What?! Logan, this is unacceptable!"

"What do you mean, 'unacceptable'? I'm an adult. Odette's an adult. This was our choice."

"What the fuck did you do, Logan?"

"Excuse me?"

"You fucked it up. Obviously. I demand to know what you did to her."

"I didn't do anything."

"Bullshit, you did nothing! You broke up with her! Why the hell did you break up with her?"

"That's none of your business," Logan said evenly, his brown eyes darkening with anger.

"Has your favourite ex-girlfriend added 'homewrecker' to her list of credentials?" Mitchum asked bitingly.

"Shut your fucking mouth," Logan seethed, clenching his jaw. "Rory has nothing to do with this –even if she did, it's no _fucking_ business of yours, old man."

"It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's going on here, Logan."

"I told you. Rory has nothing to do with this."

"Yeah, sure she doesn't. And you're Prince fucking Harry. You're an idiot, you know that? You want to up and leave a supremely upward mobile home office here in London to save some failing dipshit paper in _Stamford_ that you never gave a fuck about, until about eight months ago. That dipshit paper is a stone's throw from the circus town where your beloved Ophelia grew up. Who do you think you're fooling?"

"I have a plane to catch."

"I wonder what Odette will have to say about all of this?"

Logan stomped to Mitchum's desk and towered over him, staring him down with such intensity that his father leaned back in his chair. "You leave her alone. Leave her alone, Mitchum. Do you hear me? Leave Odette alone. If you don't –so help me God, I'll come back here to knock your ass into intensive care. And don't even think about harassing Rory either, you bastard. If you do, I'll beat you senseless –twice."

"I struck a nerve, I see," Mitchum said smugly, straightening his tie as his son shifted his weight to leave the office. "All that's missing is a love child now, you know."

"Go to hell," Logan muttered, leaving his father's office without looking back.

As he was leaving he sent Odette a text message: _Hey. I told my dad we broke up. He's in a particularly vile mood. Promise me you won't answer his calls. Don't let him into the flat either. He's pissed at me, but if you talk to him he's going to take it out on you. I don't want him kicking you when you're down._

Odette answered him quickly: _I can handle it Logan._

_Believe me, it's a headache you don't need. I feel bad enough as it is. I can't handle my dad making it worse for you. I told him our breakup was none of his business and I want it to stay that way. Odette, please. Promise me._

_Okay. Fine. I promise._

_Thank you. Sorry I left without a word this morning. I figured it was better that way._

_You're probably right._

_I'm sorry, Odette._ Logan was expecting some kind of response, but he was met with silence instead. He shouldn't have been surprised, but for some reason it made him inexplicably sad. _I'm headed back to the States tonight, but I'm still reachable on my cell if you need… I meant what I said before, if there's anything you need… anything I can do to help_ …

After what seemed like a very long time, Logan's phone buzzed with a response. _I know you meant it. I will let you know. Thank you. Goodbye, Logan._

_Goodbye, Odette._

* * *

"Typically, the results of any type of testing like this are mailed," Paris said.

"Mailed?" Rory asked quietly, shifting uncomfortably in her seat in Paris' office at Dynasty Makers. "As in –?"

"You'd receive an envelope in the mail containing the results and a detailed report on those results, as would Jess and Logan."

"But that's so –cold."

"It's how these things are officially done. These are DNA results, Rory, not an invitation to a ten-year-old's birthday party."

"Yeah, I guess," Rory sighed.

"That's why I asked you to come in. I figured you wouldn't want that."

"Is there another way?"

"Well, the protocols for these things are strict for a reason. But I sent the samples to one of Dynasty's most trusted private labs. When they call me with the results, technically they're not official until the report accompanying those results has been written and signed off on –but the report doesn't make the results any less official, ostensibly. When I get the call, I can tell you directly. Technically, they wouldn't be the 'official' results… but they are. I can tell you the results directly and you can talk to Logan and Jess yourself. They'd still get a hard copy by mail, but they'd know what the results are without opening the envelope," Paris explained.

"Yeah, yeah, you can tell me."

"Do you want me to schedule a time for the three of you to come in? I can help you deliver the news…"

"No. No. This is something they should hear from me," Rory insisted.

"Are you sure? I don't mind."

"I'm sure."

"Are you sure you can handle that? Having those conversations with them by yourself?"

"Truthfully? No. But Paris –I have to. I have to."

"Yeah, I can see that."

"How much longer until the results are back, do you think?"

"Well, since I'm going to be calling you and telling you verbally, it does cut down on the waiting time. You won't be waiting for the results to be written up in a report."

"Paris –how long?" Rory asked desperately.

"Another week, roughly. Give or take," Paris answered.

"Oh God, this is going to make me insane."

"Wait until you have to have those conversations with them –you'll look back _so_ fondly on your time in _Who's Your Daddy Limbo_."

"Paris…"

"What? It's true."

"What am I going to do?"

"There's nothing you can do Rory. The die has been cast –it was cast a long time ago. The only thing for you to have done is not sleep with them both in the same week –either that, or remembered to have taken your damn birth control. If it were me, I would've made sure of the latter, because there's no way that week wasn't fun, right?" Paris asked with a wicked grin. "Do you think whoever the father isn't would sleep with me? I don't even care that it'd be a pity fuck. I need to remember what it's like to have sex with someone other than Doyle –what I wouldn't give to get fucked by a man who isn't a member of the lollipop guild."

"Thank you for that disturbing image, which will now be branded into my brain until the day I die," Rory rolled her eyes.

"You're welcome!"

"I should go. Mom's got Hannah at the inn with her. I should get back, get her home. Paris, as soon as you know _anything_ ," Rory said quietly, desperation creeping back into her voice.

"You'll know as soon as I do, Rory. You have my word," Paris promised.

"When you get the results, keep your commentary to yourself –save it for later. I don't need your two cents; I just need –"

"I know. You have my word on that too. I am a doctor, you know. I can be professional."

"I know. I didn't mean to –I just meant –"

"Paris Geller, M.D. will be calling you with those results Rory, not Paris Geller, Sworn-Enemy-Turned-Best-Friend. I do know how to separate the two."

"Thank you Paris."

"If you change your mind on wanting me there when you talk to them, as a fallback if it's too much for you, just let me know."

"I will. Thank you."


	23. Chapter 23

Rory's book, _Gilmore Girls: Family, Friendship, Love, Coffee & Pop Tarts_ was released on Tuesday, July eleventh, exactly one month to the day after Hannah was born. Sales spiked up a bit when word got out that the Gilmore girl who'd written the book had given birth to a Gilmore girl of her own. From Tuesday to Friday, three hundred orders were placed online, and another hundred copies were sold between Truncheon's two locations. Matt and Chris saw fit to order another five hundred copies, confident that the sales patterns would continue to trend up. By the time Rory was able to do press when Hannah was a few months older, everyone was hoping for a massive boom.

Jess did his part to help promote Rory's book. He talked up his connections in Brooklyn, Philadelphia and Connecticut in marathon phone calls, selling Rory and _Gilmore Girls_ like it was the next _Diary of Anne Frank_ , minus the gut-wrenching tragedy. On his desk was a framed photo of Hannah; he lost time staring at it and caught himself smirking at her as he made his phone calls. It was a known fact that Jess and Rory were old friends, so the guys didn't think anything of the picture on his desk. Ella had thoughts about it, but she kept them to herself.

Jess had more than enough things to keep him busy –so busy that sometimes he forgot to eat all day long. But no matter how busy he was, there was a countdown clock alive and well in his head –he knew he'd have an answer soon. His schedule was so packed he barely had time to go to the bathroom, or get a full night's sleep. But he did this on purpose –he wanted to be so busy that he barely had time to think.

The only time when Jess allowed himself to be in the moment were the two or three times a week that he spent half days with Hannah, sequestered with Rory in Luke's old apartment. With every passing day, sneaking into that apartment became more nerve wracking; his breath caught in his chest for an instant before he walked in, wondering if today was the day he'd find Rory waiting for him, without Hannah, to have _that_ conversation. Jess knew he'd be thrilled to be Hannah's father, but he was unsure of how he felt about everything else that would come with it –he knew it would force he and Rory to face some hard truths about themselves and their relationship to each other.

* * *

Logan never said a word to Rory about the fact that he lied –that he was really in London breaking up with Odette and fighting with Mitchum when Rory believed he was in Stamford. She never questioned it, so he never intimated otherwise. His quick sojourn to London was something he needed to do –it was something Logan needed to do for himself. He knew that breaking up with Odette hardly meant case closed –that didn't guarantee that he and Rory would have a fighting chance at anything- but Logan knew he wanted to try. It was important to him not to dangle Rory in Odette's face when she'd asked him if there was someone else –there was, but it wasn't anything Odette needed to know about; there was no need to add insult to her injury.

Logan wanted Rory to be his future, it was that simple. He loved Hannah –the more time he spent with this tiny, innocent baby, the more in love he fell. Who her father was, by blood was very important, but it wasn't everything. After his heartfelt confessions to this child, Logan realized that he wanted to prove himself to be better –he wanted to surpass his own expectations.

That Jess and Rory had history was clear. It was clear they loved each other. What Logan didn't see was any evidence that they wanted to be together. Of course, he knew Jess well enough to guess that if he was Hannah's father, he and Rory would eventually, likely, try to make a life together –Logan could hardly blame Jess for that. But if he wasn't Hannah's father? Logan saw no indication from Rory or Jess –subtle or otherwise- that the love that existed between them was anything romantic. Yes, there had to be feelings there –if there weren't, they never would've slept together- but Logan got the feeling that whatever water was under that bridge wasn't anything either of them were eager to rekindle at the present moment.

Logan knew that Jess would be in Hannah's life regardless –and he was okay with that, because when it came to this child, there was no need for a pissing contest. They both loved her. They both knew that they both loved her.

Logan secretly hoped he could measure up to Jess –not because Jess would taunt him or _want_ to make a show of his devotion, but because Logan was very aware of his own shortcomings. Breaking up with Odette and yelling Mitchum was the easy part. Hard was still coming; Logan wouldn't know how hard until he knew what the struggle would be –fitting into a role that had been set in motion almost a year ago or struggling to do that against the odds and against the grain, fighting to be part of Rory and Hannah's lives while not usurping another man's role.

* * *

On Monday, July seventeenth, Rory's phone rang at eight in the morning. She sighed, wishing she could have the annoyance of having been woken up. A five-week-old baby seemed to be the universal cure to sleep; as a result, she was wide awake and had been for hours. "Hello?"

"It's me."

"Paris… do you have the –"

"I do."

Rory's heart started to race. "Well…?"

"Are you sure you don't want to come in with them Rory?" Paris asked carefully. "It'll be easier if you don't have to bear the burden all by yourself –"

"Just tell me Paris!" Rory said sharply. "Goddamn it! Now is when you start beating around the bush? Unless you're going to tell me it's neither of them and Hannah is the Wookiee's daughter –"

"When the hell did you sleep with a Wookiee?"

"Never mind!"

"She's not the daughter of a Wookiee. But I could've told you that based on her hairlessness alone…"

"Paris!"

"If you're holding Hannah, put her down, Rory," Paris said quietly. "And sit down."

"I'm not holding her," Rory replied breathlessly. "I –I am sitting down. Pl–please Paris, just tell me."

* * *

"Hey Ace," Logan smiled as he entered the house later that morning.

Rory nodded timidly.

"Are you all right? You look –shaken. Is Hannah –?"

"She's fine."

"Where is she?" he asked, peering into Rory's room.

"With Luke at the diner."

"What –did he lose a bet or something?" Logan quipped.

Rory didn't laugh. She didn't even smirk.

"Rough crowd. What's going on, Rory?"

"Paris called this morning."

"Paris… so that means –"

"Yeah."

Logan sighed heavily and ran a shaky hand through his blond hair. "Can I sit?"

"I think you should," Rory whispered.

"Are _you_ okay, Ace?"

"Me? I'm –I'm fine."

"You're not making a very convincing case for yourself. Look –whatever it is, just tell me. It'll be okay."

"Okay," Rory sighed. When she opened her mouth to speak again, no sound would come out.

Logan inhaled a steadying breath of his own and reached for her hand. "It's okay, Ace. It's just you and me. You know me. There's nothing to be scared of. Just talk to me."

Rory nodded slowly and eventually found her voice. Logan started to sweat, he became short of breath and felt like he might vomit; he wondered if he was having a panic attack. It didn't take Rory long to reach the crux of what she had to say; after six months and five agonizing weeks of waiting, Logan held his breath as it all came down to this.

He heard her. She said the words in no uncertain terms. But he found himself needing to hear them again. "What?"

Rory repeated herself.

"And you're sure?" Logan whispered, blinking hard as he felt tears come to his eyes. "Paris is _absolutely_ sure?"

"Yeah. She's sure."

"Okay. It's Paris –how could she not be sure, right? I guess that was a dumb question. Sorry –it's just a lot to take in, you know? I don't know what I thought this day would be like when it finally came… I've lost time thinking about it, about what the answer would be and how I'd feel about it –but even still I'm just –I'm drawing a blank, you know? I don't even know if that's what I was expecting to hear."

"Yeah, I know," Rory answered, blinking away her own tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm not being very comforting, or reassuring, am I?"

"I don't expect you to be… like you said, it's a lot for you to take in. I've had a few hours to sit with it. I just hit you with it –it's okay –I mean, it's understandable."

Everything Logan thought he was sure of when he walked in the door a few moments before, shifted. The ground underneath him was the same, but it didn't feel steady anymore. All the years he'd spent believing himself to be invincible –untouchable, simply put, _better_ than everyone else –Logan's unshakable confidence suddenly cracked –split wide open. Everything he thought he knew seemed to no longer apply.

Logan had spent nearly thirty-six years being one type of man; he always knew who he was and where he came from and made no apologies for it. Looking back, this would be the day that everything changed; Logan never believed he'd have the kind of life with a hinge, that could be starkly divided into a _before_ and an _after_. But he would be leaving Rory's house that day a different man than who he was when he walked in.

"Does Jess know?" Logan asked after a long silence.

Rory shook her head. "I just found out this morning. I couldn't handle talking to you both in one day –I –" she gasped for breath. "Tomorrow. I'll go see him tomorrow."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No. This is something I need to do. He needs to hear it from me –just me. I don't think that around each other is anywhere either of you should be –I don't mean that like –Logan, you'll both be in Hannah's life –"

"I know."

"And you're okay with that? You want –?"

"Of course. Actually, I made peace with it a long time ago."

"Can you –can you stay with Hannah tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll stay with her, Ace," Logan promised.

"If it's too much, after –that's okay, I just thought –" Rory faltered. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't've asked. You don't have to."

"Ace, it's okay. I want to."

"Really?"

Logan nodded. "Really. But if you change your mind and you want me there, with you, just say the word –we can ask Lane to watch Hannah. You shouldn't have to do this alone if you don't want."

"But I told you alone."

"I know, and I'm saying you don't have to talk to Jess alone. If you want me there, I can be there."

"But why would you –of all people- offer to –?" Rory stammered. "I don't understand. Why do you care?"

"Because things like this are never easy, no matter what side you're on. He loves Hannah as much as I do. Jess and I got to know each other under –unique circumstances to say the least. Jess was the person I could turn to through all of this –he extended an olive branch when he saw that I had no one and he kept his word. I respect him, Rory. He's as attached to Hannah as I am; neither one of us are going to be prepared to cut that little girl out of our lives –we won't, ever."

"Did you think I would ever expect either one of you to –to –to cut Hannah out of your life based on these DNA results? Did you think I would want that?" she asked tearfully.

"No, Ace, of course not. I promise you, I never once thought that and I know Jess doesn't believe it either. I think all of us knew that and accepted it well before today," Logan explained with a soft smile.

"I appreciate that Logan –the offer to come with me- Jess would appreciate it too, in theory," Rory whispered, smiling a little. "But this really is something I should tell him alone. I'm about to turn his world upside down and –it's better if I talk to him alone."

* * *

"Hey, Ror," Jess smirked. "Come in."

"Thanks," Rory said.

"Do you want anything…?"

"No, I'm okay. Thank you though."

"You look nervous."

"You don't…"

"I've mastered the art of a calm, cool exterior."

"I'm sorry I stole you away from the office."

"It's okay; better to have the conversation here. How's Hannah?"

"She's really good," Rory whispered. "She –she misses you."

"Really? She tell you that herself?" Jess quipped, putting his arm gently around Rory's shoulder. "Come on, sit down."

"Thanks."

"Are you sure you don't want anything?"

"Um, water, maybe."

"Coming up," Jess said, darting into his tiny kitchen. As he reached for a glass, he shook so violently he had to steady himself with his other hand. Pouring the water, he was so unsteady that it splashed all over the counter. He wasn't as calm as Rory thought he was. Jess took a few deep breaths and tried to calm his nerves –or at least let himself appear calm. It was clear that Rory was barely holding it together; it drove him crazy that even seeing the state she was in couldn't help him get a beat on what she was there to tell him. He walked back over to her very slowly –biding his time, trying to decipher what was going on in her head. "Here you go."

"Thanks."

"So –you said Paris called you yesterday?"

"Yeah."

In his gut, Jess knew she'd already spoken to Logan. "Rory –breathe."

"Sorry, I –"

"It doesn't get easier, does it?"

"What?"

"You already talked to Logan."

"How'd you –?"

"I know you. I can tell."

"Right. Of course you do." Rory chuckled nervously, though to Jess it sounded more like she was trying hard not to cry –too hard. She reached for her water and knocked it over, sending the glass tumbling to the floor. The water spilled everywhere and the glass shattered. "No! Shit! I'm so sorry, Jess! I'm sorry! Oh, God. I'm so sorry!"

"Shh, Rory. It's okay. It's just water."

"But the glass!"

"It's not my only glass. Here, sit tight. I'm just gonna grab the broom from the closet. I don't want you to cut yourself. Stay there."

Jess clenched his jaw and fists as he went to get the broom. This wasn't good.

"I'm so sorry. I'm such a klutz, I'm so sorry, Jess," Rory cried.

"Rory, it's fine. No big deal. It's okay."

"No. No, it's not."

Jess sighed deeply. He closed his eyes for a second and put down the broom and dustpan. He shifted his weight slightly where he was kneeling on the floor and put his hands on Rory's knees; they were shaking. He waited there until she looked at him. The sorrow in her eyes knocked the wind out of his chest.

When Jess finally spoke, it was barely above a whisper. "You don't have to –I won't make you say it, Rory. She's not mine –Hannah's not mine, is she?"

Rory shook her head. "No," she breathed. "I'm so –s-so –so sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything," he said quietly, fighting to keep his voice steady.

"But, I –"

"No. Listen to me. She'll still know me. She'll always be my –my Hannah Banana. I'll always be there for her –and you, okay? You and Logan will figure this out. You will, Rory."

"Jess, I don't –I barely know what I'm doing."

"I know. One day at a time, Rory. It'll get better. It'll get easier."

"But, Logan –I don't even know what he –"

"He loves you. He may be a bit of a dick, but he loves you Rory –that much is clear. He loves Hannah, too. You two will figure this out."

"But you –"

"I love Hannah, too, Rory. You know I do. I'll still be a part of her life. If Logan has a problem with that, well –it's his funeral."

"I know. Logan doesn't have a problem with –that's not what I was going to say."

"What, then?"

"You would've been an amazing dad," Rory sobbed.

"Hey," Jess smirked, a lump forming in his throat. "I'm only just thirty-three. Don't go sterilizing me just yet. I still have time."

"Jess… I wish –I wish you could both be –"

"I know. But we'd definitely kill each other. Then you'd really be screwed," he whispered. Shifting his weight to sit on the couch, he pulled Rory's head against his chest and just let her cry –it was useless to try and stop it.

By the time Rory calmed down, she drifted off into a restless sleep. Jess' skin was humming and he was about to tumble headlong into a full-on breakdown, but he couldn't let himself –not yet. He got up from the couch very carefully and laid Rory down before pulling out his phone and shakily dialing a number, blinking hard to see straight. "Hey. You need to come get her. Do you know where I live?"

"Jess?" Logan said quizzically. "Is she okay?"

"The short answer is no. She can't drive. She's too hysterical."

"Hysterical –?"

"Yes, Logan –hysterical. Do you trust me to make an objective observation of her mindset or are you going to waste time second-guessing me? You know what she came here to tell me –do you really think she's _not_ hysterical?"

"How are you?" Logan asked quietly.

"How I am doesn't matter right now," Jess said sharply. "Just come get her."

"But I have Hannah with me –"

"Well, you can't bring her with you here, that'll only make things worse. Bring her to the Dragonfly. Leave her with Lorelai. And bring Lane with you."

"Lane?"

"Yes. You remember Rory's best friend, don't you? Bring her with you."

"Why?"

"Because, brain trust –Rory drove here. Someone needs to drive her car back to Stars Hollow. Make sure Lane comes in to get her when you guys get here, not you."

"Because seeing us together right now, especially looking after her –it would be way too much. Got it," Logan nodded.

"I'm glad Yale wasn't a total waste," Jess snapped.

"Jess I – I'm sorry, I –"

"I know. I'm sorry I'm snappy. I don't mean to –"

"I know."

"Well good, now that we've gotten our monosyllabic touchy feely feelings out of the way, can you hurry up and get here please?"

"Yeah. Give me an hour."

"An hour –seriously? That's it? You _are_ driving from Connecticut, right?"

"My car's really fast," Logan said simply.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Of course it is."

* * *

A little over an hour later, there was a soft knock on the door. "Jess, it's Lane."

Jess sprinted over to open the door. Whatever Lane saw when he opened it caused her to stand on tiptoe and wrap her arms around him before she shifted her focus to Rory –which was saying something, because Jess and Lane had never hugged before –not once.

Jess thanked Lane silently, with pained eyes. He nodded in Rory's direction, pointing out the broken glass, wordlessly telling her to watch her step.

"Hey Rory. You ready to go home?" Lane asked quietly.

"Lane?" Rory said groggily, instantly feeling tears well up in her eyes again as she saw Jess standing stoically by the door. "What're you doing here?"

"Jess called me to help bring you home."

"Of course he did," she whispered. "Jess –"

"It's okay, Rory," he said quietly, walking back over to her. "You're in no state to drive. That's why Lane's here. You should go home and get some rest, all right?"

"Jess, I –"

"Shh, don't worry about it. I'll check on you next week, okay?"

Rory nodded.

"Thank you," he whispered to Lane. Shutting the door behind them, he stood with his back against it and slid to the floor, letting his face fall into his hands. Just as he felt his eyes stinging with tears and he felt himself choke on the sob he'd been holding in for over an hour, Jess was jolted violently by another knock on the door. Sucking in a sharp breath, he cleared his throat and clenched his jaw, shook his head violently and stood to open the door.

"Hey."

"Logan?" Jess whispered heavily, his voice breaking. "I don't understand, what're you –"

"I hid, around the corner from the elevators. When I saw Lane walk out with Rory, I snuck up."

"Why?"

Logan said nothing, but simply offered his hand. Jess stared at him for a few seconds and then looked down, as if contemplating whether or not to take it. When Jess grasped it, Logan pulled him in and wrapped his free arm around Jess' shoulders. After a beat, Logan stepped back, held Jess' shoulder, nodded and left.

Jess stood frozen in his doorway and watched Logan disappear. He blinked and felt tears escape his eyes and tumble off his cheeks. He braced himself for earth shattering sobs, but they never came. Not wanting to waste his fleeting clarity, he checked to make sure he had his keys and ran out the door.

In the back of his mind, Jess wondered if he was in any state to be driving anywhere, given what had just transpired and the fact that Rory was so beside herself he had to have Lane and Logan come get her. Jess knew he wasn't doing much better –but he also wasn't planning on getting on the freeway; where he needed to go was barely ten minutes away.

* * *

Ella felt adrenaline course through her veins as she heard someone fiddling with her door. The door handle moved jarringly up and down –the kind of cheap scream that was overused in horror movies. But this was no movie. Ella grew up in Brooklyn, she hadn't had a roommate since her undergrad days at NYU; it never occurred to her to be intimidated by the city she called home, or the fact that she was a young woman with a disability, living by herself. But as she watched her door handle move joltingly and heard key scratches on the other side, her good hand clenched around her cellphone.

Her heart skipped a beat as she saw who burst in –not a robber, or a knife-wielding psychopath, but her best friend. "Holy fuck, Jess," she gasped, dropping her cellphone on the floor and clutching her chest. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry," Jess said, sounding hollow and far away. "Did I –di –did I scare you? I'm so sorry, El."

Right away Ella knew something was off. She wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone who might've asked, had anyone else been there –but she knew something was very, _very_ wrong. "Jess," she said quietly, "is that –did you use my emergency lockbox key to get in here?"

Jess looked down at his hand. That was definitely the key to Ella's door he was holding. He shifted his weight back and looked into her hallway and saw that her _Welcome_ sign was thrown over on its side. On the floor behind him was the lockbox and it was open. "I guess so? Sorry, I just –" he faltered as his breath caught in his chest.

"I don't care," she assured him quickly, grasping his free hand tightly because the way it was trembling terrified her. She squeezed it as tightly as she could. "Stay." Ella wheeled to her doorway and bent over to grab the lockbox off the floor; putting it in her lap, she turned on a dime and went back inside, pushing the door shut behind her, grabbing Jess' hand again as she came up next to him. "You can put it down now."

Jess laid her key carefully on the table. "I'm really sorry," he whispered.

"I told you, I don't care."

"But –but I scared you and –"

"Jess! I don't give a shit. What I care about is the reason you burst in here like that. You'd never do that unless you had a damn good reason. And judging by the look on your face and the fact that you're shaking like an eight-year-old girl in the rain, I'd say you have one. What happened?"

"Here, let me –let me grab your phone –I made you drop it and –"

"It's fine on the floor. If you don't tell me what's going on with you –or at least sit down and take a few deep breaths- I'm going to start getting very scared."

"Sorry."

"Stop saying that. Do you wanna sit down? On the couch?" she asked softly.

"Yeah. Yeah, sure."

Ella pivoted herself out of her chair and sat down next to Jess. "What's going on?"

"Rory came to see me today…"

"Okay," she nodded. Suddenly things started to make sense, but she was nervous to fill in the blanks herself.

"I had to call Logan to come get her. She was too upset to –but I had him bring her best friend, Lane. She wouldn't've been able to see the two of us in the same room. Not today. Rory had to think Lane came to get her, not Logan. But then, he –he showed up at my door. Shook my hand. He –he fucking hugged me- and then he left."

"So, Rory was too upset to drive…"

"Yeah."

"And Logan had to come get her, but you had to let her think it was her friend Lane that you called. Not Logan."

"Yeah."

"What'd she tell you?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? But I thought –"

"I couldn't make her say it, okay?! I couldn't, El, it would've been too cruel. She tried, but she was in such a state she couldn't even drink the water she asked for. She knocked the glass over, it shattered all over the floor and she just started to sob. I knew –I knew –I couldn't make her say what I could see written all over her face. It would've been too cruel. I couldn't inflict that on her. Not _today_ , El. Not today," Jess inhaled sharply and shook his head. Before he could make sense of it, it hit him like a ton of bricks and he was sobbing, just like Rory.

"Rory came to see you about Hannah."

Jess nodded. He looked at his best friend like a poor, lost little boy. "She's not –"

"Shh," Ella whispered. "You don't have to say it again. Not for me," she told him, reaching up to wipe his tears and tuck his hair behind his ear. She struggled to speak past the lump in her throat. "You're not Hannah's dad."

"No."

"And you wanted to be. You didn't realize how much you actually wanted it until she told you you weren't."

"It hurts," Jess sobbed. "My God –it hurts so much. I never thought it would hurt like this. She was never mine. I –I haven't even lost her. How can it hurt so much to lose something that was never yours, that you never knew you wanted? It's not like anything's going to change. I told Rory I –that I'm still going to be in her life."

"And you will be."

"Then why the _fuck_ does it feel like someone cut me off at the knees and stabbed me in the chest? Nothing's different than it was yesterday."

"Yes it is, Jess," Ella said quietly, holding back her own tears. "Everything's different. And it hurts. It's okay –that it hurts."

"No! No! It's not."

"Why not?"

"Because I –I am not this guy. This guy who sobs because the bad sexual choice and resulting child _aren't_ his responsibility. Who does that?"

"You."

"Why?! I should be breathing a sigh of relief, not –not struggling to breathe. I feel like I can't breathe, Ella. I can't breathe. Please –please just make it stop –the crying, God, who the fuck even cries like this? The pain –please just make it stop," Jess begged, sobbing so hard he was starting to hyperventilate.

"Jess, I can't," Ella said gently. "I can't make it stop. I wish I could. You know I would if I could –but I –I can't take away what you're feeling. You just have to –feel it."

"I don't want to."

"I know."

"God! I miss not giving a shit about anyone or anything. Can I go back?"

"No."

"Please, Ella –please just let me go back," Jess cried.

"I can't," Ella whispered. "If you're going back to that, you'll have to drag me back there with you."

"I can't do this. I can't keep –"

"Feeling? It sucks, I know. But yes you can. You're going to –otherwise you would've switched it off as soon as Rory left and you'd never trouble your mind with thinking of Hannah ever again."

"Hannah… oh my little Hannah Banana…"

"You wanna stop feeling? You have to stop loving her. What's it gonna be, Jess?"

"I can't stop loving her. But what if –what if I can't –what if it always feels like this?"

"It seems like it will, but it won't. I promise you, Jess."

"What if it gets too hard to keep breathing?"

"The pain associated with breathing will pass –eventually, breathing will once again, just be something you do."

"But what do I do until then?"

"Until then," Ella sighed, taking Jess' hand and lacing their fingers together, "all you have to do is remember, you're not alone. I'm right here. I'm right beside you. So until it gets a little easier, you let me breathe in time with you, okay?"

Jess nodded helplessly and sighed. "Okay. God I'm such a mess. El, I'm so –"

"You tell me you're sorry and I'll kick your ass, Mariano."

"Okay. I'm not sorry, then."

"Good. You look exhausted, Jess…"

"I am. I feel like I've aged ten years in one day," he took a deep breath. "Thank you."

"Whatever for?" Ella winked.

"I mean it, El."

"So do I. You're always safe with me, Jess. You know that. I'm always on your side. I'm Team Jess, for life."

"Team Jess?" Jess laughed. "I'm pretty sure that's not a thing."

"Oh, it is. Because I say so."

"Well –what's the other team then?"

"Team Wrong."

"You're ridiculous."

"Hey –girl's gotta have her loyalties, right?" Ella asked. "I'm sure Logan's a fine guy –great, maybe. But he's not you. Someone else can be on his team."

"Luckily I'm not sure you'd have too much competition. I'm fairly positive not many people would believe I'm capable of emoting," Jess chuckled.

"Oh, good. It's my little secret then."

"And Luke."

"And Luke."

"And…"

Ella squeezed his hand.

"Damn, I went a whole minute without the soul crushing pain," Jess whispered shakily. "And it's back."

"One minute is a good start," she assured him.

"Funny thing is, I was only thinking of one of them. But now, now I'm thinking of both. Do you want to know who crossed my mind first?"

"I don't think it matters."

"Yes it does. Of course it matters, El."

"Not to me. Not to them, either."

"What if I can never look at her without it ripping me in half?"

"You will."

"When?" Jess asked desperately.

"I don't know," Ella said honestly.

"What if I never can?"

"It feels like that now, but only because you just –but it won't always hurt like this. I promise."

After that, Jess dissolved into tears. Talking was done. He actually cried himself to sleep. Ella would never admit this to him, but she was legitimately scared for him –part of her was telling him he'd get through it just because that's what you say.

This wasn't something Jess was going to get over; it was something he would learn how to live with. Not being Hannah's father was going to change him as much as being her father would've –maybe more.

Just like he'd done for Rory earlier that day, Ella held Jess' hand and let him cry until he fell asleep. When he drifted off, their fingers were still intertwined. Luckily, her good hand was free. She muted her home phone and fished Jess' cell out of his pocket, writing an email to Greg telling him he was sick and not to expect him in for a day, maybe two.

Ella was exhausted herself, but Jess' current state shook her to her core. She was too concerned for him to sleep, so she did the only thing she could think of to do –slow the rhythm of her breathing to match his, just like she promised him she would.

As she watched Jess sleep, Ella's mind started to wander –in spite of herself, she found herself wondering how Logan was taking the news that Rory had given _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS. I was originally planning to write this chapter and the next one and post them back to back (same day), but then at some point during Jess' epiphany with Ella, I was just like "No. These two chapters need to stand alone. People need to digest this... fuck, I NEED TO DIGEST THIS... lumping them together in a rapid fire posting is a disservice to both sides of this revelation." The idea of not letting you all digest this while I craft the flip side to this coin seemed wrong. So, now, I thought it would be more powerful for everyone to find out who the father is by confirming who the father is not. Something about finding out, for sure by having to ride Jess' heartache with him seemed like the best way to keep the tension palpable.
> 
> For those of you who're worried that I'm giving short shrift to Logan, I'm not. The next chapter will backtrack and take you through his entire conversation with Rory and even spending that first day as Hannah's Dad, overlapping the phone call from Jess and what it was like on his side of Jess' door. That being said, as of Tuesday, I'm embarking upon the week from hell, where I will have no choice but to crawl down a deep, dark hole. I was planning to get both chapters written and up before Tuesday and that's still the plan, but at least this way if I have trouble, you have one and not none. Rest assured, Logan's POV is coming; it's not just coming, it's next.


	24. Chapter 24

"Hey Ace," Logan smiled as he entered the house later that morning.

Rory nodded timidly.

"Are you all right? You look –shaken. Is Hannah –?"

"She's fine."

"Where is she?" he asked, peering into Rory's room.

"With Luke at the diner."

"What –did he lose a bet or something?" Logan quipped.

Rory didn't laugh. She didn't even smirk.

"Rough crowd. What's going on, Rory?"

"Paris called this morning."

"Paris… so that means –"

"Yeah."

Logan sighed heavily and ran a shaky hand through his blond hair. "Can I sit?"

"I think you should," Rory whispered.

"Are _you_ okay, Ace?"

"Me? I'm –I'm fine."

"You're not making a very convincing case for yourself. Look –whatever it is, just tell me. It'll be okay."

"Okay," Rory sighed. When she opened her mouth to speak again, no sound would come out.

Logan inhaled a steadying breath of his own and reached for her hand. "It's okay, Ace. It's just you and me. You know me. There's nothing to be scared of. Just talk to me."

Rory nodded slowly and eventually found her voice. Logan started to sweat, he became short of breath and felt like he might vomit; he wondered if he was having a panic attack. It didn't take Rory long to reach the crux of what she had to say; after six months and five agonizing weeks of waiting, Logan held his breath as it all came down to this.

"Logan –Hannah, she's –she's yours."

He heard her. She said the words in no uncertain terms. But he found himself needing to hear them again. "What?"

"Hannah's your daughter, Logan. You're her dad," Rory whispered, feeling a lump well up in her throat. Part of her was happy –thrilled- but she couldn't quite bring herself to smile. She loved Logan and she _knew_ Logan loved Hannah, but Rory felt uneasy because Logan was the one she wasn't sure she could count on. The man she knew she could count on, regardless of anything that might be going on between them, was the person whose heart she would be responsible for shattering, like glass.

"And you're sure?" Logan whispered, blinking hard as he felt tears come to his eyes. "Paris is _absolutely_ sure?"

"Yeah. She's sure."

"Okay. It's Paris –how could she not be sure, right? I guess that was a dumb question. Sorry –it's just a lot to take in, you know? I don't know what I thought this day would be like when it finally came… I've lost time thinking about it, about what the answer would be and how I'd feel about it –but even still I'm just –I'm drawing a blank, you know? I don't even know if that's what I was expecting to hear."

"Yeah, I know," Rory answered, blinking away her own tears.

"I'm sorry. I'm not being very comforting, or reassuring, am I?"

"I don't expect you to be… like you said, it's a lot for you to take in. I've had a few hours to sit with it. I just hit you with it –it's okay –I mean, it's understandable."

Everything Logan thought he was sure of when he walked in the door a few moments before, shifted. The ground underneath him was the same, but it didn't feel steady anymore. All the years he'd spent believing himself to be invincible –untouchable, simply put, _better_ than everyone else –Logan's unshakable confidence suddenly cracked –split wide open. Everything he thought he knew seemed to no longer apply.

Logan had spent nearly thirty-six years being one type of man; he always knew who he was and where he came from and made no apologies for it. Looking back, this would be the day that everything changed; Logan never believed he'd have the kind of life with a hinge, that could be starkly divided into a _before_ and an _after_. But he would be leaving Rory's house that day a different man than who he was when he walked in.

"Are you –are you happy, Logan?" Rory asked quietly. "I mean, I know it's a lot to take in –you have to process –there's so much we have to figure out. But… are you happy? Is this a –a good thing?"

"It's the best news I've ever heard in my life, Ace," Logan smiled, taking a hold of her hand. "We do have a lot to figure out, but we _will_."

"You've said that before…"

"Rory –I know I wasn't –when you were pregnant, I skirted this conversation and I shouldn't have; I'm so sorry for that. I know you were unsure of me and I gave you no shortage of reasons to be –that's on me. I know me being Hannah's father doesn't mean case closed –we still have work to do. A happy ending is not guaranteed. We're bound to make missteps and screw things up along the way. But, Ace," Logan whispered affectionately, "Ace, I promise you. As scared as I am, I'm so happy. I will be her dad, Rory. Not just her father, but her _dad_. I promise. Thank God you decided to tell me about all this, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Does Jess know?"

Rory shook her head. "I just found out this morning. I couldn't handle talking to you both in one day –I –" she gasped for breath. "Tomorrow. I'll go see him tomorrow."

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No. This is something I need to do. He needs to hear it from me –just me. I don't think that around each other is anywhere either of you should be –I don't mean that like –Logan, you'll both be in Hannah's life –"

"I know."

"And you're okay with that? You want –?"

"Of course. Actually, I made peace with it a long time ago."

"Can you –can you stay with Hannah tomorrow?"

"Of course I'll stay with her, Ace," Logan promised.

"If it's too much, after –that's okay, I just thought –" Rory faltered. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't've asked. You don't have to."

"Ace, it's okay. I want to. Why wouldn't I? You just told me she's my daughter."

"Really?"

Logan nodded. "Really. But if you change your mind and you want me there, with you, just say the word –we can ask Lane to watch Hannah. You shouldn't have to do this alone if you don't want."

"But I told you alone."

"I know, and I'm saying you don't have to talk to Jess alone. If you want me there, I can be there."

"But why would you –of all people- offer to –?" Rory stammered. "I don't understand. Why do you care?"

"Because things like this are never easy, no matter what side you're on. He loves Hannah as much as I do. Jess and I got to know each other under –unique circumstances to say the least. Jess was the person I could turn to through all of this –he extended an olive branch when he saw that I had no one and he kept his word. I respect him, Rory. He's as attached to Hannah as I am; neither one of us are going to be prepared to cut that little girl out of our lives –we won't, ever."

"Did you think I would ever expect either one of you to –to –to cut Hannah out of your life based on these DNA results? Did you think I would want that?" she asked tearfully.

"No, Ace, of course not. I promise you, I never once thought that and I know Jess doesn't believe it either. I think all of us knew that and accepted it well before today," Logan explained with a soft smile.

"I appreciate that Logan –the offer to come with me- Jess would appreciate it too, in theory," Rory whispered, smiling a little. "But this really is something I should tell him alone. I'm about to turn his world upside down and –it's better if I talk to him alone."

* * *

When Rory left for Brooklyn the following day, Logan was still in a daze. He couldn't quite believe that he was Hannah's father. It hit him when he was finally alone with her. "Well, you're stuck with me now, aren't you little girl?"

Logan cradled her gently against him and paused to smell her skin. All the sudden, he was crying –out of both happiness and fear. "I'm going to try so hard, Nannah –so hard. I want to protect you, not hurt you. But I'm not perfect. I'm gonna screw it up. I'm sorry in advance for all the ways I won't get it right. Even dads aren't perfect –and you sure got a doozy with me. Even when I mess up, I hope you never doubt that I love you; I love you so much. Your mom too, I promise you, you two are my number one –"

He stopped short and cursed under his breath as he realized he wasn't even a day into this fatherhood gig and he'd already made a big mistake. Logan knew that Rory had a lot on her mind; telling Jess the news wouldn't be easy and he gave her a lot of credit for choosing to bear the brunt of the pain without a safety net. At the time, he was so overwhelmed that he didn't think much of her understated reaction to telling him that he was Hannah's dad –he chalked it up to a mix of dread, knowing the conversation she'd need to have with Jess and being more than a little overwhelmed by the answer herself. He didn't take it personally. Logan's heart sank as he realized that he may have been partially to blame for Rory's inability to take some good with the bad –he never told her that he broke things off with Odette. All the ways that she was overwhelmed were bad enough –not knowing where Logan stood after telling him he was Hannah's father must've made Rory feel so much worse.

Hannah started to squirm in Logan's arms and within fifteen seconds, she was screaming. "My sentiments exactly, kid," he sighed. "You don't know this yet, but Dad can be a class act idiot sometimes. Yes, he can. Okay, what's up with you? Is something actually wrong or are you just crying in solidarity?"

Logan checked the time. _She might be hungry,_ he thought. That was the ticket. Five minutes later Hannah was quiet as a mouse, but for the suckling noises as she eagerly chowed down on the contents of her bottle. As he was changing her, after she spit up in place of burping, he nearly gagged at what he found in her diaper. "I don't understand –you're so little, Nannah. Where did all that come from?" he marvelled. Somehow, by the time all was said and done, nearly half an hour had gone by.

Just as Hannah drifted off to sleep in her crib and he plunked himself down exhaustedly in the rocking chair, his cellphone rang.

"Hey. You need to come get her. Do you know where I live?"

"Jess?" Logan said quizzically. "Is she okay?"

"The short answer is no. She can't drive. She's too hysterical."

"Hysterical –?"

"Yes, Logan –hysterical. Do you trust me to make an objective observation of her mindset or are you going to waste time second-guessing me? You know what she came here to tell me –do you really think she's _not_ hysterical?"

"How are you?" Logan asked quietly.

"How I am doesn't matter right now," Jess said sharply. "Just come get her."

"But I have Hannah with me –"

"Well, you can't bring her with you here, that'll only make things worse. Bring her to the Dragonfly. Leave her with Lorelai. And bring Lane with you."

"Lane?"

"Yes. You remember Rory's best friend, don't you? Bring her with you."

"Why?"

"Because, brain trust –Rory drove here. Someone needs to drive her car back to Stars Hollow. Make sure Lane comes in to get her when you guys get here, not you."

"Because seeing us together right now, especially looking after her –it would be way too much. Got it," Logan nodded.

"I'm glad Yale wasn't a total waste," Jess snapped.

"Jess I – I'm sorry, I –"

"I know. I'm sorry I'm snappy. I don't mean to –"

"I know."

"Well good, now that we've gotten our monosyllabic touchy feely feelings out of the way, can you hurry up and get here please?"

"Yeah. Give me an hour."

"An hour –seriously? That's it? You _are_ driving from Connecticut, right?"

"My car's really fast," Logan said simply.

"Of course it is."

Logan swore he could _hear_ Jess roll his eyes. He shrugged and capitulated to the unavoidable truth that Jess was having a _way_ worse day than him –Logan could let him have this one.

He wasted no time dialing Lorelai's cell number. "Lorelai, it's Logan."

"Logan?" Lorelai said in surprise. "Why are you –what's wrong?"

"I'm at the house looking after Hannah…"

"Where's Rory?"

"I was getting to that. She's in Brooklyn, she went to talk to Jess. Anyway, I need to go get her."

"Why? Why can't you just bring Hannah with you? You have a car seat."

"I can't –she's too upset to –just trust me, Hannah shouldn't come with me. As it is, I need to rope Lane into coming."

"Why…?"

"She drove to Brooklyn, Lorelai. Someone's gotta bring her car back."

"I wasn't born yesterday, Logan. She's in Brooklyn and whatever state she's in, she needs escorts to bring her home –something must've happened. Is she okay?"

"Physically, yes."

"Why did she go to Brooklyn today, Logan? Why didn't I know she was going to Brooklyn today?" Lorelai asked warily.

"She wasn't going to say anything to anyone until she'd spoken to both of us," Logan sighed.

"Both of you. Meaning you and Jess."

"Yeah."

"Well, why's she so –?"

"You're the one who just told me you weren't born yesterday, Lorelai. Why do you think she's so upset –too upset to drive?"

"Oh."

"Yeah. Can I bring Hannah by?"

"I'm offended that you're not already halfway here," Lorelai said softly. "I'll call Lane, that way you can just pick her up on your way back through town as you head to the freeway."

"Thanks," Logan said. "I'll be there soon." He hung up the phone and cursed under his breath. "Fuck. I should've gone with her."

* * *

Logan followed Lane into Jess' building, muttering whole time, asking himself if he had a death wish.

"I thought Jess told you she can't see the both of you together today? Do you _want_ the earth to open up and swallow her, Logan? Because I for one, will take it somewhat amiss. So will Hannah," Lane said with a glare.

"I'll make sure she doesn't see me, Lane, I swear."

"I don't get it; why do you even want to come in? Do you not trust me to get her? I've loved her way longer than you."

"You're mad it's me, aren't you? You're Team Jess, right?" Logan asked. "Or, at the very least Team Not-the-guy-who-cheated-on-his-fiancé?"

"I'm Team Rory, thank you very much," Lane said through narrowed eyes. "Who you cheated on or didn't cheat on makes no difference to me. So –why the hell do you want to go up there and risk being seen? Do you _want_ Jess to kill you?"

"Jess is the one who called me! It was his idea that I bring you, too."

"Jess is smarter than he looks. And just because he called you –it doesn't mean he doesn't want you dead."

"If he wanted me dead, I'd already be in the ground. Look, you drive back with Rory in her car, okay? I'll follow."

"Fine. Thanks –for bringing me. It may have been Jess' idea, but you didn't have to."

"Thank _you._ "

"So, why _do_ you wanna go up there?"

"I just… I don't know. I wanna thank him, I guess."

"You really do have a death wish, don't you?" Lane asked sarcastically.

"Yeah, I probably do," Logan said under his breath.

When he saw Lane get off the elevator on the main floor with her arm around Rory, Logan sprinted to catch the same elevator to go up to Jess' apartment. _It's not too late to run, you know_ , he thought to himself, _you can leave with the girls, you don't actually need to see Jess. He definitely doesn't want to see you_. Logan bit his lower lip and punched the number for Jess' floor –hard.

Logan rocked back and forth on his heels a few times outside of Jess' door. He could've sworn he heard heavy breathing, a heave, a sob. For a split second, he seriously considered leaving. Before he could logic himself out of it, he knocked very softly. There was shuffling and after a beat, the door opened. "Hey," he said quietly.

"Logan?" Jess whispered heavily, his voice breaking. "I don't understand, what're you –"

"I hid, around the corner from the elevators. When I saw Lane walk out with Rory, I snuck up."

"Why?"

Logan was about to open his mouth to say something, but the sight of Jess standing before him was just so –the guy was a wreck. He stood slightly slumped over, like he had a fifty-pound weight strapped to his back; his eyes were bloodshot and his entire body was trembling. Jess was a strong, sturdy guy –but now, now he just looked like the life had been sucked out of him. Logan instantly felt a tightening in his chest; what had started out as a tenuous peace and unlikely alliance, instantly became kinship.

Logan knew that Jess was hanging on by a thread; he'd used the last of his composure to make sure Rory didn't completely crumble. He'd used the last of his composure to phone the other man and tell him to come and get her –now that she was gone, the gravity of the pain was creeping up on him and he was starting to unravel. Logan knew that had things turned out even slightly differently, he'd be looking in a mirror, seeing in himself exactly what he saw in Jess.

He knew any words he could say wouldn't be enough –nor would Jess care to hear them. Instead, he extended his right hand and waited, unflinchingly. Jess cast his eyes down and looked at it quizzically, as if he didn't know what it was, much less what he was supposed to do with it. Finally, Jess' arm moved. Logan closed his fingers against Jess' shaky hand and before he could stop himself, he was pulling him in and wrapping an arm around those strong but broken shoulders. Releasing him as quickly as he'd embraced him, Logan held Jess' shoulder while the two searched out each other's dark eyes. Logan nodded once, turned and left.

Logan had no idea, but the first of Jess' river of tears over the entire ordeal were shed before he reached the end of the hallway.

* * *

"Hey, Lorelai. It's Logan again."

"Is she with you?"

"She's with Lane in her car. She didn't actually know I was there."

"Probably best."

"Listen, can I come get Hannah? I asked Lane to drive a little slow, maybe spend a little extra time consoling Rory –it'll give me a chance to beat them home. I don't want Rory suspecting anything's amiss. That's… definitely not what she needs," Logan explained.

"Yeah, of course. I gotta say, Logan –I'm impressed," Lorelai admitted.

"Uh, why?"

"Because, you're like –action man. Making plans of how to appear as though no hair is out of place. Very duplicitous. You'll learn, a very large part of parenthood involves trickery."

"I'm not tricking _my_ daughter; I'm tricking _your_ daughter." Logan was briefly stunned when he heard himself say the words 'my daughter' out loud in a conversation with someone other than Rory, or baby Hannah herself. He liked the way it sounded –though he dreaded the fast-approaching inevitability of uttering those words to Mitchum, especially considering his biting comment about a love child. Logan shook the bad memory off and focused on the good. "I'll be there soon, Lorelai."

* * *

When Lane brought Rory home, they went straight to her bedroom. "Where's Hannah?" Rory asked tearfully.

"Logan has her in the living room. She's here. Everything's fine Rory," Lane assured her. "Maybe you should –"

"I want to see my daughter! Now! Logan! Hannah! Hannah!"

Logan was listening from the living room and closed his eyes to let out a deep sigh, hugging Hannah tightly to his chest. Rory sounded utterly spent and just –sad – _so_ said. Logan couldn't really blame her; in any other situation his alpha male instincts might have kicked in, but there was nothing to be jealous of here. This whole thing was such a rollercoaster ride for her and now all the denial she'd spent her pregnancy hiding behind was fading away. Rory loved Hannah with all her heart; Logan knew she wasn't necessarily disappointed with the paternity result, but it's hard to find the good in a situation where someone gets their heart broken, no matter what you do. This is why Rory was sad. It's hard enough to adjust to such a monumental change, but everyone knew all along that someone was going to get hurt –it mustn't have been fun for Rory to come home from a conversation where she had no choice but to rip the still-beating heart out of someone that she cared about. Logan saw it in Jess' eyes, and he heard the same thing in Rory's voice now. It must be so hard to reconcile one's love for a perfect new baby with the cloud of complicated heartbreak hanging over her head.

All Logan could do was say a silent prayer –to no one in particular- that since it was finally done, given enough time, the fog would lift and everyone would have the chance to find their footing again, and just focus on the _joy_ that was Hannah. It was a tall order, especially considering the hurdles still in Logan's own path –but he had faith that Jess would be able to find his way out of the darkness and find a way to be part of Hannah's life; if he had faith that Jess could do that, surely Logan could handle his own hurdles, which were small by comparison.

He shifted his weight slowly to head towards Rory's room. "Let's go cheer Mommy up," Logan whispered. "She needs some love and I think you, Nannah, is just what the doctor ordered."

As Logan entered the bedroom, he nodded silently to Lane, and she quietly slipped away.

"Oh, my baby girl. My sweet baby girl," Rory cried, taking Hannah from Logan and clutching her to her chest.

"She's freshly changed; she ate about half an hour ago. She should be calm for a while," he said quietly, kissing Rory's head. "I'm sorry, Ace."

"What for?"

"It was rough, wasn't it?"

"How'd you know?"

"I'm looking at you, Ace," Logan said sympathetically.

"He's just…. I don't know how he's going to…. I couldn't even say it, Logan. _He_ had to. He had to say the words –I couldn't even let him hear them from me. He had to _…_ "

"Shh, it'll be okay. Jess just needs time."

"I'm afraid I've lost him… we've lost him… he'll never be the same again."

"You haven't lost him, Rory. Hannah hasn't lost him. He just needs time. So do you. It'll all be okay. I'm proud of you, you know –for going to talk to him. It took a lot of courage. I'm sure he appreciates that you went to him yourself. Just think of how much worse it would've been if he found out from that envelope that's coming his way? You did him a kindness –he won't forget it."

"A _kindness_?" Rory asked bitingly. "I ripped his heart out of his chest, Logan! He's broken! I broke him!"

"I just meant –it was better that he heard it from you, rather than reading it from an envelope in a few weeks. There's no _good_ way to get bad news, but it's better that he heard it this way, from you. It doesn't seem like it, I know, but believe me, it's better. You did the right thing. If it were me –you coming to talk to me yourself would mean the world, no matter how much what you came to tell me would hurt –it would mean the world. And trust me, it does to Jess."

Logan rubbed Rory's back soothingly and pulled her tightly to him, his arms encircling both her and Hannah. He closed his eyes and rested his chin on Rory's head, holding his family close. He hoped he was man enough to always be what they needed. "The hard part's over," he whispered. "Now, everyone just needs time. It'll be okay, Rory. Everything will work out."

"I'm tired," Rory said weakly. "I think I'm going to lay down, sleep for a while."

* * *

Logan sat by Rory's bed, watching her as she slept. Hannah was laying against her chest; when she started to get restless, Logan took her in his arms gently, so that Rory wouldn't be disturbed.

"You look a little better," Logan whispered when Rory woke an hour later. "How do you feel?"

"Exhausted."

Logan smiled sadly and tucked a strand of Rory's hair behind her ear.

"Sorry I'm such a mess."

"I think you have every right to be. Don't worry about it. I'm just sorry this is so hard. I really hope it starts getting easier for everyone now."

"Yeah."

Logan took both of Rory's hands and moved to sit next to her on the bed. "I have to tell you something. I should've told you yesterday. I'm sorry I didn't."

"What is it?" she asked timidly.

"Rory, it's nothing bad. I promise."

"Logan, what is it?"

"I –I broke things off with Odette. We're not engaged anymore Rory."

"What? Wh –when?"

"A few weeks ago," Logan answered vaguely.

"So, you broke up with her before you knew about –?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Are you –are you telling me the truth? Oh Logan…" Rory said quietly, clearly conflicted.

"Listen, I don't expect us to just automatically –we have a lot to figure out, I know that. But, I know, maybe, part of the reason you were skittish yesterday is because you still thought I was –I should've told you. I'm sorry. But Rory –Ace, this is where my heart is. You're my _family_ now. Hannah's our –" Logan paused as his eyes welled up with tears, "Hannah's our daughter. I know –I know Jess is broken, and believe me, I know how easily that could've been me in his shoes. I don't expect you and I to just jump into a white picket fence scenario. I know we have a lot to figure out; I know nothing is guaranteed and it's going to be a slow process. Even just telling everyone that this is –what's happening… I know we have a long road ahead of us, Rory…"

"Logan…"

"I'm willing to fight, Ace. I'm going to make mistakes. It won't be perfect and we're both going to be fumbling around in the dark half the time. It won't be easy, I know. But I –this is what I want. I'm willing to fight for my family. You're my family. Hannah's my family. I want to be a better dad to Hannah than Mitchum ever was to me."


	25. Chapter 25

"I don't understand Rory. Why didn't you tell me?" Lorelai asked gently.

It'd been two days since Logan left Hannah with Lorelai after getting a call from Jess. Rory had barely said anything about it since. This was the first time mother and daughter were alone, with enough of a wide berth for Lorelai to bring it up.

Rory shrugged and swallowed the painful lump in her throat. "It's not like you could've done anything. What difference does it make?"

"No, kid. Don't give me that crap. I could've been there with you when you talked to them! Do you think I –do you think Lane appreciated finding out from _Logan_ that he was Hannah's father instead of hearing it directly from you?"

"Well, forgive me for not thinking about _Lane_ in all of this. She'll live."

"I could've helped you, Hun."

"Mom, I'm sorry I didn't tell you first, okay? I am –but no –no, you couldn't have helped," Rory whispered tearfully.

Lorelai sighed sadly –her daughter was right. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

"With who the father is, I mean…"

"I don't know."

"But Rory, you and Jess –that was a one-time thing. You –you're in love with Logan. I mean, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am."

"And he's in love with you. You told me he broke up with Odette."

"He did. He is."

"Well then why do you sound sadder than Kirk did when he was on his juicing diet?"

"Because," Rory sighed. "Logan's –I love him. I'm in love with him. I know he loves me. I know he loves Hannah. But this is the same guy who slept with a bevy of bridesmaids in less time than it takes me to decide between regular fries, cheese fries or chilli fries."

"Well, who can blame you? They're all such yummy options!"

"I got pregnant with Logan's daughter while we were both cheating on people."

"But Rory, he broke up with Odette –unless you don't believe that he actually did…"

"No, I believe him."

"Well then what's the problem?" Lorelai asked. "Don't tell me you miss Pete."

Rory rolled her eyes. "His name was Paul. The problem is, this happened when he was cheating on someone. How do I know he won't do the same thing to me that he did to Odette?"

Lorelai couldn't help but wonder where this stellar logic of Rory's was hiding a year ago. "He wouldn't do that to you, you're –"

"Because I'm me? That's not a reason. Logan loves me. And he's grown up a lot, but he still has the tendency to have a worse attention span than a Chihuahua, if he's in the wrong head space."

"As funny and disturbing as that mental image is –what I was going to say is that you're the mother of his child, Rory. You think he'd abandon you and Hannah just because things might get hard?"

"You mean the way Dad was always a stellar source of support for you? Because he never begged off whenever he felt like it…"

"It's not exactly the same thing," Lorelai said. "Me and your dad were kids ourselves. We didn't know what we were doing."

"You figured it out."

"Luckily, you were a child that was easy to fool. I also kept your dad at arm's length. He didn't fight me to get any closer and that's on him, but it wasn't all his fault, Rory."

"Stop it!" Rory said angrily. "Stop making excuses for him! Is that what you want me doing for Hannah if Logan blows in and out with the direction of the wind? Do you want me making excuses for him the way you're doing for Dad?"

"No. Of course not! But you and Logan aren't sixteen, Rory. Forgive me for deciding to air on the side of having a little faith in the kid I raised. I have to believe that you inherited your fashion sense and your pop culture encyclopedia from me _and_ that you learned from my mistakes. I don't think you'll be able to avoid them all, because if history wasn't going to repeat itself a little, you never would've gotten my eyes. But I have to believe you learned what not to do from me, as much as you learned what _to_ do. I have to believe the best in you, Rory. I'm your mother –that's my job," Lorelai shot back.

"Jess is the one I can count on."

"What?"

"You want to know how I can be in love with Logan and yet, I can't just be happy that the man I love is my daughter's father? Jess is the guy who I can count on –doesn't matter if I deserve it, or what being there for me does to him… he's –I can count on him."

"Who'd have thought, huh? God he was such a punk…"

"He's not anymore. He's… it doesn't matter that there's no 'us'. If Hannah was –I'd have nothing to worry about. But is the steady guy the guy that I love? No. Is the steady guy Hannah's father? No. I –Mom…" Rory cried.

"I know. It's terrifying. But funny thing –Luke's not your dad. Was he ever not there for you?"

"Luke was never _almost_ my biological father. You just told me that me and Logan aren't the same as you and Dad –well, me and Jess aren't the same as you and Luke."

"That is true," Lorelai nodded. "But like mother, like daughter… like uncle, like nephew."

"You don't know that," Rory said bitterly.

"Maybe not –but you don't _not_ know that, Rory. Everything seems like the end of the world right now, but –just, don't crowd him. Give him time, give him space. Jess _will_ come around. I can't pretend to know what it'll look like when he does, but I know he will."

* * *

"I'm sorry –come again there, mate?" Finn said, his mouth hanging open in shock. "Rory had a baby? Rory Gilmore had a baby…. and that baby's father… is _you_?"

"Yup, that's what I said," Logan muttered into his beer glass.

"Crikey, are you sure? Was Rory rooting anyone else?"

"Rooting…?"

"Fucking. Was she fucking anyone else, Logan?"

"See, why can't you just say 'fucking'?"

"Because in Australia, rooting is fucking…"

"That's a strange land you come from, Finn," Logan laughed.

"Focus, dipshit," Finn sighed, smacking Logan's head.

"Ah, there's a word I understand. Yeah, she was. Why do you think I didn't say anything? I didn't know if she was mine."

"She…"

Logan felt him smile. "Hannah."

"Oh God, you're too drunk. You're imagining things."

"I'm not drunk. And I'm not imagining things. I'm happy. Not drunk –happy. Genuinely happy."

"How do you know Rory hasn't got you by your bulgy purse string balls?"

"She doesn't. We had a paternity test done after she was born. Hannah's my daughter, Finn."

"Well, you're talking to the wrong bloke," Finn said, downing his shot and ordering another. "You should be talking to Robert. He was the one who wanted to have a football team's worth of illegitimates."

"Key word being 'illegitimate.' I'm not doing that. Did you hear me? Hannah's my _daughter_. I intend to be her father. Not the absent kind."

"That's what they all say, in the beginning."

"Here, you want proof, you bastard?" Logan asked, pulling out his wallet to unearth a picture of himself, Hannah and Rory.

"That this 'Hannah' is yours? Not particularly. Far be it for me to shatter your imaginary –whatever you've got going on there."

"Why would I shit you about this, Finn?"

"Why would someone invent such a torturous device as a Rubik's cube?"

"What? What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing, really. I just want to know what twisted prick thought that up," Finn shrugged. "Look, are you sure that Rory's not yanking you around on this?"

"Positive."

"Okay. Well then forgive the inebriated Aussie's obvious question –but what about your fiancé?"

"She's not my fiancé anymore."

"You told her about –?"

"Of course not!"

"What did you say to her?"

"Apart from 'I can't marry you,' and her being heartbroken, but letting me go without pulling a Carrie at the prom, does it really matter?"

"Suppose not."

"Good. Drop it."

"Good fucking lord… you're serious," Finn whispered, stunned.

"Oh yeah, what was your first clue?" Logan asked bitterly. "Look, tell the rest of the guys if you want. Save me from having this conversation twice more. But you leave Rory alone, understand? She can't deal with any of _you_ yanking _her_ around right now. You think I'm anything less than dead serious, just try me. And if you breathe word of this to Mitchum, Shira _or_ my sister _or_ Odette, I'll kill all three of you with my bare hands."

"Does Rory know you were planning to tell me about this today?"

"We fought for half an hour. For some reason, she doesn't think my friends can handle sensitive information. We'll probably fight about it some more when I get back to her tonight. Do yourself a favour –prove her wrong. For my sake –I need a port in this storm that I actually _like_ …"

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Logan, I –"

"Finn, I don't want to talk about this with you anymore until you get your head out of your ass."

"But I am Finn –my head lives in my ass. It's quite a nice ass, actually. Not a bad place to live. Oh, wait –that had a homoerotic subtext I'd like to take back, can I –"

"Whatever. Tell Colin and Robert or don't tell them. But if you tell them, make sure they know exactly how many ways I'll kill them if they do anything I just told you not to do."

"You'll have to tell your family eventually. Evil overlords though they may be, you can't hide it forever, Logan."

"I know. But I don't have to tell them quite yet. Mitchum knows I broke up with Odette and I'm planning to stay in Stamford indefinitely, revamping the _Gazette_ …"

"Shit –you're actually doing that?"

"Yes, I'm actually doing that. And Mitchum's not happy about it, but I don't really care. I have a bit of time before I have to add to my problems and drag Rory and our perfectly innocent baby into my father's crosshairs. Don't damage my precarious calm, Finn, or I'll kill you right now. I gotta go. Tonight's on me," Logan said. "Make sure you call yourself a cab."

* * *

It had been four days. Four days since Jess had to utter the painful words that Rory couldn't bring herself to say. Four days since he'd had to break his own heart, and then comfort her. When _had_ he become that guy? She was vaguely aware of it through the haze of her grief the morning they'd slept together, but now –after everything- the answer seemed akin to some kind of Holy Grail. She hated herself; Rory hated that Jess had to fall on his own sword –again.

Logan was already telling his Life and Death Brigade the happy news. Logan was starting to spread the word before Jess broke his cone of silence. Rory knew that one thing had nothing to do with the other, and as much as Logan's friends were better at partying than they were at being adults, she knew he had to tell them sometime. Logan spreading the word, while Jess had yet to _say_ a word were two completely separate issues, she knew; but still, taken together, the opposing ends of this pendulum made Rory uneasy.

Logically, Rory knew why she hadn't heard from Jess. He was grieving –grieving for the chance at fatherhood that slipped through his fingers, grieving the fact that the baby he loved like his own was in fact not his own. But Rory was frantic; the longer the silence stretched, the more convinced she became that there was no way back from this –this was the thing that would cause her to lose Jess forever.

Rory's unexpected pregnancy drew them closer than they'd been in a long time; closer than they'd been in _years_. Jess had become a better man than even _she_ thought possible. He was living a quiet, stable life that she knew nothing about until the fates forced them together again. His life was fine until she came along and complicated everything.

Rory felt responsible for his pain, because she was. Jess could've refused to have anything to do with what was going on, but he didn't –he stepped up. He put everything on the line and turned his life upside down to be there for her, while processing the possibility of being a father at the same time and he did it all without wavering. And then Rory had to yank the rug out from under him and break him. It was her fault. If she'd gotten that amniocentesis, all of this could've been avoided.

"My God," Rory whispered, rocking Hannah in her arms, "what if he never forgives me? He didn't deserve –but I can't, I can't lose him, Hannah baby. You don't know Jess very well yet, but believe me, he didn't deserve this and I can't stand that I did it to him. Even for all the ways he hurt me, and all the years we weren't even –he's a part of my life, a part of _me_. I know he's always there. But I –I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't –I don't know how to have a life that he's not part of. What if he can't get over it –not being your dad? Oh Hannah," she cried, "what if he never comes back? What if you never get to know him?"

Rory tried to calm down –she wished someone was here to calm her. It was three o'clock. Lorelai was at the Dragonfly, Luke was prepping for Thursday dinner rush at the diner and Logan was stuck at a meeting in Stamford; he wouldn't be with them until tomorrow. No one would be home for a few hours. She tried to distract herself –she checked on how her book was selling on Truncheon's website and she proofed layouts she was working on for _The Stars Hollow Gazette_ and Woodbury's paper, but her mind was still running in dizzying circles. Hannah had been unusually quiet all day, allowing Rory's thoughts plenty of opportunity to drive her crazy and worry her sick.

In a flash, she remembered, verbatim –almost as if she were watching it on a movie screen- a day that she'd all but forgotten about, when she dropped everything because she was struck with an overwhelming need to see Jess. Eerily enough, he'd been in New York then, too. When she remembered her explanation to him for why she'd come, it sent a chill down her spine.

_"Why did you come here?" Jess had asked._

_Rory could barely hear him, his words muddled by the closed window on the bus. She could see his lips moving, but the sound he made was almost unintelligible. She opened the window. "What?" she'd asked._

_"_ _I said, why did you come here?" Jess repeated._

_"Well –"_

" _I mean, you ditched school and everything. That's so not you. Why'd you do it?"_

" _Because you didn't say goodbye," Rory admitted simply, a hint of sadness in her voice._

" _Oh," Jess said quietly. After a pause, he took a breath. "Bye, Rory."_

" _Bye, Jess."_

Rory sighed sadly. She went to New York for Jess once –she could do it again. "Come on, Hannah," she whispered, gathering her diaper bag, "we're going on a road trip."

* * *

Rory got to Truncheon just after five.

Greg saw her as he was tidying up the sales floor and just about to turn out the lights. "Rory?" he said in surprise as he ran to open the door for her. "What are you doing here? We weren't supposed to meet today, were we?"

"No," Rory shook her head. "I was just –"

"This is Hannah, huh? She's beautiful, Rory."

"Yeah, she is. Thanks, Greg."

"Kristen –my wife- she can't wait to start a family."

"Are you –?"

"Oh, no. We've barely been married a year. But – eventually," Greg said with a smile as Hannah tried to reach out and grab his golden blond beard. "Anyway, what are you doing all the way out here unexpectedly?"

"Oh, I –um, I need to talk to Jess about…" Rory faltered. She drove all the way to Brooklyn, never once thinking about what her reason for going might be –it never occurred to her that she'd have to explain her presence to anyone. "Hannah and I were visiting my friend Paris at her clinic in Manhattan today and before we head back to Connecticut, I –Jess was keeping me in the loop about how things were going with my book, through the contacts he has personally and I –since I was in the neighbourhood, or, close enough, I thought I'd stop in to get an update –if there was one, I mean," she stopped rambling to catch a much needed breath.

Her cover was shaky at best –there wasn't much to do with her book that Greg didn't have direct access to himself. But after a painstaking pause, he nodded as though he bought her story without question.

"Is he here?"

"No –sorry. He hasn't been feeling well. He hasn't actually been in all week. The guy's never sick, but whatever this is –it knocked him right out."

Rory's heart sank into her stomach. She knew exactly why Jess wasn't feeling well –it wasn't the flu he was out with.

"I'm not sure he's up for much, but I don't think he'd mind if you stopped in quickly. Just make sure you make it short and sweet –you won't want this little one catching any bad Jess germs. He's not at home though."

"What do you mean, not at home? If he's so sick, where else would he be?"

"I think he's staying with Ella. She works from home and she has a spare bedroom. That way, if things get really hairy, he has someone with him."

"But she's –"

"Disabled?" Greg smirked sarcastically. "How can she possibly take care of him if he's so sick, when she needs help herself?"

"I didn't mean –I just…"

"It's not like Jess needs to be spoon fed. And Ella's way more independent than you might think she is. Jess is sick enough that being alone and toughing it out by himself isn't the safest bet. They're best friends. She's keeping an eye on him. That's all. Men are babies when they're sick; Jess is no exception."

Rory smiled, embarrassed. "I really didn't mean…"

"Do you want her address? Jess has been out since Tuesday, I'm sure he's on the mend and can handle a quick visit."

"Sure, yeah. Thanks. I –"

"Rory, don't worry about it," Greg smiled, scribbling Ella's address down on a piece of paper. "She's just four blocks west of here. It shouldn't be hard to find. Give me a call next week, we can start talking about your press junket. It'll be here before you know it."

"Thanks. I will. Good to see you, Greg."

* * *

"What do you want for dinner?" Ella asked.

"Doesn't matter," Jess sighed.

"We have to eat."

"Whatever you want is fine, El."

"Pizza?"

"Sure."

"Pick something to watch. I'll be right back." Ella grabbed the delivery menu from a drawer in the kitchen and disappeared to make the call from her bedroom, so that she could collect her thoughts.

She sighed heavily; to say that she was worried about Jess would be an understatement. He'd clammed up after the crash landing he made when he first arrived at her apartment. When he woke up the next morning, Ella made him go home and pack a bag, insisting that he stay with her until the worst was over. Jess hadn't said another word about Hannah or Rory in the last three days, but how he felt was written all over his face. Ella was scared that Jess might never find his way completely out of this rabbit hole; she was worried that even once it got better, it would cast a shadow on him forever.

Pushing her apprehension out of her mind, she ordered the food and went back to her living room.

Jess' phone started to ring. He looked at it and rolled his eyes with a sigh, before turning it off. He threw it on Ella's coffee table and it landed with an angry thud.

"Who's that? Your mother?" Ella asked sarcastically.

"Greg. The only reason he's calling is about work and I don't want to talk about it. He thinks I have the plague anyway. Last I checked, people afflicted with the plague aren't exactly chatty. Whatever it's about, he can figure it out without me. I won't leave him in the lurch for so long he chokes, but he can still manage without me yet."

About ten minutes later, Ella's phone went off. She looked at it and saw it was the number from her lobby, which people used to be buzzed in.

"The pizza's here already?" Jess asked. "It's barely been fifteen minutes."

"I don't know. I guess so," she answered, connecting the call. "Hello?" There was no one on the other end. Ella heard what sounded like voices and a door shutting –whoever it was must've snuck in when a resident came in. Whoever it was, it definitely wasn't the pizza –food delivery men always identify themselves. "Weird."

"Who was it?"

"It was… no one. Hey, I'll be right back."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just gonna make sure whoever that was wasn't for me. I'll be back." Ella went to sit in her hallway, her senses on high alert. When she saw who stepped off the elevator, she couldn't help but laugh bitterly and get ready to throw the gloves off. She wheeled herself forward, away from her door to prevent her voice from carrying inside. "Rory. What are you doing here? And why did you bring Hannah with you? What do you think you're doing?"

"Hi Ella. I –is Jess here?" Rory asked softly, smiling nervously.

"You know he is, or you wouldn't be here. Which leads me to my next question… how do you know where here is? What did you say to Greg that led him to very pleasantly tell you where Jess is… convalescing?"

"Ella please, I need to see him. I –he hasn't –I miss him. Hannah misses him."

"You _need_ to see him? You think you do, but sorry –you don't actually _need_ to see him. And Hannah's a six-week-old baby. She knows 'sad'. She knows 'cry'. I don't doubt she's bonded to Jess, but she doesn't have the mental capacity to know who she misses or doesn't miss. Try again."

"I'm worried about him."

"So am I."

"I just want to make sure he's okay."

"Oh, well in that case… let me leave you three alone. I have pizza on the way –tell me, would you like me to light some candles and put on some Kenny G for you before I leave? Condoms are in the box under my bed –make sure he wears one this time."

Rory blinked and felt tears roll down her cheeks. "You don't have to be so –I'm not here to play games."

"What is it that you think you _are_ here to do?"

"I –"

"Let me spell it out for you, Rory. Four days ago, you told Jess he isn't the father of that sweet little girl in your arms. It's been _four days_ and you're upset that he isn't over it yet and spending every other day at your house like nothing happened. You feel bad and as long as he feels bad, you feel worse. You want him to be over it so you can feel better about yourself. Did you intentionally make him not Hannah's dad? No, of course not. You didn't mean for any of this to happen. But you made choices. Jess supported those choices –he supported you, regardless of what it put him through. You made choices that assured that someone would get hurt. You didn't do it maliciously, but the fact remains the same, doesn't it? Jess is the one who got hurt and you feel ashamed, you feel responsible. You care about him, so it matters to you that he's hurting –I get it."

Rory smiled.

"I'm not done," Ella warned. "You might want to rethink that sigh of relief you're about to exhale. Look, I know you mean no harm –I promise, I do. But Rory, you drove here from Stars Hollow – _with Hannah_ \- to what? Show up and cry and apologize and have Jess take a deep breath, shake it off and forgive you and read a bedtime story to Hannah? You're not even –you went to Truncheon and Jess wasn't there, right? Greg was, and being that he has no idea what's going on, he told you where to find him and thought nothing of it, so here you are. You probably don't even think there's anything wrong with you being here.

"You're not at Jess' door unannounced with Jess' bouncing not-daughter in your arms. You're at _my_ door. A woman you barely know. A woman who, as far as you know has no last name to speak of. A woman who's the only thing sitting between you and whatever twisted idea of redemption you have in your head. You barely know me! You managed to get my address out of Greg; at no point during his forthcoming kindness did you bother to stop him, right? Do you really think it's okay to show up at my home, with your child, to plead some sob story to a broken man? A broken man who you _know_ would never turn you away? You haven't just crossed one line –you've crossed half a dozen. Care to explain to me how you _actually_ think this _isn't_ manipulative as hell?"

Rory felt her throat close up. "Ella, I didn't mean to –I swear I didn't even –I'm so sorry."

"Whether I think you meant to or not doesn't change the fact that you did. You have no business being here. Jess needs time –not however much time you decide to give him, but however much time _he_ himself needs. If he sees you right now, choking on sobs and cradling the child that's not his, it helps _you_ –you get to feel better, he gets to feel infinitely worse. You know he won't turn you away –hell, you're banking on it."

"Ella –"

"Jess looked out for you for months, Rory. For _months_ , he put you first and himself last. You have no idea what he went through for you –both of you. He'll keep putting you first even if it kills him, that's the kind of man he is –he's not about to revert to the kid he was when you guys dated all those years ago. Throughout this whole thing, Jess looked out for you and your baby. He took the body shots; he swallowed the bitter pills. He had a harder time behind the curtain than I'll ever believe Logan had in front of it. Jess protected you.

"You know what my job is, Rory? It's my job to protect Jess. That's _my_ job. I like you. I don't think you're a bad person. But I'm more loyal than you could possibly imagine and at the end of the day, Jess always comes first. I'll easily prioritize him over you and Hannah and I'll sleep just fine tonight.

"You. Can't. Be here. I promise you, Jess still loves you and he loves Hannah even more. Why do you think this is so hard for him? He will come around. You have not lost him. If you were gonna lose him, he never would've shown his face at the hospital that day.

"But you can't manipulate his emotions, Rory –you can't dictate how he deals with this, how it feels for him, or how long the darkness lasts. You know as well as I do that Jess shuts off when he has hard stuff to process."

"Yeah," Rory sighed. "I know."

"And has crowding him _ever_ accomplished anything? Has all the begging or eye-batting in the world ever made him open up about things if he didn't want to? Pressuring him does nothing but push him away. You know that. I'm sorry, Rory –but you don't have a right to expect to be anywhere close to on the inside of this; you don't even have the right to ask."

"But I –"

"No. I'm sorry you drove all this way for nothing."

"Ella –"

"Rory. You have no right to be here. You're trying to barge into _my_ home and I'll throw myself down a flight of stairs before I let you in. You shouldn't have come. I know you feel bad. I know you're worried. You have my word that I will see him through this. When he's ready, he'll reach out. But you can't _make_ him be ready. It's not up to you. I know this is hard for you too –you didn't plan for any of this. But you have a mom, you have Luke, you have your entire town behind you. You have Hannah. You have Logan. He didn't disappear, did he?"

Rory shook her head.

"Go home. Put your baby to bed and talk to her father about all this. I'm sure he'll listen. You have so many people to support you! You know who Jess has? He has Luke and he has me. That's it. Luke is married to your mom, so he's gotta be a double agent. Jess has one full-time life raft –me.

"You and Jess have survived a lot. You'll just have to have a little faith that your relationship can survive this too. If you push him, if you force your way in, you'll only ensure that he never comes back. If you were him –if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you be? It's been four days. Would _you_ be over it? Would you be able to just carry on like nothing is wrong and whistle while you work?"

"No," Rory admitted.

"Exactly. Don't make me tell you how hypocritical it is for you to expect what you came here expecting. I know you're smarter than that."

"I'm sorry."

"Go home," Ella sighed angrily. Just then, her phone rang. This time, it was the pizza. "Pizza? Yeah, come on up. Look, Rory –that's our dinner. If you don't leave, I'll call Greg and sit with you in the hall until he gets here and makes you leave."

"Thank you," Rory whispered, after a few beats of silence.

"What for?"

"Protecting him –doing it fiercely."

"I don't want to hate you. But if you ever pull this shit again or anything of the kind, if you manipulate him in _any_ way –I'll hate you just as fiercely as I'm protecting him and I _promise_ you, I'll give zero fucks about it."

"Understood. Enjoy the pizza."

Ella watched Rory get on the elevator and then she watched the numbers count down. She let out a pained breath and blinked hard, forcing her angry tears to retreat. Rory had some nerve. Shaking her head, she spun around and opened her door. "Hey Grumpy! Pizza's here. I need your working arms to take the box."

"What the hell have you been doing out there for the last almost ten minutes?" Jess grumbled, getting off the couch to wait with Ella by the door. "Who were you talking to?"

"You heard me?"

"I heard you talking, but not well enough to know what you said."

"Oh," she sighed. "My dad called. I cut him off to let the pizza guy in."

"How's Papa Bear?" Jess asked, managing a small smirk as Ella paid and he took the pizza box.

"He hates it when you call him that, for one thing…"

"I know. He knows I know. He also knows that's why I do it."

"He's good," Ella smiled.

"Hey, El, I know I haven't been –if, if I'm in your way, I can go home," he said quietly a few minutes later, picking at his pizza.

"Jess, look at me. As long as you need to be here, you can be here. You're not in my way. However, my attendants are getting skeptical that you're my best friend with no benefits," she laughed.

"There's plenty of benefits."

"They mean of the X-rated variety."

"You have some very nosey women working for you. If they can't mind their own business or if their lives are so boring that they need to live vicariously through you, you should fire them."

"Jess, seriously. You being here is no problem. Stay as long as you want –as long as you need. It's fine."

"But I –"

"You'd do the same for me and you know it. Now shut up and eat."

"Okay. Thank you, El," Jess grinned crookedly, reaching out to squeeze her hand before turning his attention to his pizza.

Ella winked at him as she turned on the TV and started eating her own dinner. _He talked. It was normal for one whole minute. He even attempted a smirk and a grin. Twice! Separately! He even joked about Dad,_ she thought to herself. _It's a start._


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotten reviews telling me that my writing is amazing but that unless X or Y happens, people can't keep reading and they're really sad about it, but since they can't see what they want happening, they're stopping. That's your choice -the only thing I'll say is that the direction it's going in now may not be the direction it stays in. This is a long-haul journey and you can't presume to know how it'll turn out. If this novel isn't your cup of tea, you can put it down without stopping on your way out to let me know I've lost your interest.
> 
> Jess is not Hannah's father, but he WILL find a way to be part of her life. He will remain a major player in this journey. If you can't understand, or don't agree with why -if you don't get what he's so torn up about, I apologize. If it was as simple as "Jess gets to have his own life and now Rory and Logan can live happily ever after, YAY!" the story would've been over long ago.
> 
> Welcome to the BookTease rollercoaster, please keep your arms and legs secured at all times and buckle up for a wild one. You may make a crash exit at any time, but the ride will not come to a complete stop until it reaches the end of its track. Thank you, and enjoy the ride!

"What are you thinking about, Ace?" Logan asked quietly. "What's it like where you are?"  
  
Rory shook her head and blinked, tearing her eyes away from Hannah's crib. "What?"

"What's going on with you? You seem –distant."

"I'm not. I'm fine."

"Yes, you are. And no, you're not. What is it?"

It had been two days since Rory went to Brooklyn to talk to Jess and was unceremoniously sent packing. She knew that what she'd tried to do was wrong. She knew it was manipulative and illogical. Ella was completely justified in her anger and indigence.

Rory sighed. "Logan… I'm…"

"Are you… disappointed… that Hannah's mine?" Logan asked, his heart racing.

"That's not –"

"I know with this situation, nothing is –nothing is simple, or cut and dry. I understand Jess is –I understand what he means to you –or, as well as I can anyway. I know you're hurting because he is, I get it. But Rory, you slept with him once. It was one time. You –you didn't start anything up with him after that –you never became a couple.

"I know, you and me it's been –messy and dishonest and less than ideal. But we were in a relationship for two years before you got pregnant, Ace. We're dishonest, but we're in love. Or, we were anyway…"

"Logan," Rory whispered. "Hannah was a mistake."

Logan's brown eyes went wide and his face started to twist and contort in anger and pain.

"I don't mean like –I love her, _so_ much. And now that she's here, I wouldn't trade her for anything. I meant –I wasn't supposed to get pregnant."

"But you did."

"Yeah. And look how it happened."

"What do you mean?"

"We were having an affair. I was cheating on Paul and you were cheating on Odette, and I got pregnant. The thing that I love most in my life –it happened in a way that it shouldn't have. We were both cheating on people, Logan."

"I know."

"What a way for our daughter to come into this world. I feel almost like –like she was born with a scarlet 'A' branded into her."

"Scarlet 'A'?"

"Adultery. Don't you feel it, Logan? Don't you understand how hard it is to love something as much as we love our daughter, at the same time knowing how she came to be? Don't you feel the least bit conflicted?" Rory asked desperately.

"Sure I do, Ace. But –but you can't let that hang over Hannah's head forever," Logan reasoned. "I do feel that confliction. I know that this whole thing couldn't have been more unexpected, or less than ideal. But, it's not fair to our daughter. It's not fair to Hannah, Rory, to burden her existence with this conflict and internal turmoil she'll never understand. That's our cross to bear. We can't saddle our daughter with it. She's here. All we can do is love her and try to give her the best life possible. We can make up for the missteps we made in getting here by doing right by her. I know it won't happen overnight and I'm not saying that you're wrong –but Rory, eventually you're going to have to get over the mistakes we made to get here and just focus on where we are."

"You seem remarkably well-adjusted. Have you really been able to do all of that for yourself already?"

"No. I'm still working through stuff, Rory. But I'm trying to focus on the good."

"What if I hadn't gotten pregnant? Would you have married Odette and expected me to just be your mistress? You didn't break off your engagement with her until the eleventh hour. You never wanted to talk about if you wanted to be with me until our baby was already here. Hannah forced your hand. So where would we be? Where would we be right now, Logan, if this beautiful mistake hadn't happened?"

"Rory, I can't answer that. And it also doesn't matter. This is what happened. We had a child. And I'm here. I love you. And I love our daughter. We have a lot to figure out and it won't be easy, but I want to try.

"If you don't want me here, you should just say so. Is that why this Jess thing is eating at you _so_ much? You think it'd be better if Hannah was his, because then she wouldn't be the daughter of two cheaters?" Logan asked sharply. "I'm trying to put my best foot forward here, Rory. Odette's not in my picture anymore and What's His Face isn't in yours. I'm not going home to London to marry someone else and keep you in the shadows. Am I ashamed of how long we carried on and how deliberately deceitful we were? Sure. But I don't regret it. Instead of looking at Hannah like she's my ball and chain, why can't you look at her like she was meant to be? To give us the kick in the pants we needed to try and do this right?"

Rory's eyes welled up with tears. "I'm sorry, Logan."

"Are you? What do you want, Rory? Look –I know your pregnancy was –more stressful than most. You're probably dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings that I can hardly imagine. I know Jess is important to you and he stepped up big time and it kills you that he's hurting. In case you didn't notice, I've gotten to know Jess pretty well through this whole thing. I _know_ he's a decent guy. I don't expect you to be an open book, but you can't just freeze me out, Ace. Right now, it looks to me like you wish Jess was here and I wasn't. If that's how you feel, there isn't much I can do."

"It's not! I don't! Logan…"

"Do you love me, Rory? Really, honestly and truly –do you love me enough to try and make this work?"

"Yes. I do. I promise, I do. I –I always wanted to believe that we could have –this –a future together," Rory said tearfully.

"Well, now that we have a real shot at that chance, why are you looking at me like you wish that chance was with anyone _but_ me?"

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to –I'm so sorry."

"Rory, I can't change the fact that we got here through a series of bad choices. We can't take that back. But how often do bad choices like the ones we made lead to something so good –something that will be challenging, but –how often does that happen?"

"Not very often."

"So, let's not waste this –the chance to make it right," Logan whispered, taking Rory's hand.

"I love you, Logan –I do –I –this whole thing is just so –I'm sorry," Rory cried.

Logan cradled Rory's face in his hands and stared into her blue eyes before kissing her softly on the lips –for the first time since New Hampshire. When she didn't resist him, Logan felt a lump form in his throat. He knew they had a long way to go; it wouldn't always be this way –problem solved by a heartstring-tugging conversation and tearful apologies. Mistakes would be made; they'd mess up, test each other, hurt each other and probably make a lot more bad choices to go along with the good ones. "Do you promise," he whispered, pulling his lips slightly away from hers, "do you promise that you don't regret it Ace –that I'm Hannah's dad?"

"Yes," Rory nodded, running her fingers softly through Logan's blond hair, "I promise I don't regret it."

"I don't either. I know how easily it could've gone the other way. I know how easily I could've been living Jess' nightmare. My heart breaks for him a little, because I get it. But Ace?"

"Yeah?"

"Even if Hannah wasn't mine, I was going to break up with Odette either way. Even if Hannah wasn't my daughter, I still would've fought for you. I might've lost –but I would've tried. I still might lose –we don't know how this is gonna work – _if_ it will, even. But we're gonna do our best for our daughter. No matter what happens with us in the long run, Hannah will be loved. She'll know that both Mom and Dad love her. We'll make sure she's okay."

"Yeah, we will."

"I love you, Ace."

* * *

Logan knew nothing about 'baby blues' or postpartum depression, but he was sure that went some way in explaining what was going on with Rory. It made perfect sense, given the way her pregnancy came about to begin with –the fact that she didn't know who the father was until after Hannah was born –that she'd _chosen_ not to know until after Hannah was born and then she bore the weight of delivering that news to himself and Jess on her own… it all added up. He understood enough to know that women's emotions and hormones are all over the map during pregnancy and after giving birth under normal circumstances –and Rory's circumstance wasn't exactly normal.

Logan and Jess took it upon themselves to form a united front and do their best to shield her and cushion her fall while she was pregnant. They almost killed themselves doing it, but they were able to recognize what was going on with her even then –even if they never did label it- and they did a pretty good job.

But the problem was Logan wasn't part of a united front anymore –he was Hannah's father and Jess wasn't. Rory couldn't ignore her problems anymore and now, Logan was having to try and support whatever she was dealing with while he was going through his own emotional minefield of trying to deal with the fact that he was now a father. No matter how dark whatever she was going through was, Rory was right about one thing: Hannah's blessed existence came about in a truly regrettable way and he hoped she never found out about it.

"Oh, how I wish I could let Jess love you up while I take care of your mom, Nannah," Logan whispered to Hannah the next day. "It was easier when we could tag team it. I don't think he's ready to see you yet, though. No, I don't," he said quietly, tears coming to his eyes. "Not being your dad would really suck. If I were him I'd be under the table right now. I don't really know when he'll be back; I feel for him –I do. This is gonna sound really bad, but I'm glad –I'm so glad it's not me who has to deal with that pain. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you though. Oh God does he –that's why it hurts so bad. I don't know when, but he will be back, I promise."

"Who'll be back?" Lorelai asked, coming into the living room.

"Hey Lorelai –nothing. No one," Logan said.

"So, Jess?"

Logan smiled awkwardly.

"I gotta say –I'm surprised you care that much. About Jess. And about Jess being part of Hannah's life."

"Why?"

"Because…"

Logan didn't let her finish. "That was before we both had an equal probability of being the father of this little one. Jess chose to stay in the shadows –you didn't know but, he was amazing. I did a lot, but so did he. He couldn't talk to anyone about it. He had to support Rory, be there for her when I couldn't and keep it all to himself. Plus, he had to deal with me."

"You guys did seem pretty chummy the day Hannah was born."

"We were both going through the same weird thing. We couldn't talk to Rory about it because she was –and is- barely talking to anyone. So we talked to each other. We were an unlikely duo, but having a united front made everything easier. I don't know if he thinks so, but –"

"He does."

"How would you know?"

"I know something about the way Jess thinks."

"How? I mean –do you have some super tight relationship that I don't know about?"

"No. But –well, you know my mom –you… you knew my dad," Lorelai swallowed hard. "You know my parents' world –it's your world too. It was never my world. I took off because I didn't want to be forced into a life I didn't want. I was lucky –I found Stars Hollow, I found the life I wanted while I was running to escape the one I didn't. If I hadn't, or if I was pushed away, or forced to live a life I didn't want, if I had no one –let's just say that Jess sometimes feels like my alter-ego. I know something about who he is, because in a slightly different scenario, he's me –I am him. So trust me, whatever arrangement you guys had –he appreciated it –he does appreciate it. He's got a good little life now –he's stable and in a good place –but even still, his default assumption is that he's alone, whenever it turns out that he's not, it's a pleasant surprise."

"Wow –I mean, I definitely don't know him well enough to argue otherwise but that –that sounds pretty damn accurate," Logan said in surprise.

"Don't ever tell him I told you all that. The idea that I know him so well might make him revolt."

"I won't. I promise. Lorelai –"

"Oh, sorry," Lorelai shook her head. "Just because you're talking to Hannah about Jess –well, she can't talk back. You probably want a different topic of conversation with an actual engaging person, huh?"

"That wasn't what I was going to say."

"What, then?"

"I'm sorry about Richard," Logan said softly.

"Oh, well… it's been almost –I mean it's not like…"

"If it makes you feel any better, Rory reacts exactly the same way you're reacting right now whenever the subject comes up. I know it still hurts. I won't say any more about it, but I wanted to make sure you know, I really am sorry. He's missed. He was a good man. He loved his girls very much."

"Thank you, Logan. So –where is that darling daughter of mine?" Lorelai asked, looking away to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"I think she's putting in some time at the _Gazette_ and then having coffee with Lane," Logan answered. "It's good that she's getting out, focusing on other things a little."

"Yeah, it's probably good for her. I know all of this –the new baby, the 'who's the daddy' drama, it hasn't been easy for her. It's a good thing she had you and Jess to help her. It's a good thing she still has you."

"I'm not sure I'm much help. It seems like Jess understands the darker sides of her better than I do. I'm probably not what she needs."

"Jess has to be Jess' number one priority right now. He's the last person she needs; she might not think so, but. You're Hannah's father, Logan. You. You're exactly where you should be. Even if it feels useless, you have to just keep being there for her, and for Hannah. It's not useless, I promise. You're doing everything you can. You just have to keep doing it."

"I will –look, Lorelai, I'm sorry you had to find out from me, I mean, I know you would've rather that Rory be the one to talk to you. But she made up her mind that she could handle it the way she decided to and –there wasn't much I could do to talk her down."

"You did exactly what you should've done, which is call me when you realized Rory needed help. Am I disappointed that she didn't think she could tell me before she talked to you and Jess and at least let me be there for her? Sure. But that's not on you. It's good that you were able to spring into action the way you did –you knew what mattered and what mattered wasn't being delicate with what I knew or what I didn't know, it was getting to Rory."

"In fairness to him, Jess called me."

"Of course he did. You don't have telepathy, Logan."

"It was his idea that I leave Hannah with you and bring Lane."

"Okay, well –the first part of that I have faith you would've figured out on your own. No disrespect to Lane, but the more important part of that equation was making sure Hannah wasn't with you –you would've figured that out."

"I guess."

"I know."

"Lorelai," Logan sighed, "I think she's depressed. Like, really depressed. I don't know what to do about it. I feel like it's my fault –maybe if Jess was Hannah's father –"

"You really think it's that simple? That if Jess were sitting here and not you, Rory would be fine? It doesn't work like that," Lorelai said softly.

"You've noticed it too, then?"

"First of all –she's my daughter. Second of all, you'd have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to –yeah, I've noticed."

"What do we do?"

"I don't know. Something –I just don't know what yet."

* * *

It was Friday, July twenty-eighth. Jess had been staying with Ella for over a week. He still didn't talk much about why he was there, but he was talking more in general. The normal stages of grief didn't necessarily apply, but he was firmly in the denial stage –Jess would talk about anything except why he was still living with his best friend. He went back to work and kept himself busier than any human should be –busier than he was when he was waiting for the answer. As far as Greg knew, he was back at home, too. He was doing a lot better, but Jess wasn't quite ready to go home and have to live at the scene of the heartbreak yet.

Ella could see all the ways Jess was so much better –and all the ways he was stuck. This is what she was scared of –what if he never got unstuck? She wasn't about to kick him out; having been raised by a single dad, Ella was comfortable living with a man. Jess had been her best friend for nearly nine years; there weren't many surprises left. He stayed out of her way when her attendants were over and helping her with personal things –if they were scheduled to come in the evening when he was done with work, he'd sit in her spare bedroom and read until they were gone. That was pretty much that.

When her phone rang that Friday afternoon before Jess got back from work, Ella looked at the number quizzically. "Luke? Is everything okay?"

"I was gonna ask you that. Jess hasn't been returning my calls," Luke sighed heavily. "At all. Last I heard, he was staying with you. Is that still…?"

"Yeah, he's still staying here."

"He's barely said two words every time we've talked. I either get him while he's at work or not at all. I feel like he's seventeen again. He's not hoarding baseballs and gnomes at your place is he?"

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind. How's he doing?"

"That's a relative, not-so-simple question to answer. I –I've never seen him like this."

"He's been through a lot –but nothing like this. You're doing an amazing thing, letting him stay with you. Making sure he's not alone."

"Well, 'let' wouldn't be the word I'd use. After he showed up here the way he did –I didn't give him a choice. I made him go home and pack a bag. He was so distraught I don't think it ever occurred to him to fight me on it, which is saying something. Leaving _is_ up to him. He'll go home when he's ready, but I'm not making him leave one second before he decides that's what he wants. It hasn't been so bad, actually, having him here," Ella said.

"He's lucky to have you. I know how close you two are, this can't be easy for you either, Ella –seeing him like this," Luke said gently.

"This is what best friends are for. Real friends can let each other fall apart. It's kinda like what they say about firemen and burning buildings –everyone else will run away, but precious few will run _towards_ the blaze. Anyway, what I'm doing for him is nothing he wouldn't do for me."

"I know that's the truth. Listen, is he around?"

"No. He isn't back from Truncheon yet."

"Just as well. I'm almost there."

"Where?"

"Brooklyn. I get that he's going through hell and he probably doesn't want to talk to me, but sometimes what he wants isn't what's best for him. I have Cesar covering the diner all weekend. You shouldn't be the only one in the trenches with him; even strong women need reinforcements sometimes."

Ella smiled and felt tears roll down her cheeks. She breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "He's lucky to have you, too, Luke." Blinking her eyes dry and clearing her throat, she quickly formulated a plan. "Listen, he won't want to go back to his place just because you're here. He can't handle being there –if he could, he wouldn't still be staying with me. You guys can stay here; I can spend the weekend with my dad."

"Oh, no," Luke sighed. "You don't have to do that."

"Were you planning to go to a hotel anyway, then?"

"No. But we can."

"He's better off here. It's not his home, but he's comfortable here. Normally that wouldn't matter, but –but this time I –I think it does."

"Ella, I would feel terrible, putting you out of your own place."

"No need. My dad's been bugging me to spend some time with him anyway. It's really no problem, Luke."

"Is there any use arguing with you, or are you like my nephew in that regard?"

"We're best friends for a lot of reasons, of which that is one. How far off are you?"

"About an hour, I just stopped off to get some gas –and so that I could give you a call."

"Perfect. Let me call Jess and make sure he'll be at Truncheon for at least that long. Then I'll call my dad and call you back."

"I hope Jess knows what a lucky bastard he is," Luke chuckled.

"He does. I promise," Ella smiled.

* * *

"Luke? What the hell are you doing here?" Jess asked severely when he got to Ella's and saw his uncle. He eyed his friend. "What'd she do?"

"This wonderful woman lets you crash with her for over a week and you think my being here is her doing? If she was going to try to have you committed she would've called me days ago," Luke said.

"Jess," Ella said quietly, wheeling over to him and taking his hands, "he's here because he's worried about you. He doesn't mean any harm. He's on your side, just like me. Your uncle –he just wants to talk to you, be with you, make sure you're going okay. That's all."

"I don't want to go home yet –El, I can't –I can't go home yet. I'm not ready. I know you're probably sick of me, but –but I can't go back there yet," Jess whispered frantically.

"I know. That's why I told Luke you guys can stay here for the weekend. I'm going to go spend time with my dad. He's been all over me to stay with him for a few days for ages now, he was thrilled when I called him and said 'How about you pick me up today and I stay till Sunday?' And for the record –not sick of you, not even close," Ella smiled at Jess reassuringly. "You might be able to open up to Luke in ways that you haven't been able to with me yet. He knows a thing or two about what you're going through," she said knowingly. "Look, if it's terrible and painful and too much to bear, call me and I'll come home early, okay? It'll be like _Three's Company_ –I'll even pretend to be a lesbian to 'legitimize' our living arrangement until Luke leaves."

Jess couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the picture Ella had just painted.

"Let Luke take the spare bedroom; you can take my room."

"Are you sure that's okay –me sleeping in your bed?"

"Of course. Just don't sleep in the nude –and promise me if you feel the overwhelming need to jerk off, you'll wash the sheets and put clean ones on in their place," Ella winked. "It might be the only opportunity I have to get you in my bed. I'd be a fool not to let it happen –even if I won't be here," she quipped with wicked sarcasm. "Seriously –if you'd rather arrange it so that one of you sleeps on the couch that's fine, but I have two perfectly comfortable beds."

Jess felt a genuine smile dance across his crooked lips. "You're the best friend I've ever…" he stopped short and took a deep breath, "what would I do without you?"

"Luckily for you, you won't ever have to know," Ella whispered. "Luke just wants to help. Don't be afraid to let him in Jess, even to let him see the scary bits. I know you love me, but he may be able to help you in ways that I –that I can't. He might surprise you. You might surprise yourself."

* * *

Ella's dad arrived half an hour later. She told Jess to use her lockbox key if he and Luke wanted or needed to go out at all. Ten minutes after her dad had arrived, she was gone.

Just like that, Jess and Luke were alone. They had the whole weekend to navigate Jess' murky emotions –his anger, his grief, his confusion, his pain. None of it would be fun. Jess had no idea if Luke being here would accomplish anything, but one port in a storm this monumental is never enough. Ella was all he ever needed most of the time, but every once and a while even her unwavering support wasn't enough; Jess was glad she could have a break.

Luke knew about heartache and loss –at the hands of a Gilmore girl, no less. Maybe his uncle was exactly what Jess needed right now. Luke had shown up at the _exact_ right moment when seeing his uncle – _attempting_ to talk to him about what he was feeling and going through- could actually help Jess rather than anger him and send him spiralling even further downward. There was no real way Luke could know how uncanny his timing was –but then again, maybe he did.

"How're you holding up, Jess?" Luke asked gently and sincerely the next morning as he cooked breakfast. "Really. This is a lot to have to deal with in secret as long as you did. It takes a very strong person to step up the way you did –with Logan- for Rory, with her pregnancy and then for you to find the courage, the day Hannah was born to come to the hospital and shatter –"

"Some things are bigger –more important than a secret or a long-standing, totally juvenile feud between me and…" Jess trailed off quietly, staring at his hands, refusing to meet Luke's eyes.

"I can't imagine how hard it must be for you right now, knowing that you're not Hannah's –look, it might sound trite and stupid and meaningless, but –I'm very proud of you, for everything you did for Rory that none of us knew about. Many men who believe themselves to be better, more compassionate and understanding people than you would've probably gained as much distance as they could without looking back. But you stayed. You protected her, you and Logan both. You're a much greater man –a stronger man- than you think you are. None of this is right, I know you're heartbroken and there's nothing to be done or said to fix it. But that's the silver lining I see. You are a good man, Jess.

"Remember what I told you ay at the hospital that day? You may be Liz's son, but you are _my_ nephew. You're _my_ nephew, Jess Mariano –and the way you've handled this whole thing –idiotic mistakes aside –I couldn't be prouder. I know it hurts and I'm so sorry for that but –I _could not_ be prouder of you; do you understand me?" Luke whispered thickly, blinking moisture away from his eyes.

Jess continued to stare into his lap. "I just –I really thought she was mine, you know?" he said quietly, his voice breaking. "I didn't even think I wanted –I didn't know how much I really wanted her to be mine –maybe all along- until I found out she wasn't," Jess admitted, quietly sobbing and beginning to tremble as he spoke. "How fucked up is that? To not know, in your heart and soul that you really do want something – _a baby_ , imperfect circumstance be damned- until it's taken away from you –until you're told that the thing you want most doesn't belong to you. It's through the realization that it –she- doesn't belong to you, that you recognize how happy she would've made you and how, slowly but surely, you really did want her all along."

"Jess –do you have feelings for Rory?" Luke asked carefully.

"No, I –not like that. When we slept together, it wasn't because one of us was carrying a torch. But I do _feel_ for her. I always have, even if we weren't –even when we're not –I always will. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah. More than you think, actually."

"It's like she's a part of me. Like no matter what happens in our lives we'll always be –if we hadn't seen each other in twenty years and I were to turn the corner one day when I was an old man and see her standing there, I wouldn't be surprised. She's Rory. She's –with me. I'm –I'm with her. You know?"

"I really do," Luke whispered.

"I was so mad at her," Jess chuckled bitterly. "I was so mad at her for getting pregnant. She wasn't going to tell Logan and I –I tore a strip off her for it. We were stupid –we decided not to tell anyone I was involved until we knew if –that was a bad plan. Me and Logan, we –you know I actually respect him now? Like, genuinely? Hell must be real cold these days.

"The whole time, I couldn't figure out what I wanted. Ella kept asking me every once and a while, if I'd figured anything out and my answer was always no. Always. Even at the hospital while Rory was in labour –"

"Wait –Ella was there that day?" Luke asked.

"Yeah, she was with me in the car when I got the call from Rory; she said I didn't have time to take her home first. She stayed in the lobby and worked. No one knew she was there, she said that was fine with her. She was there. The whole time."

"She's a saint."

"I told her the same thing. Anyway I –slowly, I guess I was coming around to the idea. It wouldn't have been the best way to become a dad, but –I mean I knew, that way lays a thorny path in terms of me and Rory figuring out what the hell we are to each other, but I… I got to love that baby, Luke. Rory and I would've figured it out. I _felt_ like Hannah's dad. But I'm not," Jess said, sucking in a sharp breath. "I can't go back to when Rory and I barely spoke, went four years without seeing each other. That's impossible now. I was almost Hannah's father! I felt like I _was_! Rory made a lot of questionable choices that sucked, but she never found out paternity before –and that means I –"

"You got attached."

"Yeah. It would be so much easier to just go, 'Well, she's not my kid so it's not my problem. I'll see her whenever I happen to be in Stars Hollow and that's it.' I wish I could do that. It's not just about Hannah, either –Rory and I have been through so much and with _what_ we've gone through, I can't go back. If it was just Rory, maybe I could find a way to go back to being the guy who was part of her life, but not really part of her life.

"But I can't, Luke –I can't –I love that little girl too much. She's not just –Rory, by not finding out paternity before –I don't even know if she could've, but she didn't, so I –I fell in love with her goddamn kid! I know I'm not her dad, but I still _feel_ like I am. God, it's only been what –a week? Not seeing that baby, it –it feels like I lost an arm, or worse –a torso. She's my –she's my Hannah Banana, and I love her so much," Jess cried, wiping his eyes angrily. "And do you have any idea what it's like to love someone so much, but seeing them, being with them would just kill you, so you can't –you love them, but you have to stay away? Do you have any idea what that does to a person?"

"Remember who you're talking to…"

"Right. Of course."

"Jess, I can't imagine –I know how I feel about Rory. I know I'm not her father, but I love her like I am. I know what it's like, to love someone so much that they feel like they're your blood, but they're not. Just because she's not yours, it doesn't diminish how much you love Hannah."

"I know. And I'm aware you know a bit of what this is. But Luke, the way you love Rory –that was never tainted by the fact that she almost belonged to you. You never had to learn how to love someone that was almost yours and then wasn't. You were never almost Rory's biological father. You don't have to look into her eyes and wonder what might've been, if those eyes were eyes she got from you. The mountain you had to climb and the one I'm struggling to survive –they're different."

"I know. It sounds like a load of shit, but –Jess, all I can tell you is that I know you and if you love Hannah enough to want to be a real constant in her life, you will. I know you will. I don't know when –but eventually, it won't hurt as much as it does right now –the pain will start lessening and other, better things will take its place. It'll be a hard, long journey, but it will happen," Luke said softly. "Whatever you decide –whatever path you choose, I'll support it and so will Ella. Even Rory –it may not seem like it right now and she might not exactly act like it, but she understands too."

"How is she –Rory, I mean?" Jess asked.

"She's –going through a lot, you know that. It's a struggle. But she's not alone. She'll get through it."

"And Logan –has he –he hasn't fucked off, has he?"

"Not yet," Luke muttered under his breath. "He seems all in and I gotta give him credit for that. But he's –I never assume anything. I don't know that there'll ever be a day when I can trust him as far as I can throw him."

"Fair enough. I certainly know that feeling," Jess smirked.

"Jess, listen to me. You'll do the right thing –whatever that is. Whatever the right thing is for you, that's what you'll do. You won't hurt anyone else while you do that. You'll make sure you don't. This isn't easy. This kind of thing is –figuring out what the 'right thing' is doesn't happen easily, or quickly. And sometimes what's right for right now doesn't have to be what's right later; or what's right for later or long-term _can't_ be right in the immediate short-term, and that's okay. Not everything is linear. It's okay to make it up as you go. It's okay to throw out the roadmap, if you know it doesn't help.

"I told you before –I meant what I said at the hospital that day. You are _my_ nephew and I have faith in you. I know you'll do what's right –whatever that is. However long it takes you to figure that out, that's okay. It's gonna hurt, it's gonna suck sometimes –but you'll be the one left standing.

"You love Hannah and you want to be part of her life, so you _will_ figure out how to do that. Eventually, the pain won't overwhelm everything and you'll figure out how. But give yourself time –as much time as you need. If you rush it, things will be infinitely worse. It's not a race. I promise –whenever you're ready, Hannah will be there and happy to have you. But don't insert yourself in her life before you're ready –that way is sure to spell resentment and boiling blood. Hannah can wait –she will wait. Even now, this early, I'm sure she knows you're worth it."

Jess smirked sadly. "This is all just so much. This really isn't how I thought my life was gonna go."

"People's lives rarely go how they think they will. Life doesn't give a shit what you want –what your plans are. It does what it wants. Life is the card dealer at the poker game –you're going to get whatever it gives you," Luke said sagely. "But you know what is up to you? You can't do anything about the hand you're dealt –but how you play it –how you play it is _all_ you. The hand you're dealt only gains meaning based on what you do with it. You may not feel like it right now –but you know how to take a crappy hand and transform it into something better. You know how to play the game, Jess."


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. HEY! NOT DEAD! Sorry about that. I really hope to avoid being silent for quite this long at any point in the future, but sadly I can't promise it as I have a lot going on. Bless your patient souls. I've missed you!

Ella returned to her apartment on Sunday evening. Luke was gone. Jess was sitting on her couch with his duffel bag at his feet. "Hey," she said slowly. "What's this?"

"I think it's time I went home," Jess said quietly.

"If you're not ready, you don't have to."

"I've been here for almost two weeks."

"I know. I don't mind."

"I know you don't. I'm okay, El –I mean, I'm not, but I'm better. I'll be okay. I can go home. I knew I couldn't just leave before you got back. I had to tell you –let you see I'm okay. I'm going home because it's time."

Ella searched Jess' dark eyes and saw sincerity in them –sincerity and gratitude. She smiled softly. "I've missed you, Mariano. I was beginning to think you'd gotten totally lost."

"Not totally," Jess whispered, getting up from the couch with his duffel bag in hand.

"I'm glad Luke was able to help you."

"You helped me first. You helped me more. I may be going home, but I still have a long way to go. You're not off the hook yet."

"Good. I hate feeling useless," Ella grinned.

"You'll never be useless," Jess said, closing the distance between them and smirking as he bent down to kiss her cheek. "I love you, little spitfire."

"I love you too, Groucho."

"The comedian? Really?"

"Shut up. I can't help it if the name 'Groucho' suits you to a tee. Just go with it, pun killer."

"Sorry. So I'll see you soon? Thai food and Whedon next weekend?"

"You sure do know how to treat a lady, Jess," Ella winked.

"Lady? Where?" Jess quipped.

"Get the hell out, before I run over your toes and crush them, smartass."

"Gone."

"Jess?" Ella held tight to his hand but said nothing more. After about five seconds, she smiled again when Jess held her gaze and smirked lopsidedly back at her. "Just making sure," she whispered. "Okay, get outta here."

"Stay outta trouble."

"But that's no fun!"

"Fine. Get into a little bit of trouble then," Jess winked as he walked out the door.

* * *

"Honestly Logan, who do you think you're fooling? Something has been going on with you for _months_."

"How'd you know –?"

"Not that I needed confirmation –but if I did, that response would've clinched it."

Logan sighed in exasperation.

"You should tell me _before_ Mom and Dad find out."

"Honour…"

"Logan…. I don't even know what this is, but I can tell that whatever it is you're hiding, it's bound to start World War Three whenever you decide to come up from the trenches."

"Trench warfare was a World War One thing."

"Yes. And our father is the Fuhrer. How's _that_ for mixed war analogies, huh?"

"Would you stop being so –"

"Are you really going to tell me it's not that bad? If it wasn't, I'd know what it was," Honour pointed out harshly.

Logan said nothing.

"Exactly as I thought. Does this have anything to do with why you broke up with Odette or why you're suddenly happy as a clam calling _Stamford_ home?"

"Honour… enough, okay?"

"Tell me before you tell them, Logan."

"Fine. But today's not that day."

"Tell her I say hi."

"I gotta go. I'll talk to you later," Logan sighed.

"Who was that?" Rory asked, rubbing her eyes.

"Honour. Was I talking too loud?"

"No."

"She says hi by the way."

"Who does?"

"My sister."

"Logan!" Rory yelled frantically. "She _knows_?!"

Logan shushed Rory, pressing a finger to his lips and pointing to Hannah's crib with his other hand. "She doesn't know what she knows," he whispered.

"What does that mean?"

"It means she can tell I'm hiding something from her and she knows I broke up with Odette and have since moved to Stamford. Aside from loosely connecting it to you because she knows you're here in Connecticut, she knows nothing."

"Are you sure? If she finds us out…"

"Would it really be so bad?"

"Is that supposed to be funny?"

"No. Quite the opposite, actually. Look, Ace –I understand your reluctance when it comes to Mitchum and Shira –hell, I'm with you on that. But it's Honour we're talking about here, not my parents. It's not the same thing."

"I'm not ready. We're not ready."

"Who's 'we'? Me and you? Or you and our daughter? You're okay with me talking to Finn about this, but not my sister? Are you serious?"

"I didn't want you talking to Finn either…"

"And just how much longer do you get to be the sympathetic figure with everyone worrying their pretty heads about you while I break my back keeping everything to myself, huh?" Logan asked sharply. "I know this is still new –but the cat's out of the bag, Rory. I'm Hannah's father; that's not a fact that's about to change, so I don't see why we're still acting like it can't be talked about –or more specifically why I can't talk about it with people who might not want to kill me for it. Have you considered once in the last two weeks that maybe I need someone to talk to about all this? I'm not about to turn my back on you, but it's time we started thinking of each other, instead of me killing myself thinking of you, Hannah and everything else before myself. Maybe I'm struggling with this just as much as you are. I'm doing a lot of worrying about you, but are you even slightly concerned for me and my feelings?"

"Logan, that's not fair," Rory tried to reason.

"Not _fair_? No, I'll tell you what's not fair Ace –treating me like I'm not even part of this equation. Like you'd be less surprised to wake up and find me gone. That's what's not fair. I know it was always you and your mom against the world. But it isn't just about the Gilmore girls this time. I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm sorry if that messes up your skewed vision of… whatever."

Hannah started to cry.

"You woke her," Rory said with narrowed eyes. "Thank you _so_ much."

"You wanted me gone anyway, right? I've worn out my welcome with you today, it seems. Pat yourself on the back. At least until tomorrow, you got your wish. I have to go do some work." Logan stood up and went over to Hannah, picking her up and rocking her softly in his arms until she calmed before kissing her head and laying her back down. "She's probably hungry."

"Logan, we're not done talking about this."

"Oh, is that what you think this was? No, this was you dictating to me exactly how you want everything to go. You. You, you, you. Don't kid yourself into thinking that you're concerned with anything but yourself."

"Fine. Just leave if that's what you want."

"It's not what I want. It's what you're making me do."

"So everything is my fault. I'm a terrible person? Great. Thanks."

"All of this is so much easier for you to do when you have a reason to be pissed at me, so I don't see why I should bother trying to convince you otherwise. Seems to me you've already made up your mind that I'm the terrible person here."

"You said you were gonna go, so I think you should go," Rory said angrily.

"Fine. See you tomorrow."

"Sure. Whatever."

"Snap out of it," Logan muttered under his breath as he left her room.

* * *

Lorelai marvelled at how much Rory was sleeping. She understood laziness and the exhaustion of motherhood _and_ what it was like when those two things combined, but whenever Rory wasn't doing something directly related to looking after Hannah, she was sleeping. There wasn't even any pretense with working on either one of the two newspapers she was normally consumed with. Only a week ago, Rory was spending at least two hours a day working on the papers; she was meeting Lane every few days. Now? Nothing. Was it really possible that Rory was getting _worse_?

Lorelai remembered when Dean had broken up with her; she kept telling Rory she needed to pause and let herself wallow –there was no shame in a good wallow, a good wallow actually helped to heal a broken heart. Rory would have none of it; she was busy waking up at six in the morning, making lists, moving furniture and refusing to 'be one of those girls.' She was downright chipper. But then she crashed. Lorelai came home to find her with a tub of ice cream in her lap. "I'm ready to wallow now," was all she'd said. Rory needed to get there on her own. Regardless of the power of suggestion, even when it came to letting herself feel the sting of heartbreak, no one could make Rory do anything.

Truthfully, no one _needed_ to make Rory do anything –suggest as many things to her as you like, even in her best interest and she'll still get there on her own. Hell, she only wanted to apply to one college –and that one college was _Harvard_. Lorelai and her grandparents had to convince her to deign to apply to Yale and Princeton –because you know, it was only logical to have backup options. Sure, she chose Yale in the end, but she got into Harvard. Even if she hadn't listened to her mom and Richard and Emily and she'd put all her eggs in the most competitive, prestigious and sought after basket and nowhere else, she would've gotten the coveted prize regardless of having no fallback. The only person who held Rory to the highest possible standards was Rory. Sure, her grandparents were beyond pleased to heap all of their dashed dreams of their daughter's successes straight onto their granddaughter; but truthfully, that was pure dumb luck for Emily and Richard –Rory always had her eyes on the top prize, long before the tradition of Friday night dinner started.

But when she was ready, she always said, "Okay, I'm ready now." Even when she was sad or she needed or support, she had to get to that place on her own, of being ready. Whether it was wallowing or asking for help, or conceding to several poor man's Ivy League colleges as a backup to the dream, even if she the backup became the dream –Rory always got there on her own. _Always._

Except for two things: what Rory was going through right now –dealing with what looked to be a formidable case of postpartum depression, wasn't like anything else she'd gone through and overcome up to this point. But more importantly, there _was_ an instance when Rory _didn't_ get there, or through it of her own volition by pulling up her own bootstraps. It was an instance that Lorelai never knew about –because why would Rory ever tell her?

A long time ago, Rory was dealing with an issue similar to this –though this was admittedly _much_ worse. She'd dropped out of Yale. Lorelai had refused to let her move home and just bum around the house, all college-dropout-like; she thought that this would be enough to make Rory realize that school was where she needed to be.

Needless to say, it didn't. Lorelai went to her parents and begged for their help. Emily and Richard allowed Rory to move into the pool house while she chipped away at her community service hours –undoubtedly thinking that once that whole situation was behind her, she'd return to Yale where she belonged. When she didn't, they moved her from the pool house to the main house. It was another passive aggressive tightening of the metaphorical noose, trying to control her more and drive her to going back to school, enticed by the freedom it offered from under her grandparents' thumb.

While all this was going on, Logan was just happy that his girlfriend had embraced the charmed life of laziness in all its potential and glory. She finally seemed to understand the lure of only acting smart and letting on that she was Ivy League educated when it suited her or could directly benefit her.

What no one knew was that before the prodigal daughter returned to Lorelai and Yale, when Lorelai asked Rory if she was absolutely this was what she wanted, Rory exclaimed "Yes!" and she'd listed all the ducks she'd already put in a row and mother and daughter embraced tearfully after that long separation –she first needed to be not-so-subtly knocked to her senses by someone who, unlike so many others around her, wasn't afraid to hurt her delicate Rory feelings. Jess.

Jess needed to be the one to open her eyes. "What are you doing?! Living at your grandparents' place, being in the DAR, no Yale...WHY did you drop out of Yale?! ... This isn't you. This –you going out with this jerk, with the Porsche- we made fun of guys like this," he'd spat at her.

Without Jess there to give her the tough love ass kicking he shot at her that night, she _probably_ would've found herself out of that slump, but who knows how much longer it would've taken or how much worse it could've gotten first. Almost everyone in Rory's life was passive aggressive to some degree –Lorelai, Emily, Luke, Logan, Lane –Lane was a supportive-to-a-fault best friend, not a tough love, I'm-going-to-tell-you-what-you-need-to-hear-instead-of-what-you-want-to-hear best friend.

Aside from Jess, there was only one other person who could cut through the bullshit and be tough as nails. Paris.

Paris and Jess were pretty much the only people who told Rory what she needed to hear, regardless of how harsh it was, without first avoiding the harsh truth like the plague. Between the two of them, Jess and Paris were possibly the only two people in Rory's life who knew how self-sufficient she definitely _was not_ sometimes.

Regardless of any circumstance that could be thought up, it would be impossible to make sure Paris was around to give Rory a good dose of tough love every single time Jess wasn't, or vice versa. Paris was running her own business, taking care of two kids and in the middle of a contentious –if not comically petty- divorce with Doyle. She probably figured with all the people in Stars Hollow who loved Rory, plus Logan –she was faring just fine. If she wasn't, she'd heard of such news and marched her ass back to that sorry town. As much as she loved Rory and always would, Paris Geller was a busy woman. She checked in once a week or so, but that was all. If someone expressed concern though, she'd up her game in a heartbeat –but no one did, and Rory masked a lot of what was really going on when they spoke.

So, Paris was unaware of the extent of the situation and Jess wasn't around.

Rightfully so, Jess couldn't be there to pick up the pieces of Rory or give her the loving ass kicking she needed in order to 'snap out of it'; he had to look after himself and he had to do that far away from Rory if he ever wanted to eventually learn how to be part of hers and Hannah's lives –which he wanted more than anything. Even if he could be around to dole out his unique Mariano wisdom and biting wit and see through all her defenses, even Jess was not enough to effectively help her with what would soon be diagnosed as postpartum depression all by himself.

Without Jess around to nudge Rory –not so lovingly- in the right direction, who knew how much worse the whole situation had the potential to become before it got better. The Yale crisis was averted. Rory's current slump and her depression now, though, were ten times worse and everyone was staring into the eye of an oncoming storm, still relying on the 'If we close our eyes, maybe it'll go away. If we blink hard enough she'll be able to tell us herself that she's ready, she wants help,' school of optimism.

It wasn't just Lorelai. Everyone noticed Rory was depressed; they knew something was wrong –they even knew it was probably more than simple 'baby blues'. But Logan, Lorelai, Luke and Lane expected Rory to be able to recognize that within herself and be aware enough of the problem to ask for help in solving it –and that's exactly what she couldn't do.

Emily might have had something more constructive to add, if she were close enough to be able to witness what was happening. But even still, her own experiences with talk therapy had been iffy at best when she tried going through it with Lorelai last year.

Lorelai kept going to therapy without Emily, but stopped when she found out that her therapist enjoyed acting and singing in amateur productions –which seemed an odd reason to ward off a therapist. It was hard to say what Lorelai's opinion of 'getting help' was.

Luke didn't seem to have an opinion on these things. He was all for therapy when he thought it was helping Lorelai, but he never pretended to understand how or why it could actually be effective. Buying those self-help books from Andrew in 2004 were his first and only venture into the murky waters of 'working on yourself' or attempting to find guidance to solve a problem. Once he'd figured it out and gotten what he needed from those books and tapes, he promptly got rid of them –never even looked at them again. He was a small-town guy, but he wasn't dumb. He knew something serious was going on with Rory; he understood that it was big enough that she might need help sorting it out. But who was he to assume what kind of help she might need, or to be the one to suggest it to her? He just figured he didn't know enough, and it wasn't his place.

* * *

Back in 2007, Rory sat on Lane's front porch with her, worried about leaving to follow the Obama campaign. Lane had gone inside for five minutes to talk to Zach and in that time, Rory had worked herself into a state, terrified about what she was getting into. She doubted herself –wondered if she could hack it.

"Rory, you're gonna do an amazing job, okay? You always do," Lane had assured her.

"See? I hate that," Rory sighed.

"What?"

"Everyone thinking I'm gonna do an amazing job all the time, like it's a given. It's not a given. What if I'm a terrible reporter?"

"Then you'll figure out how to get better. Rory, the reason why everybody knows you're gonna do an amazing job is because everybody knows _you_."

That was the problem right there. Everyone just assumed Rory would be fine –she always was. Everyone believed Rory would be okay –better than okay- just by virtue of the fact that she was Rory; she always figured things out and even if it took a while, she pretty much always landed on her feet. She had always held _herself_ to those impossibly high standards and been incredibly self-sufficient.

Even with everything that had gone on in the past year –pregnancy aside- Rory was slowly climbing out of a professional slump and managed to write and publish a memoir. She was running two small papers. It wasn't _exactly_ where she wanted to be but it was progress in the right direction at least.

Rory almost always persevered and came out ahead without anyone forcing her to do anything. Foolishly, everyone around her assumed that this instance was no different from so many of the others where she was able to find her footing with hardly anyone holding her hand.

But Rory wasn't Rory right now. She was categorically incapable of being as self-aware, independent and self-sufficient as everyone was waiting for her to be. And one of the only people who knew that Rory wasn't always an effective army of one wasn't there to dole out hard truths, or make everyone around her see what was right in front of them.

One big question remained: how long would ignorance continue being bliss? How much worse did things need to get before Lorelai, Luke and Logan understood that nothing would get better until they stopped being passive? When would they realize that waiting wasn't going to accomplish anything and that they had to actually _do_ something?


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's two thirty in the morning and I'm exhausted, but I don't like sitting on finished chapters. Besides... after a three week absence, I figure you deserved a quick turn around.

"… _Oh, and, of course, I have a meeting with the school psychologist," Rory said, almost casually._

" _Oh, uh… back up. I'm sorry. You –a meeting with who?" Lorelai asked in surprise._

" _I told you about this."_

_"_ _No, you did not."_ _  
_

_"_ _Every student who unexpectedly takes time off and wants to come back has to have a one-time meeting with the school psychologist."_ _  
_

_"_ _You did not tell me this."_ _  
_

_"_ _I did too."_ _  
_

_"_ _No you did not," Lorelai insisted, "because I would have remembered if you told me you had to have your head shrunk."_ _  
_

_"_ _It's just a formality," Rory explained. "They just want to make sure I'm stable and that everything's cool."_ _  
_

_"_ _I can't believe you're going to a therapist. You know they're totally gonna ask you about me."_ _  
_

_"_ _What?"_ _  
_

_"_ _They always want to ask about your mother. It's okay. Say whatever you want. But make sure you start with, 'My mother's very hot,'…" Lorelai winked._ _  
_

_Rory rolled her eyes. "_ _Yes, that won't seem at all disturbing to the doctor."_

* * *

"Rory!" Lorelai yelled, walking into the house to be greeted by Hannah's hysterical wailing. "Rory? Rory! How long has she been crying, Hun?" she asked, confused to find Rory sitting at the kitchen table with her back to her bedroom door, which was shut tightly.

"You just left her in there?" Luke asked.

"Babies need to learn how to cry it out," Rory answered mechanically.

"Sure, but not at seven weeks."

"You can never start too early."

Lorelai eyed Luke with concern and motioned for him to make himself scarce checking on the baby. "Hun," she said to Rory quietly, "how long has she been crying?"

"Since about ten this morning."

"But it's four-thirty in the afternoon."

"I know," Rory whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks. "She's only stopped long enough to be fed."

Lorelai sighed heavily –Hannah had been restless the night before, hard to put down and even harder to get off to sleep. It was something that was happening just enough to fray Rory's edges even more, which was the last thing she needed. It'd gotten bad enough in the last several days that Rory was forgetting to shower or even eat consistently. "Some babies are just colicy, kid," Lorelai said soothingly. "This –her crying all the time is not a reflection of what kind of mother you are."

"Yeah –I guess. But still, some babies hate their mothers and intuitively know they never should've been mothers in the first place," Rory muttered bitterly.

"Don't say that."

"Why not? It's true. I never hated kids, but I've never liked them, either. I was never supposed to be a mom and Hannah knows it. I'm useless to her. Worthless. I can't fix her. I can't make her stop crying because she knows she got jipped. She got the sour apple. Neither of her parents can quite handle the fact that they made her. No wonder she's crying so much. Do you think Steve and Kwan want a sister?" Rory asked, crying desperately.

"Rory, I think we should see if we can get in to see Dr. Stevenson."

"Why?"

"Because, I think…" Lorelai said slowly, "I think maybe you should talk to someone about all of this. She'll be able to refer you to someone."

"Oh, so I'm crazy now?!"

"No! No, of course not. But all of this has been a lot on you… getting pregnant, the dad-drama stuff and now being a new mom, it's a lot. I started noticing you were struggling a while back, but I guess I was just hoping you'd bounce back or find your own way out, or at least tell me you thought you couldn't do it alone. I probably should have brought this up –started helping you weeks ago. I'm sorry I didn't, Rory."

"You were in therapy –you quit because your shrink enjoyed singing and dancing. Are you really going to try to extol the benefits of talk-therapy and expect me to believe you?" Rory asked sharply.

Lorelai sighed. She deserved that. "Rory, I think you might be legitimately depressed. As in postpartum. I think it started while you were still pregnant –I know it did. You didn't plan –or even want- any of this, much less the way it came about or all the complicated circumstances of it… this has been festering for a while. It's clear that hoping it'll get better on its own isn't realistic plan. The reasons I was in therapy, or why I left, that's –it's not the same. You're overwhelmed and frazzled and Hannah won't stop crying –but despite the fact that she's screaming her head off and you're at your wit's end, I know how much you love your daughter –I've seen how much you love her. It reminds me so much of when I was in your shoes and _you_ were _my_ baby; I was overwhelmed, but I loved you _so_ much; I couldn't believe that I was responsible for creating something so beautiful. You don't actually _want_ to give Hannah away to Lane. I know you don't. Hun, listen to me –it's nothing to be ashamed of; it doesn't mean you don't love your daughter. The silver lining in all this is that you've never done anything to harm yourself or Hannah –"

"Oh my God! Of course I wouldn't! How can you even say that? I would never –"

"I know."

"I love her. I swear I do. More than anything."

"I know you do. That's exactly what I'm saying. Rory," Lorelai said slowly and quietly, staring at her daughter with concerned eyes, "you don't want this getting worse –to the point where you run the risk of doing Hannah or yourself harm, even unintentionally. You can't let it get _that_ bad. But this is not a thing that wallowing or zoning out for a while can heal. You're contemplating allowing your best friend to _adopt_ your daughter because you're so overwhelmed –and not as a joke either. Postpartum is a real thing. If that really _is_ what's going on here, no amount of pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps is gonna make it better –you'd never even get to the _trying_ to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It's a vicious cycle, Rory. People can't just snap out of it on their own. I'm sorry that I expected that of you for so long."

Rory looked at Lorelai with sad –almost frantic- eyes as tears continued to fall. She couldn't catch her breath for crying. "How could I be such a failure, Mommy? How could I not be good enough for Hannah? Why can't I be the mother she deserves?" she asked in a small, defeated voice.

"Oh Hun, you're not a failure. And you most certainly _are_ good enough for Hannah. She's got the best mom ever. But her mom is overwhelmed; her mom needs help –probably her dad too. There's no shame in that, Rory. You certainly didn't have a… typical pregnancy experience. It's okay that you need help sorting out your feelings about all of it. It doesn't mean you love Hannah less –if anything you love her more, because you're willing to put in the work to be the best mom you can be for her, despite everything you're feeling –same goes for Logan. If you're feeling this overwhelmed, I imagine he is too."

"Yeah, I guess he is too –a lot, especially after we fought yesterday…"

"What'd you fight about? Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No. Not right now, if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay."

"So…" Rory said quietly, trailing off as she stared at her hands. She realized that it was eerily and conspicuously silent; Luke must've calmed Hannah down. Jess was right, Hannah really was soothed by being in a man's arms; this thought made her sigh sadly. She wished she knew how Jess was doing; it stung to be fairly positive that he was still a long way from okay.

"So what do you think? Can I make that phone call?" Lorelai asked gently.

"Yeah, I think it's not a bad idea –I guess," she replied flatly. "I'll tell Logan. he should be by later but I –I dunno. I haven't talked to him since he stormed out last night. If I really do have this postpartum depression thing, considering the circumstances of my pregnancy and subsequent motherhood, whoever I talk to will want to talk to him too –at some point, what with the who's-your-daddy-drama and all. But, like I said –we fought, and I was the more unreasonable of the two of us and he got fed up and stormed out. He said 'See you tomorrow,' pretty gruffly before he left and 'tomorrow' is now today and I still haven't even heard from him, much less seen him, so…"

"Well, he's probably just wrapping up his work day now. I'm sure he'll be by later this evening. Even if he's mad at you, Hannah's his daughter and he loves her. I doubt that being mad at you over one fight the two of you had would be enough to keep him away from his daughter for more than a day. I mean –I don't know what you fought about, but I seriously doubt it was severe enough that he'd pull a Harry Houdini on his infant daughter. Don't worry –mark my words, he'll come by tonight when his day is done."

"I hope so."

"He will."

"Go ahead and make the call, Mom," Rory said weakly.

Lorelai could see that Rory was unconvinced, but she offered her daughter a reassuring smile.

Luke came out of Rory's room holding Hannah in his arms. "She's drifting off. I'll grab a bottle –me and Lorelai can look after her upstairs for a while so that you can have some quiet. How's that? Okay?" he asked Rory.

"Sure. Thanks Luke," Rory whispered. She disappeared into her bedroom without even looking in Hannah's direction.

"This is bad," Lorelai sighed.

"How bad?" Luke asked.

"Bad enough that we should've stepped in to help her sooner."

"Well, we'll help her now. What are you gonna do? I heard you say something about calling a doctor?"

"Her gynecologist, Dr. Stevenson. Hopefully she'll be able to refer Rory to a therapist who specializes in postpartum stuff."

"Therapy? Will that work?"

"I don't know how much, but I do know without it –if we do nothing, this won't get better. It'll get worse. It could get dangerous."

"Did this happen to you when Rory was a baby?"

"I was sixteen, alone, I left my parents and was on my own with nothing. I was terrified more than anything. I'm sure there was some depression mixed in there somewhere, but nothing like what's happening with Rory. I was scared and my fear drove me, made me determined to find a way to make my own life, no matter where I had to start. My fear motivated me instead of paralyzing me. Luckily, I stumbled upon a picturesque little town full of amazing people. I never had to look back," Lorelai smiled, kissing Luke's lips softly. "Look at you, mister 'I don't do jam hands,' you're a natural."

"Jess told me a few weeks ago –before any of this- he said Hannah definitely preferred men. He said it was like a light switch. He took her from Rory and she instantly calmed. I thought he was full of it, but I guess he wasn't. I don't know if it's every man she does this with or just –"

"Tall, dark, handsome, gold-hearted curmudgeons who happen to hail from the same family tree?"

Luke smirked awkwardly.

"How is Jess?" Lorelai whispered as they headed upstairs.

"He's… he'll be okay, eventually. He's getting there. But it's tough on him. I have no idea when we'll see him around here again," Luke said quietly.

"He needs to look after himself. He can't do anything to help Rory, not really. He can't fix this; he's part of why Rory's feeling the way that she is –he's part of the minefield in her brain. It's good that he's looking after himself –away from here. He'll come around when he's ready. I'm glad he's moving in the right direction, though. It must mean a lot to him that you went out there last weekend. You're a good uncle, Luke Danes. In spite of yourself –and Jess fighting you every chance he got- he's a good man; a pretty great one, actually. You did right by him –you really did."

"Yeah, I guess I did."

* * *

Logan didn't go back to Rory's house until two full days after they fought. He was still mad; if he had his druthers, he would've stayed away longer, but he missed Hannah.

"You picked a hell of a time to stay away for two days," Lorelai said as she opened the door for him.

"We fought. She was unreasonable. I was mad. I _am_ mad. It's been two days, not two weeks. I called, we've talked on the phone," Logan said defensively. "Do you really think she's incapable of being unfair and downright mean and selfish?"

"No, on the contrary, I know she's capable of it. I'm just saying. Stuff has happened."

"In two days? What stuff? Is Hannah okay?"

"She's fine."

"Rory?"

"Logan," Lorelai said, gesturing for him to step back outside so they could speak on the porch, "Luke and I came home yesterday to find her sitting in the kitchen. She'd shut her bedroom door tight and left Hannah in there crying."

"What?" Logan gasped. "How could she –"

"Hannah was fine, just colicy. I guess she'd been crying non-stop all day. Rory was so frazzled. She was just staring blankly ahead of her when Luke and I found her. She said babies needed to learn to 'cry it out.' When I started talking to her she completely lost it –talking about how Hannah knew she got a dud for a mom, because some women were never meant to be mothers. She even wondered out loud if Lane's boys wanted a sister…"

"Oh my God…"

"Remember last week, you told me you thought Rory was really depressed?"

Logan nodded.

"I think it's more than that," Lorelai sighed. "We shouldn't have just been waiting around for her to say something to us. That was never gonna happen. We should have done something sooner."

"What do you mean we should have done something sooner? You've done something? What'd you do?" Logan asked.

"I called her gynecologist. We're going in on Thursday to talk about a referral to a psychiatrist. You should be there."

"Yeah, of course. But –a psychiatrist? What for?"

"I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but my money's on postpartum depression," Lorelai answered.

"Jesus," Logan ran a hand through his blond hair and blinked hard. "Whenever anyone in my family goes to a shrink, it's treated with the same seriousness as a haircut. My mother's popping pills like candy based on whatever the newest 'thing' is in mental health. Her doctor isn't so much a doctor as a dealer. Underneath it all somewhere she _does_ have a severe inferiority complex, which my dad has beat into her with pride over the years. She's the consummate trophy wife. I think she has a therapist more because it's hip than because she actually needs one. My family approaches therapy the same way they do purchasing a Porsche –a drop in the pan, no big deal."

"Well, this certainly _is_ a big deal."

"I know."

"A Porsche would be in this household too, but that's beside the point."

"I'm sorry I was scarce for a few days. I shouldn't have been… I should have been here, even if Rory and I were fighting."

"You needed a tiny bit of space. It's allowed. You're here now, that's what matters. Hey, Logan? If I can ask, what did you fight about? If it's too personal and none of my business, you can totally say so."

Logan chuckled softly. "It's okay Lorelai. My sister called the other day when I was here. She knows something's going on with me, but I haven't told her about any of this. She's starting to put the pieces together –she knows I broke up with Odette and that I'm living in Stamford; she knows Rory's in the area. She told me whatever's going on with me, I should tell her before I tell our parents –and she's right, I should. Rory woke up and when she found out I'd been talking to Honour and that Honour said to say hi, she freaked –she was terrified that we'd been found out. I asked her if it would really be so bad if Honour knew about Hannah and Rory lost it. She doesn't want me talking to Honour about it. She's still pissed that I told Finn a few weeks ago. I guess I just need some allies of my own, you know? Rory has all of you –and so do I, I guess- but I just –"

"This is big for you too. You need your own support system, that's just yours. I get it."

"I know it's barely been two weeks and all this is still really new, but…"

"You have to start telling people sometime. It wasn't unreasonable for you to bring it up."

"Well, Rory sure thought it was."

"Rory's not herself right now," Lorelai said.

"Don't tell her I talked to you about the fight, okay?" Logan asked.

"Of course I won't."

"What time is the appointment on Thursday?"

"Ten."

"Okay. At the hospital?"

"Yeah, that's where Dr. Stevenson's office is. Rory will tell you about it."

"I wanted to ask you in case she doesn't. Okay. I should get in there –see how mad she still might be."

"I would guess not very," Lorelai smiled, "if for no other reason than that there's too many other things weighing on her mind."

"I wish that was a good thing," Logan sighed.

* * *

Rory was fidgety as she waited with Logan and Lorelai to be called into Dr. Stevenson's office.

"It's gonna be okay, Ace," Logan said quietly.

"That's easy for you to say –you're not the one who left our seven-week-old daughter alone in your bedroom to cry and then consider pawning her off on your best friend. I'm a fucking mess," Rory sighed quietly.

"Well, that's why we're here. So you can get help fixing it. Women go through this a lot."

"Because you know that from all the experience you've had, witnessing women go through this a lot?"

"No, but I guarantee it's more common than the look on your face tells me you think it is."

"But must I rehash the events for you _again_? Logan, I –"

"Did nothing to hurt your daughter, Hun. Remember that," Lorelai said softly.

"Fancy meeting you here! It's my favourite ice-chip-pitcher-whipper!" a vaguely familiar voice said happily.

Rory blinked hard and forced her mind to focus. "Ch –Chelsea?"

"Yeah! It's good to see you! How are you? How's Hannah?" Chelsea asked.

"She's good. I'm good. We're good."

"Logan, right?" Chelsea asked, eying the man sitting next to Rory.

"Good call," Logan smiled. "I'm surprised you remember. And embarrassed –I can't say I'd remember your name so easily."

"As a rule, I tend not to forget patients that have a very unique mother –hi Lorelai!- and two strapping men at her beck and call when she's in labour. Speaking of, where's tall dark and handsome? Jess, right?"

"Yeah," Rory sighed. "He's –he's –" she struggled to speak over the instant lump in her throat.

"Busy today," Logan cut in. "He runs his own business all the way in Brooklyn and he's there by himself. He couldn't afford to close up shop for the day, so Rory only has me for a man servant today, sadly."

"That's too bad. Tell him I say hi when you see him, okay?"

Rory nodded mechanically and blinked away her tears. "What about you? How've you been? What's new?" she asked, desperate to change the subject.

Chelsea broke out into a beaming smile and held up her left hand. "Married!"

"Married? Wow –that's –who's the lucky guy?"

"Casey. You remember –the anesthesiologist?"

"Yeah, but not particularly well, I'm afraid."

"He wouldn't be offended. In his line of work, labouring moms routinely love him, but then hardly remember him –comes with the territory when you're job involves shooting massive and powerful drugs into pain-ridden women with a huge needle."

"It's true –I may not remember much about him, but I do remember that I liked him – _a lot!_ \- he made the pain stop," Rory smiled.

"His big needle's all mine now," Chelsea said with a wicked grin. "And I'll be the one woman who _never_ forgets him or stops loving him for that needle."

"Sounds like you two are a match made in heaven. But also…dirty!" Lorelai winked. "Now I remember why I liked you so much. Congratulations."

"I'm sure I don't want all of this explained to me," Logan laughed, "but yes, congratulations."

"Thanks. Dr. Stevenson will see you now, Rory. Logan and your mom can go in with you, if you'd like," Chelsea smiled.

"Yeah, I would," Rory stood and looked at Logan and her mom so they knew to follow her before looking back to her favourite labour and delivery nurse. "It's really good to see you again Chelsea. Congratulations to you and Casey. Please give him my best," she said, walking quickly down the hall.

* * *

Dr. Stevenson sat and listened patiently to all of Lorelai and Logan's concerns and then asked Rory how she was feeling physically, and how she felt that she was adjusting to motherhood. The doctor used prescribed questions to engage in conversation while subtly getting all the information she needed to work through a checklist in her head –a system that Rory would've been very impressed with, had she been feeling more like herself.

After what Rory thought was a disturbingly fast appointment, Dr. Stevenson recommended gently that she consider speaking to a psychiatrist. "It sounds to me like you're very overwhelmed, which is completely normal, Rory. But this isn't my area of expertise; I would like you to speak with a colleague of mine who I think can help you sort through some of the things you're feeling and experiencing," she said.

"Therapy isn't really, my –my thing," Rory said quietly.

"I think it could really help. Just let me make the referral, okay? You can decide for yourself if you want to continue once you speak to her a few times. The two of you can decide on the best course of action together –based on her professional opinion. But I strongly advise you not to decide against it out of hand, before giving it a try for a few sessions. If you do nothing, a lot of the negative emotions you're struggling with could intensify and that won't be good for any one here. Just go into it with an open mind, okay?"

"Okay, yeah. I guess that'd be all right."

"There's no shame in what you're going through Rory, or talking to someone about it. A lot of women deal with the same thing. If you do nothing, nothing will get better, right?"

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense."

"Good," Dr. Stevenson smiled. "My colleague Dr. Bowman is absolutely lovely, and very good at what she does. I'll make the referral today. She runs a small practice, so with any luck, you should be hearing from her office by the end of next week."


	29. Chapter 29

On Friday, August eleventh, Jess came home from a long day at Truncheon to find his tiny mailbox bursting at the seams. It was an odd sight in 2017, when so much was paperless. Upon opening the box, he saw that he didn't have lots of mail at all –just one large envelope that had been bent in order to haphazardly cram it into the tiny space. It took considerable force to pull it out of a place it was never meant to fit.

Jess' eyes immediately zoned in on the logo and business name in the upper left corner and he felt his heart sink into his stomach. He'd been doing so well the last few days. The last few weeks had been such a haze of grief and confusion that he'd totally forgotten that a step had been skipped that day, thus allowing _that day_ to come nearly a month early. His hand shook with sadness and anger as he read the return address and chuckled bitterly. The address for Paris Geller, M.D. at Dynasty Makers Surrogacy Clinic in Manhattan may as well have read, _Surprise! You're STILL not Hannah's dad. Sorry about that, New York, New York, 10012_.

"I feel like roasting marshmallows," Jess said, calling Ella from right there in his building's lobby.

"You… you –what?" Ella asked in surprise. "Hi, by the way."

"Didn't I say hi?"

"No you did not. You went straight to your strange desire to roast marshmallows on an eighty-five degree August afternoon. Do you even have marshmallows? Do you even like marshmallows?"

"As a rule, no. But melted marshmallows are amazing. Come on! It's Friday! We can make s'mores!"

"And then we'll give each other manicures and gossip about boys?"

"Well, no. I mean, you couldn't paint your own nails even if you wanted to."

"Hey! That's ableist, you asshole."

"No it's not, it's the truth," Jess laughed.

"Fine. Fair. But damn it! Now I want my nails painted!"

"I've known you for almost a decade and I've never once seen you wear nail polish. Do you even _have_ nail polish?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"I guess I could paint them for you if you _really_ wanted me to –"

"Seriously? Be careful what you offer to do for me Mariano, I may just make you," Ella laughed. "That sounds way too good to pass up. Care to tell me where, when and how you learned to paint nails?"

"Remember when Audrey broke her wrist that time?"

"Really?"

"Yes, really. And I _definitely_ won't be gossiping about boys. But you can."

"You're serious? You actually want to roast marshmallows… make s'mores?"

"Yeah, sure! Why not?"

"Because we've never done that. Neither of us even bake, for Christ's sake. Are we gonna sing campfire songs, too? What the hell has gotten into you?"

"I need to make a fire so that I can burn some papers," Jess said quietly, "but also, to make s'mores with you, because who doesn't like s'mores?"

Ella felt a wave of sadness and worry come over her. "What papers, Jess?" she asked carefully. "What papers do you need to burn?"

"You get three guesses and the first two don't count."

"Right. Well, I have chocolate, but I need graham crackers and marshmallows."

"I'll pick them up on my way over."

"Bring your overnight bag too. You're staying the weekend."

"El –that's really not –"

"Yes it most certainly is!" Ella insisted in an upbeat tone. "What fun are s'mores without a slumber party? Besides, you already agreed to paint my nails. S'mores, nail painting, gossiping… which will of course give way to emotional venting of deep dark secrets, as gossip always does… sure as hell sounds like a slumber party to me. Were all of this to happen _without_ a slumber party, I'm one hundred percent positive that would be a serious violation of the best friend code. We can do the whole thing over again tomorrow night –with some kind of Whedon-fest involved; _Firefly_ and _Serenity_ , _Dollhouse_ , his brilliant adaptation of _Much Ado About Nothing_ , perhaps? Win! No slumber party? No s'mores or roasted marshmallows of any kind, mister."

Jess chuckled, deciphering Ella's genius, not-so-subtle code. He knew what she was doing and why she was insisting on it and he loved her for that, more than she knew. "You're on, spitfire; and I vote for _Cabin In The Woods_. If you jump out of your skin I promise not to laugh too hard and catch you before you hit the floor," he said with a grin he knew she could hear. "I'll be there within the hour. I'll bring some alcohol with me, too. Grownup slumber parties require booze. Lots of booze."

"See? I told you this was going to be fun!"

* * *

"You know the last time I went to therapy it was all about you?" Rory mentioned quietly as Logan drove.

"What?" he asked.

"You remember –after the whole boat thing, when I went back to Yale they made me talk to a psychologist, to make sure I was stable…. in my right mind… whatever."

"All you talked about was me?"

"Well, no –not _all_. But the inciting incident that put me there…. everything circled back to you."

"I wish I could say I was flattered," Logan chuckled. "Are you nervous?"

"A little," Rory admitted.

"Just talk to her. It'll be hard, because you're going to need to talk about sensitive stuff, but remember you're in a safe place. She's there to help you. One step at a time, right?"

"Yeah. Logan… did you get the –? From Paris' office. I got one addressed to me, so that means you must have –"

"Yeah, I got it."

"Do you think Jess has –?"

"Probably."

"I still haven't heard a word from him," she said sadly.

"Ace –I'm sure he's okay. But this is a lot. It takes time to work through. He can't just turn his frown upside down. Look at everything you and I are having to navigate –his thing is different, but do you really think it's any less complicated and confusing for him? He'll come around. But Jess needs time –and space. It's only been a few weeks," Logan said gently.

"Yeah, I guess. I guess I'm just worried he'll be mad at me forever. Like –like he'll never forgive me for throwing such a huge wrench in his life."

"This is a perfect thing for you to talk about in therapy today. You know the first question you're going to be asked will be some variation of what brought you there. There's lots of stuff all wrapped up in one big mess –but if this is weighing on your mind right now, make sure you talk about it with her, okay?"

Rory nodded. "You know eventually you're gonna need to share too, right? I highly doubt the good doctor will hear about my circumstances and _not_ eventually want to speak to you too."

"I know. But for now, you're the focus. When it's my turn, I'll do what I need to do. How long is your appointment?"

"An hour and a half. But after today -if I keep going- they'll just be an hour each."

"This isn't the type of thing I recommend you quit after only one try. Your mom's picking you up, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Thanks, Logan," Rory smiled. "Really."

"No problem Ace," Logan grinned back, kissing her on the cheek before she got out of the car.

As soon as Rory disappeared inside the building, Logan sped off for the freeway.

* * *

Dr. Bowman's office was plain, but comfortable. The walls were painted a soothing shade of mauve and she had several heavy, mahogany bookcases filled with texts and reference materials. Her desk matched the bookcases –Rory noticed a framed picture of her dog and another one of what must have been her parents. The patients' couch was light grey. On the coffee table was a vase full of daisies.

"So, Rory," Dr. Bowman said with a friendly smile, "Dr. Stevenson tells me you're feeling overwhelmed at being a new mom –she says you have circumstances that lend themselves to feelings of acute stress."

"Acute stress?" Rory repeated.

"She didn't elaborate. That's why you're here to talk to me. Can you tell me a little bit about the circumstances of your pregnancy?"

"Uh, I don't know what you –"

"Was it planned?"

"Here we go, jumping right in again –what do therapists have against warming up to the hard-hitting questions?"

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. No. Definitely not. My pregnancy was about as _not_ planned as pregnancies can be."

"Okay then, let's start there."

Reluctantly and slowly, Rory recounted the basics of her affair with Logan over the two years prior to getting pregnant. Dr. Bowman never interrupted, only speaking to encourage her to continue whenever she stalled. When Rory came to the week that she slept with Jess and then was whisked to New Hampshire by Logan, she stopped completely.

"Rory?" Dr. Bowman asked. "Are you all right?"

"I… I'm sorry, this is –" Rory stopped short, tears welling up in her eyes.

Dr. Bowman picked a Kleenex box up off her desk and handed it to Rory. "It's okay, take your time. There are no wrong answers here, Rory. I'm not judging you. I'm here to help."

"I… I slept with someone else, too. My ex –my friend –my –I don't know what he is…"

"Okay…"

"I had sex with him _once_ , one morning, and then –and then the next day Logan showed up and he –he took me to New Hampshire on a whim and we –"

"You slept with him. It's okay; what did I tell you a minute ago? No judgment."

"Yes," Rory whispered. "I –I didn't know who Hannah's father was until after she was born."

Dr. Bowman took a deep breath; something told her this was the epicentre of this young woman's struggle. "Take a deep breath, Rory. In through your nose, out through your mouth… that's it, good. Okay, we'll ease into this and I want you to tell me if at any point it's too much, okay? But I want to spend the rest of our time today beginning to understand that dynamic. So, when you're ready, I want you to talk to me about that –having two potential fathers for your baby; being pregnant with that question looming."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Anything. Start wherever you want."

* * *

Logan broke all kinds of laws and made it to Brooklyn in record time. It was a miracle that he wasn't pulled over. He burst into Truncheon, sweating and out of breath –he just assumed that on a Monday afternoon, Jess would be at work; if he wasn't, Logan's secret errand was all for naught.

"Can I help you?" Greg asked quizzically. "Do I know you?"

"I was in here once, a while back," Logan panted.

"Do you want some water or something?"

"No… no, I'm good. But thank you. Is Jess here? I need to talk to him."

"He's in the basement, sorting through our stock and shipments. I'll get him."

"Actually… would you mind if I went down there?" Logan asked carefully. "The thing –that we need to talk about, it's –it's private and I'd rather talk to him where I know we won't be disturbed."

"Let me just tell Jess you're here," Greg said slowly. Before he sent some frantic guy to the stock room, he needed to know that Jess would actually talk to him.

"Sure. I'm Logan –tell him it's Logan."

"Okay. I'll be right back." Greg disappeared down the stairs toward the back of the main floor. "Hey," he said when he was coming up behind Jess.

Jess turned around and smirked. "Are you here to release me from my dungeon?"

"Not exactly. There's a guy upstairs… burst in here like he was trying to outrun a hurricane. Logan."

"Logan? What the –are you sure?"

Greg nodded. "He says he needs to talk to you and he'd rather do it down here where no one can interrupt –it's private – _this_ private, apparently," he said, gesturing to the dark basement brimming with books.

Jess' mind was racing, trying to figure out what the hell Logan would be doing there. He hadn't seen him since… if Jess said he had any interest in talking to him, it'd be a lie. But still, he must have had a reason for showing up. "Sure," he nodded finally. "Send him down."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, but you give us ten minutes and then you come down here with some fake work thing that needs my attention, got it? I don't want Logan here for any longer than he needs to be. If he can't tell me what's up in ten minutes, he's wasting his breath anyway."

"Got it. Jess –this is kinda –is everything okay? This guy's shown up twice in the last year, unannounced, needing to talk to you. And now you're going to talk in the basement…"

"Everything's fine, Greggers," Jess assured him. "Remember –ten minutes." He followed Greg to the foot of the basement stairs and waited –this better be good.

Logan walked down the stairs slowly, watching as Jess stared incredulously. "Hey," he said quietly. "Sorry, I know you weren't expecting me."

"Yeah, you really have to stop doing that," Jess sighed. "So, what do you want? Why'd you come all the way here and _request_ to talk to me under the cloak of a musty basement?"

"I got the official results –from Paris' clinic? Rory got them too so I'm assuming you –"

"Yeah, I got them –and I promptly went over to my best friend's apartment and we built a tiny fire and roasted marshmallows for s'mores. Good kindling, those papers were. What do you want, Logan?"

"I just –it's a lot, even for me and I'm –Rory's… dealing with her own stuff too and I just thought, if we're having a hard time, you _must_ be having a hard time…"

The point that Logan was stumbling around caught Jess off-guard. He assumed that Rory and Logan –despite having no shortage of shit to work through- had each other and Hannah, and that they were doing fine. "What do you mean, it's hard –and Rory's dealing with –what stuff?"

"She's… overwhelmed," Logan said carefully. "It's been hard for her."

"Is she okay? What about Hannah –is Hannah all right?"

"Hannah's fine. Rory's started talking to someone…"

"Talking to someone?"

"A therapist."

"Rory," Jess said in disbelief, "Rory's in therapy?"

Logan nodded.

"I don't understand –why are you telling me this? Isn't this news not yours to tell?"

"I'm telling you because Rory's in _therapy_ –for stuff surrounding being overwhelmed by motherhood. Do you really think the circumstances of her pregnancy and the fact that we were living in a _Maury Povich_ episode aren't going to be discussed –a lot? Sooner or later, that therapist is going to want to deal with all sides of this thing. That means you too."

"Look, if Rory's having a hard time, I'm glad she's getting help. But I'm done, Logan. I'm done putting her first. I want to be part of Hannah's life so badly –it kills me that I need to stay away until I work through my own shit, but I'll never be able to do that if it's still on me to somehow fix Rory's life on top of my own. I miss that baby so much, it physically hurts me."

"I know."

"You don't," Jess said sharply. "A part of me will always –Rory and I will be okay, eventually. We'll figure this out. But right now, I need to stay away. I can't deal with Rory right now –I can't be thrown into the middle of some shit that I'm killing myself to move on from. Listening to Rory apologize tearfully and stare at me with big, sad, Bambi eyes –I can't. She'll expect all to be forgiven and forgotten and for us to be what –bosom friends in a blink? I can't do that, Logan. I can't put Rory first right now –I can't do anything _for her_ right now."

"Then don't," Logan said simply. "When the time inevitably comes that the therapist suggests you come in, if you do show up, don't show up for Rory. Show up for yourself."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Look, you _must_ have feelings and grievances weighing heavily on you –a lot of them. I know I do, and my position is nothing like yours. So, if you do show up, let Rory do her thing –whatever she needs to say, just sit and let her say it, even if it makes you angrier, just –but then, use it –use where you are –use it as an opportunity to let all your crap out. Don't go to therapy _for_ Rory. Go for you; use it to get that shit off your chest."

Jess sighed and wondered if Logan was serious. He was making sense –a lot of sense. Jess hated that. "I know she's just a baby, but –is this –Rory's, whatever –is it affecting Hannah?" he asked quietly.

"Not really," Logan said slowly. "But it will, if Rory doesn't start getting better."

"Do I want to know what you mean by 'not really'?"

"Probably not."

"Rory and I aren't even speaking –yet. How will I even know when –? How do you even expect me to _magically_ know  _anything_  about the progression of her therapy?"

"I can call you; she probably would never have the nerve to anyway. I'm assuming that my name is gonna come up before yours, in the sense of making me part of a wider conversation. I can let you know –if that's okay."

"Yeah… sure. That'd –that'd be okay," Jess said haltingly. "If this really starts to affect Hannah badly –call me sooner if you have to… please."

"Okay," Logan agreed, "you have my word."

"It's really fucking weird that I actually _trust_ your word –I kinda liked it better when I didn't and you were just a dick –no offense."

"None taken," Logan grinned. "I should get going, I need to get to the office. They think I was with Rory until lunch and it's getting to be _after_ lunch."

"Good luck with that," Jess said.

"My car's really fast, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah… you're starting to sound like a dick again. If you ever drive like a fucking maniac like that when Hannah's in your car…"

"I would never."

"If you do, I'll kill you myself –slowly and painfully."

"I would expect nothing less," Logan chuckled, extending his hand.

"How the hell is this what our lives are?"

"I have no idea, man."

Jess shook Logan's outstretched hand. "Don't you dare hug me this time."

"Wouldn't dream of it. I'm really glad you're doing better, Jess."

"Sometimes it changes from one hour to the next. If you came here even just last week –I was a radically different guy."

"I hear that. I'll be talking to you soon, okay?"

"Yup."

Logan turned to leave.

"Hey, Logan, wait," Jess sighed, "Hannah, she's good?"

"She's better than good," Logan smiled. "You wanna see a picture?"

"No. I mean –I do. I _really_ do, but I just don't think it would help me right now, you know? It might make me go all –catatonic, and I kinda just got out of that phase."

"Okay. I get it. Whatever's best for you. You change your mind, though –just text me. I've got a bunch."

"I will, thanks."

"I'm sorry, you stopped me –was there something else you were going to say? About Hannah?"

"Oh –I –it's silly, but uh –can you just… give her a kiss for me? Tell her I'm sorry –for not being around. Promise her I won't be gone forever," Jess said sheepishly. He was suddenly very thankful that Truncheon's basement was only dimly lit.

"I've already been telling her that, but I'll make sure to tell her again when I see her tomorrow. I'll give her a kiss for you too, promise."

"Also, add this to the list of conversations that we are never to tell a soul that we _actually_  had."

"We're gonna be taking a lot of secret conversations to the grave, you and me. Thank God we've got good poker faces, huh?" Logan laughed. "I'll talk to you soon, Jess."


	30. Chapter 30

"So, you told Jess about your pregnancy before you told Logan?" Dr. Bowman asked.

"Yeah," Rory said.

"Any particular reason why?"

"Jess was –I'd asked him to edit my book, or for his publishing company to. I knew I couldn't hide it from him. I also knew he might question the math. Logan was in London –and engaged."

"And if Jess hadn't gotten mad and been the devil's advocate in strongly urging for full disclosure to Logan, would you ever have told him?"

"Most likely. Not sure when I would've gotten around to it though. But as it happened –I ended up calling him that same day that I told Jess."

"Interesting."

"What?" Rory asked.

"Well, while it is true that you and Logan were engaging in an affair –you cheating on your boyfriend and he on his fiancé- it seems clear to me that Logan is the man in this equation that you have real, _current_ romantic feelings for. You're clearly in love with each other. You were throughout your affair and _well before that_ even –and you are now, still. It seems to me that being in love might trump a bit of the shame you felt, because of your behaviour. Being pregnant with what was most likely the child of the man you did –and still do- love… it could go some way in cancelling out at least some the shame you felt. Couldn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess that's true."

"Jess on the other hand is an ex-boyfriend from your teens –arguably your most insignificant romantic relationship to date- and you'd both moved on fully from that by the time you slept together last fall. You'd even found a way to become good friends over the years, even if you never saw each other much. When you slept with Jess it was driven by need –more than just scratching an itch, you wanted to feel good when you felt nothing but despair- it was driven by need for both of you, but certainly not love –not the romantic kind anyway.

"You asked Jess if his publishing company would take on your book knowing full well that you were pregnant, and that the baby could be his –you must've known that when he found out he was bound to be angry, maybe even feel used. And yet, you waited over three months to tell him. And on top of that, you told him _before_ you told Logan. Given the anger and the feelings of being used that you probably knew Jess would express, it seems to me that _that_ would've been the harder conversation –the conversation that you'd have only _after_ you knew you had the man that you love in your corner."

"Well, I didn't… I didn't –I didn't know if Logan would actually be in my corner," Rory admitted quietly. "He was engaged and in all the time we were together before I got pregnant he never once hinted at the idea of leaving Odette to be with me. Even _while_ I was pregnant, he kept up the charade with Odette up until my last trimester."

"Do you feel like he needed the assurance that Hannah was his biological daughter before he would commit to you?"

"It felt like he did, yeah…"

"He may have broken up with Odette very close to when Hannah was born, but it was still weeks before Logan knew whether or not he was her father."

"I know, but –"

"Are you disappointed Rory –with who Hannah's father is?" Dr. Bowman asked carefully. "Do you actually wish it had been Jess?"

Rory unconsciously and unknowingly avoided the second part of the question completely, staying focused on the guy who _was_ Hannah's dad and how she felt about him, before discussing the matter of Jess. "No I –I'm really not. I really am in love with Logan, honestly," Rory said, her voice shaking. "I know based on this conversation –based on the information you're gleaning, it seems like I'm lying, right? I promise you, I'm not. I _am_ in love with Logan –even when we were carrying on behind everyone's backs, I couldn't help but imagine a future with him, Dr. Bowman. I wanted it more than anything –I _do_ want it.

"And I really am not –I'm not _in love_ with Jess, but I _do_ love him. A part of me always will –he's been a part of my life for so long, he feels like he's an essential part of me –like he's _with me_ , always. You know? But Jess and I –when we slept together, we weren't cheating on anyone. It wasn't dishonest, in any sense of the word. It happened because we both _needed_ it –for different reasons, probably, but… am I making any sense?"

"You are, actually," Dr. Bowman reassured her. "Even though you're not in love with Jess, you do love him. You feel bad for the position you put him in and for backing him into a corner with your book. And because you love him as you do, hurting him isn't easy, it weighs heavily on your mind, your heart, your soul. Telling him that Hannah is not his daughter was painful for both of you, because you never enjoy seeing someone you care about in pain –much less to be the cause of that pain.

"There _is_ a small part of you that wishes it could've gone the other way, maybe, I think; for any number of reasons why. Can you think of just _one_ possible reason?"

Rory hung her head. "I think so, but why don't you just tell me your best one."

"If Jess were Hannah's father, she wouldn't be the product of a dishonest and adulterous relationship."

"Yeah. That sounds about right. I mean, there's probably more to it than –but that pretty much sums it up I guess."

"But Logan's not with Odette anymore Rory, and you're not with Paul. The relationship you and Logan have isn't adulterous or illicit anymore, in any way."

"I know, but I just can't seem to reconcile how much I love Hannah with _how_ she came to be," Rory sighed sadly.

"This is all still very fresh and painful and confusing, so your emotions are completely normal –justified even. But Rory," Dr. Bowman said gently, leaning forward, to search out her patient's eyes, "in what was only our second session –do you remember what you told me last week when we were talking about how your situation is eerily similar to that which your own mother had with you? You told me about a fight your father's parents were having with your grandparents when you were sixteen. When your grandmother sought you out in the kitchen, what did she tell you?"

"She said, 'Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about disappointments tonight and I know you've heard a lot about it in the past too. But I want to make this very clear –you, young lady, your person and your existence have never, ever been –not even for a second- included in that list.'"

"Did you think she was right?"

"Yeah. As much as a sixteen-year-old kid could anyway –I _knew_ she was right. Doesn't mean I didn't doubt it sometimes –doesn't mean any arguments my mom, dad and their parents would have about it were any easier to hear," Rory said quietly.

"Fair enough. But I want you to remember your grandmother's words to you Rory; apply them to Hannah. As much as they were true then, they're still true now. The difference is that now, they're not _only_ true about you –they're true about your own daughter, too. The way Hannah came into the world may be shrouded in regrettable circumstances, but those regrettable circumstances have nothing to do with her existence and her person –both who she is now and who she'll grow to be," Dr. Bowman explained, with compassion in her voice. "My work with you –and eventually with Logan and even Jess included- has to revolve largely around helping you make the distinction between _how_ Hannah came to be and the love you have for her –being able to sever the ties between the former and the latter. We have to work together to help you remember your grandmother's words and how they apply to you _now_ ; how they're true of Hannah now, in the same way they were true of you. Not only must you realize the truth of your grandmother's statement, you have to realize _how_ true it really is and most importantly of all –this truth has to be something you believe in, take comfort in and learn to live by when it comes to your own daughter."

* * *

Logan sat quietly with Hannah, waiting for her to drift off to sleep. He read from the _Oliver Twist_ that Jess had bought for her before she was born –it really was the only story that seemed to calm her at bed and nap time.

Rory stood in the kitchen with her back to her bedroom as she rummaged in the fridge. The sound of Logan reading Jess' book to Hannah warmed her heart, but also broke it. Jess wasn't there, but he was at the same time. She hoped that soon, _Jess_ could be reading those words to her, that he'd so carefully picked out. Swallowing the lump in her throat, Rory tried to convince herself that Jess' absence was temporary –she tried to allow herself to be hopeful for his return soon, but it was hard. "Nothing to do with her existence or her person," she whispered to herself. "Hannah's the light… she's the light. She's the silver lining."

Rory's mantra was interrupted when she overheard Logan singing softly. It certainly _sounded_ like he was singing to an infant, but the words of his chosen song jarred against the childish lilt in his voice. The juxtaposition made Rory laugh. She shut the fridge and walked over to her bedroom, leaning against the doorframe and watching as Logan sung the most unconventional lullaby that ever there was.

"You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best. I've been gone for a month; I've been drunk since I left," Logan sang softly, rocking Hannah back and forth. "These so-called 'vacations' will soon be my death. I'm so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest." He looked up at Rory and smiled as she rolled her eyes, before looking back down at his daughter and continuing to sing. "We arrived in December and London was cold, we stayed in the bars along Charing Cross Road. We never saw nothin' but brass taps and oak, kept a shine on the bar with the sleeves of our coats. You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best. I've been gone for a week; I've been drunk since I left and these so-called 'vacations' will soon be my death. I'm so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home…"

Rory laughed as Logan whistled the song's flute melody, which sounded as though it could have been lifted right from an Irish dancing soundtrack. "This is hardly a song that's appropriate for your infant daughter," she chuckled.

Logan finished whistling and grinned back at her. "And if she wasn't my daughter, I'd really agree with you. But she _is_ my daughter, so instead, I ask you this –are you more surprised that this is my choice of lullaby or are you shocked and appalled that it actually works? Because I'd bet on the latter. Song's not done yet, Ace. I know you know the words…"

"No."

"Fine. Have it your way. But we're having way more fun than you," he winked, returning his gaze to Hannah. "Euston Station, the train journey north, in the buffet car we lurched back and forth. Past old crooked dykes, through Yorkshire's green fields, we were flung into dance as the train jigged and reeled. You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best. I've been gone for a week; I've been drunk since I left and these so-called 'vacations' will soon be my death. I'm so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home…"

"You know Spirit Of The West are a Canadian band, right?" Rory asked as Logan started whistling again. "They're not actually Irish, or English, or even European."

"Of course I know that, Ace. In fact, I was the one who first told _you_ that, back in the day. What –you think I forgot? Come on, sing… the next verse is about you anyway," he teased.

Rory shook her head and waited for him to continue.

"By the light of the moon, she'd drift through the streets. A rare old perfume so seductive and sweet. She'd tease us and flirt as the pubs all closed down, then walk us on home and deny us a round. You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best. I've been gone for a month; I've been drunk since I left and these so-called 'vacations' will soon be my death. I'm so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home…" Logan started whistling again, but markedly slower. "I'm out of breath Ace! I need your help! Please! Hannah needs some harmonizing to sleep!"

"You're embarrassing yourself Huntzberger," she giggled.

"I know! But I was shameless before! Do you really think becoming a dad is gonna make that impulse _go away_? Last chance, don't leave us hanging!" he pleaded, whistling the final notes of the flute melody for the last time.

Rory rolled her eyes once more and stomped over to Logan, swaying reluctantly in time with his off-key whistle. He smiled widely at her as they both took a breath to sing the final verse. _Little victories_ , he thought to himself. _For the last four-ish minutes at least, I made her smile._

Together they sang. "The gas heater's empty, it's damp as a tomb. The spirits we drank are now ghosts in the room. I'm knackered again, come on sleep –take me soon. And don't lift up my head till the twelve bells at noon. You'll have to excuse me, I'm not at my best. I've been gone for a month; I've been drunk since I left and these so-called vacations will soon be my death, I'm so sick from the drink, I need home for a rest. Take me home!"

* * *

"Hey Rory!" Greg said happily. "It's so great to hear from you! So, are you ready to get down to brass tacks, planning a small-scale literary takeover? Your sales haven't gone anywhere but up in the last few weeks. Matt and Chris have given Bry the go-ahead to order another thousand to go to print –"

"I'm sorry, did you just –did you just say –" Rory stammered breathlessly, "did you just say they're giving the go-ahead for another _thousand_ copies to go to print? Like, all at once? What happened to starting out modestly?"

"They've officially progressed from starting out modestly to being guardedly optimistic _as hell_. People are buying your book faster than we can get it printed. There's a backlog of a couple hundred orders right now. This is what they call a _huge_ small-scale success. People love you Rory, they really, really love you. And you haven't even done any in-person press yet! This is all from the recordings and social media blitzes you did before Hannah was born; just imagine how everything will skyrocket when you finally start getting out there to meet the readers!"

"Wow. This is amazing. I never thought it would resonate so much and so –so quickly! I mean I'm nowhere remotely close to being a _New York Times_ bestseller, I know that. But this is still pretty damn exciting!"

"We're already seeing residuals…"

"But it's only been like, just over two months!"

"I know. And even with Truncheon's cut, you won't exactly be living like a queen, but –Rory, you're a working author. You've started making actual money off not just an article, but a book – _your_ book. How does it feel?" Greg asked excitedly.

"It's amazing, it really is," Rory replied, happily giggling. She took a deep breath.

Greg sensed a shift in her demeanour. "What's up, Rory?"

"This is so hard –you can't begin to imagine how happy I am that the book is doing _so_ well. And I'm _so_ thankful for everything you've done to make it a reality. I really can't wait to get out there, meet my readers and reach an even wider audience…"

"But…"

"I know we've already postponed the tour and the last thing I want is to do that again. I don't want you thinking I don't care about what we're doing here, this amazing dream you've helped me make reality, but I just…." Rory sighed sadly.

"I know you care. What's going on, Rory? You can tell me, really," Greg said gently.

"I'm going through a really hard time right now. Ever since Hannah's been born –I'm so overwhelmed. I'm not quite myself –to be the mother my child needs, much less to be in the mindset to go on a book tour," Rory explained carefully, hoping he'd at least catch a bit of her drift, "I believe in this book with my heart and soul –you know I do. But I just –I'm so overwhelmed with becoming a mother, my focus has to be Hannah right now, and me. I need to get comfortable in my new normal as her mom and that's not a quick or easy adjustment."

Greg sighed sadly. "Oh man, Rory, if I've been pushing too much on you too fast –you should've said something. Of course I –we, Jess too- we understand. I'm so sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for," she assured him gently. "I was just don't want you to think I don't care –delay after delay. I do. I care about this more than anything."

"I know you do."

"I _want_ this book tour to happen, Greg. _Badly_ ," Rory promised. "But with everything –all of the major life changes that've happened in rapid succession over the last year of my life- I think it might be best if we delay the book tour until January, starting fresh with a new year. I know by then, I'll be able to put my heart into it like the book, tour and readers deserve. Do you think it would hurt the sales trends and the public's interest if we push it until January?" she asked nervously.

"I can't guarantee a zero probability of some type of fallout," Greg started to explain, "but based on the numbers we see the fact that they're continuing to trend up significantly from week to week, hopefully any downswing we experience will be minimal –according to what the data says.

"Rory, the most important thing for you at this point is that you do what you need to do for yourself and for your daughter. The wellbeing of you and your baby are paramount –they have to be paramount.

"You're proud as hell of this book you wrote –as well you should be, you've accomplished an amazing literary feat. You can't promote it when your heart and head aren't in it. Other authors, other books –that might not be the case –promoting with less than a full deck is no big deal and it might be something that authors have no say over. But not you. Not this book. We can record more Facebook live videos and chats, Twitter discussions where you interact live with your readers. It seems like you've got a lot on your mind, so it'd be no trouble to come out to Stars Hollow and help you set everything up to be able to do it independently of Truncheon. We can set a schedule of events, but there's no reason you couldn't do it from home."

"Really? That'd be okay? You'd –you'd do all that?" Rory asked.

"Sure, of course. As long as we keep the interaction with readers current and engaging –as long as they can see you haven't forgotten about them and aren't ignoring them, they _will_ wait. We're bound to lose a few, but the vast majority will wait. They already know what your book is about and that you have a child of your own now. If anyone is bound to understand, it's _your_ readers, readers of _your_ book. Let's give them lots of digitally live and interactive stimuli in the meantime, to keep them happy for the next four months or so. After that, I guarantee you'll knock their socks off," Greg smiled, before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.

"What was all that about?" Jess asked, poking his head in Greg's office. "I couldn't help but overhear –is everything okay? –a problem with one of our authors?"

"No," Greg assured him easily, nonchalantly. "No problem. That was Rory. I was just surprised –she asked if we could postpone her press junket until January. I guess she's –dealing with a lot –with all the dramatic changes in her life lately and she said she wouldn't feel right promoting her memoir if her heart wasn't in it because of being overwhelmed by all her life stuff."

"That makes sense. I mean, we can kick up the online promotion and social media plugs, keep scheduling live chats. As long as we stay on top of it digitally I'm not worried too much that waiting for the new year will have too much of an adverse effect," Jess said quietly, averting eye contact with Greg. "She's been through a lot; she deserves to take a few more months to let everything sink in if she needs the time. Frankly, if she didn't feel overwhelmed by all of it –enough to search for a tiny step back to breathe, I'd think there's something wrong with her," he smirked.

"I couldn't agree more, but it still seems kinda out of character for her. She sounded… flat on the phone; far away –metaphorically speaking. Is she all right? Should I be worried?"

"I haven't talked to her lately, she's had a lot of juggling to do and huge adjustments to make. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, Greggers. Given enough time, she'll bounce back. Luckily, we can pull the puppet strings to make sure that her passion project doesn't sink while she takes the time to work on herself," Jess said in a whisper, causing Greg to lean in close in order to hear him; Jess was not explaining this to Greg so much as he was speaking it to himself –for himself- speaking with the objective voice inside his own head.

* * *

"Logan, it's good to finally meet you," Dr. Bowman smiled. "Over the last few weeks I've heard a lot about you."

"Oh boy," Logan chuckled nervously.

Rory smiled at him with nerves of her own.

"May we just dive right in?" Dr. Bowman asked.

"Sure –I guess," Logan nodded.

"How are you adjusting to fatherhood? I understand the circumstances of your relationship with Rory and the experience of her pregnancy were quite unconventional. How are you feeling now that the dust is starting to settle?"

"Wow, you sure know how to load your questions, doc," Logan sighed. "I'm doing okay, all things considered. I love Hannah and I love Rory –I know the way all this started and came together was… but I'm here now. I want to be a family. I want to help Rory get better."

"These are all positive things, Logan. Talk a little about before you knew that you and Rory would become family. The two of you were involved in an affair for several years, if I understand correctly."

"Yeah. We were."

"You were engaged to someone else."

"I was."

"Rory tells me there was no discussion prior to her pregnancy that either of you were prepared to leave your respective relationships to be together. Is that correct?"

"More or less. We had a Vegas agreement."

"Had Rory ever expressed to you during her pregnancy that she was concerned –that either you'd only stay with her if Hannah was yours, or you'd leave her completely?"

"She was… unsure of how I felt about her, yeah," Logan admitted. "I skirted the topic pretty deftly, so it wasn't without reason."

"You stayed with your ex-fiancé even until the latter part of Rory's pregnancy, did you not?"

"Technically. I broke up with her well before…. I was going to, regardless."

"But what if I hadn't gotten pregnant, Logan?" Rory interjected. "Would I still be nothing but your mistress?"

"Likely not since you essentially broke up with me in New Hampshire," Logan answered her. "We've talked about this Ace. I can't tell you how everything would've worked out –or not- in an imaginary alternate future that never took place. Shoulda, woulda, coulda doesn't matter now. You can't get hung up on something that never happened."

"I think Rory might be searching for some validation, Logan," Dr. Bowman offered. "Validation that the situation you're in now –the love you so badly want to nurture and allow to blossom, is rooted in more than just the daughter you share together."

"Ace," Logan said, staring into Rory's eyes. "When I first met you _thirteen years ago_ I told you I wasn't the boyfriend type. That didn't stop me from being with you or falling in love with you, did it?"

"No," Rory said quietly.

"At the end of the day, say what you will about the issues we had then, I _did_ change for you, Rory. Happily –not just to be someone's boyfriend, but to be _your_ boyfriend."

"Yeah, you did."

"I know why you're asking. I get it. And I know all of this has been less than ideal, the why and how of how it came together. You're right to question it. But I still can't tell you what would've happened if it turned out differently. All I can do is tell you that this is where we are, and this is where I want to be. Not just with Hannah or because of her, but you, Ace. It always comes back to you. I don't know exactly how our lives will shake out, but I'm interested to see what happens –I want to be around for that, with you, working at our family, to see what the future has in store."

"Okay. For now –for now that's all I need, I guess. I'll try and remember…"

"Logan does make a valid point, in that it makes sense that you want assurances independent of you becoming pregnant and sharing a daughter, but that it's counterproductive to exhaust yourself trying to predict where you would be if certain realities were different. All that matters is the reality that _is_. I know, the fact that you were carrying on a dishonest affair when you became pregnant is a difficult reality for you to cope with, Rory," Dr. Bowman said gently. "I know, as I'm sure Logan does, that you struggle to separate the circumstances of Hannah's conception with the love you have for her now that she's here. That's something we'll continue to work away at over time. But for right now, I want you to focus on what _is_. You both share a daughter, whom you both love very much. No one can predict the future or rewrite the past; what's important is dealing with the present and right now, Logan is not only here in this appointment with you today, but he's supporting you in your process of healing and he's there for both you and your daughter. You need to take each day as it comes. And where your need for validation is concerned, try to let Logan's actions right now speak louder than his words; his actions may very well be a more effective communication tool that may be able to provide you with the reassurance you're seeking."

"Yeah. I will –I mean, I'll try," Rory whispered.

Dr. Bowman smiled. "Good. Now, I wonder if it might be helpful to –Logan, if you're comfortable, maybe you can share with Rory some of your thoughts and emotions that you felt when she told you that you were indeed Hannah's father? I understand it was likely overwhelming and confusing and scary –I encourage you to be candid about all of those things, but I'm assuming you were pleased with –?"

"Of course I was," Logan said slowly. "I mean yeah, I felt a lot of things, I still do, but –joy. Just, an overwhelming sense of joy."

"I think if you're able to convey some of that to Rory now, to provide her with a window into your mind and heart on that day, it might go some way in easing her anxieties and providing a sense of reassurance and calm that she's in need of. It's a good way to end today's session on a positive and hopeful note."


	31. Chapter 31

Two weeks into September, Jess' phone rang.

"Whoa, when did Logan stop being 'YALE YUPPIE'? When did he become plain old Logan?"

"A while ago."

"That's all I get? Seriously?" Ella asked. "Do you expect me to actually believe there _isn't_ a story there?"

"No. I'm asking you not to ask me what the story is… for now," Jess sighed. "Please?"

"If you need me to forget I even asked, that's an entirely different thing, mister. Are you going to answer that?"

"I'll call him tomorrow. I'm not asking you to forget you asked –just, put a pin in your line of questioning."

"Fine."

"So… wait… why am I here watching you rummage through your closet?"

"I need your help."

"With…"

"Picking an outfit," Ella said quietly.

"Okay… I know we spend a lot of time together, and you are my best friend and all that… but I'm a guy. Where's Margaret? Or Kim? Meaghan? Korinna? Elise? Literally _any one_ of your other close friends who are _far_ more qualified than me to help with this? I don't do your outfit picking."

"I don't want one of the girls' opinions. I want yours."

"Why?" Jess asked slowly.

"Because."

"I need more than 'because'."

"You asked me to drop my question. I did. So, you drop yours."

"No, no. See, my thing is a sensitive situation that you essentially already know everything about –therefore, me asking you to put your question _on hold_ is actually no big deal. You called me here at ten o'clock on a Thursday night so that I can watch you dig through your closet. I need to know why you need me here for this. My wardrobe consists of denim, leather and three colours –black, navy blue and dark green. What's more, I don't care. My thing is justified. Your thing is weird."

"That _really_ makes me want to tell you."

"El –you hesitated less when you told me I had to use your emergency key to come in here and pick you up off the floor."

"Fine. I have a date tomorrow. I wanna look good. I want a guy's opinion to be sure I'm giving off the right impression."

"In all the years I've known you, I've never known you to be frumpy. You've gone on dates. Had a few boyfriends even. You've never asked me to dress you before."

"Calling them boyfriends would be a stretch."

"Semantics. My point is, you're not a celibate nun –not in the least."

"Yeah, but I want _him_ to think I look good. That's entirely different from _me_ thinking I look good. Hence why I need your opinion. Jess –just help me, please? Unlike the majority of them, this guy might not be entirely batshit crazy," Ella said, blushing slightly.

"Your homing beacon for weirdos is pretty impressive," Jess agreed.

"I know. And I can always tell. Them being crazy is never a reflection on how I _dress._ "

"Of course it isn't."

"And I'm telling you –this guy's not. So help me, asshole."

"Fine. I'm guessing you want me to tell you what'll get you laid, but only if you want it to happen?"

"Jess!"

"My God, El –when did you get bashful and where was I when it happened? You wanna get laid and you actually like the guy. Where's the shame in that? PG you is no fun. You have more charm than you know what to do with –I strongly suggest you find it before tomorrow."

"He's a good guy, Jess. I don't want to mess this up."

"Then find your goddamn groove. I find you disturbing without it –I don't know where you lost it, but get it back. Unless you want to give off the wrong 'special girl' kinda vibe…"

Ella laughed in spite of herself.

"A few weeks ago, you were wearing a silver top. It's modest, which is counterbalanced by the fact that it's silver. I vote for that. It's fun. Glitzy. But you're not giving away the show for free. Jeans –dark blue or black. Comfortable. Casual, but also appropriate. Leather jacket. I refuse to help you pick shoes."

"Fair. But do you realize…wow. All that fight and you're actually good at this!"

"I know what he'll see. I'm the guy, remember? I know the difference between women being effortlessly sexy and trying too hard –the difference between women I'd go home with versus the ones I'd barely consider giving an awkward hug to. That's why you wanted my opinion in the first place, right? I've also seen you wear a lot of the stuff you have in there."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I'm gonna get going. Let me know how it goes. If you need me to threaten him, kick his ass or make sure he _doesn't_ come home with you, say the word."

"I will. Thanks," Ella smiled.

"One more thing. Admit it."

"Admit what?"

"You want him to pop your wheelie," Jess winked, running out of the room just as Ella picked up a pillow to whip at him.

* * *

Rory was fidgety in Dr. Bowman's office on that Thursday morning. She'd known this question –this topic- was coming, but still, she wasn't ready to face it the way her therapist wanted her to.

"Rory? Did you hear me?"

"Yeah –yes, yes, I –I heard you."

"And, what are your thoughts?"

"My thoughts?"

Dr. Bowman took a deep breath and smiled sympathetically at her patient. "You've made some great progress in the last few weeks. You and Logan are communicating better and you and I will continue to address the ongoing issues regarding your relationship with him –but you seem to be in a better place when it comes to him, at least a little. Aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am."

"We've been focused on Logan because he is Hannah's father and that's been paramount to address, but I think it's time we start talking about the other elephant in the room. You need to talk to me about Jess, Rory. It's clear to me that some of your struggles are rooted in the rift that's dividing you from him right now. We've been making good all-around progress, but you'll never fully heal if you don't acknowledge Jess' role in all of this, and how you _really_ feel about what transpired and how it all happened."

"I've already told you –I –we've already talked about it –we have been," Rory stammered.

"You've told me facts. Very little about how you're feeling –which is also pretty obvious, so I want you to really start opening up."

"I –he's –he's not talking to me. We haven't talked since –"

"And that upsets you?"

"Of course it does! I mean –I get why –I don't blame him."

"Rory, the fact that you were pregnant with a paternity question hanging over your head –the fact that for the first five weeks of your daughter's life there was this big question mark hanging over everything- it's a _huge_ part of what you're dealing with right now. You won't really, truly start to heal until you face it –if you don't, you'll keep slipping back."

"Face it? What do you mean, face it?" Rory asked.

"Jess probably has a lot of conflicting feelings that he needs to address too."

"Dr. Bowman –what _exactly_ are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I think you and Jess need to talk. I'd like you to talk here –with me. I'd like to have all three of you here. You, Logan and Jess. You all need to talk to each other and hear each other if –I think it's time, Rory," Dr. Bowman explained.

"He won't. I know him and he –he won't. Forget about 'will he pick up the phone if I call him?', he won't do this. Jess would never do therapy," Rory said resolutely.

"That answer came quick. I bet you didn't think you'd 'do therapy' before you started talking to me, did you? Rory, you need to remember that the longer you avoid _really_ dealing with these issues, the more it'll affect Hannah. Babies are very affected by their environment –they're highly attuned empaths. You're making great progress, but you're still struggling and until you and Jess say your piece and hear each other out, you're going to stall –the longer you stall, the more it will affect your daughter. They heavy cloud that's weighing you down _will_ transfer to her –it's only a matter of time. I know it's scary and I know you want to let him be –you don't want to be the one to reach out, you don't feel like it's your place. But, I think you should –if you tell him why, where you are and explain how you're working on yourself, I'm sure he'd understand based on what you've told me about him. Anger aside, I believe he'd understand. Promise me you'll think about it at least –okay?"

"Yeah, okay, fine," Rory sighed, getting up from the couch in a hurry. "I'll see you next week. Thanks for the session."

Logan was waiting in the lobby of the building. "How'd it go today?"

"Fine."

"That's it? Just fine?"

"What do you want, Logan –a play-by-play of my confidential therapy session?" Rory snapped.

"No," he said slowly, "of course not. It's just that you usually answer with more than one word. Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Therapy was fine, okay?"

"Okay." _Something's up_ , Logan thought to himself.

They drove from Hartford to Stars Hollow in silence. When Logan pulled into the Gilmore's driveway, Rory was staring aimlessly out the passenger side window. "She wants me to call Jess. Dr. Bowman –she wants to have you, me and Jess in for a session together. She says I'm going to keep stalling until I'm able to face everything about this –meaning Jess," Rory said quietly.

Logan sighed and put his hand over Rory's.

"He's not even talking to me, Logan. He hasn't –we haven't –how am I supposed to…? He won't."

"You don't know that, Ace."

"Yes I do. Dr. Bowman said it might –that I might –my depression, my whatever this is –it's gonna start affecting Hannah soon," Rory cried. "She doesn't deserve that. I'm a terrible mother. I slept around, I complicated everything and now I'm a walking ball of sadness and I can't fix it and because _I'm_ a mess, Hannah suffers. It's not fair. I'm a terrible mother."

"You're not," Logan whispered. "You are not a terrible mother, Rory."

"I can't call him. He won't talk to me. I'll just have to lie –tell Dr. Bowman I tried but he wouldn't answer my call. That's what I'll tell her. It'll be case closed. Whatever."

It was past ten at night by the time Logan made it back to his rented apartment in Stamford, having spent the evening with Rory and Hannah. He pulled his iPhone out of his pocket and stared at it for about ten seconds before taking a deep breath and making the call. As the phone continued to ring, he found himself feeling relieved when his call went to voicemail. "Jess, it's Logan. It might be kinda late to call –sorry about that. We need to talk. Remember how I told you we wouldn't get away scot free living in _Maury Povich_ land? Yeah. It might be time to pay the piper, if you're feeling generous. Call me."

* * *

Jess listened to Logan's message at least half a dozen times. _It might be time to pay the piper, if you're feeling generous._ He was smart enough to understand what this was –his name had come up in Rory's therapy sessions and it was politely suggested that he maybe take part –Jess would bet every last dime he had that that was what was going on here.

Why now? There'd be no _good_ time, it was true –but Jess was just starting to get his life back, he was just starting to feel like the weight was easing off. He was truly starting to feel like himself again. He certainly didn't relish the idea that Rory was having such a hard time and he still missed Hannah so much he could barely breathe if he thought about her too much –but was he ready to face Rory yet? To discuss all the things that couldn't be avoided if he were to make a cameo in her therapy session? He had no idea. But it was Saturday morning –Logan had called on Thursday while he was at Ella's. Jess couldn't avoid at least calling him back.

"Hey Logan," he said when he heard the other end of the call pick up, "is now a good time?"

"Yeah," Logan answered, "yeah. Thanks for calling me back."

"Sorry it took a while."

"Nah, you're fine."

"So… what's up?" Jess asked nervously. "Rory?"

"Rory," Logan nodded. "It seems her therapist broached the topic of actually addressing the triangle in this triangle –wants to have a session with all three of us."

Jess took a deep breath. "Wow. Okay. So that's what this feels like."

"Rory's been doing better. I've been to a few sessions with her and things are going well, but unsurprisingly, the good doctor thinks Rory will keep stalling until she addresses the whole thing –including the fact that Hannah had two possible fathers."

Jess bit the inside of his cheek and focused on continuing to breathe normally. Logan's last sentence was like a punch in the gut –sure, he was doing better, but he wasn't immune. "Makes sense," he said tersely.

Logan sighed, pain evident in his voice. "Jess, I'm sorry. I know this isn't –but we knew this would happen. I told you I'd tell you when –I'm telling you."

"I know. I know, thank you."

"Rory's convinced you wouldn't answer her call. When I picked her up the other day she told me what Dr. Bowman suggested and said that she'd just have to lie –tell her she tried to call you but that you never picked up. She said the doctor told her that until she addressed the whole thing –her progress would keep stalling and it's going to start having an impact on Hannah soon."

"Will it? Can that actually happen?"

"Probably. There's no way babies don't pick up on what's going on around them –moods and stuff. There could be transference or something. Infants are pretty perceptive –and sensitive."

The last thing Jess wanted was for Rory's struggles to have a negative effect on Hannah. If there was anything he could do to help ensure that didn't happen, he had to do it. "If it'll help Hannah…"

"Let it help you too. Remember what I said?"

"Yes, I remember," Jess rolled his eyes. After a long silence, he simply asked, "When?" and said nothing more.

"Seriously?" Logan said after a few seconds when he recovered from the shock. "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

"Don't make me change my mind because you've suddenly decided to embrace the dumb blond motif, Logan. I'm doing this for Hannah, and myself as you annoyingly point out. If I have to sit through a therapy session with Rory to help Hannah, I think I can handle that."

"Can you handle me too?" Logan asked sarcastically.

"I guess I have to, don't I?" Jess answered dryly. "Look, I'm not saying yes or no. I'm not making any promises. But just tell me when and where so that if I decide to do this, I know where to go."

Jess barely slept on Saturday night. By Sunday, he was a bundle of nervous energy. He knew what he needed to do –what he was going to do- but he needed reinforcement –someone to tell him it was the right thing.

He knocked on Ella's door late that morning. He stifled a chuckle and supressed the urge to commence a celebration with her when he saw her –disheveled and clearly sleep deprived, still in her pajamas. "Hi there."

"What's up, Jess?" Ella asked, smiling at him and holding back a yawn.

"Hey, Ella, where do you hide the coffee around here? Tea's good, but I think I need coffee now," a young man asked.

As this man wandered out of her bedroom, Jess surreptitiously looked him up and down before Ella's guest noticed him. This man was tall and broad-shouldered, with dark auburn red hair and a freckled face. Eyes the colour of the ocean; he was wearing casual jeans and an open button-down shirt.

 _Well, clearly the outfit did exactly what it was supposed to do_. _Way to go, El –nicely done,_ Jess thought to himself proudly. He was happy for Ella –that she liked this guy enough for her date to last all weekend.

The guy Jess had yet to be introduced to stopped short when he saw the man standing in her doorway; he looked at Ella with curious, apologetic and piercing blue eyes. "Sorry… were you expecting company? You should've said something."

"No… I'm unannounced. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm Jess, Ella's friend. Sorry, I didn't know she'd have company," he said, extending his hand.

"Oh! You're Jess, huh? She's told me about you!"

At this, Jess glanced at Ella and raised his eyebrow at her with a smug smirk.

"All good things, I promise."

"I'm so glad," Jess said, chuckling under his breath.

"And don't worry, it's not you; by all accounts she shouldn't have company at this point, our date was two nights ago. I wasn't supposed to be here for you to walk in on. Oh God, all this small talk and I haven't even told you my name yet! This is what happens when I go more than one day without coffee of any kind, decorum goes out the window and I start acting like some brute who forgets to introduce himself to complete strangers before striking up a conversation with them in someone else's home. I'm Mike," he smiled, taking Jess' hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Oh boy," Ella whispered under her breath, "this is embarrassing."

"Why?" Mike asked. "Could be worse. I could've wandered out of your bedroom naked."

"Man's got a point _and_ he makes with the funny," Jess smiled. "I like him already."

"Oh good," Ella smiled awkwardly. "Mike I –I don't drink coffee. All I've got is tea."

"This is a bad time," Jess said to Ella. "I'm sorry, El –I should've called."

"Oh God, no! Don't be silly. I'm going to make a Starbucks run to get some coffee anyway. Stay, Jess –you guys can talk while I'm out," Mike insisted. "You must've come by for a reason, right?"

"Right… okay. Thanks. I'll make it quick –be out of your hair by the time you get back."

"Nah, take your time," Mike smiled easily. "Do you want anything from Starbucks?"

This guy was abnormally nice, calm, comfortable and supremely secure in himself. Jess was impressed. "No, I'm good. Thanks though."

"No worries. I'll take my time. You guys talk. Ella, you want anything?"

"Chocolate chip banana bread please?" Ella asked with a grin.

"Got it," Mike said, pecking Ella's lips quickly.

"I uh –I'm gonna do my best to be gone by the time you get back, I don't want to be in your guys' way," Jess said. "It was good to meet you, Mike."

"You too! Good to put a face to the name." With that, he slipped out quietly.

Jess stood silently, staring at Ella and smirking.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing. He seems like a good guy. He's all mature when another man shows up at your door needing to talk to you. I'm impressed."

"Yes, he's an adult. Shocking, I know."

"So, the outfit choice clearly did the trick. You like him?"

"I really do," Ella smiled. "What about you? Did you fabricate a reason to come here and check on me or do you have an actual thing going on?"

"I have an actual thing," Jess sighed. "I called Logan back. So, Rory's been talking to a therapist for a –a while I guess…"

"I'm not surprised. I'm glad –I mean, if it's helping her."

"It is –I think. Anyway, Logan told me that her doctor has finally reached the inevitable conclusion that if Rory is truly going to make progress and not stall or regress, there needs to be a group thing… the therapist wants to talk to all three of us together."

"Wow. That's –wow."

"Yeah. Logan said the therapist warned her that what she's going through is going to start negatively impacting Hannah; Rory seems convinced that I wouldn't go, much less answer her call, so Logan's making sure I know what's up."

"Are you even ready to be talking to Rory yet?"

"Nope. That's why I haven't. I still miss Hannah so much it's hard to breathe sometimes –but I just haven't been ready to –"

"Jess," Ella said quietly, reaching for his hand, "you don't have to justify yourself to me."

"I know."

"What're you gonna do?"

Jess looked at Ella with wide, sad eyes. "What I have to."

"But are you even ready to face all that? I mean –do you want to?"

"I don't know. But I know that if I ever want to have a relationship with that baby girl, the cone of silence has to be broken sometime –somehow. This seems like the best way to do that. I don't relish the thought of what Rory's going through –I don't _want_ her to be suffering and struggling. And if it's going to start affecting Hannah in a bad way, I _really_ can't live with that. If me showing up for some bullshit talk therapy crap can help Hannah have a better time of it –I can't look at this as something I'm doing for Rory –I mean, it's not that I'm actively _not_ doing it for her but I –"

"You can't look at it that way. You almost killed yourself putting her first for over six months and you have your own healing to do that has to have nothing to do with her. I get it. I told you, you don't have to justify this to me –I really do get it. I also know that you must still have some pent up feelings about this –lots of them, big ones too. If you do go ahead with this, it'll give you a safe arena to air some of that out, right? Kind of like an invitation to let loose –tell Rory what you want her to hear and make sure she actually hears it? You've done an amazing job getting yourself together, Jess. But I can see you still struggle. I think it's a minor miracle that you're doing as well as you are without ending up in therapy yourself –and I'm not saying you need it, if I thought you did I would've told you by now. It's admirable that you're still able to think of what's best for Hannah and if that's what gets you there, talking about this then great –that's the exact right reason to do it," Ella said softly.

"But…"

"But don't be afraid to own the peace of mind it might give _you_ in the process. In other words: if you have any unleashing to do, fucking do it –do you understand me? Unleash and own it. If you have anything you need to say to Rory, say it. Don't be unnecessarily cruel, but don't coddle her. She's a big girl and she has a therapist to help her deal with it. Don't just do this for Hannah –do it for you, too. You deserve to give yourself that much."

"So, you think I should then –agree to talk to her shrink with her?"

"I think you had your mind made up about what you were going to do before you even knocked on my door. It _is_ the right thing, Jess. If you think you can handle it –then yes, it is absolutely the right thing. What I am saying I think you should do is be unafraid to let yourself benefit from it too. Your shoulders are broad and strong, but they don't need to buckle under so much weight anymore –it's okay to release some of it."

"Yeah," Jess whispered, smiling warmly at his best friend, "you're right."

"Of course I am," Ella winked.

"Thanks. I'll get going now, so as not to interrupt the love-fest. I'm happy for you El, Mike seems great."

"He is."

"If he sticks for another couple of weeks we should all get together and do something. I'd like to get to know him properly, in public, without having to avoid looking at his chest hair. Seems like he'll be around long enough to make that cut, huh?"

"I certainly hope so. Count on it, even."

"Oh! You've never told me to 'count on it' before! He _is_ a keeper. Can I confess something though?"

"What?"

"Me showing up here –eighty percent to tell you what was going on with me, twenty percent to make sure you're happy and good and no one's ass needed to be kicked. I've never been so happy about not having to kick anyone's ass!"

Ella smiled. "Me too."

"One more thing…"

"What's that?"

"He must be _really_ good at popping your wheelie if you kept him here for two nights," Jess winked before leaving. "Good on you. Pop that wheelie; go, go, girlie."

"You came up with a way to rhyme that God awful pun? Geez, yeah –you'd better leave," Ella laughed. "Jess! If you need anything…"

"I know," he smirked. "I will."

* * *

"Jess? What are you –I –what are you doing here?" Rory stammered quietly when she saw Jess walk into Dr. Bowman's waiting room. "How did you even know –?"

"Guilty," Logan admitted sheepishly. "I knew you'd never call him. When you told me last week that you were willing to lie about it, I –sorry. You can yell at me later. I thought it should be up to Jess to decide if he wanted to be here."

"How much did you tell him?"

"Only enough that I knew there was a chance that eventually my presence might be requested here. That's what he did –made the request," Jess offered simply. "The fact that I'm here is my choice."

"Oh. Okay. Thank you –for coming," Rory whispered.

"Yeah. Sure. You're welcome."

"How are you?"

"Fine. Keeping busy."

"It's good to see you, Jess. I –Hannah –we've –we've missed you."

Jess bit the inside of his mouth –hard- to keep his chin from quivering. "I miss Hannah too," he said quietly, after a long silence. "I'm sorry you've been having a hard time."

"Eleven o'clock. Are you ready Rory?" Dr. Bowman asked, walking out of her office. She stopped short when she saw Jess and Logan. "So we've got a full house today, it seems. You must be Jess. I'm Dr. Bowman," she said, offering her hand.

"Yeah, that's me," Jess answered, shaking the doctor's hand quickly and sticking his fist back in his pocket.

"Rory was a bit nervous to reach out to you, I think. I'm sure she's very glad you're here."

"Yeah, well –I'm here for Hannah too."

Dr. Bowman smiled and opened her office door wide. "Shall we?"

Rory and Logan sat together on the grey couch across from Dr. Bowman's desk while Jess pulled up a chair nearer to Logan's end.

"I'm sorry," Jess said slowly after a few beats of silence. "I'm not quite sure how this is supposed to work. Am I just supposed to start talking, or…?"

"You can, if you have some idea where you'd like to start?" Dr. Bowman offered.

"No, no idea."

"Well then, why don't I ask some general, open-ended questions to give everyone a starting point. Jess, can I start with you?"

"Sure. That makes sense, I guess."

"What made you decide to take part today?"

"Well, I –I've known Rory for a long –a long time. Despite what she may have told you based on my silence after all this hit the fan –I do actually care –that she's having a hard time. But mostly, I don't want Hannah to suffer because of it. If my being here can help Rory so that it doesn't have to affect Hannah in a bad way –I owe it to that baby to be here."

"Interesting."

"What is?"

"You say you owe it to Hannah…"

"Yup. That's what I said."

"Why do you choose to look at it that way, Jess?"

"It's not a choice," Jess answered. "That's how it is. I care about Rory –I want her to be okay. She can tell you herself that if I didn't care about her, there's no way in hell I'd be here. But the way I see it, Rory is struggling right now and that's a shame, but she has support. She has Logan, she has her mom, she has _my_ uncle who happens to be her mom's husband and I have no gripes about any of that –there's no need to dissect my uncle's marriage to her mom, so stop that before you start. But see, everyone's primary concern is Rory. Logan's main concern is Rory, her mom's main concern is Rory, everyone in Stars Hollow, save my uncle who might be bearing an equal burden of concern for the two of us –everyone's main concern is Rory and then the affect it has on Hannah runs a close second. I'm not that way. I put that baby first in order to be here, because for all the people who are indirectly fighting for her, _one person_ should put her first. She's a baby –she has no say in what goes on around her or how that will affect her, she just has to suffer the consequences until the situation changes –Hannah deserves to have one person, at least, who worries about her first and foremost and takes some of the rest out on faith that it'll work itself out."

"Do you not think Rory and Logan are here for Hannah too?"

"I know they are. I haven't talked to Rory in about eight weeks but I know she's scared. I know Rory's here to get better; I don't contest that for a second. But everyone else? They're worried first for Rory, second for Hannah. I'm not that guy –nor do I mean to imply that Logan's less of a man for –but you ask him right now what his primary concern is and he'll say Rory. I'm concerned about how Rory's mindset affects that baby, because that baby has no one to speak for her. If by helping Rory deal with her crap, things are easier for her and Hannah has a happier environment – _that's_ what I'm here for. Still confused, doc?"

Logan started to chuckle. "First point goes to Jess. Don't spar with him, Dr. Bowman –all your fancy training might not save you from being pummelled."

"Duly noted," Dr. Bowman smiled. "I must say Jess –you express yourself very well."

"Helps to be not at all confused," Jess answered nonchalantly.

"How did you find it, getting along with Logan?"

"I've always thought Logan was a dick –never really had much of a reason to like him, or care that I didn't like him. But, funny thing –Rory being pregnant was about the only reason under the sun that we would've had to figure out how to get along –and we did. Unfortunately for him, I now know Logan is capable of being a human being –a decent one at that, if he chooses to be."

"Logan, is there anything you'd like to add to that?" Dr. Bowman asked.

"No. I mean, that pretty much sums it up. We had to find a way to exist together without biting each other's heads off while all this was happening and we did that."

"Rory, did you ever feel caught in the middle?"

"No, actually –the opposite. I marvelled at how well they got along. It freaked me out sometimes. But they're both smart; they saw that I was –struggling and they banded together to protect me. I was –I am- very thankful for that. Not very many men would be able to make the best out of a bad situation like that and before this happened, I would never assume Jess and Logan to be exceptions to that rule," Rory answered softly. "If anything, I felt terrible for the position I put them in."

"Logan, did it bother you, knowing that Jess found out about Rory's pregnancy before you did? You are after all the one that Rory had a longstanding relationship with."

"It did bug me at first –I was furious for a very short time. I couldn't understand it. She and I –however dishonestly- we were involved for years before this happened. I was in love –I thought we were in love. It made no sense to me that this would happen and she'd flirt with the idea of actively _not_ telling me. But, that being said, considering the aforementioned dishonesty, I could make some sense of it. In the end though, I'm just glad she _did_ tell me," Logan explained. "If she hadn't, I –we'd never have this chance we have now."

"Jess, I understand that you were very vocal in telling Rory that Logan deserved to know," Dr. Bowman said.

"Yup."

"Why?"

"Because if Logan was going to just be an ass who wasn't around, that'd have to be the case because he'd shown his true colours –not something that was assumed of him by default," Jess answered.

"You'll have to help me understand your reasoning, Jess. By all accounts –yours included- you never liked Logan, so why did it matter so much to you that Rory be honest with a man you didn't care for either way?"

"Because every kid deserves to have the shot at having two parents. I think you're equating my moral position of Logan having a right to know with assuming he was going to be the best dad ever. They're not the same thing. But you know what I do know, Dr. Bowman? Rory can attest to this too, based on her experiences growing up –very few people are single parents by _choice_ ," Jess said pointedly. "People are single parents because their partners ran away, balked at the responsibility, would've contributed to a toxic environment or otherwise fucked the kid up. Being a single parent is not easy, and not something that people choose, unless a woman is so desperate to have a baby that she'll get herself inseminated without having a man in her life. But Rory's not that woman. People are single parents because they're driven to it, because that's the way the chips fell, because their partners aren't around for whatever reason.

"I'm sure Rory has lots of stories about how hard it was for her, not having her dad around growing up. I can promise you Lorelai didn't _choose_ to be without Rory's dad because she just wasn't into him anymore –it probably legitimately didn't work, so raising Rory as a single mom was what offered the most stability. I never met him –but I was around for some of it when we were teenagers, her dad being around or not being around, based on little more than the man's own whims. I saw some of what it did to her –how thrilled and excited she was when he was around and then how confused and sad she was when he disappeared. Do you think that –Rory, do you think your mom _chose_ to raise you as a single mom for kicks? No, she did it because she could offer you more stability on her own than she could with your dad around. Your dad knew about you, he knew he was your dad and he let it happen, right? That's different than never knowing you existed.

"I also know from experience –my dad fucked off when I was a baby and my mom did her best, but was so at her wits end with me that she sent me off to live with my uncle when I was seventeen.

"Ninety-nine percent of single parents are not single parents by _choice_. Rory had no right to assume her kid would be better off that way, until given proof that her assumptions are grounded in _actual_ merit. It doesn't matter that I didn't give a shit about Logan one way or the other –it wasn't about _giving a shit_ about Logan, it was about giving that child the best life possible and just because that child could've been Logan's, it doesn't mean he shouldn't have the chance to prove himself to be a better man than I thought he was. Rory was seriously considering actively keeping this child away from her father –every child deserves a father, unless it can be irrefutably proven that said child is better off without him. Regardless of Logan being a liar and a cheater, Rory had no such irrefutable proof –that if this were Logan's baby, that they'd be better off _never knowing their dad._

"I also told her point blank that I refused to be a stand-in daddy to a kid that didn't turn out to be mine –that if the kid was mine, I'd be everything a child deserves to have in a father and more, but that I would not be a stand-in dad simply because she refused to tell the actual father."

Rory blushed embarrassingly at the memory and bit back tears.

This was the first time Logan had ever heard the whole story –he was astounded. He'd owed a greater debt of gratitude to Jess than he'd ever known.

"Rory, it sounds like Jess was very assertive in his beliefs on this matter –quite angry even, when he caught on to how you were considering handling the issue of telling Logan what was happening. Has his explanation to you, here, now clarified his feelings on the matter? Do you understand better now than you might have back then why he was so resolute in his belief that you come clean with Logan?" Dr. Bowman asked.

"Yeah," Rory answered quietly. "Now, having had Hannah and –definitely."

Dr. Bowman turned to Logan, who seemed downright shell-shocked by all the detailed information he'd just heard. "By the look on your face, Logan, I'm assuming that a lot of this –a detailed account of Jess' ethical and moral motivations in asserting you know the truth- is new information to you? How does it make you feel?"

"Speechless," Logan said breathlessly. "I never knew –I mean, I knew the gist of how Jess reacted, and I know it was him who convinced her to tell me. But I never knew –I never knew the why of it really. I don't know what I was expecting by way of _why_ , but I –I wasn't expecting that. Thank you, Jess," he whispered.

"Rory, you must've known Jess would respond with a degree of anger to what you'd told him that day –disbelief, shock and anger that he'd likely hurl some of back to you. I can't help but wonder, going back to something we discussed in a previous session –regardless of whether you were planning to tell Logan at all and let's just assume for arguments' sake that you had every intention to, why would you tell Jess first –before the man whom you –by all accounts- love? Who loves you in return?" Dr. Bowman asked delicately.

"Consciously, I don't think she –but unconsciously, believe me, she knew I'd never let her get away with it –willfully keeping her pregnancy from Logan," Jess interjected. "She knew I'd call her out on it. I can't give you a definitive list of reasons why she told me before Logan –but unconsciously she knew I'd hold her toes to the fire. Part of me thinks she was looking for that –she needed that- to be held accountable by someone who wouldn't let it slide, to give her the tough love she needed which would force her to find the strength to do something that –she probably would've done anyway, but to do it properly, appropriately and without a litany of ready-made excuses not to. Sorry for the interruption. I know that question wasn't meant for me, but –"

"No, no. He's right, about all of it," Rory said in a shaky voice, her eyes welling up with tears. "You were right. You're right, Jess. About all of it."

"Jess," Dr. Bowman said, "it's quite clear that you have a very strong bond to Hannah –you love her very much."

"I do."

"That is not necessarily the norm in situations like this. Typically, when men find out that they are not a baby's father, the connection eventually wanes, or men decide to distance themselves –they choose not to pursue a relationship with the child."

"I'm not most men," Jess said defiantly. "The reason I'm keeping my distance right now isn't because I don't love Hannah, or because I've stopped caring about Rory. You just said it yourself, doc –I'm not that baby's father. That was hard –it was hard to – _incredibly_ hard to hear. Rory and I had a one-time thing and fatherhood was the last thing on my mind, but I had six months to get used to the idea, and another five weeks to fall in love with Hannah –hearing that she's not mine was one of the hardest –I'm keeping my distance right now because it's all too fresh, I'm still processing. I'm still in –in pain, and I can't be around Hannah until I've worked through most of that pain. I'm not there yet. I'm keeping my distance because I _do_ care, not because I don't."

"Logan, as Hannah's father, is it difficult for you to hear of Jess' sentiment for her?"

"Surprisingly, no –not at all," Logan admitted. "I respect Jess. We were stuck in a very unique circumstance and I've gotten to know him very well. I'm not threatened at all. I'm impressed and it's all I can do to hope that if the situation were reversed, I could have half the strength and enduring love for Hannah that he has. Hannah may not know him yet, but she's very lucky to have him."

"Rory, how is it for you to hear all of this from Jess? I know the fact that you haven't seen him or spoken to him since this all came to light has been hard for you," Dr. Bowman said.

"Yeah," Rory sighed quietly. "It's been hard –I –I've been worried that he would never forgive me for… but I understand better now –why, I mean. It's nice to know, how much you still love Hannah, Jess. _That_ you still love her, even _._ "

Jess let out a heavy breath. "Of course I do," he said, "being mad at you is nothing new. We'll figure everything out. But being away from Hannah is –it seems ironic that I have to suffer in order to stop suffering."

"You're –wait, you're –you're mad?" Rory asked shakily.

Jess started biting his lip again. "I shouldn't –I didn't mean to –I shouldn't say any more."

"No, Jess –I think you should," Dr. Bowman said. "If you're upset or mad, you should feel safe to share that here, so we can work through it."

"I don't need to work through it. I'm pretty clear on the matter of my anger. I need to _get_ through it; I don't need to _work_ through it. There's a difference."

"Jess, I –I'm sorry," Rory cried, "for all of this, for the position I put you in at work. You know that. Please –please don't be mad –or, or talk to me –tell me…"

"Not being mad is out of the question, Rory."

"Then tell me –tell me why. What did I do?"

"What did you _do_?" Jess muttered through clenched teeth. "Would you like a list?"

"Jess," Dr. Bowman interjected, "I encourage you to be candid in how you feel, but maybe you'd like to take a moment to –"

"No, I don't need a moment," Jess answered. "If Rory wants to know why I'm mad, I'll tell her. Logan might wanna step out though… it might be too much information for him."

"I'm fine here," Logan assured everyone. "We all know where babies come from. I'm aware you guys had sex. I'm not ten years old; I can handle it."

"Jess," Rory pleaded, "why are you still so mad? Talk to me."

"You wanna talk, Rory? You wanna know why I'm _still so_ mad? Because this goes way beyond someone stealing my lunch money. This is my life. My whole life is a mess right now," Jess said curtly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I told you when we –I said I don't regret what we did, the time we spent together and I don't. I swear on my life, I do not regret it. I stand by _my_ choice to let that happen. When you told me you were pregnant, we made some questionable decisions –deciding to not tell anyone I was involved until we knew whether the baby was mine was pretty dumb, in retrospect, but we did the best we could. I even stand by the questionable, bad decisions we made together. I'm not shirking my stake of responsibility in this –I own it. But you, you –what I don't stand by are the decisions that _you_ made that did nothing but make everything worse."

"What do you mean?"

"Okay, let's run down the list, shall we? That morning, when we were in the middle of having sex, I wanted to put on a condom. _You_ told me I didn't have to, so I didn't. Later, when we –I wanted to pull out. _You_ told me not to; you _held_ me there so I wouldn't; I could've overpowered you but I _chose_ to let you have your way. You wanna know what _is_ my fault? I listened to you. If I were with any other woman, I wouldn't have given a damn that she didn't want me to wear a condom, I would've worn one anyway. With any other woman I wouldn't have given a shit that she didn't want me to pull out, I would have anyway. With any other woman, Rory, I'd _never_ be in this situation. What _is_ my fault is that I have blinders on when it comes to you –I wish to God I could just learn my lesson, because it's not like there's been a shortage of opportunity. But I never learn with you, do I? No, I never fucking learn. There were things, when we were in the throes, that I wanted to do instinctually that would've prevented _all_ this," Jess said angrily, gesturing to his surroundings in the therapist's office. "You didn't want me to, you didn't want to let me and instead of doing those things anyway, because I could've and I would've in any other situation, I listened to you. I. Listened. To _you._ And look at how well that turned for me! I let you have your way –and now my life is all messed up because of it."

"Jess, I –" Rory started to say.

Jess shook his head sharply and clenched his fists at his sides. "Do you deny that you were banking on getting your way that morning? That you were thrilled that I let you win?"

"No," Rory said quietly.

"Okay then."

"Jess I –"

"I'm not done."

"Okay."

Dr. Bowman shot a worried glance in Rory's direction, but Rory assured her with her eyes that Jess should be allowed to continue.

"Could you have found out Hannah's paternity before she was born?" Jess asked.

"Yes," Rory admitted.

"Why the hell didn't you, then?"

"I –I was –I was in denial. I wasn't ready to deal with knowing that answer, because then I'd –I'd have to face everything I'd done to get me there and I wasn't –I couldn't do it. I'm sorry. Were you prepared to know then?"

"What?"

"If I had found out when the opportunity was there, only a week after I talked to you –would you have been ready to get that information? Would Logan have been ready? Did either of you even know how you felt about it?"

"Ace," Logan said gently, "at that point, the decision was yours, not ours –I'm sure Jess and I would've handled whatever we –but whether we were ready isn't really the issue."

"It was your choice Rory," Jess said lowly, "and you elected not to know, thereby perpetuating an unbelievably impossible and stressful situation for me and Logan. Do I think that you did it on purpose just to torture us? Do I think you had any malicious intent? No, of course not –I don't believe the consequences that your decision would have on us even registered on your radar. But whether you meant to do it or not –it doesn't change the fact that you did. You had opportunities to snuff out the fire, and each time, rather than try to snuff it out, you added fuel. _You_ , you made choices –distinct choices- that shaped all of this and how it affected Logan's life, and mine. There may not have been many, but you had chances to minimize the fallout, or possibly avoid the whole thing and you voted against those chances. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to take responsibility for the things you did –the choices you made- that made this whole thing worse."

"I'm sorry, Jess. Logan, I –I'm sorry," Rory cried.

"Are you?" Jess asked quietly. "Do you even understand what you're apologizing for? I don't think you do –not yet. But, that's what she's here to help you with," he said, pointing to Dr. Bowman and rising slowly from his chair.

"Jess, don't go."

"No, I think it is time for me to go. Rory," he said, squatting down to meet her sad eyes, "listen to me. I do not regret that morning. I do not regret my decision to be there for you during your pregnancy. I do not regret my choice to love Hannah –God, I love her so much, it's such a beautiful thing. I came here today to be part of this conversation and because I've gotta start somewhere, if I want any hope in hell of being able to be part of that little girl's life. I'm mad –but somehow, some way, we'll figure it out, we'll find our way back like we always do. I don't know when, or how –but we will. But right now –today –I can't stay here anymore. If I do, I might start throwing things and that'll make the good doctor very angry." Jess straightened his knees and headed for the door.

"Jess, wait," Dr. Bowman said, getting up after him and catching him outside her door. "You seem to have some unresolved issues. If you want, I can refer you to someone –it might be beneficial if you –"

"Nah, I'm actually feeling a lot better now," Jess assured her. "No 'dialoguing' necessary. I appreciate the offer though. Just keep helping Rory. Sorry to be harsh and split, but this isn't about me."

"If it's any consolation, the anger you're feeling is very normal. Justified. Your love for Hannah is admirable. I hope you're able to start seeing her soon –being around her."

"Me too," Jess smirked. "That's kinda why I came. I told you I was here for Hannah."

"That you were."

"Don't worry about me –you've got your work cut out for you in there."

"If you change your mind, or if you ever want to come back, my door's always open. I shouldn't see you myself, because it'd be a conflict of interest with Rory. But I can refer you no problem."

"I think I'd only come back if it was absolutely necessary for Rory –but thanks, I appreciate it."

As Dr. Bowman was returning to her office, Logan ran out into the hall. "Jess! Wait up! Thanks man –for coming. Couldn't have been easy."

"I may have done Rory more harm than good –sorry about that," Jess sighed.

"She'll be all right. Deep down, even now, I'm sure she knows where you're coming from. She'll work through it. Hey, so I'm not sure where you're at in terms of wanting to know about Hannah, but I was thinking –once all of this –what happened in there blows over, maybe I can send you texts?"

"Texts?"

"You know, with pictures –short videos, that kinda thing. You shouldn't have to miss _everything_ unless you –that way, you can see her without _seeing_ her. Baby steps… no pun intended. You said yourself, you gotta start somewhere, right?"

"Yeah," Jess smiled slightly. "That sounds good. Give it a few days so we can all digest for ourselves what happened in there. Apologize to Rory for me –for being angry and walking out, but –"

"If you've gotta walk out, you've gotta walk out, right?"

"If I'd stayed in there, it would've been worse. Rory might not get it, but me walking out is best for everyone."

"I hear that," Logan chuckled.

"I really am glad she's getting help," Jess said.

"Thanks for deciding to come."

"Rory might wish I didn't."

"No… once the shock of what you said wears off, it's gonna help her. She'll be glad. I mean it, Jess. It means the world that you decided to be here –you didn't have to come."

"Yes I did," Jess whispered, with a touch of sadness in his tone. He shook it off and gave Logan a tiny smirk. "Good to see you, dickhead. You should go, get back in there."

"Okay," Logan smiled. "Talk to you soon?"

"Yeah, I'll talk to you soon."


	32. Chapter 32

"Don't _fucking_ push me, Rory. Not on this. Not today."

"Push you? _Push you_? It's interesting that pushing _you_ is what you think I'm doing, Logan. You have no respect –no respect for me or what I'm going through. You have no idea… if you understood how much I'm struggling _every day_ , with the smallest things – _you_ wouldn't be pushing _me_! _Not on this_ –not again! Why are you so eager to air our personal lives out like dirty laundry from the rooftops, huh?" Rory screamed.

Logan laughed dryly. "I'm sorry –is this where I'm supposed to whip my own back with a leather strap and grovel to be forgiven? I find it astounding how you make everything about you and everything – _everything_ is the end of the fucking world. What about _you_ having respect for what _I_ go through?"

"Don't you dare turn this around on me!"

"Oh, but I think I will –"

"You bastard!" Rory cried. "How _dare_ you. With everything you _know_ I'm going through, how can you stand there and just write me off as crazy and unreasonable? What gives you the right?"

"How dare _you,_ Rory! What about how _I_ struggle? What about you respecting what I'm going through? I've been so concerned for your wellbeing and you've never once asked about mine in _any_ context whatsoever."

Rory hung her head more out of anger than shame –she was so furious, she had a hard time looking at him. Her rage prevented her from even _entertaining_ the idea that Logan did indeed have a valid and fully justified point.

"Yeah, this has to do with our personal lives, but it isn't about me airing out dirt on you. Have you forgotten that we have a daughter? _We_ have a daughter, Rory. She's mine too. And you're talking about her like she's a rash that you need to cover up until it gets a little less unsightly," Logan said bitingly, "and to that I once again say, how dare _you_? So yeah, this is about our personal lives, but it's also just about our _lives_. We're her parents for the rest of our lives. When exactly is it going to be okay with you that I start to own my fatherhood –publicly?"

"Logan…"

"No, I'm actually serious –when is it going to be okay for me to start admitting that we have a child together? When am I allowed to come out of hiding? When do the people in _my_ life get to know that we have a child together? I'm not talking about telling my parents Rory –you know that. I wanna wait until Hannah's a few months older –until they can see that I take fatherhood seriously and no amount of threatening from them can make me turn my back on you or our daughter- I have no interest in jumping that gun. Finn and the guys know but –"

"They _all_ know? Jesus Christ Logan!"

"Yes," he seethed, "they do. Finn told them. I told him he could so that I didn't have to have the conversation more than once. But I also told Finn that if he or anyone else gave you a hard time or acted like idiots about it, I'd kill them all. I told him to make sure they all knew that this was not an open invitation to tease you, or be immature or stupid with the information. I asked them to keep their distance and they actually have –all of them. So it's not like I've actually been able to talk to them about any of this. They know. Have I talked to them about it? Hardly. I told _my_ friends the bare minimum of information and I've made them keep their distance because I _don't_ want to _air our personal lives out like dirty laundry_.

"The fact that we share a daughter might be salacious information to some, but it's also just a fact –a fact that you can't make go away no matter how long you want to hide –a fact that's no less true regardless of how long you keep it a secret amongst _your_ family and friends. _We_ have a daughter, Rory – _we._ She's not some shameful secret that needs to be kept under lock and key at all costs –she's our _daughter_ , for God's sake.

"I know you're going through a hard time and that this is a marathon, not a sprint. The issues you're starting to tackle are going to take a long time to work through and that's okay. I'm here. I'm supportive. But Rory, I can't just deny my identity as a father to the world outside Stars Hollow until you're all better –it's not fair to me. You can't expect me to just willingly hide in the shadows like your prisoner until _you_ think it's okay to finally stop _actively_ minimizing or concealing _our_ daughter's existence from the world at large –"

"That's not what I'm doing and you know it, asshole," Rory snapped back.

"Really? Sure looks that way to me. So why is that –you can't control the world at large, so you'd rather hide away and stew in your denial and force me to hide with you? How long do you actually think we could keep going the way we are without it _seriously_ biting us in the ass?"

"You make it sound like I'm holding you captive against your will."

" _You are_! This is ridiculous Rory. You're holding me hostage and you're holding our daughter hostage and I resent it! Do you hear me Rory?" Logan yelled. "I resent it!"

"This is all about what happened in therapy a few weeks ago, isn't it?" Rory asked bitterly. "You can't stand knowing intimate details of my time with Jess –he offered you the chance to leave and you refused it; you're regretting that right about now, aren't you? You're mad because he knew first and because he told his best friend. You made it a _whole_ two weeks and now here we are –midway through October and you _finally_ express all that delayed rage. Happy belated birthday to me," she rolled her eyes.

Logan shifted his weight to close the distance between them and lowered his voice menacingly. "Was I thrilled to hear some distinctly private and intimate revelations from your time with him? Of course I wasn't. Do you think the great debate for the ages that men engage in amongst themselves goes something like, ' _To pull out or not pull out, that is the question...?_ ' We don't. It doesn't. But I'm not a petty child, Rory. I said when Jess offered to let me step out that _I know where babies come from_. No, this has nothing to do with what Jess said, but it's nice to know that _you_ believe me to be the ten-year-old I promised everyone I _wasn't_ that day. Get over yourself. I _was_ mad that Jess knew about your pregnancy first but I gave up that grudge long ago and you know that. And Ella –right, Jess' friend? I'm _jealous_ of Jess and Ella, that you gave him the freedom to do something that you refuse to even acknowledge is my right –to be able to confide in my friends.

"No, Rory. This is about you wanting to control me. And whatever shame and guilt you're struggling with when it comes to Hannah –you want me to feel the _exact_ same thing. I'm dealing with this one day at a time, just like you. It's unbelievably hard sometimes, but I don't tell you about it because I don't want to burden you with my inner turmoil –you're dealing with enough. You know what makes the hard times worse? _Not being able to talk to anyone because you just don't want me to_. That's preschool logic Rory, and you know it.

"I'm not even talking about telling our deepest, darkest secrets to anyone who'll listen, I'm talking about telling my sister about our child. My sister! Not my parents –I'm with you on waiting to drop that bombshell. But Honour is my sister. We're close and I love her and she'd never bring this to Mitchum and Shira –or anyone- behind my back. I think you know it, too. There's nothing unreasonable about wanting to tell her. You trying to control me like a dog on a leash and using your struggles with postpartum to get away with it –that's downright unconscionable, Rory and I'm disgusted that you'd use that –and our daughter by extension, as a pawn in your game of denial, as a tool to test out just how much you can manipulate me.

"She's four months old, Rory. Hannah is four months old and you're still treating her like a dirty little secret. Why are you so ashamed of her? You _should_ be ashamed of _yourself_ ," Logan said, his quiet voice shaking with anger.

He sighed heavily and left her room, surprised to catch sight of Lorelai on the living room couch with Hannah as he crossed the kitchen doorway. "Hey. How long have you been home?" Logan asked nervously, walking over to the couch and kissing Hannah's head. Lorelai handed her to him as he sat down.

"About half an hour," Lorelai answered. "As soon as I headed to the kitchen I heard you and Rory going at it pretty fiercely in there. Figured it was best to stay far enough away that most of the yelling wouldn't make it to Hannah's sweet baby ears."

Logan let out a deep breath. "Thank you," he said earnestly. "I appreciate it."

"Yeah, of course," Lorelai said simply, offering him a friendly, sympathetic smile. "So, my guess in this scenario you're Rapunzel, wanting to be allowed to let your hair down so that you can let someone _other_ than your metaphorical evil stepmother in?"

"That's a weird analogy –but yeah, that about covers it. What do I do?"

"That," Lorelai said slowly, "I cannot tell you, pretty boy. All I know is you're either gonna bend to Rory's will or you're not. If you do, there's no telling how long or how deep that rabbit hole runs or how miserable you'll be making yourself for God knows how long. If you don't, well then you'll have to suffer the resulting rage of my daughter, but on the upside you'll finally have someone in your corner."

"So you were listening for long enough that you knew to keep Hannah away from the yelling, but you also knew what –and more specifically, who- we were fighting about?"

Lorelai nodded.

"What am I gonna do?" Logan whispered sadly.

"No one in this house is a fan of your parents; I, for one, am _glad_ that you want to wait a bit longer before telling them. But I don't know Honour, Logan –I don't know your sister. You've proven yourself to me and to Rory at every turn thus far, so if you believe you can confide in her…she's your sister, Logan. She's your sister. Especially when preparing to unleash this on your parents –whenever that happens- who better to have in your corner than your own sister? Those are just my thoughts. I can't tell you what to do here."

* * *

"Honour," Logan sighed heavily, "I need to talk to you."

"Logan?" Honour said drowsily. "You do realize it's six in the morning in San Francisco, right?"

"Shit… I –I forgot."

"You forgot where I live?"

"Momentarily –it appears that way."

"You sound hung over. Are you hung over?"

"No, I am not hung over! Jesus, Honour," Logan snapped.

"Well, if you're not hung over… you sound… sad –your last interjection notwithstanding. I can count on one hand the number of times in the last decade that you've sounded distinctly sad. What's going on, are you all right?" Honour asked, concerned.

"That's a –a complicated question. Are you alone?"

"Just give me a sec to sneak downstairs." Honour tiptoed out of her bedroom past a snoring Josh and walked softly down the hall, poking her nose in her children's bedrooms as she snuck by, to make sure they were still asleep and not downstairs watching cartoons. She crept down the back stairs and entered the kitchen. Turning on the coffeemaker and grabbing a mug, she finally spoke again. "Okay. I'm good. Are you finally going to tell me what's going on with you, Logan?"

"It's a long story."

"Well, it's six in the morning on a Sunday –Josh and the kids are still dead to the world and I put on some coffee. I'm essentially all alone here in my modest mansion of a home. I've got time."

"It's –Rory, she –"

"I knew it! I knew this had something to do with her!"

"Honour," Logan rolled his eyes, which he knew she could hear in his voice. "I'm trying to bare my soul here –do you mind?"

"Bare your soul," Honour repeated sarcastically, "this is serious."

"Yes. It is."

"I'm sorry, Logan. Really. Keep talking. What about Rory?"

"She –we… we were sleeping together. Recently. While I was with Odette –we, we were having an affair."

Honour closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She almost wished she were more shocked at this. She stayed silent, sensing that Logan had more to say.

"Can you –can you make some kind of noise –somehow acknowledge that you heard what I just said?"

"I heard you, Logan. Keep going. You're not done."

"Rory got pregnant, Honour," Logan whispered, his voice breaking and a lump rising in his throat. "I'm a father. I have a daughter. Her name is Hannah. She's four months old and –I love her so much. Rory's really struggling –she's seeing a therapist and it's like she's hiding. We've been fighting because she doesn't want me telling anyone in my life about this until _she's_ ready and I can't –I mean, I'm not chomping at the bit to tell Mom and Dad, but you –she's gonna be so mad when she finds out I told you, but I don't care. Honour, I'm a dad –I'm so fucking freaked out I could scream –I have to worry about Hannah and Rory and I just –I can't do it alone anymore," he blurted all of this out quickly and had to stop finally, to catch his breath.

Honour blinked hard, trying to process the information her brother had just given her. "Oh, Logan," she sighed. She wanted to say more, but she couldn't; her heart was breaking for Logan and how overwhelmed he was. Everything about how he'd been acting suddenly made sense. Honour wasn't mad to find out that her brother had a child –it occurred to her that maybe she should be, but she wasn't. What little he'd blurted out just now made it clear that whatever anger or disappointment she did feel was secondary to wanting to help him –somehow.

"That's it?" Logan asked, sucking in a sharp breath. "All you can say is 'Oh, Logan'?"

"I'm sorry," Honour said slowly, "I'm sorry if this is blunt, but –are you happy, Logan? About being a dad?"

"I love my daughter, Honour."

"Well then no, 'Oh, Logan' is not all I have to say. Congratulations, little brother," Honour said softly, smiling in her empty kitchen.

"Thanks. But Honour –what am I going to do? About _all_ of it?" Logan asked desperately.

"Logan. You want to be with Rory, even if she's going through a really dark time right now –if you didn't, you wouldn't have left Odette and uprooted your life. Is it going to work? You have no idea and that's the scary part. All you can do is keep doing what you've been doing –even if she's unfair and treats you like a punching bag, you stand firm." Honour took a deep breath. "I'm glad you told me, Logan."

"Me too," he admitted.

"We'll figure out how to tell Mom and Dad –I'll help you. If she –what's her name?"

"Hannah," Logan smiled.

"If Hannah's already four months…" she trailed off.

"I'm gonna have to tell Mom and Dad sooner rather than later, I know."

"We'll figure it out. This is why I told you to talk to me about whatever this was before you went to them."

"I know."

"Also –I'm coming out there."

"Out where?"

"Connecticut."

"Honour, you can't."

"Yes I can. We have a nanny for the kids and Josh can survive without me for a while. You need help, Logan. This is huge and you can't do it alone anymore. You _just_ told me that you couldn't do it alone anymore. You didn't call to chat. You called because you need me. You told me because you want my help. So, I'm coming to help," Honour said firmly.

"Rory's gonna –"

"She'll get over it. She'll have no choice. It's not like I'm going to pack a pitchfork in my carry on –Rory will eventually realize that I'm not there to kill her and she'll get over it. If she's got any brains left, she'll welcome the help. I'm a tough cookie; Rory doesn't scare me. You need help, Logan."

"What are you going to tell Josh and the kids?"

"The truth. That I'm visiting you for a week or so."

"What about Mom and Dad?"

"They're in London. I talk to them once a week at best. Do you think they'll give a damn where I'm spending the week? You think it makes a difference? I'm not telling them anything."

Logan sighed –partly out of relief, partly out of dread. "Honour…"

"Don't worry about throwing me to the wolves, Logan, I can hold my own. The wolves you're so worried about are my parents too, remember?" she assured him. "Where are you staying?"

"I rented an apartment in Stamford. I'm still rehabilitating the _Gazette_."

"Is there an extra bedroom for me?"

"Yeah, there is."

"Good. I'll call the airline today and get my flight booked. I'll call you back with the details."

"Honour, you really don't have to –"

"Stop it, Logan. This isn't a discussion. My mind is made up and _you_ certainly can't change it. We'll figure this out. We'll figure this out together."

"Okay. Thank you," he smiled.

"You're welcome. I'll call you back soon with details," Honour said calmly, before hanging up the phone and bursting into quiet tears.

Before this got better, it was going to get ugly, Honour knew. She had to be strong for Logan, which meant any uncertainty she felt, any breaking down she had to do –she needed to get it out of her system before she landed in Connecticut.

* * *

A few days after his latest fight with Rory, Logan texted a few pictures to Jess. He was biding his time in the entryway of Rory's house –waiting to cross the threshold of the kitchen, where she'd most likely be found, sitting at the table.

Within days of that explosive conversation amongst the three of them in Dr. Bowman's office –as promised- Logan had started sending Jess a few pictures of Hannah, twice a week or so. Jess rarely responded but to say a monosyllabic thank you, but Logan never really expected anything more. Small steps. Jess never once told him to _stop_ sending them, therefore Logan knew they were appreciated. It was a fine line, finding the balance between sending Jess enough that he could start to feel included in baby Hannah's life, and over-saturating him with it –throwing her in his face.

In the weeks since that tense therapy session, Jess got all his Hannah information from Logan. He asked after Rory sometimes, to see how she was doing, but as far as Logan knew, Jess was still keeping a pretty wide berth from everything. If Jess and Rory had exchanged anything more than a few sentences since that day, he'd be surprised.

Even Logan's texts to Jess –they were all pictures, maybe a few _very_ short videos, with explanations where necessary; but no actual conversation took place between the two men. Jess clearly needed space; Logan was happy he was starting to engage with Hannah a tiny bit, or at least know what was happening –but Jess was right to need space and Logan respected that. Truthfully, he was a little jealous of the minimum safe distance Jess was able to keep from this ever-complicated mess –Logan envied it sometimes.

"Ace," he sighed, finally walking into Rory's kitchen slowly, "we need to talk."

"So talk," Rory mumbled, remaining focused on pulling a Pop Tart into tiny pieces.

"I'm sorry –I know you're having a hard time. But Rory –you can't –we can't sweep our daughter under the rug. Sooner or later, we're going to have to own our parenthood beyond the confines of Stars Hollow. I know it's scary and you don't think you're ready, but it's not fair to me –to Hannah, to treat her like some secret you're ashamed of. You love her. I know you do. So why is owning your motherhood for the great wide world to see _so_ impossible for you to imagine?"

"It's not –it's just – _I_ can barely deal with the reality that I'm a mom, much less _how_ I became one. I used to have a very set picture of what my life was going to be and who I was going to become – _none_ of those things have happened, Logan –not one thing. I'm not trying to hide Hannah, I'm just not ready to broadcast her."

"But Rory, she's our daughter, not a pimple you can cover up until it disappears. You don't have to tattoo _I'm a mother_ on your forehead, but you can't hide in this house, or in this town waiting to be ready to own it. If you do that, you're going to waste away here. Do you think that's what _your_ mom did? You may not be ready to be a mother, Rory –but you are one. You have a child _. Our_ daughter depends on you. I don't give a fuck how much you have to fake it till you make it, but you have to –if that's what it comes to, you _have to_ pretend that you're stronger than you are. Not for you. For Hannah. You want to do right by her, don't you?"

"You know I do."

"So, fake it. Fucking fake it, Rory. Hiding away in here and wallowing isn't going to accomplish anything and if you want our daughter to have _any_ kind of life –she picks up on everything you do, even now. You have to fake it –for her sake. She's four months old; I thought you would be a little better by now…"

Rory glared at Logan.

"I don't mean –I just –I thought you wouldn't be feeling so much of the struggle. I know it's a process and you are doing better, so I just thought that would've affected your impulse to hide."

"I'm not hiding."

"But you are, Ace –you can't even see it! That's part of the problem."

"Don't tell me what my problems are. You have no idea what my problems are," Rory whispered sharply.

"Of course I don't –because that would mean you'd have to actually communicate with me. But you don't. Not anymore. Not for a very long time. You just want me to bend, just keep on bending to what _you_ want, what _you_ need. I'm fine with that. You're the mother of my child. I love you.

"Do you think I _like_ seeing you this way? Do you think I _enjoy_ watching you shrink into yourself, cry over Jess and then look at our daughter like she's a mistake you wish you could erase?" Logan asked sharply, his voice rising. "I don't like any of it Rory, but I'm trying –I'm trying so hard to be what you need **.** Do you think I _don't_ feel some of what you're feeling? You think this is what I thought my life would be? No, it isn't –but I'm bending over backwards to make the best of this. What happens when you push me to bend too far –what if I break, huh? Are you gonna help me put myself back together?

"Do you have any idea what it's like for me –trying to make sense of what my life is now, trying to be there for you –having to worry about you the same way I worry about our _baby daughter_? No! You damn well don't! Because that would mean you'd have to give a damn about someone other than your _fucking_ self.

"I'm not trying to delegitimize what you're going through, but it wouldn't kill you to open up your God damn eyes and look around every once and a while. You can't trade in our kid, so you'd better wake the hell up soon –you may hate it, but this is your life now. And if you want it to get better, if you want it to be easier and happier then _you_ need to fucking do something about it! You told me yourself that Hannah deserves better –so fake it Rory. You say she deserves better? Be. Fucking. Better. For her. Be. Better. Damn it!" Logan screamed.

"I'm trying," Rory said shakily.

"I know," he said, softening his tone. "But you just –it seems like so much time is spent on talking about me, talking about Jess –maybe you should give us dudes a rest for a week or two and talk about some stuff you're having trouble with that has nothing to do with The Great Logan/Jess Debate.

"You're hiding, Rory; you're hiding your child and you want me to hide with you. That's not normal –even with everything you're going through, it doesn't seem normal to me. I can't keep bending over backwards to help you and do everything the way you want me to do it. I'm not trying to air out our problems to the world, Ace. But it's unfair to expect me to bear this burden all by myself just because you don't want to broadcast it yet. You have everyone in this town supporting you and still looking at me sideways. Who do I have to support me? No one who doesn't look at me sideways, that's for sure. It's not fair."

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, I –"

"I told Honour."

"You –you what?"

"I told Honour –about you, about us –about Hannah. I told her about our daughter," Logan said evenly. "And I'm not sorry. She's my sister. She will not betray my trust; she won't tell anyone else."

"Fine," Rory sighed, too tired to keep fighting him on this.

"Also –"

"Also?"

"She's… coming out here."

"What the hell for?!"

"To help."

"Me? Or you?"

"Both –probably?" Logan answered with a shrug.

In Rory's bedroom, Hannah started to cry –loudly.

"I don't want your sister's help," Rory said curtly. "I have to feed her. You should go."

"But I just got here."

"I know. I'm sorry. But I'm tired. Once I've fed Hannah, I'm probably just going to go to sleep."

"Okay," Logan said quietly, kissing Rory's forehead.

"When does Honour get here?" she whispered, swallowing the lump of panic in her throat.

"Tomorrow night. She's staying with me. For a week."

"Fine. I don't know if –but, I don't want here. Like, in the house –in my space."

"Sure. Okay," Logan sighed in exasperation.

"You should go, Logan. Can you come by tomorrow, before Honour comes?"

"Yeah. I think so."

"I'm seeing Dr. Bowman at one."

"I'll drive you."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Goodnight, Ace."

"Goodnight, Logan. I'm –I'm sorry," Rory said in a very small voice. "I really am trying. I know I'm awful, I –"

"Shh… it's okay," Logan whispered. "Can I say goodnight to Hannah too –before I go?" he asked, slowly following Rory into her bedroom.

* * *

"He told his sister," Rory sighed in her appointment the next day.

"Who told his sister about what?" Dr. Bowman asked.

"Logan."

"What did he tell his sister?"

"About Hannah."

"I'm sorry –Rory, do you mean to tell me that your daughter is four months old and _no one_ in Logan's immediate family or inner circle knows that he's a father? Because that's what it sounds like."

"Well, I haven't been ready for him to –"

"But Rory –Hannah's Logan's daughter too."

"I know. I know! I'm an awful person –I know. But she's also coming here."

"Who's coming here?"

"Logan's sister!"

"Rory," Dr. Bowman said evenly, "you've told me a bit about your contentious history with Logan's parents, so I could understand this level of… hysteria, if they were coming. But, they're not, are they?"

"No," Rory said quietly.

"And Logan's sister –do you like her? Have the two of you gotten along in the past?"

"Well enough, yeah. I like her."

"And she likes you?"

"I assume she still likes me, yeah."

"Do you have any of the same issues with his sister that you have with his parents?"

"No."

"Well, it's only natural that Logan needs –and indeed has- a support system of his own in all this. In all likelihood, his sister will be here to help and support the two of you –not judge you."

"You're –probably right? I mean, I guess –yeah."

"Help me understand, Rory."

"Understand what?"

"Why the idea of Logan's sister being here for a short time is so upsetting to you. Why it is that Logan having a support system of his own, to help him, is a notion that bothers you so much. Why are you so scared to relinquish this tiny bit of control over something that should be his decision –his right?"


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys! Life has been kicking my ass. Consider this latest wait to be a practice test for come fall when I'm back at school and super busy. Waits like this might be more common, sadly.

"How are you little brother… really?" Honour asked softly when she'd finished squaring away some of her belongings in Logan's spare bedroom. Seventy-two hours after he'd called her, she was there.

"You're gonna have to be a little more specific. I've kinda had a lot going on."

"Pick your poison."

Logan sighed heavily. "I know what you must be thinking about my… choices that got me into all this. But I –you have no idea how close Rory came to not even telling me that she was pregnant."

"You're kidding!"

He rolled his eyes at his sister skeptically.

"I see your point –but I do wish I was more shocked that she was considering keeping it from you. Hell –I wish I was more shocked at _all of_ this, really. But I don't understand, if she was that close to not telling you at all, what on earth changed her mind?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. If I ever do tell you, that's a story for another day. The point is –I'm _so_ glad she did."

Honour did some mental math. "You say Hannah's four months old?"

"Just."

"But Logan –you didn't break up with Odette until almost midway through July. I'm assuming Rory told you she was pregnant around January, considering that's when you picked up and left London, bound for Stamford. If Rory told you she was pregnant in January… you didn't break up with Odette until _July_. If you were really _so glad_ that Rory told you about the pregnancy, why would you –"

"I know –when you look at it that way, a very strong argument could be made for me being a horrible person. And hell –maybe I was. Rory and I fought about it regularly and she was right to be mad –I was –I am in love with her and yet I stayed with Odette until only about a week before I found out Hannah was mine. But I didn't expect _any_ of this to happen –I didn't deal with it well; I'm an imperfect person, okay?"

Honour found that the more Logan told her, the more questions she had. She did the math in her head again and realized what her brother was saying. "Wait –you didn't find out you were Hannah's dad until after she was born? How's that even –? Does Odette know?"

"No, she doesn't. I'd prefer to keep it that way. I've already broken her heart –there's no need to add insult to that injury. As for the paternity thing, that's another story for a different day – _maybe_ ," Logan said wearily. "The short version is, there was another guy she had a onetime fling with and the timing made the issue of paternity… unclear. Now –drop this specific thread of the conversation. Please," he warned her, a little severely.

"Okay," Honour relented easily, knowing that tone in her brother's voice all too well. "Talk to me Logan. It's me. I'm not Dad, I'm not Mom and I'm not your idiot friends. I'm me –your big sister. It was always just you and me against the world –and more specifically, Mom and Dad sometimes. Tell me what's going on with you –in your head, in your day-to-day since this huge thing happened and _has been_ happening. Talk to me –let me help you, even if it's just to be an outlet for everything you're feeling, which I'm guessing is not an uncomplicated matter. Let me help you."

"I don't even know where to start. I just –I'm still kinda dazed, you know? Like, I can't believe this is happening? But –but then there are other times –most of the time- I know, this is what's in front of me, this is what's happening. I'm sure I have countless complicated feelings, but I hardly notice them because –because, Rory, she's –" Logan stopped short. "It's really bad," he said quietly, "Rory can't see how –but, but she's in a really dark place. I'd have a better time adjusting to fatherhood if I didn't have that to worry about."

"Rory's got postpartum, then?"

"Yeah, and she's in as bad a state of denial as I've ever seen. That's why she's trying to control everything –me- that's why she's hiding away. She lost control of her life big time and she ended up having this happen; so now, too little, too late she's trying to keep a tight noose around everything and it's backfiring. I'm sure on some level she knows she's being selfish and unreasonable, but that doesn't stop her; she has no compunction or second thought –she just keeps devolving down the same path. She's starting to work through separating her shame and denial from Hannah's existence –she loves our daughter, she'd never do anything to directly harm her- but she can't seem to come to terms with her actions enough to realize the damage she's doing, the bridges she's slowly but steadily burning. She'll just keep pushing everyone away until she's alienated every last person who wants to help her –every last person who's trying and has been trying to help her. She won't realize it until it's too late."

"Is she talking to someone?"

"Yeah. The therapist is –she's good, she's good at her job. But if Rory won't talk about why she's doing what she's doing –if she decides not to let the therapist in, how much help can she be?"

Honour sighed. "I'm –this seems pretty impossible."

"Yeah," Logan chuckled sadly, staring at his hands. "The funny thing is –I think, even now, after all the mistakes we made, we could be happy, you know? You'd think that hearing that I fathered a child would make me want to run for the hills, but I didn't –I don't. I'm not saying that impulse won't hit me later, but –I was surprisingly okay with it, I am okay with it. If Rory could just start climbing out of this hole she's in –I'm not saying I see white picket fences in our future, but if we could work _together_ on this, I feel like we might be okay, you know? We might be okay and we might even be able to escape doing permanent damage to our kid. Maybe."

"That's still possible, Logan."

"It seems highly unlikely at this point. You know what's scary? Telling Mom and Dad about this may not be something I'm itching to do and even though I know we have to do it soon –it's pretty much the least of my worries."

"That does seem like a rather sobering piece of truth, I grant you," Honour laughed softly. "I'm glad you told me."

"Rory's gonna kill me."

"Logan, she won't. She can't possibly. You have a child. She can't expect to hide it forever –it's a child, not a lipstick you can shove in your pocket and shoplift without getting caught."

"Yeah, but there's nothing to stop her from being in denial about everything else for who knows how long. She won't mean to take any of it out on Hannah, but eventually –eventually, if she doesn't get a handle on this stuff –I'm her punching bag right now, but eventually Hannah will be next."

Honour took a deep breath and steeled herself to pose a question she knew her brother wouldn't want to hear. "Logan, I know very little about what's going on here, really. I don't mean this to pass judgement, or to assume I know all of the delicate ins and outs of this situation. Only you can speak to what it's really like and only you understand the subtle details –you're the only one who can comment on how bad what Rory's going through really is…"

"What are you getting at, sis?"

"You just said you're Rory's punching bag right now and you know Hannah could be next. I'm not trying to imply Rory doesn't love Hannah, or that she would do anything to harm her –"

"She wouldn't. There's no way. Rory's going through a lot and she's a mess –but the issue is not a lack of love for Hannah. It never was."

"Okay. But Logan –that doesn't mean you won't need to protect Hannah from what Rory's going through."

"What do you mean?" Logan asked, even though he was pretty sure he knew what his sister was getting at.

"If Rory doesn't start making progress soon –and again, only you understand what true positive progress for her would entail- you said it yourself, eventually she'll start taking stuff out on Hannah. Whether she means to or not, this will start affecting Rory's ability to be the kind of mother Hannah needs her to be. You're going to have to be prepared to take action –do something to make sure your daughter's protected while Rory sorts herself out. It may be that Rory will _need_ some kind of boundary to be drawn, or limit to be set in order to heal properly –I don't know. But you need to start thinking about what you're prepared to do, to protect your daughter and do what's best for her –and Rory- if things don't start getting better on their own," Honour said carefully. "Even if it's hard, or painful in the short term, you have to start thinking about how long you'll let this devolve before you reach some kind of limit and step in to shield Hannah from the fallout."

* * *

"You need to get out more," Greg chuckled.

The sound of his friend's voice made Jess jump out of his skin. His phone slipped out of his hand and landed with a thud, face up on the floor. "Jesus, Greggers! Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"No, _Grandpa_. My God, my voice is a totally normal volume –you should turn your hearing aid up there, pops."

"Very funny."

"Sorry I scared you," Greg said with a bemused smile. He stepped forward to pick up Jess' phone, which he'd flung with such force that it landed impressively close to where Greg was standing in the doorway. "What are you staring at with such rapt attention anyway? Is it porn? It's porn, isn't it?"

Jess felt the blood drain from his face. "Normally, I'd think that was very funny and I'd have a comeback prepared about how at least I'm looking at porn on my own cellphone rather than company computers –but you are so _very_ wrong. Do you see how pale my face is, pretty boy? Go on, it's right at your feet –pick my phone up and let the shame and disgust sink in."

Greg cocked his head quizzically at Jess before bending down to get the phone; when he did, he found a small, rosy cheeked baby staring back at him with piercing steel grey eyes. The child's face was strangely captivating –even though it was a still picture, Greg paused, half expecting the baby to laugh or scream at the sight of him. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Whose kid is that?"

"Rory's daughter. Hannah." When Jess said Hannah's name now, he only felt a dull, hollow ache –imperceptible to an outsider's observation, but still surprisingly stubborn and determined not to leave him in peace just yet.

"That's one good looking kid."

"Yup," Jess sighed. "Did you interrupt my blissful silence for a reason, Greggers?"

Greg blushed slightly in embarrassment when he realized the answer. "No," he admitted, "not really. You just seem –more monosyllabic than usual. I said what I wanted to say, which is that you should get out more. You're thirty-three, not eighty-three."

"Thanks for the tip."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Can I have my phone back please?"

"You're sure?" Greg asked again, handing Jess his phone.

"Greggers. I'm fine. When have you known me to be a crazy party animal or give an actual shit how much I 'get out'?" Jess asked with a sarcastic smirk.

"Never."

"Exactly. Look, I appreciate the concern –but don't lose sleep over the state of my social life, I beg you. It's not worth it."

"I'm not _losing sleep_ over it Jess, Jesus. I'm just saying. I'm showing concern because I care. In civilized circles, it's what friends do for one another."

"Really? Is it? Golly! I had no idea! Thanks for telling me!"

"Asshole."

"Thirty-three years running. You wanna know how 'asshole' is actually spelled? M-A-R-I-A-N-O."

"Don't sell yourself short," Greg laughed.

"I'm not. Quite the opposite –insisting that my name is the true definition of 'asshole' requires quite a lot of hubris, actually," Jess grinned.

"Touché."

"You should get going home, before your little lady starts worrying."

"I'm going to tell her you said that."

"I beg of you not to."

"Because she'll kick your ass?"

"All over this office. Kristen has very effective fists for such a tiny person."

"She's very proud of her effective but tiny fists."

"As well she should be –they're impressive."

"Hey, whatever happened with Audrey?" Greg asked suddenly.

"What? Where the hell did that come from?" Jess asked in surprise.

Greg shrugged innocently. "She showed up here back in the spring pretty determined to talk to you. I'm assuming you did –talk to her?"

"Yeah," Jess said slowly, "I did. Why?"

"No reason –I just, your relationship with her goes back before I even knew you. You guys moved in together when this office first opened…"

"Thanks for the recap –I was there, I remember. What's your point?"

"You guys were fine –and then it was just… over."

"That's kind of our pattern –nothing new."

"I guess I just thought it meant something –I wasn't expecting to see her here once like that and then not again, that's all."

"Stop beating around the bush. Say what you wanna say, and say it like a man."

Greg sighed and smiled sympathetically. "I'm married. Bry's married. Matt and Chris have girlfriends. Rory has a daughter. Even Ella's got a good, _not_ insane guy that she's very happy with who's probably not going away any time soon."

"And you're worried I'm gonna die alone?" Jess challenged sarcastically.

"I'm just saying –you and Audrey are good together. I have no idea what happened between you two and far be it for me to stick my nose where it doesn't belong, she's your ex and it's your business. I'm just saying."

"I hear you, Greggers. But Audrey and me –I can't speak for her, but a lot has happened to me since we broke up. I'm a different guy. I love her –but I'm a different guy. I might not be the right guy for her anymore," he sighed. "I don't know if I'm the right guy for her anymore and if I don't know that, I shouldn't be calling her. Audrey and I can't just 'date', it's an automatic commitment at this point –a huge one. Unless I'm positive that's a commitment I want to make, that I can make, I have no business calling her. I'm not _not_ calling her to punish myself, I promise."

"Fair enough. I'll leave you to it. See you in the morning, Jess," Greg smiled.

"Hey Greggers!" Jess called after him as he turned away.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, asshole," Greg laughed.

"M-A-R-I-A-N-O," Jess winked.

* * *

Honour had been staying with Logan for two days. She hadn't asked to see Rory yet, but Logan knew that Honour's "She's a big girl, she'll just have to deal with it," speech was coming. If he knew his sister, tomorrow would be the day she broached the topic and by the day after that, she'd expect him to deliver.

Logan was glad that Honour was so concerned for him rather than being preoccupied with Rory, or busy wagging her finger at him for getting into such a mess. He was relieved to finally have someone on his side. She was mad, that he didn't doubt –even though she hadn't so much as hinted at any sense of anger- but rather, he was counting his blessings that her concern for him and her desire to help outweighed any rage she might be feeling at the moment.

Sleep had been eluding him since his sister had arrived; and unlike his carefree days at Yale, he couldn't feign oblivion. Logan knew exactly what was keeping him up at night. Honour asked him what he was willing to do, to protect Hannah from suffering because of Rory's ongoing struggles. He wasn't losing sleep because he didn't have the answer –he was losing sleep because he did. Logan knew that this was something he'd have to be prepared to do for no insignificant period of time –weeks, maybe even months; even if Rory started making real positive strides tomorrow, dealing with her issues properly wasn't going to happen overnight.

It took him genuinely by surprise, what Logan had to admit to himself that he was willing to do in order to protect his daughter. Had Honour not posed the question, he'd never be faced with having to admit it to himself in this way, or force himself to imagine how things would play out if he actually had to do it –which at this point wasn't as unlikely a circumstance as he wished it were.

Logan had no real predilection for religion of any kind, he was hardly a man of any faith; and yet, as he finally drifted off to sleep that night, he found himself praying that what he was prepared to do was never anything he'd actually _need_ to do.

* * *

"What's up, Luke?"

"Nothing –nothing," Luke stammered. "Nothing."

"So –definitely something," Jess chuckled.

"I'm just calling to say hi, Jess."

"Hi, Luke."

There was dead silence.

"Anything else, uncle dearest?"

After another long stretch of silence, Luke took a deep breath. "I just –I'm putting together numbers for Thanksgiving. I need a head count so I know what size turkey to order, how many yams to buy… that kinda thing. So –so do you think you're gonna make it? I know you haven't spent Thanksgiving in Stars Hollow since you were eighteen, but last year we were saying –you brought it up actually, so imagine how close I was to having a heart attack –anyway, you mentioned that you might be into spending next Thanksgiving together, even though I still lived in Stars Hollow and would be married to Lorelai for almost a year by then… do you remember having this conversation, before you told me I was Rande Gerber hot and Kirk came in screaming? Because we did have that conversation –you did say it might be nice to spend next Thanksgiving here and have dinner with us. I know your whole life's been turned upside down since then and you and Rory still aren't –and here, in the house I share with Lorelai and Rory and… and the baby is maybe the last place in the universe you want to be, and I'm including the seventh circle of hell in my definition of the universe. But since 'next Thanksgiving' is now this Thanksgiving, I thought I'd –check."

"Wow. Have you been drinking Lorelai's coffee?"

"I sometimes rant when I'm nervous."

"Clearly."

"So…"

"You remember me telling you that you were Rande Gerber hot? Do you even know who Rande Gerber is?"

"He's married to some supermodel."

"Ah, so hell hasn't frozen over."

"What?"

"You asked Lorelai. If you knew yourself, you'd know which supermodel he's married to."

"I had to ask her! I needed to make sure you weren't firing some backhanded insult my way that you were banking I'd never pick up on!"

"Since when have my insults been more backhanded than obvious? Even the backhanded insults are obviously insulting, even if there's a reference in there that happens to go over your head."

"Jess!" Luke yelled in exasperation.

"Luke…" Jess said slowly.

"Thanksgiving?"

"Is five weeks away. Even you have no reason to be asking me this early. You don't need to order a turkey for another two weeks, at least and I'm _pretty_ sure Taylor stocks yams at that God awful market of his."

"I wanted to be sure I didn't spring it on you. I want you to have time to think about it," Luke admitted. "I wanted to give you enough time to make a decision and change it –multiple times over if necessary."

"I appreciate that," Jess said quietly.

"I won't take it personally if you decide you can't be here, you know."

"I know. Look, I'll think about it, okay? I'll let you know. You've given me enough time to think about it."

"Yes, I have."

"And that's what I need to do."

"Okay, Jess. I'm a free agent, I'm not trying to force you here for anyone's benefit –I'm not calling you for Rory."

"I know you're not, Luke. If I thought you were, I'd get in my car and drive to Stars Hollow right now just to punch you."

Luke laughed, relieved that Jess sounded so much like his old self.

"Hey Luke…"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you come and wake me?" Jess asked.

"What? When?"

"When you got married. You and Lorelai decided to have some super-secret wedding in the town square in the middle of the night and you didn't think to wake me? What –did you think I wouldn't care? That I wouldn't want my beauty sleep disturbed because Liz and TJ's couches are _that_ comfortable? If you were worried about arousing Liz's suspicions, you could've had Rory text me. You could've texted me _yourself_ –because somehow, against all laws of God and man, you do know how, I know you do. I would've thought that I would be on your very short list of guests to the real thing. Why the hell wasn't I? How is it that _Michel_ was standing behind you and I wasn't?"

"Jess…"

"It's fucked up, Luke. _You_ fucked up," Jess said sharply.

"I did," Luke sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry."

Jess sucked in a quick breath and blinked away angry tears. "Fine. I wanted to say my piece and now I've said it. You said you're sorry and I believe you. I won't harp on it."

"Why –why –you're clearly mad about this and you have every right to be, but if you're still _this_ mad, a year later, why in the world didn't you let me have it sooner? You're not one to hold in anger; just the opposite, you relish in letting it out. Why am I only hearing this from you now?"

"Yeah, I've been a little preoccupied –being mad at other things."

"Right. Of course."

"This will have no bearing on my decision about Thanksgiving. If I decide to stay away, it won't be because of you."

"I'm sorry, Jess," Luke repeated, sighing heavily.

"Yeah, I know," Jess mumbled. "I know you are. Look, I gotta go. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"

"Okay, bye Jess."

Jess disconnected the call and let his phone slip through his palm and land beside him on his bed. He picked up his hardcover copy of _For Whom The Bell Tolls_ and threw it at the wall with such force that the corner of the book chipped the paint.


	34. Chapter 34

"Ace, please," Logan said softly, "Honour just wants to help."

"I don't know why," Rory sighed.

"Maybe because I told her she has a niece and she wants to meet her. Come on, she's only here for a few more days."

"Yeah, okay. That's what she told _you_. As soon as you're not looking, she'll corner me and tear me to shreds."

"No she won't."

"She's a Huntzberger –of course she will."

Logan clenched his jaw and fought to keep his tone low and steady. "She's not my parents, Rory. She won't do that. If she were on a mission to tear people to shreds, she would've started with me. Do you think I'd let her near Hannah if I thought she'd just attack as soon as she saw you?"

Rory's expression seemed to soften as she realized that Logan had a point. She bit her bottom lip and looked at him nervously.

"I told her you didn't want her here –in Stars Hollow, in your house. She's fine with that. Just come, spend the weekend with me in Stamford. Please? She's respecting your wishes, Rory. She's not fighting you. You shouldn't fight her."

"Honour's already staying with you. Are you sure you have room for us too?"

"It'll be cozy, but yeah, there's room."

"Okay," Rory said quietly. "But Logan, if she –if I tell you I want to leave…"

"I'll bring you straight home. No questions asked," Logan promised. "What do you think, Nannah?" he cooed, looking at his daughter. "Wanna spend the weekend at Daddy's and meet Auntie Honour?"

Hannah locked eyes with Logan and giggled, her mouth filling with spit bubbles.

"Is that a yes?" he chuckled softly.

"Okay," Rory said.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

Logan breathed a sigh of relief and smiled widely. He ran his thumb across Rory's cheek and kissed her lips softly –quickly, so she wouldn't have time to pull away. "I only have one bed," he whispered.

"What?" Rory asked.

"In my bedroom. I have a queen. There's enough room for both of us, but if you're not comfortable with… I'll sleep on the couch."

"Logan, I…"

"Rory, I know. We'll just be sleeping."

"Okay. But, what about Hannah? Do you have anywhere for –"

"I bought a crib a few weeks ago, had it set up in my bedroom. Just in case. She's my daughter too, she should have somewhere to sleep at my place. I don't have anything else… just the crib."

Rory smiled. "That's okay. She'll be fine. I'll bring the rest of her stuff."

Lorelai walked into the kitchen and made them both jump. "Sorry guys," she said. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No," Logan assured her.

"Mom, I'm gonna spend the weekend with Logan in Stamford. Honour's here," Rory said in a tiny voice.

"Honour…" Lorelai repeated, trying to place the name.

"My sister," Logan said.

"Oh. Sure, okay."

"I'm gonna go –start getting Hannah's stuff together," Rory said, standing up from the chair and heading into her bedroom.

Lorelai caught Logan's eye and jerked her head to the side, wordlessly telling him to follow her into the living room. "Are you sure about this?" she asked in a whisper.

"Rory said yes, Lorelai. I'm not making her do anything," Logan answered.

"I find that surprising, given how much Rory likes hiding these days."

"Me too –but she agreed."

"When did you tell your sister?"

"About a week ago. I stopped caring –or listening- when Rory kept telling me not to. I can't live like that. I knew it might make her mad, but I –I needed to tell someone something. Honour's my sister, Lorelai…"

"Hey, I never said you didn't have the right. I'm actually surprised it took you this long to rebel. But Rory's super fragile… if she's walking into a hornet's nest –"

"She's not. Honour wouldn't. But if –if that happens, I'll bring Rory right back here. Honour just wants to help. This is good, Lorelai. Rory might not be thrilled about this and she might give my sister the cold shoulder and sleep with one eye open, but the fact that she agreed to –it's a good thing. Progress in the right direction."

"Yeah, I guess it is…" Lorelai said slowly.

"Look, I said the same thing to Rory –Hannah's my daughter too, if I thought Honour was going to attack Rory and treat Hannah like some abomination, I wouldn't suggest it, much less allow Honour to get away with it. And if I've misjudged my sister's intentions and that's what she does, Rory and Hannah will be back here faster than you can blink," Logan promised sincerely.

"Trusting you is still weird for me, you get that, right?"

"I do."

"And the fact that you're slowly proving yourself totally trustworthy is even weirder."

"Understandable."

"Okay then," Lorelai sighed.

"It'll be all right," Logan said.

"I hope so. I –I'm glad she agreed to go. I hope this is as good for her as it has the potential to be."

"Me too."

* * *

Honour would never forget the sight of Rory as she walked into Logan's apartment –she looked exhausted, timid and frightened, seeming to be startled by her unfamiliar surroundings. This was not the woman Honour remembered from ten years ago; she wondered when the Rory she remembered disappeared and this fragile one took her place.

At the sight of Honour, Rory instinctively clasped Hannah tighter to her chest. "Hi," she whispered, stopping as soon as she crossed the threshold.

"Hello Rory," Honour smiled, "it's been a long time."

"Yeah –yeah, it has. It's been a long time."

"Ace, it's okay," Logan said quietly, "she won't bite."

"He's right," Honour said. "I'm very well trained."

Rory knew this was meant as a joke, so she tried to laugh –but it ended up sounding like the laughter was a desperate attempt not to cry. "Sorry," she said breathlessly, "I'm just really tired. Logan, where's your room? Hannah's crib?"

"That door right there," Logan pointed over his sister's head to a doorway on the opposite side of the living room.

"I have to feed her, but then I want to lay down; so maybe, come with me now and take Hannah out to spend time with you and Honour while I sleep for a while?"

"Sure, Ace. You go get settled. I'll be right in." As Rory disappeared into Logan's bedroom, he turned to his sister. "Sorry, to leave you out here alone like this. I can't make her be sociable –it's a big enough deal that she's here at all."

Honour smiled and reached for her brother's hand. "It's okay Logan. Didn't you hear the second part of what Rory said? While she sleeps, she's okay with Hannah spending time with you and me. She offered, even –timid though it might have been, she did offer. And she seemed to do so genuinely. Even if she's skittish and unsure about being here, she's still _here_. She suggested that Hannah stay with you –and thereby spend time with me, too- while she sleeps. That's a _good_ thing. Even if the potential is there for her to regret it and get mildly hysterical when she wakes up and remembers Hannah's not beside her, it's still a good thing. Don't you dare worry about leaving me all alone here for what –half an hour? It's okay. Go to where you're needed. Go be a dad; go bond with your kid without having to fight for it. Enjoy the moment. I can wait."

Logan smiled gratefully at his sister and slipped quietly into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Half an hour later, he crept out of his room as quietly as he could, holding a sleeping Hannah tenderly in his arms. "Sorry that took so long," he whispered. "I wanted to wait until I knew Rory was asleep to leave the room. Then Nannah here started drifting, so I wanted to make sure I burped her and changed her before she actually fell asleep and I brought her out here. That way she's more likely to be calm when she wakes up –her waking up won't necessarily wake Rory up if she's calm and I want to let Rory sleep as long as she needs to."

"That makes sense. Her exhaustion is pretty plain to see. She seems like a scared wounded bird, almost. She's exhausted and she's stressed. She needs all the rest she can get."

"Yeah, I only wish I could get the rest I need," Logan sighed, sitting down on the couch beside Honour and rocking Hannah back and forth in his arms. He was unable to take his eyes off her face, so peaceful in sleep.

"She's beautiful, Logan. She really is," Honour whispered, gently reaching over to stroke Hannah's head delicately with her hand. She loved the feeling of the soft caramel coloured wisps of baby hair –that had only begun growing a few weeks before- the sensation of it tickled Honour's palm. "Can I –can I hold her?" she asked tentatively, suddenly feeling overcome with emotion.

Logan looked at her wearily through his drowsy, heavy-lidded brown eyes.

"Logan. Logan, please. You're exhausted too. Let me hold her."

Logan handed Hannah to Honour very carefully and within five minutes of his daughter being out of his arms, he drifted off to sleep on the couch beside his sister.

"Well. You're causing quite the stir, you know that, little one? Mommy's sad and Daddy's overwhelmed, but they both love you very much. I promise you, they do –yes, they do," Honour paused and kissed the baby's cheeks. She could see flashes of Hannah's steel grey eyes as they fluttered in her sleep. "Well, little Hannah, I'm your Auntie Honour and I can't tell you how happy I am to have a niece," she said quietly. Then she simply leaned back, just content to watch this beautiful baby sleep while Logan and Rory got some rest.

* * *

Rory woke up a few hours later and in her drowsy haze, she briefly forgot where she was. Her heart started to race as she looked around Logan's darkened bedroom and saw an empty crib in the corner. She sprang up to look –it was untouched, no baby was there, or ever had been. "Hannah!" Rory cried loudly, feeling a lump of panic rise in her throat. "Where are you? Hannah!"

Rory's desperate cries woke Logan and he rose from the couch to go into his bedroom. Just as he was about to open the door, it flung open and Rory was staring at him with wild eyes.

"Ace? What's –"

"Where is she?! Did something happen? Is she okay?"

"Ace, she's fine. You told me to take her while you slept, remember?"

"Well, _you_ don't have her."

"I fell asleep. She's with Honour, see?"

"She's fine, Rory," Honour said with a smile. "I promise. Content as could be."

"I told you to take her," Rory whispered to Logan sharply, "not give her to your sister while you pass out." She stomped over to Honour and took Hannah from her. "Thanks for watching her, but I've got her now," she said pointedly.

Honour sighed. "Rory," she said softly, "I'm not the enemy. You're terrified, aren't you?"

"I –I'm not –"

"Yes you are. You never wanted this. That's not to say you don't love your daughter –I know you do. But you never expected this to happen. In some way, on some level, you feel like it happened because you lost control, so now you want to control everything. You're scared of being a mother because you don't know how. How can you be a good mother when the reason you're in this position in the first place is because your life is spinning out of control, right? I have news for you Rory, _every_ mother feels that way, even the ones who plan painstakingly for children. You're worried that because you're a mess, your kid might be a mess too and that's the last thing you want. _Every_ mother worries about that to some degree. You're worried about Logan –what he's going to do, what you're going to do, how you're going to cope with this and what's going to become of your relationship. That's normal. You're right to be concerned. But you can't let it consume you. Don't make him the bad guy any more than he actually _is_. For right now, this moment –he's here, ready and willing. If he runs for the hills later –it sucks, but you deal with that when and if it comes."

"Honour I –"

"You're a mother, Rory. Hannah's your daughter, she's my brother's daughter. She always will be. You have to stop being angry at yourself enough to accept the fact that you're now and forever will be a parent. It won't always be easy. You and Logan will both struggle. I get it, the feeling that if you can just tightly control everything, it'll somehow be better, but it won't. You can't raise your daughter like Rapunzel, locked away in a tower. She deserves better. You know she does.

"The simple truth, Rory, is that you're a mom. And unique circumstances and stressors aside, _all_ moms need help. I'm not here to lecture you, or judge you, even though I know that's what you think I'll do. You know my parents, so your assumptions aren't ill-founded. But I'm not them. I'm here to offer my help, my understanding. Logan needs it and so do you. If you were smart, you'd take a few deep breaths and slowly warm up to the idea of _maybe_ letting me help. Because if you react this way to everyone –even people you have no reason to be suspicious of- one day you're going to wake up and find you have no one, because you've shut them all out. That's no way to raise a little girl.

"If you let me, Rory… I can help. I want to help, with anything I can. Eventually –soon- you guys are going to have to tell my parents and that'll go a lot easier if you let me in. I have two kids of my own, I'm full of wisdom that I'm more than happy to share. Let me help. Do you think you might be able to let me do that?"

"I –" Rory sighed and sunk down onto the couch. "She's fussy at night, even after a nice warm bath. She's always fussy. She almost never sleeps through the night. What can I do?" she asked timidly.

"She might not sleep fully through the night until she's closer to a year, but my kids –once they reached six months, it got better," Honour answered quietly.

"Six months?"

"Six months. In the meantime, have you ever tried using lavender oil or baby soap in her baths?"

"No."

"Lavender is naturally soothing. It can help babies –anyone, really- fall sleep. You can get lavender baby oil, lavender baby soap. Give it a try. It might help."

"Lavender. Okay. Thanks."

"Are you hungry, Ace?" Logan asked. "We can order in if you want."

"Yeah," Rory said. "Yeah, that'd be good."

Logan exchanged a hopeful smile with Honour. He was very, _very_ cautiously optimistic that maybe, this was a real step in the right direction.

* * *

"See, the weekend wasn't so bad, huh?" Logan smiled as he pulled into the Gilmore driveway on Sunday evening. "I told you, my sister just wants to help. I'm glad you talked to her, Ace, it's good."

"Yeah," Rory sighed. "Logan, you –you shouldn't have given Hannah to her."

"Wait –what?"

"Do you have any idea what it was like for me, to wake up in a strange bedroom and be stricken with panic like that?"

"Rory, you told me to take her while you slept. You told me that Honour and I could look after her."

"I know, but I didn't think you would just fall asleep and –"

"And let my sister touch our daughter? My sister, who's Hannah's aunt? My sister who has two kids of her own? You're being ridiculous. So, I'm not allowed to sleep now? Honour's not on the _Approved To Touch Hannah_ shortlist? You talked to her, you asked her questions. She gave you advice. She was patient and kind to you –and to Hannah. Why are you acting like this, just because my sister held her? What the hell is your problem?"

"Logan, I'm sorry, I just –"

"I thought this weekend was a step in a positive direction. But it's right back to this? Hannah can't exist in a bubble of your design, Rory."

"I'm trying. I really am."

"No you're not."

"I stayed with you all weekend. I talked to your sister. I'm getting better. I'm _trying_."

"Not hard enough," Logan muttered under his breath.

"Can you really not understand why it _might_ upset me to wake up in a strange apartment and find your sister holding our daughter when _you_ were supposed to have her?" Rory asked desperately.

"Given that I was right next to my sister on the couch, and _she's my sister_ and not Cruella de Vil, no, I really can't. You're being completely irrational. You can't keep doing this. It has to stop. You say you're getting better and you are, but you have to break this cycle Rory. You have to actually work to break it instead of just saying you are. This is no way to live. It's no environment to subject our daughter to. You have to start really trying –wanting- to stop this crap you're pulling –hiding Hannah like a leper, refusing to let people touch her –people you know you can trust."

"I'm not –"

"Yes you damn well are!"

"Your sister isn't –"

"Don't. I'm warning you. Do _not_ finish that sentence, or I swear to God, I'll –"

"You'll what? What will you do, Logan? Huh? What're you going to do?"

"If you keep doing this Rory –hiding away like this, losing your goddamn mind when one hair is out of place or someone touches her when you don't want them to –I told you, that's no way to raise _our_ daughter. I won't let you. I won't let you make her suffer _way_ more than she has to because you have stuff you're just flat out refusing to even _try_ to come to terms with."

"You won't _let me_ raise our daughter?"

"Not like this, no. You're damn right I won't. The longer this goes on, the longer you let this go without even _trying_ to address it, the better the chances are that it could continue for _years_! Long enough to seriously fuck up our daughter –our beautiful, innocent daughter. You're damn right I won't let that happen."

"What are you saying?" Rory asked, fighting back tears.

Logan looked at Rory with sad desperate eyes. "I'm saying I'll take her away, Ace. I'll –I'll go stay with Honour in California, give you the time and space you need to work on yourself. If you can't start doing that now, with Hannah here, I'll take her away if I have to.

"I'd call you, Skype you, whatever _all the time_. This wouldn't be me disappearing and refusing to let you see her ever again. But you're not in a good place. And unless you can start trying to find your way out of the dark –I mean like _really trying_ \- then I have to protect Hannah. I have to make sure she doesn't get hurt while you deal with whatever this is."

"You can't. You can't take her away. I love her."

"I know you do. But I can. And I will, if I have to."

"Logan," Rory cried. "No."

"Do you think I _want_ to have to do this?" Logan whispered, swallowing a lump in his throat. "Do you think I _want_ to take our daughter away from you? I don't, Rory. But if I have to, yes, I will. Someone has to protect her. Maybe you need to be separated from her to really get better –not because you don't love her, but maybe that's just what you need. It might be better this way –" he stopped short to let out a shaky breath. "If this is what needs to be done, it's better that it happens now, when she's –when she's too young to –when she won't remember.

"Think about how much worse it would be, if God forbid this went on for years and she's old enough to remember. It could really, really damage her. Do you want that? Do you want her growing up, and having some of her first memories being ones that are wracked with shame, or doubt, wondering if Mommy loves her and why Mommy keeps her hidden away? That's not who you are. What's happening to you right now isn't who you are, Rory. Is this the woman you want our daughter to associate with her mother? She will, if this goes on for long enough that she sees it happen and remembers it –this will be the first association that Hannah consciously makes with who her mom is.

"If you do need space to really get better and I'm too scared to give you that space until a year or two from now, Hannah will suffer so much more for it. Maybe for the rest of her life. I can't live with that. It's hard, but you know –you know, Ace- that if this is what needs to happen so that you can get better and be the kind of mother I know you are in your heart, so that you can raise Hannah with all the love she deserves, it's better that it happens now, when she's too young to remember that anything bad happened. We'll have to bear that burden; we'll have to live with it and I'm not saying it'll be easy, but at least we'll know we spared our daughter _so much_ potential pain in her formative years. We'll have to bear those scars but it'll be worth it, knowing we saved Hannah from having to deal with them.

"Ace –you know I'm right. I'm sorry it's so hurtful, but you know it's the truth. If there's any silver lining to needing to do something so drastic, it's knowing that we have time to do it –that you have time to really work through your demons and Hannah –she doesn't have to suffer while Mom gets better," Logan whispered, tears finally escaping his eyes and rolling down his cheeks.

"I –I don't want to be like this," Rory sobbed. "And I hate you! I hate that you're right. Logan, I don't want you to take her away. I don't want to force you to do that –please don't."

"Then fight, Rory. Put in the work and fight like hell. But I'm Hannah's father –if I think I have to, if I think I have no other choice then I _will_ take her to California and stay with Honour until you can make sense of what's going on with you."

* * *

"So you spent the whole weekend in Stamford, with Logan and his sister? How was it?"

"Fine. I –she was really nice, actually, which is weird because she has every reason to hate me and be awful, but she wasn't. She was nice –kind. She gave me some good advice."

"Rory, this is wonderful," Dr. Bowman smiled. "This is great progress."

"Yeah, except…"

"Except?"

"It was, but it wasn't. I –I fed Hannah when I first got to Logan's and laid down after. I told Logan to take Hannah, so that she could spend time with him and Honour while I slept. But I'd never been to his apartment before and I –when I woke up, I forgot where I was for a second," Rory explained.

"That's normal, waking up in unfamiliar surroundings can be disorienting, especially with your fatigue and stress levels."

"Yeah, but I –I panicked. I forgot in that instant, where Hannah was. I –I came out of the bedroom and saw that Logan fell asleep on the couch next to his sister. Honour was holding Hannah, and I kinda lost it."

"You didn't want Honour holding her?"

"No, I _really_ didn't. I got mad –I basically yelled at Logan for falling asleep."

"I see. Well…"

"I brought it up again on Sunday night when he drove me home and he wasn't having any of it. He got really mad."

"Can you understand why he was upset?"

"Yes," Rory cried.

"Why are you crying Rory?" Dr. Bowman asked.

"Logan –he –he said he'd take Hannah away if I can't get better. If I can't stop hiding her and trying to control everything he'll –he'll take her away so that I can have time and space to get better. To protect her –he'd take her away to protect her, from me! It's better, he said, if this has to be done that it's done when she's young enough that she won't remember –that it won't scar her."

"Was he threatening you?"

"No. He said he'd stay in touch, that he –he wasn't trying to steal her from me. He's going to go all the way to California to stay with his sister! He can't! He can't take Hannah all the way to California! If he really feels like he has no choice, he will. I know he will, and he can't!"

"It sounds like he did a good job of explaining his rationale. You seem to understand why he feels like this is something he might need to do."

"I do. And I hate him!"

"Do you really hate him? Or do you hate the situation, Rory? Do you hate Logan, or do you hate the idea that what he's willing to do might actually be necessary? Do you think he's acting rashly, out of anger?"

"No, no he's not. I don't hate _him_. I hate –I hate that I understand. I hate that he's right. I hate that I can't hate him. He shouldn't have to take her away so that I can get better, it isn't fair."

"It isn't fair to whom?"

"Me. Him. He shouldn't have to live with –be prepared to do something so drastic. It isn't fair. But he –it's the right thing. But he shouldn't have to! I don't want him to! He shouldn't have to do that to protect Hannah from –from me," Rory sobbed. "It isn't fair. Help me. Please Dr. Bowman! I love my daughter and I don't want to be like this anymore. Logan shouldn't have to take her away. Please help me."

"Okay Rory," Dr. Bowman said slowly, offering her a tissue box. "This isn't going to be easy, or instantaneous. You do understand that what Logan's prepared to do –the potential is there for him to make that decision at any point. As Hannah's father, he has the right to make decisions regarding her welfare. He _can_ take her to California. That reality doesn't go away because you say you want to change, it only goes away if you can show him you're trying, that you _are_ changing, for the better."

"I know."

"Okay then. Let's get started."

* * *

At the very same time that Rory was turning over a new leaf in her therapist's office, Logan's hand shook as he dialed a phone number; he could barely hear the ringing over the sound of his frantic heartbeat in his ears.

"Hello?"

"Jess. It's Logan. We need to talk."

"What? Why? Did something happen?"

"No. But something might, and out of respect for you and –I know you love Hannah. The last thing I want is for you to decide you're ready to start spending time with her and find that she might not be around."

"What the _fuck_ are you talking about, Logan?"

"Jess, I know you understand the impulse to protect that little girl at all costs –to do everything humanly possible to keep her safe, shield her from harm. I know you do. And I respect it. That's why, once I explain, I know you'll understand."

"You're starting to freak me out. What the fuck are you saying? What are you so sure I'll understand?"

"You don't need to be freaked out. But you should sit down."

"I am sitting down. And I'm alone and my office door is shut. Now, I'm going to ask you nicely one more time. What. The fuck. Is going on?"

"You can never tell Rory we had this conversation. I know we've said that about lame things but this –this isn't that. Promise me, Jess. Rory can't know. Ever."

"You have my word Logan –but you're _really_ trying my patience here. Will you, please, just tell me what's happening?"

Logan took a deep breath. "Okay, well…"


	35. Chapter 35

"So Rory's been… hiding? This whole time?" Jess asked slowly. He was getting a lot of information from Logan; a lot of it made sense, but he wanted to make sure he understood. "Because she's, what –ashamed of herself? It's not Hannah… I –I know I haven't been around in a while, but she loves Hannah."

"She's ashamed of herself, that's what the issue is. She's not ashamed of Hannah and she loves her with all her heart, but it seems like she can't totally separate the –it's like Hannah's a reminder of the mess she made of her life –or something, I don't know," Logan sighed. "She's not ashamed of _Hannah_ , she's ashamed of herself. It's like she –"

"She thinks that by owning her motherhood free and clear –she can't, because it's like Hannah represents Rory's scarlet _A_ ," Jess paused. "Sorry, I didn't mean to…"

"What? Oh God, no. Don't even worry about that. But yeah, that's pretty much what's going on. Rory doesn't go out, except to see Lane. She works a bit on the papers if she has energy, but. She doesn't want guests over, or help with Hannah from anyone who isn't her mom, Luke, me or Lane –and even then, she's… touchy, to put it politely."

"How long has this been going on?"

"I don't know what it's like to have this _not_ going on, Jess," Logan said sadly.

"Christ…" Jess sighed.

"Even after the paternity was confirmed…"

"It's okay. You can say it."

"Even after we knew I was Hannah's dad; she didn't want me telling anyone. At first I understood –it was new, a lot to digest. But then even after a few weeks, Rory still lost her mind if I brought up telling anyone. She didn't want me talking to my friends, my sister…"

"Your _sister_? Wait, that's insane –why –?"

"My parents –they'll treat Hannah like an illegitimate bastard child…"

Jess winced.

"Because Rory and I were having an affair, we flew under the radar –she was naturally neurotic because we had to keep our relationship a secret. Whenever we went anywhere in London she was paranoid about running into my parents –being found out. That paranoia seems to have stuck around, amplified, and now she's attached it to Hannah."

"Right."

"My friends are –they're great, but they're…"

"Spoiled, rich, man-babies?"

"Pretty much. But they're still my friends. Not telling my parents yet, I can understand. We'll have to do it soon –but Rory's not at all wrong about how badly they'll react. But it's like everyone in my life is treated with the same contempt. I told one of my friends even when Rory flat out told me not to. I told him, I told him to tell the rest of the guys and I warned him not to be an idiot about it –that if any of them were idiots, I'd kill them all. So my friends know, but I haven't _talked_ to them about it. I asked them to keep their distance and they have.

"But my sister –Honour, she's not like my parents, Jess, or my friends. I can trust her. Rory didn't want me to, but I told her anyway…"

"She didn't want you telling your sister –still? But Hannah's like, four months old. That's _insane_."

"Exactly! I told her anyway, and my sister flew out from California to spend a week with me in Stamford. I told Rory that I told her, and she seemed too exhausted to fight about it anymore, but when I told her Honour was coming out here…"

"She lost it."

"Only a little. She told me she didn't want Honour in Stars Hollow, or in her house. Towards the end of her visit, Honour said she wanted to see Rory. So, I asked Rory if she'd come and spend the weekend in Stamford with me… and she –she did."

"She agreed to that? That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"I thought it was, but then…" Logan took a deep breath. "Long story short: Rory woke up from a nap in my bedroom and found Honour holding Hannah –I'd fallen asleep on the couch next to them- and she was ready to kill me. But then my sister interjected and they ended up having a –a real conversation. My sister was patient, non-judgemental, I thought this was the first step to real change. But when I dropped her at home on Sunday she brought it up and picked a fight, tried to tear me to shreds for letting Honour hold Hannah… tried to tear me to shreds for, I don't know –falling asleep?"

Jess said nothing and sighed heavily into his phone. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. This was bad. "Logan, man –I –I'm sorry."

"She can't keep doing this, Jess. She can't raise Hannah this way. I have no idea how long this is gonna go on or God forbid, how much worse it might get. I have to do something –I have to be prepared to do something… to protect Hannah. What if this goes on for years and the first memories Hannah has of Rory are of Mommy hiding her away and being a control freak? I don't want Hannah to feel like Rory's ashamed of her –that could seriously damage her."

"Now we're getting to the part that you're sure I'll understand, right?"

"I hope so. I don't think it's you…"

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"This –the fact that you're taking space, it's upsetting to Rory, but what's going on with her is way more complicated than that. I actually believe that, while it is upsetting, you not being around is the least of her problems. I didn't call to ask you to speed up your own healing process and start coming around because I think that might fix her."

"Good. If you were that delusional, I'd punch your lights out."

Logan chuckled softly. He was surprised he was able to do anything approximating laughing at a time like this.

"I appreciate them, by the way," Jess said quietly, out of nowhere.

"You appreciate what?"

"The pictures… the little videos you send me of Hannah. I never respond to your texts, because –but I appreciate it. It's –they help me; they don't hurt me. I'm getting there."

"I'm glad. I know that. Take all the time you need. I'm jealous of your ability to get some space, truth be told. It's a luxury that I don't have, but I wish I did."

"Why did you really call me, Logan?"

"Rory –to get better, she might need –she might need space."

"From…"

"From Hannah. I might need to create space for Hannah so that what Rory's going through doesn't fuck her up. What Rory's going through right now… it isn't who she is. I don't know when she'll find her way out, but if it takes years and it's detrimental to my daughter, I can't live with that. Hannah shouldn't have the first memories of her mom be ones she associates with her mom being ashamed of her, of hiding her."

"So… so what are you going to do?" Jess asked, feeling his heart rate speed up.

"If I have to… I'll take her away for a while. Go to California and stay with my sister and her family, so that Rory can really do the hard work on herself without hurting Hannah in the process…" Logan explained quietly.

Jess leaned back in his chair and felt his eyes start to sting. He blinked hard and cleared his throat.

Logan took advantage of the silence to explain himself further. "I wouldn't be running away, never to be heard from again. My intention is not to steal Hannah away from Rory. I'd call her, Skype her… let her see Hannah, talk to her whenever she wanted. But if Rory stays in this dark place, I have to get Hannah away from it, until Rory's better. If I –if I have to do this, it'll be hard, impossible –but if this is necessary, the silver lining is that if it has to happen and happens now…"

"Hannah won't remember. Rory can get better and Hannah will be too young to remember having to be separated from her mom. Rory might still have to deal with depression for a few years, but the worst of it will be behind her and Hannah won't ever have to know how bad it _really_ got."

"Yeah. I'm not –I'm not telling you this because I'm taking off tomorrow. I don't even know if I'll have to –but I thought you should know."

"Yeah, no –I really appreciate that. Thanks," Jess said, a little breathlessly. "I really mean that. Have you –have you told Rory?"

"Yeah –it scared the fuck out of her. But she knows I'm serious. I'll –I'll do it if I have to. I'm hoping it'll give her the jolt she needs, to really do the hard work. I don't want to have to do this Jess," Logan said, his voice shaking.

"I know."

"Anyway, I –I have no idea where you're at with your own –I know you're moving slowly in the direction of being able to spend time with Hannah. I just didn't want –if this happens, I wouldn't want you to be in a good place, all healed or whatever and decide you're ready to go see her, and to get to Stars Hollow to find she's not there; for Rory to have to tell you between sobs that I stole our daughter and went to California and send you crashing all the way back down to the bottom. It –it wouldn't be fair."

"You wouldn't be _stealing_ Hannah, Logan. It's –it's amazing, that you recognize what you might have to be prepared to do, and that you'll do it. You're right –I understand. If you have to do this, it'll be because you _really_ have to, and it'll be the right thing."

"Yeah," Logan whispered.

"How are _you_ in all of this?"

"I, I can't –Rory's somehow allowed to fall apart beyond repair, and that means I can't. I feel almost as lost as she does but I can't –I have to keep it together. And I'm getting tired."

"Yeah. I get that."

"I'm jealous of you, you know."

"I –I don't know how to respond to that," Jess admitted. "Is there anything I can –?"

"No. I don't want you –you shouldn't get involved before you're ready –especially when everything is such a spectacular shit show. I don't mean to be rude, but –you should just stay away. If you still need to, then stay far, far away. I don't doubt that you have feelings about all this, but you shouldn't reach out until _you_ want to, until you're really ready. If you start calling or coming around because you're reacting to this and you're not ready to be there, Rory will know and it'll just be harder on you –in the long run, somehow it'll come back and bite you."

"Yeah…" Jess was relieved that he hadn't inadvertently backed himself into a corner of making an offer he might not be able to follow through on, emotionally or psychologically.

"That's why Rory can never know I told you this. She can never know we had this conversation. She's allowed to suspect –she probably will, but you can't tell her that I explicitly told you about maybe having to take Hannah away. It'll just make everything worse."

"No, I get it. I won't –I won't say anything. I would never. But, why –why –you didn't have to tell me this, so why did you?"

"Because I know you love Hannah and you deserve to know. I know you're going to be part of her life, Jess –a big part. I also know exactly why you're staying away, I get it. You love her; you said it yourself –you're not going to be gone forever. I know you love her and it doesn't threaten me –sometimes I think it should, but it doesn't. I told you because I know how much you love her and because –because I need," Logan stopped to swallow the lump in his throat and steady his voice. "I know you'd do the same thing to protect her. Everyone else, if this happens, they'll understand, but they'll be forced into dealing with it when it happens, working through their understanding after it's already been done. I have no idea how long I'll need to be prepared to –it could take Rory a long time, I might need to operate on a razor's edge and be prepared to do this for weeks, even months. You're the only one who understands –who can understand what it's like to be the person who has to draw that line, to realize what they might need to do and be prepared to do it. To live with the possibility of having to do this drastic, painful thing and the pressure of being the only one who can make that call, knowing that _so much_ rests on your judgement and your judgement alone; not only if this thing happens, but living with the responsibility of being the one whom it falls to, to even make that choice. I'm rambling. Sorry."

"No," Jess whispered heavily, "you're actually making a lot of sense."

"And do you –I mean, you understand, right?"

"Logan… I'm not in your shoes. Hannah, she's –she's not my –she's not my daughter. She's not my responsibility like she is yours. I can't know _exactly_ what you're –but yeah. I get it. I understand. It's a heavy burden to bear –and I know something about heavy burdens that have to be borne alone. They're not easy to live with. I can tell you that if I were in your position, I'd probably be prepared to do the same thing. Hannah needs to be protected and I would move heaven and earth to make sure she was safe and loved. I'd do the same thing. If the only way to ensure she's all right is to get her out of the line of fire, you're damn right I'd do it. It's not an easy thing to be prepared to do, but I would. I get it –as much as I can, I understand exactly where you are," Jess said quietly.

Logan groaned loudly. "Okay. Now you know. I won't keep you anymore."

"For what it's worth –if you do this, you'll definitely be doing the right thing –the best you can do for Hannah. But I _really_ hope it doesn't come to that; and I'm not saying that because I hope to save _myself_ from anguish. Anguish and I are good friends, we'll get by."

"Thanks Jess."

"If this does happen, even if it's after you've –you've gone –which it absolutely makes sense that it would be… if you think of it, maybe let me know. I'd rather know from you first, and not by way of hysteria in the Gilmore house."

"I'll do my best."

"Also let me know when the threat has passed _…_ whether it comes to blows or not. Cuz I won't ask, that's your business and I won't dig for any information I'm not entitled to have."

"This, in my mind, you are entitled to. However this shakes out, I'll do my best to make sure you hear it from me first. And when it's over… I'm the only one who can tell you that anyway, right? That's my problem," Logan laughed cynically.

"Like I said, I really hope it doesn't come to that. But if it does and you feel like you have to… it's the right thing. If you and Rory were both a mess, I'd take Hannah away from you if I thought I needed to."

"Is that supposed to make me feel… better?"

"No. It's supposed to make you realize that sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do. As much as Hannah's not mine, I would do anything to protect her… even if I had to find a way to get her away from _both of you_. You wanted to know that I get it, right? That I understand? I understand. I'd take Hannah away from both of you if I had to."

"That's –that's good to know. I think. Thanks. I think."

"You're welcome."

"All right," Logan sighed. "I gotta go. I'll –I'll try and talk to you soon, I guess. I'll keep sending you stuff."

"Sure, sounds good. You don't _need_ to talk to me… if nothing changes and you don't have to…if it makes it, whatever… just, you don't need to talk to me if you don't want. I'm gonna pretty much leave you alone, unless you need me for something. You have enough to –I just hope I can start coming around soon. I feel like, soon –maybe, but I don't exactly know what that means yet. Maybe once I can start coming around a bit, you won't feel like such an island?"

"Maybe, but like I said –take your time. Don't wade into this mess just because it's a mess and not because you're actually ready. That won't help. Poor kid –Hannah's surrounded by enough empty shells of people. You shouldn't be one."

"Fair enough."

"Okay, thanks. Bye, Jess."

"No problem. Bye, Logan."

Jess sighed deeply as he disconnected the call, leaning forward and allowing his forehead to land on his desk with a thud.


	36. Chapter 36

"Rory, I want you to talk to me about you," Dr. Bowman said.

"What? I'm not sure I…" Rory trailed off.

"You came in here last week in tears, begging me to help you turn over a new leaf so that Logan doesn't have to resort to taking Hannah away. It's been clear to me since we began these sessions that the issue is not whether you love your daughter. You're struggling with the fact that you ended up becoming pregnant in the first place. We've spent a lot of time talking about your pregnancy, about Hannah, Logan, Jess and how you're handling things now –and we're not done talking about those things. But in order for you to really understand why you're behaving the way you are now –the hiding, the tight control- we need to go back farther. I need you to talk to me about how things were for you in the year or two, maybe more,  _before_ your pregnancy. If you really want to break this cycle, we need to address how and why it came about; the way we do that is to go back to  _when_  this particular pattern of behaviour took root. Something tells me this started long before you became pregnant –your pregnancy and Hannah's birth have amplified your feelings, but they originated well before Hannah was born, or even conceived. So, we need to focus on you."

"Okay, well, how do we do that? Where do we start?"

"I know where you are. But what I don't know is how you got here. I've heard you articulate that what you're going through now isn't who you are. Tell me who you are. Tell me how who I've gotten to know might be different from the Rory you used to be, that you want to get back to. Once I have the missing point on the map, we can figure out how to get back to where you want to be."

"I had very definitive goals. I had meticulous plans for how my life was going to turn out."

"And those plans didn't work out?"

"No."

"What was the plan?"

Rory blushed. "I –I wanted to go to school, study journalism and –and become Christiane Amanpour."

"And did you think you were going to accomplish that goal?"

"I thought so –I went to Yale, studied English, got a job at the  _Yale Daily News_. It all seemed… good. After graduation I even landed a job reporting on Obama's presidential campaign for an online publication."

"Wow. That's impressive," Dr. Bowman said with a smile. "But at some point it started to go wrong, didn't it?"

"Yeah," Rory sighed.

"Tell me about that."

"I graduated in 2007. Journalism was a changing field. With all the changes in how people got their information… when social media took off… you know what happened. Papers everywhere clamped down, let people go; print media was barely surviving. It  _is_ barely surviving."

"But you were working for an online publication during Obama's first campaign…"

"I got that job because the guy who was supposed to do it couldn't… I was brought in externally. My reporting was good and I got continuous high praise from my boss, but when it was over, there wasn't anything he could offer me on permanent staff."

"Is that when things started to –"

"Yeah. I couldn't seem to land anything that stuck. Nothing that I wanted. Even with such a stellar recommendation from my boss during the campaign. I had one really successful piece in  _The New Yorker_ about a year and a half ago, but… that's it, it was nothing that led to other opportunities there –sadly."

"You say you couldn't find anything that stuck –anything you  _wanted_. Does that mean you had opportunities that you passed up because they weren't…?"

"I graduated from Yale, Dr. Bowman; I reported on  _the_  historical Obama campaign. I didn't pursue journalism so that I could work at  _BuzzFeed_ or  _Sandee Says_. I wanted to work at Conde Nast – _GQ, W, Vanity Fair_ ,  _The New Yorker_!"

"Which job did you get turned down for? Who passed on you because you waltzed in with your head held a little  _too_  high and were completely unprepared?" Dr. Bowman asked knowingly.

" _Sandee Says_ ," Rory whispered, staring at her hands. "I was wearing my lucky dress and everything! They were wooing me with fruit baskets! They wanted  _me!_ And then they pull the rug out from under me because I –"

"Showed up to a pitch meeting one hundred per cent unprepared to pitch anything, because 'Hey, they're wooing me. They want me. I shouldn't have to prove myself, much less demonstrate for  _Sandee Says_ of all things, that I'm a good journalist.' You thought you were too good for them. You showed up in a lucky dress that made you feel powerful, knowing that you graduated from Yale, documented Obama's historic victory that saw the first African American elected as Commander in Chief. And now here you were,  _the_ Rory Gilmore, interviewing for an online gossip rag that'd been wooing you with chocolate and fruit baskets. All the proof they needed was right there on your resume and all the proof you needed that the job was definitely yours could be found in all those chocolate and fruit baskets they sent you. You wouldn't have to pitch anything… don't make you laugh! Right?"

"Exactly! They were totally unfair to do that to me! I mean, okay –I thought the job was mine, and so I had nothing prepared, but –it's  _Sandee Says!_ How hard could it be? They didn't give me the job because I couldn't think of a completely original pitch on the spot. She yawned like she was  _bored._ "

"But if you had prepared for that interview properly, you would have had pitches lined up and ready to go –if you weren't forced on think on the spot, you probably could've tapped into that originality they were looking for a bit more successfully."

"I guess, but …"

Dr. Bowman leaned forward in her chair and contemplated her response carefully. She had to be firm without being rude or cruel. If she was rude or cruel, she knew she might never see Rory Gilmore again. "Rory, you just said yourself not five minutes ago that journalism is struggling to adapt to the changes that are being faced in the field of news. Print media everywhere is clamping down –letting people go. You may have graduated from Yale and reported on a presidential campaign, but that doesn't make you immune to the struggles inherent within your chosen profession at this current point in time. Yes, Rory, it's plausible, if not probable that the skill you possess as a journalist  _does_  make you 'too good' for  _BuzzFeed_ or  _Sandee Says_. But the fact of the matter is, most of the time, almost everybody has to work stepping stone jobs before they land their dream career. Sometimes those stepping stones take you on a roundabout route to reaching that dream career; but they're still a necessary part of a fairly universal professional journey.

"Do you want to know how print media is managing to stay afloat even just by the skin of its teeth and  _not_ plummet like the Titanic? By recognizing the intersection between social media and news.  _BuzzFeed_ , for all its quizzes like, 'Pick Your Ideal Sleepover & We'll Accurately Guess Your Age' or 'Do Masturbate Like a Regular Woman?', they have actual substantive news on their site –it's sparse and condensed, but they still run articles and images from the terror attacks in London, the various countless blunders of President Trump, the Comey testimony… they just do it in a condensed way in big block writing with pictures to go with it. I'm not trying to say that  _BuzzFeed_  is on par  _The New York Times_ , but this is how journalism is adapting, Rory.

"You might not like it, but the fact that you can boast things like an Ivy League education and an Obama campaign job and the best references anyone might find on your resume, does not mean that you're automatically entitled to step right into the big leagues. I don't say that to diminish what you've accomplished. You know what? If you were coming up in the field twenty years ago, you could've ridden those  _very_ impressive credentials full-stop, they would've all but guaranteed you a life-long career in the upper echelons of the journalism world. But you didn't come up in the field twenty years ago, you're coming up through it now. Those kinds of big breaks are much harder to come by these days, in this economy. Sadly, you didn't get one.

"Your Yale diploma and your experience reporting on an historic presidential campaign doesn't mean you're an automatic shoe-in for a position with some of the most highly respected and competitive news outlets in the world. It very well may have, twenty years ago. But  _especially_ not in a dwindling print media climate like what we're experiencing now. You have to be willing to work your way up to where you want to be and to maybe do a few gigs that you'd rather not do, to get a shot at the things you're  _dying_ to do. Everyone does. You're no different. You're not entitled to access to the very top of the ladder before you climb up, Rory. Things won't go according to a pitch perfect plan because you're you and somehow, you always come out on top. You  _can't_  always come out on top. It's impossible. Careers don't work that way –as you learned when you lost that  _Sandee Says_ opportunity for no other reason than you were arrogant and unprepared.  _Life_  doesn't work that way either. No matter how meticulously you've planned,  _life will never, ever go exactly according to that meticulous plan_.

"I expect that whenever work, or life doesn't go according to your meticulous plans –whether it's because you don't get the exact career you want or you refuse to work anywhere but the very best right out of the gate- or life doesn't work out the way you want it to, like, say, by throwing an unexpected pregnancy your way, you end up feeling like a failure. You feel ashamed and even a bit bitter and pissed off because hey, you worked hard, you're  _entitled_ to have things go your way. But the thing is Rory," Dr. Bowman sighed, "life owes you nothing. You're not entitled to anything except what life hands you, and doing the best that you can with it.

"You can't hide away like a child,  _with_ your child, just because life isn't turning out the way you thought it would. You can't look at Hannah as a constant reminder of all your failures and project onto her all of that negativity. I know how much you love her and trust me –that is a disastrous dichotomy, loving her like that and being in denial about your failures. It  _will_ implode. You're not entitled to anything. You're not  _too good for_  and therefore  _immune to_  life's trials and tribulations –no one is."

"I know that, I –"

"I'm not sure you did, before now. I think you're just  _starting_ the journey of knowing that. Hiding yourself and Hannah away won't do anything to erase whatever you're feeling. Embrace her, own her and own the mistakes you made that led to this beautiful life you created."

Rory sighed.

"Do you know when it started?"

"When what started?"

"This sense of entitlement, which sometimes leads to you make poor decisions, that you then have difficultly taking responsibility for," Dr. Bowman said, looking Rory square in the eye. "You need to own your mistakes, Rory, not run from them, hide them or pretend they didn't happen. And you have to find a way to see Hannah as something other than a reminder of your mistakes. In order to do that, you need to  _deal_ with your mistakes. Denying everything isn't going to work anymore. We need to talk about when this denial started and work to put a stop to it."

* * *

"Jess, are you gonna come get this dresser or not? I told you that you could have it months ago…" Luke sighed.

"I know, Luke… I'm sorry –I just –" Jess faltered.

"Can you come on Saturday?"

"Luke, I –"

"Rory won't be here."

"What?"

"She and Hannah will be with Logan all weekend at his place in Stamford. Rory won't be here. You won't see her."

"Oh. Okay."

"So… Saturday?"

"Sure. I'll come by midday."

"Sounds good. See you then."

Jess let out a heavy sigh and tossed his cell on Ella's coffee table.

"Why the long face?" she asked.

"I have to go to Stars Hollow on Saturday. Luke's been holding onto a set of dresser drawers for me… he's sick of them taking up space in the apartment above the diner that he doesn't even live in anymore."

"Jess, going to Stars Hollow to pick up one little dresser isn't the end of the world, is it?"

"No –Rory won't be around apparently, she'll be in Stamford with Logan, but –"

"Then what exactly is the problem?"

"I just… don't want to go."

"Bring me with you then –it'll be less torturous that way."

"What?" Jess asked, cracking a smirk. "No. You don't want to go to that circus, trust me."

"Oh, come on!" Ella said with a smile. "You've been telling me about this kooky town for years! I wanna see for myself if it's really as nuts as you say it is. Personally, I think you're exaggerating…"

"I'm not."

"Luke grew up in that town right? I like your uncle! How crazy can the town he's from  _possibly_ be?"

" _Very_."

"Come on, please?"

"Ella. There's nothing to… everything has stairs. You won't be able to go anywhere by yourself."

"It's a good thing I'd be there with  _you_  then."

"I'm  _not_  giving you a tour and carrying you around all day."

"You said the dresser's at Luke's, right? The diner? No problem. We go… you get the dresser… we have lunch. Then we leave."

"The diner has stairs."

"It's a good thing you can carry me, then. Up the stairs, I mean –not  _all day_ of course."

"The bathroom's not accessible."

"I've survived without going to the bathroom for an afternoon before. It's a fact of my life. It's all about limiting fluids. You've seen me do it! If I only ever went to places that were fully accessible, me and my wheelchair would never leave this apartment. Jess," Ella laughed, "why are you so adamant that I don't come?"

"Because I –I don't know. Don't you have plans with Mike this weekend?"

"Nope –he's going to a bachelor party."

"Fine," Jess relented. "I'll ask Greg if I can borrow his SUV."

Ella threw her left arm around Jess' neck. "I'm so excited!"

"You realize that as a disabled woman, you're gonna have a mark on your back? You're going to attract the insanity like magnets attract metal. If you end up scarred and suffer nightmares of all the crazy for the rest of your life, you can't say I didn't warn you."

* * *

"You could just stay in the car…" Jess said as he parked across the street from the diner. "I could go in, have Luke help me with the dresser, you could say hi to him and we could just leave."

"You  _really_ want me to not want to be here, don't you?" Ella laughed.

"Desperately."

"Too bad. I'm hungry. And I need to eat at a table. Luke's diner has food  _and_ tables. Win, win."

"Fine. I'll be back. I'm gonna get Luke to grab your chair while I take you."

"Jess! You made it!" Luke said with a smile. "You'd think this town was under quarantine or something. The dresser's upstairs, let's go."

"Wait… I'm… we'll stay for lunch too."

"We?"

"Ella's with me. She practically forced me to bring her. She's out in the car. Can you come out and bring her chair in here?"

"Sure. Sure, no problem."

Luke followed Jess across the street. "Hi Ella!" he shouted when Jess opened the trunk.

"Hey Luke! I'm hungry!" Ella said.

"You've come to the right place then!"

"Leave the brakes on and just carry it in by the wheels," Jess told Luke, "it's super light." He ran back to the diner to open the door for his uncle before sprinting back to the car. "If you end up regretting this, I'm going to make fun of you for the rest of our lives," he whispered with a smirk as he picked Ella up.

"Shut up. I'm just here for the food," she laughed.

When Jess walked into the diner holding Ella in his arms, the bell on the door seemed to command the attention of everyone there. Jess surveyed the familiar faces and did a mental tally –the potential for insanity was overwhelming.

"Jess, sugar! What are you doin' here?" Babette said in surprise. "Who's that?"

"Hi Babette," he said. "This is Ella. Ella, Babette."

"Hi, nice to meet you," Ella said with ease.

"Jess, honey… you know that this is not the traditional threshold to be carrying a woman across," Miss Patty said with a wink. "Are you headed straight up to Luke's  _empty_ apartment?"

Ella stifled a laugh by pressing her face into Jess' shoulder.

"Patty," Jess sighed, "we're  _friends_."

"So? Friends are allowed to have benefits. She's a beautiful little thing…"

"I think that's her wheelchair," Babette whispered loudly.

"So? Just because she can't walk doesn't mean she can't enjoy some good sex. You can enjoy sex, can't you dear?"

"I'm sorry," Ella said, trying not to giggle, "what did you say your name was?"

"Patty, darling. Can you? Enjoy sex? It'd be such a shame if you can't…"

"I –I –yes, I can enjoy it. I –I do."

"We're still not going upstairs Patty, we're just here for lunch," Jess said.

"What's the matter with you, boy? Women have needs. Her legs might not work, but she still deserves to have a good –"

"Nothing's  _wrong_  with me. She has a boyfriend."

Miss Patty smiled mischievously.

" _Not me._ "

"Too bad, I bet you're lots of fun," Miss Patty purred.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Can I put her down now? I'm pretty sure she wants food."

"He's right, I get grumpy without it. Nice to meet you ladies!" Ella smiled. "God, Jess… you weren't kidding about the circus."

"You haven't seen the half of it, little spitfire. You'll be sorry," he whispered, putting her down in her chair.

"Jess, why don't we get the dresser now, so that you two can enjoy lunch before you head back," Luke said, approaching where he and Ella were sitting.

"Sure. Sounds good."

"Ella, Caesar will be right out to take care of you and get your order in. Anything you want, it's on the house."

"Wow, thanks Luke," she grinned, taking the menu he offered her.

As Jess got up to follow Luke upstairs, he noticed Kirk approaching Ella. "Good luck with that one," he winked.

"That is a stellar chair you've got there," Kirk said.

"Thank you," Ella answered. "And –and you are?"

"Kirk. Is it comfortable?"

"Excuse me?"

"Your chair."

"Yes. Yes, it is. Why?"

"Well you see, I fancy myself the best entrepreneurial mind in all of Stars Hollow and the surrounding area…"

"Wow. That's –something."

"I've had upwards of eighty jobs in the last fifteen years, most of them devised by me as I see the needs of this thriving metropolis grow and change."

"Stars Hollow is a thriving metropolis?" Ella asked, looking around the tiny diner and out to the quiet street, skeptically.

"Of course it is," Kirk said resolutely.

"Okay. Sure. What does any of this have to do with my wheelchair?"

"Well, about two years ago, my latest thriving business idea ended up being a gross failure, which almost got me in a good bit of legal trouble –it was a very dark time in my life. Petal couldn't even cheer me up."

"Petal?"

"The pet pig I share with the love of my life, Lulu. It was a gift from everyone in town to cure our desperate want for a child."

"Right."

"Anyway, your chair has given me inspiration to revisit my Ooooober idea."

"I'm sorry…. Ooooober? Do you mean like Uber?"

"No! No! Ooooober is not like Uber at all!" Kirk yelled. "Sorry… I still have some unresolved anger issues regarding this particular abject failure."

"It's… okay," Ella said awkwardly.

"I think I just need to revisit the ride share idea. Last time, I was driving a large, impersonal, industrial vehicle with my back to the patrons. I think that was a mistake. But this chair of yours… it's sleek, compact, and you say it's comfortable. So maybe, if I could find a wheelchair like yours that seats two, I could offer a new and improved Ooooober experience. Something close, intimate –give people a real individualized experience."

"You Ella?" Caesar asked.

"Yes!" Ella answered desperately.

"Luke told me to come out and look after you personally. What'll you have?"

"Chicken burger please? With fries."

"Drink?"

"Water's fine."

"Coming up. Leave the lady alone, Kirk."

"But I –" Kirk started to say.

"No buts! Now!" Caesar yelled.

"Thank you," Ella said quietly as Kirk skulked away.

"No problem. Part of what looking after you personally entails. Is Jess eating too? Any idea what he wants?"

"Probably a burger. Beef. Fries."

"Done and done. It'll be out soon," Caesar smiled. "Sit, Kirk! Stay!" he yelled as he walked by. "Don't make me come back out here."

* * *

Upstairs, Jess hesitated before picking up the dresser with Luke. "Hey, wait a sec."

"What's the matter? Don't tell me you don't want it. What'd you come all the way out here for if you don't want the thing?" Luke asked, exasperated.

"No –no, it's not the dresser. It's –"

"What? Jess, I'm not getting any younger, I'm in the middle of Saturday lunch rush downstairs and if we don't hurry up and get back down there, your best friend will have exploded into a puddle on the floor. I know she's a tough woman, but there are at least a dozen crazies down there with  _no_ filter. I just heard Caesar yell at Kirk from all the way up here. One guess why he needed to be yelled at."

Jess smirked, in spite of himself. He took a second to clear his mind and looked right at Luke. "Thanksgiving…"

Luke waited, careful not to make any sudden movements.

"I'll come."

"Really?"

"Really."

"You're sure?" he asked, shocked that this was Jess' answer.

"Yeah. But I might change my mind at the last minute. And if I dine and dash on the day you are  _not_ allowed to rag on me."

"Fair enough."

"Not a word to Rory. I don't want her knowing that I'm coming ahead of time. If I change my mind, I don't want her guilt tripping me with it later. Don't tell Lorelai either. I don't want anyone getting their hopes up, or for me to cause any disappointment if I do change my mind at the last minute."

"Not a word," Luke promised.

* * *

"Hey Groucho!" Ella yelled when she saw Jess appear precariously at the bottom of the stairs, holding up the end of a set of dresser drawers.

"The comedian?" Luke asked breathlessly, "you have  _met_  my nephew, right?"

"Not the comedian. I ordered you a burger."

"Thanks El, we'll be right back," Jess answered. As he and Luke were heading towards the door, Taylor was coming in and held it open for them.

Luke and Jess weren't out at the car for hardly five minutes, but they came back inside and overheard the  _strangest_  conversation.

"You –you –" Ella let out a strangled, sarcastic chuckle, "you understand my  _plight_?"

"Yes, yes I do," Taylor said with grave sincerity.

"I'm sorry –what  _plight_ would that be?"

"The plight of being afflicted with disability."

" _Afflicted_?"

"Our fellow humans can be a cruel breed."

"Says the guy who just used the word 'afflicted' to describe disability. So, tell me…"

"Oh! Taylor. Taylor Doose, Stars Hollow Mayor and Selectman."

"Tell me, Taylor Doose –how is it that you understand the  _plight_ of my  _affliction_ so well?" Ella asked sarcastically, sipping her water.

"Back in the late summer of 2003, I became stricken and lost my ability to walk. I too had to rely on the use of a wheelchair. I slipped on a conspicuous banana peel outside my home –which I'm convinced was laid there as a trap by Luke Danes' good for nothing nephew. Such a little hoodlum, Jess was. Nothing but trouble. I am  _so_ glad he's a rarity around here these days."

Ella nearly chocked on her mouthful of water, for laughing.

"I was forced to rely on a power wheelchair for  _weeks_."

" _Weeks_? How  _terrible_."

"It can be so trying, can't it?" Taylor asked dramatically.

Ella rolled her eyes. "You're kidding me, right?" she muttered to herself under her breath. "I mean –yes. Yes… yes. Yes, it can."

"It is so nice to see you out and about, enjoying life. You mustn't let physical limitation stop you."

"Okay," she said with a strained smile, "I sure won't."

"Hi Taylor," Jess smirked, walking up behind him. "How ya been? I see you've met my friend Ella."

Taylor's mouth twisted into a scowl. "You seemed like such a nice young woman," he said sadly.

"You'd judge me purely based on whom I choose consort with and not on my own strength of character?" Ella asked. " _Our fellow humans can be such a cruel breed_."

Jess burst out laughing as Taylor stormed off in a huff. "He's a piece of work, isn't he?"

"Seriously."

"So, he understands the  _plight_ of your  _affliction_ , does he?"

"Oh you heard that, huh?"

"Yup."

"Then I guess you also heard how sure he is that you planted the cursed trap of the banana peel…"

"I didn't think he'd go and break his leg," Jess shrugged. "If I'd have known he was going to fall  _that_ hard  _and_ that he'd be fitted with a motorized chair, I would've settled for rigging a pale of cold water above the front door."

Ella and Jess had all but enjoyed their entire lunch in relative peace and were actually minutes away from leaving when Mrs. Kim walked in. She spotted Ella's wheelchair and marched right over to them.

"Hi Mrs. Kim," Jess said slowly. "This is my friend Ella. Ella, this is –"

"You must be healed!" Mrs. Kim declared, cutting Jess off.

"Oh, no," Ella started to say. "I'm not sick, I don't really need to be –"

"God can heal you! I get Reverend Skinner!"

"Oh boy," Jess sighed.

"Well, I have no idea what just happened, but I'm guessing she's going to come back with… Reverend Skinner?" Ella asked.

"Yup, she is. I'm so sorry El. The rest of it was kinda funny, but this is –"

"No, this might be the funniest one of them all. Look, I have no idea what this reverend is like, but there's been something I've always wanted to do when people offer to heal me. Let's just see what happens when she comes back. Follow my lead, okay?"

"Sure, but what are you –?"

"You'd better have good reflexes, Mariano."

Mrs. Kim came back into the diner five minutes later, with Reverend Skinner following. "Heal her," she ordered.

"She doesn't exactly look like she needs to be healed. She's not sick. She looks fine to me," Reverend Skinner reasoned.

Ella was impressed at how realistic and logical this reverend seemed to be.

"Pray for her at least. God can make her walk if we pray."

"She won't go away unless you let me pray for you," Reverend Skinner told Ella sympathetically.

"Sure, that's fine," Ella smiled pleasantly. "But you should know, I charge a one hundred dollar fine for false advertising," she said, staring Mrs. Kim directly in the eye.

"Won't be necessary," Mrs. Kim assured her with a smile.

"You'd be surprised how many people have thought they could heal me before."

" _This_ time will be different."

Reverend Skinner was about to close his eyes to pray when Mrs. Kim saw that he had not, like her, extended his hand in Ella's direction. She glared at him until he followed suit and reached out his arm along with Mrs. Kim.

 _Just don't touch me_ , Ella thought to herself.  _If either of you lay one 'healing' hand on me, it's game over._

All the while as they were surrounded by prayer, Jess and Ella looked at each other quizzically, stifling laughter, until Reverend Skinner opened his eyes, followed by Mrs. Kim.

"Okay, moment of truth!" Ella said excitedly, pushing her wheelchair away from the table, undoing her seatbelt and scooting forward until she was on the edge of her seat, her feet on the ground.

"El… what are you doing?" Jess asked dubiously.

"Jess," she said, eying him significantly. "I'm seeing if this nice lady was right. I'm going to  _stand_  and  _walk_ because Mrs. Kim believes that this reverend healed me. Right, Mrs. Kim?"

"Yes, yes," Mrs. Kim nodded excitedly.

"So, Jess, the only thing  _left_ for me to do is stand and walk. So, on my honour, the only thing  _left_  to do is see if this reverend is a miracle worker!"

Jess caught on. He was so caught off-guard that he almost missed the clues. Ella's weak leg, the foot that couldn't go flat or support much of her weight was her left. He got up and stood next to Mrs. Kim, situated in front of Ella and mere inches away from her left side, knowing that when she pitched, that's the way she would go. "I need a good view of what's about to happen here. My best friend's been healed!" he said when Mrs. Kim looked at him with a scowl.

Ella managed to stand up on the floor and let go of her wheelchair. Jess was half afraid that as soon as she let go, she'd just fall, but she actually managed two short, choppy steps before pitching hard and fast, forward and to the left. Hitting the floor would've taken just one second. But Jess acted fast and lunged to catch her. Instead of landing on the floor, she felt his strong arms slip underneath hers and stop her, mid-fall, without flinching or faltering –which was impressive given how quickly he had to act.

"Oh no," Mrs. Kim lamented, shaking her head sadly. "It was a bad prayer. Reverend Skinner, you must try again!"

"I don't think so, Mrs. Kim. This young lady, while disabled, is  _perfectly healthy_ and not in need of any healing. I'm sorry I interrupted your lunch, dear," Reverend Skinner said to Ella apologetically.

Mrs. Kim watched him leave and sighed sadly.

"So," Ella said to Mrs. Kim, "you said God would make me walk if you prayed for me and uh… nope. Still disabled, evidently… what with almost falling on my face and all. Remember what I said about false advertising? It's so unfair to get a poor cripple's hopes up like that, and then for me to suffer the traumatizing experience of a potentially deadly fall. It's only fair that I be compensated for the anguish this whole ordeal has caused; because I do, I  _so badly_ want to have working legs like everyone else. To know that I was maybe,  _just maybe_  close to having that happen  _today,_  and then for it to just, not work… I'm not sure I'll ever get over it, really," she said heartbreakingly. She was still in Jess' arms –when she launched into this tale of woe, he made a split decision to remain holding her to maximize the effect of her speech.

"It's true," Jess echoed sadly. "She's my best friend, Mrs. Kim and I'm afraid that she'll just, never be the same after this."

Luke had been watching the entire thing from behind the counter and he was having serious trouble holding in his laughter. These two were good. Ella was  _superb_ –she was trying to swindle Mrs. Kim! Luke knew it'd never work, but still, it was genius.

"Never mind the money," Ella whispered shakily and quietly, pressing her forehead into Jess' chest. Her shaky voice was because of the laughter she was struggling to hold in, not because tears were overwhelming her; but Mrs. Kim, it seemed, couldn't tell the difference. "Please Jess," she said, staring at him with her mesmerizing hazel eyes, that seemed, to Mrs. Kim, like they were glazing over with tears. "Please Jess I just want to go home. Can you take me home?"

"Yeah El," Jess said softly, kissing the top of her head quickly, "I'll take you home," he promised, swooping her up in his arms easily right from the very spot she stood. "Luke," he said, gesturing to Ella's chair once he'd caught his uncle's attention, "could you? The dresser's lying across the backseat, so just put her chair back in the trunk."

"Sure, no problem, Jess," he said sullenly, following a few paces behind his nephew.

As soon as all three were safely across the street and Ella and Jess were shielded from view as he lifted her into the car, they burst into uproarious laughter. Luke joined in from the trunk, where his face was out of view as he put Ella's chair exactly where it was when he'd taken it out.

"You, you fucking tried to swindle Mrs. Kim!" Jess cackled loudly. "I can't believe you tried to swindle Mrs. Kim! You're fucking brilliant. That was  _the_  most hilarious thing I've ever seen."

"I told you. Good thing you have quick reflexes," Ella winked. "People offer to heal me  _so much_ it's actually disgusting. And of course no one's ever with me when it happens. I've always wanted to tell people I charge for false advertising and then let myself fall in front of them –can you imagine if I actually got money from like, even half of them? I'd be rich! But that would cause serious pain and injury to me on a regular basis, so yeah… no. But you were there, so I figured,  _Yes! This is my chance!_  Thank you so very much for catching me, by the way."

"No problem. I'd happily do it again, any time you want just to see that look on her face again."

Luke was still laughing as he came around to see Ella and his nephew off. "Aw man. Ella… you made my day. Your dripping sarcasm with Taylor and then pulling one over on Mrs. Kim like that… priceless. I owe you."

"Consider it payment for the free lunch," Ella said with a smile. "It was good to see you. I'm  _so_ glad I made Jess drag me out here with him. This is… a very interesting town you have here. I knew I needed to experience it just once."

"Well, I'm glad you did," Luke said happily. "Jess, always good to see you."

"Yeah," Jess smirked. "Thanks for the dresser."

"Safe trip back to Brooklyn, you two."

"Well," Ella said with a chuckle as Jess stated the engine, "that was quite the experience. Admit it –insane though it might've been, it was pretty fun, wasn't it?"

"Yeah," Jess admitted with a devilish grin. "It was pretty fun."

"See? Aren't you glad I forced you to bring me with you?"

"Yeah, I am."

"That's all the vindication I need," she said, reaching for the radio dial.

Jess covered her hand with his. "Nope. There is only one song that is appropriate when entering, visiting or leaving Stars Hollow."

"Oh yeah? And what song would that be?"

Jess connected his phone to the car's Bluetooth and searched out the song. He pressed the buttons to let his and Ella's windows down. "I know it's cold, but it's only appropriate that we belt this out as we leave. You ready?"

"Ready!" Ella laughed.

Jess hit play. Costello's anthem of discontent that defined his teenage and early adult years in Stars Hollow filled Greg's SUV as he sped off in the direction of the town's outer limit:  _This is hell, this is hell/I am sorry to tell you/It never gets better or worse/But you get used to it after a spell/For heaven is hell in reverse/This is hell, this is hell_ …


	37. Chapter 37

"If you hadn't become pregnant with Hannah while you and Logan were both engaged in affairs, would it be easier for you to trust him?" Dr. Bowman asked Rory.

"I don't know… probably."

"And would you maybe not be so hard on yourself if you weren't being equally as duplicitous as he was?"

"I don't know if I was  _just_  as…"

"The only difference between what you were doing and what Logan was doing is that he'd given a ring to the person he was cheating on," Dr. Bowman pointed out carefully, so as not to elicit a negative response.

"Yeah," Rory sighed sadly. "Logan cheated on me once,  _and_ tried to give me a ring." She seemed totally unfazed by Dr. Bowman's previous remark.

"You've never mentioned either of those things before, and we've talked about Logan a lot. Tell me more about that."

"I'd rather not…"

"If you want to gloss over  _everything_ that makes you even slightly uncomfortable, that's your choice; but if that's the choice you make, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to help. Therapy is a slow process with slow progress Rory –key word being  _slow_ , the  _progress_ is  _slow_. But eventually, you have to work your way up to being strong enough to tackle some of the hard stuff. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm not here to judge you; I'm a very patient person."

Rory smiled timidly and appreciatively.

"If Logan wasn't Hannah's father, I may be able to circle back around to the issue later, but the two of you share a child together; no matter what becomes of your personal, intimate relationship, you two are tied together for the rest of your lives. The whole reason you're making this effort is because you want to avoid Logan taking drastic action against you to protect Hannah. We don't have time as you might think or as  _either of us_ might like, to sweep it under the rug and come back to it later. You have to start taking about him, about the stuff you've left out so far.

"You chose to have this man's child and you chose to tell him about that child. If Logan is adding to your psychological state –which I firmly believe he is- then you  _must_ talk about it. Prove to me –better yet, prove to yourself- that you're here as more than just attention-seeking behaviour. Prove to yourself that you're here to work through your feelings –not for the fun of it, but to be a better mother and partner. That work is going to be hard and slow, but you  _will_ succeed. I'll help you. I know you can do it."

Rory sighed painfully when she realized that this wasn't a fight she was going to win. Slowly, she recounted meeting Logan during her sophomore year at Yale and how he'd turned his back on his womanizing ways to be her boyfriend. She rehashed her problems with his parents and even told Dr. Bowman about the stolen yacht and dropping out of Yale. With some difficulty, she recounted Logan's indiscretions with Honour's bridesmaids, his proposal to her at her graduation party and her ultimate rejection of the engagement ring and the avocado tree.

"Interesting," Dr. Bowman said, taking notes.

" _Interesting_  is usually psychiatrist-speak for spotting some kind of red herring."

"Well, despite the fact that he appears to be your most significant romantic relationship, the fact that you've had a child with him is just the latest evolution of a pattern that was set in motion over a decade ago."

"My daughter's a  _pattern_?"

"Not Hannah specifically. It's clear to me that you and Logan love each other, but what's also clear is that you have huge issues trusting him. Until I understood your full history together, I couldn't quite put my finger on why. You've never completely trusted him, have you?"

"What?" Rory asked, a little too loudly. "That's crazy. Of course I trust him."

"Love and trust are not the same thing. You love him deeply. You want –very badly- to be able to trust him with all your heart. But do you? Do you fully trust him?"

"No. I –I guess I –no, I don't. Not as much as I wish I could or I want to. I almost feel ashamed, not being able to trust him as much as I should. But why? Why can't I? How can I  _get to_ the place of trusting him like I wish I did?"

"You will, in time. But trust is earned. Both of you need to earn  _each other's_ trust in time. It's a process."

"But how did we get this way? How did I get this way, not trusting him like this? How is it that today, thirteen years after the fact, is the first time I'm admitting out loud like this that I've  _never_ been able to trust him the way I want to –the way I was sure I  _did_? How could that never have dawned on me with such magnitude before now?" Rory asked.

"Okay, see if you can follow me," Dr. Bowman said, taking a deep breath. "Logan was a ladies' man. You weren't interested in being just another notch in his belt. You issued an ultimatum and he didn't want to lose you, so he changed. But you were always on guard –even if it was unconsciously done, a part of you was  _always_ worried that he'd default to the old habits that he loved so much. So when he did cheat, even though it was over a year into your relationship, a part of you wasn't surprised. But by then, you were completely in love with him and he was completely in love with you, which is why he gravelled so much and why you eventually did take him back, even though you knew you probably shouldn't. It's why you told him you'd forgiven him and you hadn't and he knew it.

"Logan's a rule-breaker by nature, you're not. That's why when you break rules, you have a distinct 'Go big, or go home,' attitude –that's why you stole a boat. Logan's instinctual rule-breaking nature is why he didn't fight very hard to stop you. It's why when you were away from Yale and your mom, he didn't push you as hard as you would've liked him to, to get you back on track."

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"It's what distinguishes Logan from Jess in your mind. Jess' errors were the folly of a rough, loveless childhood, raised by the school of hard knocks rather than by parents in a mansion. Miraculously, he'd wised to his mistakes by the ripe old age of twenty-one and turned his life completely around. That's why when Jess came back demanding to know what was going on with you and told you that Logan was a jerk, it hit you so hard –because you couldn't deny that he had a point. Logan  _was_ a jerk and yet, you were still in love with him –you couldn't wrap your head around such a polarizing dichotomy, but you loved him nonetheless.

"Logan has the potential to bring out the best in you, Rory. But it seems he gives you licence to be irresponsible, more seriously than you otherwise might be without his explicit or implicit encouragement. It's why you were able to have an affair with him. He's good at that kind of behaviour and you figure, so long as it's with him, the fact that you love him makes the behaviour –his and yours- somehow okay. As long as you're not the one he's pulling one over on, you seem to have little problem following his lead, even if your conscience tries tell you otherwise.

"That's part of why you're torn about Jess. Jess seems to have a moral compass that is relatively unfailing, whereas Logan can easily shift in and out of it. If Jess were Hannah's father, you could be reasonably sure that he would never do anything to hurt her intentionally, much less to save his own skin.

"Regardless of how much you love Logan, you don't have that certainty with him. Logan had no problem pushing his fiancé aside to carry on with you and you have a degree of shame about it because you  _let_ him. So you think, 'What's to prevent me from one day being in the exact same situation as his fiancé?' The last thing you want is for you and Hannah to be shoved aside for someone else and none the wiser. It's why –aside from all the obvious reasons- his fiancé was such a sore point for you after you told him about your pregnancy. It's why all the assurances he gives you now are never enough."

"Wow," Rory said quietly. "So that's what you're being paid for."

Dr. Bowman chuckled under her breath. "The most important part is not my analysis of what you tell me, or how I selectively decode some your own thoughts and feelings for you. The important part is what you do with that analysis –the work you put in, in order to recognize the real issues and how  _we_ work together change the reality you're experiencing. Your child's welfare is on the line –the stakes don't get much higher. We have to start to work through the issues surrounding Logan, because as I said earlier –you're tied together for the rest of your lives now."

"Okay."

"Let's start with the stuff that's easy to talk about. Tell me why you love him."

"Why I fell in love with him at Yale or why I love him now?"

"Both."

* * *

At the same time that Rory was in therapy, Logan was enjoying a day off. His days off were increasing because his efforts to save  _The Stamford Eagle Gazette_ were succeeding; the more well-oiled the machine became, the less he was needed. In the back of his mind, Logan pondered what he was going to do when they didn't really need him at all anymore. But he did chuckle at the knowledge that he'd managed to prove Mitchum wrong; he could practically feel the steam coming out of his father's ears as he read Logan's updates reporting success. Being able to stick it to his father gave Logan a sense of pure, childish glee.

Logan was at Rory's house. Lorelai was busy at the Dragonfly and Luke was at the diner, so he was alone with his daughter. He was sitting in the living room reading a book while Hannah napped when suddenly, he heard her start to fuss in Rory's room. When he went to check on her, he noticed she was more flushed than he'd ever seen her. He didn't need to touch her to know that something was wrong, but when he did feel her skin, he started to panic.

"Lorelai, what do I do?"

"Logan?" Lorelai said in surprise when she picked up her phone.

"She's flushed and hot and fussy. I think something's really wrong. Lorelai,  _what do I do_?" Logan asked breathlessly. "She's my daughter and I don't even know what to do when –her mom's a basket case and her dad's good for nothing…"

"Logan, breathe. She's probably just got a slight fever. Go look under the sink in the kitchen."

"Why?"

"Do you want my help or don't you? Just do it. On the left, a few inches back from the cupboard door you'll find a thermometer and infants' Tylenol. Take the thermometer and stick it under her arm. Wait for it to beep. If it's over ninety-nine –well, let's just hope it's  _not_  over ninety-nine."

"You have stuff here? Why is it in the kitchen?"

"Do you think if Rory saw a 'baby fever preparedness kit', she'd handle it  _at all_  well? Do you think she's had enough mental wherewithal lately to know that she  _should_  have that stuff on hand, because her perfect child might just get sick? You know as well as I that she doesn't have that wherewithal. Luckily, Hannah has many others to look after her in ways that Roy doesn't seem to be ready to face just yet –like when she gets a little sick. Rory's not her usual 'prepare for every eventuality' self these days. I know you're pretty to look at Logan, and despite being an  _Ivy League educated_  pretty boy, you can be a little dense. Don't make me take back all the credit I've been giving you these past few months."

Logan found the medicine and the thermometer right where Lorelai said they would be. He did what she told him, trying to sooth Hannah as best he could while he stuck a scary looking thing under her arm. He thought he was going to hyperventilate as he waited for the thermometer to beep. "Ninety-nine point two," he said to Lorelai, taking great pains to ensure his tone was even, despite the fact that he was scared.

Lorelai hesitated for a split second. "It's okay. Follow the dosage instructions on the infants' Tylenol  _very_ carefully and watch her close. Take her temperature again in half an hour. If it's gone up  _at all_ , you need to take her to the doctor. If the fever is the same and she doesn't seem better –a little perkier- in an hour, take her to the doctor."

"Okay."

"Call me if you need anything, but I think you should be all right. Logan, just look after her. You may not think you know how, but trust me, you do. You're her dad. You may have needed my help to know what to do about her fever, that's normal –but you know how to be her dad, you know how to look after her, you know how to comfort her."

"Thanks."

"When's Rory due home?"

"I don't know –a while."

"Just keep Hannah calm –and keep yourself calm when you're explaining it to Rory," Lorelai said with a small chuckle.

"Yeah, right," Logan sighed. "All right, I'm gonna go. Get the medicine in her and then just… sit with her until she calms. Thanks Lorelai." He disconnected the call before bringing the medicine and thermometer in to his daughter, where she lay in her crib in Rory's room.

He picked up his daughter gently and looked down at her lovingly. Balancing her so that she was laid on her back in his lap, he measured out the dosage of the medicine carefully and quickly on a small baby spoon, before pulling her up into his arms and supporting her head as he fed it to her. "You sure do know how to make your dad worry about you there, Nannah," he said quietly, kissing her forehead softly, his heart breaking at how warm she felt and how uncomfortable she must be. Logan placed her gently back in her crib and didn't leave her side after that, watching her as she slept and relived when she woke a short time later and her normal colour seemed to be returning. She was calmer within the hour of getting the meds; her fever had gone down to only ninety-eight point seven, much to Logan's great relief.

He was doing everything in such a dizzy blur and he was so frazzled and scared that he hadn't thought to put the baby Tylenol and thermometer back under the sink where he'd found them. All the remnants of Logan's panic and Hannah's minor fever were on full display on the kitchen table when Rory arrived home two hours later, after the ordeal had unfolded.

"Hi," Rory said slowly, noticing how on edge Logan seemed to be. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," Logan said, fatigue and adrenaline coursing through his veins in equal measure.

Rory cast her eyes to the kitchen table, where she saw the infants' Tylenol, a baby thermometer, a damp cloth and a baby spoon. "What's all this? Logan, what happened?"

"She was fussy. When I checked on her I noticed she was a bit flushed; she felt warm, so I –"

"She was running a fever?!"

"A small one."

"It doesn't matter how –!"

"She's fine, Ace. I gave her some infants' Tylenol and stayed in your room with her. Her fever broke, just before you walked in the door. She's okay."

"Did you take her to the doctor? How could you take her to the pediatrician and get back here and do all this before I got home?" Rory asked, feeling panic rise within her. "Are you sure she's okay?"

"Yes. Rory," Logan let out a sigh. "I called your mom. She told me what to do. She had all this stuff here –the thermometer, the Tylenol- just in case something like this happened. Your mom talked me through everything –trust me, I was just as panicked as you. I promise you, Hannah is fine."

"You're sure?"

"I took her temperature again five minutes ago. It's back to normal. This happens. Sometimes, babies get fevers. We'll watch her close for the rest of the day to make sure it doesn't come back, but she should be fine. I called the pediatrician after I did everything your mom said to make sure and she said this is the exactly what we should be doing."

Rory let out a tiny sob and ran into her bedroom, where she found Hannah, fast asleep. She leaned down and pressed her lips to her daughter's head, careful not to wake her –she didn't feel abnormally warm anymore –Logan must've been right. She walked back out to the kitchen with her shoulders slumped.

Logan rose from the chair he was sitting in to wrap his arms around her. He kissed her head softly. "It's okay, Ace," he whispered. "How'd it go today?"

"Good, sort of –I think," Rory whispered. "Logan, I –I…"

"What? You can tell me."

"I –I don't –I don't trust you as much as I wish I could. I know you love me, and you love Hannah, and you're here putting up with me and you'd do anything to protect her… even… I know that, and that's all good. But, objectively, given the history we're coming from I –I have trust issues. It doesn't mean I don't love you –that I don't want to love you- or that I think you don't love Hannah. I know you do. I do love you, and I'm so glad you're here. But I –I don't know if I trust you. And I'm going to work on it, but –I don't know how long it'll take for that trust to come," Rory said quietly, without looking at him.

Logan sighed sadly. "That makes sense, I guess. I'm glad you could tell me that… a few weeks ago, I don't think you would've."

"Probably not," she admitted.

"I'm not under the impression that I won't mess up, or that we won't butt heads… but… one day at a time is all we can do. Let's just try –let's try not to push each other away. Even if we're not exactly on the best ground –can we try not to push each other any further away?"

"I think so, yeah."

"Okay, good."

"Hannah's really fine?" Rory asked, looking up at Logan with wide eyes.

"Hannah's really fine," Logan promised. "I took care of her."

* * *

"So, wait, where'd you two meet then?" Jess asked. "Did you ever tell me?"

Ella blushed.

"You  _really_  have to stop doing that –looking like I'm going to assign prayers as pennants if I don't like your answer. He's your boyfriend. We're having dinner with him. Would you prefer I ask  _him_ how you two met? He's probably going to be surprised that you didn't tell me yourself."

"Remember at Luke's diner, that Asian woman who wanted the reverend to pray for me…?"

"This just got a hell of a lot more interesting than I ever thought it would be…"

"It wasn't… exactly like that, but it was similar. I was at Starbucks and some elderly guy with a cane hobbled over to me and started telling me about the time he broke his hip and 'What did you break, little lady?' and his brother who had polio and used a wheelchair –"

"Oh dear God," Jess rolled his eyes.

"I know right?" Ella laughed. "This guy would  _not_ leave me alone. Why I'm a magnet for every elderly person with some kind of infirmity is beyond me –like, no, we do  _not_  share some amazing bond – _Cripples Unite!_ is not a thing. Anyway, he was talking my ear off –and I guess I wasn't hiding my pain very well; Mike was sitting at the table behind me and got up and called me 'sweetie' and started going on about how he didn't see me there and he must've been waiting for me at the wrong table. He kissed me on the cheek and I guess it made the old guy sheepish or uncomfortable or something, because he finally left."

"Equal parts bold –ballsy, even- and smooth. I like it. He's also lucky  _you_  liked it, or he would've been a dead, formerly bold –formerly ballsy, even- and formally smooth guy."

"I thought he was pretty gorgeous, so I let him get away with it. He offered to buy me another tea, so I let him."

"Good for you," Jess smiled. "He hasn't turned crazy, has he?"

"If he had, do you really think we'd all be having dinner together?"

"Good point. What time is he getting here?"

"Any minute now. I told Greg and Kristen to be here at seven. She offered to bring her homemade meatloaf."

"Nice. My God, I haven't socialized with four different people at once in a good long while."

"I know. I'm glad you're finding your way out of the dark place," Ella said gently. "The Jess I know is a much more common presence than he has been for the last few months. You're okay, Mariano."

"Yeah, I feel more normal than I have in –but, before everyone gets here, I do have to tell you… when we were in Stars Hollow, I  _may_  have agreed to spend Thanksgiving with Luke.  _In_  Stars Hollow."

Ella very badly wanted to jump in, but she sensed the explanation she was looking for was about to be given to her.

"Last year, right before his and Lorelai's wedding, I may have mentioned that it'd be nice to spend next Thanksgiving with him –"

"And next Thanksgiving is now this Thanksgiving."

"Right. He brought it up a few weeks ago when we were talking on the phone. Said he knew that with everything that's happened since his wedding, that in Stars Hollow might be the last place I would ever want to be, but he wanted to check. Give me enough time to think about it, change my mind –a lot, if necessary. When we were in Stars Hollow last week, when the two of us were upstairs getting the dresser drawers, I told him –tentatively- that I'd come."

"Wow," Ella said when he'd finished explaining. "That's –a lot."

"I know," Jess sighed. "Am I insane? Is this a terrible thing to even tentatively have agreed to?"

"Does Rory know?"

"I made him promise not to say anything to her or Lorelai, in case I do change my mind."

Ella took a deep breath and searched out Jess' dark eyes with her own before offering her thoughts. "No, I don't think you're insane. I think you've been keeping to yourself for a long time trying to come to terms with everything, and you're getting there. But part of coming to terms with it is facing it –facing Rory, being around Hannah. I think you wish you didn't have such a bond with that baby –I think part of you wishes that over the last few months, that bond would've felt diminished, but it hasn't. I think you really _do_  want to be part of that child's life, and if you have any chance of doing that and finding a way to make peace with Rory so that you can all find a way to be friends, while all loving Hannah, you know your golden hour is coming to a close. Soon, you have to start tentatively wading back in, or you might never find normalcy with Rory again; and if you can't do that, you won't be able to find a way to love Hannah without it hurting you. I think you see this as an opportunity –and you're not wrong. I think you're approaching with extreme caution, which is smart –you're allowing yourself to back out at any time, which isn't stupid, it's smart. I think you're doing your best. And I think your best in this situation is a hell of a lot better than almost anyone else's best."

Jess smirked.

"No matter what you decide –if you go, or if you back out, I support you. Even if you do the thing that you'll assume makes you weak, I'll be here to smack some sense into you and tell you, the  _last_  thing that it makes you is weak. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Hey. So Mike's having Thanksgiving dinner with me at my dad's. You have a standing invitation for pie and coffee, possibly a second helping of turkey. Or a first, followed by a second, if need be."

"What?"

"If you feel like you need to get out, you can tell everyone you have somewhere to be. You're dining and dashing for a reason. No one will be able to fault you for it. If they try to, tell them to come pick a fight with me –if they dare. And if you decide not to go at all, there'll be a place at my dad's table set for you, either way."

Jess chuckled softly and pulled Ella into a tight hug. "Thank you," he whispered.

"You're welcome."

* * *

Jess had a much better time at dinner with Ella, Mike and Greg and Kristen than he expected. It was actually almost easy to be normal and spend a nice, low-key night with friends.

Mike seemed to be a very good fit for Ella and he was happy for them –the more he got to know this guy, the more he liked him, which was uncommon for Jess in general, much less when the guy in question seems to have stolen his best friend's heart.

Mike was just a genuinely good guy –someone whom, a little over a decade ago, Jess would've had a hard time  _not_  punching in the face. Secretly, he was convinced Ella's boyfriend was Canadian; it was the only thing that explained how naturally nice he was; it offered the slightest, most remote explanation for why Jess bought into it at all. If Americans were that nice, they deserved to get punched in the face; odds were, a lot of Americans with Mike's degree of niceness were either lying, or not very bright, in Jess' view. Mike denied any direct ties to their great northern neighbours, but Jess still had his suspicions.

The night wasn't without its awkward moments, though –regardless of the fun that was had by all. Greg's wife Kristen –another person Jess found _annoyingly_  lovable; when had he become such a softie? Kristen was insistent that she had a friend who was perfect for Jess.

He'd been single for a long time, so he couldn't fault her for noticing; he didn't even assume that Greg had shared his concerns over Jess' single status with her. Despite the fact that she was his friend's wife, Jess also considered Kristen a friend of his own, which is why it was so awkward; what he wouldn't have given to have been able to be rude and abrupt with her. Kristen didn't mean any harm, but Jess must've bitten his tongue and his lip at least half a dozen times as she told him all about her friend and why they'd be such a good match.

In the back of his mind, he knew he'd have to start dating eventually, but eventually didn't feel like now; eventually felt like – _eventually._

To her credit, Ella tried to change the subject to save Jess from the discomfort, but Kristen persevered, undaunted. In the end, Jess heard her out and told her he wasn't exactly in the right headspace to be set up at the moment, but when he was, he'd let her know; if this –or any other friend of hers she thought was right for him was game for a setup when he was ready, he'd consider it. When the time was right for him, he would give Kristen permission to play matchmaker once or twice if she really wanted to.

Kristen had no idea how lucky she was that Jess liked her.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not dead! I'm moving next week so life is crazy, guys. That's why with the long silence and that is why, sadly, there might be a long wait for the next one too. I hope I can get it to you sooner rather than later, but you might need to be patient.

"Did you share any of your feelings from our last session with Logan, Rory?" Dr. Bowman asked.

"Generally, yes. Specifically, no," Rory answered.

"What do you mean by that?"

"I told him I loved him, but I wasn't sure if I trusted him –that I was working on it, but I didn't know how long it would take that trust to come back. But we didn't really discuss it at all. I just, kinda, told him and that was that."

"I'm surprised you could come to terms with letting the initial truth out and that it didn't lead to come kind of discussion. But the fact that you shared those feelings with him at all is a good step in the right direction, especially given the tone of our discussion. How did he respond?"

"Better than I thought he would actually –he didn't get mad, or tell me I was out of line. He just sighed in a kind of sad way and told me it made sense. He asked me if I thought the least we could both agree to was to not  _try_ to push each other further away. Seemed fair to me."

"I think it is too. May I ask what inspired you to be so open with him about the nature of what we discussed? I'm very proud of this forward progress, I want to help you build on it."

Rory shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "When I came home from my appointment with you I walked into the kitchen –my bedroom, where Hannah sleeps right now, it's off the kitchen- and found Logan sitting at the table with infants' Tylenol, a damp cloth and a thermometer. I guess Hannah spiked a tiny fever while I was gone. He didn't know what to, do so he called my mom –she was at work. She I guess had bought a bunch of stuff in case Hannah did spike a fever, or whatever, at some point and she told Logan where to find the stuff and what to do –and he did it. I was consumed with guilt because usually –I'm obsessed with lists and being prepared but I've been so –I wasn't prepared at all and I felt like the worst mother ever. I didn't even know my mom had bought meds and a thermometer to keep in the house! I should've been the one to buy those things, but it never occurred to me They were right there in the house and she didn't tell me! I know, it was not to panic me, but still, I felt  _so_ terrible. Anyway… I was relieved and impressed that Logan took care of her, that he was able to and that he did. By the time I got home her fever was gone and she was sleeping. I ran in my room to check on her and when I came back out to the kitchen I –I just told him."

"So, he earned it," Dr. Bowman smiled, referencing her comment from the previous week.

"I guess he did, yeah."

"It's understandable, Rory –your reluctance to elaborate with Logan on what your trust issues are. As I said, even the fact that you told him you had trust issues at all, and the fact that he accepted this quite easily, without delegitimizing your feelings or viewing them as an attack on him –it's huge and promising progress for both of you."

Rory smiled. For the first time, she knew Dr. Bowman was right. They had a long way to go; most progress was going to be slow and Logan was certainly waging an internal war all his own, but this was a good thing.

"What do you think about having him come to a few sessions with you in the coming weeks? Not every week, but maybe every other week, a few times so that the two of you can engage in an open dialogue and really talk to each other about the trust issues you're experiencing and where they come from? It would also give him the chance to share with you and talk about any fears or uncertainties he's experiencing on his end of things. I want to give both of you the opportunity to  _really_ talk about these things. It can't all be covered in one session, which is why I suggest that maybe he come to a few. It may be less daunting to unpack all those things here, in a safe space, than to do it alone. It may be that by talking to each other here, you can be more honest with one another than you could be, if facing the prospect of such a difficult conversation alone."

"Yeah. I think that'd be okay –good for us, even. I'll ask him."

"Will you  _reall_ y ask him?"

"Yes," Rory insisted, chuckling slightly and rolling her eyes, "I'll  _really_ ask him. I just said, it could be good for us. I know it's a rare occurrence, Dr. Bowman, but this is what me agreeing with you looks like. I promise –I'll ask him. Even more earth shattering –he'll probably even agree to come."

* * *

"Lorelai, this is ludicrous," Emily sighed into the receiver. "Hannah is over five months old. Rory must have told that baby's father by now."

"I can't really comment," Lorelai said awkwardly.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous –of course you can."

"Not on this. It's Rory's personal business, Mom."

"Oh, so suddenly because it's 'personal' you can't comment? You comment on people's personal business all the time. Rudely. I'm surprised you haven't been arrested."

"Need I remind you who, among the two of us,  _has_ been arrested?"

"Lorelai," Emily warned sternly.

"I'm sorry Mom. This time, I'm Switzerland. I can't tell you this."

"If your father were alive –"

"I'd be Switzerland with him too. Don't do that," Lorelai snapped. "Don't you dare."

"Rory would've told  _him_."

"Don't be so sure of that. Especially after your rousing speech to her about how earth shatteringly disappointed he would've been –do you remember telling her you were  _glad_ he wasn't  _alive_  to see her this way? You're not really one to inspire people to confide in you."

"It's absurd, Lorelai," Emily said again. "Am I  _really_  never to know who the father of my great granddaughter is? Really, Rory is acting like a petulant child. She's had ample opportunity to talk to me about it; the fact that she's so deftly avoiding it is irresponsible."

"How is it irresponsible?" Lorelai questioned defensively. "How does  _you_ knowing who Hannah's father is effect  _Rory's_ ability to be her mother? It doesn't. You're just upset that there's something that you don't know."

"Does he know? Hannah's father?"

"Rory will talk to you about this when she's ready, Mom. In the meantime, rest assured –Hannah is fine."

"How in the world are we supposed to have nice family gatherings if I don't know something so basic as who her father is? Is that any way for Rory to be raising her daughter?"

"Because Gilmore family gatherings have such a reputation for being docile, placid, low-key, fun events, historically speaking…"

"I've had just about enough of your sass, Lorelai."

"And I've had enough of this inquisition! What part of 'Rory will talk to you when she's ready,' don't you understand? It hasn't been an easy adjustment for her, Mom; she's going through a lot."

"She should be able to talk to me about it!"

"Because you're so non-judgemental and easy going…"

"Lorelai Victoria Gilmore…"

"Oh geez, not with the middle name like I'm five! I will pass your message along to Rory, okay? I'll make sure she knows how insufferable you're being."

"Christmas will be ruined if this hangs in the air, Lorelai."

"Yeah, sure. That's what'll ruin Christmas. Don't jinx it –you don't even know if we'll survive Thanksgiving. Luke might poison the turkey!"

"That's enough."

"Yes. It is. I gotta go, Mom. It was  _so_ nice talking to you."

"Fine. I'm sorry if I was –but Lorelai, it feels so terrible! She talks to me, but she doesn't talk to me."

"You're not the only one. Mom –she  _will_ tell you, but not if you try and force her to before she's ready and not if you use Dad's memory to shame her. The only thing that ensures is that eventually she'll stop talking to you completely."

Emily stayed silent.

"I really do have to go. I'll talk to you soon."

"Goodbye, Lorelai."

Lorelai sighed heavily as she hung up the phone.

"What's with the long face?" Luke asked, coming into the living room.

"My mother. She's losing her mind because Rory hasn't told her who Hannah's father is."

"She hasn't? Still? That's…"

"It doesn't matter what you and I think about it, Luke. It's Rory's information to share and no one else's."

"And Emily hates that."

"She  _hates_ it. She keeps bringing up my dad, saying how if he were alive, Rory would've talked to  _him._  I can deal with a lot from my mother –but when she uses the memory of my father to –"

"I'm sorry," Luke sighed, taking Lorelai in his arms and kissing her head softly. "I don't even know what to say."

"There's nothing to say," Lorelai whispered. "That's just Emily Gilmore."

"Your mother may be crass and harsh, but she has a point. She will have to find out eventually. The longer it takes, the worse she's going to be about it."

"You don't think I know that?"

"I know you do, I'm just saying –you should talk to Rory."

"Talk to me about what?" Rory asked, coming in the house after returning from therapy.

"I'm gonna go check on Hannah," Luke said quietly, pecking Lorelai's lips as he left the room.

"We gotta talk, kid," Lorelai sighed, plunking herself down on the couch.

Rory followed suit, cautiously. "What's going on?"

"Your grandmother's on the war path."

"About what?"

"Hannah –more specifically, who her father is. I know you're dealing with a lot and I've tried to deftly avoid the subject with her –I've told her it's your news to share, not mine. 'I'm Switzerland!' I keep saying. But Hun, you can't not tell her ever. It's a wonder she's held out this long before getting nasty –"

"She's getting nasty? With you? How? What's she saying?"

"Don't worry about it. The point is, we're at an impasse here. I think the jig's up. You gotta tell her."

Rory sighed.

"You've been right to focus on you. On Hannah. On you and Logan trying to figure things out. But you can't dodge the bullet forever. If you choose to do that, you might be indirectly choosing to forego any future relationship with your grandmother, and quash any chances of Hannah being able to know her."

"It's that bad?"

Lorelai nodded solemnly. "You can't be  _that_ surprised that she's reaching the end of her tether, Rory. Hannah's over five months. You've done a stellar job, avoiding the inevitable. But you can't avoid it anymore –if you do, you'd be making an implicit choice that can't be taken back. It's time to face the music."

"When?" Rory asked quietly. "I mean, when should I –how do I –"

"Well, you have options. None are particularly  _good_  –but they are options, nonetheless. You could call her and tell her. Plus side being you're not  _there_ with her and will be somewhat protected from the destruction of her shock and probable rage; negative side being that there's nothing to stop her from  _coming here_  to unleash on you, thereby shattering your bubble and your safe space."

"Okay…"

"Alternatively, there's always Christmas."

"How would that possibly be better?"

"Who said anything about better? It's another option. We could wait until the end of the holiday to tell her –have the conversation the day before we leave Nantucket. That way the only thing that might ruin Christmas are her ice queen tendencies –not the news itself. If you wait until the end of the Christmas visit, there's also no chance that she'll still be stewing over the news itself when we get there, thus maybe making the whole trip torture."

"What would you do? If it were you –what would you do?"

Lorelai contemplated this question. "Call me nuts, but I'd wait until right before leaving Nantucket. I'm not really sure I can explain the logic behind that instinct, but…"

"No," Rory said slowly, "it makes sense."

"It'll give you time to talk to Logan about it. I mean, he still hasn't told his family, has he?"

"Aside from Honour, no."

"You could also talk about it with the good therapist… maybe work out the best way to word it –practice, even, as ridiculous as that sounds."

"Yeah, that makes sense. It's probably a good idea. Christmas it is," Rory sighed.

"Okay," Lorelai smiled.

"How do we placate her until then?"

"It's only five weeks… we've procrastinated longer than that about other things before. We'll figure it out."

* * *

Logan picked up his phone as soon as he saw who was calling. "Hey…"

"Hey."

"Usually this is the other way around."

"I know."

"What's going on?" There was nothing but silence. "Jess… you called me, remember?"

"I know. Do you have a sec? Is now a good time?"

"If it wasn't, I wouldn't have picked up."

"Right," Jess sighed. "You can't say anything to Rory…"

"That seems to be a theme with us. What's up?"

"What are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"Excuse me?" Logan asked in surprise, laughing quietly. "You're not really my type, Jess…"

"Funny. Asshole. Are you going to be with family, or…?"

"My parents are in London. My sister's in San Francisco."

"So, you'll be in Stars Hollow then?"

"Probably. Unless Rory locks me out for some reason. Why?"

"I think I might…" Jess faltered. "Luke invited me to Stars Hollow. I think I might… I told him I'd be there. Rory doesn't know –Lorelai either- if I change my mind I don't want –"

"No, that makes sense. So, that's… wow. Okay then."

"I don't know why I'm telling you. I guess because it's gonna be awkward and tense enough, so if you're at least half expecting me, you can –"

"Have a better poker face and keep Rory from spinning out, because you'll be working hard enough to keep your own crap in check. Got it."

"Yeah."

"Look, Jess –just do whatever you need to do. Whatever you decide, no judgement. If you do come, I'll give you some space when you get there, let you and Rory talk, give you time to be with Hannah, to digest –everything. It's not easy, what you're doing, but I get why you're doing it. It's make or break time, right?"

"Something like that."

"I get it. I've got your back."

"It is both terrifying and disturbing not only that you offer the support, but that I'm actually fucking comforted by it," Jess said, laughing cynically.

"I know the feeling."

"Just more evidence that we may as well be living in an alternate dimension."

"True. So, I guess I'll see you next week then? Probably? Maybe?"

"Looks that way."

"All right. Take it easy, Jess," Logan said.

"Yeah, you too," Jess sighed. He disconnected the call and let himself fall back onto his bed, where he proceeded to stare at the ceiling for over an hour, trying to talk himself out of what he was preparing to do.


	39. Chapter 39

 " _Hey," Jess said quietly._

_"Hey," Rory replied softly. They kissed quickly, a light peck on the lips._

  _Jess turned to Lorelai. "_ _Hi."_

_"_ _Hi. Happy Thanksgiving. So, are you joining us?" Lorelai asked, trying to sound pleasant._

_"Uh, sure, if that's okay."_

_"_ Y _eah! Sit, sit."_

_Luke and Cesar appeared, carrying plates piled high with turkey, potatoes, stuffing and all the traditional fixings._

_"_ _God, I'm starved," Jess said as he sat down._

_"_ Y _ou could've eaten," Luke muttered as he put everyone's plates in front of them._

_"_ _You kept telling me not to eat."_

_"_ _I_   _did not."_

_"_ _You did too. You said you were waiting for them."_

_"_ _Aw, you didn't have to wait for us," Lorelai said sweetly._

_"_ _I wasn't waiting for you, it just worked out this way," Luke assured her._

_Jess rolled his eyes. "_ _Right."_

_"_ _Looks great," Rory offered._ _  
_

_"_ _Tasty," Lorelai agreed._ _  
_

_"_ _Shouldn't we give thanks first?" Luke asked, a little awkwardly._ _  
_

_"_ _Thanks for what?" Jess challenged._ _  
_

_"_ _Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets."_

_"Amen," Lorelai said._ _  
_

_"So where you guys in your day?" Luke asked._

_"We hit the Kim's, we hit Sookie's, and we go to the grandparents from here," Rory answered._ _  
_

_"_ _Full day," Lorelai said._ _  
_

_"_ _Yeah. Well, you can skip eating this one if you want. Just have cokes or something, it's no big deal," Luke offered._ _  
_

_"_ _No! No way. You're the main event today, my friend."_ _  
_

_"_ _Oh, good."_ _  
_

_"_ _What's good are the yams," Rory said._ _  
_

_"_ _Definitely. Got some more marshmallows?" Lorelai asked._ _  
_

_"_ _Yeah, I can grab some," Luke said, getting up and nodding to Jess. "Hey, refill some coffees."  
_

_Luke and Jess both disappeared_ _  
_

_"_ _So, no offense, but lame-o kiss," Lorelai said to Rory, before leaning over to steal some of Luke's food with her fork._ _  
_

_"_ _What?"_ _  
_

_"You and Jess, like a couple chickens pecking at each other."_ _  
_

_"_ _Mind your own business," Rory said, with a childish lilt in her voice._ _  
_

_"_ _Well, it was right in front of me," Lorelai reasoned.  
_

* * *

Jess wasn't normally a fidgety man; even if he was screaming and raging on the inside, he was a master of the calm, cool façade. But it seemed that in the last year, his ability to keep his cool abandoned him on a regular basis. Granted, his life had become a series of extreme circumstances that bordered on an absurd sketch-comedy –but still. "What am I doing?" he asked breathlessly.

"Having Thanksgiving dinner with your uncle," Ella answered. Jess didn't even say hello when he called her. She didn't need him to.

"El…"

"What? That's what you're doing. Forget the rest of it. That's what you went there to do –have Thanksgiving dinner with your uncle. He invited you and you accepted his invitation."

"Yeah, except Rory and my non-kid have no idea I'm about to walk inside."

"Hannah's like, what –almost six months old? If she was conscious and aware that you were about to walk in like you're inferring, I'd be very scared. Jess… you can do this. I again point to the fact that this is the decision you made. Your freak out is justified and I know you've been having it for weeks, but you drove –what I'm guessing is pretty much all the way there- before freaking out at all  _today_ , which leads me to believe that fear aside, you've made up your mind; this is what you're doing. Do you want to just turn around and come here? I told you, you can. No shame."

Jess was silent for a long time, before sighing in a frustrated, resigned manner. "No. I'll be there for coffee and pie. Make sure Papa MacNeil has a very  _large_  slice of pie waiting for me. And an  _Irish_  coffee. A strong one."

"Absolutely," Ella said, the smile evident in her voice. "Stay for as much or as little of dinner as you want, Jess. Get out of there when you  _need_ to get out of there. Fuck being polite. Do what  _you_ need to do for  _you_. It's gonna be hard and awkward and tense –and you  _are_ doing the right thing, but there's no need to torture yourself. Go show that Thanksgiving dinner who's boss, Mariano."

"Don't let your dad scare off that boyfriend of yours, MacNeil."

"Oh please… my dad's like, the kindest man alive. He's a beloved –nearly retired- middle school teacher. The most shocking retort he's got in his arsenal is 'Holy jumping monkeys!' I don't think he could scare anyone off if he tried."

"True. But Mike's not just anyone –he's your  _boyfriend_. Your dad could have a secret, horrifyingly effective set of intimidation tactics you've never before witnessed."

Ella rolled her eyes. "Trust me, he doesn't. Jess?"

"Yeah?"

"Stop procrastinating. It'll be okay –just rip off the bandage. I'll see you in a little while."

"Yeah. Count on it. Thanks, El," Jess said quietly. "See you in a bit."

Jess took another five minutes sitting at the back of the Gilmore's driveway, obscured from sight by Luke's truck in front of him and Lorelai's Jeep, Logan's rental car and Rory's car parked alongside his driver side. He took a few steadying breaths before gritting his teeth, grabbing the bottle of red wine he'd bought on the way out of Brooklyn and finally getting out of the car.

He walked very slowly up the driveway and the front steps before swallowing hard, closing his eyes tightly and shaking his head violently in order to calm his nerves. It didn't work, but he knew he couldn't just stand out there all day. Finally, he rang the doorbell with one, cold, clammy finger.

_Please let Luke answer the door. PLEASE let Luke be the one who answers the door. Please, please, please! I don't know if I can handle any of the people who belong to the other cars is in this driveway answering this damn door right now. If it's anyone other than Luke, this whole thing might be over before it starts,_ Jess thought to himself frantically, rocking back and forth on his heels nervously as he waited for the door to open.

He was positive that it was too late to run. The opportunity to bolt had come and gone in a blink. All he could do now was wait, tensely, holding that wine bottle in an increasingly clammy palm. He really hoped it didn't slip through his sweaty hand only to shatter at his feet the moment the door opened.

With these and countless other anxious thoughts running through his brain, Jess waited, rocking on his heels all the while.

Luke answered the door and almost staggered back at what he saw. "You –hey! You… you came," he stammered, stepping forward to grasp Jess' shoulder affectionately.

"I am not a hologram," Jess confirmed. "Hey, Luke. This is –here. For you. Everyone, I guess," he said stutteringly, offering Luke the wine bottle.

"Oh! That's great!" Luke said, taking it from him. "You didn't have to."

"Well, I did. Traditionally, the guests bring the booze."

"Thanks, Jess. Come in!"

Jess stepped inside the house as though he were literally walking on eggshells.

"Rory's in the kitchen, if you wanted to –" Luke began to whisper.

"Who was at the door?" Lorelai yelled from the kitchen.

"Are you at the stove? Lorelai Gilmore-Danes, get  _away_  from the stove! Logan! Get my wife away from the stove!"

"Lorelai…" they heard Logan say.

Jess stared at Luke with a look of what some might call abject shock. "You're enlisting  _his_  help to keep her on a leash in the kitchen?! Hell must be really cold right now," he whispered.

"Shut it. He's the only one who can physically keep her away."

"Sure…"

"Hey, uh… Lorelai, Logan, can you come here actually?"

"What's going on out there, Luke?" Rory asked.

Jess paled slightly at the sound of her voice. His palms started sweating even more than they already were. Luke saw the panicked look in his nephew's eye and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. The two of them stayed rooted just inside the front door.

"Don't worry, Rory. Just need to talk to your mom and Logan for a sec," Luke called back to her. "Guys!"

"You come in here!" Lorelai yelled.

"No! I want you  _away from my stove_ , woman!" Luke yelled back.

"Okay, okay. Don't get your plaid shirt in a twist…" Lorelai muttered, being pushed into the living room by Logan. She stopped short when she saw who Luke had let in the door. Blinking hard, she pointed towards the couch. Turning around to look at Logan, she would recall later how unsurprised he seemed to be, to see Jess standing there. "Wow. This is… hi."

"Hey," Jess said quickly. "Happy Thanksgiving," he added.

Lorelai smiled. "How –how are you, Jess?"

"Well, I'm not bleeding or anything."

Lorelai chuckled under her breath, reminded of a time long ago when she'd asked him the same question and he'd given her the exact same answer. It was a very minor exchange, something she didn't even realize she remembered until he uttered the same response now. "It's good to see you."

"Sorry to just show up. I didn't want to tell you I was coming in case I –"

"No, no. It's okay."

"Glad to see you, Jess," Logan said quietly, extending his hand.

"Hell is an icebox."

"Wait, why?" Luke and Lorelai asked.

"Because I'm not arguing with him on that," Jess smirked wryly, shaking Logan's hand.

"I'm glad you came," Logan said.

"Jury's still out on whether  _I'm_  glad I came," Jess admitted.

"Understandable. Listen, I'm gonna –go for a drive… Luke, Lorelai, do you need me to pick anything up? Are we missing anything that we need for dinner?"

"No, I think everything's set," Luke said. "Lorelai, why don't we drop in on Babette and Maury –chat with them a while?"

"Sure, yeah," Lorelai nodded. "I think Patty's over there now too."

"Perfect –three birds with one stone. How long do you think you'll need, Jess?" Luke asked quietly.

"That is a question I definitely do not have an answer for," Jess whispered heavily.

"We'll give you at least half an hour," Logan said. "Come on guys."

With that, Logan, Lorelai and Luke slipped quietly out the front door.

Jess didn't know what to do. Get up and go into the kitchen? Or stay on the couch and let Rory find him? From the other room, he heard Hannah fuss slightly and his heart started pumping faster. Ella was right –if he was being truthful, he  _was_  in fact a little disappointed to find that the time away from Hannah didn't have the unintended consequence of making him feel less connected to her.

_Stay where you are_ , he thought to himself.  _It won't take Rory long to notice that the house is conspicuously quiet. If you try and walk in there, you might have trouble putting one foot in front of the other._

"Where did everyone go, little girl?" Jess heard Rory ask Hannah in a sing-song tone. "It's so quiet! Let's see if we can find them."

Footsteps. Headed in his direction. Jess swallowed hard and balled his hands into fists, running them up and down his thighs nervously.

Rory stopped short and gasped quietly as she crossed the threshold into the living room and looked up from Hannah's face to see Jess sitting on her couch. Her chin instantly started to quiver and she felt a painful lump rise in her throat –so big, she had trouble drawing air into her lungs. She was so transfixed that Hannah began to slip from her arms –Rory startled and tightened her grip on her daughter without taking her eyes off him. She was afraid that if she blinked or looked away, Jess would disappear –nothing but a figment of her imagination.

Jess clenched his jaw at the sight of Hannah –the pictures Logan had been sending didn't do this beautiful baby justice. She was so big! Her eyes were so wide and expressive! There was a soft layer of very light brown hair covering her head –still definitely brown, but lightened by Logan's genes. Jess was surprised that he could recognize this trait and rationalize it in his head –attribute it to Logan- without feeling crushed; and yet, he still seemed to be breathing in and out just fine.

He glanced at Rory without letting himself lock eyes with her just yet. She looked tired, spent and sad –better than when he'd seen her at her therapist's office, but still distinctly deflated and defeated. She looked like she was forty-three rather than thirty-three, the stress of her new reality evident in every fibre of her being. Jess didn't know whether his being there –breaking the cone of silence- would help or hurt not just her but both of them, or Hannah for that matter. Only time would tell. "Hi," he whispered finally.

"Hi," Rory squeaked out. She inhaled a shaky breath and exhaled deeply. "Hi."

"Hi."

"We could really do this all day."

Jess smirked. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"You too."

"Sorry to just –show up. Luke invited me a while back, before any of this… I didn't know if I was going to come. So, I figured the safest bet was not to say anything."

"Fair enough. How are you?"

"I'm okay," he said honestly. "Still –still working through… everything. But I'm okay."

"Good," Rory smiled.

"You?"

"About the same."

"Good," Jess said softly. "Do you wanna… sit? I promise I won't bite."

Slowly, Rory shifted her weight and made her way to the couch. She sat down delicately, like a little girl doing her very best not to wrinkle her favourite dress. "It's so good to see you," she whispered. "Can I… can I give you a hug?"

"Sure," Jess answered quietly.

Rory leaned towards him tentatively, wrapping her free arm around his neck and resting her head on one of his broad shoulders.

Jess wrapped a tentative arm around Rory's back –not pulling her closer, but not pushing her away either. When he felt Hannah squirm gently against his chest from where she lay in Rory's arm, he clenched his jaw again and screwed his eyes shut tightly, willing his emotions back down.

"Thank you for coming."

"Yeah."

As they pulled apart, Hannah started getting restless. Jess had to practically stick his hands under his legs to keep from reaching for her.

As if reading his mind, Rory asked, "Do you want to hold her?"

Jess nodded silently and had to concentrate on keeping his hands from shaking as he waited for Rory to place Hannah in his arms. "My goodness, Hannah Banana! When did you get so heavy?" he whispered against her skin, lifting her up and hugging her against his shoulder, holding her head gently in his palm. "I love you, my little Hannah Banana. I've missed you, little one. I'm sorry I haven't been around much. Can you forgive me?"

Hannah blew a messy spit bubble onto Jess' shoulder and cooed before reaching up and grabbing a fistful of his hair, yanking on it –hard.

"So, the spit bubble and the coo equal a yes, but yanking my hair out by the root is the price I pay, huh? A woman with standards –I like it," he said softly, swallowing a lump in his throat.

Rory's heart swelled watching Jess and Hannah interact. She started to laugh and felt tears sting her eyes –happy ones, for a change. As the moment passed, she took a deep breath and caught Jess' eye nervously. "Are we –you and I –are we –are we okay?"

"No," Jess sighed heavily, "we're not." When Rory started to nod sadly, he put a reassuring hand on her knee. "But we will be… eventually. Gotta start somewhere. I came here –that, evidently, is where we start."

"Okay. Do you wanna talk about it, or…?"

"I came here to see Hannah –and you- and Luke. I came here to have turkey and enjoy, at least a little, what I'm hoping isn't an  _entirely_  awkward Thanksgiving. That's a pretty tall order, considering everything. But I do believe it's possible that we  _will_ be okay. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. But being here is pretty much all I can do today, Rory. We will talk about it –we have to. But not today."

"Right. Makes sense."

"I mean, the fact that I have to sit at a 'family' table that includes Logan –you're lucky I didn't turn around and go right back home when I pulled up in your driveway, just based on that alone."

Rory laughed. "Fair point. But you guys do seem to do okay at getting along."

"Yeah –that'll never  _not_ be weird," Jess chuckled.

"I can see that. I'm glad you came, Jess."

"Me too," he paused awkwardly as Rory stared at him with big, sad eyes, clearly disappointed at his unwillingness to hash anything out right away. "I can't stay late. I promised Ella I'd have coffee and pie with her and her dad. Even if I was up for starting to talk stuff out today, I really don't have time."

Rory's gaze lightened when he offered this explanation. In the back of her head, she wondered if Ella had ever told him about when Rory had shown up at her apartment with Hannah. Given that Jess was here, in her living room, holding her daughter, Rory figured it was unlikely. "It's nice, you essentially get two Thanksgivings," she said quietly. "How is Ella?"

"Same as always," Jess smiled, readjusting Hannah to cradle her in his arm.

"Tell her I say hi."

"I will."

"Good."

"Rory –I  _will_  come back."

"What?"

"You've got this look in your eyes, like you'll never see me again after I walk out the door tonight. Like I came here to say hello and goodbye at the same time. I won't be around every day or anything… we need to do this slowly. But I  _will_ be around. Do you really think I'd come all the way here, open my heart up to this beautiful little baby, just to leave and never come back? If it was my intention to stay gone, I wouldn't have come back at all," Jess explained.

A single sob escaped Rory's throat and she nodded through her tears, smiling. "Okay."

They didn't really talk much after that. They sat on the couch –Jess holding Hannah- in silence.

* * *

Logan, Lorelai and Luke all came back in at once, talking amongst themselves. But they all instantly fell silent at the sight of Jess and Rory sitting quietly together. Lorelai felt a small lump in her throat at the sight of Jess holding Hannah, while Luke chuckled to himself, as if saying _Yup,_   _that's my nephew._

And Logan –Jess' eyes may have been fooling him, but as he turned around in response to everyone entering, he could've sworn that he saw Logan smile.

* * *

"Ella, stop checking your phone so much at the dinner table, it's rude," her father scolded, swallowing a mouthful of turkey.

"Says the man giving his daughter a talking to with a mouthful of food. Didn't anyone teach you to chew with your mouth closed, Dad? You leave it hanging open like that, you're going catch flies," Ella retorted with a smirk, turning her phone over, face down on the table.

"Are you two always like this?" Mike asked with a smile.

"No. We're being polite –it's Thanksgiving, and you're a guest," her dad answered him. "I don't know you well enough be rude to you."

"I'm actually pretty sure he doesn't know how to be rude," Ella said to Mike, squeezing his hand. "At least not on purpose. Don't worry."

As Mike and Ella's dad were clearing the table, there was a knock at the door.

The elder MacNeil went to answer the door, grumbling to himself about who could be showing up during Thanksgiving dinner. When he saw who was standing there, all his annoyance melted away. "Jess! Are you the reason why my daughter has been glued to her phone all night?"

"Probably," he smirked. "Sorry about that."

"I ought to smack some sense into you!"

"It's too late for that. You know that, Darren."

"Ah, but I am a teacher after all. I'll always try."

"I hated my teachers," Jess whispered, offering Ella's dad a bottle of Bailey's. "For the coffee. Well –my coffee at least."

Darren smiled and took the bottle without complaint. "Maybe mine too."

Jess laughed.

"You wouldn't have hated  _me_  if I had been your teacher, young man."

"You're way too wholesome. I would've  _hated you_. I would've relished in making your life hell."

Darren laughed easily, his blue eyes sparkling like aquamarine crystal when it catches the light. His smile was warm and comforting –even to Jess. He was in his late fifties, but no one would ever know it to look at him –his hair still had countless, large flecks of dark brown amongst the silver fox look he was embracing. He was well-built, fit and strong, like gym teachers were supposed to be but almost never were, unless you were Darren MacNeil.

Jess had always believed that teachers who loved their jobs were a myth, until he met Ella's dad almost eight years ago. He liked to believe that if he'd ever had a teacher –or any positive influence- like Darren when he was in middle school, he probably still would've dropped out in high school, but he might've felt bad about it, or even felt this nagging sense of letting someone down. As it was, Jess was still mildly surprised that he liked Darren as much as he did.

"You know the only reason I like you is because you're a small-time rock star, right? You being a teacher has nothing to do with it," Jess laughed.

"You've mentioned it, yes," Darren chuckled.

"How are the Weird Beets doing these days, anyway? Any gigs lined up?"

"We're playing a wedding, first week in December."

"Is Ella invited?"

"No, you cannot crash it, Jess."

"Damn."

"No, she's not coming –but if she were, she has a boyfriend she can bring to these things now."

"I know. But I'm more fun."

"How do you know that?"

"How do you know I'm not?" Jess challenged, arching an eyebrow. "Do you like him, by the way? The boyfriend? I do; it would be  _so_ weird if  _I_ liked him and  _you_ didn't _._ "

"I do actually. Quite a lot."

"You like everyone. Isn't that exhausting?" Jess asked teasingly.

"I tend to see the good, yes. But by and large, it's not too exhausting, no. Come on, hurry up and get your shoes off! You're just in time for apple pie and coffee!"

"Hey!" Ella said in surprise when she saw Jess walk into the dining room with her dad.

"Hey spitfire," Jess smirked. "Mike, good to see you, man," he said, extending his hand.

"Always good to see you, Jess," Mike smiled. "Should I have known you were coming?" he asked in a hushed tone, embarrassed at the thought that he was told and then promptly forgot.

"Should  _I_ have known you were coming?" Darren asked, in his best teacher voice.

" _I_  didn't even know I was coming," Jess chuckled. "Ella invited me for desert a few weeks ago. I figured it'd be a reward if I went and had Thanksgiving with my uncle and his family."

"So, I take it you went?"

Jess nodded

"And how was it, then?"

"Food was good. It was good to see everyone. It was had its tense, awkward moments, but it was good."

"Oh, I'm glad!"

"Yeah. I'm glad I went," Jess said, winking at Ella discreetly.

Ella smiled at him and let out a breath she wasn't aware she'd been holding in.

"So, Mike," Darren said when they all had a slice of apple pie in front of them; the men sipped on Irish coffees while Ella nursed her tea. "I saved the important questions for desert."

Mike laughed. Ella slipped her hand into his and gave it a loving squeeze.

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a junior partner at an architectural firm –Steedman & Wolfe. Right here in Brooklyn. Home grown firm. I've been there about two years now. We do mostly commercial buildings and park redesigns."

"I've heard of them. They've been in Brooklyn for a dog's age."

"A couple of dog's ages, actually. They've been in business for thirty years."

"You're happy there, are you?"

"Very, sir. On track for a promotion in a year or so, if my performance evaluations stay strong."

"That's excellent! But Mike, as I've said countless times: my students call me sir –I've been telling you all night that you can call me Darren."

"Sorry," Mike laughed quietly. "Darren."

"Well," Ella said with a happy sigh, raising her tea mug shakily. Her dad, Jess and Mike all eyed her with concern. "Don't worry guys, it's not full or piping hot anymore –I promise I won't spill it."

"You shouldn't make promises you know you might not be able to keep," Jess said sarcastically.

"Shut up, Groucho –or I won't include you in my toast."

"Your  _toast_?"

"Yes –I'm raising a glass –"

"Mug, technically," Mike interjected softly.

"A  _mug_ ," Ella giggled, "to my three favourite men. Cheers, fellas. Thanks for lovin' me so."

"I see your toast and raise you," Jess said before anyone could take a sip, literally raising his arm higher than he knew Ella's would go; she rolled her eyes at him. "To the spitfire who brought all these fellas together," he concluded, flashing his trademark crooked grin at her. "Happy Thanksgiving."


	40. Chapter 40

"Hey Jess," Greg smiled. "How was your Thanksgiving?"

"Interesting," Jess sighed. "A little awkward. But good. How about you, Greggers?"

"It was good, thanks. Would it _really_  be a holiday if things didn't get a  _little_  awkward once or twice?"

"No, probably not."

"You were in Stars Hollow, right? With Luke?"

"Yeah."

"How's Rory?"

"Good."

"Hannah?"

"Beautiful," Jess said quietly, allowing himself a tiny smile.

"I gotta get out to see her soon."

"Hannah? Why?"

"Not Hannah," Greg laughed. "I mean she's adorable, but it's her mother I have business with. It's great that Rory took time right after she was born –I think it was the right thing- but if we want  _Coffee & Pop Tarts_ not to flop because Truncheon's been such an accommodating publisher, we've gotta iron out her promotion tour to start in January."

"Have you and Rory started talking about it at all?"

"A little. I have to get out to her with a tentative schedule. I know it's hard for her to come out this way. I'm just so jammed for the next few weeks with a bunch of smaller stuff, getting to Connecticut will be tricky –but I'll find time."

"Do you have the schedule mocked up?" Jess asked. "I can bring it to her, talk some of it out with her, smooth out whatever small bumps I can, and get her to touch base with you to discuss the big stuff and iron it out. We are on a clock, right? If it'll help…"

"Yeah, that'd be great actually. But I thought you were wanting to stay out of this one?"

"You worried I'm gonna steal your thunder, pretty boy?" Jess teased.

"No," Greg laughed, "not at all. I just didn't think you were seeing much of her these days."

"I haven't been, but I can bring her a tentative schedule and run through it with her –the world will not open up and swallow me whole. If you don't have time…"

"You're busier than me!"

"I am. But the fact remains, it's easier for me to get to Stars Hollow than it is for you sometimes –a lot of the time actually. My uncle  _does_ live there, so I can show up pretty much any time –God help me."

"Touché. All right. Thanks man."

"No problem. I have next Friday morning free. Check with her to see if she has time; let her know I'll be dropping in."

"If you're bringing her the schedule and next Friday works for  _you_ , why do _I_  have to check with her about whether  _she_  has time next Friday?"

"What do I look like, your secretary?" Jess asked, rolling his eyes.

"You do have nice legs…" Greg winked.

"Shut it. You're still running this sideshow, Greggers! Rory and her book are your main responsibility, not mine."

* * *

"Two visits in as many weeks –aren't we lucky," Rory said softly when she opened the door for Jess.

"At least this time you knew I was coming," Jess answered.

"True. Come in."

"Speaking of 'we'… where's Banana?"

Rory laughed at the sweetness of Jess' term of endearment for her daughter. "Asleep," she answered. "We should have enough time for book talk before she wakes up."

"Great. Did Greg give you a decent idea of the basic plan?"

"He did. He actually sent me a copy of the tentative schedule…" she trailed off.

"Problem?"

"No –not really, I –"

"All these years and you still suck at lying to me," Jess smirked. "What's the problem?"

"It just seems like a long time to be gone."

"You're not leaving the east coast. You'll never be more than a few hours away from Connecticut –by  _plane_. It's less than two months with a few days' break built in every week, so you can come back and sleep in your own bed –more than once."

"I know, but –"

"You can bring Hannah with you. And your mom, Lane, Logan, whoever you want to help out with her."

Rory sighed uneasily. "This isn't a good idea."

" _Not a good idea_? What happened to the Rory who wanted to be a reporter so that she could see the world?"

"Jess…"

"Rory, I get that this seems huge and overwhelming. I do. But you can't be an author and a shut-in at the same time. It won't work –not for much longer."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rory asked, a little angrily.

"It means that your book came out almost six months ago, and you can't expect it to continue doing well if you only promote it through social media. Its numbers are starting to slide. I'm surprised it's stayed as strong as it has, for as long as it has. You're talented Rory, but you don't actually have any laurels to rest on here. You want to make it? Earn a living by being an author? You  _will_  actually have to  _earn_ that living _._

"You're not Hilary Clinton, you're not Oprah, you're not some tart from  _Jersey Shore_. Your book cannot be a best-seller based on spectacle alone. People have no idea who you are –they  _will_  lose interest in you unless you give them a reason to keep caring. Promotion is part of the deal. Not only that –you wrote a memoir. You've  _invited_  readers to care about you, asked them to care about who you are and your journey through life and they have –they do! That's why you've had some pretty impressive success. But it won't last –it'll crash and burn, hard and fast unless you acknowledge your audience's part in that success –in an up close and personal way."

"I understand, Jess. But can't  _you_  understand _my_  hesitation?"

"Not really, because you haven't articulated any of it. Look, I know you've had a rough time. You're still working through things. I get that. But at some point, you have to remember that you knew you were pregnant when you asked me if Truncheon could possibly take you on. You knew this was coming.

"Let's not also forget that I went out on a limb for you and I kept my word under extraordinary circumstances. If you start getting cold feet now, it makes you look weak and it makes me an ass –an ass who has to answer for it to my business partners, my friends, who've all busted their butts for you," Jess whispered harshly. "If you have hesitations, let's talk about them, work it through; you're  _literally_  Greg's  _only_  major work responsibility right now, he has time and he's more than willing to talk to you –work through everything with you, step by step."

"Okay, but…"

"You run scared, you don't take the hit – _I do_. No one is trying to wrench you away from your daughter, run you ragged or make this impossible for you. We can only do so much Rory –Truncheon can only do so much  _for_  you. You wrote a book and wanted to put it out in the world. You want that book to keep doing well? You may have to lift a finger higher than for a keystroke to make sure of that."

Rory clenched her jaw in anxiety. Jess was right. But she wasn't ready for this; right now, writing this book seemed like the stupidest idea she'd ever had. Who was she kidding? She was about to voice some of these things when she heard Hannah wake up.

"Go get her," Jess said quietly, sitting down on the couch.

"Really?" Rory asked, surprised that he made no move to leave.

"Yeah. I've got some time. You're clearly not cool with some part of this. I understand your brain better than Greg does. Talk to me about it first if you want."

Rory ran to her bedroom and walked back into the living room slowly a few minutes later, holding Hannah close to her chest, like a bullet proof vest.

"Talk to me, Rory," Jess offered when she sat down. "I understand this in ways that Greg never will, so if you're on the fence, tell  _me_  why. If you can't make a case to me, it's bullshit anyway."

"What was I thinking?" Rory whispered weakly.

"I'm gonna need a little more than that…"

"Writing this book! My mom told me it was a bad idea…"

"Oh, so you're still aiming to please Mommy? She told you it was a bad idea, so now that you're having some belated doubts, it's because she was definitely right and you should've done what she told you, like a good little girl? I had breakfast before I came here –I would rather not upchuck it. If you have any  _real_  hesitation buried in you somewhere, speak now," Jess said bitterly.

"I'm a mess, Jess."

"And? I was a mess for the first five years you knew me –and a hell of a long time before that- I turned out okay."

"I shouldn't have written a book about my life when I was –am- barely able to make sense of it. When it's so far from everything I thought it would be by now –or ever. I never should have…" Rory trailed off again, with a sad sigh.

"Well you did. You can't take it back. If you try to, it means my company is taken out at the knees and I won't let you get away with that. You're looking at this the wrong way. Why can't you try to see the positive side of all this?"

"When did you become a sunny side of the street guy? What positive side?" Rory asked, rolling her eyes.

"The side where you ended up pregnant when that was the last thing you wanted; while your life was spinning gloriously out of control and you were trying to figure out who that little angel's father was," he gestured to Hannah, "you managed to slow down the hurricane of disaster enough to write an honest memoir. You had very little giving your life any positive meaning, and your book did that. Before Hannah got here, writing it was pretty well the only thing keeping you going.

"Now is the time where you get to own this amazing book you wrote; this honest, moving piece of work –you get to talk it up all over town and shout about it from the rooftops and you're running scared. Don't run away from a good thing, don't shun a creation you should be proud of.

"If I can be here right now, talking to you, trying to sort out my feelings about all this rather than staying hidden away in Brooklyn and keeping away from you at all costs –which would be  _so much_   _easier_ , by the way- I think you can own up to your life. No matter how lackluster you think it is at the present moment. You wrote a book about  _your life_ , you gave that book to the public; you don't now suddenly get to pretend it's someone else's story. Don't be a coward. Take it from someone who knows –the way of a coward lies absolutely  _no_ glory, no refuge, no comfort.

"I'm here, aren't I? I willingly stepped back into the room with the elephant. I'm not ready to  _deal_  with the elephant, but I can be in the room with it now, at least –and eventually, we'll deal with that elephant, you and me. Step back into the room with the elephant, Rory –not just  _our_  elephant; your personal elephant. Otherwise you'll always be in its shadow. You're better than that –or, I thought you were."

Rory was stunned into speechlessness. Just as she was regaining her wits and preparing to open her mouth to respond, the front door opened and shattered the silence. She turned around, jumping with a start.

Jess reached for Hannah out of instinct, to make sure that Rory didn't drop her.

"Mom!" Rory gasped. "You scared me! What are you even doing here?"

"You have an appointment with Dr. Bowman in an hour. I told you I'd take you," Lorelai answered.

"And I told you I could drive myself."

Lorelai knew this. But she also knew that with Jess' appearance at Thanksgiving the week before, she wouldn't put it past her daughter to skip this appointment in particular if left to her own devices, so as to avoid talking about the thing she needed to talk about the most. Just as Jess crossed Lorelai's thoughts, she registered his presence in her house. "Oh, hi! Hi, Jess!" she said in surprise.

"Hi Lorelai," he smirked quickly.

"Sorry… am I –interrupting?"

"No," he assured her. "We've pretty well covered it. I was gonna head out soon. Since Rory has her appointment to get to, I'll just get outta the way now." Jess reached out to stroke Hannah's tiny head without a second thought, or a pause to even give himself time to hesitate. He kissed her quickly and smiled against her soft, baby skin. "I'll see you soon, Hannah Banana."

"Jess," Rory whispered.

"Call Greg. Step back into the room," he said quietly as he stood up to zip his coat.

"Actually, Jess?" Lorelai asked. "Can you hang out for like, half an hour? I told Luke I was going to take Rory to her appointment, so he was planning to come home before the lunch rush to stay with Hannah, but he's stuck at the diner right now. He shouldn't be long."

"Sure, yeah. Yeah –I guess," Jess nodded, unzipping his coat and looking at Rory.

"Great! Rory, give me two minutes!" she said, disappearing up the stairs.

* * *

"Hello, Luke's," Cesar huffed into the phone.

"Let me talk to Luke," Lorelai said.

"Yeah," Luke said into the phone a few seconds later.

"Hey. Take your time coming to the house."

"What? Why?"

"Because Jess is here and I told him you'd be half an hour. He's here, so he should have some time with Hannah, don't you think? He and Rory were talking but clearly it was tense. Just give him some time," Lorelai explained, "please."

"Yeah, no. Absolutely," Luke smiled. "I'll be there in half an hour."

* * *

Hannah was getting fussy when Lorelai reappeared downstairs.

"She has bottles in the fridge," Rory told Jess with a shaky voice. "Diapers are in my bedroom, extra onesies, spit blankets –"

"It'll only be half an hour, Rory. I promise, I'll hand her to Luke in one piece. I can't speak for how many pieces she'll be in by the time you get back from Hartford, though," he teased.

"Be good, little girl," Rory whispered, kissing Hannah's cheek.

As soon as she was placed in Jess' arms, Hannah's fussing fell silent. "There's the tiny heartbreaker I remember," he laughed. "Good taste in men starts young."

"I'll remind you that you said that –and tell her, when she's old enough."

"Go right ahead."

* * *

When the door shut behind Rory, Jess sat down with a sigh and deftly shrugged out of his jacket, one arm at a time.

"Hi, little Banana bean," he said softly.

Hannah grasped one of his fingers with a surprising amount strength and pulled it into her mouth.

"Mmmm, salty, huh?"

She smiled against his finger and screeched.

"I know. I missed you too," Jess whispered, closing his eyes, hugging her tightly to him and swallowing the lump in his throat.

* * *

In Hartford, Rory was fidgety on Dr. Bowman's couch.

"Rory…?" Dr. Bowman asked coaxingly.

"Jess came back. He was at Thanksgiving. He's at my house with Hannah right now," Rory said quickly, her face somehow remaining expressionless.

"Oh, well. Is this a good thing?"

"I think so. I mean, I hope so."

"Good."

"We have a lot of stuff to work through, though. It won't be pretty…"

"No, I don't expect it will. But if you two are going to have any kind of relationship –if he truly does want to be a part of Hannah's life- you have to start somewhere, right?"

"Yeah."

"How's Logan dealing with Jess' reemergence?"

"He's totally fine! So far, at least."

"This is good, Rory," Dr. Bowman smiled.

"Yeah, I think it is," Rory said quietly.

"I'd be happy to have all three of you back here, to help you talk things through, if that's something you all want and something Logan and Jess are willing to do."

"Maybe. Dr. Bowman?"

"Yes, Rory?"

"I need you to help me step back into the room with the elephant."

* * *

At his office in Stamford, Logan was –unbeknownst to him- expressing a similar sentiment in an email to Honour:

_Hey Sis_ ,

_When we're in London for the holidays… I think it's time for me to face the music. Address the elephant in the room that Shira and Mitchum don't even know is there. …. Help? …. This'll be a Huntzberger Christmas for the ages, Honour; there might be actual bloodshed. I won't survive it without you on my side. I need my big sister._

_-Logan_


	41. Chapter 41

In the end, after some negotiation, Rory reluctantly agreed to book signings over a smattering of east coast states, including stops in Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island and Pennsylvania. Her caveat was that she only wanted to make an appearance in one city per state, except when she was at home in Connecticut. Greg and Jess were more thrilled with how much traveling she eventually agreed to and less so that she only consented to one appearance per stop, but they both knew –Jess especially- that they had to take what they could get. All things considered, her agreeing to appearances in seven states was no small feat. Jess' promise of being –at most- a few hours away from Connecticut by plane at all times was an overstatement. All told, the tour would take six weeks; the extremely reduced pace was unsurprisingly, at Rory's urging. She could be home for at least a few nights a  _week_  for the entire tour, at that rate.

Logan was concerned when Rory begrudgingly told him what was agreed upon for her small-scale book tour. He worried fleetingly that he may be forced to redraw certain lines in the sand about Rory's knee-jerk desire to hide. Logan thought the tour would be a great thing and couldn't understand for the life of him why –given the fact that Greg and Jess saw to it that Hannah could be with her and she could have at least one person there helping her with the baby at all times- Rory was so insistent upon only one appearance in each state; Logan wanted to encourage her to do a bit more, but knew better than to poke the sleeping giant. That was probably best saved for a joint visit with Dr. Bowman, of which they had one scheduled before they both went their separate ways for Christmas, and one before Rory's tour kicked off in late January.

Right now, Logan had much more important matters weighing on his brain. "Ace," he sighed, holding Hannah in his arms in the rocking chair in Rory's room, "I have to tell my parents over Christmas –about Hannah, about you and me. I'm gonna be in London and they're already sour over Odette, I mean that's actual  _news_ in its own right, with my family's public profile and her reputation as a philanthropist and socialite. The last thing I want is my parents reading about a failed engagement because of a 'secret love child' in the news. The European tabloids love that crap and if there's a way for them to find out, they will. There's no good way to tell them, no way it  _won't_ cause World War Three between me and Mitchum, but there are bad ways –worse ways for my parents to find out rather than directly from me, which they absolutely will if I don't say something –and honestly, I'm surprised they haven't already. I'll be shocked if I don't walk into Christmas dinner with a ticking time bomb strapped to my chair at the dining table. I gotta do this, Ace."

"I know," Rory said in a quiet, resigned voice, "I've gotta finally come clean with my grandma when we're in Nantucket for the holidays too. She's been getting testy about it with me, with my mom. My mom just keeps telling her it's my news to tell, not hers, which never goes over well, given that she hasn't been able to make my mom crack."

"I'm so sorry Ace."

"I'm telling her right at the end of the trip. The twenty-seventh, the day before we leave, so that her predicted outrage over finding out the truth won't ruin  _actual_ Christmas, only her passive aggressive disappointment might ruin that!"

"It's a good thing we're both getting outta dodge and back to Connecticut before New Year's, huh? Of course, the fact that I'm in town for a measly seven days –six really- arriving on the twenty-first and headed back to the States on the twenty-seventh is another huge bone of contention with my parents; but ask me if I care," Logan said, rolling his eyes. "But at least I have Honour on my side and we have a session with Dr. Bowman together before then, so we can know how best to brace for both our personal World War Threes and hunker down to survive the seismic aftershocks that we both know will follow."

"Yeah, hopefully Dr. Bowman will help," Rory whispered uneasily.

* * *

"All either of you can do is be totally honest," Dr. Bowman said.

"I don't think you understand my grandmother," Rory sighed.

"Or my father," Logan muttered.

"Don't you remember how I ended up pregnant?"

"I do," Dr. Bowman nodded. "I understand it will not please either your grandmother or Logan's parents to learn of the infidelities you're both responsible for. I also understand  _exactly_ how nasty these conversations can become. The results could be catastrophic for your relationships with these people, and it may even cause fallout in your relationship with each other. But Logan, you were the one telling Rory with great conviction that you can't change how you both got here, only what you do going forward. The same applies to your conversations with your family members. You can't lie, and give them a version of the story that won't upset them; you can't change the truth to make it easier for them to hear. All you can do is be prepared for a certain degree of negativity, but go in with your heads held high and tell them the truths that matter: you have a daughter together and you're both prepared to work together to give her the best life possible; neither of you wants to walk away from the other. Your families are allowed –perhaps even expected- to be disapproving, but both of you must be strong in not allowing their negativity to penetrate your ultimate goal of being good, present parents for Hannah. You have to do your best not to allow their negativity to drive a wedge between the two of you."

"You make it sound so simple," Logan muttered.

"In the end, you may be forced to choose what's more important –being on good terms with your parents, Logan, or your grandmother, Rory, or being committed to your role as Hannah's parents."

"Do you really think that even if we do that –draw those battle lines- that my grandmother and his parents won't hurl vitriol at us every chance they get?" Rory asked. "If my grandmother –it's not just me, she'll disown my mom too."

"I expect that is what they'll try to do. Force both of you to choose. Having to choose between your daughter and your family is terrible, impossible –no one should have to, but the two of you may be forced to," Dr. Bowman said solemnly.

"Ace," Logan said softly, "Emily's a hard ass, but she'll come around eventually. She'd never just –my parents would, but your grandmother won't. Every other time, she's come around. She will with this too."

"She's been using my grandfather's memory to stick it to me and my mom. I think you have too much faith in her, Logan," Rory whispered sadly.

"I'm sorry…" Logan tried to take Rory's hand, but she moved it away. He was left grasping at air, until he moved his hand back to his own lap and stared at the floor, feeling his cheeks burn.

Dr. Bowman caught the subtle refusal; she saw the wall go up between them. "The most important thing that both of you need to work at is not allowing your family's disdain for the situation create a chasm between you. It's important that you don't end up resenting the other person, and taking out the anger you may feel at your family's reactions on each other. It will be all too easy to start using each other as punching bags. You have to be together on this, stand your ground knowing the other person supports you and will support you –there's a difference between commiserating and placing blame, or targeting your anger at your families at one another. If that happens, it makes things worse for the two of you and Hannah, and you may end up vindicating the severe negative reaction of her grandmother and his parents. You have to prove them wrong, not right. You have to show them that your main concern is the wellbeing of your daughter, not winning their approval."

* * *

"So, when did your grandmother move to Nantucket?" Jess asked, sitting on the floor with Hannah as she crawled around.

"About a year ago," Rory answered.

"And you've somehow managed to avoid the subject of Logan with her all this time?"

"Yup."

"And Christmas is when you're ripping off the Band-Aid?"

It was December nineteenth. Rory, Lorelai, Luke and Hannah were leaving for Nantucket the next morning.

"Yup," Rory sighed.

"Yikes. I mean, I don't remember her well, but good luck with that," Jess muttered. "Does she know that I –?"

"No.  _No._ "

"Good. If I have to flee the country, I like to have as much notice as possible."

Rory laughed. "Sorry we're all gonna be gone. Even Luke."

Jess shrugged.

"You won't be lonely?"

"I'll live," he chuckled.

"Are you doing anything for the holidays?"

"I'm not a big holiday person, and my mother's in a cult."

"Fair point. Jess, listen, –about the thing with the book tour, I –"

"Don't worry about it. I don't really want to talk any more about that. I'm here to spend time with Hannah before you guys all leave, I'm not really into the idea of leaving here angry. You're doing something about it. You didn't ditch the whole thing. That's what matters."

"Okay," Rory whispered.

* * *

"Oh, Rory, for goodness sakes, why are you fidgeting?" Emily asked severely. "You'd think you were the infant. Now then, you've made Jack and Luke leave the room and they have. What is it?"

"Mom," Lorelai whispered harshly.

"Sorry, Grandma…" Rory trailed off and looked up to the wall behind Emily's chair in the sitting room of her Nantucket home, at the portrait of Richard. "I… I have to tell you something. About Hannah."

Lorelai gave her daughter's hand an encouraging squeeze.

"Hannah? Is she all right?" Emily asked.

"She's… she's fine. It's um –about her dad."

"Oh?" Emily smiled as though she were receiving a belated Christmas present.

Rory felt a pit form in her stomach. She inhaled, screwed her eyes tightly shut and formed the word in her throat before opening them again. "Logan."

"Excuse me?"

"Hannah's dad. It's Logan. Logan's her father, Grandma," she said quietly, quickly, her eyes still closed.

"I… I beg your pardon?"

"I'm pretty sure you heard me, Grandma. I said his name three times."

"But that's… no. He's engaged. To Odette Something-or-Other. The French heiress."

"No, he's not. Not anymore."

"But you had a boyfriend… oh for Pete's sake, what was his name?"

"Paul," Rory whispered.

"That's right! Paul! You were with him until last summer! Logan was engaged last time I…" Emily's eyes widened and her mouth settled into a harsh, straight line. "Rory Leah Gilmore, is my great-granddaughter an adulterous child?" she asked lowly. "I can do math, young lady. If Logan's engagement had broken off, I would've heard tell of such a thing. Even if it had broken off and I hadn't heard, it certainly wouldn't have been for long enough for your pregnancy  _not_  to raise a few eyebrows. Is this why you refused to talk about it? Is this why you could barely look me in the eye the entire time? You didn't want me knowing you'd become a  _harlot_?"

"Grandma, please…"

"All your preaching about 'full circle', Lorelai. How's this for your  _circle_? She's definitely  _your_ daughter. You must be so proud."

"Hey!" Lorelai snapped. "That's enough out of you. You have no right to –"

"Why not? You clearly skipped something in your parentage of this girl if Rory's managed to find herself in an equally regrettable circumstance as you once did. Possibly worse –at least you didn't break up a marriage."

"Logan and Odette weren't even married yet, Grandma!" Rory yelled. "They were only engaged; and besides, he didn't love her! Not the way he loves me!"

"Thank you for confirming my suspicions, Rory," Emily said evenly. "He loves you, does he? Is that what he's told you? Is that what you choose to think? I do not for one second believe that  _Logan Huntzberger_  is above reproach in this situation –in fact I believe him to be well below it- but I do know you had your chance to be with him and you turned him down. Too many years have passed, Rory; but Logan will be Logan, so he sucked you back in, didn't he? And you were all too happy to be wooed, because the last time you were with him was probably the last time your life had any sense of direction. Don't you know that's what he was banking on, dear?

"He wanted you to act like a two-bit trollop, so long as you were blithely unaware that that's the part you were playing in his twisted fantasy and it worked, didn't it? When you got pregnant, you probably wrestled with telling him, didn't you? You probably almost didn't –you shouldn't have; it would have been better that way.

"Now he's got you –he told you he loves you, right? He keeps telling you, doesn't he? He loves you –but he'll be gone as soon as he finds someone more glamorous, less ragged and haggard from caring for a child he never wanted. He loves Hannah too, doesn't he? He loves her now, while she's cute and the most he has to do is change a diaper. But as soon as the hard work of fatherhood starts looming, when it comes time to start  _raising_ her and teaching her right from wrong, he'll be gone just as quickly as your father left you. He'll show up to love her when it's convenient and nothing more."

"No, that won't happen. I won't let it."

Emily laughed smugly. "Oh, Rory. The only thing that was in your power to either let happen or not was getting pregnant in the first place. You cannot control what Logan does any more than you could take credit for an act of God."

"He loves me. He loves Hannah. He loves his daughter, Grandma. He won't do that," Rory cried. "We're going to raise her. Together!"

"Of course you are. Your father loves you Rory, but how much was he around? Your grandfather and I were guilty of giving Christopher more credit than he deserved on more than one occasion, it's true. But I know he was never there for you the way you needed for him to be –and I know how much it crushed you! Now, you have a daughter who's going to suffer exactly the same way you did, because you're delusional about a Huntzberger's motives. He's a Huntzberger, he will break the wrong way, I promise you –they always do. Any chance you had to make an honest man out of him was ten years ago. Now, instead, he's made you into a dishonest woman. He's won. And as soon as he gets bored with the novelty of being a father, he'll leave you and pay you hefty lump sums instead. And when that happens, you won't be able to say I was wrong.

"Wait until his family hears of this! They're rabid dogs, Rory. You know that. They  _never_ liked you, even from the very start! They always looked down on you, they never thought you were good enough for their precious, holier-than-thou son. Well, just  _imagine_ what you're giving them licence to believe about you now, dear girl! When they catch wind of this they'll bury you so deep in shame and scandal you'll wish you never met their son. You will be forever labeled a homewrecker. Because even if Logan is a good man, he is –above all else- his father's son. And his father is trash.

"At least your grandfather and I instilled in you a measure of integrity with which to move through the world. Mitchum and Shira are devoid of a lot of things –chief among them the slightest bit of integrity. Now you are forever bonded with that repugnant lot, and I don't envy you that.

"If nothing else, make sure your daughter doesn't take after her paternal grandmother and become a drunken, pill-popping hussy whose weight fluctuates with the phases of the moon."

Rory was sobbing.

Lorelai couldn't believe the lows to which her mother was sinking, with every sentence. A very small part of her couldn't entirely disagree with Emily's opinion of the situation, but the overwhelming majority of her wanted to shield her daughter from her mother's heartless daggers; she had no right to be so callous to Rory's face, regardless of what her opinion was. "Enough, Mom. That's enough!"

"Yes. That is enough," Emily sighed. "I'm very tired and you ladies have a long trip ahead of you tomorrow."

"Grandma…" Rory chocked out.

"I can't talk about this anymore tonight, Rory. Hannah is my great-granddaughter and I love her; I will be there for her. But I can't pretend to be happy about this, or at all pleased about how this will end for you, whether it's two weeks or fifteen years from now. And your grandfather –he loved you so much; he's turning over in his grave tonight."

* * *

"Jess!"

Jess paused before responding to the voice on the other end of the line. "Papa MacNeil?"

"Is it true you're all by yourself?" Darren asked.

"My uncle's in Nantucket with his wife's mother and my mom is…"

"Off with her kooky Renaissance friends?"

Jess rolled his eyes. "Worse."

"Well then, come have dinner here tomorrow."

"Darren, that's very nice of you, but I told Ella I was fine."

"I'm not calling on behalf of my daughter, Mr. Mariano. I'm calling on behalf of  _me_."

"Funny, since you used her phone…"

"It's Christmas. You shouldn't be by yourself at Christmas. Come over."

"If I tell you that I'm not twelve, or one of your students, will it work? Will you give up?"

"No. I'll just come to your apartment and drag you back here myself."

"That won't work…"

"I seem to remember you telling me how wholesome I was, not four weeks ago. You think I couldn't get someone to let me in? On  _Christmas Day_? I may be nearly sixty, young man, but I can still win you over in a wrestling match, if I need to. One way or another, you'll end up at my house. You shouldn't be by yourself tonight either…"

"You worry too much, Darren."

"Give it up, Groucho, you really won't win!" Ella yelled in the background. "He really will come over there and get you himself!"

"You shoulda kept your mouth shut, El!" Jess yelled back.

"Me, lie to my  _dad_? I would  _never!_ " she laughed.

"She's right _._ Also, you shouldn't be spending Christmas alone," Darren repeated.

"All right. I'll come over for dinner tomorrow," Jess relented.

"Perfect. Mike's here tonight and you can be here tomorrow. You know I love a full house at Christmas, Jess."

"Foreign though the whole concept is to me, yes, I know you love it. Happy to be invited. But also, happy not to always be around when Mike's at your place."

"Why?" Darren asked. "Do you two have problems with one another?"

"No," Jess assured him. "Just the opposite, and wouldn't want to spoil it by giving Mike the impression that I'm horning in on his girlfriend."

"I don't think that, Jess. What am I, sixteen? Ella's allowed to have a best friend who's a guy. Hate to break it to you man, this was never a pissing contest!" Mike said loudly, laughing.

"What the –what is this? Am I on speaker?" Jess asked, rolling his eyes.

"So, you'll be over for dinner tomorrow then. And you'll stay, hang around for Christmas drinks and chatting around the fireplace, have a nice night with us." Darren stated this as a fact, not a question.

"Yes. I'll come over tomorrow –for  _all_ the festivities. Thank you, Papa MacNeil," Jess said with genuine gratitude in his voice.

"Of course, Jess. You know you're always welcome."

"I appreciate that. Hey –Merry Christmas Mike!" Jess shouted.

"You too Jess!" Mike said cheerfully.

"Love you, Groucho! See ya tomorrow!" Ella called out.

"You too, spitfire!" Jess laughed.

"Are you sure you don't want to come over this evening as well, Jess? I promise, it's no imposition –for any of us," Darren asked, trying one last time.

"I actually like my Christmas Eves to be quiet. I like watching the oldest version of  _A Christmas Carol_ that I can find on TV, then going out for a late-night walk, listening to the carols floating down from people's windows and from carolers on the street. Honestly. Strange as it may sound, I do have my own, solitary Christmas rituals. I appreciate the calm, the quiet that can exist during such a bustling time when you have the choice to spend it alone," Jess explained.

Darren smiled. "That actually makes a great deal of sense. It sounds peaceful."

"It is."

"Well then, enjoy your night. We'll see you tomorrow Jess."

"I'll be there by three. Have a good night, Darren. I'll see you tomorrow."

As luck would have it, half an hour later, at eight o'clock, Jess found the 1938 film adaptation of  _A Christmas Carol_ on  _Turner Classic Movies_ , with Reginald Owen starring as Ebenezer Scrooge. He put his feet up on the couch, burrowed under a light throw blanket and snacked on freshly popped popcorn.

The movie ended at around nine fifteen. But by the time Jess bundled up to go outside, it was close to ten. Luckily, it wasn't too freezing and there was only a light dusting of snow, a rare winter's night that was perfect for a leisurely walk.

Jess was barely three blocks away from his apartment when he was stopped dead in his tracks by a familiar, pleasant voice.

"Mari!"

Jess turned around, blinked hard, and couldn't help but laugh. "Audrey. I'll be damned," he smiled. "Merry Christmas."

"You too," she grinned happily, her dark eyes sparkling from behind her large black and golden glasses. "Still enjoying your Christmas Eve strolls, I see? I assume you've already watched  _A Christmas Carol_. 1951?"

Jess smirked. "1938."

"Even better."

"I am a creature of habit. You look great, Hepburn, really. It's so nice to see you again," he said sincerely.

"Yeah. You look better than when I last saw you, Mari –in a much better place, if not totally better. Things are getting better for you, slowly, aren't they?"

"They are."

"I'm glad –genuinely, I am."

"I know," Jess said honestly. "Thank you. Hepburn –I'm so sorry about all that –what happened in the spring. I know I wasn't making a lot of sense and there were things I told you I couldn't explain. You probably thought I was a huge prick. You deserved better than that. I'm sorry."

"I won't lie and tell you that I wasn't hurt by it; but mostly, looking at you that day, it was literally all over your face, how much pain you were in and I was worried about you. That pain seems to have significantly diminished, based on your face as I see it tonight."

"Some days are pretty rough still. It's still a work in progress. But I am in a much better place."

"I'm happy for you."

"Are you –happy, I mean? Are you happy?" Jess asked quietly. "I didn't like, ruin you for any and all future happiness because I was so callous, did I?"

Audrey giggled, the sound ringing like a friendly bell on this cold winter night. "No, you didn't ruin me, Mari. I promise. And I am happy, truly."

"Should I show enough interest that I politely insist to know all the details of this happiness, or would that not be wise?" Jess asked, aware of the implications of his question and any of her potential answers.

"Maybe we should save it for another night. But that doesn't mean it's anything bad," she winked. "I have to get going. My brother's expecting me."

"Oh, right! I forgot he lives around here now."

"That he does."

"Well, I won't keep you any longer then."

Audrey closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Jess in a hug he definitely wasn't expecting. She kissed his cheek. "Merry Christmas, Mari. It really was great to see you. Take care of yourself."

Jess hugged her in kind and pecked her cheek quickly –this woman he once loved with all his heart, and might one day have the chance to love again. Someday, maybe. "It's  _always_  good to see you, Hepburn. Merry Christmas."

* * *

In London, Logan was ashen, sweaty and panicky –looking quite like the Ghost of Christmas Past himself. "They're gonna kill me, Honour."

"Dad  _will_  try," Honour replied.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, sis. I feel so much better now."

"Logan, you know they'll want to rip your head off. They'll call you and Rory all kinds of nasty names and try to convince you to throw money at Hannah rather than be her father. They'll want you to grovel for their support and go to Odette and grovel to her. They'll want their picture-perfect scenario back, where their son is set to marry a girl who makes for perfect headlines. You can't do anything about that. Here's what you can do –don't let them win."

"What if they threaten to tell Odette the truth? They could, you know."

"They won't."

"How can you be so –?"

"Because they can't do it without dragging their own names through the mud. They can't publicly shame you that way without taking a hit themselves. Logan, it's not Odette you should be worried about –you're going to have to protect Rory. Dad will be ruthless in going after her."

"I know," Logan sighed.

"They might even…"

"Totally disown me if I don't fix it the way they want it fixed? I know."

"Are you prepared for that?" Honour asked quietly.

"How  _does_  one prepare for that, Honour? I mean, exactly?"

"Logan, I didn't mean –"

"I know. They're gonna do whatever they're gonna do. I can make my own way without clinging to Dad's coattails. He knows that and he  _hates_ it. If I'm written out of the will and blotted out from the family tree, so be it."

"It  _really_  doesn't seem like it, I know –but it's better this way, you're telling them on your own terms. You have the control. You're not being caught red handed."

"Seems like a pretty shitty consolation prize."

"You'll always be front and center in my family tree. Your place in my family –and my will- is etched in stone."

"Now we're talkin'. I love you."

"You too."

Logan exhaled a deep breath. "The kids and Josh are safely out of the line of fire?"

"They are," Honour nodded.

"Well then, once more unto the breach, dear sister, once more. Dishonour not our mother; now attest that him who we call'd father did beget us. I will be copy now to men of grosser blood, and teach him how to war."

"Nice spin, King Henry. Lead the way unto the breach."

Logan puffed out his chest as best he could, scrounging up all the confidence he could find and led the way into the sitting room.

"Logan, so nice of you to finally join us," Shira said, a little shrilly, drinking her vodka as if it were water.

"It really is ridiculous that you're not staying here longer, son. It's ridiculous that you're going back to  _Stamford_  at all. What could  _possibly_ be left there for you to do? Have you become an interior designer? Are you giving the newsroom a facelift?"

Shira gasped quietly, as if remembering something she'd forgotten. She scribbled a note to call her go-to plastic surgeon first thing in the new year, while grasping sadly at the loose skin under her chin and down her neck.

"I need to talk to you both about something. It's important." Logan glanced at Honour quickly, locking eyes with her and bracing himself.

Mitchum sighed, already bored and annoyed. "What is it then?"

"I… I have a daughter."

Shira choked on her vodka, mid-swallow. It dripped out of her nose, as though she were a child with a cold.

Mitchum said nothing, but stared harshly at Logan. His face grew a deeper shade of red with each and every breath. His hand –holding a tumbler with scotch on the rocks- started to tremble, the ice inside the glass clinking rapidly, softly, like a quiet, distant toll of a church bell –solemnly announcing death.

Logan waited. He didn't need to say any more. He didn't need to explain what he knew his father well understood. So, he waited.

"That little whore," Mitchum seethed.

"Hey! Watch your mouth," Logan warned.

"I will  _not_  watch my  _anything_. You stupid fool!" Mitchum screamed, throwing his glass tumbler to the floor and letting its shatter echo through the room. "You know, Logan, you never damn well learn, do you? You're not twenty anymore, you can't just sleep with anything with a good set of legs! I tried to warn you in the very beginning that Rory was trash! She never had what it takes to be part of this family –not then and  _certainly_ not now. I will not watch my mouth, sir, because you were sleeping with her like one sleeps with a whore –in secret, behind people's backs, while everything around you goes up in smoke. And, she did exactly what a whore does –she got fucking pregnant with an adulterous,  _bastard_ of a child, to trap you. And it worked! She's always been trash.

"You had everything, Logan! You had  _everything_! A rising career, a fiancé who loved you, who never got in the way and was happy to fit perfectly into  _your_  big picture. You throw that all away, for what? A doe eyed idiot who wanted to recapture her 'glory' days when she actually had you in her corner? She refused your proposal and her life went to shit, so the only thing left for her to resort to is to grab you by the short and curlies –to regularly hop an ocean to be your  _whore_. And you, you fucking let her. And now she's ruined your whole life and she's probably  _laughing_  at how foolish you are –how easily you strayed, and kept straying- how easy it was for her to  _ruin_  you."

"That's enough!" Honour yelled. "Dad, stop this!"

"Don't you start with me, Honour," Mitchum said lowly. "This is why you broke up with Odette and hid away in Stamford, isn't it, Logan –to care for your bastard child? I told you I didn't want to see her name anywhere on a payroll and you obliged, didn't you? You let her ride your payroll instead."

"That's enough!" Logan screamed, standing up to tower over his father, who was still sitting in his chair. "I will not let you speak this way about the mother of my child. I won't let you speak so vilely about  _my_ family. _"_

"And what a family it is…"

"You listen to me, you self-important prick –I'm only going to say this once. I'm sorry for hurting Odette, I am –but I never loved her the way you wanted me to. I would've just become a two-timing husband. Would that have been better? If you breathe a word of this to Odette just to twist the dagger in  _my_ gut –mark my words old man, I'll kill you with my bare hands, slowly, and I'll enjoy it.

"Rory. Is. The mother. Of my  _child_. If you level a crusade against her, I'll level one right back at you. I am your son, you did teach me how."

"You're not my son," Mitchum spat. "If you go back to that little bitch instead of giving her enough money to keep her happy and her mouth shut, and coming back to your senses, your career, your  _life_ … you're not my son."

"Well then, I guess I'm fatherless, huh?"

"I'll do whatever I please to make her go away. She's dead weight. If you won't do it, I will."

Logan fisted his father's suit jacket and leaned in, breathing hot and angry, less than an inch from Mitchum's face. His brown eyes were gleaming with hostile fire. "Try it. I  _dare_  you."

"I will not help you, Logan. I will cast you out and have nothing to do with you. In a few months, or a few years when your life goes up in smoke, all I'll do is watch you burn."

"You think I need your help? You think I need  _you_  –your money, your smooth talk, your connections? I don't. You know full well that I've carved my own path as a businessman and it galls you that I can soar as high as I  _fucking_ please, without touching your tired coattails. You can't blacklist me. I have ties here, in the States –that have nothing to do with you. I'm too good at what I do – _without you_ \- to actually need you anymore.

"You wanna cast me out?" Logan asked severely, letting go of Mitchum's clothes and stepping back to laugh at the wrinkled mess. "Good. Fucking. Riddance."

He knew it wasn't going to be so simple. He knew his father would come after Rory and do his level best to eradicate her, thus proving to Logan how much better off he is without her. But he'd deal with that, when the time came. "Merry fucking Christmas,  _Dad_. Thanks for everything. Stay away from my family."

Logan turned to his mother, who hadn't said a word and was sitting frozen in her chair, just staring. "I know you're probably not too happy either. When you can form thoughts, let me know what they are. Just because I'm fatherless doesn't mean I have to be motherless, too. I'm sorry about all this. Merry Christmas, Mom," he said in a much softer tone, with apologetic eyes, kissing her quickly on the cheek.

Logan walked over to Honour and hugged her tightly.

"I'm proud of you," she whispered in his ear.

"Hug the kids for me. Apologize to them that I left without saying goodbye. I promise, I'll make it up to them," he whispered back.

"Get out of my house," Mitchum said menacingly. "This isn't over. But right now, you need to get the  _fuck_  out of my house, before I throw you out."

"Help Mom to bed. Make sure she's okay," Logan said to Honour before leaving the room –and his parents' house- without looking back.


	42. Chapter 42

Mitchum had had a plan for Logan; this wasn't it. His son, heir to the Huntzberger legacy, was supposed to take the torch and carry their family enterprise into the next generation. He was supposed to marry Odette –the quiet, well-meaning woman with her own pursuits, who would always support Logan and never upset the balance.

Even if he could come around to accepting his son's tryst with Rory that led to a child, it was still an unacceptable narrative –full of scandal, deceit and adultery, none of which Mitchum would allow to be associated with the professional reputation he'd carved out for himself and his family; these were not acceptable things to be attached to the public awareness of his family's name. He knew that the truth of Rory and Logan's actions were a public relations nightmare, the likes of which even the Huntzberger dynasty might not be able to fully recover from.

Even if Mitchum could make the best of a bad situation and force them to marry –which was the last thing that he himself actually wanted- it wouldn't totally wipe clean shame and misfortune of a messy love triangle, another woman and a  _baby_ with that other woman. All three aforementioned things would not be so easily forgotten  _or forgiven_  by a disapproving and distraught public, who'd come to trust the younger Huntzberger, like him, root for him and  _love_ his quiet, well-meaning fiancé with her endearing philanthropic streak.

Odette and Logan were the perfect match not only in Mitchum's public relations dream scenario, but in the public's view as well. Odette could not just be swapped out for Rory, whose child would raise suspicion as word got out. No, he couldn't simply force them to marry –that may in fact do more harm than good. If only, by forcing Logan to marry her everything that was problematic about Rory –the maelstrom the two of them had wrought upon themselves and the disastrous consequences of their poor decisions- would just cease to exist as soon as he put a ring on her finger. But Mitchum knew it would never work like that.

First, he would have to take it upon himself to try and make her go away –he suspected the easiest way to do that was to allow her to name her desired price. He had to prove to Logan that even if he thought this was love –that they were a family- as is so often true, one can indeed put a price on 'love' and 'family'. He didn't  _want_ to disown his son, but he could not accept or be happy about this trap he was now stuck in, even if his son didn't view it as a trap just yet. No, first Rory had to disappear, thereby snapping Logan out of his delirium and bringing him back to the powerful Huntzberger fold –where he belonged, where his true family was.

And if his foolish, stubborn-as-a-mule son couldn't be coaxed away from Rory and her very convenient daughter, Mitchum supposed that encouraging them to marry could be a last resort. If that was the case they'd just have to recover from the media shit storm as best they could and somehow turn his son's illicit affair and illegitimate child into a loving marriage and 'perfect' family.

Mitchum grumbled to himself, knowing the last thing in the world he wanted to do was probably the thing he'd be forced to do. The fire in Logan's dark eyes made it clear. He sighed resentfully at the idea of welcoming –forcing- Rory into their family, the possibility of her bearing the name of Huntzberger and her existence as his  _daughter-in-law_. Rory Gilmore becoming his daughter-in-law was the final, dire option which would only be considered when there was no other choice in the matter.

Mitchum would indeed disown Logan as he threatened to. But not before exhausting all efforts to make his son to his senses. Even if that meant –failing all else- advocating for the speedy marriage of Logan to his mistress, to make their daughter less of a bastard, and more of just, simply, a child.

* * *

After Rory, Lorelai and Hannah left Nantucket, Emily was inexplicably restless. She was so disappointed in Rory and how all of this came to be. If Logan hadn't have been engaged –she still would've been caught off-guard, hearing his name after all this time- Emily would've had a much more reasonable reaction –she would've been able to be optimistic, happy about it even, eventually. But, Logan _had_ been engaged. Rory  _was_ his other woman. And Emily couldn't help but be filled with dread. Mitchum would be on the warpath, she knew. She hoped to God that Logan  _did_ in fact love Rory enough to protect her.

"Oh, how did this happen, Richard?" Emily sighed mournfully, staring at his portrait. "How did this happen,  _again_? I feel as if I'm reliving our loss of Lorelai all over again! How could Rory be  _so_ lost… so lost that she let this happen? She'll need my help, to protect her from that snake. But I –I don't know how well I can do that without my teammate. Rory needs  _you_. I need  _you._  I'm too old –too tired to go through this again. I don't know if I can do it without you."

* * *

"Hey Nannah girl," Logan laughed, taking her from Rory's arms as she reached for him. Rory looked like a fragile twig, about to snap in the wind. It worried him. He stepped forward and kissed her on the cheek, wrapping his free arm around her in a gentle hug.

Rory managed a tiny smile, fighting to keep her chin from quivering. "Hi," she whispered.

Logan stepped inside slowly, looking around.

"They're not here."

"Oh, okay."

"You want some coffee?"

"Sure," Logan said, following Rory into the kitchen. "So, I'm guessing you didn't deck the halls of Nantucket with boughs of holly…"

"No, there was decidedly no holly."

"How'd she take it?"

"Well, the gist is that I had my chance to make you into an honest man –a decade ago- and now instead, you've made me into a dishonest woman. There were also warnings of how you'd eventually disappear and how your father would bury me in shame and scandal," Rory explained flatly, without looking away from her task at the coffee machine.

Logan paled as he kissed Hannah's head gently. "She'll come around," he whispered quietly, mostly to himself, "she will."

"How about you? Did you get tarred and feathered?"

"It was actually almost the other way around…"

"What did Mitchum say?"

"Ace, that's not really –"

"What did he say, Logan?"

"He had choice words…"

"What were they?"

"You're decidedly worse than just a dishonest woman," Logan said vaguely, choosing his words carefully and knowing he wouldn't elaborate any further.

"Of course," Rory whispered. "Did he threaten you?"

"He threatened lots of things. His favourite was saying he would have nothing to do with me… which I'm surprisingly fine with. Hannah should be raised as a Gilmore girl anyway."

"But that doesn't mean he'll leave us alone…"

"No, probably not," Logan sighed.

"He'll put a target on my back and make Hannah the bullseye."

"For a while, yeah, he probably will. It'll be okay, Ace. I won't let him do anything to you, or Hannah. I'll be here."

"No offense Logan, but since when has you 'not letting your father do anything' actually stopped him?" Rory asked, turning to face him.

Logan struggled to find the words to respond. He sighed again, sadly and stepped forward, kissing Rory's forehead. His heart skipped a beat when he felt Rory's arms wrap around his waist. She rested her cheek against his chest and he felt the heat of it through his shirt. "I promise, I won't let him hurt either of my girls, Ace. I swear to you," he whispered.

Hannah sensed the tension, the sadness between her parents and started to whimper. Rory looked up and placed a loving hand on her daughter's back, while Logan started bouncing her gently to calm her.

"It's terrible," Logan mumbled quietly, "Hannah's only chance to know a loving, grandfatherly figure died with Richard. And he would've loved you, Nannah. Yes! He would have."

Logan's comment made a painful lump form instantly in Rory's throat. She let out a strained sob against his chest before running into her bedroom.

Logan stood stunned.  _Okay,_ he thought,  _I know Richard is a touchy subject and maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but… what?_ Shaking off his surprise, he slowly inched towardsRory's bedroom. "Ace, I –I didn't mean to–I –I'm sorry," he said quietly, putting Hannah in her crib and kneeling beside Rory's bed. "What is it? I know there's something…"

After a long beat of silence, Rory tried to look Logan in the eye; she could barely see him for the tears clouding her vision. "My grandma, she –she said he was –she said Grandpa would be roll –rolling, rolling over in his grave," she sobbed.

Logan clenched his jaw; when Emily was mad, she could bare her teeth and snap. He'd hoped she would avoid playing that card. "Your grandma's wrong," he said earnestly.

"No, I –I don't think she is."

"Rory, listen to me –she's  _wrong_. Emily's wrong. Richard, he'd –not to be too blunt- but he'd  _get over it_. He'd move heaven and earth to protect you, and his great-granddaughter from  _my_ father. He loved you. He  _does_ love you –and he'd love Hannah too. He might want to kill  _me_ , but Ace –he'd love Hannah  _so_ much. He loves you. And he loves your daughter too –wherever he is, he  _loves_ her. I promise." Logan kicked off his shoes and went around to the other side of Rory's bed, crawling up behind her and lying on his side, bending his body to mirror hers and fit perfectly against her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and threaded his fingers through hers. She grasped his hands tightly and squeezed. Leaning up, he kissed her cheek, tasting the salt of her tears on his lips.

"She's wrong?" Rory asked timidly.

"She's wrong," Logan whispered.

"Logan, how are we going to do this?"

"I don't know, Ace. But we'll figure it out. It won't be perfect, but we'll figure it out. We'll prove them wrong. We'll be a family –somehow, we will be a family."

In the kitchen, the coffee maker chugged away. The coffee got cold, because in Rory's room she and Logan fell asleep trying to comfort each other. And in her crib, once the atmosphere calmed, their daughter drifted into slumber too.

For the first time since he died, Rory dreamt of her grandfather. She heard his voice and for a fleeting instant, she saw his face.  _You must protect your family,_   _Rory –as you saw me do time and time again. It's up to you now. He crushed you once; you mustn't let him do it again._ And just like that, as quickly as he'd appeared, Richard was gone.

Rory opened her eyes and tried to hold on to him. She smiled sadly as she knew with certainty that she'd seen him, but also realized he was slipping away. "Okay, Grandpa. Thank you," she whispered into her quiet room, closing her eyes to go back to sleep.

* * *

"What's bothering you?" Luke asked quietly, one night shortly after New Year's. "Are you still stuck on Emily finding out about Logan?"

Lorelai nodded, looking pained. "I should've cut her off –defended Rory faster. I shouldn't have let her say all those things."

"Your mother would've said whatever she wanted to say, regardless of you trying to stop her. You know that."

"Luke, I –I think I agreed with her."

"You –what?"

"I mean –not the way she said  _anything_. She was mean and terrible, and the bit about my father turning over in his grave… never. But, I –the rest of it –the shock, the disappointment, the sense of dread of what will become of her and Logan, what his father might try to do to them, to her- I understood what she was saying, where she was coming from. I understood it because I feel those things too. I agreed with her. I think that's why I wasn't so quick on the draw."

Luke sighed.

"Luke, I  _agree_  with my mother. What's wrong with me?" Lorelai asked.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? Really?  _Nothing_?"

"If you agreed with the way your mother spoke to her, and you picked up a bat and helped her swing, then there'd be something wrong with you. But the fact that you share some of her feelings isn't all that weird. Emily was unnecessarily harsh, and you'd never talk to Rory the way she did –which is a good thing- but the fact is, she was able to voice your feelings in a way you can't. You didn't want her to be vindictive and hurtful the way she was, but you wanted Rory to hear these things –you wanted her to hear the hard truths and disastrous possibilities, delivered without sugar coating. It doesn't mean you want any of those things to come  _true_  –of course you don't, and you'll be there for Rory and Hannah to help them every step of the way- but Emily gave a voice to your fears, so even though she was harsh, you let her speak them. It makes sense. Rory also responds differently to the two of you. You don't enjoy the pain Rory's in because of what Emily said, but you're glad –you know Rory heard her."

"I feel terrible…"

"You shouldn't. If you let Emily continue to take swings at her, then you should start feeling terrible. But I think you're safe for now," Luke teased.

"What if she keeps up the Ice Queen thing?"

"She will for a while, but not forever. Your mother may be stubborn and prickly and there may at times be a very wide expanse between you, but she loves you, she loves Rory and at the end of the day, she's not going to cut you all off permanently. If she was ever going to do that, it would've happened a  _long_ time ago."

"Back then, my dad would've been the one to balance her. He's gone now," Lorelai said sadly. "I miss him."

"I know you do," Luke whispered.

"I wonder what he'd have to say about all this…"

"He'd definitely have opinions, that's for sure."

"Yeah."

"But always – _always_ \- he'd defend his family, especially against the likes of the Huntzbergers, I imagine. He did once, right? He'd do it again, and he'd tell Logan what's coming to him if he screws up."

"Yeah," Lorelai sighed. "I guess that part falls to us Gilmore girls now, huh?"

"I wouldn't cross you," Luke winked, kissing his wife gently on the cheek.

* * *

Jess had no idea that he was the only one out of the lot of them that had a calm, nice, peaceful holiday break. He thought Rory seemed tense and Logan off kilter as the last details of her book tour were finalized, but he didn't say anything, or ask any questions.


	43. Chapter 43

"You almost  _hit_ him? You almost  _hit_  your father?"

"Yes."

"Mitchum Huntzberger. You almost _hit_  Mitchum Huntzberger."

"He's my father, last time I checked," Logan muttered bitterly.

"Why would you even come  _close_  to  _hitting_  him, though? You guys are like, WASPy WASPs –WASPy WASPs don't – "

"Even WASPs explode sometimes, Ace."

"But still, why would you –?"

" _Because!_ " Loan yelled. He took a deep breath and forced himself to calm down. "You weren't there, Rory; you didn't hear the things he said about you. He's lucky I didn't  _kill_  him."

Rory swallowed hard. "I thought –I thought your dad liked me. Even in his way, I thought –"

"Even though he once drove you to drop out of Yale with his particular brand of 'liking you', he did –as much as my father can like anyone besides himself. But the liking of you –even in his way- is gone now.  _All gone._  It doesn't mean he won't come after you and try to 'fix' things, but if you think he's just going to open his heart to the situation, you're delusional. We talked about this," Logan said, turning his attention to Dr. Bowman, "we talked about this already –me and her, why am I having to do it again with you here to 'mediate' the whole thing?"

"Because you can't just talk about these things once and never again Logan," Dr. Bowman answered. "It's a process. And you clearly have a lot to work through."

"Fantastic," Logan sighed.

"You're angry at your father –"

"Damn right I am. He slut-shamed her. He slut-shamed the woman I love! The mother of my  _goddamn_ child! Fucking right I'm angry."

Rory flinched and felt her cheeks grow hot. She didn't like that Logan refused to tell her exactly what happened over the holidays. But it seemed that the more snippets she found out, the less she actually wanted to know, despite her insatiable curiosity.

"You mustn't take out your anger at your father on Rory, Logan," Dr. Bowman reminded him. "Rory is doing her best to understand –"

"She shouldn't. You shouldn't, Ace. You're poking a bear."

"I assume by that you mean Mitchum, not you. But that bear wants to come after  _me_ , Logan. How am I supposed to protect myself or Hannah if I know nothing about how he'll try to bite?" Rory asked.

"You don't."

"I'm sorry –I  _don't_? I  _don't_ protect myself or our child?"

"That's right, you don't. You let me handle it."

"Great. So, your dad is  _so_  livid that I need to cower and just let you be my full-time protector? That oughtta go well."

"Just be thankful that your grandmother can be reasoned with, Ace."

"Yeah, and it also turns out that she's right," Rory mumbled. "Your family's going to have a field day with this smear campaign. She was exactly right –Mitchum will not stop until he buries me, and our daughter. Maybe that wasn't the only thing she was right about. Maybe –"

"Maybe what, Ace?"

"Nothing."

"No! Go ahead, finish! Maybe you never should've told me to begin with, right? Because then you could live in your own little world with your mommy who loves you, no matter what you do, in your perfect little town where you can do no wrong. Stars Hollow would form a new  _committee_  whose  _only_  job was helping you raise the next generation of Gilmore and you'd never have to face the big bad world or piss anyone off –because Stars Hollow loves you too much to be mad, right? It'd all be my fault, for not being able to keep it in my pants."

"Logan…"

"What?" he said, through clenched teeth. "Am I wrong? That is what you were thinking, wasn't it? Emily was right, not telling me would've been better."

Rory bit her lip and looked at the floor.

"This is why talking about it just between the two of you isn't enough," Dr. Bowman interjected gently. "There's a lot going on with the two of you, between you and separately, that affects how you interact with one another, and how you parent your child. You need a mediator to help you talk about it all and work through it in healthy ways. Especially with Rory's tour right around the corner, the stress levels are even higher. The pathways of communication need to stay open, not slam shut just because you may not like what you hear."

* * *

"Are you okay?" Jess asked quietly, following Rory out of Greg's office, leading her to his and shutting the door.

"I'm fine."

"You're lying."

"Jess…"

"Rory, you were distracted for the whole meeting. You're  _lucky_  I decided to sit in. Greg won't ask why. He wouldn't know  _what_  to ask even if he did. I do. What's going on with you?"

"Nothing."

"What the hell happened over Christmas? You and Logan are both acting like you've got hot pokers shoved where they  _absolutely_ don't belong."

"Are you asking because you  _actually_  care?" Rory snapped. "Or are you just concerned I'm going to wreck my fifteen minutes of fame and drag Truncheon down with me?"

Jess clenched his jaw. "I have no idea what's going on with you, but you're snapping at me like  _I_ did something to yank whatever rug you were standing on out from under you and I didn't, so stop it. Right now. One –of course I care, have you known me to ask if I didn't? Two –why yes, you  _are_  going on tour soon to support the book that  _my_ company put on the shelves, so you're damn right that I'm concerned that whatever's got you so hot and bothered is going to distract you. I have a right to be. Greg won't ask the right questions, so you'll never answer him. So, I'm asking –what the  _hell_ is going on?"

"I'm fine. It's nothing you need to worry about."

"Rory, I'm allowed to care…"

"It doesn't concern you, Jess."

"I never said it did, but –"

"Hannah is  _not_  your daughter! I told you it doesn't concern  _you_ , Jess!"

Jess laughed bitterly, and bit down on his crooked lip so hard that he drew blood. "Fine."

"Jess," Rory sighed remorsefully, "I'm sorry…"

"Is this going to be a new normal for you? Throwing my not-father status in my face every time I show concern for you, or your daughter who's so emphatically  _not_  mine? Because if it is, tell me now, so that I can bow out before Hannah even knows I'm not there to be missed. I'll figure out how to stay gone this time. Tread lightly, Rory.

"I know you're going through a lot, but you have responsibilities to other people –other people outside of your little family unit. If you can't compartmentalize what's going on with Logan and Hannah and your mom and your therapy, enough to actually commit to the responsibilities you promised,  _now_  would be the time to say something. If your head's too clouded and you'd rather stay home and work on small town papers, say so  _now_. If you can't talk to  _me_  without chewing my head off, how are you going to treat the people who bought your book and might actually want to  _talk to you about it_?"

Rory sighed. "I wasn't even thinking about –"

"Maybe you should. Because while everyone wanting to meet you won't know about the skeletons in your closet, they will want to try to connect with you on a personal level. And if you're biting my head off for having a healthy –not at all prying- amount of concern when I'm reasonably aware of your stress, I hate to think what you'd do to your readers who won't know anything about how to avoid your labyrinth of hot topic buttons."

"I guess I should practice how to politely sidestep a lot of stuff…"

"Key word being  _politely_. Do you think you might also revaluate how you're handling all this stress and admit that maybe you're  _not_? And that maybe you should start –in a way that the rest of us might actually notice?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah. I think that'd be a good idea."

"I'm sorry," Rory whispered again.

"You should go."

"Jess…"

"I have another meeting, Rory… please. Go."

"I really am sorry."

"I know you are. I just wish I could tell," he mumbled. "Whatever's happening, you need to try to  _actually_  handle it, or those bookstores are gonna empty out faster than an oasis in a desert full of thirsty, dying people."

"I will. I promise."

"You shouldn't."

"I shouldn't what?"

"Promise," Jess said evenly, looking directly into her eyes. "Whether you like it or not, this is your life. Are you just gonna move through it for the next forty or fifty years, or are you actually going to _live_  it? You're Hannah's example. She's your daughter –daughters look to their moms, unless they don't have a mom to look to. So, what kind of example are you going to set for her?"

Rory blinked hard, taken aback by Jess' question.

"Starting there isn't exactly easy, but once you can answer that, the rest will follow. Wherever you lead –once you answer yourself  _that_ \- the rest will follow."

Jess stood, continuing to bite his lip as Rory stuttered more tearful apologies and ran out. He blinked hard and walked back into Greg's office.

"You okay, man?" Greg asked. "You don't look so good."

"I don't feel so great, actually. Are you okay to hold it down the rest of the day if I take off?"

"Sure. That came on quick, huh?"

"Yeah, I think I need to empty out my fridge at home. I think what I brought in for lunch today has been –sitting in there too long."

Greg laughed.

"Greggers –you don't know her like I do. I can't explain it to you, but trust me –she's showing you half a deck right now, if that. She's banking on it –she's coasting on the fact that you don't know her."

"Rory?"

Jess nodded. "You have to push her. She's not as delicate as she looks, you won't bruise her. You  _need_  to push her. She has to start pushing back. Believe me, she  _needs_  to be pushed. She's used to tangoing with me. She needs to tango with  _you_."

"What do you mean, she  _needs_ to be pushed?"

"She graduated top of her class from Yale, she was the editor of  _The Yale Daily News_. She knows how to be a force of nature. You have to  _force_ her to be a force of nature. We've got her doing this tour, so it's an opportunity we shouldn't waste. I know you know how to push –all I'm saying is, don't be afraid to. At first, she'll be mad –at me, probably, because again, being mad at me is something she knows how to do. But she'll thank us for it. She'll thank  _you_. Push her, Greg. Don't let her melt into a wishy-washy puddle. Make her work for the opportunity we've given her by taking a chance on her. Make her show you what she's made of –make her prove it."

"I'm –I'm not even sure I understand what that means," Greg said.

"Push her until she starts pushing back. You'll see."

"How? I mean, how do I push her if I don't even know what you mean?"

"You're asking the wrong question. If someone gave you a Ferrari, you wouldn't need an instruction manual to tell you how to make the engine purr. Rory is like a Ferrari that piddles along fifty miles an hour below the speed limit –and that's a waste of a Ferrari. Start raising the bar –make  _her_  come to  _you_. We've been lenient with her because she's a new mom and she's my friend; it's time to treat her  _a little less_  like my friend and  _a little more_  like any other author we agree to work with. Understand?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Start there. I'll see you tomorrow, Greggers." As soon as Jess was out of the office, he dialed Ella.

"Hey Groucho," she said happily, "how's it going?"

"You're an amazing woman, did you know that spitfire?"

"I tell myself that every day, actually."

"I mean it. You're strong, you're fierce. You love with all your heart. You own who you are and you make zero apologies for it. And I love you for it."

"Jess," Ella said slowly, "are you okay? You're not a touchy-feely type; the last time you were –"

"This isn't that."

"Are you sure?"

"Do I sound like I'm about to crumble to you?"

"No."

"Okay then. I just don't know how long it's been since you've heard that from someone who isn't your dad or Mike and I thought it oughtta be said. You're an amazing woman. You did that against some pretty steep odds."

"You're not talking about my wheelchair, are you?" Ella asked knowingly.

"Nope."

"You're talking about the other thing… the absent mother thing."

Jess stayed silent while continuing to walk towards his car.

"Why are you telling me this? We hardly ever talk about my non-mother, you and me –so why are you choosing today to tell me that you love how strong  _the lack of her_  has made me?"

"Maybe because I haven't –told you that before. Not explicitly anyway. And I thought I should. Just, if you ever worry that being a woman without a mother has made you cold, hard, the opposite of endearing –whatever- don't. It hasn't. And it takes a strong woman to –to  _not_ be those things in the face of that."

"Thanks, Jess. That –that means a lot. Even if you've said it before without  _actually_  saying –especially coming from you."

"I thought it might. I'll see you over the weekend, El."

* * *

"She was wrong, Logan," Rory said quietly, later that night after returning home from Brooklyn.

"Who? What are you talking about?" Logan sighed, rocking Hannah in his arms.

"My grandma."

"Oh yeah? What was she so wrong about, Rory?"

"Logan…"

"No, you don't get to 'Logan…' your way out of this. Not after what went down in Dr. Bowman's office yesterday. If you can tell me Emily was wrong, you should be able to tell me what she was so wrong about."

Rory stayed silent, assuming it wasn't her turn to speak yet –Logan wasn't finished.

"Do you have any idea how tired I am –how exhausting it is, being Mr. Congeniality about this whole thing? You act like you're the only one whose life got turned upside down. I'm busy trying to figure out how to be a dad; I'm accepting Jess  _and_  whatever his role's going to be in this situation; I'm still cushioning  _your_  fall; and I'm trying not to murder my father for coming at you and Hannah at the same time –I'm trying to anticipate when he  _might_  try it, so I can protect you. The only support system I have is Honour, who's in California.

"You know, I may not like everything Mitchum does and protecting my family always comes first, but do you think having _nothing_   _to do with him_  is something I  _want_? Do you have any idea what it's like to be  _forced_ to tell your father to go ahead and disown you? To not be able to take it back, or be able to turn to him when you need advice – _ever_? What about having a mother who's so stunned that she has yet to speak to you –to not know if she will even,  _ever_? I'm exhausted Ace –and my goodwill is running out. So tell me,  _what_  is your grandmother  _so_ wrong about?"

"You," Rory whispered, running her fingers through his blond hair. "Telling you about our daughter was not the wrong thing to do."

"It's funny that you can only seem to remember that when it suits your fancy. All I've been doing is going to bat for you, Rory. When the hell can I expect you to start doing the same for me? When am I going to  _notice_  that you're doing the same for me –will I ever?"

"I'm sorry…"

"Crocodile tears won't move me, Ace. Damn it! You know, I thought Jess might've been riding the wave of his anger at the time, but I think he was right. Anger aside, I think he was – _is_ -  _actually_  right."

"About what?"

"You keep saying you're sorry –but I don't think you know what you're apologizing for, much less how to be sorry for it. For all the work you've done, you still can't see it, can you?"

"I'm trying –"

"I know. But it isn't hard enough, Rory. You're going on tour soon and in this mindset, it won't go well. If it doesn't go well, one day, you'll wake up and realize the massiveness of the opportunity that you let pass you by. You're not going to get another shot. You get one chance, Ace. If you screw this up to the point where it can't be salvaged, there's no do-over. You might get another chance, somewhere down the line –but it won't be  _this_  one. Don't let it slip past you because you're too caught up in  _whatever_  to notice. The 'whatever' isn't nearly as important as  _this_ is; even if you do get to do it again –if you do get another crack at it- it won't be the same."

"Are you talking about my book or –or our family?" Rory asked shakily.

Logan stood up, kissed Hannah's head and handed her to Rory. "Maybe I'm talking about a little bit of both. I'm gonna stay at my place tonight. I'll see you in the morning, Ace."

* * *

Rory was able to schedule one last appointment with Dr. Bowman, only one day before she was due to leave for her tour. What's more, she convinced Logan to come back with her, so that they could talk about what happened over their respective Christmas breaks –this time, without the underhanded anger and very overt yelling.  _This_  appointment would be the appointment that would afford them the opportunity to be open and honest as much as they were comfortably able to be with each other at this point in time; to speak to each other,  _be heard_  and try –in earnest- to support each other through their respective feelings. During  _this_  appointment, they'd get to start a  _truly_  supportive dialogue that would continue while Rory was on her tour, especially in the instances of the dates when she wouldn't be joined by Logan –but by Lorelai or Lane to help with Hannah instead.

At least, that's what Rory hoped, anyway.

Logan hoped so too, because he was almost out of fumes to run on.


	44. Chapter 44

"Why do you look like you're about to throw up?" Lorelai asked.

"Maybe because I am," Rory sighed. "What if this is a disaster? What if they hate me?"

"If they hated you, I doubt there'd be a book tour to be had, Hun. I promise, the people who show up are not going to wait in line to tell you that you suck."

"Oh God! What if I put this off for too long? What if there are  _no_ people?"

"The 'people' know you had a baby Rory; they're not going to hold that against you. And the ones that do won't be there, so worrying yourself sick about them is a moot point."

"But, I –"

"Stop," Lorelai said, grasping her daughter's shoulders. "You can do this. You forget, your ass isn't the only one on the line. Jess and Greg and the rest of the guys at Truncheon have a lot riding on this. You think they'd send you out and turn a blind eye while a lamb wanders into the slaughter?"

"Jess might…"

"He would absolutely  _not_. Not Rory Gilmore, Truncheon's  _best-selling_  lamb. Just plain old you? Well, it's a good thing he works with four other guys, isn't it?" she winked.

Rory cast her eyes down to the floor.

"You need to do this, Rory. Not for Jess; not for Truncheon; not for your readers. You need to do this for you. You need to remember the go-getter you used to be. You've hidden enough. Time to fake it till you make it, sister."

"That's what I have been doing."

"Time to hone the craft and be better at it than ever before. You  _need_ this, Rory. Don't screw it up because you're scared. Don't  _not do it_  because you're scared. You'll never forgive yourself. And you have enough you're not forgiving yourself for and not letting yourself rise above. Don't add this to the list. It is time, my sweet, to start turning the page."

* * *

Something started happening –with the first person whose book Rory signed. Greg noticed it right away and as it continued, he found it hard to contain his excitement; his wheels immediately started to turn.

It started with that first reader and at least two dozen more times throughout the Boston signing: women, and even a few men were confiding in Rory in the few moments they had with her. They were thanking her for her book –for the strength it gave them, how it made them feel less alone as a single parent and how they viewed it as a good omen, a sign that they could raise their children alone, and that those children would grow up strong, just like Rory had. People were telling her that her memoir made them examine their own upbringing and gave them the courage to try and mend some of the burnt bridges in their families.

Rory was flattered and moved, but she seemed genuinely dumbfounded to hear that her little memoir could have such a positive effect on so many people. Each time someone told her this, she felt her breath catch. She couldn't help but question to herself whether the book that had moved these people so much and the one that she wrote were in fact one in the same. She was just Rory –a woman raised in a town no one had ever heard of, who ate far too much junk food and drank unhealthy amounts of coffee, who was defined by little more than her pursuit for perfection in all aspects of life until a few years ago.

"Your little girl is so lucky," one woman told her about midway through the event, "you have such an amazing relationship with your mother –it jumped off every page! And now you –well, I can't think of anyone better to be raising a little baby girl. It's so amazing, isn't it? The way life comes full circle…"

"Thank you, but –but I'm not sure I understand what you mean," Rory said, smiling kindly.

"You must be so thrilled to have a daughter of your own –to have the chance to be everything to your own daughter that your mother's been to you. Your mother gave you everything you needed and then some. You've had an amazing life in that small town of yours. Very few people get to grow up and not only have a mother, but a  _real_  best friend, too. You must be so excited at the prospect of recreating that magical relationship with your own little girl!"

Rory felt her eyes well up with tears suddenly. "Yeah," she whispered, trying to keep her chin from quivering, "yeah, I am."

"As I said, your daughter is one extremely lucky little girl."

"Thank you. It –it was so good to meet you. Thank you  _so_ much for–for coming."

"Best of luck to you."

Greg could hardly believe the exchange he'd just heard and the reaction he'd witnessed from Rory. Something was  _happening_  here. Everyone was worried that the delayed tour because of Rory's pregnancy and new mom stress would be a huge blow; but as it turned out, it might've been the best thing that could've happened.

Greg snuck away and called Jess. "I wish you could see what was going on here, man," he said quietly. He went on to explain the reactions of readers and what he'd heard that one particular woman say to Rory a moment ago. "This could be the best PR spin ever."

"That's great, Greggers," Jess smirked, genuinely pleased. "But try not to get too ahead of yourself."

"You told me to push her. You trust me to nudge her, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, we're standing on a precipice here, Jess. A one in a million, fantastic, against all odds precipice. They say that lightning doesn't strike the same place twice –but I think I have a good shot of getting it to strike more than once per appearance."

"How?"

"By giving it more appearances to strike at," Greg answered, unable to keep from smiling. "Trust me."

"Okay. But tread lightly –if she's not into it and you push it too much, she might walk away from the whole thing and it's  _very_ early in this game to be placing that bet."

"Jess –if you were witnessing what I am… I have to try."

"All right then, Maestro. Do the impossible –make lightning strike twice." Jess let out a shaky but hopeful sigh as he hung up the phone; he really hoped Greg was right. Rory could be a force of nature, after all; and if there was anything you ought not to do, it was question nature's ability to make highly improbable and impossible things very possible indeed.

* * *

"Rory, I really think we should consider adding more appearances to your schedule," Greg said carefully as the Boston signing wrapped up. "It wouldn't be hard and it wouldn't stretch you too thin –there's enough time, there are gaps we can easily fill in a little. The response today was amazing. I can reach out to other independent shops in the area –we wouldn't even have to relocate to a different hotel. I think what we saw today –there's a lot more where that came from, and I think it'd be a mistake not to try to tap into it."

"Hm? What –I'm sorry. You want more appearances?" Rory asked, distracted.

"Were you even listening to anything I just said?"

"No, I mean yeah, I was. I'm sorry –I just, I was looking for someone."

"Who?"

"My –my grandmother. She lives on Nantucket and –and Boston isn't too far for her, so I thought she'd come, but –I guess not. But I was listening. More dates? How many more?"

"One more per state, depending on your energy levels. Either in the cities where we already are or a reasonable drive away. I just think –I think it'd be a mistake not to jump on this. Were you keeping track of the number of women who were close to tears? The ones who said your book reaffirmed their strength in their ability to be a single parent? The ones who told you that your daughter is the luckiest girl in the world because you're her mom?"

"No –I had no idea…. that was really overwhelming," Rory said quietly, feeling a lump rise in her throat again.

"Trust me, Rory –we're just scratching the surface. If we add just one more appearance per stop, more  _will_ come."

"But there's no notice –it's too fast. Even if we add another date here…"

"Social media is a wonderful thing," Greg said. "Let me talk to the owner of the shop –see if we can get you back in here the day after tomorrow before we move on. The rest of the stops I have more time to work out. You in?"

"Not here –I mean, in the other places, sure, see what you can do. But I –I feel like adding another date here is –it's too fast."

Greg sighed. He knew if she'd agreed without any reservations it would've been too easy. "Okay. But you're okay with me tacking a second date on in some other places?"

"Sure," Rory nodded, "I guess."

"You guess?"

"Go for it, Greg."

"Rory, why do you seem sad? Why aren't you excited? This is a great thing!"

"I am excited –I'm just, stunned, I guess. It's been a long time since I've accomplished something –anything- this big. I guess I'm just a little skeptical, like I'm gonna wake up and it's gonna disappear."

"You are awake, Rory. Time to enjoy it. It'll only go away if you run from it too fast to bask in it. And trust me –based on what happened today, there's plenty of time to bask. You should start choosing some different excerpts to read and discuss. I think we should expand the Q&A session a little."

"Okay, I'll work on it."

"Smile! Everything you've been working for is coming true!" Greg laughed, running off to talk to the shop owner about coming back in two days, just in case Rory changed her mind.

"He's right, Ace," Logan said quietly, emerging from the background holding Hannah in his arms. "Soak it all in. It's all happening. You shouldn't run from it. You should do another signing here. I can stay."

"Logan," Rory sighed, taking Hannah from him and kissing her head, "it's too much too fast."

"No, it isn't, Ace. Besides, if you do another signing here, it might give Emily the processing time she needs. She might show up. You know she read the book…"

"She wasn't too thrilled with –"

"It doesn't matter; she might surprise you. But you have to give her the chance."

* * *

Rory did consent to another appearance in Boston, but much to her dismay, there was no sign of her grandmother.

It turned out that the woman who told her that Hannah was the luckiest baby in the world was a dime a dozen. The overwhelming opinion of her readers –everywhere she went- was that there was nothing more exciting than Rory's opportunity to recreate the dynamic she'd shared with her mother, with her own daughter.

Rory had never thought of it that way, but the more she heard this sentiment relayed back to her by emotional fans of her book, she slowly started to realize that maybe they were right. She did have the opportunity to be everything for Hannah that her mother was to her, but she was still skeptical that she could fill such big shoes.

People wanted to know about Hannah, but Rory revealed precious little, careful to not even share her name. Her readers knew her daughter was with her and wanted to meet her, but Rory said no. Crowds were of course curious about Hannah's father –who he was and if he was a part of her life, but Rory was careful not to answer those questions either. Instead, she stuck to talking about the content of her book and welcoming almost any question people could think of about her own upbringing, giving them all sorts fun tidbits about her relationship with Lorelai that weren't in her book. She stopped short of giving any more detail about familial strain between Lorelai and Emily than was covered within its pages.

"Did you plan to get pregnant? I mean –did you get pregnant because you wanted a daughter?" one person asked.

"No," Rory said slowly, "motherhood –it definitely took me by surprise."

"Do you regret it?"

"No. If I have any misgivings – _how_ it happened is what I struggle with, not  _that_ it happened. I love my daughter very much, and I wouldn't trade her for anything."

"What about the  _how_ of it do you struggle with?" asked another.

"I'm a person who likes to have a plan for everything. I like to hypothesize about every variable, make pro/con lists and be prepared for any number of outcomes. You just heard me admit that motherhood took me by surprise. Given how much I love to plan, just imagine how I felt when I found out that the biggest thing to ever happen to me was nothing I'd ever considered! It wasn't –it isn't- an easy adjustment to make. I'm still learning how; and I hate to admit –I'm not all that great at it sometimes. But my family and friends are present and patient –maybe more than they should be. I'm learning. And as I said, I love my daughter. My mom provided a wonderful example and in a lot of ways, I'm just learning now how challenging it is to do what she did. But I hope I can be at least half the mother to my daughter that my mom has been to me."

"You dedicated the book to the memory of your grandfather," someone said.

"I did."

"What do you think he'd have to say about all this?"

"I –" Rory cleared her throat and swallowed hard, "I hope he'd be proud of me. I'm still working on that –making him proud."

At every stop, this was more or less how the Q&A sessions went. With each event, Rory loosened up a little more. Logan, Lorelai and Lane –whoever happened to be with her, waiting in the wings with Hannah, saw her start to smile more and really  _enjoy_ what she was doing. It was as if this joy about her motherhood, projected onto her by droves of strangers, was finally starting to puncture holes in her long-built-up walls. It was true –that old saying about needing reinforcement from someone objective and removed.

Sometimes, if you were too close to it all, you really couldn't tell that the green globs you saw everywhere were in fact leaves, and those leaves were on trees, and those trees made up a vast and awe-inspiring forest.

* * *

Jess knew Greg was good at his job, but he couldn't help but be skeptical of the updates his friend was providing him with. It was just so unseemly, that all Rory needed to start working her way out of a year-long rut of personal sorrow and turmoil was a  _book tour_ , of all things. Convincing her to add on another layer of appearances was one thing, but it wasn't until Greg texted him a ten-minute video of one of her Q&A sessions that he really understood what was happening. Everything Greg was telling him was true, and Greg had no idea how monumental all this really was –how far beyond the success of her book this truly reached.

"I'll be Goddamned," he whispered to himself as he watched Rory eloquently balance some very tough questions from her readers, " _there_  she is." Jess immediately picked up the phone to call Truncheon headquarters in Philly. "Matt, it's Jess."

"My God, Rory's killing it!" Matt laughed happily.

"I know. When she gets to Philadelphia, pull out  _all_ the stops, you hear me? Like our open houses, times ten."

"Can she handle that?"

"Don't ask. Just  _throw her in_."

"Are you sure that's –?"

"Don't waste time asking her. If you ask, she can say no. Just do it. She'll handle it. She'll handle it  _better_  if you –"

"If we pull a fast one on her and throw her into a ring, ten times bigger than what she was expecting?"

"If you don't give her an opportunity to doubt herself. If she's given the chance to doubt herself, it's all over. Trust me. She'll be a little shocked, she might get mad, but Rory's a people pleaser –the last thing she'll want to do is let that audience down. So give her room to react and don't take it personally, then, just watch as she pulls all the right strings."

"Jess, if this backfires…"

"I'll take all the heat."

"We couldn't make up the loss, you crooked mouthed wiseass."

"There won't be a loss, Matt. Would it make you feel better if I was there?"

"Yeah, but that's impossible. Greg's on the road with Rory. We can't afford to close up shop in Brooklyn, even if it is only for two days."

"Tell Chris the plan. Let me worry about Brooklyn."

"This is  _your_  plan, Jess –not some democratically agreed upon consensus."

"You didn't pull this when Greg wanted to add more to her plate."

"Not the same thing, Mariano."

"Greg's been your partner for about three years, not twelve. Jesus, Matt. I know what I'm doing –and I  _know_  Rory. We will  _not_ have to eat this. Trust me. Just talk to Chris. If he's as uppity as you are, you can both take it up with me when I get there next week."

"Hey Groucho, what's up?" Ella asked when Jess called after hanging up with Matt.

"I gotta go to Philly for a few days next week. Can I record an outgoing at the office and an auto response email directing urgent calls and inquiries to you?"

"So, I'm your traffic director now?"

"The most  _beautiful, stunning_ traffic director…"

"Easy cowboy. I have a boyfriend."

"El, please."

"You owe me sushi."

"Done."

"And I had to buy another bookcase…"

"I'm the Tim Allen to Mike's Al Borland.  _Tool Time 2.0_  –better tools, prettier faces."

"We haven't had a Whedon geek out day in a while either."

"Name the date; just tell me when to show up and what sustenance to bring."

"Okay, you have a deal," Ella said evenly, grinning to herself.

"Oh my God, thank you! Thank you, thank you!"

"So, I'm assuming this is Rory-related. She's not tanking, is she? I've really been pulling for her to fly through this…"

"She is –flying. I need to go out to Philly to prove to the rest of the guys how high she can  _really_  fly," Jess smirked.

"Oh Jesus, what are you planning without telling her? If she kills you, I will take it somewhat amiss, Jess," Ella sighed.

"She won't kill me. If she tries, I promise to use one of the other guys as a human shield so that I can escape unscathed."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

* * *

"Hey, Jess just called me. You know he's going to be in Philadelphia for Rory's readings?" Luke asked.

"Oh, no way! I bet you he's plotting something that might get him seriously injured or even a whole lot of dead…"

"Probably. But Rory's been doing so well, do you really think she'd refuse? If she was going to balk, I think she would've done it by now, don't you? It sounds like she's really coming out of her shell."

"She is," Lorelai smiled. "It's amazing actually. I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't witnessing some of it myself. And to answer your question –she'd kill your nephew in a heartbeat, stash his body in a closet and dazzle the crowd he assembled for her before worrying about how to get away with the murder. She's a people pleaser, after all."

"Geez, I hope it doesn't get that violent. Do you want to go?"

"Go where?"

"To Philadelphia! I want to. I'm excited to see how Rory's been handling all this –especially if it's going as well as everyone says. There's no reason why I should have to wait until she's here in Connecticut to see this for myself, should I?"

"No, you definitely shouldn't. You should go and support her whenever and wherever you want. I'm sure she'd love to see you there."

"I haven't been to the Truncheon that started it all since the open house back in oh-six that Jess invited me to. Besides,  _someone_  has to make sure Rory doesn't kill him for whatever he's cooked up. Who better than us? So how about it? Will you come to Philadelphia with me to support your daughter and protect my nephew from bodily harm, Crazy Coffee Lady?"

"I'd go to the moon with you if you wanted me to, Burger Boy," Lorelai winked.

* * *

It was mid-February, and Philadelphia marked the halfway point in Rory's schedule; she was tired, but still energized and genuinely moved by her audience's reaction to  _Coffee & Pop Tarts_. Impressively, she had yet to buckle under the pressure –despite a trying year and everyone around her worried that she might shut down at any second.

The fears of those who knew her best were very nearly confirmed when she stepped inside the Truncheon brownstone in Philadelphia for the first time in over ten years.

"Rory!" Chris said exuberantly. "Welcome!"

"What is all this?" she asked, looking around nervously. There were tablecloths, hors d'oeuvres and more chairs than she could possibly count.

"Don't freak out," Jess said, rushing to the door when he heard Rory's shocked tone.

" _You_  did all this, Jess?"

"Kinda, yeah. Hi."

"Hi. This is  _not_ what I agreed to. This is a mixer, a schmoose-fest. I never wanted to do anything this big. Are industry-types going to be here too?"

"Maybe. Your mom and Luke are also making a special trip. They were actually supposed to beat you here."

"Oh God!"

"You wrote a book that Truncheon published, and you're doing an event at the original Truncheon headquarters. Did you think you were still in small potato territory?"

"Jess," Rory said lowly, her cheeks growing hot.

"It'll be okay, Rory. No big deal. You've done so well with the rest of the tour, this should be a walk in the park!" Chris offered encouragingly. "Challenges are what make life interesting. You'll get comfortable –sail through it…"

"Chris," Jess said, eying his friend, "I know you're trying to help, but can it."

"I can't do this," she whispered.

"Yes you can, Ace," Logan said, stepping into the brownstone behind her, having joined her for this event for the first time since Boston. "You dealt with more high-octane situations at the  _Yale Daily News_ on a regular basis. You came very close to writing a biography of Naomi Shropshire, for crying out loud. You've handled worse, more torturous and less rewarding situations before. You can do this."

From Logan's arms, Hannah reached for Jess as soon as she saw him.

Jess smirked and reached out to stroke her cheek before meeting Logan's eyes. "Can you give us a sec?"

"Sure," Logan sighed. "Chris?" he asked, looking at Jess' friend.

"Yeah! Nice to meet you!" Chris smiled.

"You too. Can you give me and the little girl here a tour of this place?"

Once Chris and Logan were out of earshot, Jess took a deep breath and jumped in with both feet. "I get it. You're pissed at me. I went over your head. But you  _are_  going to do this, Rory."

"Oh, so you're giving me  _orders_  now? Jess, you had no right to up the ante of this event  _so much_ without telling me! I'm not prepared for anything on this scale and you know it!" Rory snapped back.

Jess scoffed at this. "You may not have been expecting it, but you  _are_  prepared. You  _can_ do this, and you know it. Even  _Logan_ agrees with me on this. And if I had  _asked_ your permission, you would've balked and said no –so yes, I gave the go-ahead on this open house without your say so and much to the trepidation of my beloved partners, who don't know you as well as I do and don't dare push you too far. You agreed to Greg's suggestion of adding more appearances to your schedule without too much fight, so I can't help but think that it's the fact that  _I'm_ the puppet master behind this surprise that angers you, more than the surprise itself.

"Greg's been sending me pretty lengthy footage of your signings –your interactions with readers, the way you deftly handle sensitive information; answering their questions while never revealing anything about the juicy stuff, never parading Hannah out for them or revealing who her father is. You're in your element and you love it. You're protecting your daughter –and your grandfather's memory at the same time. That's not an easy line to walk and you're doing it –you're doing it like a master.

"Hannah may have been the last thing you  _didn't_ plan to have happen to you, but your readers –they're giving you a kind of validation and encouragement that those closest to you can't –we just can't. You're being reassured that  _you_ , Rory Gilmore are inspiring and that you  _are_ and  _will continue to be_  a good mother, by people who don't know you and who owe you nothing. I may only be present at a few of these events but do you really think I've been blissfully unaware of how you've been doing at every turn –at every signing? Quite the opposite.

"This has been  _really_ good for you. It's proof positive from strangers who owe you  _nothing_  that there is hope. Even if your motherhood is a reality that may always seem like a confusing, surreal mess –you are still Rory Gilmore. You still have worth, you still have reasons to be hopeful, you still have every right to believe in yourself, to want great things for yourself and be a great mom to your baby, even if that seems impossible right now –it's not. Don't let the extra hootenanny of this evening throw you; let it drive you to be better, make you strive for that perfection you used to chase. Show your readers –and remind those who know you best, with all the hubris you can muster,  _exactly_ what you're made of. Continue to take your life back –one press junket event at a time.

"You're being told by scores of readers that Hannah is the luckiest girl in the world to have  _you_  as her mom, because you have such an amazing relationship with Lorelai and now you get to recreate that with your own daughter and what could be better than that. Own it, be proud and continue to climb out; you get closer and closer to daylight all the time."

"He's right, you know," Lorelai interjected from behind her daughter, causing Rory to jump at her unexpected presence, "you do have the best relationship with your mother known to the  _universe_  –and nothing is better than having the chance to recreate that with Hannah. Although, no matter how good it is, it will always play a  _very close_ second fiddle to you and I, because perfection, my dear daughter _, is very_ hard to duplicate," she said with a wink.

Rory smiled and gave Lorelai a hug. "Even though I  _had no clue_ you were coming, I am glad you're here." She turned to Luke and gave him a warm hug as well. "You too."

"Any time, kiddo," Luke said with an affectionate smile.

"I'm thirty-three!"

"Nope, you'll always be sixteen to me and a kiddo in my eyes. A damn impressive one at that."

"What am I, chop liver?" Jess asked with a laugh.

"You stole baseballs and gnomes, you dropped out of school, crashed cars and had a weird obsession with the two of us holding hands and skipping. I'm proud of you, but this is still a relatively new thing in the scheme of your entire life," Luke quipped sarcastically, winking at his nephew.

Jess rolled his eyes and looked at Rory again. "Trust me, you can do this. You  _will_ , because Truncheon can't recoup the financial loss of an event this size if you don't. You can be mad at me all you want, you have the right to be –but would you really shirk such an important event with so many important people coming, just to stick it to  _me_? The shame over disappointing all the people who'll be here in a few hours? You couldn't do that."

"I hate you," Rory muttered stubbornly under her breath, because he was absolutely right. He knew her very well and sometimes that pissed her off.

"See?" Lorelai said to Luke with a triumphant smile. "She'll please the people and kill Jess later. Because as mad as she might be at him, she can live with killing him and disposing of his lifeless body, whereas disappointing a room full of devoted readers and strategic industry-types is something she simply  _cannot_ bear. She's a people pleaser first and a murderer of your nephew second."

"As expected," Luke said with a smirk

"Okay," Jess said slowly, rolling his eyes and looking at Luke, and then Lorelai dubiously, "I'm fairly certain that I never want to have  _any_ idea what  _that's_ all about."

* * *

Despite Rory's initial fears and anger, the Philadelphia event was a huge success. Sensitive questions were answered strategically; Logan, Lorelai and Luke watched from a hidden corner, all three of them beaming with pride –even Hannah smiled and giggled when she saw and recognized her mom.

Rory even managed to speak to a few people in the publishing industry who'd reviewed her book for small scale literary magazines and columns –and much to her surprise, the feedback she received was –if not unabashedly positive every single time- always constructive and encouraging. A few people even offered their business cards, suggesting that she may have a good shot at a future not as a reporter, but a non-fiction book writer.

As the event wound down, it was nearing eleven at night, and Greg, Bryan, Chis and Matt had excused themselves to give Rory some privacy with her family and Jess; they set about lethargically cleaning up remnants of the night's success.

Rory was justifiably exhausted; Hannah, however, was full of energy, having just woken up from a few hours of sleep. Everyone –Luke, Lorelai, Logan and Jess- were exuberantly congratulating Rory on a job well done, unable to contain their excitement at the encouragement she received from the industry people in attendance.

Suddenly, Logan caught sight of Hannah on the edge of his periphery. "Nannah!" he laughed excitedly, "What are you doing, little one?"

At this, everyone's conversations stopped; Luke, Jess, Lorelai and Rory turned their attention to Hannah and instantly knew what they were about to witness. Everyone stared, beaming smiles dancing on their lips, their mouths open in excitement. No one made a sound.

Hannah had crawled over to a giant ottoman in the middle of Truncheon's main room. For the first time, she took her small hands off the floor and reached up, balancing only on her knees as she placed her palms flat on the soft, cushiony surface. Cute grumbled and grunty baby noises came out of her mouth quietly as she pushed as hard as she could on her tiny arms, forcing whatever small weight she had, through them. After two failed attempts, she finally did it –a few more cute, grumbly noises, and she'd managed to pull herself up onto her very unsteady feet, her legs trembling and holding onto the ottoman for dear life all the while. She tentatively looked back at all the grownups watching her and smiled triumphantly before falling forward onto the plush surface. For a split second everyone froze, waiting to hear that first telltale wail, at which they were all prepared to jump up and sooth her. But there was no wail –the tense silence was broken by what is almost universally considered to be the sweetest and most infectious sound in the world –the booming, full-throated laughter of a tiny, eight-month-old human.

It didn't take long for everyone who loved Hannah the most to get caught up in the joy of her newest accomplishment –within a split second they were laughing and feeling lumps of happy tears form in their throats. Soon all five of them were crouched on the floor, clamouring to shower her with hugs, kisses, and of course, their happy, impossibly proud tears.

* * *

Manhattan was nerve wracking –because it was Manhattan.

"This is crazy," Rory said shakily. "This is  _crazy_! I'm going to tank."

"Why would you tank when your entire tour has been the  _exact_ opposite of tanking?" Lane asked. "Just because it's Manhattan? Please."

"Thanks for coming, Lane."

"Thanks for giving me an excuse to take a break from all the testosterone in my house."

"No problem. I love you."

"I love you too, Rory." Lane paused, looking at her best friend for a long moment before smiling wistfully –almost to herself.

"What?"

"You really are doing better, aren't you? You seem happier, more content and at ease than I've seen you in –"

"I know."

"Like, genuinely."

"I know," Rory smiled. "I'm starting to really remember who I used to be, you know? I'd forgotten how much I liked her. I hope she doesn't shrink away as soon as this tour is done."

"She'd better not disappear, or I'll have to beat her back into you," Paris interjected, appearing, it seemed, out of nowhere.

"Paris!" Rory said excitedly, "You came!"

"Well, my office and brownstone aren't far, and Doyle has the kids tonight, so. I figured I'd get a taste for the writing world I've been out of for so long. If you do tank, you'll ruin everything for me and if you do that, I might have to kill you. This is my first free night in six months. If you bore me, I  _will_ leave."

"I'll do my best."

"By 'best' you'd better mean your best circa ten years ago –not lately- otherwise, sayonara Gilmore –there's a double scotch on the rocks down the street with my name on it."

"I promise."

"Hi Paris," Lane said.

"Lane," Paris nodded. "So, where's the littlest Gilmore? Logan hasn't killed her or traded her in for some crazy black-market tequila from his Porsche dealer, has he?"

"No," Rory laughed. "But she is with him. He's back in Stamford for a few days."

"Darn."

"He and Hannah will be in Brooklyn with me in two days if you wanted to –"

"Rory, I cannot stress how  _deeply_  sarcastic my disappointment is at missing  _Logan_. Hannah's doing well, though?"

"Yeah," Rory smiled. "She stood up by herself for the first time last week, in Philadelphia."

"Hm. I would've expected her to hit that milestone a few weeks earlier. If she keeps falling behind, let me know."

"She's not behind, Paris."

"It's the ones who don't start there but slip behind that are the worry."

"Thank you  _so_ much for all you're doing to put my mind at ease right before stepping out there to talk to a rowdy Manhattan crowd about my very personal memoir," Rory deadpanned.

"Oh please. Your memoir is impressively written, but no one reading it is going to be any rowdier than the crowd at a  _Lilith Fair_ concert. Enjoy your sweet surrender, Sarah McLaughlin. You'll be just fine. I'll wait for you, we'll have a drink together afterwards. I'm assuming you might need one."

"Yes please."

"You can come too, Lane."

"Great," Lane said, a little flatly. "Still better than all the testosterone, though. I'm in."

"Paris, wait!" Rory called desperately. When her friend turned, she asked quietly, "How many people are out there?"

"You've got a packed house, Sarah; it's like you're building some kind of mystery or something."

* * *

Thankfully, Brooklyn was a slightly quieter affair. Rory had come to know Truncheon's Brooklyn office very well, so that made her feel more at ease too.

Jess and Greg were buzzing, shocked and thrilled that the pace of crowds Rory was drawing in remained so consistently high. She did opt out of a second appearance in either New York location, though –fatigue was starting to set in. Oddly enough, this bothered no one –Greg and Jess didn't try to change her mind even once.

More industry connections came and though Rory was nervous, she didn't explode at Jess over it this time. When she saw Ella, she smiled at recognizing a familiar face. "You count as an industry contact?" she asked with a laugh.

"Darn right I do," Ella nodded. "My blog plugs these suckers at every available opportunity. They never thank me enough for keeping them afloat."

"Excuse me," Jess smirked, "I do believe I've been tapped to build something for you in a few weeks  _and_ bring you food."

"Thank God I never expect you to pay me in actual money, huh?"

"I'd be bankrupt."

"So, did you want to interview me, or…?" Rory asked.

"'Interview' sounds so formal. Have you guys had any food since this thing started?"

"No, but I could eat."

"You can always eat, Ace," Logan laughed.

Ella smiled. "How are you, caveman guy?"

It took a moment for Logan to place the obscure reference that he didn't even know. But he did remember the other choice she gave him that day. "I'm fairly certain I identified myself as an astronaut," he smiled.

"I know. You're wrong."

"I'm wrong? About whether I identify _myself_  as an astronaut or a caveman?  _I'm_ wrong."

"Yup. You're a total caveman."

"I don't even know what that means. You don't know me. How do you know?"

"I just do."

"Are cavemen bad?"

"Not necessarily. Who do you think would win in a fight?"

"Does it matter? An astronaut would never be fighting a caveman in the first place."

"That's not the point."

Rory laughed. Jess couldn't help but cackle at the whole scene, his smirk getting wider when he realized that Rory got the joke.

"What am I missing here, exactly?" Logan asked, rolling his eyes in annoyance and setting Hannah on the floor when she tried to wriggle out of his arms.

"I'll explain it over dinner. But if you don't get it now, my explanation won't help," Ella said.

"Well then what kind of 'explanation' is it?"

"The only one there is. You'll either get it, or you won't."

"You're a very mysterious and frustrating person, aren't you, Ella?" Logan asked.

"To know me is to love me," she smiled sweetly. Ella was about to extend the sarcasm further, but she stopped. "Guys," she whispered, "look!"

Hannah had crawled to Ella's chair and reached up to grab the rim of her wheel.

"Are your brakes on?" Jess asked.

Ella nodded.

Hannah pulled herself up to her feet and wobbled on her legs as she tried to move. Rory crouched down behind her, to catch her if she slipped. Very slowly, Hannah figured out how to move her hands before moving her feet, using Ella's chair to hold herself up. Shakily she stepped and cruised around the side of the chair, past the wheel, moving her chubby little hands one at a time to the horizontal bar across the backrest and continued to move until she was standing squarely behind it. That, though, was all her little legs could muster and she fell back in exhaustion. Rory caught her and scooped her up, showering her with kisses.

"I take it from how rapt you all were that she hasn't been doing that for very long, huh?" Ella asked.

Logan shook his head. "She just stood up by herself a few weeks ago when we were in Philadelphia. She's never actually moved around on her own two feet before," he said, smiling widely and kneeling next to Rory, lacing his fingers through hers and kissing Hannah's head.

"Well, your eight-month-old is officially better at the working legs thing than I am," Ella quipped, leaning forward to touch noses with Hannah. "Congrats, little lady!"

"Well," Jess cleared his throat, feeling pride swell in his chest, "it seems we have more than one thing to celebrate with dinner tonight. Who's hungry?"

* * *

As Rory's Hartford appearance was drawing to a close –her last before returning to Stars Hollow for a signing at Andrew's store and mercifully, getting some rest- she froze when she recognized the hand that presented her with her own book, open to the dedication page. She looked around and saw that this was the last person in line. Off to the side, Logan, Lorelai and Luke's faces were as pale with shock as Rory's. No one moved, or dared shatter the silence before this person said whatever they had come to say.

"That was a very nice thing you did, dedicating this book to your grandfather, Rory," Emily said quietly, her face betraying no emotion.

"It was?" Rory asked, swallowing a lump in her throat.

"Yes, it was."

"Thanks for saying so, Grandma."

"I read it, you know."

"You –you did?"

"Yes. It's very… genuine."

"Thanks."

"I appreciate that you didn't turn me into a cartoonish villain."

"Well –well, you're not, so why –why would I?"

Emily opened her mouth to speak, but for a few beats, no sound would come. "Your grandfather would be proud of you, Rory. Of how you're turning this into something positive. I watched you –I saw the way you handled people's questions, the way you carry yourself, protect what needs protecting without being dishonest. You showed great strength and that would make your grandfather  _very_  proud. It makes me proud, too."

Tears began streaming down Rory's face.

Emily sighed and reached into her purse for a handkerchief, offering it to Rory and grasping her hand. "Oh, come now. Blubbering in public isn't flattering, dear. Here –pull yourself together." She pulled her granddaughter to her feet and reached across the small table to embrace her. "I still don't like how any of this came about, young lady. But I told you I would support you, that I would love you and Hannah and be there for the both of you and I meant it. Do you hear me?" she whispered. "It's all right."

"I love you, Grandma," Rory said quietly.

"I love you too. Now –where is he?"

"Where is –who?"

"Logan. I assume he's here with you."

Rory nodded and pointed over Emily's shoulder.

When Emily's eyes met Logan's, his heart started to race and he tightened his grip on his daughter.

"Come here, Logan, I won't bite. Not while you're holding my great granddaughter, anyway," Emily called to him.

Logan walked forward slowly. "Emily," he said.

"If your father comes after Rory, or Hannah, I'll kill him."

"I'll help."

"If you suddenly decide that being this little one's father no longer suits your fancy –after making the  _choice_ to be part of her life- I might kill you too. I put up with it from Rory's father, I even tried to force them to be a family. I will not put up with it from you. Whatever becomes of you and Rory as a couple doesn't matter nearly as much as putting your daughter first and continuing to be her parents, regardless of what's happening between you two."

"I understand –I agree. Really, I do."

"If either of you let your own personal drama interfere with your duties as a parent, you'll have me to answer to. And Logan… at the end of the day, no matter how irrational she might be about any given thing, Rory is my granddaughter and I will  _always_ back her before I back you."

"I'd expect nothing less."

"Look at your daughter, both of you," Emily said, waiting for Rory and Logan to do as she instructed. "Hannah comes first. Always." She let out a deep breath. "Now, I made dinner reservations –I want to hear everything about how the two of you are handling this, and all the news about this young one's life. Luke! Lorelai! You too! Hurry up, or we'll be late! If they give away our table we will  _not_ be able to get another one!"


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH. MY. GOD. I AM SO SORRY. I've been so busy and so tired! When I have had time for myself, writing for fun hardly feels like fun (damn you and your soul sucking, school!). I don't even know if half of you have given up or lost interest. I've been beating myself up that school and actual adulting has turned me into the never-updating-FF-writer-that's-the-reason-I-never-read-FF. I have a full course load (4/5), I'm working on campus part-time AND I've endured drama of the personal variety lately and all of these things makes me go SCHOOL, BED and not much else. Anyway, I am so sorry to have been silent for so long... Rory's awesome book tour was not the end! For those of you who know me, you know how well I can spin a good story and how far I am from finished. I beg of you to keep my mea culpa in mind going forward as sadly, there may be more long periods of silence in the future (I'm halfway through year one of four of Communications and Media, and with any luck I'll be in a paid co-op position for at least three semesters of that Degree, just to give you an idea of what I mean by 'in the future'). But aside from two exams in a few weeks I'm essentially done until the new semester so I'm hoping to bang out a few chapters over the holidays! I would never desert you, or the tangled web of story I weave, so no matter how long I'm dormant for, I HAVE NOT DIED AND I AM NOT FINISHED. When I'm finished, you'll know because a) I'll tell you and b) there will be no story left to tell (ask anyone who read Stop Running... I was finished writing when the story was over. The story is my master, I am but the instrument.) I love you all. Bless your patience. I'm very sorry if you need a comprehensive refresher before reading this next chapter. I will *try* and keep my EIGHT-WEEK-LONG SILENCES (holy fuck, I'm so sorry) to a minimum.

"So, she had your baby  _and_ she wrote a book?" Colin asked, tossing a copy of  _Coffee & Pop Tarts_ at Logan's face. "You've been holding out on us, Huntzberger."

"Holding what out on you, exactly?" Logan asked.

"Everything! You know having scores of illegitimate children was  _my_ ambition in life," Robert replied emphatically.

"It's not too late, Robert. You shouldn't give up on your dreams, man," Logan laughed. "Besides, I haven't hoarded your territory –I don't have  _scores_ of children, I have  _one_ child. And she's not illegitimate."

"Have you  _eloped_  as well?"

"No."

"Has Mitchum forced you to make an honest woman out of her? No disrespect to Rory, but even he should know it's a little late for that."

"Don't talk to me about Mitchum; don't mention his name to me ever again, you understand?"

"What's happened now?" Colin asked.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit. It's bad enough that we had to find out that you'd become a father from  _Finn_  –"

"Oi, why are your knickers in a twist over that, buttercup?" Finn asked, looking down his nose at Colin.

Colin ignored him. "Come on Logan –trashing your father is what we do, it's our raison d'être. What happened? Did he lose it?"

"You need to find a new raison d'être, Colin. Shut it. We're not talking about this."

"Oh, he totally lost it…" Robert started to say, chucking.

"I said shut it, fuckers," Logan seethed. "I'm not talking about Mitchum with you –with anyone, ever. It's a waste of precious air."

"He's not so much the doting grandpa, then?" Finn teased.

"Do you want me to knock all your teeth out? All of you? Keep testing me. I almost knocked Mitchum's out; I won't hesitate to lay waste to all of your not-so-pretty faces. We're done talking about this. I won't say it again."

Robert, Colin and Finn exchanged a heavy look.

"How's life with the J.K. Rowling of small-town Connecticut?" Finn asked, changing the subject.

"You're comparing Rory's memoir to  _Harry Potter_?  _That's_ the most apt literary comparison you can come up with? You graduated from Yale, Finn. Be ashamed," Logan said dryly, cracking a smile.

"Well, in my defence, 'graduated from' might be a generous phraseology."

"Touché."

"Does she know where you are?" Robert asked.

"You mean does she know I'm with you idiots? Yes."

"Is she going to kill you when you get back?" Colin asked.

"What kind of conversation even is this?" Logan marvelled, shaking his head.

"Sorry," Robert said.

"But Logan," Colin sighed, "again, I stress that we had to find out about a very significant change in your life from  _Finn_  –"

"Again with the undermining tone with shades of bitter disappointment. I'm going to start thinking you don't love me anymore, buttercup," Finn interjected.

Colin smacked him.

"She wasn't thrilled," Logan said, staring at his friends in bewilderment. "She's doing better with everything, but she's still touchy and sensitive about stuff. But she's forgiven me for still considering you wackos my closest friends."

"We were her friends too, not long ago," Robert rolled his eyes.

"I think she was more amused by you than anything else."

"She liked me, though," Finn said, in a high-pitched tone.

"You were always her favourite, yes."

Finn smiled at himself.

"She was  _our friend too_ , even if we annoyed her. What, now she's too good for us? I hate to say it –but if anything, she's bridged some of the gap between us by getting knocked up and birthing your child. Again, I state that I'm the one who was supposed to have all the illegitimate children here."

"Have them, Robert! No one is stopping you! Hell, you might be halfway there. Who's to say you don't have at least four by now that none of your various conquests bothered to tell you about?" Colin asked encouragingly.

"Do you really think it could happen?" Robert asked.

"I reckon there's a good chance it already has, mate," Finn nodded. "Cheers, to all of Robert's unknown –and therefore even more illegitimate- children!"

"You guys are a piece of work," Logan laughed, taking a long pull on his beer.

"My  _knickers_  aren't the ones in a twist, Finn dear," Colin said. "Logan's are so knotted he can't even play with himself anymore, and he's grumpy about it."

"You do have somewhat of a sour puss these days, darling," Finn said to Logan. "Boys, we need to plan something titillating to reinvigorate our boy's nose for adventure!"

"It has been over a year since the Life and Death Brigade  _officially_ convened…" Robert mused out loud.

"Guys, no," Logan said. "I can't do that stuff anymore."

"What do you mean you can't do it anymore? Life is about more than grumpy-yet-beautiful women and sour nappies, Logan," Finn reasoned.

"Finn is right," Colin said.

"Thank you, sweet pea, for finally admitting that I'm right."

Colin's hand met the back of Finn's head with another slap. "You're welcome."

"I said no, boys. Leave it alone," Logan insisted. Yet even as he said the words, and indeed meant them, he found part of himself longing for the days of gorilla masks, spur of the moment trips to Costa Rica and camping trips with oil lanterns, bungee jumping with umbrellas in hand.

* * *

It had been about a week since Rory's book tour ended. After a few days of embracing her inner couch potato, she found herself feeling restless in a way she hadn't experienced in a long time. She was consumed with the need to  _do something_ with herself –to make up for the directionless mode her life had been stuck in for so long. Problem was, she had no idea where to start.

"Jess, call me back," she sighed, disconnecting the call and bouncing Hannah around on her hip. She tossed her cell on her bed and the bounce it made caused Hannah to laugh. "It's hilarious when he's nowhere to be found, huh? Just wait a few years, baby, you might rethink your stance on that."

"'Nowhere to be found' might be a stretch," Lorelai said softly, stopping as she passed Rory's room when she overheard the comment. "He's busy running an entire business, of which you aren't the only client. Isn't Greg your guy, anyway?"

"I guess –I mean, technically, but…"

"Rory, you just finished a huge thing! Let yourself take a breath."

"I've wasted too much time doing nothing," Rory shook her head, "no, what I need is to keep going."

"Okay, keep going doing what though?"

"I don't know – _something_. Something more than the  _Gazette_ … I spoke to a few industry contacts on the tour that Jess set up and they seem to think I have a future as some kind of book writer. But I don't know anything about that. I don't know what to write about next… that's why I need Jess to –"

"Hun," Lorelai smiled, taking Rory's shoulders, "no one's happier than me to see you passionate about this and all fired up, wanting to do something. But you've barley been home for a week. You need to focus on yourself –and being a mom to this little one."

"I can be Hannah's mom and –"

"Dive head first into writing another book? Not easily. Are you forgetting that you did most of the work on the first one while she was still in your belly? You can't dive head first into huge undertakings the way you used to. You have a lot more to consider when making these decisions."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you can still conquer pretty much anything you choose to tackle, but you're now a mom first –always, that's the gig. You have to think about how what you want to do will affect Hannah and how and if you and Logan can balance the juggle. I'm not telling you to  _not_ want things,  _want_  them, Rory, go after them –I think that's great. But, remember how you were always pretty single-minded in your pursuits, almost to the point of recklessness?"

"Yeah…"

"You can't be single-minded, or reckless anymore, my darling," Lorelai said softly, cradling Hannah's head. "There's more to think about now."

"I know," Rory whispered, kissing her daughter, "but…"

"If you don't even know where to start, don't make Jess' phone go up in smoke. He's not the only one who can help you brainstorm."

"But he's –"

"Not the only one who can challenge you either."

Rory sighed.

"Jess has been more than a little superhuman-like, over the last year or so… going through all this and being there for you while still managing to make good on getting your book out there. I love you and I'm more biased in your favour than anyone in the history of the universe, but you know this all hasn't been easy on him – _you_ haven't made it easy on him, either. You're a smart woman; don't force his goodwill to hit a wall. Give him some room to breathe. Talk to Greg, to Logan. You don't  _need_ Jess –not for this, to get some kind of ball rolling- you want him… there is a difference."

* * *

"What does she want to talk to Jess so badly about anyway?" Luke asked that evening.

"Another book," Lorelai answered, climbing into bed and fitting herself to her husband's side.

"That's fast. About what?"

"She doesn't know. But all those interviewers who told her she had promise as some kind of novelist are sticking in her head. She has no idea what about –but she wants to write another book and she thinks she needs Jess to help her figure out all the details, like, now."

"Well, that's good, right? I mean, not that she's chasing after him like a dog with a bone –but that she's driven, determined, wants to be productive."

"Yeah, it's good. It's amazing –but the extremes she's been wavering on are worrying me."

"Rory's always been frighteningly determined. This is nothing new, Lorelai."

"I know, but –given what her morale was like for an entire year –more- before this? I'm worried that this isn't the upswing everyone thinks it is… it might just be a different angle on the same problem."

"I think you're worrying too much without knowing enough," Luke whispered. "Even if it is, it's better than where she was at only a few months ago, isn't it? And we're all here to help her. It'll be okay, Lorelai."

"She has to be careful. Let Logan  _in_ and not push Jess  _away_."

"I think letting Logan in –however you're talking about- will happen when it happens. They have a child together, she can't keep him at arm's length forever. If she does, he'll end up with more of a relationship with Hannah rather than both of them. As for Jess, I know my nephew and if he doesn't want her to bother him, he'll have no problem stepping far enough back for a while, so that she can't –especially now."

"Is that what he's doing right now?"

"Maybe," Luke said knowingly. "Would you blame him? Guy's gotta stay sane."

"Yeah."

"By loving Hannah as much as he does, this is basically a lifetime ride he's signed up for –and she isn't even his. Unless he makes a point to step back from it all –however that might upset Rory- how else is he supposed to retain a sense of self beyond living under the constant shadow of almost being Hannah's father? He has to remember who he was before all this happened and that there's more to his life than almost being Rory's kid's father –how else is he going to do that, without employing proper distance every now and again?"

"I don't know. I guess he couldn't."

"No. He couldn't. So, don't worry too much about him –or them. Jess will do what he needs to do. Rory will learn that she's got to allow him that."

* * *

"Where are you headed to, anyway?" Greg asked.

"Nowhere. Why do you care so much? Do you want to be my date for the weekend or something? If so, you owe your wife a conversation," Jess winked.

"It's just weird –you taking off, by yourself."

" _Is it_ , though?"

"Unless you're not really going to be alone."

Jess rolled his eyes. "Stop."

"Say hi to her for me," Greg said, testing his theory.

"Who?" Jess sighed. "Are you twelve? I told you –no one's going to be with me… not Ella, not Luke, Matt, Chris, Bry, and  _not_ Audrey. You want to say hi to her, you're going to have to track her down yourself."

"You're impossible."

"You say that like you're expecting me to be any other way…"

"Why are you taking off then, if you don't have plans with anyone?"

"Do I need a reason other than that I feel like it? I'll be back on Monday night, you'll survive, pretty boy. I promise. Maybe that's the point, you ever think of that?"

"Meaning?"

"Maybe I need a break from all the people."

"Hardy har," Greg chuckled.

"I am nothing if not a misanthrope."

"You gonna answer that?"

Jess glanced at his phone. When he saw Rory's number he shook his head. "Nah. She can survive the weekend without me –just like you. It's you she should be talking to anyway."

"What? How could you possibly know that? She's calling  _you_!"

"We just got finished with an impossible success. She's had a rough time of it; she's finally got a taste of something positive and now it's barely been a week and my phone is ringing off the hook. She doesn't look like it, but Rory can be quite the bull in the china shop. She's used to sparring with me –so she thinks I'm the one she needs to talk to. She wants to keep the high –find her next project. She'd  _like_ to talk to  _me_ about that, but she doesn't  _need_ to. When I don't call her back, she  _will_ call you and you  _will_ help her and debrief me on all your ideas when I get back. When I told you that this was your show, I wasn't just referring to Rory's book –I was referring to Rory. We helped her once, so it makes sense that any other publishing ideas she has she runs through us. It's still your show, Greggers. Handle it. I'll help where I can, when you need me to. It's too early to plan anything else right now, but hear her out, be her sounding board. Tell me all about it first thing Tuesday morning."

Jess' phone had stopped ringing. He saw that he had a message, but he ignored it. Just as he swung his backpack onto his shoulder and moved to leave the office, he heard Greg's cellphone ring.

Greg looked down and started to laugh.

"See?" Jess smirked. "Go on, answer her. You know you want to."

"Hey Rory, how are you? –Whoa, slow down, one thing at a time…"

Jess laughed and slapped Greg's shoulder. "You got this. Have a good weekend," he whispered, slipping out of the office while his friend had his hands full trying to get Rory to make sense.

* * *

Jess told Greg he was going nowhere –and nowhere is exactly where he went. When he got home he ordered a pizza and promptly turned his phone off. He spent the weekend holed up in his apartment, eating delivery, reading books and watching TV. By Monday evening he'd read two books and worked his way through most of  _Twin Peaks_. He was tired and his dreams were riddled with a long-haired man named B.O.B., but they were three days well spent. Surprisingly, he only had one voicemail when he turned his phone on when he woke up early Tuesday morning, aside from Rory's slightly panicked message from the Friday before.

"I assume you're hibernating," Ella's voice said knowingly, "so I won't bother you. It's been a few days so I thought I'd say hi. But I know what you're doing and don't you  _dare_ call me back until you feel like it. Good for you –you needed this, I'm surprised it took you this long. Talk soon, Groucho."

"Greggers, it's Jess. Did you survive?"

"Rory's got so many ideas, and not one that I can make work right now…. she wants to know what I think about a sequel."

"To her book? Based on what?"

" _She has no idea_."

"Help her figure it out then. My two cents is that the only sequel she could write would be based on being a mother herself… and she hasn't been wearing the Mommy hat for nearly long enough to produce another book out of it."

"I know, but she's –obsessed. She says she needs to make up for lost time, she doesn't want to lose steam."

"Well, remind her how hard we had to push her to get her to do what she did in the first place, and that two weeks ago she was damn near dead on her feet. Then, she wants to do something next, so help her figure out if whatever's next is anything Truncheon can help with. Her next moves may  _not_ involve us, which is just fine."

"You sound… chipper about that."

"It is what it is," Jess sighed, getting into his car. "We can put her in touch with some contacts who were encouraging during her press junket, but the fact of the matter is, she's not Dickens or Hemingway –there is no secret stack of prize-winning manuscripts she's sitting on. Help her harness a direction, then figure out if that direction has anything to do with our publishing house. It's all we can do. We'll keep a close eye on her numbers and decide next moves accordingly, but it's too early to set anything in motion or in stone. I know that and so do you –you have to make sure  _she_ understands that."

"Yeah," Greg sighed.

"You want waffles?"

"You swinging by Pressed?"

"You know it."

"Yes please! Old Southern. Thanks."

"No problem. I'll be in soon."

* * *

"Hey," Rory smiled. "How are the boys?"

"Stunned. Amazed. Finn's proud that he's your favourite," Logan laughed. "They're surprisingly not mad though, and not wanting much backstory."

"They have more backstory than anyone… if they wanted more I'd be telling them where to stick it."

"Ace –they want to meet her. They want to see you. There won't be any funny business beyond what's typical for them, I swear…"

"Logan, I'm just getting myself back after… I'm not saying no, but I'm not ready for all of them yet."

"They figured you wouldn't be," Logan sighed, trying not to roll his eyes, "can't say I'm surprised either."

"Soon, I promise," Rory said softly. "So… what would you say if I told you I was thinking about writing another book?"

Logan was taken aback. "That fast, huh? About what?"

"I don't know yet, exactly. But this has all stirred stuff up in me –I don't know, I miss having that kind of focus. I really, really want to write another book soon though. What do you think?"

"I think... you definitely  _can_ , and if you want to, you will. But –Ace, don't you think there's stuff we need to do –talk about, figure out… before you plan your next best-seller?"

"Like what?" Rory asked.

"Like, there's only so much I can do at the  _Stamford Eagle Gazette_. I basically ran out of things to do there about six months ago. I need more. I need something else. Mitchum is across the pond and I'm not a kid anymore –he can't put up impassable barriers the way he used to, but he can make it hard –and he has. Whatever my next move is, it has to be soon and it has to be calculated."

"Okay."

"And –Rory…"

"Logan…"

"What are we doing? Who am I to you? What is this? You were all over me with those questions when you were pregnant and you made sure I knew it was hell that I didn't have any answers for you. Now we're here, Hannah's here, she's mine, I love her and I'm not going away. You don't seem upset that I'm not going away, which is good, but what are we doing? At first –I understood, but now –am I just Hannah's father? Do you not believe me when I say I love you? Do you want me to be nothing more than your baby's father? Are you even interested in finding our way back to an 'us' of some kind? Whatever that means anymore… I barely get to touch you, literally and figuratively, and whenever I sneak in a kiss or grab a hold of your hand I never know if you're going to let me, or slap me. And you hardly  _ever_ reach for me. We don't even live together. I'm just a slightly less awkward presence in your mom and Luke's house now than I was before Hannah was born. So, what are we doing, Ace? What do you want? Do you even know –do you even want to try and figure it out?"

"That's a lot of questions, Logan," Rory said quietly, her cheeks growing hot.

"I know," Logan sighed.

"Hard ones."

"True –but,  _that_ hard? Rome wasn't built in a day, I know this, but I have a right to –"

"I know you do. Yes, you do, every right. But I don't know if I have all the answers right now –any of them, even."

"I never said you did –but you have to start to think about it, and we have to start talking about all those things. Kinda now, too."

"We will."

"I'm not saying don't start plotting your next book if that's what you want. I'll help you –but, what to do about us, what we're doing togther and my situation with work… that has to be more important, Rory."

"I know."

"Because what we do –whatever we decide about the second set of things will inform how I handle the first thing."


	46. Chapter 46

"Hey, is everything okay?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay… what's up?"

"You wanna get a drink, Jess? Because I… I need a drink."

"I've told you before –you're really not my type."

"I'm buying."

"Well then, be still my heart, you dreamy Huntzberger fella! Just don't give me any lectures about consulting my Hemingway this time. I know my Hemingway like you know the quality of sterling in your silver spoons."

"Ouch. Also, when did I lecture you on Hemingway?"

"Wow, you really were drunk that night…"

"What?"

"Nothing. Where's Rory? Isn't Daddy duty like a twenty-four seven kinda deal?"

"I'm not seeing her till tomorrow. She's in therapy tonight."

"Makes sense… Rory gets shrinked and the boys –we drink! I'll cheers to that."

Logan chuckled.

"Never tell her I said that," Jess sighed.

"As long as you don't tell her I laughed at your entirely inappropriate joke, that amazingly crude one-liner will die with me."

* * *

"I told you I'd meet you at the –Logan, what the hell did you do, buy an entire brewery?" Jess asked when he opened the door.

"I figured this was easier. I'm not sure what we're going to end up talking about should be done in public," Logan shrugged.

"How'd you even get here?"

"Car service."

Jess rolled his eyes. "You'd better have them on call, blondie, because you are  _not_ sleeping here. Or puking here, for that matter."

"Yes ma'am," Logan said sarcastically. "Can I come in now?"

"Sorry. Yeah. Should we order some food to sop up all that alcohol?"

"Sure."

Jess fished a pizza delivery menu out of his desk drawer and handed it to Logan. "Pick your pleasure."

"Pick your poison," Logan responded, taking the menu and nodding to the cases of beer he'd set down.

"Jesus, you really did buy out a brewery. There's half a dozen different kinds of beer here!"

"I figured more choice was better than less. You can keep it. Use the majority of it to replenish your stock if you want."

"My how the other half live," Jess muttered, shaking his head and making a selection from the options. "So," he said, sitting down on the couch, "why the sudden need to turn my apartment into a fully functioning liquor store?"

Logan shrugged again. "Unlikely allies, right?" he plopped down next to Jess and put his iPhone out on the coffee table, activating the screen absent-mindedly to check the time.

Jess was caught off-guard by the image on Logan's locked screen –Rory lying on her back in her bed, asleep with one hand draped across Hannah, nestled to her bosom and also asleep. If he closed his eyes, Jess could picture Hannah rising and falling rhythmically with Rory's breathing, keeping her lulled in slumber. "You must've been pretty sneaky to capture that moment," he said quietly, blinking hard.

"Oh –yeah… don't tell her."

"I wouldn't dare. It's a great picture. A fleeting moment of peacefulness."

"Yeah," Logan whispered.

"I'm assuming that's somewhat of a rarity still."

"Very rare."

"Sorry, man. How are things? The things I don't see, I mean. I'm assuming that's why you needed to drink, and why you needed to drink with  _me_. All that stuff a few months ago, about –about taking Hannah away, you don't –do you need –?" Jess asked haltingly.

"No," Logan assured him. "I don't think it'll come to that. She's doing a lot better. Not fantastic, but since the book tour –things are headed in the right direction –I think."

"Good. That's good."

"She's still so distant though –standoffish. I can't get a read on her."

"What do you need a read on her for, exactly?"

"Last week I –I asked her pointedly about us. Who I was to her –if anything. If she had any interest in trying to find our way back to –I don't know. I guess I'm starting to need to know whether I'm just the baby daddy, or if she cares about trying to be a family. She was so mad at me about Odette during her pregnancy –rightfully so. I didn't have the answers she needed for a long time. Now we have Hannah and she's doing the same thing to me."

"Odette, the ex-fiancé?"

Logan nodded.

"Am I Odette in this imaginary scenario where the shoe is on the other foot? If so, pick another scenario."

"No –I didn't mean to imply that you two are –no. But just –she's doing what I did, with the squirreliness and now –"

"Now you know how shitty it feels."

"Yeah, that, and… we  _have_ Hannah. She's here, in the world. I love Rory and I'm trying to do the right thing. At first, I understood why we were at arm's length with each other. But the longer it goes on the less sense it seems to make. I don't know if you being in the mix has something to do with it, or –"

"You think she's secretly pining for me or something?" Jess asked sarcastically.

"Maybe? I don't know."

Jess chuckled under his breath and took a long pull on his beer.

"You find this possibility amusing, do you?" Logan asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"A little, yeah. Old habits –our timing always sucked. And it seems like whenever Rory's bored or dissatisfied, she looks to me to shake up the mix. I never thought that fifteen years later we'd be locked in the same dance."

"You can't find it  _that_ absurd. You can't sit there all high and mighty and chuckle at me like you have no idea what I'm talking about."

"Why? Because I slept with her?"

Logan held Jess' gaze. "You've made it quite clear that you don't regret it."

"Do  _you_  regret it, Mr. Moral High Ground Guy? You with your fiancé in the background for God knows how long?" Jess challenged him.

Logan sighed. He wanted to have something to say, but he could think of nothing, so he sucked down his entire beer instead.

Jess watched with raised eyebrows as Logan set down the empty bottle and got up to get another. "I don't need to justify myself to anyone besides myself, Logan. I especially don't need to justify myself to  _you_  –got it? If Rory's hung up on me –which I hardly think accounts for the magnitude of the issues you're trying to deal with- then that's her deal, not mine. Take it up with her. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're a long way away from a picket fence, Huntzberger. Don't try and pin that on me, got it?"

Their tense exchange was interrupted when the pizza arrived. Jess paid, went to the kitchen to grab napkins and tossed the box forcefully onto the coffee table. It landed with a loud thud. "Bon appetit," he said tersely.

"Jess, I didn't mean…" Logan started to say.

"What exactly do you want from me, Logan?"

"I don't know –I…"

"Rory's always going to be in my orbit; I'll always be in hers –that would be just as true even if we didn't sleep together. I can't do anything to change that. No, Logan, I don't regret sleeping with her. I'm sorry –I don't. What I do begrudge is being stupid enough to think that it could give me some kind of closure."

"Closure on what?" Logan asked.

"Everything that could've been that never was, because I was too screwed up and then she was too screwed up and then me and then her and on and on and on. You can't achieve closure by having sex, I know that. And yet, I let myself believe it was possible. That – _that's_ what I grit my teeth over. So, I don't know why you're looking at me like I have the key to  _your_  happiness, Logan. The Rory you know and the Rory I know are two different people. You've had a longer and wildly more successful relationship with her than I ever have –romantically speaking. So yeah, the fact that you're subtly prodding me for answers to your problems is kinda funny to me."

"But it seems like you know her better sometimes…"

"Not better –differently. I love her –I always will- but I'm not  _in_ love with her. I can't speak for her and good luck with  _that_ conversation –but I'm not interested in stepping on your toes. If you hurt her or Hannah at any point in their lives I'll beat you until you're black and blue, but I'm not about to challenge you to a duel for Rory's heart."

"I kind of wish you were –that you would, honestly. That would be so much easier," Logan sighed.

"Sorry to disappoint you."

"No you're not."

"You're right –I'm really not."

"I guess I just thought things would start turning around by now –at least a little."

"They are," Jess said, "just not the way you want."

"I may look like I have my shit together –especially if you compare me to Rory- but I really don't. I'm this together because I have to be, not because I actually know what the hell I'm doing. I'm so busy cushioning Rory – _still_ \- and she can't even see that I need to be cushioned too."

"I don't suppose you've tried telling her that, have you?"

"I have –are you delusional enough to believe that any attempts at that conversation have gone anywhere –let alone  _well_?"

Jess sighed.

"I envy you, sometimes, still."

"What? Why?"

"Because you can disengage from it. I love a supremely screwed up woman, who gave birth to my child and refuses let me in. I wish I could just tell her I didn't care, work out an arrangement when it comes to Hannah and leave her to her business –so that I could try to get my life back. But I can't."

"Love's a bitch, ain't it?"

"You should consider yourself lucky. This whole thing –it doesn't have to define your whole life. You're not stuck in a losing game of tug of war for your entire life."

"Okay –one, you don't know that it'll be a losing game for your  _entire life_  and two –two, you have no idea how hard it is for me sometimes, to remember that there's more to me and my life than not being  _your_ daughter's father," Jess said, his voice rising. "You're stuck on Rory –I'm being suckered in by her  _child_. You have no idea how hard it is for me. You have something to fight for at least –I'm the one who  _should_  be able to walk away."

"Sometimes I wonder what it would've been like, if Rory and I never crossed paths again after Yale…"

"You'd be making money, hand over fist. You'd be everyone's golden boy with a trophy wife at home. If you weren't cheating on her with Rory, you'd eventually cheat on her with someone else, if for no other reason than boredom."

Logan laughed and made himself a promise never to tell Jess how close he was to the full truth. "I'm sorry this has been so complicated for you, between Rory and Hannah and then Rory's book. It must all be a bit much."

"A bit? No need to be modest. I won't lie –it can be hell. It'll keep having the potential to be hell. I may not be Hannah's dad, but this is a lifetime gig for me too. The worst part is that I  _could_ walk away and I know that'd be easier –but I also know I'm never going to."

"You're a better man than me, Jess."

"You're probably right," Jess smirked.

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"Jess, I'm trying to be sincere here. Can you shut up long enough to let me?"

"Sorry. Continue."

"If you'd been Hannah's father –it wouldn't have made me not want to fight to be with Rory, but- I know you would've done the right thing and tried to make a proper family with her, if for no other reason than to give Hannah the stability she deserves. Regardless of being in love with Rory, after a certain point –if fighting to be with her got me nowhere, I don't know when, but I'd eventually bow out. I'd exit stage left and leave her and Hannah to their lives with you. I'd be nursing a broken heart for a  _very_ long time, but even my love for Hannah wouldn't be enough to… it'd be too hard to be around her. I don't know how you're doing this, honestly," Logan admitted. "You have a strength that I like to believe I have, but –I know I don't. As it is, I don't know how long I can keep –if Rory won't let me in, I…"

Jess picked up Logan's phone, activated the screen and held it up to Logan's face. "Look at them. You can't tell me that if you weren't Hannah's father, you would love them, but not enough to fight. If that DNA test is the only thing giving you the strength to fight then just walk away. Family isn't just biology, Logan. Rory is infuriating, but I know for a fact that you are too. No need to paint the scenario that isn't reality."

"I don't know how long I can let Rory keep stonewalling me."

"Well, you have two choices –you either let her keep stonewalling you until she maybe decides not to one day or you can ride the wave, figure out your limit, and when you're about to hit it –you  _make_  her talk to you. You're not going to walk away, are you?"

"No. But she's not the same. I don't know if she'll ever –"

"She's the mother of your child. You've acknowledged that. So, if you don't know if you have the stones,  _find them_."

"Easy for you to say."

"No it's not. Fuck you. I know you're tired. I know you wish Rory would meet you half way –or even a quarter of the way. But I also know you're too much of a dick to give up. So stop it. It's bad enough that I have to give Rory these pep talks, but you? Even a man with my fortitude has his limits. You're too used to getting your way all the time without having to fight, that's the problem."

"She's a ghost," Logan said softly.

"I know," Jess responded. "But she's more solid now than she was a few months ago. You have to ride the wave, Logan. Fight for the life that was given to you –by pure luck of the draw- rather than me. There's lots of obstacles, sure… but I'm not one of them. Stop trying to give me something that was never mine."

"Do you ever wish it could be yours?"

"What did I  _just_ fucking tell you?"

"No, I don't mean that in a 'Please take it off my hands,' kind of way, I mean…"

"In a different reality, maybe. Everyone looks at me like I have no life, like I can't bear it –like I won't be able to bear it  _for the rest of my life_. Rory said as much the day she told me… and now you're doing it too. Who's to say I won't maybe have this one day? Jesus. Everyone needs to stop looking at me like I'm a lame animal who needs to be euthanized. I love Rory and I love your daughter –they'll always be part of my life. But that doesn't mean that my  _only_  chance to have a family of my own, should I want one, came and went when I found out Hannah doesn't belong to me."

"People have been doing that a lot, huh?"

"It's mostly implied, but yeah.  _That's_  enough to make me regret sleeping with Rory that day, more than the act itself or the choices I've made along the way."

"Sorry."

"You have enough problems, dude; feel free not to worry about me. I'm not exactly glass half full just yet, but I'm not sure I ever was, to be honest."

"That silver spoon you mentioned earlier… it's not as shiny as you think it is," Logan admitted. "You don't need a shortlist of my family drama, but if you think I'm a dick… you should meet my dad."

"No thank you," Jess chuckled.

"Anyway, as you can imagine, my dad had some choice words for me when I told him Rory and I had had a baby."

"I'd rather not think of specifics, but I imagine it was… colourful."

"He basically disowned me. Which really should bother me more than it does, but I was pretty entrenched in the family business when all of this started happening. I took that job in Stamford to be closer to Rory, but on top of it being one of my dad's ventures, I basically have run out of things to do there. And I'm not struggling –I mean, I can still provide for Rory and Hannah, but finding another job is –my father's disowned me, but he has no problem continuing to make my life difficult, including any future work I search for, and my mom is  _not_ one to rock the family boat.

"None of this would bother me so much if I could at least have a few decent conversations with Rory about what the fuck she thinks we're doing _._  If she wants me, what she wants  _from_ me. If I was faring better with her, the job thing might not bother me so much, but I need  _something_ to occupy me from… either a better personal life to distract me from having no work prospects, or freedom to search out solid work –wherever that might be- to distract me from the fact that my daughter's mother might want nothing to do with me."

"I doubt she wants  _nothing_ to do with you."

"I know," Logan sighed, tossing his half-eaten crust into the empty pizza box _._ "I didn't mean it like that, it's just –"

"Is she really  _that_ hard to read? You can't get a beat on her at all?"

"When it comes to the subject of me and whether she thinks a future for us is even worth contemplating or attempting to fight for, or if she'd rather laugh me out of the room? Most of the time I have no idea. She's usually not this hard to decipher, but if this unexpected motherhood thing has done anything… she's now a master at walling herself off."

Jess chuckled under his breath. "It sounds like she's taken a page out of my book –pretty well verbatim, minus the having a child part- circa 2002-2003," he said quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"I may know her well, but like I said when you first got here, the Rory you know and the Rory I know are very different women. And if you really need help figuring out how much she loves you or doesn't love you –I'm really not your man. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that Rory and I don't have a strong connection –we do, we always have and I really have no idea where it came from. Do you remember years ago when she told you that we dated?"

Logan nodded.

"All I'll say is that I wasn't the best boyfriend," Jess paused to throw his dirty napkin in the empty pizza box, open another beer and take a long pull on it before he continued, "she was no angel either, but I –our timing was never right and that's all I care to say. You know a side of her –like,  _really_  know a side of her- that I only got a glimpse at. Same could be said of her about me –I'm a completely different man than the seventeen-year-old punk who was shipped off to Stars Hollow, or even the twenty-one-year-old you met all those years ago. We know each other, Logan, better than most –but we're different people now than we used to be. I will always love her, but I… I haven't loved her the way you do for a very long time. I can't tell you why she's doing what she's doing. All I can tell you is I don't know what's going on in her head –not about this anyway. If you wanna know if she's secretly in love with me, you should just ask her, as many times as it takes for you to feel like she's telling you the truth."

Jess breathed a heavy sigh before continuing. "All this hasn't been easy on me –it still isn't, it's still a day by day thing, even like, eight months later- but I can promise you that she hasn't been standoffish with you because we're having some torrid love affair. She isn't freezing you out to spend day after day driving to Brooklyn to profess her undying love for me. So, if she  _is_ carrying a torch for me, I can honestly say I've had not even the  _slightest_ indication that such a circumstance is possible, let alone probable. I don't know if that's comforting or even more upsetting –that you can't blame her behaviour on me, either directly or indirectly. Thus, you are still left between a rock and a hard place –an impasse- when it comes to what you should do."

"Being at an impasse though I may, knowing she hasn't professed true love to you day after day oddly makes me feel better," Logan admitted. "No offence."

"None taken. You say that like –if she  _were_  to do that- like you expect me to automatically profess my undying love in return, like you expect us to run away together," Jess said teasingly.

"If you ran off with Rory  _and_ my daughter, it'd be  _me_ who would beat  _you_ until you were black and blue."

"Spoken like a man who's truly love-struck, and a true father to boot. I'm going to remind you of this little exchange when you eventually fuck something up."

"What makes you think I'm going to fuck anything up?"

"Because fathers –and men in love, particularly those in love with difficult women, as we both know Rory can be- always fuck things up eventually. Not just once or twice, either. Love is  _always_  a recipe for disaster, even if it's perfect. The key is whether you can work through the disaster or if you let it kill you. Love that truly  _isn't_ a recipe for a few disasters over the course of a lifetime? –that kind of love is the exception to the rule."

"The proverbial 'they' has always said that the ones you love are the ones you hurt the most," Logan said quietly.

"Sometimes, they're even right.  _Especially_ when it comes to love and pain," Jess said softly, slowly, taking another swig of his beer and squinting with one eye to peer into the nearly empty bottle.

"Do you love her?" Logan whispered.

Jess looked at Logan. "Yeah," he sighed, "but not the way you do. I told you, I'm not looking to step on your toes, man. I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed."

"Pretty sure?"

"Oh, not with this again –look, that was a lifetime ago, okay? I say 'pretty sure' only because I don't have a crystal ball. It seems almost entirely unlikely, but then again… weirder shit has happened."

"It has?"

"She had your baby, didn't she?"

"True."

"You left your comfortable life in London for one hell of an unsure future. No offence, but you will –at some point, possibly several- embrace your inner Porsche driving dick and leave her in some kind of lurch, unfortunately for me. I made a choice –when she told me she was pregnant- I made a choice. You made a choice too, but in view of how everything turned out, your choice makes sense –mine could be chalked up to pure insanity. I'm not trying to take your place, God knows I don't want to –but I can't walk away any more than you can. I'm not interested in taking your place, but when the day comes that you try to rebel, Rory will want me to. I told her I wasn't interested in being a replacement father, but that doesn't mean she won't try to make me become one, regardless."

"I won't –"

"Yes you will. You just told me that you can't have an honest conversation with Rory for the life of you and work is drying up like a lone pond in a desert wasteland. You will. I'd like to think you're too much of a –God help me- good man to actually stay gone, but you will hit a wall and when you do, you'll want out, the way a feral dog wants out of a cage. The key is how far you run and –like I said- if you stay gone. But whatever you do, try and last until after Hannah's first birthday before you get antsy –if you pull a fast one before that, I'm not sure I could survive."

Logan sighed. He wished he could've told Jess he was wrong, but sadly, he probably wasn't. He knew he'd never totally desert his family though, not the way Rory's dad seemed to be able to do so easily. "You say all this like you won't –"

"I'll want to, I'll wish I could –but, no. Just like I won't be Hannah's replacement father while you're off curing your inner wild child God knows how many times –I'm not going anywhere. I wish that weren't true, but sadly, it is. And she's not even my kid. Rory's not even my –whatever Rory is to you. Did you know I hadn't seen her in over four years before last summer? No –I don't want your life- but I'm not going anywhere."

"Why not? You have no obligation to Rory or Hannah."

"I know. That's the rub."

"Then why –?"

"I made a choice," Jess said evenly.

"It's that simple, is it?"

"As you've seen, it's anything but simple. But yeah –that's what it is. Maybe if Hannah was an unsightly child, I'd have fewer scruples about washing my hands of her, but she's pretty adorable, so I'm screwed. And Rory –like I said, we've always been in one another's orbits, and this seals it, I guess. Not getting away from girls named Gilmore –it's in my blood."

"Luke?"

Jess nodded. "I watched him pine after Lorelai for so long. I thought it was pathetic and weak and stupid and –painful. Not poetically painful either –like, first half an hour of  _Saving Private Ryan_  painful, can-I-please-just-put-him-out-of-his-misery painful. That's no way to live. Sure, it worked out in the end –but the man spent almost his entire adult life, pining after  _one woman_ , watching her have relationships; twisting the knife in his own gut; trying to have his own relationships and failing miserably at it. They were living together for a fucking decade before they finally got married and they still kept secrets… even after all that time, there's enough dysfunction to rival the harmony. Lorelai's great and I'm happy for Luke, I owe him everything –but regardless, I just have thought way too often over the course of watching their whole will-they-won't-they saga that –that's no way to live. I watched Luke shrink every time he kept his mouth shut and watched her be happy with someone else, I watched him get smaller every time his relationship with Lorelai hit a stumbling block. I don't think he knows who he is without loving her and that –as much as I love my uncle- that's  _sad_.

"Rory and I are always going to be connected somehow. I just never thought that her getting pregnant would dictate what that looked like. I wish it wasn't so extreme, so harsh, so painful, so confusing. But it is what it is. So, yeah, Logan, I love her, but I'm not about to try and take your place. I mean, none of us know what the future holds, but I learned from my uncle's mistakes. Learning from his mistakes implies that I'd rather not  _make_ them myself."

"Not wanting to make his mistakes doesn't mean you  _won't_  though…"

"Are you  _trying_ to play cupid with me and Rory? What the hell's the matter with you?"

"I'm not! I just meant –"

"I told you, I don't have a crystal ball. Nor do I particularly want your life."

"Okay, but you can fault me for seeing a certain amount of similarity between –"

"I. Don't. Have. A crystal. Ball. I. Don't want. Your life. I love your daughter, but she's not mine, she's yours. I can love Hannah perfectly well without having her DNA, as is evidenced by all the  _not_ running away I've been doing. I took some space when I found out I wasn't –to get my head on straight because I'm  _human_. But I love that baby,  _without_ playing the 'What if…?' game and there's nothing wrong with that; someone's gotta be her safe haven when you and Rory are busy scratching each other's eyes out, she's gotta have someone to run to when you two are driving her nuts and she is old enough to actually  _run_ away –take it not only from a man who used to be a kid who ran, but also from a guy who's watched you and Rory fight.

"As for Rory, yeah I love her, I am not  _in_ love with her.  _You_ are. Has her paranoia, her post-partum and her slightly unhinged whatever else rubbed off on you? Good God! Even if this looks like the exact same thing Luke went through, it's not. I don't want to be that guy. I promise you, I don't want your life, dude."

"I'm sorry," Logan said. "Really, I never meant to be so –I was outta line."

"You don't need to apologize to me, dickhead. You have enough problems. You don't need to give yourself more by pissing me off. Deal with your own shit. Leave my shit alone."

Logan laughed. "I don't even know if the life you say is mine  _is_ actually mine. Rory might have other ideas, for all I know."

"Well, I guess you'll just have to put in some work to figure it out."

"I'm glad you're around, though," Logan admitted. "It weird, but it's like we're not a full family without you."

"You're just trying to make the best out of the fact that I said I wasn't going anywhere."

"Maybe a little. But it's also true. Hannah's pretty lucky. She might be luckier to have you than she is to have me."

"You're probably right. We'll ask her in a few years to confirm," Jess winked.

"Do you regret it? Making the choices you did that put you here –choosing the choices that won't let you walk away?"

"My frustration level changes daily, and you should ask me this again after you have a freak out and I have to keep Rory at bay –but generally? No. But don't sell yourself short, Logan."

"Was that a –a compliment?"

"Don't get used to it."

Logan sighed.

"Rory will listen if you make her," Jess offered.

"Are you  _helping_ me?"

"In the sense that I just told you that I don't want your life and I don't want to be left with the mess of you taking a brief detour from said life by running to the hills any time soon? Yes. I'm helping you. I'm not going to draw a diagram or be your interpreter. In fact, I don't want anywhere near this. And fuck if I know how she'll react –but Rory will listen, if you make her. Tread lightly though, because with the extremes she's been vacillating between, if you do this wrong she might hit you upside the head with one of Luke's frying pans."

" _There's_ the cuddly Jess I know…"

"And I will  _not_  help her hide your body. She's treading on thin ice with me as it is and I  _definitely_  don't like you enough to give a shit who trips over your corpse. I'll get Hannah out of harm's way, but that's it man. The maggots can have you."

Logan burst out laughing. "My friends would like you."

"I'm pretty sure I would hate them. You haven't told those stooges about me, have you?"

"No."

"Don't. Ever. I'm not kidding. I can barely handle being 'friends' with  _you_. I'll kill your spoiled, kamikaze, brat friends without blinking. I won't even need a reason."

"Good God, so violent."

"You sound so surprised," Jess deadpanned.

They were silent for a while after that.

"Do you ever wish you could take it back?" Logan asked suddenly, speaking softly into the quiet.

"Do you?" Jess responded.

"I asked you first."

"I don't know. I can't change what's already done. If you're asking if I could go back to that day and make a different choice, knowing what all the consequences were going to be… I –maybe, yeah. But, I begrudge a lot of things and the only thing I can't fault is Hannah. It's not her fault that –and my choice, the one that's so wonderfully unsimple, means I get to be part of all that, I get to be part of her life in a way that I wouldn't be if this weren't my 'problem'. The choice I made –I'm not sure how much of a choice it really was. If I wasn't part of this, I'd have very little problem being comparatively uninvolved, seeing Rory and her kid a handful of times a year. But I know Hannah, I love her. I was involved with Rory's pregnancy and that's why I got to love this beautiful, tiny, human who's not even done anything wrong yet. This has all been very insane, but I hadn't given much thought to having kids before –and now, now I think, if that  _is_  in the cards for me one day, it could be pretty awesome. I wouldn't take that part back."

"Like I said –you're a better man than me. I'm not sure my answer would be so poetic in spite of her not being my kid."

"What about you?"

"I," Logan sighed, "this isn't the way this was supposed to happen. I wish I'd made different choices. Better choices. I'm pretty sure Rory's the Great Love, which makes me wish I'd had the stones to upset the dynastic plan and be with her the right way, rather than relegate her to being my woman on the side. She might've been half crazy with all those pregnancy hormones, but there was a point buried under her madness, in riding me so hard about how I felt about her. I don't regret that it happened. And I am going to fight for her. But it shouldn't have happened this way. I shouldn't have to be fighting for her like this. If we'd done things right, if she hadn't gone along with being the other woman –"

"Yeah, that was dumb. She never should've done that. Sorry man, but –"

"Totally fair. But the fucked up thing is, if she had –done what you expected, I mean- I'm not sure I would've fought all that hard to make a future with her."

"Geez, you look down your nose even at the worthwhile things, huh?"

"Not anymore," Logan assured him, sighing again. "Sad thing is, it had a better chance of working out if I'd done things right the first time –deigned to piss off my father and just break Odette's heart quick and dirty."

"You're probably right."

"Hey! Fuck you!"

"That wasn't me trying to be an asshole; that was me genuinely agreeing with your aforementioned statement. You've got an uphill battle, man. But you  _do_ have more to fight for this way."

"Yeah, I guess I do," Logan sighed, his face betraying the slightest hint of a hopeful smile.

"Just… pick your moment carefully. There's more than one way that this ends with you getting a frying pan to the head and then –maggots."

"If I didn't know any better I'd think you actually genuinely care about me, Jess. Like we're not air quote friends, but inching close to  _actual_ friends."

"You're dumb, for a man who graduated from Yale."

"You haven't met my friends."

"Oh, you mean your spoiled man-baby friends? I fall back on an earlier statement:  _no thank you_. Also, this has nothing to do with me  _genuinely_ caring about you so much as it illustrates my intense desire to  _not have your life_. I  _genuinely_ don't want to have to be saddled with keeping Rory sane and off any number of various psychological cliffs because you had shit timing when you started the countdown clock on your romantic ultimatum. Don't rob Hannah of the opportunity to hold the occasional independent belief that her dad is a dick. And for that to happen, you have to be alive for at least another twelve to fifteen years."

"So… have good timing for the sake of my daughter because she deserves to be a typical bitchy, hormonal pre-teen slash teen who thinks her dad is a dick. That's what you're saying?"

"Every kid deserves to believe that their dad's a dick and their mom's a bitch. It's a rite of passage."

"So, for the sake of my daughter and her right to have shitty thoughts about me…"

"Pick your moment carefully," Jess nodded with a smirk. "Also, think of it in the view of giving you and Rory the best shot at whatever the fuck qualifies as bliss for you two, obviously. But mostly, yeah –think of your daughter! Don't rob her of her chance to share with you her scathing opinions of you! Don't do it man! I know you're a dick, but don't be a  _cruel_ dick!"

"On that note," Logan chuckled, standing up and texting his driver, "I'd better get going. Thanks for indulging my need to drink and bemoan my current state of affairs. My car will be here soon."

Jess couldn't help but roll his eyes when he remembered that said 'car' was not an Uber. "Thanks for bringing an entire fucking brewery."

"Keep it."

"I can't keep  _all of it_. You brought  _a lot_  of beer. Even if I drank on a regular basis, this –I'd die of alcohol poisoning!"

"Fine, keep the case we opened, then."

"Sure. Thanks."

"G'night, Jess."

* * *

Jess started getting ready for bed as soon as Logan left. It wasn't super late, but the conversation with Logan left him feeling suddenly tired. As he washed up in the bathroom, he wound up staring at his reflection as he dried his face after brushing his teeth. For the first time since all of this began – _especially_ since finding out Hannah didn't belong to him- Jess got the distinct impression that Logan's situation was far more unenviable than his own. Logan had more to contend with, the stakes were higher and the uncertainty he faced now was far worse than any uncertainty either of them faced regarding paternity.

For the first time, Jess was sure, deep down in his gut, he  _knew_ that by  _not_ being Hannah's father, he'd managed to dodge a bullet. This, of course, was not the only bullet flying around in the field of play, but it  _was_ uniquely capable of wreaking a special kind of catastrophe –and Jess, by coming out the loser of the paternity lottery, had managed to disrupt its trajectory for long enough to get out of the line of fire.


	47. Chapter 47

" _Hope you're thinking up superlatives," Logan grinned, looking back at Rory as they walked toward a huge, manmade platform that was at least thirty feet high._ _  
_ __  
"What are they going to do?" Rory asked, struggling to keep up with him while not tripping on the gown he'd given her.

" _What do you think they're going to do?"_

" _They're not going to jump…"_

_"_ _Jump!"_

" _That's like, seven stories! They'll die!"_

" _We're all going to die one day," Logan reasoned._

" _But those four are today," Rory said, wide-eyed._

" _Six."_

" _I see four."_

" _I'm heading up."_

" _Of course you are," Rory sighed._

" _And Finn was supposed to do it, but few of us figured he'd make it this far, so there's an extra space."_

" _Hmm," Rory said, scribbling on her notepad. When she looked up, she saw that Logan was looking at her with a goofy, provoking smile. "No!"_

" _And we're not going to die. No one in the Life and Death Brigade has ever died," Logan assured her. He thought for a moment. "Old ones have," he clarified._

" _I am not going to jump!"_

" _We're all set," someone interjected._

" _This is Seth," Logan said. "He's the genius behind all this."_

" _It's very safe," Seth promised. "We did a dozen successful test drops; every potato came through without a scratch."_

" _Potato?" Rory repeated in a high voice. This guy couldn't possibly be serious._

" _You can't test using people, that'd be dangerous!" Logan said to Rory, rolling his eyes as if she should know this already._

" _Look, thanks for the offer, but I'm here as a journalist. An observer. Journalists do not participate."_

" _Since when?" Logan challenged her._

" _Since forever," Rory answered._

" _George Plimpton never participated?"_

_"_ _What?"_

" _His best stuff put him in the think of it. Fighting Sugar Ray Robinson, quarterbacking for the Lions, skating for the Bruins."_

" _So, he participated."_

" _Bill Buford lived with soccer hooligans in amongst the thugs. Ernie Pyle was so deep in the action in World War II, he was killed by a Japanese sniper, not that you gotta go that far."_

_"_ _Buford, Pyle. I know."_ _  
_

_"_ _Richard Hottelet was four months in a Nazi prison working for the U.P. Hunter Thompson lived with the Hell's Angels. Got in the muck, didn't just orbit around it, and it drove his writing. He put you in those biker's parties. He put you in those biker's heads."_ _  
_

_"_ _All right, all right, so, those guys participated. I got it, but I –"_ _  
_

_"_ _Jumpers to their places, please!" the emcee of the day announced._ _  
_

_"_ _You're scared," Logan said with a small smile._ _  
_

_"_ _Well, yeah!" Rory answered, swallowing a lump in her throat._

" _And that stops the greats?"_

_"_ _It's stopping this great!"_ _  
_

_"_ _Come on, you look like you need a little adventure."_ _  
_

_"_ _What does that mean?"_ _  
_

_"_ _You're just a little sheltered."_ _  
_

_"_ _Why? Because I haven't spent time in a Nazi prison, been stomped on by hooligans and beat up by Hell's Angels? And Plimpton got banged up pretty good too."_

" _It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill. Something stupid, something bad for you. Just something different."_

_Rory smiled at him, so he kept painting the picture._

_"Isn't this the point of being young? It's your choice, Ace. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived."_ _  
_

_Rory was spellbound. In the back of her mind she was still worried this stunt might actually kill her, but Logan had weaved a tale with such a poetic justification that she couldn't exactly tell him he was wrong. She took a deep breath and stared into his eyes. "_ _Let's go."_ _  
_

_"_ _Let's go!"_ _  
_

_"_ _But I am not a fan of ladders," Rory said as she approached the scaffold._ _  
_

_"_ _They scare the crap out of me, too," Logan said, following her up, up, up._ _  
_

_"_ _High," Rory said when she got to the top, releasing a shaky breath as she looked over the edge. "We are very high."_ _  
_

_"_ _I've been higher," Logan quipped._ _  
_

_"_ _I meant distance from the ground."_ _  
_

_"_ _That, too."_ _  
_

_"_ _This is totally safe," Seth said, wrapping a band connected to a bungee line around Rory's waist. "And it goes with your outfit. Nice."_ _  
_

_"_ _Why do they look so worried?" Rory asked Logan wearily, looking down at a sea of furrowed brows._ _  
_

_"_ _We're low on champagne," Logan said nonchalantly. He leaned in close to Rory, his sarcasm gone. "You can back out, you know. No one's forcing you."_ _  
_

_"_ _I know," she replied, grabbing an umbrella and bracing herself._

_The emcee called up something in Latin to the six of them standing on the ledge. Rory probably would've known what he said if she'd been listening. But she just stared down and let the world fall away.  
_

_"_ _You trust me?" Logan asked her._ _  
_

_"_ _You jump, I jump, Jack," she answered._ _  
_

_The crowd chanted below them, raising their champagne flutes in salute. "_ _In Omnia Paratus!"_ _  
_

_"_ _I really should have confirmed that those potatoes were okay," Logan said breathlessly, taking Rory's hand firmly in his as they stepped to the edge._ _  
_

_In the next instant, Rory and Logan were flying through the air, holding each other with one hand and extended umbrellas in the other. Uproarious cheers from the crowd floated up to meet them and carry them safely to solid ground. They hit the grass with a soft whoosh, solidly on their feet._

_Rory looked up at the platform, which towered menacingly above her, but she wasn't so scared of it anymore. It seemed impossible that they had just been all the way up there, and now they were down on the ground. She wondered if that's what birds felt like, when they flew –free, carried by the wind.  
_

_"_ _You did good, Ace!" Logan smiled widely, still holding tight to her hand._

_"_ _Once in a lifetime experience!" Rory said brightly, still trying to catch her breath._ _  
_

_"_ _Only if you want it to be," Logan answered sincerely._

* * *

Logan returned from his evening with Jess feeling mildly disgusted with himself. He'd shamelessly baited Jess, provoked him and tried to back him into  _some kind_ of corner, so that if he  _were_  in love with Rory, the easiest option would be for him to admit it. But each time, Jess' answer was always the same:  _"I love her, but I'm not in love with her –you are."…"Yes, I love her, I always will, but I have no desire to step on your toes." … "I love her, but I haven't loved her the way you love her for a very long time." … "I'm not looking to replace you, I don't want your life."_

Logan had either forced Jess to state that he loved Rory, but wasn't  _in_ love withher, that he wasn't interested in trying to steal Rory away from Logan, or try and replace him as Hannah's dad –he couldn't even remember how many times –at least half a dozen. And each time, Jess was consistent in stating his love for Rory and their daughter without needing to share DNA with Hannah, or be  _in_ love with Rory. Jess was sure, he was steady, he was unwavering and he seemed to be somewhat at peace with that life changing choice he'd made. Every time Logan asked the question or backed him into that corner, a part of him wanted to see the faintest hint of a crack, a pause that stretched a beat too long, an unsure tone or crack in his voice –because it really  _would have been easier_ to throw down and duel in the name of a competing carnal desire for the same woman. It would be messy, but surprisingly uncomplicated –the oldest reason in the book in fact, for why men fight –for love.

But no –there was a calmness to Jess's repeated declarations, a sureness, a security both in himself and the kind of love that existed inside him, for her. Each time, Jess was able to repeat his answer to Logan without blinking, without second-guessing himself and without even the slightest tell that would indicate he wished he could take back the answer he gave –no matter how many times he gave it. Logan understood that none of this meant that the road in front of Jess would be an easy one to traverse; but he knew, somehow, Jess would figure out how, and he wouldn't waste much time in his life regretting his remarkable, but unbelievably challenging choice.

Logan, on the other hand –the man who  _was_  truly in love with Rory, seemed barely able to say it even  _half_  the times that he'd cornered Jess into making the opposite assertion, and he felt sweaty and nervous each time. He didn't think he'd said it even once without his voice shaking. It didn't mean he was lying to Jess about loving her, about fighting for her and their family –he did love her with all his heart, and he  _would_ fight for her. But it was terrifying to love someone as much as he loved Rory and to risk losing her, to have absolutely  _no idea_  what the future holds –if any at all-  _especially_  because their daughter was smack-dab in the middle of it all.

Logan was jealous of Jess' unwavering certainty and clarity about who he was, how Rory –and her daughter- fit into that equation, and the role he had to play in all this. Logan was very much in love with Rory and he would fight for his family –but wished he had even half of Jess' peace of mind.

Logan wanted to believe that things would get better –soon enough and positively enough that there'd be no reason for him to hit a wall, get fed up and 'want out the way a feral dog wants out of his cage,' but he knew that if he and Rory couldn't start communicating properly soon, that's exactly what would happen. It was a knife in the gut that Jess saw it coming, and that Logan could say  _nothing_ to defend himself, because it was true. He didn't want to be that guy –the guy who needs space from his own family in order to get his head on straight. But while he and Rory shared a child, and Logan knew Rory was worth fighting for, they were hardly a family right now. And that was a bitter pill to swallow.

Yes –complicated and painful though it might be- Logan was  _extremely_  envious of Jess' clarity. If only he could be so lucky. He used to be as sure as Jess was, but somewhere along the way –he didn't even know if it was before or after Rory got pregnant- he lost it. Logan knew Rory was drifting, and it was up to him to do the heavy lifting to reel her back in; if he wasn't able to do it soon, he feared he was doomed to a custody agreement rather than a fair shot at a family.

Whatever it was that he'd lost along the way –his confidence in his love for Rory, the dogged persistence they  _both_ had once upon a time, the fun, the whimsy, the joy- he needed to find it. He needed to find it for both of them and hope that Rory was willing to try to recapture some of it. Otherwise, this life he never asked for that he so badly wanted to make work, was going to slip through his fingers like sand. And if the uphill climb got the best of him now, he knew there was a very good chance that he would convince himself it wasn't worth going back to, over and over again, if all that awaited him was disappointment and failure.

Logan couldn't let that happen. He didn't want to go down without fighting. He didn't know what the future held for him and Rory –if there was even a united future in their cards at all- but he had to try.

* * *

"Do you remember the camping trip?" Logan asked softly, entering Rory's room where she sat holding Hannah.

Rory jumped. "You scared me!" she whispered, gazing down at Hannah. "Shh! She just fell asleep."

Logan walked over to Rory and crouched down in front of her, kissing his daughter's head. He reached up and cradled Rory's cheek in his palm. "Ace. Do you remember the camping trip?"

"What camping trip?"

"You know the one."

"I don't –Logan, I don't know what you're –"

"It'll be fun, it'll be a thrill… just something different. People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it's one less minute you haven't lived," Logan whispered, recalling surprisingly well what he'd told her that day so many years ago.

"Oh," Rory smiled, "that camping trip. The one where you convinced me to jump to my death."

"Yeah, but you did.  _You_ decided to jump, I didn't make you. I just made it sufficiently enticing. And you didn't die."

"No, I did not."

"We're not on that scaffold anymore, Ace. But we are poised at the edge of another cliff. This one's scarier and we don't have umbrellas to help us fly, but the only way to go is forward. Any number of things could happen on the way down –and it's a  _long_  way down. There's no guarantee that we won't get torn apart from each other before we reach the ground. I'm not a guy that likes to admit when he's scared –but I am. It'll probably be a bit of a disaster, but we have no choice. Are we jumping together, Rory? Or is this every person for themselves?"

"What's the adventure?" Rory asked.

"What?"

"The camping trip –you told me I looked sheltered and that I needed adventure."

"I did, didn't I?"

"Yes, you did. So –what's the adventure, Huntzberger?"

"Her," Logan smiled, casting his eyes down to his daughter and back up at Rory.

Rory's eyes welled with tears. She started to tremble.

Logan carefully took Hannah from Rory and held her securely in one arm; he took Rory's hand and led her to the bed. They sat there for a few minutes –Logan pulled Rory in to lean her head against his chest, and she let him.

"I don't know how to be this person Logan. Lots of women –they lose themselves when they have kids, they forget who they are when their entire life has to revolve around being responsible for another human, after first carrying that baby to term –they forget who they were, how to keep aspects of their pre-parenthood selves…" she said quietly.

"I know this may come as a surprise to you, but I am actually reasonably aware of that phenomenon," he chuckled. "You don't have to tell me about it like you're translating a foreign language."

"I know. But I –I'd already lost myself even before –I don't know who I am anymore. I'm ten times more lost than a typical first-time mother. I don't know how to be this person. I love her –and I  _want_ to be a good mom, but I don't know how."

"Do you think any first-time parent has the perfect answer to that question?"

"No –but other women have –instincts."

"And you think you don't?"

"Not maternal ones."

"Yes you do, Ace. You may not know  _everything_ , but no parent does. I sure as hell don't. There's lots about this situation that's very extreme and complicated, but that part –being terrified and not knowing all the answers- that's normal."

"I'm sorry."

"I know. But, Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"We can't keep doing this. We can't keep talking in metaphors. You have to stop letting me in one day and shutting me twice as far out the next. If we're going to do this –we have to  _do_ it. We don't have to have all the answers. We don't even need to make promises to each other that we're not ready to make –let alone if or how we keep them. That part's all unknown. But Hannah –she's not just yours and she's not just mine. She's  _ours_. If nothing else, we have to try and be a united front for her. I can't keep doing this –fighting with you and trying to figure out how to help you and be her father and remember who  _I_ am. If you keep pushing me away, one day I just won't come back. Hannah's ours. We have to try and be a team –even if only for her- we have to try to be a team.

"I'm going to screw up. I'm going to hurt you along the way. You're going to screw up. You're going to hurt me. But it's not fair for you to treat me like I've already done something terrible to you. I know that Odette was a sore point.  _We_ went about this wrong. And when you were pregnant, I was unfair to you. But I've apologized and I've done the right thing now. I'm here. If it's too little, too late you just need to tell me. But you're not allowed to hold that against me for the rest of our lives. If you can't forgive me –if you can't trust me, if I can't earn it somehow, then what am I doing here?"

"Logan, I –"

"Don't. I didn't ask that because I expect an answer right now. I don't even expect you to come up with an answer all by yourself. I need to answer that just as much as you do."

"What do you mean?"

"It means those are my cards. That's what's on the table. That's what you have to contemplate. That's what I have to contemplate, too. This isn't about us –it's about her. So, it's not just your decision. It's mine too. There's more than one way to make sure we're  _both_  parents to Hannah. There's more than one way to be a team. Maybe the team that we started forming when we jumped off that scaffold doesn't exist anymore –maybe with all the mistakes we've made, those people are gone. I don't know."

"I don't know either."

"I'm not trying to scare you. I'm not threatening you and my bags aren't packed. We have decisions to make. They might hurt, but we have to make them together." Rory let out a quiet sob against Logan's chest. "Shh. Don't cry. You'll wake her up. You look exhausted. You should sleep." He stood up slowly and pulled Rory up with him to turn down her covers for her, nodding for her to get in.

"Are you leaving?"

"Yeah. I'm tired too."

"Don't go."

"I'll come back in the morning," he promised. "I'll bring breakfast."

"And coffee?" Rory asked drowsily.

"And coffee. Come on, get to bed, before you pass out."

She did as he told her and curled up on her side. "Logan, I –"

Logan waited, but her mind seemed to drift. "You what?"

"I'm sure it'll sound like –not, not anything –but I –I do love you."

"I know you do. And that's not nothing. That's something," he smiled, leaning forward to kiss her cheek before she drifted off. "I love you too. Ace," he whispered, holding Hannah close enough to Rory's face that she could feel the heat from her daughter's skin.

"Hmm?"

"You did good, Ace."

"You too," she whispered. "That's only half my work, in your arms there. The rest was you. We'll –we'll figure this out, right?"

"Eventually, yeah," Logan sighed heavily. "Eventually."

* * *

Logan closed Rory's door silently after she fell asleep. He thanked Lorelai for letting him in and stuck his hands in his pockets, staring at his feet as he walked out the back door. He sat in his car in the driveway for a solid ten minutes, his eyes closed, his head resting softly on the headrest –jaw clenched, heart racing.

Lorelai watched him from the window.

"What's he doing?" Luke asked, coming up behind Lorelai. "Is he asleep?"

"No," Lorelai whispered, struggling to keep her voice even. "He is most definitely not sleeping."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First it takes me two months to post, and then I give you three super close together. But in my mind, even though this one started forming only after 46 took some shape, the two chapters belong together. Here I was thinking I couldn't possibly leave you hanging on the last one before prepping for exams, but then I just finished this one and I read it through going, "Shit. This got heavy. Leaving them on this note isn't much better." Luckily for you all, this formed in my head just as quickly as the last one did. Not so luckily for you, I'm EXHAUSTED and I have two exams and a paper to write before heading to spend Christmas with my family in two weeks. My inner author is exhausted too, the next steps have to percolate before I can put them to paper. So, this is it for a while! Hoping to get some writing done while at the homestead, though! Stick with me. Don't worry about Jess. He's not going anywhere; that's my guy, so I promise you, I have a plan for him (I don't know if you'll like it, but there is a plan) and he will be fine. Rory and Logan have a long way to go as well, and as you can tell, their trajectory isn't exactly predictable either (oh those of you who thought, "If there's no hope of Literati, it must be Rogan then." Is there no hope? If there isn't, does that HAVE TO equal Rogan? Does it? DOES IT?) We're just getting to the good stuff. This might just turn into War and Peace. But I will not stop until the entire story is told. Much love! :)


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I offer three explanations: a Christmas vacation that, while lovely, did not afford any writing time, a busier semester now than the last one, full of days where I'm up at 6:30am and not getting home until 6:30pm, and a funeral. Not to worry, even though it may have seemed like it, I have deserted not a one of you. I hope I haven't lost too many readers while battling this crazy thing called adulting. I'm on reading week until next Monday and I really hope to get another chapter to you before my life becomes insane again. If I don't get around to it, know how badly I feel and rest assured that I WILL deliver. I wouldn't ever dream of not finishing it, no matter how long it takes. This story, in the midst of all the crazy, is what keeps me sane. It's my refuge. Your support is what keeps me going and keeps the urge to write strong, even if I don't have a lot of energy or time.

Logan could barely remember the person he used to be –few cares in the world, good at everything he did, strong-willed, stubborn and annoyingly charming. He wasn't really any of those things anymore. He was, though, still a man who kept his eyes on the prize, and he even knew what the prize was. But fighting for it proved to be a battle he wasn't sure he could win, and that uncertainty was new to him. He didn't like it.

That night, talking to Rory, their conversation had been quiet, almost understated –but inside, Logan was screaming. Now, it was hard to believe it had been a full year since the girl arrived who would change it all; a full year later, and very little had changed; a full year later, and he still had no idea what he was doing. He'd heard somewhere –someone wise probably said it at some point- that new fathers were the most fearful creatures alive; Logan was no exception, he was probably the most fearful of them all. He was also unnerved that a full year on, almost all of those fears were still there, not even a little bit muted.

Logan took a deep breath and forced the dark thoughts to the back of his mind. Some things were better, he had to remind himself. Rory and Hannah had begun regularly spending two weekends a month at his apartment in Stamford and even though they still weren't discussing it out loud, Rory was doing her best to let him in; they had a long way to go, but they  _were_ headed in the right direction. Right now, though, there were more important things –exciting things- that Logan needed to focus on.

"Why do you look so upset? Will it really be so bad?" Logan asked with a tiny smirk.

"It's just a lot," Rory sighed. "Two birthday parties seems like… a little ridiculous."

"You  _love_  birthday parties, Ace."

"Yeah, but Hannah's one. It's not like she actually cares."

"Okay. I know you and Lorelai already did this dance, but let me remind you what the alternative is. Would you really rather that Emily crash Stars Hollow? If she does, you'll be stressed and looking over your shoulder the whole time. You don't want your grandmother bursting your small-town bubble –not this time."

"I know…"

"If Emily's coming, Jess might elect not to show his face. You don't want that, do you?"

"What makes you think he'd –?"

"I know Jess better than you think," Logan chuckled. "Everyone in town knows you guys are friends again these days, but he won't want to get caught in Emily's crosshairs. He'd either plan his attendance to avoid her, or skip it entirely, and then we'd have to plan a second thing  _anyway_  because you know Jess won't want to miss celebrating Hannah's birthday. So, your choices are Emily in Stars Hollow and a second party with Jess or a second party to include –and appease- your grandmother; she might want a party all her own anyway, that's up to her  _standards_."

"I think," Rory bit her lip, exhaled a deep breath and let her head fall on Logan's shoulder.

The gesture caught Logan off-guard, but he kept his reaction in check and tilted his head to rest his cheek against her head. "What, Ace?"

"I don't want Hannah to have a birthday party filled with lace doilies and a six-course meal and a strict formal dress code."

"I'm sure a sit-down meal at a fancy Hartford restaurant would do the trick. She is coming to Connecticut, right? We probably won't even have to leave her hotel."

"I love my grandma, but I –"

"I know you do, Ace."

"And I'm so relieved that she's not giving us the cold shoulder anymore…"

"I know."

"But I don't want her in Stars Hollow."

"Okay, then we'll make sure your protective bubble stays intact."

"What if Jess doesn't want to come? To the other party, I mean."

"That's insane."

"He hates Stars Hollow, Logan. What if we have to have  _three_ parties?" Rory asked, her heart racing.

For all the improvements Rory was making, she was not back to her proper self quite yet and the panic Logan saw in her eyes right now proved it. "We won't have to have three parties, Ace."

"I've done the multiple birthday parties, to please multiple people. It never works the way it's supposed to."

"This time it will. Look, you and your mom work on the Emily thing, okay? Convince her to do a small thing at her hotel with all of us. No extra people –just you, me, Hannah, your mom and Luke. Everything will be fine. It'll be great."

* * *

"She's worried you won't come."

"That's insane! Why wouldn't I come?"

"That's what I told her. She knows how much you hate Stars Hollow."

"Well, yeah. But I'm not seventeen anymore. I can assail myself for an afternoon. I thought she was doing better? I thought stuff was normal between you two now."

"She is doing better, but she's always been anxious, even before all this... and I don't even know what 'normal' is between us anymore."

"Fair enough. I'll be there, Logan."

"I know. But it won't matter if I tell her that. It won't matter if  _you_ tell her that. She won't believe it until she sees you standing there. Hey, won't the rest of the town be weirded out, seeing you there? I mean –I know everyone knows you guys are friends again… still… whatever, but, you showing up to Hannah's birthday –won't that seem strange to everyone?"

"Ask me if I give a shit what the good folk of Stars Hollow think of what I do. Really –I dare you."

"Fair."

"Hey, do you know if her grandmother –I mean, does my appearance have to be… creative? I might have a hard time explaining my presence to her."

"That's still a work in progress. But Rory says she doesn't want her there. We're working on other plans to include Emily. So, I think… you shouldn't worry."

"Rory  _doesn't want_ her there?"

"Do you really want to open that can of worms, Jess?  _Really_? With  _me_?"

"Good point. Stopping now."

"Thank you."

"Thank  _you_."

"What for?"

"Not having an existential crisis before Hannah's birthday."

"You told me not to."

"Dude. That would've been your cue to say 'Of course I didn't Jess. I'm fighting for my family here. I can't afford to have an existential crisis when there's so much at stake!' I'm not your father. Stop making it sound like you have to do what I say or else suffer a spanking."

"You're not my type, so as enticing as a spanking sounds… this  _is_  my family. And as cushy as an existential crisis sounds –"

"Existential crises are  _cushy_? I've had a few crises in my day… 'cushy' is not the word I would use to describe them…"

"I can't afford to have one right now."

"You make it sound like you had to leave your favourite Porsche at the dealer's, there, Huntzberger."

"Shut up."

"I can't help it. You make yourself such an easy mark sometimes. I didn't  _mean_ it."

"I know. Anyway, I'm fine."

"Good. Me too."

"See you next week."

"Yeah, see you then, Logan."

* * *

"What do you mean you're not having a party? Rory, that's absurd!" Emily said shrilly.

"No, it's not, Grandma," Rory said quietly into the phone, shooting Lorelai a worried look. "Hannah's only turning one. It's not like she'll know what's going on. It's been a long year; I'm tired, I'm just getting my feet back under me. I –I don't want to do a big thing."

"Honestly, Rory, sometimes I wonder if you are your mother's daughter –or my granddaughter for that matter. Who wouldn't want to throw a birthday party for their child?"

"Me. Look, I'm not saying I want to ignore her birthday, I just don't want to make a big deal of it, that's all. I want to save the big-deal-making for when she's old enough to remember… to really know what's going on and enjoy herself."

"I suppose that does make sense," Emily relented.

"I just want to celebrate with you, Mom, Luke and Logan. That's all. Just family."

"Logan will be joining us?"

"Yes, Grandma. Why wouldn't he?" Rory asked.

"I'm just surprised his father hasn't gotten to him yet."

Rory swallowed hard.

"Oh, come now, darling. I didn't mean anything by it. No need for hysterics."

"Hysterical? I didn't say anything!"

"Precisely."

"I'm not hysterical, Grandma."

"Listen, I need to return to Nantucket by Sunday evening for work at the whaling museum on Monday morning –"

"I still can't believe you work at a whaling museum," Rory giggled.

"It is off the beaten path, isn't it?"

"Very. Especially for you. But as long as you like it, that's all that matters."

"I really do. So, then, shall we have lunch and a nice leisurely afternoon on Saturday then? The ninth?"

"Sure. Sounds good to me."

"Shall I come to Stars Hollow?"

"Oh… no. Don't be silly. We'll come to you."

"But Rory –"

"Grandma –honestly, it'll be –it'll be good to get out of the house. Out of the town. It's been a long while since I've really gone anywhere."

"All right. How does eleven work?"

"Perfect. I love you, Grandma."

"I love you too, Rory. I'll see you soon, dear."

"Woo! Lying to your grandmother like a pro! I really have taught you well," Lorelai laughed, handing Hannah back to Rory. "Good job, kid."

"It's not funny, Mom," Rory said worriedly, wincing when Hannah locked her chubby fingers around a lock of her hair. "What if she figures it out? Or comes to the house on Sunday before she leaves?"

"If she wasn't  _leaving_ on the Sunday, I may concede that you might have a point. But even this new and improved Emily Gilmore would rather listen to a symphony of nails on a chalkboard before she'd mess with her itinerary on a travel day. She'll be none the wiser, I promise."

* * *

"My, she's grown!" Emily beamed, reaching for her-great granddaughter when everyone arrived at the hotel.

Hannah leaned into Rory and hid her eyes. "Mama!"

"Goodness. When did she start talking, Rory?"

"About a month ago," Rory smiled. "She's not really  _talking_ , I mean she is –but, just words. 'Mama', 'Dadda', she calls Mom and Luke 'Orai' and 'Uke'."

"In no time she'll be talking up a storm, just like you two," Emily said, glancing between Rory and Lorelai. "Logan. How are you?"

"I'm doing well, Emily. And yourself?" Logan asked, smiling. "I hear Nantucket is treating you well."

"Yes. I quite like it."

"Happy to hear it."

"Forgive me, but it's best to get this out of the way first rather than later –any word from your father, Logan?"

"No," Logan paused. "No. Not a peep since I stormed out at Christmas. No calls, no letters. My sister says he hasn't even asked her about me."

"Your mother?"

"However my dad flies, so flies my mom. If he's not talking to me, she's not either. My mom's not a boat-rocker."

"I'm sorry, Logan."

Logan waved her apology off. "No need to be sorry. It's better this way."

"I hate to say it…" Emily started.

"But just because I haven't heard from Mitchum thus far doesn't mean he's not making nefarious plans? I know."

Hannah reached for Logan. "Daaaaada," she whined. Logan smiled and took her from Rory.

"Well, if he shows himself, I expect you to tell me. Let me help, hm?"

"Of course, Emily. I appreciate it."

"Lorelai. How are things at the inn?"

"Good. The same. Michel's upset because I keep turning down the  _brilliant idea_ of having a walking masseuse to offer massages to people in the lobby, while they're eating –basically anywhere but in an actual spa room. He won't give it up. I'm starting to think all is not right in his marriage, and maybe he needs the on-call masseuse."

"I didn't know Michel got married! Lorelai, why didn't you tell me he got married?"

"Sorry, Mom. I guess I –"

"Is his wife nice? Oh, I bet she's lovely," Emily smiled.

"Wife?" Luke stifled a laugh and Lorelai elbowed him in the ribs.

"Michel's … wife … she is … she is lovely, Mom. The loveliest," Lorelai smiled.

"Oh, I always loved him! Give Michel my best, would you?"

"Mmhm, of course."

"Luke. How's the diner?" Emily asked, turning her attention to Lorelai's husband.

"Diner's good. The same. Good," Luke nodded.

"Very good."

Luke waited for the inevitable question about business expansion, but to his pleasant surprise, it never came.

As the meal got underway, Rory felt herself relax. It was actually nice, spending an afternoon with her grandmother, without tension, without yelling, without feeling like a failure. She'd almost forgotten what that felt like –not feeling like a terrible disappointment.

Hannah was happy –hardly fussy at all- she giggled and blew spit bubbles, her wide grey-blue eyes darting back and forth between everyone as they spoke. You could tell that her little brain was running a mile a second, soaking everything up like a sponge. Halfway through the meal, she reached for Logan and spent the rest of lunch on his lap, switching between nibbling on bread and butter and the fruit and veggies that Rory packed from home.

"Now," Emily smiled as their plates were cleared, "I know you said you didn't want to make a big deal, but what would a birthday be without cake and presents?"

"Grandma, you really didn't have to," Rory said, shifting nervously in her seat.

"Fine, it's not  _presents_ , it's just one present. Does that make you feel better, dear?"

Rory smiled and Emily fished a tiny box out of her purse, decorated with a large pink bow. "Hannah seems too young to be getting a present in a box this small, Grandma," Rory laughed.

"Nonsense. A girl is never too young. Go on, open it."

Rory held the box near Hannah's hands and showed her the end of the bow. Hannah grabbed it and Rory took her daughter's hand and gently showed her how to pull it. Hannah pulled and the bow easily came undone. Rory opened the box and couldn't help but gasp. Inside were the tiniest pearl studs she'd ever seen. Hannah screeched happily. "They're beautiful, Grandma."

"I know her ears aren't pierced yet, but I assume eventually…"

"We're going to wait until she's old enough to decide for herself."

"Well, when she does, you bring these for them to pierce them with. Every girl needs a good pair of pearls."

"Thank you, Emily. They're lovely," Logan smiled.

"Thank you, Grandma. She'll love them," Rory said quietly, grabbing Emily's hand under the table.

"She is most welcome. Now, I asked the chef to prepare a special treat…" Emily started looking around and was just about to call a wait staff over and affix them with a terrifying glare when all the lights in the dining room dimmed.

From behind their table, the restaurant staff started to sing as they walked slowly, carrying a single-tiered vanilla buttercream cake, decorated with ornate roses crafted from fondant. Emily joined in singing; Luke, Lorelai and Logan followed suit. Rory watched and smiled as her daughter laughed while the cake was placed in front of her, a single candle burning on top and  _Happy Birthday Hannah_  written in chocolate syrup along the edge of the plate. Hannah sneezed as soon as the song was finished and the candle blew out. Everyone laughed.

* * *

"What time is it?" Rory asked.

"Eleven-thirty," Lane replied. "Five minutes later than the last time you asked. It's a one-year-old's birthday party, not Prince Harry's wedding. Everything will be fine. The food that needs to stay chilled is in the fridge. The food that needs to be served warm is heating up in the oven –don't touch it- everything's fine. Everything is as ready as can be. People just need to get here."

"Don't worry Auntie Rory, everything will be great!" Kwan said encouragingly.

"We'll even make sure you don't have any leftover food," Steve winked.

"Thanks guys," Rory laughed. "Well, I'm going to go get Hannah dressed. Let's go little lady."

"Hey Lane," Logan said when he arrived at the house about ten minutes after Rory disappeared into her bedroom. "Hey boys!"

"Hi Logan," Steve and Kwan said, without even looking up from their toys.

"Where's Rory?"

"Bedroom," the boys said, pointing towards the kitchen.

"She might be having a hard time deciding what Hannah should wear. This party's really stressing her out, Logan," Lane said.

"I know. I'm going to go find her –see if I can help. What time are people getting here?"

"Any time now. Lorelai and Luke are at the diner, prepping the rest of the food."

"How much food do we  _need_? She's one!"

"This is a Gilmore party, are you  _really_ asking that question?"

"Right, sorry."

"Hey –Logan?"

"Yeah?"

"Is Jess coming?"

"Yeah, why? Is she worried about it?"

"Yeah, but she hasn't said as much, I can just tell."

"I don't know why she's so –he'll be here."

"She's wound about a lot of things. Jess' presence is just one thing of many. I wouldn't read too much into it."

"I guess I shouldn't."

"You shouldn't. Read more into it if he doesn't show up."

"Right. Well, I'm gonna see if she needs help," Logan said as he moved toward the kitchen. When he reached Rory's door, he knocked softly before turning the knob and slowly pushing it open. "Ace? How you doing?"

Rory looked up from her spot in the rocking chair, Hannah nestled quietly in her lap. "We're having a quiet moment. She's overwhelmed."

"Oh," Logan whispered, " _Hannah's_ overwhelmed, is she?" he asked, kneeling in front of the chair. "Ace. It's okay if  _you_ need a breather. It's okay for you to say you need a breather."

"It's been a whole year! I can't believe she's one already!"

"She's not –not until tomorrow," Logan said teasingly.

"Where did the year go?"

"Everyone talks about how fast the time goes. I always thought it was an exaggeration. But evidently not."

Rory's chin started to quiver. "I feel like –"

"You feel like what, Ace? What is it?" Logan asked.

"I feel like I missed it. I was so busy being wrapped up in –I missed it all."

"You didn't."

"I did!"

"No. You didn't. Look at her. Look at the way she's curled up in your lap and clinging to you –if you'd _really_ been so preoccupied that you missed  _everything_ , Hannah wouldn't be so attached to you."

"Logan…"

"It was a hard year for everyone Ace. Everyone. But we all made it. We're here celebrating, because we made it. We made it through an impossibly hard year. We're all getting to a better place and Hannah knows she's loved. That's all that matters. Please don't beat yourself up. Luckily, it's only been one year –we have lots left to make up for what we may not like about this one. Hannah's so young… she won't remember all the struggles of the grownups around her. That's a good thing. Don't feel bad."

Rory sighed. Logan leaned up to kiss her forehead.

"It's okay, Ace."

Rory could hear guests starting to arrive. She heard Miss Patty and Babette chatting up a storm and her mother and Luke returning from the diner. A few seconds later, she heard Paris' no nonsense, clipped greetings to everyone in the house. "I guess we should get out there, huh?" she asked.

"If you need more time, they can wait," Logan said quietly.

Rory leaned back in her chair and spent a few more minutes listening to people arrive –Mrs. Kim demanding space in the kitchen for the food she brought, Gypsy and Sookie chatting with Lorelai and Luke –Rory was thrilled that she came- Kirk and Lulu talking in hushed tones to Petal, who was no doubt scurrying around on her leash, Taylor muttering things that no one wanted to respond to, Michel lamenting that he couldn't possibly eat anything at the party and saying that he should have brought his own food. It all made Rory laugh, this town she called home was certainly unique, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

"Okay," she whispered, pecking Logan's lips, "let's go." As she stood up, all the chatter in her house fell silent; it seemed like everyone stopped  _moving_ , even. It gave Rory an uneasy feeling. "What in the world…?" she said quietly to Logan.

Logan shrugged. "Only one way to find out," he said, opening the bedroom door.

Rory walked into the kitchen and stopped short. "Hi."

"You'd think I was an axe murderer, huh? I swear, no one wants us to be friends. You can breathe, everyone… I'm not here to kill you or anything, Jesus," Jess said flatly, rolling his eyes and looking at Rory. "Hi. Why do you look so surprised?"

"I don't! I'm not!"

"Yes, you are," he smirked. "I told you I was coming… why do you seem so shocked that I actually showed up?"

"I'm not –I…"

"You need a better poker face. You're not helping to ease all the shocked, silent staring that everyone's doing. Hey Logan."

"Hey Jess. Good to see you," Logan said.

"What's going on here? What is this? How long have I been gone?" Sookie asked. "Can someone please tell me what I'm missing?"

"Bass!" Hannah squealed excitedly, pushing away from Rory and reaching for Jess.

"I'm doomed to never have a normal name," Jess chuckled, reaching to take Hannah. "Hey there, not-so-little Banana," he kissed her head. "Happy birthday."

"Bass," Hannah whispered, leaning into him.

"Okay, I really am missing something," Sookie said, bewildered.

"You're not missing anything, Sookie, I promise. Hannah really likes Jess is all," Rory explained.

"But… why?" Sookie asked, stunned.

"Hey!" Jess said loudly, sarcastically. "Words hurt like a fist."

Rory laughed, running over to Sookie and giving her a hug. "It's so great to see you! Thank you so much for coming!"

"Of course I came, sweetie," Sookie said, embracing her. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Overwhelmed. But good."

"Welcome to motherhood. Get used to it –that feeling never really goes away. I brought three different kinds of cake. Let me show you –you can tell me which one is Hannah's favourite, we'll put the candle on that one, okay?"

"You made  _three_  cakes?"

"As if they won't get eaten…"

"Good point. Show me!"

"You're adjusting well to this not-fatherhood deal," Paris whispered to Jess. "I'm impressed."

"No offense," Jess said, situating Hannah on his hip, "but why are you talking to me? Why do you care?"

"It's a party. Conventionally, one is supposed to be social at parties."

"And this is you being sociable, is it?"

"Yes."

Jess rolled his eyes and laughed under his breath. "The fineness that you see me exhibiting was not easily achieved," he said softly. "Can we change the subject now?"

"Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't care. Anything but this."

"Paris!" Logan said happily. "How are the kids?"

"Kids?" Jess asked in shock. "Paris has kids?"

"Yes. Two," Paris said. "They're fine, Logan."

"How's Doyle?"

"Insufferable."

"Really? Insufferable, huh? Do you need to vent, Paris?"

"Not really –"

"Oh, come on! Tell me about the insufferable! I know a thing or two about insufferable. Come on. Talk to me," Logan said with a wink, leading her away from Jess.

Jess raised his eyebrows at Logan to say thank you. "You're gonna have one crazy life, Banana. Mostly because your mom's friends and this town of hers is  _crazy_!"

"Who's crazy?" Rory asked.

"This town. Mommy's friends. Right Banana?" Hannah laughed. "See? She agrees with me."

"Sure she does," Rory laughed. "Thanks for coming, Jess."

"I'm still not entirely sure why you were so thoroughly convinced that I wouldn't."

"I don't know. It's been a very weird, very hard year. I guess I wouldn't have been surprised if you decided that being part of the crazy was too… well –crazy."

"You underestimate me. You never used to –even when you had reason to. You shouldn't start now."

"Right. Sorry. How –how are you doing?"

"I'm okay, Rory. I promise," Jess said knowingly. "How about you? How are you doing?"

"I'm… I'm not as okay as you, I don't think. But I'm doing all right," Rory said with a tiny smile.

"Good. I'm glad. Greg says hi, and happy birthday to Hannah. Ella too."

"Oh my God, how are they? That's so sweet of them. I've been meaning to call Greg back…"

"They're good. Next time you're out in Brooklyn you should bring Hannah, they'd probably love to see her."

"I will," Rory smiled.

"Rory, do you want to do cake or gifts first?" Lorelai asked, coming into the kitchen. "Hey! Jess!"

"Hey Lorelai."

"Um, gifts, I think. Once she has cake and then suffers a sugar crash, I'm pretty sure the party's over," Rory laughed.

"Good call. Lane! Boys!" Lorelai yelled into the living room. "Presents first!"

"On it, Lorelai!" Lane yelled back.

"On it? What are they 'on it' for?" Rory asked.

"They're arranging the presents."

"What's to arrange? She's going to rip them all apart anyway."

"Beats me," Lorelai shrugged. "Living room, five minutes?"

"Yeah," Rory sighed.

"Breathe," Jess chuckled, gently placing Hannah in her arms. "It'll be fine, promise. I'll see you in there."

"Logan!" Rory called. "Presents, five minutes! Cake right after!"

"See, Ace?" Logan smiled, walking over to her and kissing Hannah. "Birthday party? No big deal!"

Jess smirked to himself and headed towards the living room.

"Hey Jess," Luke said, walking over to his nephew. "This is a lot, huh?"

"You say that like you have no idea who you married, or who her daughter is. Were you expecting a  _low-key_ affair?"

"A guy can dream."

"Only if he's delusional."

"Shut up. Although I gotta tell you, I never thought I'd miss April's birthdays… they seem so manageable in comparison."

"Didn't Lorelai always plan them and throw them for you? Even  _after_  she got in trouble for it that one time?" Jess asked.

"Shut up," Luke said again, narrowing his eyes.

Jess laughed. "Shutting up now."

* * *

All of the things Rory never got because she'd refused a baby shower seemed to come to her and her daughter tenfold to celebrate Hannah's birthday. It was overwhelming to realize how loved her daughter was –especially after over a year of Rory feeling so lost and so alone.

Hannah dug into  _all three_ of the cakes Sookie had made –chocolate mousse, rainbow sprinkle and strawberry shortcake. This time, she blew out her candle instead of sneezing on it and everyone cheered.

Shortly after all the cake, Hannah got cranky and soon after, she fell asleep. Rory excused herself from all the guests to lay her down in the bedroom and Jess followed her.

"Hey, I'm gonna get going, if that's okay. The weather looks like it's getting nasty and I don't want a complicated drive," he said.

"Yeah," Rory said, "it does look pretty dark out there. Well, be careful."

"I will."

"Thanks for coming, Jess. I know she's only one, but she would've known if you weren't here."

"I know."

"It –it means a lot to me, too."

"I know, Rory," Jess smirked, reaching into Hannah's crib to pull her blanket up around her. "Hey, so I got her a present, but I forgot it on my coffee table in Brooklyn. I realized as soon as your mom asked you about the presents…"

"Oh! That's so sweet of you! You didn't have to, Jess," Rory smiled.

"I know, but I did, so. Maybe next time you're out my way, if it works, bring her with you? That way she can see Greg and Ella and get a bonus present all at once."

"Sounds great. I think I'll have time towards the end of the week, does that work?"

"Yeah. Absolutely. Give me a call. Logan can come too, if he wants."

"You guys really do get along, huh?"

"Most of the time."

"Weird," Rory laughed.

"Very," Jess agreed.

"What's weird?" Logan asked, standing in Rory's bedroom doorway. "Is she asleep?"

Rory nodded.

"How little we want to kill each other," Jess explained. "That's what's weird."

"Oh. Yeah. Extremely. Hey, Jess, the rain's picking up –you might want to think about hitting the road soon, driving could get hairy."

"See? He even looks out for my safety. This is just a regular alternate dimension we're in, kids."

"Oh, no, that was me trying to get rid of you. Was that not obvious?" Logan joked.

"Not entirely," Jess answered honestly.

"Damn… well, get the hell out! How was that?"

"Better."

"Good."

"Bye Rory. I'll see you soon?"

"Yeah, for sure."

Jess kissed Rory's cheek quickly and bent down to kiss Hannah's head. He extended his hand to Logan as he approached him. "Good to see you, Logan. You should come out to Brooklyn with Rory next week. I forgot Hannah's present, so."

"Birthday party, part two. I'm in. Drive safe."

"There you go, giving a shit again. Careful, Logan, or I'm going to start thinking there's a real, beating heart underneath all that tin," Jess winked.

Logan chuckled as Jess left. "What is it?" he asked Rory, when he noticed her furrowed brow.

"He seems different."

"Jess? He's fine."

"I don't mean bad different –just –different."

"Yeah, I guess. It makes sense though."

"It does?"

"Yes," Logan smiled, walking into Rory's room. "You're not the only one who made it through this very hard year, Rory. Jess seems a little lighter on his feet. Is that so bad?" he asked, kissing her cheek and putting his arm around her shoulders.

"No," Rory smiled. "It's not."

"So… one birthday down. Twenty or so to go."

"Why only twenty or so?"

"Well, by then she might be too cool to spend her birthday with her parents," Logan laughed.

"Now I'm tired again," Rory sighed.

"I can get back early from work Friday, if you want to go to Brooklyn then."

"Sure."

"See?"

"What?"

"Well, it's hardly case closed. But we are figuring this out, aren't we?"

"Yeah, I guess we are."

* * *

"Hey! I've been thinking about you  _all_ day!"

"Ease up there, El, you have a boyfriend."

"How was the party, smartass?"

"It was a one-year-old's birthday party. It was fine."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I want to go to bed is what I want to do. You can ask Rory about it at the end of the week. She'll tell you everything. That way, you can spare me."

"Come again?"

"I forgot Hannah's present on my coffee table. I told Rory to come out and bring Hannah with her. I even invited Logan."

"How big of you!"

"Shut up. I'll talk to you tomorrow. I just wanted to tell you I was back."

"Okay."

"Hey, El?"

"Yeah, Groucho?"

"Thanks for asking me if I wanted to talk about it."

"You're welcome, Jess. That's an open-ended offer."

"I know. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

* * *

"So, the reason you were a no-show for your friends this weekend is because it was your daughter's birthday?" Colin asked incredulously.

"Stop sounding like I hurt your feelings," Logan rolled his eyes.

"Not just my feelings…"

"All of us, Logan!" Robert yelled.

"Yeah! We like parties, mate! Are you too good for us now? I reckon if we were there, you might've had some actual  _fun_!" Finn shouted.

"Stop it, all of you. Hannah's one… I think her party would've been too tame for your tastes."

"And it wasn't too tame for  _yours_?" Finn challenged.

"Fine. We missed that party, so you'll just have to arrange another one," Robert said.

"What do you mean?" Logan asked.

"It seems that unless we force your hand, we'll never meet that daughter of yours –if you even have one," Colin said.

"Of course I have a daughter. Don't be so ridiculous."

"Splendid. To Connecticut then, boys?" Robert asked.

"Here, here!" everyone responded.

"Right on! We'll see you on Saturday, Logan darling," Finn said.

"And don't think we can't find our way to Stars Hollow by ourselves. I assure you, we can," Robert promised. "You'd better tell Rory we're coming and it might be safer for your sake if we were in Stamford rather than Stars Hollow," Colin said, before hanging up.

Logan knew better than to believe that his friends might be kidding. They were coming. He couldn't stop them. He couldn't pretend to be delusional enough to think that Rory would be amused. And here Rory thought Hannah's birthday was stressful…


	49. Chapter 49

"So, do you want to stay with me this weekend?" Logan asked as they drove to Brooklyn the Friday after Hannah's birthday.

"Sure," Rory smiled. "Hey Hannah… sleepover at Daddy's?" she asked, turning around to look at her daughter.

"Dada's! Ya!" Hannah squealed excitedly.

"She'll be there too."

"Thank goodness," Logan laughed. His laughter faded as he steeled himself to tell her what he should have days ago –if he was lucky and if she really was getting better, Rory wouldn't yell at him in front of Hannah for what he was about to say. "Ace, the Brigade called me, after Hannah's party."

"If they want to send champagne, they're twenty years too early."

"They don't want to send it, they want to –they want to bring it."

"Excuse me?"

"They're coming. To Stamford. Tomorrow."

"What? Logan! They can't just show up like –"

"They can. They don't have kids. They can go wherever they want, whenever they want."

"What does  _that_ mean?" Rory asked, narrowing her eyes into slits.

"Crap," Logan sighed. "I didn't mean it like –I just meant, it wasn't a question. They told me they were coming. They said they'd go to Stars Hollow themselves. They mean it, Rory. They will show up unannounced on your mother's doorstep and trash that entire town of yours… their morals anyway. They know you'll be mad. They don't care."

"Well, if they had any respect, they'd –"

"Respect?" Logan's voice rose. He looked at Hannah quickly through his rearview and adjusted his tone. Taking a deep breath, he started again. "Ace, I've barely talked to them since I found out you were pregnant, much less since Hannah was born, let alone seen them. They're not trying to be… assholes," he whispered, "I told them to steer clear, give you room. They have. They have been respectful –more than you ever wanted to give them credit for."

"Logan –"

"They're not trying to be mean. I'm their friend and they've seen like, none of me. They –they miss me, trite as that may sound. They miss  _you_. I have a kid. They're just a bunch of babies –they wanna meet our kid, Ace, and I don't really have a good reason for why they can't anymore. They miss me, they miss you, they love us and they want to meet our kid. Is that so bad? They don't mean any harm. We'll get three free babysitters! Hannah will be entertained by them for a few hours and then she'll fall asleep, they can stay for another hour after that then we'll kick them out. We get three entertaining clowns –for free. Jackpot, right?"

Rory sighed and stared out her window for a long time. "No alcohol," she said finally, without looking at Logan.

"No alcohol."

"They can't swear."

"No swearing."

"And I want them gone no later than three hours after they arrive. Probably sooner."

"Done."

"If they make her cry…"

"I'll throw them out head first."

"I'm sorry –that I've been so unreasonable when it came to the subject of them for so long," Rory said quietly. "I'm trying to be better."

"I can see that," Logan smiled. "Thank you."

"I mean –she's probably smarter than them already, right?"

"Hannah? She can dance circles around them easily!"

"I'm going to make sure they know that."

"You should."

"What could go wrong?" Rory asked nervously.

"Do you actually want me to answer that, or –?"

"No! Keep your eyes on the road, Huntzberger! Both hands on the wheel!"

"On da heeeeel, buwgew!" Hannah echoed from the back seat, cackling.

Rory and Logan both burst out laughing.

"Yes ma'am," Logan said quietly. As he eyed the back of his daughter's head through his rearview for the second time in less than five minutes, he happily tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "Hey Nannah, are you excited to make some new friends tomorrow?"

"Yup," she nodded happily, exaggerating her  _p_ sound, making it have the sound of a popping balloon.

"See, Ace? She's excited!"

"Yeah, she is," Rory conceded with a pleasant smile and a playful, challenging look in her eye, "but I bet I know what she's even more excited for. Hey Hannie, do you know where we're going right now?"

"No. Far."

"You're right, it is far. I'm sorry baby. We're going to Brooklyn."

"Bookin?

"Yeah. Do you know why we're going to Brooklyn?"

"Eye? Bookin?"

"Jess lives in Brooklyn! We're going to visit Jess! Won't that be fun?"

"Bass?" Hannah asked excitedly.

"Yeah! Bass! Your favourite… fish!"

"Yay! Bass!" Hannah yelled and giggled. "Yay! Bass!"

"Of course," Logan said, rolling his eyes and laughing.

* * *

"Bass! Bass! Bass! Bass!" Hannah squealed as Rory got get out of the car and set her on her feet. She wasn't walking on her own yet, but if someone helped her stay upright, she was just fine –with the speed of a battering ram.

Ella was sitting by the front window of Truncheon and saw them all get out of the car. "Hey Groucho! Your favourite girl is here, and she's yelling for some fish," she laughed.

"Hey," Jess said, sprinting into the main room and handing Ella a present wrapped in pink tissue paper, "throw that on the table." He opened the front door with a flourish. "And what is this? Banana, how'd you get here?"

"Bass!" Hannah giggled, jumping out of her skin at the bottom of Truncheon's front steps –stairs were not a thing she'd mastered yet.

"All right, let's go little miss," Logan said, picking her up and walking up the stairs.

"Hey guys," Jess said, squeezing Hannah's nose and sticking out his tongue at her. "How was the drive?"

"Not too bad. We were just ahead of rush hour, so."

"Hello there!" Ella said with a big smile when everyone came in.

"Ella! How are you?" Rory asked.

"Good! Nice to see you again, Rory. And you," Ella said to Hannah, "happy birthday!"

Hannah laughed a little and hid her face in Logan's neck.

"Hannah," Rory said gently, "what do you say?"

"Hi," she whispered, waving her arm.

"She's shy," Logan said. "I don't think she remembers you."

"Oh, that's okay. Why would she? We have plenty of time to be friends. How are  _you_ , caveman?"

Logan laughed. "You're not giving that up, are you?"

"No sir. Do you know what I'm talking about yet?"

"Not a clue."

"Well then, I suggest you inform yourself –and then we can discuss it."

Rory laughed.

"What?" Logan asked.

"Oh," Ella said as it dawned on her, "she gets it! She gets it!"

"I do," Rory said.

"And?"

"It makes sense."

"What makes sense?" Logan asked.

"That you're the caveman," Jess said. "I might also be the caveman. We're really in trouble then."

"And when Hannah's old enough, I'm thinking astronaut. Rory, you should educate this guy of yours," Ella laughed.

Rory chuckled. "I'll do my best."

"Hey everyone, I come bearing cupcakes!" Greg said, walking through the door. "Hello little lady, how are you?"

Hannah looked at Jess.

"Can I…?" Jess asked Logan, holding his hands out.

"Yeah," Logan nodded, passing Hannah over gently.

"All these new people, huh Banana?" Jess said to her. "This is Greg."

"Gag?"

"Yes," Greg laughed. "My wife might agree with you, depending on the day. I'll take it."

"Can you say hi?" Jess asked.

"Hi," Hannah said.

"And over here," he said, walking slowly further inside, "is Ella."

"Hey big girl," Ella said with a friendly smile. "I'm Ella."

"Emma?" Hannah asked.

Jess laughed. "Close enough. She gets an actual name, I'm a fish and Greg is Gag man. I shouldn't be surprised."

"The lady has her priorities straight," Ella laughed.

Hannah noticed the present on the table and pointed to it silently.

"Yes, that's for you," Jess chuckled. "Are you guys hungry?" he asked, turning to Rory and Logan. "Should we have cupcakes first?"

"Sure," Rory smiled.

"They're just little minis, the sugar high shouldn't be serious."

"She's one. It'll be serious either way."

"Fair. Here," Jess said, handing Hannah to Rory. "You stay with Mommy and Daddy. I'll be back in a sec –just going to go grab some plates."

Jess returned to see Hannah standing on the floor, holding onto the back of Ella's chair, slowly pushing it forward while Rory walked behind her. "Uh," he said with a bemused smirk, "does anyone want coffee?"

"I'm offended that you have to ask that question," Rory said sarcastically.

"Kitchen's that way," Jess said, pointing in the direction he came from. "I know better than to make it for you."

"I could use a jolt too, actually," Logan said.

"Help yourself," Jess nodded. "I'll watch her."

Once Rory and Logan came back, they all had cupcakes together –there were no candles this time. Hannah eventually ended up on Ella's lap, Jess pushing her wheelchair around the main room very slowly. Hannah giggled and screeched; she'd discovered her new favourite kind of ride.

"Okay," Jess said, eventually, picking up the pink present off the table. "Hannah Banana! Do you want to see what this is? It's for you!"

"Ya!" Hannah said happily, reaching for the mystery present.

Jess picked her up off Ella's lap and placed her in his own, wrapping his arms around her while keeping his hands free, to help her rip the paper. Underneath the wrapping was a book, full of pictures and bright colours. There was an illustration of a short little girl on the cover, with soft brownish-blonde hair.

"Me?" Hannah asked quietly, pointing to the picture.

"Maybe," Jess smirked. "Should we read? Storytime?"

"Ya!"

The story was called  _The Little Girl Who Lost Her Name_ and told of a young girl who had indeed lost her name, and the adventure she went on to find it again. She made all kinds of new friends as each page revealed a clue –a letter. By the end of the story, her name was restored; her name was Hannah. Hannah listened to every word, even if she didn't understand the story. By the end though, when she saw her name,  _that_ she recognized, and she laughed. "Me! Me!"

"Yeah! It's you!" Jess said happily.

Hannah pulled the book out of his hands and held it out to Rory and Logan. "Me!"

"That's so great, Jess," Rory smiled. "Thank you. She'll treasure it. Really."

"Where did you find that?" Logan asked. "It's like, a perfect present."

"I had it made. You order them online. There's a website,  _wonderbly_ ; they have a ton of story templates and you can choose the character's name and what the protagonist looks like, so it mirrors the kid you give it to –to personalize it. The stories stay the same, but you can make the names whatever you want and pick the illustration that looks most like the kid you're giving it to. It seems like I laboured over it, but I didn't. Couple of clicks, and it was in the mail."

"Mo! Mo!" Hannah said excitedly.

"You want me to read it again? More?" Jess asked, looking to Rory and Logan to make sure it was okay.

"Ya! Bass!"

"Okay, one more time, little lady, then we have to go," Logan laughed.

* * *

"You were really great with her today, Groucho."

"She's a great kid."

"Yeah, but I meant –it was nice to see  _you_  so okay. So relaxed."

"Comes and goes. But I've made my peace with it, mostly."

"Hey –would you ever have kids of your own?"

"I never thought I would before, but now…"

"But now?"

"I don't know. Maybe. One day. If it's in the cards for me. It wouldn't be the worst thing."

"I hope it is in the cards for you."

"What about you? Hannah was loving you by the end there. You looked pretty comfortable too. Do you want kids?"

"That's… a loaded question."

"Because of your disability?"

"No. Not really. I mean yeah, it's a factor. But it's not like I  _can't_  have kids. Physically, I can. The wheelchair isn't inheritable."

"I know. But then why? You love kids. Does Mike –?"

"It has nothing to do with Mike. Mike would have kids. He'd want his kids to be my kids. That's not the issue. It's my baggage, not his. Jess… I had a really nice day, thanks for inviting me. But can we –can we stop talking about this?"

"Sure. Ella, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to –"

"I know. It's okay, Jess. Don't worry about it."

"Spitfire, if you ever want to talk about –I mean, whatever it is –"

"I won't. But thanks for the offer. It's why I love you."

* * *

"They're late," Rory said, pacing Logan's apartment.

"When have they  _ever_  been on time? For anything?" Logan laughed, bouncing Hannah up and down on his lap. "Ace, sit down. You're making me nervous."

"Good. I'm starting to think this was not a good idea."

"It'll be fine."

Just then, there was a loud, persistent knock on Logan's door. It made Rory jump out of her skin.

"Take her. Ace… breathe."

"Huntzberger! Are you alive? A few of us are seriously concerned that you might not be. I told them it was ridiculous… but the mob mentality is getting to me. LOGAN!" Robert yelled.

"Take it easy, you fools," Logan laughed, opening the door. "See? Alive and well."

"Oh thank God!" Finn exclaimed, hugging Logan so suddenly that it made him stumble.

"Easy there, Finn. You might suffocate me. Then where would we be?"

"Heartbroken! Gutted, all!"

"Dial it back there, Macbeth."

"Macbeth was Scottish. Scotts are foolhardy wankers. How dare you insult me," Finn said evenly, slapping Logan's face.

Hannah giggled from where she sat in Rory's lap. "Wank!" she repeated.

"Oh boy," Rory whispered, chuckling to herself.

"Gracious!" Finn gasped. "Such a vision! You look all right too, Rory darling."

"Thanks Finn," she sighed.

"May I?"

Logan nodded and Rory slowly handed Hannah to Finn, her heart racing.

"She looks just like a cherub! But less fat. Luckily, she looks more like her mother than like you there, Logan. Oh, I do hope she has your dimples though."

Hannah giggled the whole time that Finn spoke.

"She  _does_ have your dimples. What's funny, little angel?"

"Your voice, would be my guess," Robert wagered.

"How dare  _you_ , Robert."

"Hey… where's Colin?" Logan asked.

"He forgot something in the car," Robert answered.

"Not his pants, I hope…"

"Logan!" Rory exclaimed.

"What? There's precedent!"

"Not his pants. Those he's wearing… today. It would've been funny though," Robert grinned.

"Not so much. If it's booze he forgot, one of you should go tell him to leave it in the car," Rory warned.

"It's not booze, Rory. What do you take us for?"

"Interesting question…"

"Never mind. Forget I asked."

"Oh, rats! But I had such a good answer!" Rory said sarcastically.

"Would you like to hold the angel, Robert?" Finn asked.

"No," Robert said tersely.

"Heartless bast–"

"Language, there bud. She repeats," Logan warned.

"Bum –bum is what I meant to say," Finn self-corrected. "Heartless bum. Uncle Robert is a bum, Hannah darling, you needn't concern yourself with him."

"I'm no one's uncle."

"No, and thank God for that."

"Seriously," Logan sighed. "Where is Colin?"

"Here," Colin announced with a flourish in the doorway. "Colin is here. Logan! So pleased you're not dead, my friend."

"Far from it."

"Rory! You hardly look like you just had a child!"

"I had her a year ago Colin."

"Yes, well. Of course."

"Are you drunk?"

"That's what you usually ask Finn."

"Well, today I'm asking you, Colin."

"I'm not the least bit inebriated, Rory. Would you like to smell my breath?"

"No! Don't you dare breathe on me. What the heck is in your pocket? If you make a joke about being happy to see me, I  _will_ punch you."

"She will, dude. She won't even blink," Logan confirmed.

"Oh, make the joke!" Robert said. "I want to see her punch you."

"Don't even think about it," Rory warned, narrowing her eyes. "What. Is in. Your pocket?"

"A surprise for the little one!" Colin said proudly. "Isn't that sweet of me?"

"The fact that you're asking us that before you give it to her automatically means it's not."

"Motherhood has made her grumpy, Logan."

"What's the present, Colin?" Logan asked.

"My, you're  _both_  testy."

"Colin…"

"Does she like animals?"

"Yeah," Logan said slowly, "why?"

"Because I found something from back in the day that I think she'll like…" Colin turned his back to everyone, pulled the mystery object out of his pocket and spun around. He was wearing one of the Life and Death Brigade's gorilla masks.

Hannah immediately started to scream and cry.

"No! This isn't scary! Huntzberger! I thought you said she liked animals?" Colin asked loudly, stepping closer to Finn and Hannah. "Look, baby, it's harmless!"

Rory jumped up and took Hannah from Finn, shielding her eyes and holding her head against her chest.

Logan lunged forward. "What's wrong with you, man? Back up! And take that thing off your face!"

"You said she liked animals!"

"Yeah! Cats! Puppies! Turtles! Ponies! Not giant, hairy gorillas! She's one year old, you idiot."

"Sorry!"

"And yet I'm arguing with a  _gorilla_! Why is that thing still on your fucking face?" Logan whispered harshly. "A child starts to scream and you remove the thing that scares her. You don't leave it on and move closer to her. What's the matter with you?"

Colin slowly propped the mask up on his forehead. "Sorry," he said again.

"Bad. Bad Buttercup!" Finn scolded. "Scaring an innocent cherub child. You should be ashamed."

"Take. The mask. Off. Your head," Logan seethed. " _Now_."

"Papa Logan bites," Robert said, holding in sarcastic laughter.

"Give me a reason to smack that smirk off your face, Robert," Logan warned, turning to his friend. "You're acting like you'd have more fun going to the dentist for a root canal. If it's such an imposition for you to be here  _and_ pretend like you're  _not_  suffering through the most boring college lecture of your life, feel free to leave and go to the dentist and  _get_ that root canal."

"Dude, what's your problem?"

"Logan," Rory interjected, stepping forward. "Take a breath. It's okay…"

When Rory stepped forward, it put Hannah within arm's reach of Colin's gorilla mask, which he was now holding shamefully, limply, at his side. Being that it was no longer attached to a head, its lifelessness rendered it harmless and Hannah stared at it, curious. All of the grownups were so preoccupied with the storm brewing in the claustrophobic apartment that no one noticed when she reached for it –until she gave it a good yank, pulling it right out of Colin's hand. It was fuzzy and it tickled her. The tension in the room was broken when her laughter rang out above all the raised voices. She released it from her fingers and watched it drop squealing with fresh delight when it hit the floor. The sound it made when it hit the tile was what made everyone stop and look at her, looking at it, on the floor. As she laughed her mouth fell open, and a dribble of spit fell straight from her lips onto the gorilla's rubber nose.

Rory and Logan slowly started to laugh with her, which was then upgraded to hysterical cackling when they saw Colin, pale and sad as his eyes darted between his mask on the floor and his friends' twisted child.

"This… this is not funny," he said stoically.

"Except, it is," Logan laughed, so hard that his back started to hurt, "it really is! You look like she –like she killed your pet! There, there, dear Colin! There, there!"

"And you said she liked animals…"

"She does," Rory assured him. "Better when they're not on your face, it appears. Maybe it was your  _face_  that scared her!"

"Wouldn't be the first time Colin's face scared a girl," Logan joked.

"You know," Colin sighed, "I go to  _all_ this effort to entertain  _your_ child, I scare her, I make her cry, you and Finn are both yelling at me, which makes me feel  _terrible_ and then  _your_ child gets  _violent_ , throwing  _my_  mask to the floor and then she has the  _audacity_ to find  _that_ funny –"

"Serves you right, for making her cry, you wanker," Finn chimed in.

"Wank!" Hannah screamed at the top of her lungs.

Everyone started laughing all over again.

"Get her away from me," Colin said lowly. "You know what, Logan? Your child is not that special."

"Oh, she's very special," Rory said. "This story is going to be infamous."

"You know what? No. She's not even that cute!"

"Whoa, Colin, take that back, man," Logan said. "You utter out loud once more that my daughter isn't cute, I'll let her spit on  _you_  next time."

Colin sat down at the table and proceeded to sulk.

"So, Robert. What's  _your_  problem today, huh? Why the sour puss?" Logan asked. "I'm in a forgiving mood at this exact moment, but you gotta talk, man."

"Nothing…"

"Oh, now that's a crock if I've ever heard one."

"It was supposed to be my thing!" he whined.

"Um… use more words. What was supposed to be your thing? What unknown thunder did I steal?"

"Oh, you know about it."

" _What_  do I know, Robert? Geez, I have deeper conversations with Hannah!"

"About the children!"

"What?" Rory asked. "Now _I'm_  confused."

"You shouldn't be, you know about it too."

"Know about what?"

" _About the children!_ " Robert repeated, bordering on shrill. "I wanted hordes of illegitimate children! Me! Illegitimate children were  _my_ dream.  _My_ goal in life –not yours, Logan."

"And I –I took that from you?" Logan asked, nearly chocking on the laughter he was holding in. "Dude, just because I had a kid doesn't mean you can't –have your –your hordes. We talked about this."

"Robert," Rory said, careful not to let her own laughter betray her, "you do understand the full, conventional meaning of illegitimate, don't you? When it comes to children, I mean."

"Yes, of course I know what it means, Rory," Robert rolled his eyes. "A child existing outside of wedlock. Did you and Logan get married?"

"Mazel tov, mate!" Finn said with a smile.

"We didn't get married, Finn," Logan sighed.

"Oh –then – _not_ mazel tov. No mazel tov for you."

Rory shook her head at Finn in bewilderment and then turned her attention back to Robert. "Yeah… okay… it does mean a child born out of wedlock –"

"See? And there she is, existing  _fully_ out of wedlock," Robert gestured to Hannah and slumped down next to Colin –who still had yet to speak, or pick his mask up off the floor.

"Okay, Robert.  _Traditionally_ , in  _addition_ to being born out of wedlock, illegitimate children are also almost entirely ignored by one or both their parents –their existence is hardly acknowledged, at all, ever. They're cast out. Forced to live in exile. Don't tell me you're unaware of all of Henry IIIV's daughters from his various wives that he essentially  _always_ ignored because he wanted a son so badly…"

"Oh yeah. That is true…"

"So, Robert," Logan said soothingly, feeling very ridiculous as he did so, "yes, Rory and I do have Hannah and no, we're not married. But we  _are_  committed to raising her together; she'll always know that her parents love her and don't regret having her. So, she's not really illegitimate. I didn't kill your dream man –there's no need to take that out on my daughter. The illegitimate child dream is still all yours –and very attainable! You're still young!"

"You're right," Robert sighed. "I'm sorry I was mean. Do you think Hannah can forgive me?"

"I think so, yeah."

"And don't listen to Colin –she's adorable."

"Thank you, Robert," Rory smiled.

"No she's not!" Colin said sharply, his head still down on the table.

"Okay, that's it. You guys have to get him out of here," Logan said.

"Let's go,  _Colin_!" Finn ordered, distain dripping from his voice as he yanked Colin up from his chair. "He's grumpy now, but he is sorry, loves."

"No I'm not!"

"You  _will be_ , you idiot," Finn said, pinching Colin's arm –hard. He turned to Hannah. "Goodbye my darling!"

"Byeee!" Hannah waved.

"Oh, be still my heart! Rory dear –"

"Good to see you, Finn," Rory smiled.

"Robert, grab the mask, would you? We can't leave that here."

"Right, got it," Robert said, grabbing it off the floor, careful to avoid the spit. "Good to see you both. Sorry I was such a jerk. I'll be better next time."

"I believe you, buddy," Logan laughed. "Take it easy."

When all three of them were gone and the door was shut behind them, Logan locked it and shuffled back over to the couch, collapsing next to Rory. "They are exhausting, aren't they?"

"So are you," Rory teased, stroking Hannah's hair gently as she drifted off to sleep.

"Not as exhausting as them, though…"

"Sometimes… yeah."

"Hey!"

"You make it so easy, Huntzberger."

"Say what you will –you can't tell me that there wasn't even a tiny piece of you that had a little bit of fun."

"I did," Rory admitted. "But I am glad they're gone. They can wait a while to come back."

"I can't believe Hannah spat on Colin's mask!" Logan chuckled.

"I swear, in the last year, I have never been prouder of this little girl than I was in that moment!"

"I hear ya. She's gonna be a sassy one, isn't she?"

"Yup. She'll inherit it from both of us."

"Oh boy…"

"Yeah. Oh boy..." **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wonderbly is a real thing, in case you all were curious. Customizable children's books. Adorable. And oh my goodness this is so much more fun now that Hannah is old enough to start having some personality! It makes lightheartedness and cuteness much easier to achieve.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I told you guys my life was insane and you'd have to be patient, I really wasn't kidding. I started writing this chapter yesterday morning. I hadn't had time to touch this since I last posted in February. My last exam of the year was on Wednesday and I start a four month co-op job on Monday morning. I'm hoping that work over the sumner will involve less that I need to take home, so even with thirty-five-hour work weeks, I still have time to myself to write semi-regularly. MY GOD I'VE MISSED IT! Clearly, because I wrote ten pages in less than forty-eight hours. Please don't give up on me. I'll always come back.

In the months after Hannah's birthday celebrations, it was like everyone let out a sigh of relief and managed to start finding their way back to a consistent set of normalcy. Jess was consistently busy at Truncheon, fielding new authors, expanding creative partnerships around Brooklyn and generally keeping the midnight oil burning –just like he had before his whole life got turned upside down. The pressure about Rory's book was gone, it was selling steadily, and she seemed to have put the idea for a follow-up on the back burner for now. He saw Hannah, Rory –and sometimes Logan- a few times a week.

When everything first happened, and he'd found out he wasn't Hannah's father, it broke him –which he wasn't prepared for. Jess remembered looking at Ella helplessly and asking her how he was supposed to handle the pain; he was terrified that for the rest of his life when he looked at that little girl, all he would feel was a strange mixture of torture, love and a broken heart.

Thinking of that day now, eighteen months after Hannah came into the world, he closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and actually chuckled it off under his breath. He was perfectly fine with not being Hannah's father and he loved the relationship he  _did_ get to have with her; it was probably better than being her father. It was a small miracle that he and Rory had found a way to be friends, with very little drama to complicate matters.

For Luke, Lorelai had always been a constant –and a crutch; for most of their young lives and again when Rory got pregnant, it seemed like she and Jess were destined to repeat Lorelai and Luke's pattern –down to the minute details. Elements of repeated history were impossible to avoid, Jess knew that. By choosing to be part of Hannah's life in such a way, Jess was voluntarily entangling his life with Rory's –and Logan's- and it wouldn't always be smooth sailing. But for the first time in over two years, the water in front of them seemed to be calm, and he intended to enjoy it. Rory was –and would continue to be- a constant in his life, but he knew in his gut that she would never be a crutch; he would never pine, whinge and wonder what could've been. That, like so many other things that defined his youth, was in the past; he was grateful for how it helped him become the man that he was today, but he had no desire to go backwards.

He wondered whether Luke had ever had that type of clarity about Lorelai, understanding that his life needn't be defined by the crazy coffee junkie woman; that he could love her, without her being all he saw of the world. Jess quickly surmised that no, his uncle never came close, and for that –as he was that things seemed to have worked out for the best- Jess felt sorry for Luke. In this one way, he was glad some influences  _didn't_ sink in. Jess made a choice, and he believed that Luke believed there  _was no choice._  In the end, choosing something is always better than feeling helplessly destined to do a certain thing, be a certain way, no matter how well it might work out. That was why Jess knew he could handle whatever this decision had in store for him better than Luke seemed to at times. He chose it, it didn't suck him in.

* * *

Rory and Logan had settled into a comfortable routine in the six months since Hannah's birthday. Rory split her time between Stamford and Stars Hollow, spending a week –sometimes two- in each place and then switching. It was so normalized that Logan found a bigger, two-bedroom apartment to rent as soon as he was confident that the routine was sticking. He expected more of a reaction from Rory when he told her, but she was surprisingly calm about it and she even believed it to be entirely rational.

They weren't ready to call themselves a couple, but they were acting like it. They were behaving like any couple in love, trying to figure out how to raise their child. Intimacy had even returned between them. Logan was relieved but treaded lightly, he felt like they were back at the beginning, in the discovery phase, getting to know each other all over again, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.

Rory was still seeing Dr. Bowman, but less frequently. Their focus shifted from the realities of motherhood to helping Rory carve a path back to some kind of career. Logan had means, and even told Rory there was no need for her to go back to work, but he was pleasantly unsurprised when that suggestion didn't go over well. "I won't rush it, Logan," Rory had said with a chuckle, "as is evidenced by me not having a job to run off to  _right now_. But it's time for me to find my way back to something."

"I agree, Ace," Logan had said with a quiet smile.

Rory marvelled at how unfazed her daughter was by the drama and turmoil that shaped her earliest days. Hannah was a happy, bubbly one-and-a-half-year-old with a sense of humour and a spunky attitude that scared her parents when they thought of what they had in store for them as she grew up. But they'd cross that bridge when they came to it; right now, they were staring down the barrel of the Terrible Twos and they knew Hannah would be a doozy; they were bracing for impact.

"So… don't freak out," Logan said slowly one day after hanging up the phone.

Rory looked up from where she sat on the floor with Hannah, lost in a sea of dolls, teacups and stuffed animals. "Oh no," she sighed, "what is it?"

"Do you – you wouldn't want to go to California for a week, would you?"

"California? Why –what's in California?"

"Honour. She wants us to come out for a visit and bring Hannah to meet her cousins."

"Logan, I don't know…"

"Remember this is Honour we're talking about, Ace. She's not my parents."

"I know that."

"Please, just think about it, okay? It might be nice –a change of scenery. Honour hasn't seen Hannah in ages."

"Okay. I'll think about it. But Logan, I –"

"This won't be like before. We won't go anywhere near any avocado trees, I promise."

"That's not what I was going to say," Rory said quietly, shooting him a sarcastic glance, "but thank you  _so_ much for that little reminder."

"Sorry," Logan said, embarrassed. "What were you going to say?"

She just looked at him.

"Stop thinking that. Honour is the only Huntzberger on our side, remember?"

"I know. But –"

"She said she'd come here, if that's better for us. But we don't have room for her  _and_ two kids. She really wants all the kids to hang out. Just think about it. It could be just what we need. It could be fun."

"Fun?" Rory questioned with a laugh.

"Nothing like the parties we used to throw, but yeah. Extremely small 'f' fun," Logan chuckled.

Rory was conspicuously quiet for the rest of the afternoon. Later that night, as they were getting into bed, she turned on her side and looked at Logan.

"So stern," he teased, brushing a stray strand of hair away from her eyes, "what'd I do?"

"You suggested we go to California for a week and God help me, I'm seriously considering it."

"Oh yeah?"

"Just for a week?"

"Just for a week."

"One week and then I want to come  _home_ –here –here and Stars Hollow."

"We'll pack light."

"We have a one-and-a-half-year-old, what is this 'packing light' you speak of?"

"You know what I mean."

"And I swear to God, Logan, if anyone or anything –including Honour- gives me the gut feeling of something being up, I –"

"We'll be at the airport so fast they'll see nothing but smoke clouds heading out the door."

"Okay."

"Okay… 'okay' like – like 'okay let's go' or 'okay I'll think about it some more'?"

"Okay," Rory smiled softly, "you understand and support the conditions…"

"One hundred percent."

"Let's go."

Logan grinned triumphantly and pulled Rory in close, kissing her deeply, slowly. He guided her head to his chest and started absentmindedly playing with her hair. "Thank you," he said earnestly, kissing the top of her head. "This'll be great, Ace."

"We'll see," Rory rolled her eyes. "Don't go putting your cart before the horse, mister."

"Me? Put the cart before the horse?  _Never!_ Only… only ninety-nine percent of the time. But  _this_ time –right now? I'd never dream of doing such a foolhardy thing."

"Good. Because I  _will_  rescind my acquiescence."

"Can't have that," Logan whispered seductively, capturing her lips once again.

* * *

"So, wait… what bet did you lose?"

" _Mom!_  There was no bet!"

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to figure out how you agreed to  _travel_  to see  _Logan's_ sister without losing a bet."

"Honour's not that bad, Mom. She's actually really nice."

Lorelai smiled encouragingly. "I never said anything about her not being nice. You and Logan have both told me about her and she –miraculously- sounds nothing like either of his parents. So, what's going on with you and Logan these days?"

"What do you mean what's going on?" Rory asked nervously, fidgeting with her hands.

"You're acting awfully coupley these days. Spending a week at a time with him, now you've agreed to go on a trip together; you didn't even bat an eye when the man moved into a bigger apartment –for you."

"Not just me. With Hannah, it just made more sense."

"Exactly my point. It's almost like you're trying to be a –"

"A family?" Rory interjected questioningly.

"Telling, that you answered my assumption – which may, in civilized circles be considered a certain form of question- with another question."

"Since when have we been civilized?"

"Now you're avoiding the answer."

"Mom," Rory sighed, "what if I don't –what if I don't have an answer?"

"You're talking to the queen of not having answers, sweetie," Lorelai said gently. "Not having answers isn't always a bad thing. Just as long as you're doing what  _you_ think you need to do to figure things out, and not what other people think you should be doing… not having an answer is all the rage as far as I'm concerned."

"By 'other people' I'm assuming you mean Logan."

"Not necessarily. Look, Rory – as long as you're okay with things and you and Logan are figuring things out together and not letting stuff get in the way when it comes to Hannah, it doesn't matter what I or anyone else may think, or how you define or don't define what you and Logan are. Once again," Lorelai sighed, pointing to herself, "the reigning queen of confusing drama-filled, label-resistant romances, at your service."

Rory laughed quietly.

"You seem happier than you've been in a while. Dare I say even cautiously optimistic?"

"Dare away. I'm trying. We're both trying. We're doing okay right now, you know? Walking on a few lingering eggshells, sure. But for the first time since all of this happened I feel like we might actually be able to figure stuff out. We can be parents."

"Honey, I've been a mother for over thirty years and I'm still trying to figure it out. And when it comes to your father –well, let's not open that Pandora's box today, shall we? Logan is not your father, I know. I'm glad for that. But I've seen Logan influence you too much before –"

"That's really not what's happening, Mom."

"I know," Lorelai said slowly, with a reassuring squeeze to Rory's arm. "I'm just saying, make sure it stays that way."

* * *

"You're going to California to visit Logan's sister… voluntarily? Did you lose a bet?" Jess asked, cocking a sarcastic eyebrow.

"Mama, bet?" Hannah asked, looking at Rory from Jess' lap.

"She lost, Banana," he whispered.

"Lose! Bananananana!"

"Stop it," Rory rolled her eyes. "My mom said that too. There was no bet. I didn't lose anything. His sister offered, Logan asked and I  _agreed_  to go."

"So… you didn't lose a bet, you just lost your sanity? How exactly is that better?"

"Jess. Stop it."

"Hey, I'm not judging."

"Yes, you are."

"You're right, I am. Just a bit," he smirked. "I'm sorry, can you blame me?"

"Yes," Rory said smugly.

"That's an awfully big chip on your shoulder there, Gilmore. That combined with more than one Huntzberger equals not anything a child should be anywhere near. Are you sure you don't want to leave Hannah with me for the week?"

"If you weren't mocking me, I'd think you were being sweet."

"I'm not mocking you; I'm slightly frightened for you. There is a difference, but I can see how you could confuse the two, with my biting, droll wit."

"Droll wit! Droll," Hannah mumbled from Jess' lap.

 _I hate you_ , Rory mouthed back at him silently.

"Droll! Wit!" Hannah yelled a second time.

"You are my favourite Gilmore girl, Banana," Jess laughed.

"Hey!" Rory said shrilly.

"Sorry," he shrugged, "she's prettier than you.  _And_ she thinks I'm funny."

"Me pretty," Hannah giggled.

"The prettiest. But your mom shouldn't let that go unchecked, Banana. No, she shouldn't."

"So, in fifteen years, I should –"

"Lock her up. Obviously."

"Right. But for now, it's cute…"

"Oh, the cutest."

"You don't have any faith that she'll be able to resist whatever version of… you… that she meets?"

"No, not a chance," Jess smirked.

"Please," Rory said slowly, "explain  _why_."

"I know what she'll be like when she's sixteen."

"How in the world could you claim to know such a thing? Do you have a crystal ball?"

"No, but," Jess leaned in close, "well, what is much?"

Rory straightened in her seat. "Yeah, I'll lock her up," she said with a single nod.

"Yup, you really will. While you're at it, keep her away from mini Logans, too."

"Oh God," Rory said wearily, "I really don't stand a chance with her, do I?"

"Between you and Logan? Not even a slim chance. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't bust your butt getting an A for effort. But no matter what you do, she's doomed to inherit the worst habits of both of you. Fun when you're between the ages of sixteen and –whatever in the world can be thought of as the proper starting point of the timeline for your increasingly complicated romance with the Porsche driving Blond Dick from Yale- but not so much when you're the parent, I'd imagine."

"Jess!" Rory said a little harshly but maintaining the twinkle in her eye, "I know for a fact that you and Logan like each other now – not only do you like each other, you  _respect_  each other."

"Sure we do –now.  _Now_ being the operative word. From the time that I met him twelve years ago right up until I saw him again before Banana came along, I still just thought he was a…" he trailed off and covered Hannah's ears. " _Dick_ ," he whispered very softly. "One whom, I understand  _actually did_ graduate from Yale… somehow. Until I saw him again, my assessment of his character remained as certain as the only two  _genuine_ certainties in life –death and taxes," Jess paused and took a deep breath, pinching Hannah's cheek gently, "but yeah – you and Logan don't stand a chance against this little one. And it's too late to deny paternity, much less embrace that good clean livin'. You and Logan are both royally f-u-c-k-e-d." Jess finished his sentence with a hollow, shocked look on his face. "I just spelled out the F-word. Oh my  _God_ , I just spelled out the F-word!"

"Won't be the last time you spell things out as long as this little one remains your favourite Gilmore girl. But when she learns how to spell –which she will, probably ahead of the curve- we're all in trouble."

They both started to laugh. Soon, Hannah joined in and they all just laughed harder.

"I've missed this," Rory sighed after they finally had to stop to catch their breaths.

"Missed what?"

"Laughing with you."

"Did we ever actually laugh? Maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but I don't think we laughed much."

"No, I guess we didn't. But there was the odd moment here and there."

"There was," Jess nodded.

"I don't know. Maybe I've just missed  _laughing_."

"So," Jess said, expanding his lungs and releasing a long breath, "California, huh?"

"California," Rory said, feeling a shockingly low level of anxiety, all things considered.

"It's none of my business, but from what I can see, you and Logan seem to be in a really good place; you have been for months. And if you say Logan's sister is on your side in this, it's not like I have any evidence to refute that claim with. But I'd really hate for her to turn out to be Alpha. If things seem off, get out. Alphas are bad. Don't let her fool you."

"So, if she's acting like an agoraphobic pot head I should –"

"Run. Run far away."

"Thanks for the advice," Rory deadpanned. "We should get going. Hannah, sweetie, home time. Let's go," she said, motioning to the stroller and reaching for her daughter. "Say bye-bye!"

"Bye. Bye. Bass," Hannah said with a pout, leaning into Jess. She emphasized the  _b_  sound so much she spat a little with every word.

Jess kissed Hannah's head. "Oh, bye-bye my beautiful Banana. I'll see you soon. Have fun in California and remember, if there's fighting, drop to the floor or run away, little one. It's okay to leave them to d-i-e."

"Bye Jess," Rory chuckled as she put Hannah in her stroller and turned away.

"Hey, Rory?" Jess called to her as she approached the door to leave.

"Yeah?"

"Good luck. In California. With Logan's sister. Just try not to kill anyone while you're there. Maybe I'll tell Logan to hide all blunt and sharp things," Jess winked, flashing her his trademark crooked grin.

"He told me his sister has a pool."

"Well, in that case, everyone should watch their step and assume that heavy splashes spell doom."

* * *

"She sent us a town car? A town car. She chartered a town car to get us at the airport," Rory said drolly.

"Ace, she's a Huntzberger. We have access to more town cars than people have pairs of underwear, it's really not a big deal," Logan laughed.

The driver greeted them with a pleasant nod as Hannah started to squirm in Rory's arms.

"Come on Nannah!" he said excitedly, taking her from Rory. "Time to visit Auntie Honour!"

"Auntieeeeee," Hannah squealed with glee.

They arrived at Honour's house about twenty minutes later. It reminded Rory of the McAllister house from  _Home Alone_. "This house is huge," Rory whispered to Logan.

"It's actually small –by Huntzberger standards. But, once again, you sound so surprised," he chuckled.

"How many people live here?"

"Honour, Josh, the kids Georgina and Rhys, the housekeeper, the nanny. My mom comes out to stay here for a few weeks throughout the year. She has her own room and en-suite."

"They have a live-in housekeeper. And a live-in nanny. How old are the kids?"

"Rhys is turning ten in March; Georgie is six."

"Right," Rory sighed sarcastically. "My, how the other half lives. Also –Rhys and Georgina? Did your sister give birth to babies or two curmudgeons in their mid-forties?"

"You're feisty today."

"Lack of sleep and cross-country flights with a tiny child will do that to me, sorry."

"Don't be," Logan winked, kissing her on the cheek, "I like it."

Suddenly, the front door to the  _Home Alone_ house opened with a flourish. "Oh, you made it!" Honour said excitedly, waving as she made her way down the steps. When she reached them, she slipped the car driver a five, "Inside," she whispered, before wrapping both her arms around Logan and Rory. "It's so lovely to see you, I'm so glad you came. How was your flight? You must be decidedly exhausted."

"Decidedly," Rory nodded. "It's good to see you, Honour," she said, fidgeting nervously and not returning the embrace. "Thanks for having us."

"Hey there, big sister," Logan smiled. "I've missed ya."

"I've missed you too. And who is this beauty?"

"Nannah, say hi?" Logan encouraged her, readjusting his hold on his daughter to turn her to face Honour.

Hannah waved sluggishly.

"It's Auntie Honour! Remember how excited you were to see Auntie?"

"Hi, Auntie," Hannah whispered, leaning into Logan.

"Sorry," Logan offered, "she's pretty wiped."

"Oh, don't be silly. I'm sure you all are. Go on inside, Josh will show you around and introduce Rory and Hannah to Georgie and Rhys. Dinner's not for a few hours, if you want to take a nap, try and kick the jet lag?"

"Sounds perfect," Logan smiled. "Aren't you coming in?"

"In a few minutes," Honour answered, miming lighting a cigarette.

"Honour, I thought you kicked that!"

"I did."

"What happened?"

"Georgie started taking violin lessons a few weeks ago, right when school started back up after Christmas."

"Oh boy," Logan sighed. "Hey, Ace, can you take Nannah, I'm just going to chat with Honour while she's out here."

"Logan…" Rory said, shifting nervously.

"Rory, I've seen this house a million times and Josh is as vanilla as they come. Go on, I'll be right in. Promise," he grinned, kissing her on the cheek as he handed Hannah off.

"Okay," she smiled subtly, returned his kiss and went inside.

"Rory seems good. I have to say, I'm surprised she agreed to come out here and spend a week in a Huntzberger house," Honour said, sitting down on the front steps with Logan, lighting a cigarette and inhaling deeply.

"She is good. Besides, you're not the scary Huntzberger," Logan teased.

"So, are you guys a thing again? Call me nuts, but you seem pretty lovey-dovey together."

"Honestly? I don't know what we are. We're in a good spot right now. We kinda just fell back into this relationshippy place after Hannah's birthday. It seems to be working, but who knows if it'll stick. It's like we're trying those people back on to see if they still fit us –if we know how to make them fit together anymore."

"Do you want it to fit?"

"Of course I do. But after everything we've been though in the last two years, I'm not about to go making assumptions or demanding answers. I don't have the right."

"Hannah's your daughter too, Logan."

"I'm not talking about Hannah, Honour. I'm talking about me and Rory. You'd do well not to equate one with the other. I love Hannah more than –and I know, no matter what happens, that beautiful little girl connects me to Rory. No matter what happens with us, Hannah will always be  _ours_ , but just because Hannah's ours… it doesn't guarantee that Rory and I will be an 'us'. I want there to be, but making that work… and for the rest of our lives… well, it's a good thing that 'the rest of our lives' only comes one day at a time.

"I hope we won't be so confused when Hannah's older, because neither of us want to be a source of confusion to her, in terms of how Mommy and Daddy feel –especially Rory. But right now, it's one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time. There are only small victories, no big ones; we haven't earned them, or even figured out where we might find them yet."

"And how does making a trip out to California to see your big sister rank in this small victory system of yours?" Honour asked quietly, stubbing out her cigarette.

"It's a couple little victories actually," Logan admitted. "It all adds up." He stood up and put his arm around his sister as they walked inside. "Now, you know what that means…"

"What?"

" _Nothing_  can go wrong this week. Or I'm screwed."

"Well, way to go, Logan! Why don't you just run into a theatre and yell Macbeth at the top of your lungs?"

"Shush. It'll be fine. You still got that pool?"

"Of course. Why?"

"Because I'm thinking, given the opportunity, Hannah might have a little bit of mermaid hiding inside her."

* * *

Rory was pleasantly surprised at how much fun she found herself having at Honour and Josh's house. Rhys was a bit of a brat, but Georgina loved playing with Hannah. Rory suspected that she'd be begging Honour for a sister as soon as they left.

As it turned out, Hannah did enjoy swimming – or, she enjoyed being held by Mom or Dad and being walked around in the water. Any time they tried to show her how to actually swim, she cried.

"I feel you, baby," Rory whispered to her daughter. "No one's making you, but we had to try, right? You're definitely my kid. Just wait until I show you what a hot tub is, huh? Yeah!"

No one said much about Rory being quieter than usual, and she was thankful for that. She explained to Logan that it didn't mean she wasn't having a decent time, but it was still weird for her, being in Honour's house; she kept expecting his parents to walk in and lose their minds, regardless of the countless times both Honour and Logan told her it wasn't going to happen.

On their last night, Josh insisted on doing a massive cookout in the backyard. He was short a few of the things he needed, so Logan offered to do a grocery run. The store was only three blocks away, but he ended up being gone for almost an hour.

"Hey, what took you so long?" Rory asked, concerned.

"Sorry," Logan said with wide, apologetic eyes. "The store was really busy. I wasn't expecting it to be –because who in their right minds would be planning a backyard cookout at the end of January? And then I remembered I was in San Francisco so  _everyone's_  having a cookout on a Friday night at the end of January."

"Well, I'd better get cracking," Josh smiled, "before we're held hostage by three hungry, grumpy monsters."

* * *

"Did you have fun, Ace?" Logan whispered drowsily halfway through their flight back to Connecticut.

"Yeah, I did, actually," Rory murmured, adjusting her head on his shoulder. "Thanks for convincing me to do this."

"There was actually surprisingly little convincing necessary."

"I'm getting soft, huh?"

"It seems that way, yes."

"Rhys is a brat."

"Zing! There she is."

"He is."

"Yes, Rory. He's a tad brattish."

Rory smiled, her eyes drifting closed.

Hannah stirred against Logan's chest. His arm had long since fallen asleep, supporting her there, so adjusting himself without waking her was no easy task.

"Do you want me to take her?"

"No, I'm okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. She's fine."

"But, do you want a break? Aren't you getting uncomfortable? Your arm must be numb."

"Nah. I'm actually perfect, just like this. Super comfortable."

"Liar."

"Get some sleep, Ace. If we move her, she'll just wake up. I've got her."

* * *

Two days after Logan and Rory left San Francisco, Shira arrived at Honour's front door.

"Mom!" Honour said in surprise. "What's the occasion?"

"London is hopelessly dreary. I desperately needed to see the sun. Do you mind?"

"No! No, of course not. You have a room for a reason. I'm –I'm sorry, I have to answer this," Honour said, reaching into her pocket for her cellphone.

"Not a problem, darling. I have to supervise them taking my bags out of the car anyway."

"How long are you staying?"

"Two weeks or so, if that's all right."

Honour nodded with a wide smile and excused herself. She ran into the kitchen once her mother was safely outside and texted Josh, who was picking Rhys and Georgina up from a playdate.  _My mom's here. Staying for two weeks. We have to make sure the kids don't tell her Rory and Logan were here. It'll definitely get back to my dad._

 _Good thing they like keeping secrets from Grandma then, isn't it?_  Josh texted back.

_The best thing. Start explaining it to them on the way home?_

_On it._

One might think that asking two small children to lie to their grandmother was not the best plan, but it worked. For two whole weeks, Georgina and Rhys said not a peep about Uncle Logan's visit with Rory or meeting their little cousin.

On the last night of Shira's visit, they all went to dinner at a nearby restaurant. Getting two kids out the door is never an easy task, even with three adults and a nanny to help. In the pandemonium, Honour left her cellphone on the living room coffee table chasing after Rhys. Shira was about to follow them out the door when she spotted it and darted into the living room to grab it. Picking up the phone woke its sleeping screen. Shira blinked hard as she registered the image of Honour, Logan and Rory smiling in the pool –Rory holding a child that she'd never seen before, but who seemed familiar all the same. The child was happy, with bright grey-blue eyes and a beaming smile, her matted, wet hair a little darker than Logan's. She had Logan's dimples and his ears. Her eyes wrinkled the same way his did when he laughed.

"Mom," Honour called, running back to the house, "have you seen my phone?"

Shira jumped as soon as Honour said the word 'mom', so she quickly put the phone –face down- exactly where she'd found it and stepped a few paces away, making sure to face the door. "Is that it?" she asked, pointing to the coffee table. "I noticed it there and was just about to come out and ask you if you left it. You beat me to it!"

"Thanks Mom," Honour smiled, grabbing her phone and shoving it in her pocket. "Let's go, the kids are hungry!"

"Yes," Shira said, swallowing a tiny lump in her throat, "yes, I'm hungry too. I shouldn't have waited so long to eat."

"Mom, breakfast was a long time ago. Didn't you have lunch?"

"No. I didn't feel hungry. I didn't think I wanted to eat. I –it appears I was wrong."


	51. Chapter 51

"Shira, what in the world is the matter with you?" Mitchum said, exacerbated, a few days after his wife had returned from California.

Shira -who'd been staring off into space- blinked hard. "What? What do you mean?"

"Is Honour all right?"

"Yes."

"Josh? The kids?"

"They're all fine, Mitchum."

"Well then why are you so distracted? You didn't give yourself heat stroke, did you?"

"No, dear."

Mitchum waited for an actual explanation.

"They're so far away," Shira said sadly.

"Honour's been in California for ages. Almost as long as we've been here in London. This has  _never_ bothered you before. Are you telling me you've missed your calling -that you want to be a hands-on, glorified babysitter of a grandmother? We had  _two_ nannies when Honour was a baby. Really, Shira," he chuckled.

"I know that Mitchum," she sighed. "I'm fine. It's fine. It's nothing. I'm going to bed."  _Honour wasn't our only child,_ she'd wanted to say,  _she isn't our only child._  But she held her tongue and downed the rest of her drink, because that was what everyone was accustomed to her doing –it was what people expected and what they got. She put her glass down with enough force that it made a short, sharp clap as it hit the table; she stood up, smoothed her skirt and leaned in to kiss her husband's head, but her lips barely touched him. "Goodnight."

* * *

"Why the sour puss?"

"Asks the woman who calls me Groucho."

"Would it be better if the woman's boyfriend asks that?"

"Yes, actually."

"Fine," Mike laughed. "Why the sour puss?"

"I have a date tomorrow night," Jess sighed.

" _Excuse me_?" Ella gasped. "When were you planning on telling us this?"

"And by 'us', you mean when was I going to tell  _you_ , right?"

"Precisely. Spill."

"Down girl," Mike chuckled.

"I'm waiting," Ella said, ignoring her boyfriend's comment but giving his hand a loving squeeze, without taking her eyes off Jess.

"Remember how Kristen's been wanting to set me up?"

"Greg's Kristen?"

"That's the one," Jess confirmed.

"You're  _letting_ her?"

"Unfortunately."

Ella giggled. "If you're  _that_ thrilled about it, then…."

"Look, she means well, right? She's been offering since –well, for a long time. I had to tell her  _something_."

"You could've told her no."

"I  _know_. What's wrong with me?"

"Looks like your heart's growing instead of shrinking, Mr. Grinch," she winked at him.

Mike was confused. "What's so wrong with being set up?"

"When you're me?" Jess asked. "Everything. Set ups are stupid. As soon as I agreed, I wanted to find a strait jacket for myself. I'm not the guy who says yes to setups."

"Apparently, you are."

"Look, this doesn't mean I think  _she'll_ be awful, I just –God, I must be insane."

"Nah," Ella said softly, "you're not insane. Promise. Change is as good as the rest, right? Is she your soulmate? Not likely. But as long as you're not repulsed by her –who knows, you might have…  _fun!_ "

Jess smirked and looked around. "Speaking of insane… aren't you tired of living out of a teeny, tiny suitcase, Mike? Just fucking move in with her already."

"We need a bigger place. This two-bedroom is meant for one person and a guest, not for two people to live in together."

"You say that like you've given this some thought, spitfire."

"Maybe we've done more than think about it," she answered quietly.

"Wait… are you… are you  _moving_? In? Together? That's awesome! When?"

"Should I be concerned that he seems more excited than us?" Mike asked sarcastically.

"Maybe," Ella said warily. "Anyway, Jess, don't get ahead of yourself, or… us for that matter. We're looking, that's all. We haven't even gone to see any places yet. But we're looking at listings, figuring out budgets –you know, the boring stuff."

"Now who's keeping secrets, huh?" Jess winked, kissing her forehead. He reached out to shake Mike's hand and yanked him into a hug. "She's your problem now," he whispered in his ear.

"I heard that, you asshole!" Ella shrieked.

Jess and Mike exchanged a look and everyone started to laugh.

* * *

"So, you're standing by your initial report?" Lane asked wearily. "You're sure?"

"Yes," Rory laughed, "California was good. I've been back for two weeks; when are you going to stop asking me that?"

"Until I'm sure."

"I thought the whole point of this exercise is that you want  _me_ to be sure."

"It is. But then I have to be sure that you're sure."

Hannah looked quizzically between Rory and Lane and started to giggle.

"It really was good," Rory assured her, "fun, even… when I finally let myself calm down a little."

"So, no additional Huntzbergers showed up unannounced, huh?"

"Thank God. When Logan was telling me that Shira had her own room at Honour's house and would show up to stay from time to time –I'm pretty sure I started hyperventilating."

"But, no sightings?"

"No sightings."

"It seems impossible, coming from that family, that Logan's sister could actually be a genuinely nice person," Lane mused.

"It's true though, she is. But I still find myself wondering how too."

"Mom! Can Hannah come to the park with us? We're going to make a snowman and go tobogganing!" Steve asked as he ran in. "Can she, Auntie Rory?"

"Pawk! Pway!" Hannah said excitedly

"I'll make sure they don't get too rambunctious with her," Zach promised.

"Okay," Rory smiled. "But you and your brother have to be gentle with her, okay? She's younger and smaller than you."

"We promise!" Kwan said excitedly. "Thanks Auntie Rory."

"No problem, guys. Have fun!"

"Let's go, Hannah!" Steve said, picking her up from Rory's lap and bringing her to his dad, who was standing next to her stroller, where all her outdoor layers were waiting.

"Make sure she doesn't get too cold, Zach," Rory told him. "She'll have good layers on, but she won't be running around like double trouble, here."

"I'll keep a close eye on her; as soon as she starts getting too cold, we'll come right back –won't we, boys?" Zach asked his sons.

"Yup! Right back!" Kwan nodded happily

"We promise!" Steve smiled.

About ten minutes later, Rory and Lane were alone. Both women took a long, slow, calming breath and revelled in the newfound silence. They knew it wouldn't last long. The brood would be back within an hour, at the most.

"So," Lane said after a minute or so, "you and Logan are good?"

"By 'me and Logan' I assume you're referring to our coupledom, which we have yet to  _explicitly_ confirm?"

"Yeah," Lane said simply, without a hint of judgement.

"We're good. Things are calm for the first time in –I don't even know how long. It's… nice," Rory confirmed, feeling a smile creep on to her face and entice the corners of her mouth upwards.

"I'm glad. I know it's just one thing at a time with you guys these days, but that's good too, you know? Anyway. If you're happy, I'm happy."

"I am happy. It feels so foreign."

"You deserve it. You both do, after everything you've been through. Enjoy it."

"I am enjoying it," Rory said, feeling her smile grow wider.

* * *

_I want to leave…_

Ella saw her phone go off during girls' night. She read the message and laughed. "Oh boy," she sighed.  _Stop texting me while you're on a date! It's rude!_

_Because I'm NEVER rude…_

_Jess._

_Relax. She's in the bathroom. And she's duller than watching paint dry. I want to leave, El._

"What is it?" Margaret asked.

"It's Jess."

"What's so funny?" Cristina asked.

"He's on a date. Apparently, it's not going well. He wants to leave."

"Wait, back up… Jess is dating? When did he emerge from under his rock?" Margaret asked.

"He's not  _dating_. He's on  _a date_ … important distinction," Ella explained. "It's a set up."

"Seriously?!" Cristina laughed. "Who decided to tempt the devil? Who did he  _allow_  to tempt the devil?"

"Kristen. Greg's wife."

"Rest in peace, Kristen," Margaret said teasingly. "It's too bad. I really liked her."

"You take your time there, El. Good luck dealing with… that," Cristina said, refilling hers and Margaret's wine glasses.

Ella laughed and let out a sigh as she texted him back.  _Jess, you can't leave._

_Yes I can. It's you who can't be stealthy. My legs work, remember?_

_You're an asshole._

_Shut up. You laughed. You know you did._

Ella smiled as she showed her friends her phone. Both Margaret and Cristina cracked up. "He's got a point," Margaret laughed. "You can't lie and pretend to be offended. He knows you too well."

"Yeah. You taught him to have that sense of humour, El. You taught us  _all_ to have that sense of humour," Cristina pointed out.

"Damn it," Ella giggled quietly.  _…Maybe. But you still can't leave._

_I'd pay the bill first!_

_You can lie and say your BFF is having an emergency. Us girls do it all the time. I can call you and be loud and hysterical; she'll definitely hear._

_That's what girls do, huh?_

_Yup. All the time. Cristina and Margaret are here. We could be hysterical times THREE._

_Tell them I say hi. As tempting as that is… you wanna know what guys do? You wanna know what I do? LEAVE._

_Assholes leave when women are in the bathroom, Jess._

_But they don't make sure the drinks are paid for and that there's a convincing cover story in place. See, El? Not an asshole._

_What's your cover story?_

_I just remembered… I have the plague and I think I'm still contagious. Thanks for the drinks though!_

_NO!_

Half an hour later, there was a knock on Ella's door. "Jess! What the fuck are you doing here? I told you  _not_  to leave while she was in the bathroom. Asshole!" she yelled, whacking his arm.

"Hey girls," Jess smirked at Cristina and Margaret. "You wanna tell your friend here to stop assaulting me, so I can explain?"

"El, stop," Margaret said, trying not to laugh.

Ella narrowed her eyes. "Jess Mariano –"

"Whoa, don't go hurling my last name at me like that unless you have proof I deserve it, spitfire," Jess said coolly.

"You're standing here. What more proof do I need?"

"She knows I left, thank you very much. I did what girls do."

"You –what?"

"I told her my best friend needed me."

"Why? What did you tell her?"

"You fell on your face," Jess said nonchalantly, easily and without betraying a hint of humour. He simply shrugged. "I couldn't possibly leave you on the floor all night. Can't have you lapsing into unconsciousness all by yourself, can I?"

Margaret and Cristina started laughing so hard they couldn't catch their breaths. "Well –well done, sir!" Cristina cackled, raising her glass to him.

"Thank you," he smirked.

"Asshole!" Ella shrieked, trying to hold in her own laughter.

"Would you relax? She's Greg's wife's friend. I'm like, three times removed from the situation. She won't be doing any fact checking. I didn't tell her your name. She probably doesn't even know you know either Kristen or Greg. But on the off chance that she  _is_ super thorough, I'll give you a heads up if you need a few bruises."

"How in the world would you ensure such a thing?"

"I'll tell you that wearing heels is a  _good_ idea for once."

"Thanks for the warning," Ella rolled her eyes.

"Well, I won't keep you. Enjoy girls night! Ladies," Jess smiled at Cristina and Margaret, "don't let her get so drunk that she tries to run any marathons. The most I need her –for authenticity's sake- is bruised, not broken."

"Goodnight, Jess," the girls said, laughing. "You're a legend."

"Why thank you. I try. G'night spitfire. Have fun."

"Jess wait," Ella sighed, smiling sympathetically, "I'm sorry it sucked."

"That's okay. It felt good to get out. Change is as good as the rest, right?" he winked.

"Yeah. Hey, if you want manly company, give Mike a call. Regale him with proof of why setting you up is a bad idea."

"You know, I think I will."

"Good," Ella smiled.

* * *

Logan returned from a long day at  _The_   _Stamford Eagle_  and let his head fall into his hands.

"What's the matter?" Rory asked softly.

"Daddaaaa," Hannah said as she reached for him.

Logan kissed his daughter's head and sighed. "Ace, we've got a problem."

"What is it?" she asked.

" _The Stamford Eagle_ … it's going under. I might not be able to save it," Logan answered quietly.

"But you spent a year… you  _did_ fix it."

"Yeah, I did. But we're haemorrhaging again. Have been for about six months."

Rory sat down next to him and blinked hard. "I don't understand. Six months? But, how –why didn't you say anything?"

"Because you were dealing with enough, Ace.  _We_ were dealing with enough. Things between us got calm again and I –I just didn't want to jinx anything. I thought I could fix it."

"Maybe you still can. I'll help you."

"Can you rewind the clock twenty years? It's 2019, Rory. There's no market for a pokey little regional newspaper. There's barely enough market for the  _Time_ 's and  _Tribune_ 's of this business."

"What're you going to do?"

"Bust my ass trying to save it. I did before. Maybe I can again."

"And if you can't?" Rory asked nervously.

"I don't know," Logan said gravely. "Try and find something else in this end of Connecticut, I guess. We'll see. But as of right now… you're asking me what I'm going to do? What  _we're_  going to do? I have no clue, Rory… I haven't the faintest clue."

* * *

About a week after his failed blind date, Jess came clean with Greg.

"Ella never fell, did she?" he asked knowingly.

"I never said Ella's name, how'd you know?"

"Basic deductive logic; there's only one friend any of us have who might need help if she fell on her face, and it's not because she's a sloppy drunk," Greg laughed.

"You didn't share your brilliant logic with your  _wife_ , did you?" Jess asked.

"Nah, but if Kristen asks Ella anything, she'll play along, no physical evidence necessary," Greg winked.

"She was a nice woman, Greggers; attractive too! Just a little… dull."

"If you're not interested, there's no use in prolonging the torture. I totally get it man. No harm. It's all good. Thanks for humouring Kristen."

"Happy wife, happy life, right?"

"Right."

"Well then, happy to help."

* * *

Mercifully, Jess' blind date never asked after him or the girl who fell; the whole incident was a distant fading memory within two weeks.

One morning Jess wandered into a second-hand and antique bookstore that was one of his favourites in Brooklyn. "Beware of  _The Great Gatsby_. I've read it a few times, because it's short and harmless enough right? Well, don't be fooled. I've read it  _five_  times –still trying to figure out what's so  _Great_ about  _Gatsby_ ," he said to a petite auburn-haired woman browsing the same clearance table as he was.

She laughed softly. "Maybe I'm drawn to enigmas."

"Enigma solved…  _Gatsby's_ not that  _Great_. You're welcome," Jess smirked.

"I wasn't referring to the character as the enigma. I'm much more intrigued by the enigma of  _why_ so many people  _think he's great_ ," she clarified with a smirk of her own. "I've read the book a few times myself and you're right. It's not  _terrible_ , but it's certainly nothing special. So how did it earn such a highly respected place in North America's literary canon?"

"Gatsby literally equals the American dream. At the end of the novel, he mysteriously dies, or disappears, depending on your reading. Ergo, the disappearance or death of Gatsby equals the death of the American dream, as personified by the stock market crashes of the thirties after the Roaring Twenties."

"Wow, you've got this all figured out, don'tcha…" she laughed, turned and faced him but stopped short when she realized she didn't know his name.

"Jess," he said, offering his hand with a smile. "I'm Jess." Whoever she was, she had a pale but rosy complexion, startlingly bright green eyes and soft, wavy, light auburn hair that fell to her shoulders. Her laugh was bright and melodic.

"I'm Kathleen. Nice to meet you Jess," she smiled. She liked how warm his hands were, how dark his eyes were; instantly, she found his lopsided smirk endearing. "So that was quite the analysis. Are you a college professor or something?"

Jess cackled loudly. "A  _world_ of no. I'm just a good old-fashioned bookworm. What about you? That's a pretty ambitious mission you're on, there –trying to figure out what made Gatsby great in the eyes of  _North America's literary canon,_  as you so eloquently put it.  _You're_ the one who must be a college literature professor. I'm just a guy who reads books."

"Well, now it might be even more embarrassing for me to admit that my answer is  _also_ no. I, too, am just a good old-fashioned bookworm. I wish I had a more interesting life story, but I'm just a gal who reads books. And thinks  _way_  too much about those books."

"There's no such thing," he assured her with a wink. "Don't let anyone put it in your head that it's remotely possible to think  _way too much_ about books."

"Okay, I promise."

"You better, or I'll happily beat up whoever is filling your head with such nonsense. I'm just surprised I've never seen you in here before. I come here a lot. It's my go-to for literary gems. And I don't have a terrible memory –if I'd seen you in here at some point before today, I'd  _definitely_ remember you."

Kathleen felt herself blush. Was he… flirting with her? If he was, he was doing it perfectly – friendly, warm, but not overblown or overbearing. Just… lighthearted and fun. If only every conversation a woman found herself in with an attractive stranger could be this pleasant. Suddenly she realized that she'd been silent for nearly thirty seconds and his comment implied the need for a response. "Oh! I, uh –I got lost in thought I guess. I do that sometimes. I actually just moved to Brooklyn a few weeks ago from Oregon."

"Wow, that's a long way."

"New job."

"That would be a pretty solid reason for coming such a long way."

"And a… well, an ex-boyfriend actually, who made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with me. Which freed me up to take the dream job I almost passed up because I was convinced I'd found my soulmate. That reminds me, I should thank him eventually –you know, for breaking my heart and leaving me free to chase my dreams."

Jess chuckled softly.

"I'm sorry, that was really personal, and I don't even know you." Kathleen felt her cheeks grow hot in embarrassment.

"No. Don't be embarrassed! I agree… you should  _totally_ thank him. Throw it back in his face that your life is great now that you're rid of him."

Kathleen giggled. "Well, anyway –new city, new job. I've been here about six weeks and this is the first chance I've had to scope out the best local book joints."

"Well, this is the cream of the crop in this area of the city. I'm in here a few times a month. You gotta commit to regular browsing –you never know what diamonds might be hiding in the rough."

"The collection really is impressive in here," Kathleen said, casting her eyes back to all the bookshelves.

"I guess I'll see you around then, huh?" Jess asked with a smile.

"Yup, looks that way," Kathleen grinned. "Especially to make sure I find those diamonds in the rough. Now I know I  _have_ to come back."

"That you do."

"Can't let them  _all_ get scooped up by people who aren't me."

"I think that's an  _excellent_ plan, Kathleen. Beauty and brains; sounds like you've got it all."

"If you say so."

"I barely know you, but I've got a hunch."

"And how accurate are these hunches of yours, usually?"

"Fifteen years ago, they sucked," Jess chuckled.

"And now?" Kathleen asked.

"Impressively bankable."

"Duly noted. Nice to meet you, Jess."

"Nice to meet you too, Kathleen," he smirked as he walked backwards away from her, a first edition of  _The Poisonwood Bible_ tucked under his arm. "I'd better run into you soon. I'm just  _dying_  to know what makes Gatsby so great, according to North American literary canon. I  _need_ to know why people think he's so great." He winked before turning his back on her, paying for his book and stepping outside into the cold February sunlight.


	52. Chapter 52

Things between Logan and Rory had been tense for a month –ever since he admitted that the  _Stamford Eagle_ was going under. Rory did her best to help, but she was rustier than she wanted to admit when it came to the nuts and bolts of putting out a paper. Her short stint at the  _Stars Hollow Gazette_ mostly involved keeping Charlie awake, letting Esther do whatever she wanted and reporting on silly aspects of Stars Hollow "news" –which was to say, pretty much everything. The  _Stamford Eagle_ was more complicated, and she hadn't been anywhere near a serious newsroom since graduating from Yale.

Logan was stressed; he knew Rory was upset with him for not being honest with her about the state of the paper and she had every right to be. But he didn't regret his choice not to tell her, he'd chosen to focus on the thing that was going right –which was, finally, his family. But the longer the situation persisted, the clearer it became that there was no turning it around.

By the end of March 2019 – about six weeks after Logan had come home that day with his head in his hands- the  _Stamford Eagle_ closed its doors. Logan stared at his phone for a few weeks; he spent entire days in the tiny den of the apartment he shared with Rory writing emails and making calls to anyone he could think of, trying to line something else up. One day Rory caught him just staring at his phone on his desk. He was cursing at it under his breath. "Come on, you bastard, you know you want to," she heard him whisper.

"Logan, who are you talking to?" Rory asked quietly one day, standing in the doorway of the den.

"No one," he muttered. "It's fine."

"Logan," she sighed, walking up behind him and wrapping her arms around his shoulders, "you spent six months saving this paper from the brink. You did –you saved it. Now it's gone under. It's not fine. You're not fine."

"No," he admitted. "I'm not. I'm scared shitless. I have to find something else.  _Now_. We can't live on the meagre earnings you make from Stars Hollow and Woodbury."

"No, we can't. But we'll be okay for a while."

"Rory…"

"Logan. You still haven't answered my question."

"What?"

"Who were you muttering to? Who's the bastard?"

"My dad," Logan sighed. "He's probably laughing and cursing my name right about now, making merry sport with his business buddies about how if I'd just listened to him, I wouldn't be in this mess. He's enjoying this, Ace. And he hasn't called to rub it in yet. The longer it takes him to start rubbing my face in it, the more nervous I get."

"Your dad doesn't even know where you live. He doesn't have your phone number."

"You think he can't snap his fingers and get it? Don't be dumb, Rory. He can find us any time he wants."

Rory blinked hard and stood up straight, releasing her hold on Logan's shoulders.

"Ace –I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just going to check on Hannah. I put her down for her nap a while ago," she said, pecking his cheek quickly. "We'll figure this out, Logan," Rory promised, pausing at the door and looking at him with sad eyes.

* * *

"How ya doin', little brother?" Honour asked gently when she was on the phone with Logan.

"How do you think I'm doing?" Logan asked sarcastically.

"I realize how easily you can forget this, but I'd be the one Huntzberger who  _doesn't_ deserve that tone, thank you very much."

"Sorry."

"Are you snapping at Rory too?"

"A little. I may have told her that Mitchum can track us down any time he wants. He doesn't need to  _know_ where we are –he can find out."

"Logan," Honour sighed. "It doesn't matter that that's true –why the hell would you say something like that? To  _Rory_? After  _everything_ you guys have –?"

"I know. I'm an idiot. Can we change the subject please? How are you? You called me, remember. What's up?"

"Why does something have to be up? I know what you're going through –can't a big sister just be worried about her little brother and call him to see how he's doing?"

"You can… but you rarely do. I'm not doubting you care; I'm doubting that's the  _only_ reason you called."

Honour's silence confirmed Logan's suspicions.

"What is it, Honour?"

"I would just like to make sure you know I had  _no_ idea she was going to do this, and I know the timing is suspicious but –"

"She? Who's 'she'? What are you talking about?"

"Mom…"

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine. But… she –"

"She what?"

"She sent a gift. A belated Christmas present."

"Okay," Logan said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "now I'm confused. It's almost April.  _And_ I haven't spoken to her in over a year. All that shit was  _last_ Christmas. How many prescriptions is she  _on_?"

"I know. Logan, it's not for me…"

"Well then who the hell is it for?"

"It's –it's for… it's for Hannah," Honour said quietly.

Logan felt his heart race. His blood was hot. " _Excuse me_? How does she even –?"

"Logan, I swear, I have no clue."

"Honour…"

"She was here," Honour admitted nervously. "Right after you and Rory left in January. I didn't tell you because it doesn't matter, you know I'd never –"

"And yet somehow her interest is sparked and she's sending belated Christmas presents. Rhys and Georgie?"

"No! We made a game out of it. They love keeping secrets from her, you know that. They kept score every night."

"Entrusting a rather important secret to two children who love lying to their grandmother –don't you think you should've come up with a better way of justifying this to them… ?"

"Logan, I swear, they didn't say anything…"

"Well then how  _the fuck_ –?"

"I don't know! I –" Honour gasped quietly. "Oh God," she whispered. As it slowly dawned on her, she felt as though she might faint. "The last night she was here, we –we all went out for dinner. After I was done wrestling Rhys into the car I realized I didn't have my phone. I went back to the house and Mom was standing there, right next to the table where it was. She just pointed at it when I asked her. What if she picked it up when I was at the car with Rhys, to bring it to me?"

"So what if she did? Your detail-oriented memory is even more confusing to me now than it has been every other time you remember details that don't matter."

"This does matter!" Honour yelled.

"Okay," Logan sighed. "Why?"

"If she picked it up… Logan," Honour said slowly, "the wallpaper on my phone lock screen is a picture Josh took, of you, me, Hannah and Rory in the pool while you guys were visiting."

Logan bit his lip and slammed his fist against his leg.

"I'm so sorry! But I don't think Dad knows."

"Honour, now is not the time to try and fix the bullet hole with a Band-Aid."

"Logan, I'm serious. I don't think Dad knows."

"How can you possibly suspect that she managed to do anything without him knowing, or worse, him pulling her strings to do it for him? Don't be stupid."

"I read the card."

"There's a  _card_? Christ…"

"' _Dear Honour,_ ' –"

"Honour, I don't give a fuck what she has to –"

"' _Dear Honour,_ '" Honour started reading louder, to drown out her brother's protesting. "' _Dear Honour: I know I am probably the last person your brother wishes to hear from, save perhaps, his father. I must also ask your forgiveness –you were not expecting this and probably do not appreciate being put in the middle, but I must try. I had such a lovely time with you and Josh and the children earlier this year… I couldn't help but think of the child I haven't spoken to, and the grandchild I know nothing about. Logan would probably never believe me if I told him that I wish things had gone differently that day – that I wish I'd had enough wits about me to say something… anything. But it's the truth. After spending time with you and the kids… ever since then there's been a sadness I cannot shake. Logan doesn't need to give me a second chance, goodness knows I probably don't deserve one. Since returning to London I've realized, with a heavy heart, I don't even know exactly where Logan is. Your father is the one with the connections that could find him, not me. The only person I know who knows exactly where he is… is you. I wonder if you might be willing to send this dollhouse to Logan –where ever he is- for Hannah. I think she might like it. I gave Georgie the same one when she was around the same age and she loved it, remember? Anyway, Logan might not even want to take it, when he finds out it's from me. And I suppose that is his prerogative. But I'm a lonely woman, who regrets what she's done. I'm half a world away. All I can do is try. If he agrees to take it, tell him I love him and Merry belated Christmas… I'm sorry it's so late. You know how they say 'better late than never'? Even if he never tells Hannah where it came from… if he gives it to her and she has fun playing with it, that's all that matters, even if I never know. Thank you for a lovely visit, dear. I hope to see you again before too long. Love, your mother._ '"

Logan was more stunned than he'd ever want to admit. He swallowed it and sucked in a sharp breath. "What the hell am I supposed to do with that Honour, huh?"

"I don't know," Honour admitted. "I just thought –"

"You just thought you'd call up your baby brother, whose business he's been busting his ass to save, just went under, to comfort him and also –surprise! Our up-and-down-like-a-yoyo mother whose had nothing to do with you for over a year ever since our dad called the mother of your child a whore… well, she's suddenly sorry! Here's a beautiful, expensive, dollhouse to tell you how sorry she is."

"Logan…"

"You want me to take it, don't you? You want me to forgive her."

"I don't  _want_ you to do anything. I don't care if you forgive her. Doesn't sound like she expects you to either."

"Well then why did you  _fucking_ tell me?" Logan screamed.

"She sent a goddamn dollhouse to my house, Logan. A dollhouse. A  _big one_. If you don't want it that's fine, I'll find somewhere to sell it. It's been here for  _weeks_  by the way. I didn't tell you because I do know what you're going through, but I thought it might cheer you up."

" _Cheer me up_? Now you're the one who's on something, Honour. How the fuck do you figure that hearing from our mother via a dollhouse and a sad note would  _cheer me up_?"

"Because she seems to be sorry. She doesn't appear to have involved Dad at all; and even if you don't take it, it's gotta feel good, knowing you coaxed some genuine remorse out of the woman."

"You shouldn't be leaving your phone lying around. And change your stupid wallpaper photo," Logan said coldly.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay?"

"You should be."

"Of course  _I should be_ ," Honour said pointedly.

Logan sighed. He stayed silent for a long time. "I'm a dick," he said finally.

"A little, yeah," his sister agreed, swallowing a lump in her throat. "Is there anything I can do to help… with the work thing, I mean?"

"No. I… remember the night of the cookout? The day before Rory and I left? I offered to run to the store for Josh and I was late coming back?"

Honour had totally forgotten until Logan started talking about it just now. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing. Forget it. I gotta go."

"Logan, I –"

"I'm sorry I was an ass."

"It's okay. I'm used to it."

"Don't get rid of the dollhouse… not yet."

"Really?"

"I haven't decided what I want to do about it –if anything- but until I decide… just, don't get rid of it yet."

"Okay. Bye Logan."

"Bye," Logan sighed and hung up the phone, unable to stop himself from feeling like he'd live to regret the entire conversation he'd just had with his sister.

* * *

Rory parked her car nervously. Last time she'd been here, it didn't turn out so well. But she was alone this time. And unlike last time, she wasn't here for Jess. She waited until she saw someone unlock the door and she snuck in behind them. Luckily, she still had the apartment number written down. A few minutes later, she was very timidly knocking on a door, willing herself not to turn around and run back to her car.

"Come in!" a voice from inside yelled pleasantly.

"It's Rory."

There was a beat of silence. "You can still come in," the voice said slowly.

Rory pushed the door handle down and stepped inside. "Hi."

"We gotta stop meeting like this," Ella said sarcastically. "I'm surprised you still know where I live."

"I wrote it down… kept the paper."

"How responsible."

"Do you always just leave your door unlocked like that?"

"I thought you were my dad."

Rory smiled. "Sorry."

"So –to what do I owe this nice surprise?"

"Oh, sorry," Rory laughed nervously. "I –I need your help."

"With what?"

"You're a writer."

"So are you," Ella answered questioningly.

"No, but you –you've made your own way as a writer. You contribute to magazines and stuff, but you have your own website too. A blog. That you make money from. Enough money to live."

"Have you been cyber-stalking me, Nancy Drew?"

"No! Of course not. I just, well –I've read some of your stuff. It's really good."

"Thanks," Ella said slowly. "Still needing backstory on what you're doing here though."

"Logan lost his job recently," Rory started to explain.

"That sucks," Ella offered.

"Yeah. Thing is, I'm working off and on at two small town papers. I just got back to it after… everything. And we were doing fine. But now Logan doesn't have a job; hasn't had for a few weeks. And the jobs I have… they're –they're not enough. Until Logan can find… I need to make more money."

"I worked my ass off for my business –no pun intended. I'm not looking for partners."

"No! That's not what I meant."

"Well then, what did you mean?"

"I want to know how to do what you did… start a website, a blog, and make money from it."

Ella sighed. "If you're looking for quick cash, this isn't the way. It takes a long time. Years."

"I know," Rory said, trying not to sound too disappointed –she did in fact know that. "But I have to do something. Will you help me?"

"I'm still not clear on  _how_  you want me to help you."

"Well, you always hear about people who make livings with blogs and YouTube channels and whatever. But you're the first person I've actually known who's done it."

"Look, Rory –"

"Ella, please."

"Fine," Ella rolled her eyes. "I just redid my website. New layout, fresh content, new sponsors. Read it. All of it. Read about the sponsors, click on the link of the webmaster who did it for me. If I'm going to help you, I'll be damned if you don't have a proper understanding of how complicated it is."

"Okay."

"You also need to figure out what you're selling."

"Excuse me?" Rory asked.

Ella grabbed one of her business cards and gave it to her. "To have an online presence that people will literally buy into, you need an angle. Who are you? Why should people give a shit about who you are and what you have to say over the twenty other blogs Google will spit out at them when they type in a search term? Why does what you have to say matter? What's unique about it? Who are you? Who do you want to be?"

"Oh… right."

"If you were smart, you'd ride off the coattails of that book of yours. That's largely how the public knows you. Do yourself a favour: don't reinvent the wheel."

Rory nodded. She was already overwhelmed.

"Call me next week; we can talk about what you think you might have to say."

"What I'm selling…"

"Exactly."

"Right. Okay."

"Read my website top to bottom. I want you to understand everything this genius idea of yours entails."

Rory frowned.

"That wasn't an insult, that was Brooklyn sarcasm."

"Oh! Of course."

"I don't keep things secret from Jess either. Last time you showed up here was… very different. I'm not helping you and not telling him about it. And if you guys ever have a thing that  _you_  try and stick me in the middle of, I'm done with you. Understand? I like you, but that's a line you don't cross. Also, Logan's a good guy, but I can live without a blow-by-blow of all your private drama. I have my own life. I don't need yours."

"Understood. Don't tell Jess I barged in here like this, please."

"Okay then," Ella smiled. "And if you don't want me telling Jess you knocked before barging in here, you better talk to him before I do and tell him you used the phone like a civilized person."

"Thank you so much," Rory said genuinely.

"Don't thank me yet," Ella laughed.

"You know what I mean."

"I do. But, you should leave now, unless you want to be subjected to a friendly but unrelenting interrogation from my dad and my boyfriend."

"Right. Gone," Rory turned to leave.

"Rory?"

"Yeah?"

"My phone number's on that card.  _Use it_ ," Ella said firmly.

* * *

"Hey," Rory said nervously.

"Hey. Why do you sound so –?"

"So, Ella's going to help me start a blogging website I can make money from."

"I –pardon?"

"Well, I don't actually know if I'll get to have a website, much less if it'll make money, but she's going to help me try."

"Okay. Did you call her?"

"Of course I called her," Rory laughed nervously. "How do you think I know she's going to help me? Logan lost his job; the paper went under –"

"I'm sorry."

"And what I'm doing isn't enough to keep us afloat. So, I need something that can keep me home with Hannah and I thought, 'I could blog! I even know someone who does that!' I talked to her yesterday and she said she would try and help. Is that gonna be weird?"

"For who?"

"You."

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

"Okay, good. That's a relief."

"Why do you sound so… are you okay?"

"I was just really nervous asking Ella for help. She's your friend. And then to have her agree and then, well –then I was nervous to tell you."

"Well, feel free to resume normal breathing. It's fine."

"Are you really sure?"

"You keep asking me that and I'll say no and then you're fucked.  _It's fine_." Jess was in the bookstore and he saw Kathleen walk in.

"So, how are you?" Rory asked, finally letting herself relax.

"I'm good. But I –I gotta go actually. Give Hannah a kiss for me. I'll call you tomorrow, we'll set something up for next week, okay?"

"Sounds good."

"Bye Rory." Jess disconnected the call and walked up to Kathleen, standing silently behind her. "Fancy meeting you here," he said softly.

Kathleen gasped and spun around, her hair brushing against his face. It smelled like Lily of the valley. When she saw him, she narrowed her eyes, "Were you waiting for me?"

"If I said no, would you believe me?"

"No."

"Too bad, it's the truth. You know, we see each other often enough in here, by accident, we should just hang out like normal people."

"And how do 'normal people' do it?"

"On purpose."

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

Jess smirked. "We're not in high school. If I was asking you out on a date, I'd be a man about it and make my intentions clear."

"You sure know how to disappoint a girl, Jess," Kathleen teased, her green eyes sparkling like peridots.

"Nonsense. We're still basically strangers. All we've done is run into each other a handful of times at a bookstore. How dare I be so presumptuous? I'm simply suggesting that rather than rely on happy accidents to see each other, we try doing it on purpose. No pressure, no expectations. Given how happy the happy accidents of running into each other are, I'm willing to bet that spending time together on purpose will be even better. If it is, believe me –I  _will_  ask you out on a date."

"What if hanging out on purpose goes well and  _I_  ask  _you_  out first?"

"I've always admired women who know what they want. I wouldn't be able to refuse."

Kathleen laughed softly. "Have you always been like this?"

"Like what?" Jess asked, smirking still.

"Charming. Adorable. Sweet."

"I've always been charming –when I want to be. Though adorable and sweet aren't usually the words people choose to describe me. That part's new."

"Lucky me. Tell me then, what words  _would_ people choose to describe you and why am I seeing something they don't?"

"Those are very valid questions. Ones I'd be very happy to answer…" Jess paused. "Over lunch."

"Lunch?"

"Lunch. Tomorrow. See that café across the street?" Jess asked, pointing.

Kathleen followed his finger and his gaze. "Yes," she chuckled. "One o'clock?"

"Perfect."

"See you tomorrow then, Jess."

"Where are you going? You just got here! You didn't even look at any books!"

"Just because you didn't come here  _just_ to look for me doesn't mean I didn't come in here looking for you," she winked, walking out the door backwards to hold his eyes.

When Kathleen was gone, Jess set a reminder in his phone to call Rory at eleven. That way, even if she was feeling chatty, he wouldn't be late for lunch.


	53. Chapter 53

"Greggers! I'll be back in a few hours," Jess called out, grabbing a light jacket.

"Where are you going again?" Greg asked, sticking his head out of his office and following his friend to the door.

"Lunch meeting."

"We don't have anything on the books…"

"Because it's not on the books."

Greg sighed. "I have a meeting with the printer in half an hour. I have to leave. I wrote  _that_  on our books."

Jess shrugged. "So we close for a few hours. No problem."

"Jess…"

"They're not lining up around the block, pretty boy. It's fine."

"Well, wait –who are you meeting?"

"If they turn out to be important, I'll let you know."

"We never talk anymore –if I didn't know better I'd think you were sneaking around," Greg teased.

"No need to be paranoid, dear," Jess winked.

"All right. Depending on how long we run I might not make it back in this afternoon."

"No sweat."

"Hey, you got plans this weekend?"

"Nothing solid."

"Kristen and I want you and Ella to come over for dinner. Saturday?"

"Ah! The renos are finally done!"

"Yes sir," Greg smiled. "And she didn't even injure me in my sleep. Not once."

"Always a plus. Have you talked to El?"

"Not yet. We were gonna see if Mike wanted to come too."

"Okay. Let her know if Mike's not around I'll pick her up."

"Will do. I'm off!" Greg waved as he sprinted down the steps and got in his car.

Jess paused before following him out the door, thought a moment and jogged back to his office. He took his phone out of his pocket and threw it on his desk. He'd left Rory a message around eleven and she had yet to call him back; rather than risk her calling when he was out with Kathleen, he decided to remove the possibility altogether. As he walked back towards the door, his trademark smirk crept across his crooked lips –it'd been years since he'd gone too far afield without a phone on his person. It felt very liberating.

* * *

"You did not!" Kathleen screeched between peals of laughter. She was cackling so hard her eyes started to water and her back muscles started to seize.

"I did. Although it's a good thing I didn't get the same reaction out of the crowd as it's gotten from you. It would've ruined my fun," Jess said with a smirk.

"Did they know it was you?"

"You mean did I admit to it? Hell no, that would've ruined  _all_ the fun. I'm sure everyone had their suspicions that it was me –I was banking on it. The only one who  _really_ didn't buy that I had nothing to do with it was my uncle. But the yelling from my dear uncle was worth it, to see the look on Taylor's face. I swear if Stars Hollow were an actual cartoon –"

"Wait… the town you lived in was called Stars Hollow? A place called Stars Hollow actually exists in the real world?"

Jess chuckled. "Have you seen Pleasantville? It's kinda like that, but weirder and less heavy on the racial symbolism. People rarely leave Stars Hollow –my uncle, for example- it's like the slogan from  _Cheers_ ; it's the place where everyone knows your name –and in many cases, your personal business too. Everyone is  _absurdly_ cheery and… kooky. It's like every stereotype of a small town that you can think of –they're all alive and well in Stars Hollow."

"So creating the outline of a dead body with tape was meant to fuck with them a little, huh? I'm assuming it worked."

"Oh yeah. If Taylor were a cartoon, he would've turned fire engine red and steam would've blown out of his ears."

"Taylor?"

"The town  _Selectman_ ," Jess said sarcastically.

Kathleen started to laugh again. "Mayor is a perfectly adequate title."

"I know, but don't ever tell him that. Anyway, I'm pretty sure that a decent portion of onlookers got a good laugh out of it, even if they had to appear horrified."

"Had you ever pulled any pranks like that before?"

"I'm a  _master_  at pulling pranks."

"It's amazing what the internet can teach you, huh?"

"Who said I needed to be 'taught'?" Jess asked playfully, winking.

Kathleen sighed, giggled and threw her soft bread roll at him.

There were a few minutes of comfortable silence as they paused their conversation to continue eating.

"What about you?" Jess asked after swallowing a mouthful of food. "Underneath that sweet, pretty exterior of yours is there a master prankster or a twisted sense of humour? The beautiful and sweet ones are rarely as sweet as they seem."

Kathleen blushed; the fact that he'd called her beautiful is something she wondered if he was aware she'd caught. "I'm not really that interesting," she said quietly, tucking a loose strand of her light auburn hair behind her ear.

"Oh come on! Do you know how hard it would be for people to have literally  _no_ stories?"

"Okay," she smiled. "What kind of story do you hear?"

"Whatever you want to tell me," Jess said softly, grinning.

"Well, it's nothing compared to taping the outline of a body outside on the sidewalk, but anytime my older brother would tease me or piss me off, I used to sneak into his room before we went to bed and put icepacks in the bottom of his bed."

"That's pretty awesome actually."

"And the best part for me was –you'd think after I did this a few times he'd learn to lay off, right?"

"He never did, did he?"

"No! It pissed him off to no end and he'd throw  _very_ colourful language at me when my parents weren't listening – I even told him, 'Your bed will no longer be an igloo as soon as you stop being mean,' and he  _never_ stopped."

"Boys are glorious idiots."

"Men sometimes aren't much better," Kathleen said sarcastically.

"Touché," Jess chuckled. "Well, if I ever start grating on your last nerve just tell me to fuck off. There's no need to chase me with icepacks."

Kathleen smiled. "I kinda like you. I really don't want you going anywhere."

Jess smiled back at her. "Well, that's a relief. So," he said, after a beat of silence, "aside from your brother being an occasional idiot and the two of you turning picking on each other into an Olympic sport, you guys close?"

"Yeah. I mean, we're not best friends. I never understood the my-sibling-is-my-best-friend dynamic. But yeah, we're all really close."

"All? How many other siblings do you have?"

"One more brother and a sister."

"Wow, that must've been somethin' else growing up."

"Yeah, our house was pretty much always chaos. But it was fun. My parents taught us all to never take ourselves too seriously –making our own fun was always way better than doing what everyone else was into."

"I hear that."

"Now I'm surrounded by my nieces and nephews and my brothers and my sister are raising them the same way our parents raised us. So, it's pretty crazy."

"Normal is boring," Jess smirked. "How many nieces and nephews do you have?"

"So far? Five."

"Wow."

"Yeah. What about you?" Kathleen asked. "Are you close with your family?"

"I –um, I don't really have a lot of family," Jess admitted. "My dad ran off when I was a baby. He's probably still selling tee shirts on a boardwalk in California somewhere. And my mom –I was… not an easy son to have and my mom really didn't know what she was doing, so she left me to my own devices a lot. The motherliest thing she did –if you can call it that- was to send me to a tiny town in Connecticut to live with my uncle. She couldn't really deal with me, or didn't want to, so I became my uncle's problem."

"Jess, I –I don't know what to say. I'm sorry I –"

"Oh stop," Jess waved away her concern. "Nothing to be sorry for."

"But, I –"

"But nothing. It's fine. I'm good. My uncle and I are good now and I have friends who are my family. You wanted to know why 'sweet and charming' weren't things people typically say about me –well, there ya go. I was an idiot. I learned. I grew up. It was a long time ago, it's really not a big deal anymore. I answered you, didn't I?"

"But I –I didn't mean to –"

"Stop," Jess said softly, reaching across the table to put his hand over hers, "really. It's okay. My lack of a happy family growing up does  _not_ mean you have to feel bad about telling me about yours."

Kathleen sighed sadly and stared at the table, but she made no move to take her hand out of his.

"Are you ever going to look at me again?"

Kathleen looked up slowly, until their eyes locked.

"If you say you're sorry one more time, I'm leaving."

At this, she cracked a tiny smile.

"There," Jess grinned, releasing her hand, "that's better. Now, let's turn that nervous smile into some confident happiness, shall we?"

"How?"

"Dessert," he winked.

* * *

Jess left his lunch date with a spring in his step. They didn't do anything more than flirt and talk. But the talking was  _good_. Reaching out to take her hand when she was upset was the most physical contact they had the entire time. They left without even making plans to see each other again. But he knew he'd see Kathleen again soon – and so, there was a spring in his step.

He got back to Truncheon, picked up a message from Rory and called her back right away. "Hey, sorry I missed your call; I had a lunch meeting."

"I missed your call first. We're even," Rory chuckled. "Does Friday work for you? Logan's going out with some friends for the afternoon, so…"

"Yeah, you got it. I can wrap up a bit early that afternoon and be out there by like, three?"

"Sounds good. Come to Stars Hollow through, not Stamford. I'm having dinner with Mom and Luke."

"I wonder what Luke would say if I crashed the party…"

"I'm sure they'd be happy to see you."

"My, how times have changed, huh?" Jess chuckled.

* * *

"Again!" Hannah laughed. "Again! Bass!"

"Hannah, that's enough baby. No more," Rory sighed.

Hannah looked at Jess with sad eyes.

"Rory, come on," he whispered. "What do you think I'm going to do, drop her?"

"Fine, Rory relented. "But stop spinning her in circles, unless you want to clean her up when she vomits."

Jess grinned at Hannah and she immediately started to giggle and screech. He ran up to her in two short strides and grabbed her underneath her tiny arms, scooping her up and sitting her on his shoulders. His hands still holding her steady by her armpits, he straightened his arms and lifted her above his head and tilted her forward slightly. "Wings!" he said excitedly. Hannah straightened her elbows and held her arms outstretched on either side of her, like wings.

"Me fly!" Hannah laughed.

"So, how's Logan doing? Holding up okay?" Jess asked easily. He wasn't even out of breath; if you weren't looking at him, you'd have no idea he was holding a small toddler inches above his head while he walked.

"I think so, yeah," Rory said uneasily. "I don't know. He doesn't talk about it much. He's not shutting me out… exactly… but he's not really talking about it much –or anything, to be honest."

"And you thought when I did that it was a pain in the ass," Jess laughed.

"Ha, ha. Anyway, he's with his Life and Death Brigade buddies tonight, so I figured Hannah and I would come here, spend some time with Mom and Luke. We'll go back tomorrow."

"His –his what?"

"Lie an Det Bwigad, Bass," Hannah said from above him.

"How – how, how… does she know anything  _approximating_ those words?" Jess laughed. "And you give me a hard time for lifting her above my head and letting her fly too much?"

"The Life and Death Brigade was like a secret society at Yale…" Rory started to explain.

"A  _secret society_? You're kidding, right? And here I thought The Midnight Society was the coolest society there was…"

"Anyway, he and his friends still use the term, that's all."

"Sure. Whatever you say."

"Can I fly allll da way to Loooooke's, Bass?" Hannah asked, moving her neck forward to look at his upside-down face.

"You like it up there, huh?" he asked.

"Ya. Fun!" she giggled.

"One flight, direct to Luke's diner, coming up!"

* * *

"So what's wrong with the dollhouse then?" Robert asked.

"Nothing –I don't know, I haven't even seen the damn thing," Logan said, staring into his beer glass.

"Wait, why'd she send it again?" Colin wondered.

"She's 'sorry'. Whatever that means," Logan sighed.

"Sorry for what, exactly?" Robert questioned.

Logan chuckled bitterly. "Everything? Nothing? She might have no idea. Your guess is as good as mine, man."

"Well, let's look at this logically, shall we mate?" Finn chimed in.

"Logical? You? The floor's yours –God help us," Colin laughed.

"Look, I can't tell you what to do and I'm  _very_ glad you have to decide that, not me… because  _yikes_  –"

"Finn…" Logan muttered through a clenched jaw.

"Nor can I hazard a guess as to what a remorseful Shira Huntzberger actually looks like, because, well… but maybe in her own way, she is sorry. I mean think about it –it's been well over a year, so the statute of fake remorse has since passed,  _long ago_ , for normal people, let alone your mother, whose statute of making something like  _this_  seem genuine –I hate to break it to you mate, but she just wouldn't.

"She was with your sister in California in January and Honour didn't really realize anything was amiss until the giant house showed up on the doorstep of her –her house," Finn laughed. "Right?"

"Okay, why does that have anything to do with –" Logan started to say.

"Because Honour would've told you if she thought something happened while your mom was there to blow your cover. She didn't."

"And Logan, if she'd said anything to Mitchum he'd never have let her send anything," Colin pointed out.

"Jesus Christ, since when do you guys have so much faith in my mom?" Logan asked bitterly.

"Who said we had faith in her?" Finn asked indignantly. "All I'm saying is that it's highly unlikely she'd go to all that trouble to pull your leg. Your mom's nice enough, but she isn't very bright, Logan."

"There's nothing to say this isn't a flight of fancy and she's simply trying to buy your love," Robert pointed out, "which is something she'd  _definitely_ do. But on some level, even if she doesn't understand what for, or how complicated it is, she probably is sorry."

"She may also think that buying your daughter a fancy dollhouse and sending it with a sad letter is enough for case closed. By now she might've reverted back to indignance because you haven't called her grovelling to accept her apology," Colin said astutely.

"Actually yeah, that's probably very true there, Logan," Finn agreed. "So basically, even if we happen to be right and your mom isn't in cahoots with the Dark Lord Mitchum, you're still fucked, aren't ya?"

"Gosh," Logan said in a flat monotone, "I feel so much better now." Her downed the rest of his beer. "Sadly, that's only one of my problems. Mitchum definitely knows the paper went under."

"Rory does too, hey?" Finn asked.

"Of course she does, you idiot."

"Sorry, just trying to keep track of the things we're allowed to say in front of her."

"Have you heard anything from him yet?" Robert asked.

"No," Logan said quietly, "that's what scares me."

"Jesus, your luck really blows," Colin sighed. "Oddly enough if the dollhouse from your mom has nothing to do with the timing of the paper."

"Thank you, Colin. I had  _no_ idea."

"This outing is getting depressing," Finn said sadly, digging in his pocket for his phone. "Time to lighten the mood."

Logan, Robert and Colin all rolled their eyes.

"Look at those beauties!" Finn said proudly, showing his friends an Instagram post of himself standing in a wetsuit pulled down to expose his sculpted chest, holding in each hand a Queensland lungfish, nearly five feet long apiece. "Before you accuse me of pillaging a protected fish, I threw them back."

"Why is your wetsuit half off?" Colin asked.

"The ladies wanted to admire my sculpted bod," he said, smiling proudly.

"Ugh, I think I might be sick," Robert said sarcastically.

"It does look a little like you have two giant silver dicks, Finn," Logan laughed, "with faces."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, Logan dear," Finn quipped, batting his eyelashes at his friend. "They can have tails too, if you like that kind of imagery."

"Those  _do_ have tails," Colin said.

"Precisely. But not nearly as nice as the tail they got me, if you know what I mean."

"Did you also tell these lucky ladies that the adage that applies to rear-view mirrors also applies in reverse to your… tail?" Logan asked, tying to keep a straight face.

"What's that, then?" Finn asked.

"Objects may appear  _larger_  in reflection than they truly are!"

"Oy! Logan, I will throw my beer in your face and send you home smelling like this  _bloody_  bar unless you take. That. Back."

"Rory's in Stars Hollow tonight, throw all the alcohol on me that you'd like."

"Besides," Finn said, putting his phone away, "it's not nearly so small for people it likes."

"Oh God!" Robert laughed. "Shut up, Finn! We don't need to be discussing your… size. Not all of us want to throw up tonight."

"Logan started it," Finn said crossly.

* * *

"Hey," Logan said groggily. "Did you just get home?"

"Yeah," Rory said quietly. "Did you sleep out here?"

Logan nodded.

"Why?"

"Might've been too drunk to find my way to the bedroom after the boys were done with me."

"Dunk? What that?" Hannah asked.

Logan grinned. "Nothing, princess. You don't need to worry about what that is for a loooooooong time, okay?"

Hannah sighed and nodded, reaching for her father.

"How was Stars Hollow? How were Luke and Orai? Hmm?"

"Good. Bass too."

"You saw Jess?"

Hannah smiled. "Ya."

"How was that?"

"He helped me fly," she said excitedly.

" _Fly_?" Logan asked, letting his eyes get wide. "How high?"

"Higher dan his head!"

"Wow!"

"All the way to Looooke's!"

"Sounds like so much fun!"

"Ya!" she nodded, putting her head down on Logan's chest. "Missed Dada…"

"I missed you too, Nannah," Logan whispered. "You too," he said to Rory.

"Did you have fun?" Rory asked.

"Yeah. But it's good to be home. Ace, we have to talk about some stuff."

"I know," she said, kissing the top of his head softly. "We will. But right now, Hannah missed her dad. What we have to talk about will keep until after she goes to bed tonight."

* * *

"Mike's sorry he can't make it guys. He got pulled into a meeting at work."

"On a Saturday?" Kristen asked.

"Apparently it's  _super_ important," Ella answered sarcastically. "He said he'd much rather be here."

"Next time," Greg smiled.

"Wow, this place looks awesome," Jess said, looking around. "Congratulations, Kristen."

Jess' comment caught her off-guard. Her blue eyes went wide. "For what?"

"Not killing your husband."

Kristen laughed and tucked a strand of her pale blonde hair behind her ear. "Yeah, it was really touch and go there for a while. But I kinda like him, so…"

Greg kissed his wife's forehead. "I'm not worthy of her mercy."

"Nope. He's really not."

"Dinner smells great," Ella said, smiling.

"It'll be ready soon," Greg said, "but before we go in and sit down…" he looked at his wife.

Kristen started nodding as a wide smile broke out across her face.

"Okay, what's going on? You're not planning our murder, are you? Because Ella and I can go," Jess said jokingly.

"I didn't actually tell you about the full extent of the renovation. It actually got more complicated only a few weeks before we were scheduled to finish," Greg explained.

"I'm not surprised. Renovations never go to plan."

"We had to add a nursery," Kristen said, smiling.

Ella looked at her friends, back and forth and back and forth again. They both nodded in confirmation and Ella felt her eyes well up with tears. "Oh my God!" she laughed. "This is amazing! Congratulations!" She and Kristen embraced.

Jess stood there smirking, almost to himself.

"You gonna say anything, Jess?" Greg laughed.

"You sure it's yours, pretty boy? You weren't so preoccupied with tearing this house apart that she was forced to get her needs met elsewhere, were you? Because that'd just be sad. And I'd kill you," Jess joked.

"You're very funny."

"Congratulations man. Really," he said earnestly. "You'll both be amazing. Kristen! Come here, you," Jess smiled, wrapping his arms around her as Ella and Greg hugged tightly. "Is that why you looked so shocked when I said congratulations?"

"I thought he blabbed," Kristen laughed, wiping away tears.

Jess kissed her cheek. "He didn't say a thing; no need to kill him. You're really gonna need him now. Once he's done babyproofing the house, he and I'll get started on the office. Truncheon's gonna be gaining a new little business partner soon."


	54. Chapter 54

"I don't have to –"

"Don't you dare finish that sentence. Yes you do. It's the opportunity of a lifetime."

"But I love you. I want to be with you."

"I love you too. But I love you too much to ask you to stay for me."

"You wouldn't have to ask…"

"You've been promoted to a project designer, that's  _huge_. If you don't want it, don't take it. But if you didn't want it –if you weren't at least thinking about it, this would be a very different conversation. We've been together for almost two years. I know you. You also know it'd be really hard for me to move to North Dakota, which is what makes this so hard. I wish it were easier. I wish I could just go with you. But we both know it isn't that simple."

"Ella…"

"Mike. Listen to me. That look in your eyes right now –how torn up you are- believe me, no one has ever loved me so much. But I also know how much I love you, and I cannot –I will not- be the reason why that conflict in your eyes never goes away. You –you can't stay for me, you have to stay for  _you_. I know you love me, but I also know what this opportunity means to you, I see that in your eyes too. I love you –enough to let you go."

"I wish you didn't."

"Love you?"

"Not enough to let me go, anyway."

"Is it really love if it's not tragic?"

"That's not funny."

"It is a little…"

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. You know who should be sorry? Fucking North Dakota, for making it next to impossible for me to move and keep my disability benefits. Believe me, if I could chuck these –these stupid wheels, I –wow –"

"What?"

"I've never hated it before, I had no idea that of all the things it could steal from me…"

"Stop it. Stop it right now."

"Can't help it. I'm not mad at you… I gotta be mad at something."

* * *

"Ace, the market sucks."

"I know, but Logan, just because the job you lost was with a newspaper doesn't mean you have to find another newsroom to work in."

"Even still, it's a tough market and I can't ride off the coattails of the Huntzberger name the way I used to."

"I know, I just –"

"There's no guarantee that when I find a job, it'll be in our backyard."

"Meaning…"

"Meaning, it's great that you want to start a website or a blog and it's great that Ella's helping you, but that won't pay all our bills and you know that. We might have to find a new backyard."

"Where?"

"I don't know. We'll just have to take it as it comes. I promise you, we'll figure it out together. We'll make our decisions as a team."

"Logan, I –"

"Rory, don't get yourself all in a twist over something that hasn't even happened. It may never come to that. I'm just saying, we need to be prepared. In the meantime, there are far more pressing matters that are much worthier of our undivided attention. Our daughter is turning two soon and she deserves a party."

"Funny, because I think due to the fact that she is turning  _only_ two, it doesn't matter so much to her whether she has a party or not. I think her dad wants there to be a party so that he can have an excuse to say he's throwing a party."

"Potato, potatoe. Doesn't change the fact that she only turns two once. What do you say, Nannah… do you want a party?"

"Partyyyyyy! I like party! Party funnnn! Can they be ponies?!"

"See, Ace? Our daughter wants a party."

"Poniesssss! Pony! Pony! Pony!"

"We also, apparently, need ponies."

* * *

"Bad news kid," Lorelai sighed, plopping onto the couch with Rory and Hannah, who were in Stars Hollow for the weekend. They'd be heading back to Stamford on Monday; since Hannah's birthday  _needed_ to have ponies, it only made sense to have it at the Dragonfly, where at least there were horses.

Hannah's party was two days away, on Sunday June ninth, two days before her actual birthday. Logan was planning to arrive at the Dragonfly first thing the next morning. He was spending the day Friday desperately looking for jobs and told Rory he'd rather stay behind to job hunt as opposed to do it at the Dragonfly and be distracted. It was better to arrive on Saturday and be able to devote his entire focus to Rory and Hannah –where it should be- for the whole weekend.

"What bad news?" Rory asked, holding Hannah securely under her little arms while her tiny daughter stood on her mother's legs and amused herself by bouncing up and down.

"There's like, a monsoon happening on Nantucket; Grandma can't make it to the party," Lorelai answered.

"But whatever do you mean? Hannah's grandmother is right here! Isn't she, Hannah?" Rory asked jokingly.

"Ya! Gammy Orai! Hi Gammy Orai!" Hannah answered, waving at Lorelai and smiling widely.

"Hardy-har-har, my smart…smartbutt child," Lorelai rolled her eyes. " _Your_ grandma wants us to come out in next month for a few weeks to visit her, so she can make it up to us. Think we can do that?"

"Don't see why not."

"No offence to Logan's… eccentric friends, but the lack of Emily doesn't exactly mean I want them here."

"Fair, I guess. But they are the closest friends he's got. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but they're actually pretty good with Hannah; she really likes them and they're just big man-children masquerading as adults anyway –they're really good at keeping her entertained."

"Ugh, you really want them here, don't you?" Lorelai asked, rolling her eyes.

"You say that like the eccentricity of Stars Hollow is suddenly highbrow."

"No one from here will get into drunken fisticuffs at a two-year-old's party."

"They won't. They can behave themselves for an afternoon. It might be nice, having built-in babysitters at a two-year-old's birthday party, that's all I'm sayin'," Rory answered with a smile and a wink. "Just think about it."

"Do you realize how staunchly you just defended Logan's friends?" Lorelai asked, a bemused smile on her face.

"Yeah," Rory said, furrowing her brow. "It's a little weird, huh?"

"It wouldn't be, if you weren't fighting for them to be at your daughter's birthday party."

* * *

Rory had called Logan and told him to invite Finn, Robert and Colin to the party; but instead, Logan clutched his cellphone, staring at his mother's London mobile number. It was about four o'clock in London; there was a reasonably good chance she'd pick up. He gritted his teeth and hit SEND. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. What am I doing? Fuck, fuck, fuck –"

"Hello?"

Logan's breath caught in his chest.

"Hello?"

"Mom," he said, barely above a whisper. "Mom, it's Logan."

Shira gasped quietly. "Oh, my –hello –hello dear."

"Honour told me about the dollhouse."

"Oh, I see."

"Thanks. For –thanks."

"You're most welcome. Does she –does Hannah like it?"

"I haven't given it to her."

"I see," Shira said sadly.

"But Honour told me about it and I –she read me your letter."

"Did she?"

"Yeah," Logan sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't call sooner, but I –I didn't know if I wanted to."

"I understand."

"I don't know where this leaves us, or if it even changes anything, but I did want to say thank you. For the dollhouse –for the… what you said in your letter. I'm not exactly sure what to make of it, but I –that took some courage. So… thanks."

Shira stayed silent and struggled to swallow the lump in her throat.

"Don't tell Dad I called you."

"I won't."

"Good. Okay. I gotta go –"

"Logan, wait."

Logan waited.

"Are you –how are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Mom," he lied. "Everything's fine. I gotta go."

* * *

"North Dakota?"

"North Dakota."

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"El, I don't have to go, I can –"

"Fuck you. It's Hannah's birthday party. Of course you have to go."

"I don't."

"Fuck. You. You're going. I don't want to be cheered up anyway."

"When…?"

"When did I find out? Or when is he leaving?"

"Both."

"He's gotta be out there by the end of the first week in January. I found out a few weeks ago."

"A few weeks ago?! Why didn't you –?"

"Because I didn't want to!" Ella screamed. "Jesus Jess, you don't need to know every little thing that happens to me as soon as it hits the fan."

"I'm sorry," Jess sighed. "I just, I could've helped –been there for you… sooner."

"Helped? Helped how? Waved your magic wand and found my boyfriend the exact same job in New York, or somewhere I could actually move to, to be with him? Can you work miracles and fix my crippled self, so that I could go to North Dakota with him and not have to worry about stupid shit like medical coverage and 'We're sorry you're lame, here's the bare minimum you need to survive' coverage?"

"Ella…"

"No. You can't do shit to help me Jess. You can't do anything now, and you wouldn't have been able to do anything a few weeks ago. So shut up."

"But he's going to look for a place to live –"

"That's right," Ella sighed angrily.

"You shouldn't be alone right now."

"Maybe I should. Maybe alone is how I'm meant to be."

"Ella, stop it."

" _You_ stop it, Jess. Go fuck yourself."

Jess clenched his jaw and let it go. "You can be as mean to me as you want, El. It's not me you're mad at. You're not even mad at Mike."

"Gold star for the guy who never even finished high school!"

"Push all you want. I'm not pushing back."

Ella said nothing.

Jess waited.

"How am I supposed to careen off a cliff if you won't push me?" Ella asked quietly, her voice breaking a little.

"The way through this is  _not_ running blindly off the edge of a cliff."

"Well, that works out well. I don't run."

"There she is," Jess said quietly, smirking.

"I'm sorry. I'm awful," Ella cried.

"You're allowed. Are you sure you don't want me to –?"

"No. No, I need to just be miserable right now without anyone to make me feel better. I'll call Cristina and Margaret if I need…"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Go. Have fun. Tell Hannah I say happy birthday."

"I love you, spitfire."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

* * *

"What a charming establishment!" Finn smiled, walking into The Dragonfly. "I absolutely adore this."

"Thank you," Lorelai smiled.

"Enchantè, mademoiselle," Finn answered, taking her hand and kissing it softly.

Lorelai took her hand back and struggled to maintain her smile. "Yeah, um… so, the party's through there, out back in the yard, everything's set up."

"Don't you want to know who we are?" Robert asked.

"I know who you are. You're Logan's friends. Rory told me you might be coming."

"And you are?" Finn asked.

"I'm Rory's mom."

"Impossible!" Colin said, a little too loudly.

"You're far too ravishing," Finn said seductively.

"Normally, I'd really enjoy such flattery," Lorelai said flatly. "But this is just weird. Party's out back. Please remember that the girl of honour is only two."

"So no spiking the punch, then?" Robert asked.

"No. Keep your flasks to yourselves, boys."

"Right. Yes ma'am."

"Lorelai. Just Lorelai. Do you two really not remember me?" Lorelai asked, pointing to Finn and Colin. "I've met you, the night I had to bail my daughter out of  _jail_."

Finn swallowed hard. "Oy, that's right…"

"Yeah. I'm not enchantè with any of you. Ask anyone, Gilmore girls are masters at holding a grudge. But today, I'll let it go, because  _apparently_  my daughter's kid likes you. So, rather than kicking you all out, I smile and say 'party's out back'. Don't push your luck today, any of you, or I  _will_ throw you out on your ass."

"Hey! You made it! Good to see you fellas!" Logan smiled.

Lorelai narrowed her eyes and left them alone.

"Yikes, she still remembers meeting you at the jail, huh?" Logan asked.

"Vividly," Colin whispered.

"Hey Hannah! Look who it is!" Rory said excitedly, coming in behind Logan.

"Finny Fanny!" Hannah squealed, running up to Finn.

"Hello my darling," Finn smiled.

"Finny Fanny," she said again, hugging his leg.

"What about us?" Colin asked expectantly.

Hannah looked at Colin and Robert. "Hi, hi," she waved.

"Finny Fanny's gonna stick, you know that, right?" Logan chuckled.

Everyone was enjoying the sunny warm day. Hannah was playing tag with Steve, Kwan, Davey and Martha while Sookie and Lane were in the kitchen getting the cake ready.

Rory and Paris were sipping Miss Patty's punch, catching up on Paris' latest news. Logan sat with them, laughing and joking, holding Rory's hand lovingly as they watched Miss Patty hit on Finn. Babette was trying to wear Colin down, and he was supremely uncomfortable.

"Honey, what's the matter? Why do you look so sad? Why are you in here helping me instead of running around with the kids and chatting with Rory?" Sookie asked Lane as she cleaned up the piping on Hannah's cake.

"Where's Jackson today?" Lane asked.

"At home. Our youngest has the flu."

"Ugh, summer flus are the worst."

"Lane, stop changing the subject. What's on your mind?"

"Nothing. Rory's so happy these days. I don't want to bug her."

"Good thing my chef's uniform says 'Sookie' then."

"Zach's been really distant lately. Disengaged from the boys, really moody with me… it started a few months ago. I thought it was just a phase, but it's slowly and steadily becoming an actual rut."

"Why isn't  _he_ here today?"

Lane furrowed her brow. "I don't actually know. He said he had stuff to do."

"On a Sunday, in Stars Hollow?"

"He's probably cheating on you. I barely know him, but you're too good for him anyway. I say dump his ass."

Lane startled and whirled around. "Jess! Don't do that!"

"Do what?"

"Walk into a room without making a sound and scaring the crap out of me!"

"Oh, okay. But the eavesdropping is fine?" he asked with a smirk. "The highly controversial assumption and intruding advice… also cool? Or should I, you know, 'edit' my thoughts?"

Lane laughed.

"I got a smile out of you, which means I'm probably not gonna get smacked, right?"

"Rory and everyone are out back."

"Hey Sookie," Jess said.

"Hello Jess," Sookie smiled.

"You ladies should take a break from slaving over food. No offence Sookie, but you know Hannah's only two, right?"

"Yes. You think that's enough to rein me in?"

"Absolutely not," Jess smiled. "Just thought I'd offer my two cents. Some people think I'm wise these days, you know."

"I'm sure," Sookie chuckled.

"Dump his ass," Jess whispered to Lane as he pushed the door open with his back and disappeared through the kitchen door, to the party outside. "Is it someone's birthday?!" he asked loudly when he got outside.

"Bass!" Hannah screeched excitedly. She yanked her hand free from Finn's and ran over to him. "Me! Me!"

"You? You what?" he asked, kneeling down to meet her eyes.

"My birfday!"

"Really?!"

"Ya," she giggled.

"Well, then how about we show everyone your superpower?"

"Me soopawer?"

"Yeah," Jess whispered, cupping his hands around his mouth, "you can fly, remember?"

"Ya! Fly!"

"Where to?"

"Mom and Daddy!"

"Excuse me, sorry to disturb. But does this girl belong to you?" Jess asked Logan and Rory after jogging over with Hannah above his head with her arms outstretched.

"I think she does actually," Rory laughed.

"Good thing!"

"Hi Jess."

"Hey Rory," he smiled.

"Jess!" Luke called from where he was standing at the barbeque. "You made it!"

"Of course I did! What do you take me for?" Jess shouted back.

"Best not say it out loud with so many children present!"

"How are you Jess?" Logan asked, extending his hand.

"I'm good, man. Same old, same old. You?"

"Oy! Who are you, mate?" Finn asked.

Jess sized up the Aussie standing in front of him. "Not interested in talking to you."

"You're very rude," Colin said.

"Because you're what, Mister Manners? Did you guys all buy matching Porsches or something?"

Paris stifled a laugh. "I knew I liked you, Jess."

"That's not what you said about two years ago, Paris. I'd say it's nice to see you, but 'nice' might be a stretch. It's… not awful to see you. How's that?"

"I'll take it."

"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw fire at the grumpy man in the baseball cap."

"Bass, where you going?" Hannah asked.

"Just over there to say hi to Luke and Lorelai, Banana. I'll be back."

Jess turned his back on Logan's friends, who were all ready to follow him and try to have the last word.

"Number one," Logan said, "remember why you're here. It's my daughter's birthday and she's  _two_. Don't be idiots. Number two, whatever fight you would've started with him, you would've lost. Let it go. Or do I have to remind you again who the two-year-old is here?"

"Me! I two!"

"That's right my girl, you are," Rory said, kissing her cheek. "Hey baby, what do you want to do first? Cake or presents?"

"Cake! But can we ride da ponies Mama?"

"Let's go ask Orai, and see if we can get sneak peek at your cake from Auntie Sookie!" She kissed Logan's lips tenderly before letting Hannah lead the way to the kitchen.

* * *

"Hey, Sookie," Jess said quietly as the afternoon was winding down.

"Hey Jess! Never thought I'd live to see the day you enjoyed yourself at a toddler's party," Sookie laughed.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "me either. Giving Logan's friends the gears doesn't suck either."

"It did look like fun! Anyway, what can I do for you?"

"Is there –I feel like such a child- is there extra cake?"

"Of course! How many pieces do you want?"

"Two. And… a freezer bag?"

"Geez, you wooing two different women with cake or something? The same cake?"

"Your cake. The best cake."

"It is the best, isn't it?" she asked proudly as she sliced the pieces, put them in separate containers and zipped them up in a freezer bag.

"Trust me. They deserve the best cake."

"Sure. There you are!"

"Thanks." Jess smiled and headed for the door. Hannah was sound asleep on Rory's lap as she talked to Lane. "Bye Banana," he whispered, kissing her head softly.

"Where's Logan?"

"Having a beer with the guys out back," Rory answered.

"Right. You can just tell him I said bye then."

"I will," she laughed. "I'll talk to you soon?"

"You bet. Lane," he paused, "sorry if I overstepped earlier."

"You didn't," she smiled. "It's fine."

"If you change your mind and want to come yell at me…"

"I won't. But thanks."

"What was he talking about?" Jess heard Rory ask Lane as he walked out the door.

"Nothing," Lane answered.

* * *

Jess knocked on Ella's door softly and waited.

"I'm fairly certain I told you to go fuck yourself this morning," Ella said sarcastically when she opened the door.

"Yup, you did. Such a fond memory."

"And made fun of you for not finishing high school."

"That too. You really had me on my toes."

"Jess," Ella whispered shakily, struggling to look at him with her bloodshot, swollen eyes, "I was awful, I know. And I'm sorry. But I told you, I don't want to feel better right now. I  _want_ to be miserable. Just get out of my line of fire."

"I will. In fact, I have somewhere else to be. But I went to the party, like you said."

"No offence, but I don't want to hear about it."

"Oh, I have no intention of telling you about it, don't worry."

"Then what do you  _want_?"

"To bring you the best cake you'll ever have in your life."

"That's a tall order."

"Good thing you're so short then, huh?" Jess winked, putting the container in her lap and backing away slowly.

"Thank you," Ella said, a tear escaping her eye.

"You're welcome. Get some sleep."

"Not likely."

"They didn't make sleeping pills a thing for nothin'! I know you've got some. Just promise me you won't O.D."

"Okay."

"G'night, spitfire."

"It's only six!"

Jess winked at her again and left.

* * *

"Shouldn't we have dinner before we have dessert?" Kathleen asked.

"Rules exist to be broken," Jess smirked.

"Nice apartment. Should I be nervous that you invited me here?"

"No. Because  _that's_ not why I invited you over. I just believe that when I happen to possess a piece of the best cake in the world, it oughtta be shared with a beautiful woman."

"The best cake, huh? You make this cake sound like the eighth wonder of the world. You might be overselling it," she teased.

"You joke, but you'll be sorry once you try it and you see that I'm right. You'll have to make me feel better after being so mean."

"Likely story. I bet you say that to all the girls."

Jess smiled and loaded her fork for her.

"You gonna feed me too?"

"If you want me to."

Kathleen grinned at him. Her green eyes twinkled in the soft light of Jess' kitchen. "Since you offered…"

Jess laughed quietly and leaned closer to her, carefully sliding the fork into her mouth.

Kathleen closed her lips around the fork and pulled back slowly, raising a palm under her chin to catch any stray crumbs. Her eyes went wide. "Oh my God," she gasped, moving her palm to cover her open mouth as she continued to chew. "That really is the best cake ever."

"I told you!"

"I'm sorry I doubted you."

Jess shrugged, handing her the fork and opening the drawer to grab another for himself. "It happens," he said nonchalantly as he took a mouthful.

"Where did you  _get_ this?" Kathleen asked, amazed that it seemed to taste better the more she ate.

"A two-year-old's birthday party."

"Really? How many two-year-olds do you know?"

"Just the one," he said, pulling his phone out and finding a picture from the afternoon, to show Kathleen.

"Aw, wow. She's beautiful. What's her name?"

"Hannah."

Kathleen smiled. "The only thing that sucks about being in Brooklyn is that my whole family's still in Oregon. I love them all so much and my nieces and nephews are the absolute best. I miss them more than my brothers and my sister, sometimes."

"It's 'cause they're cuter, right?"

"Absolutely. So, no offence, but how are  _you_ friends with a two-year-old, exactly? You don't strike me as the type that volunteers at summer camps. Or someone who made extra bucks babysitting."

"I'm  _so_ not that guy… none taken. She's actually my friend's kid. Me and her mom go back almost twenty years."

"Well, I can tell just from the picture –in fact, I'm not sure who's luckier to have whom, you or Hannah."

Jess smiled. "I never actually knew I was a kid person until she came along."

"You definitely are. You both look  _so_ happy and cute together. I can tell she adores you."

"Yeah, she's pretty great. Speaking of… well, the opposite of happy, actually –I'm still very hurt that you were so mean to me earlier –you know, by accusing me of lying about how good this cake is. I'm still waiting for you to make it up to me."

Kathleen smiled at him and reached out to take his face in both her hands. Without any hesitation, she kissed him softly, tenderly, relaxing into the kiss and deepening it rather than ending it quickly.

Jess was surprised, but reacted in kind quickly, wrapping an arm around her back and stroking it gently, pulling her closer.

When they finally pulled apart they were breathless, blushing and giggly, like a few teenagers.

"How's that for making it up to you?" Kathleen asked in a whisper.

"That works," Jess said softly, smiling and still stroking her back. "But I'm still not having sex with you tonight," he smirked.

"That's fine," Kathleen giggled before looking into his dark eyes. "Kissing's good."

"Yeah, kissing's good," Jess smiled.


	55. Chapter 55

“Hey, I need you to do something for me,” Mike whispered to Ella late one night before they drifted off to sleep. He brushed her bangs off her face and ran his fingers through her soft, short brown hair, cradling her head.

Ella was reluctant to meet his eyes. She could tell by the tone of his voice that he was going to start talking about the fact that he was leaving –that this perfect love she’d found had an expiration date. She never imagined that she’d be one of those women who went through a heart-wrenching breakup where there was no anger, just sadness. Forcing herself to stare into Mike’s blue eyes, she waited.  
  
“You can’t –don’t shut yourself off.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re –you’re not damaged goods. You mask it with humour and wit, but underneath it all, I know it’s a defence mechanism. You’re worthy of love. I need you to promise me that you won’t –”

“Don’t wait for you. Find another great love. Is that what you’re saying?”

“Yeah, I guess. But it’s more than that,” Mike blinked hard, thankful that it was dark. He hoped she couldn’t see the tears he was struggling to hold in.

“I know,” Ella whispered, reaching out to stroke his stubbly chin.

“Do you? If I could, I would transplant the job from Fargo to Brooklyn, so that I could stay with you. Always. Do you understand how much I don’t want to leave you?”

“About as much as I wish I could go with you. I know. But you have to do this.”

“I know. But I –I can’t handle the thought that you might not realize how amazing you are, and how much love you have to give. It sounds strange, I know… but you can’t live the rest of your life believing that I was your only chance. It’ll make me feel worse than I already do. You. Are. Amazing. You have to promise me that you’ll try to see yourself like I do… please.”

“Okay,” Ella exhaled a shaky breath and swallowed hard. “But –but can we not talk about this anymore? I can’t –you’re not gone yet, so I really just want to be here. With you. Now. I have to ignore the fact that you’re leaving because to think about it hurts too much. I don’t want to hurt. Not yet. Please,” she started to cry.

Mike leaned in and kissed her, long and deep, forceful enough for Ella to inhale sharply through her nose. He shifted his weight slowly as he moved to hover above her, never taking his mouth off hers; whatever sobs she had, he wanted to pull them from her and swallow within himself. She was right: he wasn’t gone yet, they were still together, and he was going to make sure she had no reason to cry for as long as he could.

One of Ella’s legs started to shake. Mike reached down and grasped her thigh with his warm, strong hand and massaged her gently, pushing weight through his arm and applying firm pressure. The shaking slowed, then stopped, but he didn’t release her leg. He reached for her right hand, which was clenched in a tight ball at her side; he covered her hand with his and waited. As he felt her skin warm up with his touch, he slowly coaxed her fingers open and pressed his palm against hers, forcing her hand open and her fingers to lace through his. When Mike finally released her mouth and he looked at her, he could see she was warring with herself.

“Just relax,” he breathed.

Ella tried to breathe. She couldn’t help but laugh. _Trying_ to relax never worked. Her body was a spastic mess that did as it pleased. “Sorry,” she said, suddenly short of breath and turning her face into the pillow.

“Stop it,” Mike whispered, kissing the side of her face and her neck. “This would be one of those things you think makes you damaged. But it doesn’t.”

“Really? Because I think it spells damage quite clearly.”

“Nah. It’s sexy.”

“Sexy?” Ella laughed. “You think having to untangle my disabled limbs is sexy?”

“You ask me that all the time, and my answer is always the same. Yes,” Mike said softly next to her ear, his hot breath tickling her. Slowly, he moved his hand up her thigh. When Ella closed her eyes and bit her lip, he laughed against her skin. “See? Sexy.”

* * *

“I wish you could come with us,” Rory sighed.

“I know. I’m sorry Ace,” Logan said, kissing her forehead and pulling her closer against him.

“This meeting of yours better go well. Otherwise it’s not just my wrath they’ll have to contend with, or Hannah’s. They’ll have to deal with Emily Gilmore.”

“If they value their lives, it’ll go well. I’ll make sure they know.”

Rory sighed and placed a hesitant kiss against Logan’s skin, right in the center of his chest.

“What is it?”

“What is what?”

“Whatever you’re thinking about right now.”

“Sometimes I still can’t believe that this is where we are right now. With a kid sleeping in the next room.”

“Tell me about it. Don’t even get me started on how she could possibly be two years old already.”

“Are you happy?” Rory asked quietly.

Logan sat up slightly in bed, so he could look at Rory properly. “Of course I’m happy. Hey, look at me,” he said softly, tilting her face towards him. “I’m happy. I promise. Where’s this coming from, Ace?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just –I feel like your life could’ve been bigger than this.”

“I’m exactly where I want to be. With you. Sure, we never saw it coming and we’re figuring it out as we go –but –”

“Logan, I’m not –I’m not trying to start a fight, I just –I can barely decipher my _own_ happiness from the fear and the overwhelming –so I’m not saying you’re not happy, I just… I’m just talking through…”

“I’m scared too, Ace. All the time.”

“You are?”

“Yes! Having a kid is fucking terrifying!” he laughed. “Especially for me –I have to make sure I’m the exact opposite of my own parents all the time. The last thing I want is for Hannah to be fucked up because I was raised by two fucked up people.”

Rory sighed and rested her head on Logan’s shoulder. “Oh my God, having a kid is terrifying,” she mumbled into his skin, relieved.

Logan stroked Rory’s cheek and tilted her chin towards him. “I’m terrified. But I’m happy. I promise. Okay?”

“Okay. Good. Me too.”

“You gotta stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Worrying that I want my life to be something that’s separate from you.”

“I’m not! I don’t!”

“As long as we’re both terrified, let’s be terrified together, okay?”

Rory nodded.

Logan leaned down to kiss her and pulled her on top of him.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing, Ace?” he breathed heavily, smiling devilishly against her skin. “I’m panicking. Is that a problem?”

Rory moaned softly against his warmth and forced herself to articulate the coherent thought that she knew was in her head somewhere. “No,” she whispered, “it’s really not. But Hannah just quieted down. What if she wakes up?”

“I promise, I’ll panic quietly.” Logan kissed Rory’s sternum and moved his mouth up to capture hers before she could protest.

The last thing Rory actually wanted, however, was for Logan stop.

The challenge was keeping quiet. They only managed it by keeping their mouths on one another, so that any noise was muffled by each other’s skin.

* * *

 

“Holy shit,” Greg sighed. “That’s rough.”

“Yeah,” Jess nodded.

“How’s she doing?”

“She says she’s – not _fine_ , but, she’s not as okay as she’s trying to convince everyone she is. She’s not faking it very well either. Anyway, I’m sorry to –I know you’ve got a lot going on, with Kristen and getting ready for the baby and stuff. But I thought you should know. Believe me, El shouldn’t have to be having that conversation any more than absolutely necessary. I know a little something about how hard it can be to have to say stuff out loud,” Jess muttered quietly. “If I can save her from a little of that…”

“No, it makes sense. Thanks for letting me know.”

“Anyway, Mike’s basically living with her until he moves. So I figure she wants to be left alone until… she’s left alone. After that, feel free to distract her with your cute baby and stuff; she’ll get sick of my mug after a while.”

“Does that mean if she tells you to fuck off, you’ll listen?”

“Not a chance.”

“The mark of a true friend,” Greg laughed.

“Damn straight. Anyway, you’ll have a baby. She won’t try to hit _you_." “Touché. We’ll all get her through it. She’ll be okay.”

“I don’t know,” Jess whispered, “I hope so.”

* * *

 

“This isn’t the deal you led me to believe you wanted to talk to me about,” Logan sighed.

“I’m sorry Mr. Huntzberger – did we _give_ you an impression that distinguished what we wanted to offer you from what we didn’t? I wasn’t aware that you could hear things I didn’t actually say.”

“Forgive me, sir. I mean no disrespect.”

“Thank goodness.”

“I just –it’s not just me I have to think about. I have a family to think about and this –this is… not something I can make a commitment on until I speak with my girlfriend.”

“Your _girlfriend_ would be well advised to trust you. Look, Logan, I’ll level with you –I don’t know _why_ , but I do know that the only other powerful Huntzberger I know of is quite content to make it as difficult for you to re-establish yourself stateside as he possibly can.”

Logan clenched his jaw.

“I take it from the look on your face that you know more about what I’m referring to than I do.”

“Yes sir. I do.”

“Then you also know _much_ better than I do that no one else is offering you anything. Are they?”

“No sir.”

“Your father is a brilliant businessman, Logan. But he’s a bully who thinks that everything the light touches is his.”

“I’m sorry sir… are you comparing my father to Mufasa from _The Lion King_?”

“My kids loved that movie growing up.”

“Yeah, it’s a –it’s a great one,” Logan said quizzically.

“Then you must know, your father is no Mufasa. He thinks he is, but he isn’t. He’s Scar.”

“Are we really talking about _The Lion King_ right now?”

“Take back what’s yours, Huntzberger.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not?”

“We have a daughter. My girlfriend and I. Her family’s all here on the east coast. We can’t just…”

“Sure you can! All it takes to bridge that gap is a quick flight! Besides, who doesn’t want to live in California? It’s a great place to raise kids! Do you know how many kids _wish_ they lived in California?”

“My daughter’s two. She doesn’t have many opinions on her desired locale yet. And my girlfriend… I don’t think you could find another woman anywhere who’s as uninterested in moving to California as she is.”

“This is how he’s able to control you, you know. I guarantee you, your father knows _exactly_ what you will and won’t do. And he’s playing you like a flute. You have to do something he won’t see coming.”

“That may be true, but even still, I –”

“I understand your hesitation. If I had something else to offer you that could keep you closer to where you want to be, I would –believe me. But pickings are slim –for people whose fathers _aren’t_ littering the path with landmines. This is the only opportunity I can offer you.”

“When do you need an answer?”

“Truthfully? I was hoping to have an answer before you left. But then, I also didn’t know you had so many factors to consider. I can give you one week. After that –it doesn’t matter how much I want to help you, I have to offer the job to someone who I’m reasonably sure will take it.”

“I understand. Thank you, sir.”

“Don’t thank me yet.”

Logan left the meeting in a daze. He pulled his tie off with such force that he felt a sting through the collar of his dress shirt. He walked like a man who knew that the path ahead of him would lead him off a cliff, but it was the only way forward, so all he could do was jump and hope like hell that something would break his fall –before the fall broke him. Without thinking twice, he hailed a cab to the airport and was desperately trying to book a flight to Nantucket.

            His heart dropped when he realized Rory would be thrilled to have him show up unexpectedly –that was, until he told her why he’d come.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is becoming somewhat broken record with me lately.... I'M SO SORRY YOU HAD TO WAIT FOR SO LONG for such a measly little chapter. But some chapters are better short, and I believe this was one. Things needed to be moved along and stakes needed to get higher, but all the issues brought up couldn't be resolved in the same chapter. I stand by my decision to end it where I did; Logan rushing to Nantucket to talk to Rory deserves to start the next chapter with a bang.
> 
> Ella's beautiful heartache deserves to be spread over many chapters. These two really love each other and this is the worst kind of breakup - no falling out of love, no comfort to be found in anger. Just the heart-wrenching pain of realizing that just as much as you have to sacrifice things for great love, sometimes you need to sacrifice great love for once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, sometimes you can do that without a breakup being inevitable, and sometimes you can't. Both Ella and Mike know this. There will always be pieces of them that belong to one another. Ella really is supportive of him taking the job, and the hard part is that she can't follow him out there.
> 
> And Rory and Logan in bed... well, it was sweet and romantic and it made me smile.
> 
> I have all weekend and I'm working from home Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week. I'm going to bust my butt to get the next chapter up by Wednesday. If not then, by next weekend for sure. My co-op contract got extended until December, so my weeks are pretty exhausting. I'm up before 6am and home by 5pm. and My weekends fly by and have been uncharacteristically full of ... you know, life stuff.
> 
> ANYWAY, I REALLY want to get the next instalment to you while I'm working from home next week. But once my weekends become consistently quieter and less with the hectic socializing, I really hope I can get around to posting at least semi-regularly. I miss the writing on a consistent basis more than you miss the good ol' days of finding an update on a regular basis.
> 
> BLESS YOUR PATIENCE!!


	56. Chapter 56

"Mrs. Gilmore. There is a guest," Berta said in heavily accented English, which, even after three years Emily could still barely understand.

"That's absurd. Everyone's here!"

"Non, ma'am. Someone else here."

"Who?"

"He say he know her," Berta nodded, pointing to Rory. "He say he name… Bogan?"

Rory turned to look at Berta in surprise. "Do you mean Logan?"

Berta shrugged.

"Rory dear, I thought you said Logan couldn't be here," Emily said.

"That's because he –he couldn't. He had interviews this week –meetings. Are you sure?" Rory asked Berta.

Berta shrugged again.

"She may not be sure, but I'm definitely here," Logan sighed, walking slowly into the room. He was exhausted from his flight and he was still wearing his suit, which was now wrinkled, sweaty and very sad looking.

"Dadda!" Hannah giggled, wriggling out of Emily's arms and bounding over to him.

"Hi Nannah," he smiled, scooping her up. "I'm sorry to show up so suddenly, Emily."

"Don't be silly," Emily said with a dismissive wave. "Now the reunion's complete."

"Logan, you look –" Rory struggled to find the right words as she looked him up and down. "I thought you had a meeting today?"

"I did. I went right from my meeting to the airport, which is why I look like… this."

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but –why? We're going back to Connecticut the day after tomorrow."

"I know. I need to talk to you."

"Is everything okay?"

"We should talk outside."

Lorelai's brow furrowed in concern. "Come on, Hannah," she said, getting up to take her from Logan, "come sit with me while Mom and Dad go talk."

"Daddy come back?" Hannah asked, looking at her father.

"Yes, I'll be back," Logan said, kissing her cheek. He put his hand on Rory's back when she stood up and walked over to him.

"Logan, what's going on?" Rory asked as they headed to the door.

Logan stayed silent and held the door open for her. When they stepped outside he took her hand and didn't say a word until they were well away from the house, staring at the water.

"Logan. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, Ace," he said quietly, absentmindedly tracing circles on the top of her hand with his thumb. He kept his eyes on the water. "He offered me a job."

"Oh my God!" Rory screeched excitedly, leaning up on her tiptoes and throwing her arms around Logan's neck and dragging her fingers through his blond hair. "This is so exciting! What's the job? When do you start? Come on! Tell me everything!"

Logan put his arm around Rory's back, though he barely touched her. He closed his eyes and let out a shaky sigh. "It's in Santa Barbara," he said quietly, flatly.

"What?" Rory gasped, her arms falling to her sides as she stepped back to look at him. His brown eyes were almost black.

"It's in Santa Barbara."

"California?"

Logan nodded.

"California," Rory repeated. It wasn't a question this time; it was like she was repeating it to convince herself that she did actually know the word, and what it meant, and where it was –like a child learning to memorize the points on a map.

"I have to take the job, Rory. I'm going to take the job," Logan said. That wasn't a question either. He stated it as a fact. A fact he was resigned to; a fact he knew would hurt her, that he wished he had a different answer for. But this was the only answer he had.

Rory's chin started to quiver as she looked at him. Her breathing became shallow and she felt white hot anger starting to seep in around her edges. "Wow, I'm so glad we talked about this and decided together that this was the right thing for us and our family."

"Ace, come on," Logan said, looking at her sadly. "You know I have to."

"No! No, I don't. You know why? Because you made up your mind before you even got here."

"It was a long flight. I spent the whole time trying to think of a way –any way- I could pass it up. I can't. I asked him if there was anything else; I told him that our home is here. On the east coast. There's nothing else, Ace. It's this or bust."

"Don't 'Ace' me, you bastard. Every time…  _every time_  I think you've changed –"

"Stop it," Logan said lowly. "You know that's not what this is."

"I do, do I? Tell me Logan, just so I can be sure.  _What is this_?"

"I want us to all go together, Rory. You, me and Hannah. It can be a fresh start for us. You can write. I can work. We can be a family. Did you actually think I was going to leave you to take a job?"

"Because informing me that your plan is to move us all across the country, without even  _asking_ is so much better."

"You can be a writer anywhere. The job I'm being offered –the  _only_ job anyone's deigned to consider me for is in Santa Barbara. Do you know how hard it's been? How desperate I am  _every day_  to find something,  _anything_ , to help keep this family afloat?"

Rory just stared at him, clenching her fists.

"Money doesn't grow on trees, Rory," Logan said evenly. "Not even mine. You seem to forget that the majority of my business has been in London. For a  _decade_. But since I'm fairly certain you don't want to move across the pond, California's where I have to go."

"So, while you were taking all of a few hours to decide that California is where you –I'm sorry, did you mean to say we?-  _need_ to go, did you also forget how to ask questions? Do you only speak in facts now?"

"You're acting like I'm asking you to move to Afghanistan."

"You're not  _asking_ me anything, Logan."

"What's so wrong with California?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes!" Logan yelled, leaning in closer to Rory. When he spoke again, his voice was measured; cold. "You want me to ask you things, right? What. Is so wrong. With California?"

"You mean besides the fact –"

"That it isn't Stars Hollow, or a stone's throw from it –yes, I do."

"Bastard," Rory spat for a second time.

"Oh! I'm sorry! Did I ruin the only answer you thought you needed?"

Rory said nothing.

"What's the matter? I remembered how to ask questions! Have you suddenly forgotten how to answer them?" Logan asked sharply. "Give me an answer that has nothing to do with taking you farther away than you'd like to be from the town where everyone loves you, and then we'll really be getting somewhere. You have no problem globetrotting when it's what  _you_ want to do. So why –why, when this is something I need to do to provide for you and our daughter the way I need to, and I have the  _audacity_  to assume that we can go together as a family –why is  _that_ when you start acting like I shot you in the fucking back?"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore right now."

"Now's when we gotta talk about it Ace – when Hannah's safely away from the line of fire," Logan said, blocking her path.

"Get out of my way," Rory said flatly.

"No."

"Get out of my fucking way!"

"No. Not until we –"

"Until we what? Talk about it? There doesn't appear to be anything to talk about. You want me to be okay with the fact that you made a unilateral decision that's great for you, but might not be great for me. I'm not."

"It's not a unilateral decision."

"If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a fucking duck, Logan. Why do you think it's not? Because you told the guy you had to think about it, even though you had your mind made up before you even walked in my grandmother's door? You've made your decision."

"Why are you so against us being a family in California? Why can't you even  _consider_ leaving the safety of your bubble unless  _you_ decide you want to? Why will you hurl your rage at me without mercy until I ask you  _why_ moving would be such a bad thing? You don't have a better answer than the one I took away from you, do you? So me turning my life upside down and happily giving up everything to be Hannah's father is great, because I came to you. But as soon as I expect you to come anywhere with me, for me, for us, to keep our family together, it's a problem. Nice, Rory. Real nice."

"Thanks for letting me know. When did you tell the guy you'd call him?"

"He gave me a week."

"So you didn't even  _need_ to come here! Call him now. Sleep like a baby tonight, please," Rory said, rolling her eyes and pushing past him.

Logan grabbed her arm, stopping her. "I don't know what you want from me. I'm tired of being nothing but your yes man, Rory. I shouldn't be doing all the sacrificing here. I love you. I do. Enough to stand here and fight with you. But sooner or later, you have to stop making everything my fault."

"Fine. I promise to only make things your fault that are  _actually_  your fault."

"What would you've rather had me do, huh? Call you from the guy's office and tell you not to bother unpacking your bag? Put you on a mystery flight and not give you any idea where I was bringing you? Or would you rather that I never came here, or went home? Would it have been better to send you a tacky postcard from the airport in Santa Barbara?  _These ocean views are amazing!_   _Ps_ :..."

"You really are a son of a bitch, you know that?" Rory spat.

Logan laughed bitterly. "Actually, I'm pretty much the son of no one. I left my family without looking back so that I could make my own –with you. I mean I know, world wars are more civilized than Huntzberger family relations, but still. You're all I have in the world Ace. You, Hannah, my sister and the Life and Death Brigade.  _That's it_. I gave up  _everything_  for you. And I was happy to. I am –happy to. But somehow –somehow I thought you'd do me the courtesy of meeting me halfway."

"Halfway? All the way across the country?"

"I really am starting to feel like a broken record here –what's so bad about that? What is  _so_ wrong with California, besides the fact that it's –one, not Stars Hollow or Connecticut in general –and two, that this isn't the only time I've suggested we move there?"

"You weren't making a suggestion then, and you aren't making a suggestion now."

"Nope. That's right! I'm standing here fighting with you for the good of my health."

"Could've fooled me."

"Holy shit," Logan whispered, laughing in spite of all the anger coursing through his veins. "You  _really_ don't have a better answer than the fact that it's just not what you want, do you?"

"And you really think there's nothing wrong with you flying to Nantucket to announce that you all but took a job on the other side of the country, do you? You think that by giving me the opportunity to be fooled into thinking that I had any part in the decision makes everything okay? I may be in the wrong, but that doesn't make you right by default." Rory tensed her arm and yanked it away. "Let. Me. Go. We have a whole week to fight about this before you call the guy and tell him the decision you made before you even left his office. But right now, my family – you know, the one you accuse me of being  _so_ selfish about- is probably wondering what the hell happened to us."

"Rory, we're not done talking about this."

"As of right now? I am. I came here to see my grandmother, not fight with you. But you should come back in. Hannah's missed her dad. When we're ready for round two, we'll let Jess babysit. Just think about how loud you'll be able to scream at me if she's all the way in Brooklyn!"

"Can we ever fight anymore without you bringing his name into it?" Logan shouted.

"Yeah we can! This has nothing to do with him!" Rory yelled, all the way back at the house at this point. "This is about you and me, Logan. It's not about him. It's about us. And as long as you and I are gonna fight like this, my mom's house isn't far enough away. I don't want our daughter anywhere near this! Is that okay with you? Or am I being selfish again? I'm having such a hard time keeping track…"

Ten seconds later, Logan heard the door slam. He stayed rooted in place, staring at the water. He stood there for at least five minutes before reaching into his pocket to yank out his wrinkled tie. He walked to the edge of the cliff that marked the boundaries of Emily's property and the beginning of the water. He found a loose rock –a big one- and picked it up, wrapping his tie around it, so that it looked like a misshapen –and very heavy- red ball ornament; the kind you might hang on Christmas trees. Logan tossed it up into the air gently, once. As it came down and landed in his palm, he leaned back and threw it, overhand into the water with such force that his elbow cracked, and his shoulder burned in pain. It landed in the water with a satisfyingly loud and heavy thud, water splashing up angrily before the rock, and Logan's tie, sank below the waves.

Taking a few deep breaths, he backed away from the cliff's edge and walked slowly towards the house. Logan and Rory were at an impasse; given how stubborn they  _both_ were, moving beyond it was not going to be pretty. But somehow, they would have to.


	57. Chapter 57

"How's my favourite Banana?!" Jess asked excitedly when he opened the door.

Hannah laughed and reached forward to hug his leg. "Me good."

"How was Nantucket?" Jess asked Rory.

"It was… good," Rory said haltingly. "Thanks for doing this. Logan and I have –stuff –stuff to talk about and Mom's swamped at the Dragonfly, so. And Luke's off fishing or –something, so."

"Sure, no problem. I've been overdue for quality Banana time anyway."

"Be good, Hannah, okay?"

"Uh-hu, okay Mama," Hannah nodded.

"You don't have to be  _too_  good," Jess whispered. "It's not really very fun."

Hannah giggled.

"Don't," Rory chuckled, smacking his arm, "the last thing she needs is you giving her ideas."

"You only minded me giving you ideas like, less than half the time."

"Yeah, and that's exactly why she doesn't need to hear it."

"Those goodies for me?" Jess asked, gesturing to the giant bag balanced precariously on Rory's shoulder.

"Oh! Yeah. Toys, diapers, food, juice, clothes," Rory nodded, sliding it off her arm and handing it to him.

"Holy…" Jess bit his tongue, "cow," he rolled his eyes. "This weighs more than her! I'm not going to need half this stuff, am I? It's an afternoon, not a week."

"Better safe than sorry."

"Whatever you say."

"Okay," Rory smiled, crouching down and reaching for Hannah's hands. "Daddy will come get you later okay?"

Hannah nodded.

"Logan should be here around five," she told Jess.

"Sure."

"Thanks so much for doing this."

"If you keep thanking me, I'm gonna start acting like it's an actual imposition."

"Right."

"Hey Banana! Wave bye to Mom! And then help me shut the door, okay? We gotta push  _really_ hard… it's so heavy!"

"Bye Mom!" Hannah yelled.

Rory had barely managed to wave before Jess' apartment door shut with a crash.

"All right! Awesome job!" Jess said, kneeling down to give Hannah a high five before scooping her up. "So, what do you want to do today, little miss?"

* * *

"I told Jess you'd pick Hannah up at five," Rory told Logan, slamming the door shut behind her and refusing to make eye contact with him.

"Okay," Logan said quietly. "So are we gonna talk about this?"

"That is what we got her out of the house for, but are we actually going to  _talk_ , or are you just going to dictate things to me some more?"

"I wasn't trying to –"

"But you  _did_. You always do. You'd be well advised, before you decide something will be great for the  _family_  that you actually  _ask_ your family first. What was the point, Logan?"

"Of what?"

"Of telling him you needed time to think about it when he wanted an answer on the spot? Of coming all the way to Nantucket when you didn't need to –we could've talked about it when I got home –a bonus of that week he gave you to think about it.

"But why? You told him you needed to think about it, that you needed to talk to me first… but that would imply that you wanted to  _discuss_  it –why bother doing that if you had your mind made up? Did you think you could fool me into thinking this is something that I agreed to, instead of it being something you decided and then just foisted on me?"

Logan sighed. She wasn't wrong. He screwed up. He sat down beside her and reached for her hand tentatively. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"No. You shouldn't have," Rory whispered, taking his hand without grasping it.

"That doesn't change where the job is, Ace. Or how we'll manage if I don't take it."

"Logan, there has to be something else…"

"But there isn't. I told you –I told you in Nantucket… even my reserves are going to run out soon. I love you, and I'm happy that you're doing writing for local papers here, I think it's great –but it's not enough, Rory. Your book is fantastic, but it didn't become a  _New York Times_ bestseller. Having a family, providing for a kid takes money."

"I know. Ella's helping me start a website for –"

"And that's great," Logan said earnestly. "But that could take  _years_ to start generating the type of revenue that we need  _now_. You know that. You're not making what we need. This job in Santa Barbara, it would be enough to provide for all of us. I'm in a position to make more money than you –money that we  _need_ , and you can keep doing everything you're doing now in Santa Barbara. I bet Taylor won't care if you write about Stars Hollow from California. It's not like you don't know what's going on in the town well enough. But the job I'm being offered  _can't_  be done from anywhere. It has to be done there. And it means we can be sure we're all taken care of."

Rory pulled her hand away from Logan. "What does that mean?" she asked, with an edge to her tone.

"Come on," Logan sighed. "Rory –you know all the things you're doing are barely enough to make ends meet. When the  _Stamford Eagle_ was still around, I wasn't making a lot, but we were okay. Now it's not; and soon, we won't be so okay."

"And?"

"And… unless you're going to get back to fulltime, regular work on a regular salary instead of a Stars Hollow or a Woodbury salary – and unless you can find that job and start it within the next few months… I'm –I'm not being –but I make more money than you, Ace. I can make more than enough money to look after us, a lot easier than you can. And that's the position we're in right now. It's what  _we_ need. Unfortunately, the way only way to do that is to go out to California."

"There you go again," Rory said, narrowing her eyes.

"Oh, Christ," Logan clenched his jaw.

"Yeah, 'oh Christ' is right. If you want to talk about this like adults, we need to have an actual discussion. You can't just make decisions for us. We have to weigh our options."

"THERE ARE NO OPTIONS! Don't you get that, Rory?" he screamed. "I'm sorry I ambushed you in Nantucket, I am. But the way I  _framed_  the issue doesn't change the issue. I wish there was another option to consider, but there isn't, okay? Mitchum's been sitting in his evil layer in dreary old London blocking as many of my options as he can. Do you have  _any_ idea how many meetings I've tried to set up  _anywhere_  between Maine and fucking Virginia, to keep us at least kind of close to here?! Do you know how many people never bothered to call me back? Or set up meetings to push them three times and then send me their regrets through a secretary?"

"No," Rory whispered.

"Exactly. No. You don't."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you ask?" Logan countered. "I'm not saying you don't care, but you've never  _really_ talked to me about it. You seem content to know I'm looking. That's all. You've never actually asked me how it's going or asked if there might be a reason why after all this time I haven't found anything yet."

"But… why didn't you try to tell me?" Rory asked again. "I know –before, I wasn't –but this isn't then. You could've said something, Logan. You could've given me a little warning that you were having to look that far away. Why didn't you?"

"I wanted to avoid… this."

"How do you know Mitchum's the reason you –?"

"It's the only explanation that makes any sense. And? Before I was offered the job in Santa Barbara, the CEO told me so."

"But… why? Why would he do that?"

"Mitchum?"

Rory nodded.

"Why do you think? You're not dumb, Rory."

"But I thought –I thought by now he'd at least leave you alone…"

"Mitchum's going to hold this grudge until he's dead. He enjoyed putting me through the ringer  _before_ all this happened. Seriously Ace –you know this –I mean, you shouldn't be surprised. The majority of people in the world don't have an idyllic town, where everyone loves them, to run to when things get rough. I chose you, and I don't regret that –but my father will make me pay the price until he's buried in the ground, and he'll sleep like a baby every night."

"I'm sorry."

Logan looked at her. He knew that what he was about to say would just stoke the fire, but he couldn't stop himself. "Are you?"

"Logan, how can you ask me that?" Rory questioned.

"Maybe because I don't actually know. I mean I know Mitchum and I have never been  _cuddly_ , but did you really think that him disowning me after I had to listen to him call you a whore, and worse –do you think it's just been laughs a-plenty? Or do you think it makes no difference to me because I spend so much time fighting with him anyway? Once again," Logan narrowed his eyes and stood up in frustration, "you never asked. For all the time I spent making sure you were okay, I gotta say, at this point I figured it would be a two-way street."

"Logan, that's not fair."

"I'm not harping on what happened then, Rory. I'm talking about now. You don't want to go to California, do you?"

"No, I don't."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?"

"That isn't a hard question. I mean  _why_?  _Why_ are you so against it that you won't even consider it?"

"I didn't know you were interested in letting me  _consider_  anything," Rory shot back.

"Is that why you don't want to go? Because I came to Nantucket having made an assumption rather than to ask a question?"

"Logan, our life is  _here_. All our help is here! My family, my friends – _your_ friends…"

"That doesn't hold up, Rory. Your family, Paris, Lane, your grandmother, Jess… they can fly out. We can come back. Besides, Honour is there."

"Santa Barbara is like five hours away from San Francisco!"

"Yeah, by car. It's hardly insurmountable, Rory. Honour would be there for us. You know she would."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Besides, we can hire help."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Because! No!" Rory shook her head "Logan, I can't just –just leave –"

"Let me stop you," Logan cut her off sharply. He leaned down, inches from her face. "You can. There's actually nothing stopping you. You don't  _want_ to. That's why you won't consider it. You get to be mad at me because I framed it wrong, but actually, you're more in the wrong than me here,  _sweetheart._ I apologized for my mistake. I'm  _trying_  to talk to you about it now the way I should have three days ago. But you –you won't budge, the mountain always has to come to you. So! When does your new job start, Ace?"

"What're you –?"

"You know! The job! The job you found that'll pay you enough to make this opportunity in Santa Barbara seem like peanuts. You don't want to go to California? That's  _totally_ fine – tell me all about the dream job that'll allow us to stay right here, and pay enough to let me become Mr. Mom –since hiring help is so reprehensible."

"You're a bastard, you know that?" Rory spat, angry tears welling up in her eyes.

"I know. You've made that  _perfectly_ clear over the past few days. I'm so sorry that I love you so much. I'm so sorry that keeping this family together is so important to me."

"I'm sorry I've made your life so unbearable."

"That's not even –but why am I the only who has to swallow it, huh? Why am I the only one left having to do things that I don't want to do?"

And the fighting continued –went around and around, for hours. Doors were slammed, tears were shed, voices went hoarse. Problem was, they were so busy fighting that neither Rory nor Logan paused for long enough to notice –let alone check- what time it was.

* * *

Jess and Hannah spent the afternoon watching cartoons, having snacks and exploring the neighbourhood. It was a hot day in late July and when they got back from their walk around four thirty, Hannah fell asleep.

Jess wandered into his bedroom when he was sure Hannah was out, just to rest his eyes. He must have fallen asleep, because he woke with a start when he heard the faintest knock on his door. Checking his phone, he saw that it was just after six –and, he'd missed half a dozen texts and a phone call from Kathleen. "Shit," he whispered to himself.

He forced his eyes to focus as he quickly checked his text and call log again. Nothing from Rory or Logan.

There was another knock on the door. He jumped up and ran to the door quietly, opening it without a sound.

Kathleen stood, nervous and fidgety. "Oh my God!" she gasped. "Are you okay? I thought we were supposed to meet like an hour ago! You didn't pick up your phone or answer any of my texts. So I just –I just came here. Are you okay?"

Jess clenched his jaw and reached to hug her. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm fine."

"But –then –what happened?"

Silently, he took her hand and laced their fingers together, putting his finger to his lips for her to stay quiet.

Kathleen nodded and waited.

Jess opened his door and led the way through, pausing once they were over the threshold and pointing to Hannah, sound asleep under her favourite blanket on the couch. "Her dad was supposed to come get her at five," he started to explain when they were in his bedroom, the door closed but for a tiny crack. "We were out walking around and we got back here –I guess it was four thirty- and she fell asleep. I came in here to lie down and I guess I zonked out. I woke up when you knocked on the door. I'm so sorry, Kathleen."

"It's okay. I'm just glad everything's all right."

"It might not be."

"What do you mean?"

"I told you –Logan –her dad- Rory told me he'd come to get her at five. It's after six. I checked my phone when I woke up. Neither of them called –just you."

"Well," Kathleen said softly, sitting down next to him, "call them. Maybe they just lost track of time. It does happen. Maybe they fell asleep," she teased.

Jess managed the smallest smirk before pulling out his phone and dialing Logan. No answer. He tried Rory next. No answer. "Nothing," he sighed.

"Is there someone else who can get her, or check on your friends?"

Luke was fishing. Lorelai was swamped at the Dragonfly –even if she wasn't swamped, Jess only had the house number and he knew she wouldn't be home. He didn't have Lane's number. "No," he said, letting his head sink into his hands.

"Well then, you're going to have to go."

"How? I don't have a car seat."

"You don't need one. I'll stay with her."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"It's a good thing I'm offering then, huh?" she winked.

"Kathleen."

"Jess…"

"They're all the way in Connecticut. It's not like it's a quick jaunt around the corner."

"Oh please. It's not  _that far_ , or Hannah wouldn't have been here with you for the afternoon to begin with. Besides, you said yourself there's no one else you can get a hold of to get a hold of her parents.  _Someone_ has to make sure that cutie's not an orphan; I can't go, I don't even know who I'd be looking for. But you know what I do know?"

"What?" Jess asked, smirking again in spite of his worry.

"How to look after a two-year-old. Besides, she's asleep," Kathleen smiled.

"She'll wake up."

"Oh  _no!_ Whatever will I do without you to save me?!"

"She doesn't know you."

"I can tell her my name, and that I'm your friend. She's two, right? I don't think she's mastered any advanced interrogation techniques quite yet."

"You'll tell her you're my friend, huh?"

"Yup. If she gets scared, I'll call you and let her talk to you."

"Is that all I am? Your friend?"

"Would you like me to tell something else to the groggy toddler who won't expect you to be gone at all?"

"I'm not asking for her. I'm asking selfishly."

"That depends."

"On what?"

"If we find ourselves unlikely guardians of an orphaned two-year-old. Then we might have to just be friends."

"She's not an orphan."

"Then who am I?"

"You're my good karma," Jess whispered, capturing Kathleen's lips with his. His kiss was gentle, but deep, and long. He wanted to make sure she felt it –everywhere.

Giving her hand a loving squeeze when he finally made himself pull away, he grabbed his keys and his phone before slipping his shoes on and running out the door, pausing only to kiss Hannah's head gently before locking up behind him.

* * *

Jess could hear yelling before he even made it to their door. Just as well –he was angry as hell. He closed his fist and his knuckles immediately turned white. He raised his arm and started banging on the door with the outside edge of his palm, hard enough that the side of his pinky knuckle hurt when it slapped against the wood with every boom of his hand. "Rory! Logan! Open the  _goddamn_ door! NOW!" he screamed.

The yelling from inside actually seemed to cease when they recognized Jess' voice. But it was quickly replaced by panicked screams when they finally realized what time it was–and then it was back to anger again –Rory's anger at Logan, specifically, for being so irresponsible that he'd forgotten to pick up his own daughter.

Meanwhile, Jess was still standing outside in their hallway. Clearly they were too caught up in World War Three to let in the man whom they'd trusted enough to leave their child with –that they'd  _forgotten_ their child with; Jess would've thought that the 'forgetting their child' part would make them open the door in a blink –but no, they just kept yelling about 'How could Logan  _possibly_ forget to pick up Hannah from Jess'?' Jess, for his part, was growing more livid at the both of them with every passing second; he rolled his eyes at  _just_ how childish they could be. It made Hannah look like baby Socrates.

He tried the door; it was locked.  _Fuck it_ , Jess thought to himself,  _not my problem_. He gripped the door handle as tightly as he could and pushed it down forcefully; he felt the lock snap much easier than he thought it would.

Rory and Logan barely registered that he'd come in, they were so busy screaming.

Jess shut the door with as much force as he could. Finally, it was that slamming door that snapped them to attention. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was I interrupting something? Something so important that both of you forgot to pick up your  _fucking_ daughter?!"

"Oh my God, oh my God," Rory immediately started to sob. "Is she okay?"

"She's fine, no thanks to either of you."

"Where is she?" Logan asked, frantic.

"She's still at my place. She's safe. I wasn't stupid enough to put a two-year-old in a car without a car seat –which I didn't have, or even think I'd need, because  _you_ ," Jess narrowed his eyes at Logan, "were supposed to pick her up."

"Who's with her?"

"A friend," Jess said tersely.

"You left her with a stranger?" Rory asked, almost angrily.

"Oh, so you would've rather I risked  _her_  life –and my driver's licence- to bring her back here? That's ironic, considering  _you forgot to pick up your fucking child_. Don't worry. She's trustworthy –evidently more so than either of you."

Logan had never felt worse in his life. "Jess," he sighed, "I'm so –"

Jess stepped inches away from Logan's face. "Let's get this straight,  _dick_  –the only reason I'm not punching that pretty face of yours hard enough to knock you into next week is because I know Hannah's going to see you tomorrow, and I'm pretty devoted to  _not_  traumatizing her."

"Tomorrow? But…" Rory stammered tearfully.

"That's right. Tomorrow. I have no idea what kind of shit has been hitting the fan here today, but Hannah's staying with me tonight. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Hannah. Is staying. With me tonight.

"I remember quite clearly telling both of you that I wasn't interested in playing runner-up Daddy to Hannah – and I'm not. But yet, here I am, non-father, protecting her  _from_ the people who should be protecting her. And I resent you both for it. I don't resent Hannah and I can't change the fact that she might see me as a father figure one day –I resent  _you_ , and I refuse to be a replacement father because her  _actual_ parents can't deal with their crap, or whenever they just can't be bothered to actually parent; but I love her, so if in  _her_ mind I fill empty parental shoes –so be it _._  That's on you.

"I don't really give a fuck what's going on between you two right now and I don't care to. But your daughter is  _two_ and I won't let her come back here tonight, you understand? Deal with your shit and put on happy, smiley faces for when your daughter gets home tomorrow.

"Now, one of you pack a bag with everything she needs, everything that makes her comfortable. And give me her car seat."

Rory was confused. "Her car seat?"

"Yeah, so that if you forget your child with me  _again_  tomorrow, I can at least bring her to Lorelai." Just then, Jess' phone rang.

Rory ran into Hannah's room to gather a few things and shed a few tears over what a failure she was.

"Bass, where you go?" Hannah asked, fear evident in her little voice.

"I came to see your mom and dad Banana," Jess said, his heart breaking for this tiny person. He took a deep breath and continued. "To ask if we could have a sleepover. Won't that be fun?"

"Oh yay!" Hannah giggled. "Vewy fun! What Mama and Dad say?"

"Ask them yourself!" Jess handed the phone to Logan and glared at him icily.

Logan took the phone. "Hi Nannah!... Yeah, of course you can sleep over!... It  _will_ be fun, I know… Mama? She's packing your things for Jess so he can come back to you and you can start having lots of fun!" Logan offered the phone back to Jess. "She wants to talk to you."

At that moment, Rory emerged from Hannah's room with an overnight bag.

"Bass, you come back soon?"

"Yeah, Banana, I promise. Are you being good for Kathleen? Do you like her?" Jess struggled to keep his tone light.

"Ya! She fun!"

"Good!" Jess leaned away from the receiver and tossed his keys to Logan. "Get her car seat set up in my car. Rory can put the duffel in my trunk," he commanded, in a clipped voice.

Rory and Logan nodded, leaving the room wordlessly and going outside.

"Hey Banana, can I talk to Kathleen?"

"Kaheen!" Jess heard Hannah yell –right into the phone. "Bass want to talk to you."

"Hey Jess," Kathleen said warmly. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," Jess sighed. "Hannah's staying with me tonight. I walked in on a nasty fight and I don't want to bring her back just yet."

"Wow. Okay."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be, sounds like you're doing the right thing. On the bright side, our failed dinner date can become a breakfast date. I'll come back in the morning with muffins and fruit."

Jess let out a sigh of relief that the ordeal was over. Kathleen was quickly becoming the most perfect woman he could dare to dream of. "You're amazing," he chuckled softly. "I'll be back in about an hour or so –depends on traffic. I owe you."

"Yes, you will," Kathleen answered seductively.


	58. Chapter 58

"By the way," Jess said, through clenched teeth and an open window as he prepared to pull out of the driveway in Stamford, "I broke the lock on the door. You might wanna get that fixed before I bring Hannah back here."

"Yeah," Logan sighed, "we will."

"Also, I'm not sorry and I am  _not_  paying for it _._ "

"I wasn't going to ask you to. Jess, before you go –"

"What?" Jess spat. "If you tell me Hannah's lucky to have me, I  _will_ punch you, you got that,  _dick_? And if Rory says that I'll –I wouldn't punch her, but you're both on very thin ice. And if Hannah does end up loving me like a parental figure –well, if she loves me as a parental figure because you and Rory  _aren't_  –you should be fucking ashamed of yourself –and you may as well start now."

"That wasn't what I was going to say; but thanks –for making me feel even worse."

"I'm sorry,  _you forgot your daughter_ Logan; like, _actually_ forgot her. You didn't call me to tell me why or even apologize… because you didn't even  _notice_ ; you and Rory were so busy fighting you didn't even  _notice_ that you'd forgotten to pick Hannah up and oops! neither of you even  _called_  me. I swear, if Rory gives me any more shit when I come back tomorrow that I left Hannah with a stranger tonight –"

"I promise, she won't. But, I –I feel bad after everything that's happened tonight, that I –I have no right to ask you for a favour right now."

"Fucking right you don't, but you're going to ask me anyway, otherwise you wouldn't be out here trying to make rambling small talk with a guy who presently hates your guts right now, who  _really_ wishes he  _could_ punch you hard enough to knock you into next week. And yet, you are going to ask me –so you may as well let me have it."

"Would you mind bringing her back late afternoon? Like, between three and four? Rory and I really do have some massively important to talk about –decide on. It'll be best if Hannah's not around for it."

Jess looked at Logan with weary, angry eyes.

"We won't be violently screaming at each other, I promise. Nothing like forgetting our kid with you and having you come in, guns blazing, to hand us our asses to us to sober us up. But we still have to figure stuff out and we don't really have a lot of time to figure it out. I  _promise_ , we'll be discussing everything calmly. But it would really help us out if we could do that knowing she's safe –and having fun- with you."

"Fine," Jess sighed angrily. "Between three and four it is. But damn it Logan, if there's  _anything_  else that comes up –I have a life of my own. I love Hannah more than –but that doesn't mean I want your life. I  _never_ wanted your life and I  _will never_  want your life."

"I know," Logan said earnestly. "Thank you, for –"

Jess looked at Logan with furious, narrowed eyes. "If you even  _think_ about finishing that sentence –if you actually have the nerve to thank me –I really  _will_ punch you."

And with that last icy remark, Jess hit the gas and sped out of the driveway; five seconds later, he was gone.

* * *

There was nothing quite like forgetting your child with a friend –and having that friend break your door and start screaming at you for how irresponsible you are, before refusing to bring your child back to you until you sorted out your crap- to make you realize how stupid you are.

When Logan came back in, Rory was curled up in a ball on the corner of the couch, crying. "We're terrible parents," she whispered.

"No we're not," he said, sitting down next to her and reaching to put his arm around her trembling shoulders. "We made a mistake. That doesn't make us terrible parents."

" _We forgot our own daughter._ We didn't even know what time it was, Logan."

"I never said our mistake wasn't huge… or stupid. But that doesn't make us terrible parents."

"Sure, whatever you say."

"Ace –Rory, we have to figure to figure this out. No more yelling, no more nastiness. We have to figure this out before Jess brings Hannah home. I have less than a week to give the guy an answer and –and this is how we make sure we're  _not_ terrible parents, by making sure we don't harm our kid with all the fighting."

"Do we really need –I mean, I do make a bit of money, Logan, and we have trust funds. You don't really  _need_ to take this job, do you?"

Logan sighed. "Yeah. We have healthy trust funds. But the  _Stamford Eagle_ barely paid me enough to snuff at and I've been making  _no_ money for –we can't, Rory –just rely on our trust funds without working and putting money back into them as we go. It's like a giant boat with a tiny hole in the side –you think you're fine because the boat's so big and the hole's so small, but if you don't do anything about it, eventually the boat will sink, no matter how unlikely it seems. No one thought a few tiny holes from an iceberg could sink the Titanic, and yet –it sank, and fifteen hundred people died. Do you know why that many people died?"

"Not enough lifeboats."

"And why didn't they have enough lifeboats?"

"They –they were sure it wouldn't sink."

"Exactly. If it was just us, that'd be different. But Hannah… she's going to be starting school in two years and in order to provide for her, and be comfortable –we have to think about this now. If we hit a wall in ten years when we have to start thinking about her future, about college –that's not the time to realize that our trust funds aren't bottomless. We're not poor Rory –far from it. But we  _will_ eventually hit a wall if we don't start making enough money to save along with what we're spending. The older Hannah gets –having a kid doesn't cost  _less_ as they get older, Ace."

Rory swallowed the lump in her throat and looked at him with wide, sad, defeated eyes. She knew Logan was right; she wished more than anything that she could tell him he was wrong. "So what do we do?"

"Ace, listen to me… I'm sorry –that I didn't tell you how hard it's been –how Mitchum… I'm sorry. I am  _so_ sorry," Logan blinked hard. "I never meant for… but Rory, he can make me suffer while remaining unseen; and that's exactly what he's doing. If he keeps at it, I'll be lucky if I can ever find work again."

"But Logan –you're good at what you do.  _Too good_ for Mitchum to just –ruin you."

"Maybe, but my being good… it doesn't negate how powerful he is. My being good doesn't shrink his ability to play dirty, make threats and tell anyone he can how he'll bury them if they hire his bastard son. He's powerful enough that they'll do what he says before they give me a chance, and that's what's been happening."

"But can't you just start your own –"

"Not unless we relocate to London. It's been too long, Ace. And  _especially_ with Mitchum pouring poison in the well… it's been too long since I've had consistent work here. I can't start my own thing here; not now, anyway. London would be the only place where I have a shot in hell of… but that's out of the question. I can't go back there. I would never expect you to pack up your life and go… there."

"But you  _can_ expect me to  _just maybe_  have no problem with packing up my life and moving to California?"

"At the risk of getting in trouble –yeah. I thought it would be something you'd consider. Rightly or wrongly, I thought you might think of it as a fun adventure."

"Logan, I –" Rory paused, struggling to find the right words. She reached up and heled his face in her hands. "I love you. I. Am. In love with you."

"I know," Logan whispered. "I love you too."

"I know," she breathed, kissing his lips delicately. She pulled back slowly and kept holding his face. "I don't know if I can just –move –that far. You can call it selfish –maybe it is. But Logan, I'm not like you –I can't just move all over the globe and feel at home wherever I go. Besides, Hannah's so young…"

"Exactly! If we're going to do this, now is the right time, Rory –before she starts school. If I have any – if I have any hope of getting out from Mitchum's clutches, this is my chance. If I don't, he'll be able to control me –bury me- for the rest of his miserable life. I'll always be struggling, and we'll always be looking over our shoulder."

"This is where we disagree. Especially because of everything I was going through for the first year… I think what Hannah needs is stability, in one place. And right now, this is what she knows as home. I don't want to confuse her. We're lucky –so lucky- that all my crap hasn't messed her up. She's an adventurous girl, but she won't want to leave here."

"But she's two and we're her parents. We make the decisions, not her."

"Fine, but you know how attached she is to everyone here. How are we supposed to explain to a two-year-old where everyone went? Why she's so far from everyone she loves? I'm not talking about me, Logan, I'm talking about Hannah –you know how attached she is to being here, and everyone who's here with her. What if we go and she's miserable?"

Logan clenched his jaw and sighed sadly. Rory had a point. If only he could give her a guarantee that it wouldn't happen. If only he could promise her that he knew Hannah would be happy, no matter where she was. "I don't know," he admitted. "Are you really worried about that though?"

"You're telling me you're not?"

"I just figured she'd adjust."

"What if she doesn't?"

"I don't know," Logan said again.

"Do you want to move out there… like, permanently?" Rory asked.

Logan hadn't thought about it like that. "I don't know," he admitted. "Though now I'm concerned that Hannah will hate it, so…"

"Sorry."  
  
"I guess –not necessarily."

"So then… how long?"

"A few years. Long enough for me to make some good money for us so we won't have to be worried that the other shoe will drop and –long enough for me to undo whatever damage Mitchum's been able to do to my name because everyone's so scared of him –so that I have my pick of jobs again, where I want them, instead of having to take whatever I can get no matter how far away it is. So… a few years."

"Like, two?"

Logan nodded. "Probably. By the time Hannah starts school, that should be in wherever we plan to stay."

Rory stared at him. "I think you should take the job," she said slowly. "Everything you said about why you need to do it –why  _we_ need it –you're right."

"What's the catch? I know there's a catch. If changing your mind was that easy, we wouldn't have forgotten to pick up our kid tonight."

"I think you should take the job… and I should stay here."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Logan asked, his blood pressure rising. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Logan, breathe. I'm not saying I want to break up with you."

"Then what  _are_ you saying?"

"I'm saying…" Rory took a deep breath and stared into his dark eyes, so he could see that she was sincere, "I'm saying you're right. This job is something you need to do,  _and_ it's what's best for us as a family. But I also think that moving –right now, at least- would just make me mad, and it might not be what's right for Hannah. So I think you should take the job, and for now, I'll stay here with Hannah and we'll… we'll make it work. Go. Kick ass at the job. And we'll split our time."

"Split our time… meaning what?"

"Meaning Hannah and I will visit you. You can visit us here. And if you really like it and you think you want it to be a permanent thing, we can talk about it again before Hannah starts school."

"Rory, that's insane."

"What's so insane about it? You said yourself, it's only a few years before you're able to re-establish your reputation here and for us to have enough of a nest egg that we can relax a bit. So for a few years, we –"

"Do a long-distance thing? With a child?"

"I never said it would be easy, but it might be easier than uprooting that child."

"She's two, Rory."

"Yeah, and hardly terrible. What if we move across the country and she revolts? What are we going to do? With no one familiar to help us, what would we do?"

"Stop using her as an excuse," Logan said lowly.

"I'm not!" Rory protested. "What if you get there and  _you_  hate it, huh Logan? What if  _you're_ miserable doing this job you have to do but you stick with doing it –because you have to so that your father doesn't win –but on top of you being miserable, Hannah's miserable  _and_ I'm miserable? Who wins then? No one. She's not an excuse. I'm telling you –this might be the best way –the best way to keep us together."

"By splitting up?"

"We wouldn't be splitting up, Logan. We'd be… is it unconventional? Yes. Would it be hard? Yes. Will we fight? Yes. But this isn't us splitting up. If I wanted to split up, I'd still be yelling at you –telling you that if you're so hellbent on California you should just go and leave me out of it."

"But Rory –"

"What? It could be the best of both worlds? Keeping Hannah in a familiar place while Dad goes out and does what he needs to do. You said yourself it's only a few years. Then we can talk about if you really like it out there. If this job ends up being the best thing ever and you  _really_ don't want to leave, we can talk about Hannah and I moving before she starts school and we can look at schools out there for her; and if you don't really love it, you do your time, prove yourself to the business world all over again and let it do what it needs to do –get us on our feet properly and open up doors for you back here –if you don't really love it, you do your time and come back to us and that's it.

"There's no use in making a big move with a small child unless we're sure. This is one way for us to be sure, if we move out there, it's the right thing. There'd be nothing worse than moving all the way out there with a toddler just to come back –what would be the point? It'd be a lot of work and stress for nothing, to just turn around and do it again in reverse a few years later. You  _just_ told me, if it was just you and I it would be different, right? Well, if it was just the two of us, moving for a few years would be easier, but it's not just us anymore Logan –and I don't care how young she is, that's a lot of stress for a child. We shouldn't move her that far off unless we're sure."

Logan hated that Rory seemed to be making a lot of sense. "Rory, that's like inviting disaster to make itself at home. Long distance is…"

"Not always a disaster. We've done it before –the first time you were in London."

"And that wasn't exactly a walk in the park."

"No it wasn't –but we didn't break up, did we?"

"But Hannah… long distance with a kid?"

"Will be hard, sad… all the things. But it also might make a lot of sense."

"What about us? It might not be the best idea for us, Rory."

"No, maybe not," Rory admitted. "But relationships are work, right? Do you doubt that I love you? That I want us to be a family?"

"No," Logan answered, stroking her cheek.

"Good. Me either," she whispered, leaning into his touch. "California is where the job is, so you have to go. It's still you and me, and Hannah's still  _our_ daughter. You spent so long being strong for me. Please… trust that I can be strong for you, too. For now, the hard thing might also be the best choice. You need to take the job and I –I'm not ready to move that far, and I don't think we should, until we know… I don't want to keep fighting with you Logan, and I'm scared that if I just move, when I don't want to and when we don't know how it'll affect Hannah –I'm worried that all we'll  _do_ is fight. I don't want to be away from you. And this won't be easy. And we'll have to communicate better, but… thank God you got this offer now, and not this time a year ago. If it was a year ago, I wouldn't even have the slightest faith that we could make it."

As Rory looked at him, Logan could see she was scared. But he also saw love in her eyes –so much love. Truth was, sometimes life was scary. Sometimes love was scary. He wished he had a better idea; an answer that could keep them together and make sure they were all happy and that they'd have what they needed to look after Hannah. But sadly, he didn't know what that answer was. He wanted Rory to want to come with him to California, but she didn't –not right now, and forcing her to want it, and to be there as quick as he had to be –he knew that wasn't wise. And there wasn't one point she made about Hannah's happiness –how they couldn't be sure that moving her somewhere far and strange was a good idea- that he didn't agree with. "I don't want to leave you," Logan whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "I wish there was an easier way."

"You're not," Rory answered quietly. "You're not leaving us."

"How though –how will we save money living in two households?"

"Carefully. I'm pretty good at scrimping and saving. You'll have to get good at it too. Your apartment in Santa Barbara can't be a penthouse full of bells and whistles."  
  
Logan couldn't help but laugh.

"I'm serious," Rory smiled. "You want to know how we save having two households? You have to be as good at scrimping as me."

"How am I supposed to learn that?"

"I'll teach you."

"You will?"

"Mm-hmm," Rory nodded, pressing their foreheads together, "I will."

"What about Hannah?" Logan asked, swallowing a lump in his throat. "Ace, she won't understand why I'm gone. She'll –she'll be so sad. She'll… she'll hate me."

Rory focused her eyes on Logan and pressed her finger gently against his lips. "She won't. She will not hate you. I promise. I'll make sure. We'll both make sure. You're her dad, Logan. You love her. She knows that. We'll make sure she always knows that."

"You might hate me, sometimes."

"Maybe. But if I do, I promise to keep my hatred to myself and not turn our daughter against you."

"Thank goodness."

"Besides. It's not permanent. You'll be back. And we'll come out to see you. It'll be okay, Logan. Somehow, we'll be okay."

"What about you? I don't want you cursing my name and thinking I'm no better than –"

"Logan. It won't be easy. It won't be easy looking after a two-year-old without you. You and I will get mad at each other. We'll struggle. But I want you to listen to me. You need to hear me. You need to understand. You are not my father. You are –you're a better man than he'll ever be. I know that. Do you hear me?"

Logan nodded.

"And if I ever –if I ever accuse you of –remind me, okay?"

"Of what?"

Rory took Logan's hand, laced their fingers together and brought it to her lips. "This moment. Remind me of what I told you I already know. Because it's true. You just might need to remind me. Especially if I'm mad at you," she grinned.

"Okay," Logan whispered.

* * *

The next day before Hannah came home, they talked everything through again, and ultimately reached the same conclusions. They both wished there was an easier answer; one that they could both agree to.

Rory wished she wanted to go to California –or at the very least that she wasn't so concerned about how Hannah would handle it; she felt terrible that she felt better about Logan leaving than she did about moving a toddler across the country, but ultimately, she had more faith that she and Logan could endure the distance more than she had faith in a two-year-old having both her parents, but no one else.

Logan wished he didn't have to go all the way to California for a job. Thinking about all the years he could've gotten a job anywhere he might close his eyes and point to on a map just made him bitter; bitter that now that he had a family, his own father was the one seeing to it that it couldn't be so easy. He wished Rory could just pick up and go, but as much as he hated it, he understood why it wasn't as easy for her as it was for him.

"We'll make it work," Rory whispered.

"We will," he nodded. "I'm sorry, for everything –the way I acted, it was wrong."

"Me too. I'm sorry too."

"Two years isn't that long, Ace. It'll be okay."

"I know," Rory said, swallowing her tears.

"It'll be hard. But I promise you, Rory – it'll be okay," Logan said softly. "I promise."


	59. A note from BookTease

In the interest of full disclosure: I also post to fanfiction.net and have been dogged with a smattering of negative reviews and warnings of mass exoduses since I revealed Hannah's paternity. After chapter 58, the anger AT ME became increasingly hard to discern from anger at the plot. I work full time and sleep less than I should, particularly on weekends when I _should_ be catching up on sleep, in order to write and edit this story.

In fairness to YOU ALL, I know some of you are unhappy with recent plot developments but I want to thank you for expressing your feelings without attacking me. On FF.net I've been anonymously called a cunt, whore, or told by at least one person that they wish I were dead.

So, truly and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your OVERWHELMING decency, even when you're not happy (which you should be - not happy all the time - if THIS story didn't anger folks semi-regularly, I'd be doing something wrong). 

Long and short of it, I might not be posting for a while as my soul is feeling weary. I need to recharge. If I don't feel comfortable returning to ff.net for a good while - i.e: months (or at all) I will start posting here; but I literally just posted a note to ff.net a few days ago saying that I might take a bit of a break to recharge my batteries and get some sleep and let my skin regain its customary thickness. But for now, guys, the weariness is _very_ real.

I may see if I have it in me to post over the long weekend in both places, and if ff.net'ers are too mad still, I may go dark for a while, because the whole California-Connecticut thing will not be resolved in the next chapter, or even the one after that. And that will DEFINITELY make the ff.net'ers angry (maybe a few of you, too). But right now I'm weary, and I'm not one to write chapters and let them pile up without posting. So for now, unfortunately, I'm taking a break. There may be a chapter up by the end of the long weekend and a break after that.

I don't want to make you suffer for ff.net'ers cruelty, but for now I'm too burnt out to either a) write and not post or b) write and post in one place when I like posting to both and c) write a whole ton of chapters and post a whole bunch of them later. Eventually, I will post here and not to FF if my weary soul can't deal with FF for an exceptionally long time (a few months), because as I said, I don't want to punish you all for the cruelty of readers on a different site. But the story is nowhere near finished; and I would never leave it unfinished.

I ask you to be patient with me if you don't hear from me for a while (or if you get a chapter over the long weekend and THEN you don't hear from me for a while).

Thanks guys, you have no idea how much I love and appreciate you.


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